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ryuuji

No Friends. No Religion. No Job. No Life.

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No Friends. No Religion. No Job. No Life.

Let me start by letting you know who I am. I am 22 years old, I love music, video games, and anime. My personality is more on the outgoing and talkative side (I wasn't always like that), but I love to help people and just generally make people feel good, its one of my favorite things to do. I like to laugh and have fun. I am very strong willed, but I am very emotionally deep.

Lets start the story at the beginning. Ever since I was born, I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this religion, its a very strict christian based religion, and I had to follow it for fear of losing my family because you would be "Disfellowshipped" and nobody is even supposed to talk to you. This immediately reduced the amount of friends I had, because Witnesses believe that you should limit your friendship or even contact with people who are not of the same religion (AKA "Worldly People"). In school, I was always quiet and shy, and even when someone would invite me to lets say a birthday party (Very common), but because of my religion I was unable to go, both because birthdays are bad according to the Witnesses and because the people are "Worldly" and I shouldn't be friends with them. Most movies, tv shows, books, ect. were basically shunned because there were hints of magic (which was from the devil) or something else that was "from the devil."

School for me was very depressing, especially when you are separated from everyone emotionally. Valentines day was always the worst, again because Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate any holidays, I never got anything for valentines. It was always tough to see people dating at school, as dating was a very difficult thing for Witnesses, so I never dated anyone during school, even though I (and my hormones wanted to). I never did my homework because I believed it was worthless since I can ace all my tests without the help of dreadful homework, but I think its also because it depressed me a little to even think about school. Eventually, I dropped out of my freshman year of high school and got my Good Enough Degree (AKA GED, though its technically a HS diploma, and it says it on the paper).

My brother was the worst bully of my life. He is a year and a half older than me, but complete polar opposites (Probably due to the fact he has a different father, biologically speaking, as my dad married my mother before he was born) We would get along sometimes, but he would always start fights with me, tease me, and ditch me whenever he could. The worst though, was that he liked to do all of that when other kids were around. So, I grew up alone and with no self-confidence. He is one of the biggest hot-heads I've ever known, he is a slob, a jerk, and everybody liked him... but I was the only one who knew he was one of the worst people I've known. Everyone was friends with my brother, and everyone only knew me as his "little brother."

After I dropped out of school, I mostly stayed home and played video games until the late hours of the night, sometimes until the next day. Eventually I started working for a landscaping company, but didn't work there for long. My parents then were going through financial problems so we sold our house and moved to New Mexico where my moms family is from (My brother stayed). They thought it would be a good change. Well, it turns out we moved to one of the worst cities on the earth, and a very very small one, especially where I am from. This town was so foreign to me because its very much a hispanic area. On top of that was gang violence, racism against people who aren't hispanic, extremely low IQ's (honestly, not a joke... the people in this town are mind-blowingly stupid.), animal abuse (packs of wild dogs roam the streets, and dogs with owners are usually mistreated quite bad, tied to tree's or poles and rarely given fresh water or food) and lots and lots of drugs, the people were hard to understand because they talk a weird hybrid of spanish and english and weird voice inflections that actually made them sound even more dumb than they were. So, back to the story, I decided to use this move and an opportunity to rewrite who was was, be who I wanted to be. I got a job as a waiter, which really helped me break through my shyness. But, again I had little friends because of my religion. The Jehovah's Witnesses in this New Mexico town were a mess. They acted no different from the typical people in this city. The kids had grudges against each other for YEARS (literally... years and years and years... ugh) So, I had to pick a side if I were to gain any friends there. So, instead I stayed home and played video games.

Eventually, I got a job an hour away at a ski resort (My dad suggested applying there, since he worked there himself). It was a breath of fresh air. Eventually my family moved to the ski resort because we were sick of the 2 hours of commuting every day. Now I am in an even smaller town. But, the winter season is over and I need a new job, so I start working at the ski lift during the summer (They transport mountain bikers to the top). I actually knew my new boss because he was our ski repair guy last winter, and I had shown a lot of interest of how ski technology worked, and he took a liking to me. I stayed as his right hand man, and landed a nice job for the winter, asst manager. But due to odd circumstances, I was his only option for a different position: Retail Store Manager. I was nervous about the whole thing, because I had never worked in retail before, but they just needed someone good with computers to learn their sales system. So, I busted my *** to be ready for winter season in my new retail store. My boss during this time, kinda took advantage over my help and I basically did all of his paperwork. But when winter came around, and the skiing season started back up, the anxiety overwhelmed my boss and he would yell at everyone (Not customers), and blame everything on all the employees. I was already used to this, because he is a hot-head, and I've been through worse with my brother. So, eventually he succumbed to his alcoholism and was fired. But they had nobody to replace him. Fortunately, I had been doing all his paperwork this whole time and managed my retail shop, and his rental shop. I was putting in over 85 hours a week, minimum. I thought I made some friends with the people I worked with, but they are just different people. They liked to party, and I don't. So, the winter season came to an end, and I was finally able to relax. But, management at the resort had absolutely no appreciation for what I did. If it wasn't for me both of those shops would have gone under. So, now I am out of a job, collecting unemployment. No car, no friends, no religion, no life.

The Religion and Relationships part of my story will be continued on the next post.

Edited by ryuuji

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**An edit about me**

I forgot to mention in the initial post, that I am the typical "Good Guy." I can't help but want to help others and make them happy.

**

The relationships of my past is pretty short, as my experiences with girls had always been cut short due to my religion. Also, I tend to be protective and jealous in my relationships, and since I am an emotionally deep person, I get attached very quickly.

My first girlfriend, was a girl I met online. I met her during the time after I dropped out of school. She really was the perfect girl for me, especially in hindsight. I never actually met her, as she lives in Europe. But our online relationship lasted for 3 years. I really did love her, even though it seems so weird. But during this time of my life, I and my family were still religious and that made things even more difficult. There were some things she didn't understand, and others she didn't agree with. But, I thought that was bad, because I grew up that way, I thought she would just have to accept it, which proved difficult. Eventually, I became even more religious because of depression, thinking that would make me happier. So, I broke up with her. Something I still regret.... so much...

My 2nd "girlfriend" was a girl I met in New Mexico. She was amazing, we had so many things in common that it was astounding. But, due to my lack of experience with relationships, I was too clingy and she was a bit calloused to love. She also just got out of a long relationship, and she had some other problems. She was also the first girl I had fooled around with, but we never had sex. But, I eventually pushed her away by being clingy, and found her ******* one of her many guy friends. This relationship lasted about 2 months.

3rd girlfriend. I met her about 3 or 4 months after the previous girl, still in new mexico in the worst city in the world. I met her while I was waiting tables. She was pretty shy, and nervous when she was talking to me. She was with her family at the time, and I could overhear her family trying to convince her to ask me for my phone number. But, I decided to ask her myself instead. We had a few things in common. She liked anime and video games, and she came from a christian family. She would go to a christian youth group every week (I think her mom was making her go). I decided to go with her a couple times. But eventually, I realized she was still very much like all the other people in this city. Dirty and messy, she talked like them (which i cant stand their weird english/spanish hybrid that sounds like they have such a whiny attitude), she had the same interests (she liked cars a lot, which I couldn't give two s**** about), eventually I started to dislike her. And I broke up with her in a terrible way, because I never had to do it before. So, I told her I was moving back to my home state, but in actuality I went to visit, and then moved to the ski resort town an hour away. She still really liked me, and texted me a lot.... I can't remember why she stopped, but she probably hates me now.

**Side note*** As I was really depressed and bored one day, I looked up her facebook account, and now her and the girl before her are friends. Kind of a depressing thought.

The last girlfriend I had, I met her when I was working over 85+ hours a week. She kinda drifted into the town, and we kinda started seeing each other. She didn't have a phone, car, and was sleeping on a friends couch. But, she was like all the other kids in this town, she liked to party and drink and such. But, one day we both got drunk and she said she was really happy with me and wanted me to be her boyfriend. I accepted, and kissed her, but then she said she might not remember tomorrow morning and she wanted me to remind her. So, the next morning, I did, but something was weird... And she stopped talking to me for months.

To be continued.

Edited by ryuuji

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My religion....When I was a kid, I tried to be as good a possible. Jehovah's Witnesses are supposed to have extremely high standards on what they do. I never "associated with worldly people," I never had sex out of wedlock, I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 15, and she was in another country. I tried to do everything right, but still it felt like I was being left out from all the other groups of Witness kids. Especially the kids of the more "higher ranked" Witnesses. As it turns out, I was the only one doing the right thing. Everyone else was breaking these rules, and getting more attention in the congregation than I was. I eventually looked back and realized that being in such a strict religion hindered my life quite a bit. I couldn't watch certain movies, play certain games, I was even discouraged from going to college so I never planned on going, even though I wanted to. I was discouraged from being who I wanted to be!

Also, due to financial problems, I never got my drivers license. My father was convinced he couldn't pay for the insurance hike he would get if I get my drivers license. And they still had to deal with my brother getting a car/license first. At first I had no problem with that because where I lived had a great bus system, and tons of bicycle trails to get around. But, time went by and it was forgotten. When we moved, my parents bought my brother another car because the other one had problems that needed to be fixed, and my brother was far too lazy to fix it. And still... I am lacking both a car, and even more importantly a license. So, in new mexico, I was already depressed and had no friends, so I just stayed inside all day except for work.

More about my brother... During all my depression, my brother, who in a way I despise, goes through girlfriends left and right, and all I can think about is how much of a jerk he is and how he tormented me all my life. So, why does he get so many girls, and friends, and attention, and GOOD THINGS? Such is the frustration of the typical "Good Guy"

In summary, I have no friends, No car, No religion to give me hope but only more depression when I think about it, and no job to keep me busy. I am alone, in my parents basement, with no hope. This town I live in, is technically a "villiage" thats how small it is. There is absolutely nothing to do. The closest city that has at least a movie theater is a 30 minute drive.

I just want somebody to truly care and love me. At least a "shoulder to cry on." So, thats why I am here...

Edited by ryuuji

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Also, I forgot to mention, ever since I lost my job I've been using a lot of drugs. I have also been drinking a good amount.. even though I don't even like to drink that much. I would love to go see a therapist or something, or at least get an anti-depressant but I have no health insurance.

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Hi and welcome to DF. I just read all of your posts, but I don't know what kind of advice I can give you. On a + note I also like anime and video games, so if you need someone to talk to, feel free to pm (private message) me.

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Hi. I just read all you wrote here. That's a sad yet interesting story. Interesting because it's so different than the life I've lived, and it was a detailed story. Maybe you should start a blog here? You seem to have a lot of thoughts and emotions to let out.

For me figuring out what was the cause of my suffering helped. Sounds like you're pinpointing what has gone wrong. Now maybe you can make goals on how to fix them. Start small.

It's too bad you don't have the money to seek professional help. That same reason stopped me from going for years. I hope DF can help you talk it out, sort of like a group therapy. It's probably a good start. People here are very helpful and supportive. We're here for you.

I also like video games and anime (hence the profile pic). Feel free to chat with me too.

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It seems kinda weird that people know so much about me now....

Well, I have a car now. And I'm planning to move back to my hometown in Oregon. More people out there, more things to do. Also more music shops, since I need a new acoustic guitar. I have some money saved, and I am planning on moving back once I have 3 months worth of rent saved, so I have at least 3 months to find a job. And at least I will have fun, since I haven't been back there in nearly 5 years.

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You've lived an interesting life. I think that's something you should look at. Consider a novel, and the characters within. What keeps us hooked, and reading, anticipating the next chapter? The tragedy, the unfortunate circumstances, the difficulties, the flaws and the imperfections of each character. We can't wait to find out what's going to happen next, and we always hold hope that the character will make it through. Now if the story were straightforward, with no tragedy, no difficulties, no flaws, no imperfections, would it be so exciting? Would it teach us anything? You may have a different opinion on that analogy, but there's no doubt you've succeeded in overcoming very demanding obstacles. While not everyone in this world will understand or see it, I hope it's some comfort in knowing I have respect for you and what you've accomplished, and you should have the same for yourself.

Life will always throw curveballs. Jobs will sometimes be lost, friends will be lost, girlfriends will be lost. It's a part of life. It's not the end of the world and it shouldn't be looked at as such. You pick yourself up, you dust yourself off, and even if your leg is broken it shouldn't keep you from limping to your goal. This is your life. Never settle for anything less than what gives you inner peace and happiness. Every experience in life has value. It becomes a part of our story, and while some things feel too hard to bear, it's such burdens that help us achieve wisdom and courage.

In regards to your trouble with finding the "right" girl, I would like you to consider something. A battery has a positive end, and a negative end. It needs both for it to work. Relationships are really, at their core, no different. In science positive and negative electrical charges attract one another, but two charges of the same type repel. Being entirely like someone does not mean that the relationship is perfect. In reality, it can cause it to fall apart. Being in a relationship with someone should teach you new things, about life, and about yourself. And being with someone who is different than you, who has been through different experiences, and has different interests, is part of what helps you grow. It's important to keep an open mind and be willing to learn new things and explore new interests. Don't set yourself in stone, particularly when you are young. Keeping this mindset will not guarantee your next relationship will be perfect, because you also have to accept you are not perfect, and your partner is not perfect. They are a person as much as you are, and you should have respect and appreciation for who they are, and not brush them off because they have an interest that you do not or speak a way that you don't fully understand. Keep an open mind and an open heart, and don't be so quick to judge - unless you are ready to be judged yourself.

I play video games as well, and I've played guitar for six years - I love music. If you want to talk, feel free to send me a message.

Stay strong.

-A

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@MindSlave, what I was trying to say about that girl, was that I should have spent more time getting to know her first because she was in fact repulsive once I got to know her more. Not just because she started acting like the people in that town, but because she was a filthy person (Which also reminded me of my brother... *shudder*), But... the fact she also acted like those stuck-up, disrespectful, insensitive and inhuman things that crawl around that town was very much like getting s***t sprinkles on top of my s***t ice cream that I was served by the world, thats just too much s***t for me to swallow.

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@MindSlave, what I was trying to say about that girl, was that I should have spent more time getting to know her first because she was in fact repulsive once I got to know her more. Not just because she started acting like the people in that town, but because she was a filthy person (Which also reminded me of my brother... *shudder*), But... the fact she also acted like those stuck-up, disrespectful, insensitive and inhuman things that crawl around that town was very much like getting s***t sprinkles on top of my s***t ice cream that I was served by the world, thats just too much s***t for me to swallow.

Completely understandable. My comment -- so that you understand better -- was more general advice about a general matter. In the end, there are some people, no matter how well we may "click" with them, that just don't committ enough positive actions to make up for the negative affects they have on us. Such relationships shouldn't be given the time to develop, as they'll just hurt more and more with time. Through all the sharks and parasites you'll inevitably encounter on your search, eventually you'll find your fish in the sea.

-A

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I am really sorry about your experience. Regarding you brother, I am 14 and I am having a s*** time, and when I get home, often i am very harsh on my sister, I dony shamelessly bully her but i do get very agitated and short tempered with her, but she doesn't really understand what i go through every day. So she looks at me as some sort of 2d pillar in her life. If you look at your brother as someone who had his own set of problems it may take some of the strain off you.

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