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Experience Of Depression


A Poison Tree

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I really have no idea why I'm posting this. I'm freezing up as I'm staring at the screen. I guess I'm really just wondering if anyone can relate to this.

I feel that my life is purposeless. I think the only reason I'm alive today is because of fear. Fear of messing up my suicide attempt. Fear of the possibility of going to hell (though I wouldn't consider myself Christian) for committing suicide. But most of all fear of the pain it would cause my family if I managed to go through with it. I've been extremely close before, but I never had the courage to do it. Just before doing it, I would always think of my family and I couldn't do it. It's gotten to the point now where I'm wondering if I could even be considered suicidal; do I just think I'm capable of ******* myself? There is no one I can talk to when I start to feel suicidal. I have one close friend and she has been one of the best things that ever happened to me, but she's not a therapist. She doesn't know what to say when I express these thoughts, although I don't trust therapists. I've only had one therapist that I considered worth talking to, but I have this aversion to opening up to anyone, it takes years of being close to someone for me to express what I consider to be personal issues to them. I was always told that what you tell a therapist is confidential but, probably because I was underage at the time, they chose to tell my parents what I said and this violated any trust or respect I had for them. This combined with the fact that they're being paid by you to listen just reinforces my idea that they're not worth seeing.

When I was hospitalized for an attempt at the age of 17 and had to deal with a psychiatrist I think it was the final straw. He didn't care about anything but the party line of prescribing antidepressants and having me tell him I was feeling better and had developed "coping skills". The entire place was a joke, $1000 a day for cafeteria food, a cot, and a one-hour group therapy session with kids who were 4 years younger than myself who were put there because they had punched someone at school. They put me on Zoloft and this was another bad experience. I felt like a zombie, I couldn't think, I said things but couldn't formulate the thought in my head before I spoke. Nothing changed besides a resolve not to allow myself to be hospitalized again.

My depression comes in waves. One day I'm fine and then the next I'm feeling worse and then it spirals down over the course of days or weeks or months to the point where I'm seriously considering ending my own life. When I'm in the depressed mindset I feel that that's how I've always felt, that any happiness I must have felt was unreal. Now I've come to see the error in this way of thinking, but I've only replaced it with the thought that "this cycle of pain will just keep repeating, so what's the point?" I resent my family and close friend for existing because if they didn't I would be able to **** myself. I think if I had a real reason to live this wouldn't be happening but I don't. I'm a perfectionist constantly paralyzing myself with fears of failure. More than anything I need a real reason to live so that when things get painful I have a reason to endure, but this hasn't happened yet.

I realize this is a lot to read for not having a clear point, and it meanders a lot but I had so much running through my head it was difficult to formulate effectively.

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Hi and Welcome to DF A Poison Tree

I am glad to see that you were unable to go through with your attempt and that you are reaching out. Depression is a horrible illness and I am sorry that you do not trust therapists and have had bad experiences with pdoc's and meds. There are so many different meds and not all meds work for every person.

Depression does come and go, but if you find a good treatment plan for you and really good coping skills, your life can be substantially easier to manage.

Trace

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Hi,

I feel that I can relate a lot to your post. Although I don't have any experience being hospitalized, I know what you mean when you think about suicide. I think about it too sometimes but then I scare myself away by thinking about everyone that I love who would be left behind without a proper explanation that they deserve.

I still battle with the idea of my life being pointless, but sometimes I have to remind myself that I need to make the difference in my own life (I know, it is easier said than done and I still have not come to terms with this myself).

I have also been confused about my depression coming inconsistently. I still don't understand why that happens and I wish there was a way to control it. I wonder if I am running away from something that keeps coming up, but I can't think of anything. I really hate it though because for those days that I am depressed, I am so out of it. That may be why I haven't spoken to many people about it because they would think I was exaggerating...sometimes I am not even sure if I am really depressed or if I am just feeling sad.

I hope all does go well for you though! Just know that you are not the only one out there!

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I really have no idea why I'm posting this. I'm freezing up as I'm staring at the screen. I guess I'm really just wondering if anyone can relate to this.

I feel that my life is purposeless. I think the only reason I'm alive today is because of fear. Fear of messing up my suicide attempt. Fear of the possibility of going to hell (though I wouldn't consider myself Christian) for committing suicide. But most of all fear of the pain it would cause my family if I managed to go through with it. I've been extremely close before, but I never had the courage to do it. Just before doing it, I would always think of my family and I couldn't do it. It's gotten to the point now where I'm wondering if I could even be considered suicidal; do I just think I'm capable of ******* myself? There is no one I can talk to when I start to feel suicidal. I have one close friend and she has been one of the best things that ever happened to me, but she's not a therapist. She doesn't know what to say when I express these thoughts, although I don't trust therapists. I've only had one therapist that I considered worth talking to, but I have this aversion to opening up to anyone, it takes years of being close to someone for me to express what I consider to be personal issues to them. I was always told that what you tell a therapist is confidential but, probably because I was underage at the time, they chose to tell my parents what I said and this violated any trust or respect I had for them. This combined with the fact that they're being paid by you to listen just reinforces my idea that they're not worth seeing.

When I was hospitalized for an attempt at the age of 17 and had to deal with a psychiatrist I think it was the final straw. He didn't care about anything but the party line of prescribing antidepressants and having me tell him I was feeling better and had developed "coping skills". The entire place was a joke, $1000 a day for cafeteria food, a cot, and a one-hour group therapy session with kids who were 4 years younger than myself who were put there because they had punched someone at school. They put me on Zoloft and this was another bad experience. I felt like a zombie, I couldn't think, I said things but couldn't formulate the thought in my head before I spoke. Nothing changed besides a resolve not to allow myself to be hospitalized again.

My depression comes in waves. One day I'm fine and then the next I'm feeling worse and then it spirals down over the course of days or weeks or months to the point where I'm seriously considering ending my own life. When I'm in the depressed mindset I feel that that's how I've always felt, that any happiness I must have felt was unreal. Now I've come to see the error in this way of thinking, but I've only replaced it with the thought that "this cycle of pain will just keep repeating, so what's the point?" I resent my family and close friend for existing because if they didn't I would be able to **** myself. I think if I had a real reason to live this wouldn't be happening but I don't. I'm a perfectionist constantly paralyzing myself with fears of failure. More than anything I need a real reason to live so that when things get painful I have a reason to endure, but this hasn't happened yet.

I realize this is a lot to read for not having a clear point, and it meanders a lot but I had so much running through my head it was difficult to formulate effectively.

Hi,

I can relate to the suicide thought. When I am in my severe depessed state I feel life is meaningless. There is no point carrying on. I often contemplate suicide but the thought of my family grieving over my death stops me. I am on medication now & my mood seems stabilized. Even something trivial can throw me back into the dark abyss. I was on Zoloft but it did not help my depression. Then I changed to Mirtazapine but I am trying Pristiq. With Pristiq, I take it in the morning & it seems to lift the dark cloud off my head. So, work with your doctor to try & find out a medication that works for you. Like you, I don't think it is appropriate to open up to people about my condition. People just can't fathom the meaning of depresson unless they've been there themselves. Or they sometimes avoid you like a plague. Don't open up.

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I don't tell anybody about my SI unless they've had depression before. None of my family for sure. I don't want them smothering me with concern. The mental health professionals note it, but once you've been seen by them for a while, even if you still SI, they stop worrying about it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I guess a lot of us do think about it and even make plans but they have to garden shrub out the more serious risks because they can't worry about all of us.

The feelings of hopelessness do go away once meds kick in. I suspect the hospitalization is different for adults than for kids. I've heard they have lots of group therapy and are more directed at getting you on the right meds. If you're just starting out on one, they won't be able to do much. But if you've been on one that doesn't work, they can suggest something else. You probably know that AD's do have lots of different side effects in the first week or two. If they last longer than that, then you might have to switch medications. But if not, then it takes from 4 to 6 weeks usually to start working. If it doesn't work by then, they may bump up the dose or add a mood stabilizer before they try something else. I don't know if you've been through all this before so sorry if it's all a repeat to you.

A Poison Tree wrote: "
this cycle of pain will just keep repeating, so what's the point?"

That's what all seriously depressed people think, and maybe lots of moderate and mild cases too. But there are ways to break that cycle. First meds. Than getting out more if you isolate, then figuring out what you do like (I was really amazed to find out I had lots of interests once the AD's started working). I used Meetup to find people that had the same interests. It's much easier to make friends with people who have something in common with you. Once you know your interests, you can form goals. And from there on, it's pretty easy. You figure out small steps that'll help you reach your goals. Just having a goal was a huge relief to me, because not having anyway to help myself was very frustrating and I got angrier and angrier. Knowing your interests and forming goals give you a reason to live, besides you not wanting to hurt your family. It brings you back to a happy state.

Depression cycles like Bipolar I think, only instead of the manic phase, depression only goes up to a neutral level, at least for me it did. Plus it may take years to cycle. You probably already know the cognitive distortions, right? So you're aware that you are "Filtering" when you think more about the negative things and completely ignore the happy thoughts. Once you recognize your distortions, you can keep trying to correct them. The more you do it, the less you have. And the more realistic your thoughts become.

I do relate to what you're experiencing. I want to tell you that you can make it. Don't be afraid to hope again. Good luck!

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Hi Poision Tree, I glad to see you here, I have found a lot of wisdom on these forums. I can relate to how you feel. My experience has been that meds can do wonders but it is a trial and error process to find what works for each person. It can take some time. Just kown that your not alone and that you will get better.

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