Jump to content

Treading Water


Ilione

Recommended Posts

Well, I can certainly relate. I don't know what your situation is that you "cannot change" but it sounds like me in my 20's after my father died and I had to take care of my mother. I spent ten years of my life, when I should have been learning how to have my own life, taking care of my mom, who had psychiatric problems for most of her life. I sort of replaced my father for those years, driving her to doctor appointments, getting groceries, keeping her company, etc. I made the best of it by hanging around with friends, partying, and fixing cars in my backyard with friends, but it was a sort of ball and chain to have to be responsible for my mom.

In any case you can feel free to elaborate here, or PM me if you want. This is a safe place to communicate, and there are a lot of great people here that will understand.

Steve.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello, I just wanted to say I understand your plight 100% - you have described me to a hilt and probably alot of other people here on DF also. I see no harm in escaping to reading and movies, I love a good book *and* a good movie, and everyone agrees its escapism, its to remove us from out daily lives and place us in a fantasy situation that we enjoy.

I refer to it as *downtime*, however the problem becomes when you cant function in reality after down time. Thats when I think you need to seek help either medically or through therapy. You may need a bit of anti-depressant to get you out of a funk.

Yes, I don't think I've ever really functioned in reality though, it's always just been surviving. I won't take medication due to seeing the effects of it on my mother, and right now I can't afford therapy or get the family doctor involved/thinking I may have depression of any kind. I know I can fix myself as soon as I get the breathing space, it's just coping with the wait, I suppose.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I can certainly relate. I don't know what your situation is that you "cannot change" but it sounds like me in my 20's after my father died and I had to take care of my mother. I spent ten years of my life, when I should have been learning how to have my own life, taking care of my mom, who had psychiatric problems for most of her life. I sort of replaced my father for those years, driving her to doctor appointments, getting groceries, keeping her company, etc. I made the best of it by hanging around with friends, partying, and fixing cars in my backyard with friends, but it was a sort of ball and chain to have to be responsible for my mom.

In any case you can feel free to elaborate here, or PM me if you want. This is a safe place to communicate, and there are a lot of great people here that will understand.

Steve.

Gosh, you're so very close to some of my situation =)

My mum has had psychiatric problems since I was very small; I have run our home since I was 13. Before that we lived with my grandparents. My grandad, who was my one constant, like a father and best friend, became ill when I was a teenager and passed away when I was 21. A few years ago I moved my grandmother in to live with us as she has advanced dementia and requires constant care. We're awaiting a place in a care to become available. What little social life (I do have good friends) I had before is pretty much on hiatus right now.

"I spent ten years of my life, when I should have been learning how to have my own life,"

Just to hear someone say something like that makes me so, so glad I opted to join here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello, I just wanted to say I understand your plight 100% - you have described me to a hilt and probably alot of other people here on DF also. I see no harm in escaping to reading and movies, I love a good book *and* a good movie, and everyone agrees its escapism, its to remove us from out daily lives and place us in a fantasy situation that we enjoy.

I refer to it as *downtime*, however the problem becomes when you cant function in reality after down time. Thats when I think you need to seek help either medically or through therapy. You may need a bit of anti-depressant to get you out of a funk.

Yes, I don't think I've ever really functioned in reality though, it's always just been surviving. I won't take medication due to seeing the effects of it on my mother, and right now I can't afford therapy or get the family doctor involved/thinking I may have depression of any kind. I know I can fix myself as soon as I get the breathing space, it's just coping with the wait, I suppose.

Hi Ilione,

I read your story. It seems like you are waiting to be released from some type of relationship or something before you can move on. I drew this conclusion because you said "waiting for my freedom/peace/chance at my own life, to come". If this is part of the case, I wish you well and hope it comes soon.

Lindahurt

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ilione

I can relate to what our saying. I dont know exactly how you feel as we all feel different, but I sure can relate. I myself use to find books and movies and tv as a way out, but I still found I was thinking about how much my life sucks and how much I know it isnt going toever get better. I was amazed at how so many little things in books or movies or tv shows could trigger memories and from there it just snowballs into deeper depression or flash backs due to PTSD. And as we all know to well , being so depressed I found I became very lethargic and disorientated , hazy and my memory was worse than my 79 year old mothers' who has Alzheimer. I found that the only thing that actually relieved my mental anguish was sleep. Actually not sleep nearly as much as dreams. It might sound weird to some, but over the years I have actually figured out to lead my dreams. I cant decide what I dream about, but I can change them in process. So if its a bad dream, I can somehow make them into good dreams, and actually control things in them. Which is a 1000% improvement over my real life. Even if I have horrible dreams and terrible things happen to me or loved ones in them, they are still not nearly as bad as my real life. My escape is dreaming.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I often feel this way too. I am 25 and feel as if my life will ultimately go nowhere because I can't seem to get control of it. I always follow what others want me to do. I'm influenced too much by other opinions. Now I'm in a job that I'm not sure will make me happy or not. I just took it because it will pay the bills and get my mom off my back for the time being. I had the day off today and I already dread going back in tomorrow. I have this horrible feeling it will be too stressful and unfulfilling for me to handle. It's so frustrating feeling this way when I just want it all to stop. I wish my life was how I pictured it to be. I don't want riches or a lazy, carefree life...I just want to do something I'm passionate about. I just want to be normal for once.

I cover up with either smiles or silence. I smile a lot and fake happiness. "Gotta fake it until you make it" is my motto. I don't know if people at my work have caught on yet, maybe they do, maybe they don't. Either way I come into work and try to be as upbeat as possible. Whenever I feel like I am going to break apart, I go to the bathroom for a quick 5 minutes to recoup. Then I come back as enthusiastic as ever. I try to push down all those fears, resentments, frustrations, anxieties, sadness, pain...all that I try to block out of my mind....just get through tasks as best I can and hope I don't get fired for asking too many questions and being unsure how to do my job. I'm new so I have a lot of performance anxiety I guess.

Silence helps me too. In the morning before I leave for work, and in the evening after I come home, I'm totally quiet. I talk a little about my job to my mom but I try to keep it as short and positive as possible. Otherwise, the less I can say the better...I don't feel like many people would understand my discomfort. So all that pain and fake happiness is pushed down inside of me. Into this uncomfortable-about-to-explode silence.

I haven't cried once since I started my job. I know I am definitely overdue for one. Maybe this weekend? I think I could use the release...I already can't wait for 5pm tomorrow!

Anyway, I have friends but they are now far away because I recently moved. My mom doesn't understand and doesn't know how I feel. I have my cats and that's all I really come home to at night. I feel helpless and on-edge. I try to find comfort from small things, which lead me slowly through the day, but sometimes I can't help but fall apart regardless.

You mentioned losing yourself into books and movies...do you daydream? I have something called "maladaptive daydreaming" which is a condition in which an individual daydreams or fantasizes as a psychological response to prior trauma, abuse, stress, etc. It's not like normal daydreaming where you do it occasionally and it's not just a small part of your day. Maladaptive daydreaming is when you literally "daydream your life away." I have an addiction to daydreaming and I do it whenever I can. But sometimes, like lately, I have been too stressed out to daydream, which is my coping mechanism. So I guess that adds to my frustration - that I can't even escape from my anxiety for the time being.

I hope all that helps or makes sense. You are certainly not alone with those feelings. Would you be able to do small things to change your life around? Picking up a hobby? Attending church? Volunteering? Reading up on a favorite subject or interest? I think this weekend I will make a back-up plan in case this job falls through for whatever reason....or things that I can do on the side that gives me some sense of purpose.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What worries me most is that I find myself escaping more and more into films and books. I mean, I become consumed by them. I almost feel completely detached from reality at times, living in some dream world. The second I become sucked into another world, my problems dissolve away. Of course, they're still there when I come back to reality. And this whole process prevents me making real plans -- and taking action towards where I want to be -- when I eventually get the chance.

I identify a lot with your post, especially this part.

Yes, we all like to 'escape' into a fantasy world every once in a while, but I also share your concerns about doing it so often that it stymies any real-life progress.

But as Fiona Apple sings, "Hunger hurts but starvin' works when it costs too much to love."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...