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Possibly Bipolar, And Scared


emjay187

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Hi everyone.

Currently im diagnosed as BPD, Depression, and GAD and i SI.

I was talking to my mental health nurse about a spree i went on. I spent all my money, lost track of time and was just buzzing, i was arrested for theft cos i impulsively stole something and i only needed 2-3hrs sleep, i felt like i had slept 12 hours! Anyway, this lasted four days or so then i crashed back to depression.

Ive had this three or four times over a period of time (every 6months or so) and my nurse reckons i may have a mood disorder, bipolar II more specifically :unsure: . Im scared, i dont know what it all means, what meds i might have to take and what side effects they have etc and what my chances are of getting stable. :yinyang:

Basically i just need to know that it'll be okay :coopcray: . Maybe some of you could tell me about your first experiences of bipolar/being diagnosed and how you came to accept it? Im just feeling really afraid/alone/confused and worried. :help:

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Hey, Sweetie! :hugs:

It's ok. You're gonna be ok. I've got very similar problems! I was going out and spending entire checks on stuff. I felt so guilty and scared even while I was getting the stuff, and terrified when I brought it home. But even that wasn't enough for me to stop spending or to take it back. This went on for quite some time. I started shirking work (I worked at home as a medical transcriptionist) and then started freaking when the deadline came up to send in my invoice. I started sending in invoices for work I hadn't done, yet. I started the job picking up an envelope. Doing the dictation and either taking it back the same day or the next. At the end of my career, I was 3 weeks behind with over 17 envelopes staring at me and owing, at the very least $1500 of work to them. I ended up having a break down, because I kept pushing myself no matter what. I ended up underneath my desk at 2 a.m. with the thoughts running through my head (I have to work! I have to work! I can't work!!! I'm so tired!!! I have to get some sleep!! But I have to work!!! I have to work!!!) like a freight train! They were going so fast and it wouldn't stop. I started hurting myself, sobbbing and wailing, and then sitting completely calmly not 2 minutes later, staring off into space with absolutely nothing in my mind. Then I would flip back to the sobbing and hurting myself. My dog came repeatedly to check on me...the sweet girl! Every calm time, she would come and nuzzle my hand. When she left, I started sobbing again. Then she'd come right back. I finally ended up crawling to the bedroom (the very next room) and waking up my husband. (His hearing is very bad, so he never even heard me.) It was sheer will that got me to him. I had promised him I would come to him if I needed him or another spell happened. For six hours he watched me go between sobbing uncontrollably to staring into space. He would say he was going to take me to the hospital and I would beg him not to. There was a big issue going on at the time with my ex husband who was trying to take my children. It was a very hard time.

I ended up calming, but I couldn't handle anything. My husband jumped in and took over the finances and made it so no one talked to me unless I chose to speak to them. That the kids were taken care of without me having to utter a word. He explained a little to them about what was going on. I ended up falling into total depression and the family actual had to pull me off the bed to push me toward the bathroom every few hours. They had to prod me to drink or eat. I just sat on the bed all day, every day, staring at the walls. This went on for almost a month, I think, before I was able to see a psychiatrist. He gave me an immediate diagnosis of bipolar disorder with hypomanic tendencies and passive suicidal ideation. In other words, I was a manic depressive who would go on severe mood swings...from highs so high I would take on a dozen projects and plan to conquer the world to crashes so low that I couldn't move...(that's hypomanic...the severity of the highs and lows being very great). I was thinking all the time about committing suicide, but I had enough control to get in touch with my husband when that happened. So, I never actively tried to **** myself, but I thought about it a great deal!!

This doctor moved after our first visit and we changed to the second doctor in the practice. He tried various medications until finally pushing lithium. I don't remember what it was, but I adamantly refused to take lithium. He pushed me to the point I found the 1st doc and went back to him in another city. He put me on a regimen that wasn't all that helpful, and then, to my utter astonishment, informed me that I was on the correct medications and it was all my fault that I wasn't responding. That was bull!! I remember going down to my car, shaking like a leaf in a storm. When I told my husband about what the doctor said, he was livid. It was a good thing he wasn't with me or I would have been taking a trip downtown to bail him out of jail for assault. And my husband is quite a passive, relaxed man.

Well, my family doctor gave me a name and we went to see this doctor....it was a month or two before I could even get in. This doctor, bless him, took good care of me. He ended up having to jack all my medications way up...but it worked!! I was able to function!!

The spending sprees still hit, especially when I'm having trouble with the depression. And when it's kicking up, I still want to sleep all the time. But...whatever your diagnosis is going to be...you're gonna be okay. It might take a while to figure out the right combination for you, or the doctor might hit it on the first try. Just don't give up!!! Never give up!!!

Bipolar II, from what I've been told, is described as having the mood swings (one to each side - depressive and highs) to a severe level at least once in your life, and frequent depression that falls into a very intense occurrence. Some symptoms I have is the inability to finish projects. I love to write. I'm working on 7 books at the same time and I probably won't finish any of them. But, I'm writing for myself. I fall into fits of depression where all I want to do is curl up in a ball, sleep all the time, or not face any member of my family. My sense of space becomes heightened. I have several things that I go OCD on. I used to SI.

I get all hyper and happy and I want to take on a bunch of projects that I've been thinking about doing and within the first 10 minutes, the high goes away, I crash, and I end up sitting down in the floor and bawling.

There were a lot of factors that were contributing to all of this, not the least of which was my ex-husband who said more than once that if I did so and so, he would take the girls and I would never see them again. I remained terrified of him until the day he died. And when he died, I was so happy! It was a release. Which is actually,, quite sad to say. :shocked:

I used to read up on the warnings and indications of the medications I was given. I finally just stopped. They all have some possible dangerous side effects. But in the end, the benefits far outweighed the risks for me. Actually being able to interact with my daughters was more important that what the medications may or may not do. Most of them do warn of possible weight gain or weight loss. I know Wellbutrin has made me and another lady I know gain weight. Celexa and depression and probable bipolar has made my youngest girl (13 years) lose 15 pounds since November.

The one thing you have to remember is not to give up!!! Find someone to talk to!!! Don't let go of them! And remember, a therapist/counselor can help more than you would believe!!! It could take quite some time to find a combination of medications to work, but don't you dare give up!!! I'm personally hoping that you'll hit on it immediately!!

As for coping... Well, my stress has just gone through the roof, with my daughters exhibiting signs of possible bipolar and panic attacks, as well as my grandson, who is living with us, being severely behind in his development and his mother not having a clue how to raise a child. And that's just the beginning!

Whatever you do, don't give up, kk? You're gonna be ok! I'm ok! So, you will be too!! If you need to talk, I'm here! :blah:

You hang in there and let us know how things go...kk?

Ziin :smilingteeth:

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If you suspicion you may have BP, see a pdoc for evaluation, accurate diagnosis and a treatment plan. Take your post without as it's a good description of your mood.

I was diagnosed in my mid-30s. It sure explained all my past behavior. I really didn't accept it as lifelong until a few years later. Initially, I was put on Prozac and Lithium. My moods were stable over 14 years. The meds gave out. It took a few months to find the right combo that worked. It's always trial and error and takes a lot of self-patience. It takes several weeks before you can tell if a med will work or not. I also found as I get older, the BP has gotten worse. I currently am on a combo of 5 meds just to be stable. I still get mild ups and downs, but they're short-lived and manageable.

Bipolar is manageable via medications. I also do therapy.

Sheepwoman

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Hey emjay great to see you. I'm also new to this forum but I think your making a great decision in reaching out to others for support. I can speak for everyone but I to was scared and worried about my future when I started dealing with my BP. My diagnoses was a lot like yours. My son was born 6 years ago and had complications, and without getting into a big story it was increasingly stressful and plunged me into a very deep depression. This triggered the first big depression of my life, and then I started getting manic and cycling. To make a long story short I would spend all my money, quit my jobs, ride my motor cycle into the center of Mexico lol. And then I would crash and become very depressed and look back at what I had done like it was another person. I couldn't imagine why I had done any of that and I vowed not to do it again, but in 3 weeks I would be doing it again. Right before I confronted my BP I had walked in to a restaurant, convinced them to hire me as a consultant, had them fire all the staff and give me the check book. I started drinking at work, having inappropriate relations with staff and just being completely out of control. They fired me after 6 months and then shortly after my girlfriend left me. I was left with nothing, no money no job, and just the fallout of my BP me crying all the time, supper deep depression. At this point I new I needed help and went to get it. It was scary, humbling and very hard. But my life has never been better. Its not necessarily easy but I've grown so much in the last 2 years. Its going to be hard but look at this as an opportunity to get to know yourself and grow. I'm taking 100mg of Lamictal and it has changed my life. While I do miss the highs and the huge amount of energy and creativity, I am more balanced then I have ever been. I've held a job for 2 years and have made more friends then ever. While I'm lucky and my BP1 is not that severe as some, I hope this helps. Keep your chin up. I've learned some tools that may seem obvious but have helped me so much. Write a lot in a journal, this doesn't have to make sense just write how you feel and I usually throw it away when done. Surround yourself with a support structure, friends and family, therapist, this website, to get healthy support and a place to vent. Also learn to schedule your time, I try to exercise, read, clean and dont leave myself down time to get depressed or stew. Good luck and keep your shin up.

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Hi Emjay,

I just noticed your situation and I'm just a little ahead of you. I was recently diagnosed and for myself, I found the waiting for the doctor to make the final assessment and all the information to be the most overwhelming.

I think you may find that the hardest part is the wait. The ups and downs are harsh to be sure however you've already been there and you're coping, not with something anyone should have to, but you are.

I am not near the end of accepting this however I have had years to come to term with the idea of it as I have several family members with it and have been living with symptoms since I was 15. I am finding reassurance in the thought process of it being genetic as good for coping and accepting. I think of it like a more irritating form of diabetes, just an illness to treat.

For years I have been misdiagnosed and to be properly treated and be able to have a course of action is something I found empowering and I hope you will too.

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Thanks everyone :smilingteeth:

- RollerPigeonMom: Yeah the waiting has been really frustrating, i havent really been coping-been in and out of psych wards for four years- but they put it all down to BPD not thinking something else could be going on until i was arrested and elated then came crashing down. The genetic thing is something that scares me, my mum doesnt have BD but what if i pass it to my kids ya know. Thanks for your response :)

- fondu3:Thanks for sharing your story, i can identify in the way that i dont "cycle" as often as others. "Write a lot in a journal, this doesn't have to make sense just write how you feel and I usually throw it away when done. Surround yourself with a support structure, friends and family, therapist, this website, to get healthy support and a place to vent. " This is awesome advice! I have been calling on my friends and support workers etc, the past 2weeks or so have been pretty rough so yeah. God knows i need to vent quite often! Otherwise i take it all out on the wrong poeple in the wrong ways =)

- Sheepwoman: ive got an appointment on friday with my pdoc and i'll post in here what comes of that appointment. I know im going to struggle with being patient. Over the years ive been on lots of meds to help with the depression/bpd thing and i would sometimes quit cos i got so impatient. I'll try to practice a bit of patience over the next few weeks/months. Ive just started therapy, ive had three sessions so far. Its pretty scary but i think it'll help eventually.

Thank you all of you, its really helped knowing that im not alone and people can lead normal lives. The fear has subsusded a bit--I really appreciate it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Emjay,

I have been bipolar since I was 8 in 1963. I have also been type 1 diabetic since 1959. I have also gone on spending sprees, buying stuff I shook my head at the next day Luckily I have taken back more than I have bought because I have always cycled fast. A good friend has a bipolar son, and every year like clockwork he has to drive all over town canceling the 6 cars his son had bought the day before.

I have always had some project in writing or design or something and everything in my life got pushed to the side because no matter what it was, it was as important as world peace to me. I lost many years doing this. This is likely the reason I was forced to retire and am now broke. I do totally enjoy the buzzing mania feeling. Because it feels so good bipolars set up situations where the buzz will come back. It's as addictive as the best of drugs.

If you have had more than one episode of mania and depression then you have bipolar I not II which is only one episode. I have 8 of these every day. I don't even have time to drive somewhere to buy something, lucky now I guess at least in one way.

After having 35 years of bipolar and attempting ******* several times a year I was finally diagnosed and I felt very happy knowing there was a reason I felt so crappy and so good all the time. Once I was taking lithium I was able to breath and that was super nice. It was such a relief. The last 22 years has been difficult but I still feel better than I did before. I have to keep reminding myself of my last life.

Don

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Bisous,

That may be right. I have always been very manic, psychotic, so I have never seen it before.

Don

i thought bipolar I was mania w/ or w/o depression and bipolar II was hypomania w/ depression, regardless of the number of episodes.

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