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My Miserable Existence

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HI, I've been reading this forum for a month or two, and finally decided to write. Where to start... I was born in the early 60's and my mother has had major depressive episodes all of my life. Apparently she had post partum depression and my sister, 10 yrs older, did a lot to take care of me as an infant. When I was 6 she was put in a mental hospital for a month; I had no idea what was going on. She was in mental hospitals on and off until she died of cancer in 1995. My dad worked full time until he died in 1983. A few years before then, in my high school years, his drinking problem got really bad. He used to lecture me for hours while we were watching TV at night, in a drunken stupor. I'm not sure what he said, but the message I got was I'm not doing things right, I'm hanging around with the wrong crowd, and I'll never amount to anything. I quit school in 11th grade because I had social anxiety, an ulcer, acute shyness, horrible acne, was terrified of girls, and had a splash of sexual orientation confusion to boot.

I had crushes on some girls in my teens and 20's, but was afraid to talk to any of them; not being able to imagine why anyone would want me. Finally at the age of 28, a girl 'chose me'. I've been with her ever since, and have recently come to the conclusion that she has BPD. At first she was infatuated with me, to an uncomfortable degree sometimes. Then came the manipulation, controlling, humiliation in public, her paranoia in public, the tantrums etc. At present, we're married for 8 years. We were together before getting married for 12 years +/-. As time progressed our love life fizzled; its difficult to get your body to cooperate with someone who treats you like ****, if you get my drift. In June she said out of the blue that she wants a divorce. I was shocked. Her divorce me? I'm the one that should be trying to get away from her craziness. I was devastated nonetheless. I went out of town for a couple of days for work, meanwhile she drove 250 miles to move in with some guy she met on internet gaming. When I got home from the work thing, she was gone. A day later, she calls me up crying hysterically saying she's coming back, the whole moving in thing fell apart. So now, she's in the master bedroom, I'm in the spare room, and we're basically roommates. She's "using" me (or so it feels) until she finishes her BA degree at the end of the year. I help her with homework and am nice to her, and lately she's nice to me...sort of. She doesn't do much around the house, I cook all the meals, after working 12 hours outdoors in S. Florida while she works 8 in an office. She won't stop at the store for groceries, I have to do that too. I walk the dogs, she plays video games, and I don't know what is going to happen when she gets her degree. I don't want to lose my house that I've rebuilt from a basket case, and everything else I've worked for-for 8 years. I don't know if I can afford to pay for everything without her income, or if she plans to 'take me to the cleaners'. She's handled all of the finances, and I recently checked on our situation and was horrified to see how much debt we have. She's finally seeing a counselor, but I don't know for what; to work on the marriage or plan an exit strategy. I've been on antidepressants since my father died ages ago, and I have had years of therapy. I also have a good job that I've had for 16 years, and I'm the head technician and do things no one else knows how to do; (at least I have something rewarding in life). She has killed any amount of self esteem I had, which I had to fight and work hard for after my father's emotional abuse and my mother's emotional unavailability. My immediate family is all dead, all of the friends I grew up with are 1000 miles away, and the people from work are the only other acquaintances I have. So, I have no support system, no love, sex, affection, or anyone to talk to about stuff this deep, and I have to struggle to care about anything and keep the anxiety from taking over. I don't know if I'll be losing everything and living under a bridge in 6 months, and I can't even contact anyone on an internet dating site because I'm still married. Oh, and did I mention she gave me herpes when we first met? I go from functional to suicidal and back despite the Wellbutrin. I had to cut way back on the Prozac and caffeine because I was having anxiety attacks. I don't sleep right, and I see no way out of this mess. Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.

I don't even know why I'm writing all of this, but I'm so lonely I can't stand it. I'm an OK looking guy; I'm in pretty good shape for my age, and I'm the nicest person you'd ever want to meet, but the idea of starting over at this point sounds impossible, especially considering my inferiority complex. I can't even make friends, much less female ones, and I'm kind of a geek, so there's probably not that much that I can talk about that women would be interested in, except for psychology.

So, are there any nice people out there? I went from a dysfunctional family to a dysfunctional relationship, so I don't know what normal is. Hopefully this isn't it. ....What about caring loving women that know how to give instead of take, take, take. I'm a good person, why is my life just a series of nightmares? Death, tragedy, abuse....All I want is someone to love who loves me back. Is that too much to hope for? Sorry for the length of this diatribe. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.


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i might sound selfish, but I think you must seek out. She is not worth the hassle. she wants to finnish BA degree? well, not from you pal. get out of that house immediately. take the car. do not look back. I am serious.

i truly dunno when you are going to find the special someone. I never found it, but you will have a lot more chances when you get rid of that exess baggage. only you can help yourself brother.

the first step is to find a new place for you, far from this woman. then work on the next. one step at the time.

good luck.

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I agree with the poster above. What you're "doing" (i.e. the situation that you're involved in with this female) is not working and is not going to work. Its past time that you made your own self, your needs and putting forth the most earnest effort possible to find peace, possibly even some happiness, the main priorities within your life.

Whatever you need to do to get away from her with the least impact upon your financial situation as possible...you need to do this. A healthy relationship is something that you want desperately, as long as you remain with the female that you describe you will not acheive that.

You might be living beneath a bridge anyway, in 6 months, so just get the hell away from her...get her gone. Sounds like adultery is a potential thing she brings to the divorce table, I don't know Florida Divorce law but she has ended this marriage. I hope you can get away from her and to....you.

There is plenty of Beauty that remains for someone your age, you just need to get out of this bad and vexating environment. Until you do that you're in a Rut that, naturally, is gonna make things look hopeless.

I liked your post, its honesty. I face the same things, in some ways. Many many many people are in places like your own both mentally and physically...in loveless relationships and pain. Thats no consolation of course but just to say that you're not "the crazy one" here or, at least....you are far from the ONLY Crazy one here. :)

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It's so easy to be on 'this side' of a situation like yours and to give advice. based on what I know of your situation, the easy thing to say is for you to walk away and salvage your life and your happiness. The hard thing about saying that is not understanding why you haven't done so yet - something is keeping you there.

I am in a situation that has some similiar parallels to yours in some aspects. I have not left because of a son, a marriage, sheer stupid stubborness, fear (of multiple things) and this fading glimmer of hope we might yet fix it..

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