Remember - It's Depression

[budfox]

I was going to write this post as a journal entry to myself as I'm feeling very low and panicky at the moment. However on the off-chance that it might be of benefit to some of the good, nay great, folks on DF I thought I might as well post it here.

I read a lot of the posts on this forum and one very common feature of what people are going through is the fear and panic they feel at what is happening to them. Browse through the posts and you will see a lot of, 'I don't know what's happening', 'Something is not right', 'I'm losing my mind', etc. I've made similar statements in some of my previous posts on this very forum in the past.

Even though I've suffered from depression for more than 10 years I am still freaking out at how bad I'm feeling right now. Surely by now I should be an expert at managing this? I have had enough experience after all.

So, this is what I'm trying to tell myself (and for what it's worth I know this to be totally true, it's just that depression sometimes casts a dark fog over our thinking):

For all the terrible symptoms it produces we are all suffering from the SAME basic condition. Of course depression and anxiety affect us uniquely, such is the nature of a disease of the most amazing and complex system known to man, the human brain. However, even though we probably all feel like we are going through something totally personal to us, and I don't deny that in a sense we are, essentially we're all suffering from the same underlying illness, caused by abnormal changes in our brain neurochemistry.

The reason none of us can just 'snap out' of depression is that it's an absolutely real illness. Stop thinking of the symptoms you are experiencing as being a manifest reflection of something that is deeply wrong with you. You're just ill. In the future they will be able to precisely elucidate the neurochemical changes that are going on within the brain. For now, they have kind of a rough idea of what's going on but not much more than that.

Some days I wake up and can hardly get out of bed. I mean that quite literally. I feel numb to everything, no energy, utter hopelessness for the future and no interest in anybody or anything. Then a day later I can wake up and feel totally normal. Nothing in my life circumstances has changed from the bad day to the good day, it just so happens that for some reason that is inexplicable to me on the first day my neurochemistry is screwed up and on the second day it is within normal ranges.

So whatever weird, horrifying, disturbing symptoms you are suffering from please try to remember that you're just ill. If it was an illness of the body you would feel pain or you would have difficulty walking or impaired vision. However, because illnesses like diabetes, arthritis, etc affect organs other than the brain the symptoms they produce, while they can of course be very serious, are still more uniform and less confounding than an illness which affects the brain, an organ many many times more complex than anything else in these bodies of ours.

If you feel totally down or anxious when reading this then just accept that there is little that you can do about the way you feel right now to feel instantly better, although of course things like exercise and certain fast acting medications can help greatly. But also know that your brain chemistry is in flux and you are not going to carry on feeling like this forever. There's no point trying to analyse the way you feel or trying to think the way out of your depression, anymore than it would make sense to try and think your way out of diabetes. The depression or anxiety is there, it is making you feel so bad and when it goes you will feel better. I realise that we might all have developed depression for different reasons but I doubt there is one person on this forum that can say that his or her life circumstances are absolutely unique and that the life he or she has gone through is worse than that experienced by many of the millions of people who go through terrible things but don't ever develop depression.

Accept that the depression or anxiety is there for now, stop thinking about it and learn to function as best you can even with the worst depression or anxiety that you have ever felt. And take hope in the knowledge that this will get better.

Many posters are also blaming themselves for something that is not in the least their fault and saying things like 'I feel like a loser', 'I don't feel worthy', etc, etc. I say to you 'Nonsense!!!' You are just ill. In fact you are more worthy than most because you're dealing with a horrible illness and still managing to keep going. Most of you deserve medals, I tell you that. You're soldiers. Yet because our society is so nasty and backwards, we are still expected to function as well as people who don't have depression at all. When I think about how I am, I mean how functional I am on a good day as compared to a bad day, the gulf between the two is massive. The bad day Bud cannot possibly hope to compete with the good day Bud. It's like trying to be in a fight with someone with one hand tied behind your back. So be realistic and don't be too hard on yourselves. When you're down then do what you can but don't expect too much. Be gentle. As for what everyone in your company or your social circle thinks, to hell with them. They're not experiencing this and you are. Human beings like to go around feeling superior to others and judgmental, especially in modern workplaces. Their lack of sympathy, empathy or understanding is a sad reflection on them, not on you. I tell you you are all wonderful people and it pains me to see you suffer. Well maybe right at the moment you can't help the suffering but you can avoid compounding it.

Let's support each other through this and take the view that we are in it together. Know that if you post here you'll get a reply, so however incapable of understanding people in your lives might be, you'll always have this forum to come to. I don't know about you but I at least find great solace in that.

Thanks for listening.

B

Edited July 4, 2010 by budfox

[dw45]

I find that very inspirational!!!

[budfox]

Thanks dw45, was worried I was rambling on a bit there! It's just that I do believe in this message very strongly. It's horrible to see kind, empathic and sensitive people go through so much pain but it's almost worse to see people blaming themselves for it or feeling like something utterly bizarre and horrible is happening to them when in fact it's just boring old depression.

[joanie71]

Thanks for that Bud! Everything you said is right on. We DO need to stop beating ourselves up - we ARE soldiers because this illness has the potential to be as life threatening as ANY "physical" disease yet WE ARE STILL HERE!!!

We keep fighting the good fight, right? That is something to be very proud of!

Thanks again for posting this!! I'm going to email it to a good friend who is struggling with guilty feelings over her depression and anxiety.

[budfox]

Joanie,

Thanks very much for your kind words.

I do feel a genuine solidarity with the people on this forum. While we might not know each other IRL we are all bound by this terrible disease and that means that in some ways we understand each other better than our closest friends or family.

B

[henrithecat]

Thanks so much for this. It was really just what I needed to read at this particular moment.

I had a terrible day today and started telling myself, "you just need to suck it up. Stop acting like a loser. You're so weak." It's that sort of thinking that keeps me from getting better, and I need to start putting myself first.

So anyway, thank you. This was really great to read. I hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us.

[budfox]

Henri,

I'm really glad that this post helped, even if only a tiny bit.

It's taken me years to realise the truth of my post. I remember when I had my first (and worst) episode of depression. It was during exams and I was in a terrible, terrible way. What made it even worse was looking at the smiling faces around me and just thinking I was the biggest loser freak to be feeling so utterly despondent and hopeless. How could they cope with the same stress so easily, while I was so destroyed?

Since that time I have found out that many people I have looked up to as being able to cope with anything have actually gone through periods of serious depression themselves. I admire them all the more for it.

For someone who is really depressed or anxious just getting through the day is a massive achievement. Anything we do on top of it should make us really proud of ourselves. That is not to say that I think we should set the bar low. I think people with depression and anxiety are capable of doing remarkable things - all you need to do is to look at the list of famous depression and anxiety sufferers to see that. However there will be periods, sometimes long periods when we're not capable of all that much.

I do think that acceptance of depression, which means recognising that we are sick and therefore less able to operate (be it in a social, work or relationship context), is part of the cure.

I have enormous respect for everyone that posts on this forum because I can see how tough it is to live the lives we are living. Hopefully those lives will return to normal quickly but I know that for some people, myself included, depression is chronic and so we have to learn to live with it, while still taking appropriate steps to vanquish it.

The irony is that a lot of the people out there who truly are worthless probably never even feel worthless for one minute!! There really are some bad human beings out there, wanton in their greed and selfishness. But, not getting a college degree because the depression made it impossible does not make you worthless. Having to go off sick from or quit a job because the anxiety was too much to cope with in a stressful work environment does not make you worthless. Finding it difficult to sustain a loving relationship because every interaction with your partner is coloured by your depression does not make you worthless. Being unable to form or maintain friendships or have confidence with people you're attracted to does not make you worthless.

None of these things make you worthless. In my view the only thing that makes someone worthless is intentionally inflicting emotional or physical pain on another human being, or in my opinion animal, and never stopping to think twice about it until the day you die.

You know that old saying, 'If you think you might be crazy you're probably not?'. Well I think it would be equally true to say 'If you think you might be worthless you're most likely not'. The fact that you are questioning you're own worth means that you're trying and sometimes failing and having to go through hell. That in itself shows enormous worth and spirt. Take pride in it.

[joanie71]

None of these things make you worthless. In my view the only thing that makes someone worthless is intentionally inflicting emotional or physical pain on another human being, or in my opinion animal, and never stopping to think twice about it until the day you die.

You know that old saying, 'If you think you might be crazy you're probably not?'. Well I think it would be equally true to say 'If you think you might be worthless you're most likely not'. The fact that you are questioning you're own worth means that you're trying and sometimes failing and having to go through hell. That in itself shows enormous worth and spirt. Take pride in it.

I completely agree! I always tell myself that if I can make it to the end without ever intentionally causing harm then I will have lived a good and decent life.

Bud, you have such an amazing way with words - I really enjoy reading your posts - so well written! Are you a writer?

I agree that it is MUCH easier to talk with someone here than my friends or family. I honestly believe that depression cannot truly be understood unless personally experienced.

[budfox]

Joanie,

You just made my day

Sadly the only writing I do is drafting tedious legal documents. I really need to think about a change of job.

Is Joanie your real name? Of course you don't have to say. I really like the name, and seeing your username makes me think of the songs 'Joanni' by Kate Bush (who I adore) and 'Hey Joni' by Sonic Youth. Both great tracks.

For me this forum is probably as important as therapy in the treatment of my depression. I'm really impressed that people who are suffering themselves can still take the time to give good and very positive advice to others.

B

[joanie71]

Joanie,

You just made my day

Sadly the only writing I do is drafting tedious legal documents. I really need to think about a change of job.

Is Joanie your real name? Of course you don't have to say. I really like the name, and seeing your username makes me think of the songs 'Joanni' by Kate Bush (who I adore) and 'Hey Joni' by Sonic Youth. Both great tracks.

For me this forum is probably as important as therapy in the treatment of my depression. I'm really impressed that people who are suffering themselves can still take the time to give good and very positive advice to others.

B

You should continue writing - you are very articulate without being dull which isn't easy

I get the tedious legal document thing - I have worked for a few law firms and I can attest to how uninteresting it can be !!

No, Joanie isn't my real name - I do like Kate Bush and Sonic Youth but the name comes from Joan Jett (I have a little girl crush on her - shhhh, don't tell anyone!)

The forums have really helped me too - they really help me feel less alone. And yes, it is AMAZING how kind people here are despite their own troubles.

[budfox]

I love Joan Jett!!!

Sincerely, thank you for the compliments re my writing. I meant it when I said you made my day (actually probably more like my week or month!).

Joanie I hope you don't mind but I looked up a couple of your posts. It seems things have been very bad for you lately. Has the situation improved at all?

Edited July 4, 2010 by budfox

[Trace]

Hi Budfox

Thank you so much for posting this. It is beautifully written, incredibly helpful and inspirational.

Trace

[budfox]

Trace,

Thank you for your very kind words and also thanks for the work you do on this forum. It really is very much appreciated.

B

[gentle sun]

Good thing to remember, Budfox!!! Thanks for reminding us!!!

One theory out there is that it is a "chemical imbalance" and another one is that we are "negative thinkers".

The negative thinker theory makes one feel it is their fault.

I know there is always that little voice in my head saying "stop thinking that way and you wont feel depressed, dummy!!"

gs

[mosaicartist]

I absolutely agree with everything posted above! I don't even feel like I'm going through a real low time right now, but that that was wonderful to read! I think I will even print it out and put it in my day planner to carry around with me. It's something that I could definitely read and use when I am at my low points. It's also inspiring to me because I've been wanting to start a blog on here, but I've been reluctant to because I hate writing. I am absolutely terrible at beating myself up. But I think that writing could be another useful tool for me. You have to write more about these topics, please! I would love to read more, and I'm sure I'll keep re-reading this one post. Thank you so much!

[Forum Admin]

Thank you for posting and writing this tremendous inspirational message to our members, Bud.

Depression is a serious illness and something we all fight daily in our lives.

Your topic is acknowledging how our members here at DF are all in this together, not by choice, but helping one another and reminding them that they are not alone!

I am so very proud of our supportive members here at The Depression Forums! Our members need to absorb this and for me, you are empowering members of DF to stand up and fight the stigma of Mental Illness. Realizing that depression can be overcome with support and information!

I will be pinning this topic, so as not to get lost in the shuffle.

You are so special in my book! Please take very good care of you,

~Lindsay

[gentle sun]

I totally agree with everything Lindsay just said. I too am going to print out your posts and keep them handy. When I am so down and so down on myself for being that way, I will read your words. They have already lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders during a time when I could barely stand up straight as it was. You are a big asset to this forum. I hope you stick around!!! The very best wishes to you, Budfox!!!!

gentle sun

[Gussie]

Thanks Bud.

[kaitlyn_b]

Thank you so much for this post bud!!!! You are so right!!

[joanie71]

Hi Bud,

Sorry it took me so long to reply - I have been kind of hiding from everything the last few days!

Things have improved somewhat. My depression is a little better than before. I have decided that I have to start working again so my goal starting Sunday is to look for a new job - doesn't matter where just as long as I am out in the world and making some money again. I really need to get my independence back and getting a job is the first step to that.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my posts - I appreciate your concern!

How are YOU doing? I hope you are ok?

Oh - and it's so cool you like Joan Jett!!! I just think her music is really fun and I think it's amazing that she is still playing shows at 50! I guess I also am intrigued by her confidence and toughness - 2 things I am lacking! LOL

[rickg]

Great post but it makes me wonder in some ways...

If you have a physical disability you don't go feeling like the victim and blaming the world that they don't understand you. You DO HAVE to suck it up and become a better more functional person.

Isn

[joanie71]

Great post but it makes me wonder in some ways...

If you have a physical disability you don't go feeling like the victim and blaming the world that they don't understand you. You DO HAVE to suck it up and become a better more functional person.

Isn

Edited July 11, 2010 by joanie71

[take2]

I could not agree more with this:

None of these things make you worthless. In my view the only thing that makes someone worthless is intentionally inflicting emotional or physical pain on another human being, or in my opinion animal, and never stopping to think twice about it until the day you die.

Having recently run into someone who feels no remorse, and him not being the first one I've ever known, I agree that the only worthless person is someone who cannot feel or at least try to feel another's pain. And as for anyone who intentionally inflicts pain, or takes joy in someone else's pain, that is worthlessness defined. I recently saw a man take joy in the pain of another (granted, that person had hurt him) and I was chilled to the bone. I have wished pain on someone who hurt me before, never again after seeing that. I am too humane and I don't mean it when I say it -- this person actually meant it. Scary.

Your original post made me cry, not in sadness, but in the tears we shed when we recognize truth, and even more importantly, share that truth with others.

What you said about the "bad-day" Bud and the "good-day" Bud -- I so identify. How different the "real" me is from the depressed me. The hard part is, being so long depressed, it's easy to forget who the real person is. As you say, that is what depression is, it lies to us and makes us forget the truth of who we really are, how incredibly valuable, strong and brave we all are.

thanks...

Edited July 14, 2010 by take2

[tanman]

Hey Bud-

Great words of comfort, thanks, it helped me a lot to read them. I especially like these lines, and have decided to keep them in a place where I can see them often:

"Accept that the depression or anxiety is there for now, stop thinking about it and learn to function as best you can even with the worst depression or anxiety that you have ever felt. And take hope in the knowledge that this will get better."

Yes! Nothing lasts forever in this life - not even depression. Keep remembering, even in the darkest moments: This too shall pass.

[Violet31]

Hi Budfox,

Thanks for this wonderful post. I think your theory is spot on.

It