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Didnt Expect To Be This Way At 20 Years Old...


SLG

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Im 20 years old and on paper my life probably sounds okay, but i would trade it all in sometimes just to feel happy. Im in my 2nd year at university and just letting past experiences ruin new ones for me. i have a mixture of issues that affect me and the person ive become. i know life isnt always going to be simple and everything isnt always going to go my way and that everything doesnt come easy. But, the past four years of my life have just spiraled and has related in me being depressed to a fact that im now on anti depressants.

four years ago i found out my mum had cancer and since that moment something inside of me changed. that whole year was just hurrendous, i met a boy who i fell in love with and all at the same time i had a fear of loosing my mum. my relationship with my dad suffered as he was stressed with work and doing household things and my relationship with my only brother angered me aswell as i felt he wasnt there enough for my parents after everything they had done and provided for us in life, i turned very resentful towards him. i had a year of falling in love with this boy, but also the emotion of fear and crying alot at loosing my mum. as she survived this hurrific event this boy id let in and told alot too decides to start treating me horrible, like sending abusive threatening texts, pushing me around in public and causing me to histerically be crying everyday at college. it all felt too much and then just as the year was ending, my nan died, i knew the last time i saw her that it would be the last time i see her alive so i accepted that. but all the fact this had come in one year at the age of 16 it just changed me and its taken me four years to realise how much it has. Im very angry and very bitter and the boy i fell in love with completely broke my heart and cheated on me after everything and how he'd treated me. after i ended things i remember it was a few days into the following year and i just remember thinking what had these people around me done to deserve this and what had i done to deserve to be treated like that.

as time went on things began to hurt less, as things do. but when i hit 18 i had to go to a surgen and at this age i had a breast reduction on one of my breasts and as i know it would look better after and would help my self esteem but i remember being so angry and bitter to thinking why me? of everyone in the area where i live it had to be me, yet again. and breats to a women are a big part of you, a feminine thing. i have horrible bad luck and i think after i had this operation i felt angry and guilty towards myself as i didnt really understand how my mum felt until after i had this and i just got very bitter inside and everytime i look in the mirror or when i go shopping or out at night i get very self conscious of it, but i tried to think just one of them things in life, but i wasnt really working through it i just tried to block it out. and once this started i started to block out the good aspects too.

i started university and you know you enjoy yourself, going out loads and having fun, but the personna i was portraying i didnt want people to see me as anymore, this wild party girl as i felt i had more to offer as a person and people only ever saw this one side to me and this began to affect my attitude towards boys as i felt they only looked at me for good enough for sex and nothing else and i never feel good enough for anyone, everytime a lad comes along, things seem to mess up and i get so down on myself and wonder whats wrong with me? im a nice person with values, im not perfect but then no-one is so i constantly blame my appearance and i get so down on myself, from about the age of 13 ive suffered with self esteem issues very hurrifically. but all these issues i have are affecting me now and i dont know how to get through them.

ive just gotton to a point in my life where i dont want anything to do with boys as all they seem to do is mess me around, im fed up of friends and people letting me down so my loyalties where thin now and i feel so emotionally drained that im just down or angry and im angry at myself for getting this way. i dont have much faith in alot of things anymore, as i feel the way ive thought for the past 20 years of my life isnt right as its resulted in me being like this. so i consumplate everything i do now, situations i get myself in and people who come along. i never know when to be too cautious or too risky and I've just gone in on myself, like i havent got that bubbly social type spark i had as i feel my confidence is gone and even though i get told im attractive and pull i never feel it and i know who you are as a person is important, when your young i think its okay to take pride in your appearance, im not shallow i just think its a young thing everyone goes through. i constantly compare myself to the people around me and the things they do yet things always seem to work out for them. i just feel so lost in life and in myself. i dont know if its that transition between growing up or what but does anyone else other feel like that? like everything around them is out of there control and nothing seems to go your way and you always expect the worst so that when it does happen it hurts less?

i never talk about things as i feel i shouldnt complain and i am very greatful for what i do have but i just feel so mixed up and all my morals and values are just gone, my faith and trust in people and love has disappeared and i dont give a s*** about alot as i dont see the point. life changes all the time and i just want some sort of aim or idea of what comes next, like ive worked all this way to get to uni and then what. i feel irrelevant and meaningless. like if i wasnt here would it make that much difference? i hear myself say this out loud sometimes and i think it sounds so stupid, but just my experiences have closed me off from certain opportunities and i feel like ive missed out on certain points in my life and dont want to anymore, but i need something more in life instead of just drifting through.

long and complex i know, but thats just me, but any advice? qn neutral view would help... x

Edited by SLG
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SLG,

Well, for starters, Cancer Sucks!. I lost my mother and sister to it. And a death in the family will mess you up no matter what. If there are things you haven't dealt with regarding that, having issues 4 years later is certainly possible. Things not dealt with will follow you around for much longer than that. It sounds to me like your brother just tried to disappear to deal with your mom's situation, so that may be why he did what he did. Everyone deals with things differently, especially guys who are trained not to be emotional or cry. Have you talked to him about that?

Not sure why the boyfriend started getting abusive, maybe he thought you weren't paying enough attention to him. That just shows that he was selfish and didn't care what you were going through; and the last thing a sensitive person needs is an abusive partner.

As far as ruminating about why your life is like this, what you did to deserve it, etc, etc, ...welcome to our club. It seems that all of us with depression are constantly analyzing ourselves and our interactions with others. You just have to learn to not turn it all inward in a negative self destructive manner. Give yourself some time to grieve if you haven't gone through that process. Take it easy and enjoy being with people. Its natural not to want to get hurt again, but your young and there will be plenty of other guys. You just have to find the right one. And I'm sorry, life doesn't come with instructions. I wish it did!

Good luck.

Steve

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Hello SLG,

I want to first encourage you not to give up on life. I read your story and I know you have experienced some very hurtful, troublesome times. But things don't have to continue to spiral downward. You can keep that from happening.

I see why you are starting to feel the way you do about life . Boys only interest in you is sex related, friends letting you down, abusive boyfriend, selfish brother, low self-esteem, insecurities, nan died, mother developing breast cancer and so on. This is a heavy burden for you to carry. And yes these things do impact how we view the world as adults. But we can change those old patterns of thinking. I know at this time you don't care and lack the motivation and will to give it shot. But I'm encouraging you to do so.

I would suggest getting some professional help. A good therapist would be a great source of support for at this time if that is a option for you. I would look into seeing what free resources the university has to offer also. A therapist could help you work through all of these issues that are affecting your outlook on life.

Though you feel irrevelant and meaningless, the university is a opportunity to prepare for a better future. And I would hate to see that fall by the waste side. My heart goes out to you and I wish you healing and wellness. Lets us continue to know how you are doing.

Lindahurt

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Hello, my reply will be short but hopefully sweet. Life does have a way of balancing out. Perhaps after all these bad things have happened, it will finally be *your* turn and things will reverse and turn around. Keep a positive attitude and high self esteem. Perhaps some therapy as Lindahurt suggested to help ease these past issues and move forward. I think you will soon see light break through those clouds if you hang in there and accomplish whatever goals you have set for yourself. I really wish you well...

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Hey SLG,

In many ways i was at where you are at. I am 36 now but back in college I was miserable, I had been coming off three bad relationships in a row and I just didn't feel I could trust, and I really closed myself off, sadly I picked up drinking alchohol to bury my feelings. My life continued to spiral out of control until I reached the age of 28 then I finally sought out help and dealt with my issues. I was so upset at myself for wasting those 9 years of my life not getting help and staying the way I was. Learn from my mistake, get help now and deal with it now, it is a short amount of pain now to face your issues, or you will suffer prolonged pain for many years until you do choose to face them, believe me they don't go away. And I have learned you can't lose faith in people, because if you do you also lose faith in yourself, because we are human and make mistakes as well. There are a ton of good guys out there, just always be sure to hold them to a high standard and push them to the curb if they don't treat you with respect. I am telling you with 100% certainty that life gets better, but it doesn't mean it will always be a cakewalk. Everything is magnified when you are younger, when you get older you get perspective on it and you see it was all part of learning and growing process to get you where you are suppossed to be in life. Stay strong!

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