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DeVoid

Wellbutrin Destroyed My Soul

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I'd like to share my account of the complete and total destruction of my soul as a result of antidepressant withdrawal. I didn't even think such a thing was possible, but I now know that it is.

I'd been on a high dosage of Wellbutrin (generic: Bupropion) for 5 years for depression. I decided to stop taking it because I felt it was losing its effect and I was becoming apathetic. In the months that followed my withdrawal, I gradually began losing my ability to feel emotions. When a close relative died and I could literally feel nothing towards this event, I knew something was wrong.

That is when I decided to reinstate the drug, as I thought I might have been better while taking it. Strangely, reinstating the drug for a month did not help, but instead made things worse. I felt like I kept losing more and more of myself inside. This confused me, and I didn't know what to do. When I stopped the drug again and reinstated a second time, I experienced one tremendous day of improvement followed by a seizure while sleeping, and waking up in a confused state. After this I regressed and felt completely dead inside.

This waking up in a confused state happened 2 more times, once in May 2010 and once in September 2010. Both of these were preceded by sudden improvements. But upon waking I felt like I had lost a basic part of my self. Not just feelings, but the core of my being. What I felt to be the complete and final destruction of my inner being happened on September 7th, 2010, and there hasn't been a change since (it has now been 8 months).

I've been in an extremely peculiar state for the past 8 months. I have literally lost everything inside of me and no longer have a sense of "inner being". My personality has been completely erased, along with the inner psyche I've spent a lifetime building. When I attempt to "look inside", it is impossible because there is literally nothing there. Everything that made up my specific sense of personal being is gone, including including my hopes, fears, dreams, goals, opinions, values, morals, likes/dislikes, and most strikingly, all emotions and feelings.

I have no feelings associated with past events, and no emotional connections with anything in the world. Specific emotions that defined my personal sense of being are no longer there. People, places, things and events that I thought were etched in my soul as having significance no longer mean a thing. Absolutely nothing, I can't stress this enough.

I am unable to look backward or forward, have no sense of past accomplishments and no desire for future ones. The strangest thing is, I cannot feel anything toward being in this state, as that part of me is gone too. It's like a recursive erasure of everything I ever was, am, and will be.

It doesn't feel like life is a conscious experience that I am having anymore, as there is no inner construct within me to absorb an experience on any level. I see, hear, touch, and smell, yet each of these is so devoid of emotional content that they don't coalesce into anything meaningful I can call a human consciousness. My sense of being has been replaced by a constant void of nothingness that is unchanging, 24/7, I feel nothing towards the nothingness. It is not like feeling empty inside, there is no inside to feel empty within.

Obviously, antidepressants affect neurotransmitters. Maybe my neurotransmitters were severely imbalanced by the manner in which I withdrew, along the seizure(s) (there is only one I am sure of). What I don't understand is how a neurotransmitter imbalance could completely erase me as a human being. What I'm experiencing is not depression, anhedonia, or flat affect, but a permanent change in my consciousness that literally destroyed my humanity. All the parts that made up my being are literally gone. I don't understand how this is even possible, or what (if anything) I can do to change it. Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.

Edited by DeVoid

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Hi there.

:welcomeani:

Well, I can't say I've experienced what you describe, but it definitely sounds disturbing, and I would be concerned. It sounds like depersonalization... I've had quite a bit of that the past several months. You lose emotions and feel separated from yourself, unable to fully participate or feel anything toward what is happening in your life...

Are you seeing a therapist? I think that would be essential to your recovery from this. You CAN get over it. I don't think you are destroyed. Maybe the medication and stopping/starting it created a temporary disruption, but I believe it is repairable/healable.

Thanks for sharing. I hope we can offer a safe haven here and encourage you during this experience. Don't lose hope!

:console:

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Hi there, DeVoid. Just wondering how you are doing? Your post made me feel for you and I saw no updates since your initial post. How are you feeling? Were you able to correct your issue with additional/different meds? I have felt void in my life as I will explain, but never to the degree you described. I hope you are doing well. Please post an update.

I just started Wellbutrin a week ago and haven't felt the effects yet, however, I've been on Prozac for several years. Before Prozac, I felt like I had little to no emotions. I believe what I was experiencing was a bit different than what you are describing because I did feel annoyance, and that is definitely an emotion. I felt like I was living my life inside a bottle, I had little energy, and it was sometimes almost painful to talk. I could stare at the wall for an hour because of lack of energy. I didn't care about much. My boyfriends annoyed me. My family annoyed me. Life seemed like a chore. I couldn't wait until God decided to take me. I attempted suicide twice. Prozac seemed to help immensily at first. I remember the day it kicked in, I saw beams of sun light through the trees and felt like this is what life is supposed to be like... enjoying the small things. But that only lasted a few years. A couple years ago, I decided to wean myself off of Prozac. I followed my doctor's orders precisely, but my body apparently couldn't function without Prozac. I started having panic attacks, which I've never had before and my depression flew off the charts. I ended up in the ER, thinking I was dying. They ran every test imaginable and couldn't find out what was wrong, and suggested I might be having panic attacks. I had several more attacks after that incident and decided to go back on Prozac. Luckily for me, going back on returned me to my normal state, I was depressed but functioning. I have lived like this for years, taking Prozac every day, even though it's not really working for me anymore. Then I gave birth to twins and went through post partum anxiety disorder. It took almost a year to feel better. Both of my babies were premature, had colic and were sick a lot. One of my babies almost died 3 times from different ailments (meningitis, pneumonia, apendicitis). All of this added to my depression. Then I found out my husband was cheating on me. I must admit, I still can't wait until God takes me, but I can't imagine leaving my babies. So, after all of this, I decided to see a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist who added the Wellbutrin. I can't help but wonder what will happen if, in a few years, the Wellbutrin stops working like it did for you. My experience, similar to yours, shows that going off the meds, even if they aren't working anymore, may cause our problems to worsen. So what is the solution? Do I stay on Prozac and Wellbutrin, and someday add a 3rd medication? Then a 4th? What has been your experience since your initial post? I hope you were able to speak with a doctor and figure out the appropriate medication to fix your issue.

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Devoid,

Your description of that feeling I also have, is quite remarkably accurate.

I've started taking SSRI at 16 I think.. I'm now 26. I'm completely emotionless. Never depressed, never happy.. just a functional zombie.

I take those SSRI for an OCD I have. I took Paxil at first, and I think it was less of a problem at that time. I think I remember still having lots of emotion. Then, I don't remember the exact reasons, I switched to Prozac + Wellbutrin .

I haven't read enough to know if SSRI are actually reducing feeling, but it sounds logic anyway. And I can't deny the fact I lost all form of emotion, motivation, creativity, love, compassion etc.. for ~4-5 years now.

If I knew I'd become this at first, I think It would have been a great motivation to stop taking meds. Now after an average of 10 years of SSRI treatment, I wonder if I have any chance of finding my soul again ?

BTW: Sorry for my english wich is not perfect, I'm a french Canadian.

Devoid please if you read this, contact me. I'd like to talk to you a lot.

Anyone here who feel who could help me with this, or give me any feedback, experience, cues, or advice, contact me or replie here.

Removed text (don't know where to put this):

I feel like I've been destroyed by SSRI too... but when I attempted to stop/change meds, I became depressive... or very apathic... I wanted it to stop ... I self harmed... not trying to die but ... to provoque something. Was rush at hospital and finally got back to to Prozac. I'm not crazy.. I just finished my administration diploma at University, got hired by a volvo division in Human Ressources (irononically)..

Edited by lindahurt

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RxQueen,

SSRI's can cause a flattening or blunting of emotions or a numb feeling, and I experience this on SSRI's. When I'm on an SSRI, I just feel blah inside - not depressed but also without joy or happiness. I've never been one to feel better on an SSRI in the sense that I am able to feel joy or motivation. Sometimes I'm ok with this. If I'm experiencing a great deal of emotional pain, I'd rather feel numb inside than feel the pain. But many times, I miss out on being able to feel joy and happiness when good things do come along.

I understand that SSRI's are often necessary to treat OCD. Have you tried clomipramine (Anafranil)? It is a tricyclic AD that is not an SSRI, and maybe it will not cause the emotional numbing that SSRI's cause.

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RxQueen,

SSRI's can cause a flattening or blunting of emotions or a numb feeling, and I experience this on SSRI's. When I'm on an SSRI, I just feel blah inside - not depressed but also without joy or happiness. I've never been one to feel better on an SSRI in the sense that I am able to feel joy or motivation. Sometimes I'm ok with this. If I'm experiencing a great deal of emotional pain, I'd rather feel numb inside than feel the pain. But many times, I miss out on being able to feel joy and happiness when good things do come along.

I understand that SSRI's are often necessary to treat OCD. Have you tried clomipramine (Anafranil)? It is a tricyclic AD that is not an SSRI, and maybe it will not cause the emotional numbing that SSRI's cause.

and lukn,

Yes I did. At the end of my first post (the removed text), when I says I attempted to stop/change meds, I actually changed Prozac for Clomipramine, then about 1 month later the "self injury" happened.. I was just p*****.

Thanks for your replie

Edited by lindahurt

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On 5/3/2011 at 7:44 AM, DeVoid said:
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I'd like to share my account of the complete and total destruction of my soul as a result of antidepressant withdrawal. I didn't even think such a thing was possible, but I now know that it is.

I'd been on a high dosage of Wellbutrin (generic: Bupropion) for 5 years for depression. I decided to stop taking it because I felt it was losing its effect and I was becoming apathetic. In the months that followed my withdrawal, I gradually began losing my ability to feel emotions. When a close relative died and I could literally feel nothing towards this event, I knew something was wrong.

That is when I decided to reinstate the drug, as I thought I might have been better while taking it. Strangely, reinstating the drug for a month did not help, but instead made things worse. I felt like I kept losing more and more of myself inside. This confused me, and I didn't know what to do. When I stopped the drug again and reinstated a second time, I experienced one tremendous day of improvement followed by a seizure while sleeping, and waking up in a confused state. After this I regressed and felt completely dead inside.

This waking up in a confused state happened 2 more times, once in May 2010 and once in September 2010. Both of these were preceded by sudden improvements. But upon waking I felt like I had lost a basic part of my self. Not just feelings, but the core of my being. What I felt to be the complete and final destruction of my inner being happened on September 7th, 2010, and there hasn't been a change since (it has now been 8 months).

I've been in an extremely peculiar state for the past 8 months. I have literally lost everything inside of me and no longer have a sense of "inner being". My personality has been completely erased, along with the inner psyche I've spent a lifetime building. When I attempt to "look inside", it is impossible because there is literally nothing there. Everything that made up my specific sense of personal being is gone, including including my hopes, fears, dreams, goals, opinions, values, morals, likes/dislikes, and most strikingly, all emotions and feelings.

I have no feelings associated with past events, and no emotional connections with anything in the world. Specific emotions that defined my personal sense of being are no longer there. People, places, things and events that I thought were etched in my soul as having significance no longer mean a thing. Absolutely nothing, I can't stress this enough.

I am unable to look backward or forward, have no sense of past accomplishments and no desire for future ones. The strangest thing is, I cannot feel anything toward being in this state, as that part of me is gone too. It's like a recursive erasure of everything I ever was, am, and will be.

It doesn't feel like life is a conscious experience that I am having anymore, as there is no inner construct within me to absorb an experience on any level. I see, hear, touch, and smell, yet each of these is so devoid of emotional content that they don't coalesce into anything meaningful I can call a human consciousness. My sense of being has been replaced by a constant void of nothingness that is unchanging, 24/7, I feel nothing towards the nothingness. It is not like feeling empty inside, there is no inside to feel empty within.

Obviously, antidepressants affect neurotransmitters. Maybe my neurotransmitters were severely imbalanced by the manner in which I withdrew, along the seizure(s) (there is only one I am sure of). What I don't understand is how a neurotransmitter imbalance could completely erase me as a human being. What I'm experiencing is not depression, anhedonia, or flat affect, but a permanent change in my consciousness that literally destroyed my humanity. All the parts that made up my being are literally gone. I don't understand how this is even possible, or what (if anything) I can do to change it. Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.

Hello, this describes what has happened to me and my life extremely accurately after having an unbelievably rare horrific adverse reaction to Quetiapine which I received due to a misdiagnosis. It feels like 99% of my brain is fried and I'm left with 5 senses and an extremely basic inner monologue which is dull and slow and normally suicidal because this simply isn't right. It's like I got shot in the head with a shotgun. I'm really a walking dead zombie now, no past memories, no future goals or desires anymore, no emotional connection or feelings. Just emptiness 24/7 no matter what, I'm an inanimate object that can move around and see the world through 5 senses. It's hard for me to appreciate or find any kind of positive way of looking at this state as I had so much going for me and so much to live for before this terrible psychiatrist prescribed me this poison without even bothering to explain any possible risks, reactions, or side effects. I cannot even describe how much it permanently erased everything about me that made me an amazing human being, I too did not know this form of torture was possible. My spirit is beginning to fade and rot along with the rest of my humanity, this simply isn't human life. Whatever that stuff did to me was completely damaging and disabling and left just enough of me alive to suffer even though I can't feel anything about it because this isn't even me, this is the devil or a zombie or an unchanging black hole of emptiness and blank dullness that is impossible to escape, it's become the essence of my soul. I suspect that perhaps my soul and its energy has already moved onto another life or vessel, because it was beautiful and full of energy and light and now it's 100% gone. I don't recognize myself anymore, my thoughts, my actions, my lack of feelings and compassion. I can't enjoy music, orgasms are horrible, I have no appetite. This must be the most rare but turturous inhumane condition on the planet. If you see this, Devoid, or anyone else who has this "condition" where you're already dead but still breathing and sensing the planet as to fool others that you aren't, please contact me as I'd like to talk. Thank you. 

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my situation is the oposite.

before i was on meds i feel empty dead and sad, it goes on and one.

then there was the daybi try this med and over 3 4 weeks i coud feel i liked thing and i was back, many years later o was forgetting 7 pils 1n 12 days and i chrashed.  so i rebuild .

 

 

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I hope you read this. I'm in the same boat as you are. Since quitting Paxil (6 yrs of use), I've never been the same. I've lost my soul. My everything. I only took it for social anxiety but now I transformed to someone who is severely dysfunctional. Did I say I only had social anxiety before all this mess? Pdocs will tell you it's not bcuz of antidepressants. But trust me it IS. We are sensitive to drugs , There are many many people suffering from the same thing that there's a forum called surviving antidepressants! I hope we all heal from this curse.

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