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r90

You Know You'Re Borderline When...

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YKYBW you have a HUGE case of abandonment issues. When at the end of EVERY conversation, the thought of being abandoned comes up.

A couple entries from my journals:

Fear of Abandonment: a couple days ago, i found a website of people that have a forum setup to talk about issues and offer each other support. Ever since my very first post on the forum, all i can think about is "Are they going to reject me?" and "Are they going to abandon me?". Realistically, everything is fine. Some people have read my posts. A few have replied to them. Why is my mind going around in circles about this? I'm thinking to myself "i should post more things to build some relationships" and at the same time i think "i shouldn't post so much because the more people know me, the closer i get to them abandoning me". Damned if i do and damned if i don't. And i feel that no matter which path i take, it won't work out anyways. And yet i keep putting myself in situations to try to make friends. This circle is pretty much how all my relationships go.

Maybe i don't know where that line is and i'm always afraid of crossing it? The more i talk, the higher the chance i cross it. Maybe i don't know good ways to develop relationships?

I hate getting this desire to be connected to someone. To love someone. To have someone love me back. All it does is lead to anger, disappointment, worthlessness, helplessness, jealousy, lonely, frustrated, withdrawn, abandoned, lost, despair, rejection, bitterness, hate, resentment, vulnerable, unworthy, and depression. I usually sit in depression for a while until i go hurt myself.

I now see why i listen to love songs when i'm in a pit of despair and depression. Because they make me feel the same way as the desire does.

Maybe i assumed wrong. Maybe that is what love is about. If that is the case, then why do people hold it in such regard?

Referring to my therapist:

When you said "wow" when you read last weeks journaling, and then asked me about the therapy question, it instantly felt like you were going to give up on me. Like you were extremely offended. Were you? Or was this another "reading too much into it" situation?

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You are madly in love with your bf (Want to marry him now and have his babies) He really is the best thing ever! What is he doing with me anyway? He could do so much better?!

The next day you do not feel anything and find it hard to be in the same room as him, what am I doing with him anyway? I can do so much better!

Then the next day......You are madly in love with your bf, he really is the best thing ever! What is he doing with me anyway? He could do so much better?!

Over and over and over again!

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When you relate to 90% of the situations other people with BPD have expressed... But when you find yourself disagreeing with that 10%, you think to yourself, "What if I don't have BPD?" even though you've already been diagnosed.

When you just inherently know that you're going to edit just about every post you make in a forum.

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You know you're borderline when...

After watching TV or movies, you need to remind yourself of what's real and what is not.

OMG I do this with books!!!! I will even come up with sequels (in my head) cause I didnt want the story to end!!!!

When you relate to 90% of the situations other people with BPD have expressed..

You think you may have BPD when

Your laughing out loud cause you can relate to over 90% of what people posted and saying Oh Hell No at the same time.

I have a half sister that is BPD/DID she has different names she goes by, she will actually talk about herself in 3rd person.

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I was just recently diagnosed with this, in addition to my long-standing MDD and anxiety-city (that's the scientific term), so please forgive me if I've not got it quite right yet. I'm new to having this one in my alphabet soup.

What if you read all of the posts and become exponentially more annoyed that each one of them is more relatable than the last, and suddenly think that this isn't a real diagnosis at all

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I was just recently diagnosed with this, in addition to my long-standing MDD and anxiety-city (that's the scientific term), so please forgive me if I've not got it quite right yet. I'm new to having this one in my alphabet soup.

What if you read all of the posts and become exponentially more annoyed that each one of them is more relatable than the last, and suddenly think that this isn't a real diagnosis at all

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Hey r90!

Thanks for your welcome and information. I was VERY resistant (ha) to having this diagnosis added; evidently, I have major depressive disorder (with agoraphobia) with comorbid borderline personality disorder, panic disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. I told my current shrink—who is brilliant and beyond trustworthy—that he must be wrong, as I've been in treatment (without success, and labeled "atypical") for years, and left very shaken. After spending a month at McLean Hospital and being handed the same diagnoses by every doctor...well, it took a while, but I've accepted it. In truth, it does make a lot of sense, and might even be the reason no one has been able to help me out of MDD, through I've been riding SSRI and Co. Train for almost 15 years. An MAOI (Emsam) finally worked, but was all too quick to quit on me. Right now, I'm looking at starting Parnate in just three days (hooray to be done with washing out!) and possibly augmenting it with Lamictal if essential. I'm already on 1mg Klonopin daily. What I find most helpful though—and kind of an amazing breakthrough for me—is DBT. I'd never engaged in it until I was hospitalized, and that changed my perception greatly, and made me feel as if I do have a chance at getting even a little better' making this more manageable. I am continuing in an IOP, and then with an independent and group therapy session weekly. It's sort of life-changing, really. (And come on Parnate!)

Thanks for your kindness. It is indeed serious, but once I accepted it, something sort of clicked with regard to treatment and....a future.

I'll talk to you soon. I am wondering if folks have anything suggestions on how to best deal with this diagnosis (or the whole shebang: MDD w/ BPD, if you've got it). Perhaps another thread!

Sincerely,

Liliah

Edited by Liliah

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You tell people you hardly know things you really shouldnt do because you feel like you've known them forever and you'll be best friends until the end of time

You constantly think you've annoyed someone or done something to upset them, you say sorry, you ok, and how are you *all* the time

I can totally relate to these two!

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You spend half the day thinking 'you just dont understand!!' when people question you over things, and not in a diva dramatic way, in a completely honest they dont understand way.

You can totally see that you are (in the eyes of normal people) overreacting to a situation and yet cant calm down in any way shape or form.

You hear someone say 'but you were fine a minute ago' and just die inside because you've tried to explain it so many times and if they still dont understand you have no new way to say it.

OMG I had to laugh out loud over the second one. I do that. Something so minor can upset me so much and I have to rant and rage about it until there is nothing left to rant and rage about. I basically run out of things to say or think. Sometimes I just keep on repeating the same crap over and over again until I get sick of it myself and finally can let go. And then I think.... what the hell? Anybody can relate to that?

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Ok, wait.... does this count?

You know your borderline when.....

You have made a new friend, things are going nice and fun... your getting closer, and go shopping, and do fun things together, get your hair done together and such.. but then you get scared (of what I dunno) things are going to well, your just too too happy, so you just turn your phone off, back up... hide from your new friend, do not respond to her emails, or calls.... you just 'leave' the friendship for no reason...... (yes this is me) and I hate it!!!

-me

i do that allot it takes me a long time to get to know people enough to trust to be around them

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haha thanks for posting this! wow i can relate to almost every single one of these...

YKYBW

you flip out at someone- for doing nothing wrong (like taking too long to look up a phone number, or putting the something back in the wrong spot and it took you and extra 2 min to find it) and make them feel horrible and then five minutes after venting you expect everything to be fine- like nothing happened, because your fine now. i dont know how many times ive heard "wow you rebound very fast- i just cant get over things quite as quickly" and then i feel rejected and im mad again...

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You know you're borderline when...

You don't know why, but you have to compulsively make up stories so someone doesn't lose interest in you. You just want them to stay, and you'll say anything, so long as they don't leave you alone.

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This sounds just like my husband but i cant get him to see it for himself!! any idea;s on how to get someone to see that they might have a problem and really try to get some help? He is on Zoloft right now but I really dont think its working because he is so random with his thoughts and ideas, especially about our life together (25 years) he thinks it was all bad when just a couple of months ago he was so happy and loved his life. And the planning I totally understand I do not really plan anything with him because what is said in the morning is not the mood in the afternoon. He likes to lay in bed and watch movies most of the time the same ones over and over again.

You cant plan anything because you know that you dont know if you'll be in the mood by then

This actually happened to me this week!

I had planned to go to a house party and paint balling and am currently not answering calls and emails to confirm if I'm going because I don't feel like it, despite being desperately excited a few days ago.

YKYBW if someone accuses you of something you didn't do, you fly completely off the handle into a fit of anger and (occasionally) violence.

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You know you're borderline when...

After watching TV or movies, you need to remind yourself of what's real and what is not.

I can completely relate to this...My boyfriend doesn't understand why I can't watch horror movies without having a panic attack...it's because I think WAY too much about it and put myself in the sufferer's shoes.

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You know you're borderline when...

You will do or say anything to keep your boyfriend from break up with you. You find yourself saying things like "If we break up, I will have to **** myself." Or you do whatever it takes to please him sexually even though you don't want to, just so he is happy.

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This sounds just like my husband but i cant get him to see it for himself!! any idea;s on how to get someone to see that they might have a problem and really try to get some help? He is on Zoloft right now but I really dont think its working because he is so random with his thoughts and ideas, especially about our life together (25 years) he thinks it was all bad when just a couple of months ago he was so happy and loved his life. And the planning I totally understand I do not really plan anything with him because what is said in the morning is not the mood in the afternoon. He likes to lay in bed and watch movies most of the time the same ones over and over again.

You cant plan anything because you know that you dont know if you'll be in the mood by then

This actually happened to me this week!

I had planned to go to a house party and paint balling and am currently not answering calls and emails to confirm if I'm going because I don't feel like it, despite being desperately excited a few days ago.

YKYBW if someone accuses you of something you didn't do, you fly completely off the handle into a fit of anger and (occasionally) violence.

Did this just start or has that been like that for the past 25 years?

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...when you try to punish someone who's been there for you because they weren't there one time...then feel ridiculously guilty.

...when you think you're absolutely head over heels for someone, but the moment they reciprocate the feeling and want to be around you, you feel suffocated and can't stand to be around them. Then, after you dump them, you miss them and want them to come back.

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