Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
r90

You Know You'Re Borderline When...

Recommended Posts

MY NOT FUNNY BPD:

Take a small matter, which is definitely being resolved in two days, and ruminate on it so much that the mere chance of asking this infinitely important thing is so utterly horrifying...even though, in reality, you still know it's not a big deal.

MY FUNNY (IN RETROSPECT) BPD:

You go to the beach and do not like sand and are adamant about not going in the water because a) it is not transparent, and there is something about that which you find inherently frightening and don't know how anyone else could be satisfied with the opacity of the water and b) mention its relatively high pollution content (now this is true, actually) because of the quantity of boats in the harbor and the lack of ample water movement. The temperature is about 95 degrees. Who stops to analyze the beach? Out loud?

Edited by Liliah

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

New to a BPD diagnosis but I'm SO like alot of these comments...

How about this?

You have such a good day and have been so unbelievably productive you decide to go get your favorite food from the supermarket, bounce up and down the isles sporadically giggling to yourself because you're so happpy but then realise people are looking at you wondering why your laughing and then you know everyones watching you and wondering why your so strange and you want everyone to stop looking at you. You realise you've got some cheese (no that's not my favorite food), cotton thread (my wallets got ***** in it, better sew that up), and deoderant (that new one looks interesting! - think I've got every type going by now) in your basket; you don't want any of it but you can't put it back because people will see you but you can't check out because you'll look like a twat so you settle with walking up and down the isles buying others things (including fruit because you've got to look healthy when you go to the check out) to make the purchase seem more sensible. Then check out through self-serve because your too scared to go to the till.

Get home, your head clears up, sit back & laugh at yourself then check the bank balance and feel depressed at how broke you are almost get to the point of SI then while trying to distract yourself remember this awesome forum, find this thread that reminds you loads of others are like you and sit bopping to Santana happy again.

All in a days work...

How about:

You have to keep all your money in a savings account that takes 3 days to clear to stop you blowing every penny you have.

Your driving down the road utterly convinced you could drive through the other cars because there not there.

Life is an impulse.

One day your the most outgoing happy person ever, the next you can't make it out of bed because whats the point?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi rockinron_1 good to meet you. I have wild spending sprees to and I hoard stuff. I love Lush bath and show products and I have tonnes. Went in there again today and convinced myself that buying bubble bath for my daughter doesn't count.

DF is an awesome forum, it's great to have a save haven on the Internet.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi rockinron_1 good to meet you. I have wild spending sprees to and I hoard stuff. I love Lush bath and show products and I have tonnes. Went in there again today and convinced myself that buying bubble bath for my daughter doesn't count.

DF is an awesome forum, it's great to have a save haven on the Internet.

OMG Lush! I'm the same! Also Books are my weakness!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel exactly the same way on any forum are people gonna reject me, what if noone replies Im gonna feel a thousand times worse than I do now im oviously not worth replying to so I shouldn't write in the first place, but I need to make the effort to make friends cause I have no friens, I have pushed them all away thanks to BPD

YKYBW you have a HUGE case of abandonment issues. When at the end of EVERY conversation, the thought of being abandoned comes up.

A couple entries from my journals:

Fear of Abandonment: a couple days ago, i found a website of people that have a forum setup to talk about issues and offer each other support. Ever since my very first post on the forum, all i can think about is "Are they going to reject me?" and "Are they going to abandon me?". Realistically, everything is fine. Some people have read my posts. A few have replied to them. Why is my mind going around in circles about this? I'm thinking to myself "i should post more things to build some relationships" and at the same time i think "i shouldn't post so much because the more people know me, the closer i get to them abandoning me". Damned if i do and damned if i don't. And i feel that no matter which path i take, it won't work out anyways. And yet i keep putting myself in situations to try to make friends. This circle is pretty much how all my relationships go.

Maybe i don't know where that line is and i'm always afraid of crossing it? The more i talk, the higher the chance i cross it. Maybe i don't know good ways to develop relationships?

I hate getting this desire to be connected to someone. To love someone. To have someone love me back. All it does is lead to anger, disappointment, worthlessness, helplessness, jealousy, lonely, frustrated, withdrawn, abandoned, lost, despair, rejection, bitterness, hate, resentment, vulnerable, unworthy, and depression. I usually sit in depression for a while until i go hurt myself.

I now see why i listen to love songs when i'm in a pit of despair and depression. Because they make me feel the same way as the desire does.

Maybe i assumed wrong. Maybe that is what love is about. If that is the case, then why do people hold it in such regard?

Referring to my therapist:

When you said "wow" when you read last weeks journaling, and then asked me about the therapy question, it instantly felt like you were going to give up on me. Like you were extremely offended. Were you? Or was this another "reading too much into it" situation?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What a great topic, after reading all of your posts I realised that yes yes there really are others like me out there I have felt so alone knowing I have BPD, Im also sorry that we all have this in common cause it can be a nightmare. I avoid people these days through fear of rejection, I know I will get too close to them and then turn crazy and start avoiding them cause I will believe that they think I am too needy. Occassionally I do meet someone, let my guard down and guess what it happens again so best I keep my distance until I can learn how to deal with this issue. Like posting here, what if I don't get a reply will that mean I am as worthless as I believe, maybe I shouldn't post save myself the heartache, but I need to make the effort and am so greatful to you guys who have posted here, my diagnosis has been a recent one so I am still learning what this all means.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Books are my other weakness too icebaby, I brought a couple at the weekend when I have loads already.

I quite literally cant go into a book shop without buying at least one book I currently have about 300 ive yet to read but still buy more :s

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What a great topic, after reading all of your posts I realised that yes yes there really are others like me out there I have felt so alone knowing I have BPD, Im also sorry that we all have this in common cause it can be a nightmare. I avoid people these days through fear of rejection, I know I will get too close to them and then turn crazy and start avoiding them cause I will believe that they think I am too needy. Occassionally I do meet someone, let my guard down and guess what it happens again so best I keep my distance until I can learn how to deal with this issue. Like posting here, what if I don't get a reply will that mean I am as worthless as I believe, maybe I shouldn't post save myself the heartache, but I need to make the effort and am so greatful to you guys who have posted here, my diagnosis has been a recent one so I am still learning what this all means.

I totally understand your fear and hold it myself. All I can say is please hold on to the fact there are a lot of others like you. Also find out as much as you can about BPD, it can help you get your head round things and understand what is going on a little better.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You go to the mall and apply for multiple credit cards and max them all out because you're attempting to buy a little (or lot of) happiness.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Newly diagnosed with BPD, amongst many other things :(

You know you're borderline when:

You decide to "test" people so you de-activate your facebook account to see who notices you're gone. As the hours and days pass, the longer someone takes to email you the "worse" they are (thought process = they are not friends, I can't rely on them). Anyone who doesn't contact you is immediately villified and blacklisted. You start to feel lonely and empty, feelings of abandonment creep in. You realise you need to win back those friends, so re-activate your facebook account, make an excuse about computer difficulties and act like nothing ever happened. But somewhere deep in your mind you remember who never contacted you and watch them closely. If they interact with other people and seem to ignore you, you delete and block them. Later you think you over reacted and wonder what you were thinking. You chastise and blame yourself for not having any friends because your behaviour is so erratic. Over time you add more "friends"....

*Repeat cycle*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Um......maybe I should be in this forum?

I can relate to every....single....response......on this particular thread. I have not been officially diagnosed with BPD, but I've certainly experienced raging moods going from happiness to anger in a split second. This occurs mostly when I'm going through menstruation, but I've noticed other times this has happened. I want to get to the bottom of my rapid mood changes.

I'll continue to read this thread because I'm finding so many similarities about myself here.

You spend half the day thinking 'you just dont understand!!' when people question you over things, and not in a diva dramatic way, in a completely honest they dont understand way.

You can totally see that you are (in the eyes of normal people) overreacting to a situation and yet cant calm down in any way shape or form.

You hear someone say 'but you were fine a minute ago' and just die inside because you've tried to explain it so many times and if they still dont understand you have no new way to say it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Newly diagnosed with BPD, amongst many other things :(

You know you're borderline when:

You decide to "test" people so you de-activate your facebook account to see who notices you're gone. As the hours and days pass, the longer someone takes to email you the "worse" they are (thought process = they are not friends, I can't rely on them). Anyone who doesn't contact you is immediately villified and blacklisted. You start to feel lonely and empty, feelings of abandonment creep in. You realise you need to win back those friends, so re-activate your facebook account, make an excuse about computer difficulties and act like nothing ever happened. But somewhere deep in your mind you remember who never contacted you and watch them closely. If they interact with other people and seem to ignore you, you delete and block them. Later you think you over reacted and wonder what you were thinking. You chastise and blame yourself for not having any friends because your behaviour is so erratic. Over time you add more "friends"....

*Repeat cycle*

Hi Dandelioness, I have bpd and I've done this over and over too.

Girly

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

YKYBW you get thrown out of the psych ward while clearly suicidal and a threat to yourself because they don't have any beds for you. Instead they choose to house a bunch of elderly demented patients who are no harm to ANYONE and should belong in a NURSING HOME!!! Who cares about a 25 yr old who has their whole life ahead of them and can easily contribute to society if their D*** mental illnesses were treateD!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Where are you dear "borderliners" ? Anyone ?

My X Girlfriend of 8 years has BPD so, I would like to say: You know your GF is Borderline when...

She breaks up with me saying "its over forever" and were back together the next day and she says "I love you so much I will never leave you again, I promise! Then breaks up with me again the same day. She's back first thing in the morning crying saying Im sorry, take me back I can't live without you, I'll never leave you again, I promise! we repeated this cycle 3 times in a week.

I say to her "good morning" and she asks "did you really mean that-good morning or are you being sarcastic because I am having a bad morning? I try to explain No sweety, I just got up and said good morning and I hope you will have a good morning. She brutally attacks me saying "I know within myself you were making fun of me when you insulted me with "Good morning" and you did not mean it! Why must you always have such a dark opinion of me when I'm so kind to you? 1 and 1/2 hours later she is still raving then stops. Laughs with a good deep belly laugh and says "man we can sure be silly sometimes huh." I love you so much honey, let me make you a nice breakfast. She is instantly recovered from the anger and starts to sing happily as she cooks me breakfast talking about how sweet it is to have eachother to love. We are so blessed.

I put on my mechanics coveralls and say to her, sweetheart, I'm going out to the garage to fix your car now! She attacks me with a 2 hour arguement over nothing. Then we are both exhausted from arguing and can't go on. We look at each other and say "what was it we were arguing about again, I can't remember? We both shrug our shoulders and say I don't remember what we argued for. Im too exhausted to work on her car in the hot garage and go take a nap. Later that day shes mad because I said I would fix her car in the morning and did not do it. I remind her that she picked a fight with me and just would not let me go out into the garage. She replies "OH SO IT'S ALL MY FAULT NOW! She rants for 2 hours and were so tired we just go to bed and sleep.

Broken car in the garage.

I don't know if Im crazy, but I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, I still do. She ran off with a man who looks exactly like me but he's 20 years younger than her and he's married with 2 kids. She is his mistress and happy.

I am afraid for her though. Her married lovers wife has not found out about her yet. The wife is very jealous, hot tempered and owns a firearm.

I fear my x will not die of old age.

Don

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I thought i was alone with all of the things.

-I argue with people even if i know im wrong i continue arguing with people.

-one minute i want hugs and attention and the next im getting angry because i dont want to be near anyone anymore.

-I abandoned my family before they could give up on me.

-im laughing and on a "hypomanic" type episode one minute, then i get exhausted and want everyone to go away.

-I dont release my frustrations and i end up screaming at the wrong person for something another person did.

-I cant sleep for hours on end when i get into bed (although i have found that crying seems to do the job or give me a headache)

-I dont want to work and when i did have a job, i hid in the changerooms of my shop because i didnt want to deal with people.

-i quite my job and lost my home.

-i'm 20years old and been through over 15relationships because i couldnt stand the guys i was with (or was it that i couldnt stand the fact that they couldnt stand me)

-I feel as if medication wont save me even on the highest doses.

-I THINK THE WORST ONE BY FAR- is having to speak to several different doctors and specialist allllll the friggen time. I dont want to repeat my life story 10000000000000times, i just want help without my doctor taking holidays and making me put up with someone else who doesnt know sh!t.

-I feel as if im constantly being jugded by my therapist and have a ffeeling that everyone thinks im annoying.

- I find it hard to make new friends because there's no point in investing time on someone im just going to ignore in the future.

-i have horrible reoccurring thoughts that will never p!ss off esp when im trying to sleep.

-i flip it at very small issues.\

-I eat too much junk food and have no motivation to exercise.

-My therapist tells me meditation, healthy eating and exercise keep the mind at ease.....pfffttt they shouldnt tell me to do that when i need severe motivation to get out of bed some days.

-Im nice to people's faces and when they arnt around i curse at them under my breath because i take everything they say as offensive and label them evil.

-I have no time for animals, work, education or anything productive unless its driving to get junk food.

-I have random horrible thoughts whilst im driving and decide to automatically speed.

- i sigh alot and take very deep breaths for no reason.

-I get angry, depressed, apathetic and happy for no reason.

Ive got more but i think ill stop lol

Edited by Sarahks

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi there FlyingDream and Sarahks, welcome to DF, it is good to have you here with us.

Flyingdream I'm sorry to hear that your relationship was so stormy and that it ended. Often people with bpd struggle with relationships.

(((((Sarahks))))) it sounds as though you are really finding things tough right now. I do agree with your therapist about meditation helping. You can download some good meditations from YouTube.

Girly

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello there FlyingDream and Sarahks, welcome to DF =) (Hey Girly! How are you?)

(allow me to repeat one of my dearest "you know..." thought)

*You know you're borderline when you start believing in reincarnation out of desperation and in a hope of another chance, another life...

You know you're borderline when you think that failure is all what you got and what you achieved, yet you keep "convincing" yourself that this is all because of "depression"

You know you're borderline when you keep visiting Google over and over searching and looking for answers you may already know, just for the sake of some unexplained "relief"

r90

Edited by r90

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You know your borderline when you ignore your phone but you dont turn it off because you want to see who cares enough to call or msg to see if you're ok.

Hey Girly and R90 :)

Thankyou for the heart felt welcomes, i am very glad that there is alot of support from people i dont even know :)

Things are quite tough right now and when everyone mentioned meditation to me i kind of blew it off thinking that it wouldnt work nor help me (because after all, your thoughts can only go away for so long)

Although i am now willing to try it because normally the only people who mention meditation havent actually got bpd or any disorder, but now that i have heard it from someone who may share some similar feelings, i am now more willing to try it.

The only thing i am feeling quite low about at this point in time is the mental images conguring in my head everyday and the fact that i cant control my emotions enough to stick at study or holding a job =/ i dont know if there are any tips for that.

P.S. every comment you have written on this topic board describes me, its nice to know we're all not alone in this. But it is sad to know that so many people suffer from disorders that they never asked for :(

XxX Sarah

Edited by Sarahks

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You know your borderline when you ignore your phone but you dont turn it off because you want to see who cares enough to call or msg to see if you're ok.

Hey Girly and R90 :)

Thankyou for the heart felt welcomes, i am very glad that there is alot of support from people i dont even know :)

Things are quite tough right now and when everyone mentioned meditation to me i kind of blew it off thinking that it wouldnt work nor help me (because after all, your thoughts can only go away for so long)

Although i am now willing to try it because normally the only people who mention meditation havent actually got bpd or any disorder, but now that i have heard it from someone who may share some similar feelings, i am now more willing to try it.

The only thing i am feeling quite low about at this point in time is the mental images conguring in my head everyday and the fact that i cant control my emotions enough to stick at study or holding a job =/ i dont know if there are any tips for that.

P.S. every comment you have written on this topic board describes me, its nice to know we're all not alone in this. But it is sad to know that so many people suffer from disorders that they never asked for :(

XxX Sarah

Hey again Sarah,

We don't have to "suffer in silence", bottom line is: we suffer from a certain mental disorder, now if we keep searching for the causes, the consequences would become more and more overwhelming, so keep looking forward for treatment and self-enlightenment!

Whenever you feel an annoying image or vision approaching, try to get yourself busy in any activity you like, and whenever you're down, feel free to post in here, you don't have to suffer alone! Talking does help! (As I always say)

r90

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You spend half the day thinking 'you just dont understand!!' when people question you over things, and not in a diva dramatic way, in a completely honest they dont understand way.

You can totally see that you are (in the eyes of normal people) overreacting to a situation and yet cant calm down in any way shape or form.

You hear someone say 'but you were fine a minute ago' and just die inside because you've tried to explain it so many times and if they still dont understand you have no new way to say it.

That is exactly how I live my life, haha thank you. My boyfriend gets so fed up with my need for immediate gratification, I can't ever wait until morning to resolve something. To him, I'm being childish, and I can completely understand how it seems absolutely absurd, but I really feel like the world is ending every time, and I NEED to fix things NOW. And the list goes on... I'm always getting the "You were JUST fine! Everything was going so well!" Very frustrating. I've been thinking borderline since I was like, 14, if I ever really go to therapy hopefully they can sort things out and decide what they think is going on with me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey again Sarah,

We don't have to "suffer in silence", bottom line is: we suffer from a certain mental disorder, now if we keep searching for the causes, the consequences would become more and more overwhelming, so keep looking forward for treatment and self-enlightenment!

Whenever you feel an annoying image or vision approaching, try to get yourself busy in any activity you like, and whenever you're down, feel free to post in here, you don't have to suffer alone! Talking does help! (As I always say)

r90

Thanks R90,

At the moment, help is so hard to get, i wait in the emergency section of the hospital for hours and never get called, then i get told i have to wait over two months to even have an interveiw to see if i will qaulify for DBT and if anything happens in the meantime, theres nothing on offer but the emergency department -.- ive recently told the hospital i have started hallucinating and that my mood swings have become worse but apparently that is all apart of "severe BPD" .....Shouldnt severe mean that i get seen to much quicker? i just find it a bit frustrating that the wait for help is such a muck-around and takes way too long. I reckon the fatality rate for people seeking mental help and the fatality for peoplr not seeking help is exactly the same because the government isnt as concerned as they should be, but hey, what can we all do but be overly patient (im not very good at that)

Although i have started reading spiritual books, there is a massive difference between helping yourself plus being surrouned by people who want to help or have been throught the same thing that are willing to teach you how to be mindful , and reading it from a book expecting to do it all on your own.

How do we survive in this life without proper help being availible to us?

I hope everone had a good day today :)

XxX Sarah

Edited by Sarahks

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks R90,

At the moment, help is so hard to get, i wait in the emergency section of the hospital for hours and never get called, then i get told i have to wait over two months to even have an interveiw to see if i will qaulify for DBT and if anything happens in the meantime, theres nothing on offer but the emergency department -.- ive recently told the hospital i have started hallucinating and that my mood swings have become worse but apparently that is all apart of "severe BPD" .....Shouldnt severe mean that i get seen to much quicker? i just find it a bit frustrating that the wait for help is such a muck-around and takes way too long. I reckon the fatality rate for people seeking mental help and the fatality for peoplr not seeking help is exactly the same because the government isnt as concerned as they should be, but hey, what can we all do but be overly patient (im not very good at that)

Although i have started reading spiritual books, there is a massive difference between helping yourself plus being surrouned by people who want to help or have been throught the same thing that are willing to teach you how to be mindful , and reading it from a book expecting to do it all on your own.

How do we survive in this life without proper help being availible to us?

I hope everone had a good day today :)

XxX Sarah

Hey again,

I'm sorry Sarah to hear so, to hear that you are not able to get a proper care as soon as possible, now I don't really know about the health and mental system in your country, but let me say this: of course, if you are severely ill, there's "no way on earth" can treats you other than under a proper and professional care of a mental health professional or doctors but what I wanna really focus at is that you can, in the meantime, learn some relaxation and self-care techniques that may (or may not) temporarily ease the pain and the anxiety until you get to see a doctor or a psychotherapist for DBT!

May I share a bit of my story? I've been suffering for like 4 years now, I mainly suffer from BPD, dysthymia and OCD, I live in Lebanon, which is a very weak country in terms of mental health awareness and even social recognition of mental disorders, I've secretly tried to see a "neurologist" (just a note, psychiatrists are extremely rare in my country, and they are, if found, absolutely expensive, so can't naturally afford them), the meds didn't help me or I couldn't keep trying meds for months till they work because after all, I also can't afford buying them on my own (and not to mention, SECRETLY taking them!) So I am learning how to cope without any kind of treatment, yes it's hard, frustrating and difficult, what sometimes keeps me on my feet is me graduating this semester and finally leaving... (thanks to the return of a partial motivation)

For people who have the opportunity to get properly treated, GO for it in any possible way!

r90

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...