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Lui

Ruined A Good Thing And Now He Thinks I'm Nuts...

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I was seeing a guy earlier in the year but he moved away, part because of issues with his job and where he was living and part because its a small town and everyone gossis and he has no privacy and my sister didnt help the matter by snooping and finding out info from his ex wife to relay to me.

We didn't speak for 4 months because he was sorting his life out, though i had tried early into the move. 4 months later i sent him a message to say hello and he invited me to come visit him, and things by text and phone call got very flirty and sweet. When i got down there to visit him he was wonderful, he was romantic and we got on great and we slept together again. He told me he never wanted to leave me and missed me like mad and invited me to a family gathering 2 weeks later and suggested i visit him more. It was wonderful. But then thigns got weird, i felt he was being off with me and im sure he was as i was trying to be as relaxed as possible.

Thing is i suffer bad anxiety and mild depression and phobia of men and relationships due to years of being beaten and a child and from being raped in a relationship 2 years ago. I got very wary of him and amost decided he was lying or just using me when he had done everything to prove otherwise.

By the end of the 3 days with him i totally cracked, i tried subtly to ask if something was wrong and when he refused to reply i blew my lid and tried to explain myself and why i felt how i did and what was goin on with hima nd tried ringing him a few times as he wasnt answering my texts, this amounted to 4 rambling texts and four phone calls.

The next day, realising how i looked, i decided to confess to him my past of being raped and he told me i needed counselling because that 'tirade' of messages should never have happened and he wasnt in a position to deal with it, or to want to and it shouldnt have happened.

The conversation we had was heartbreaking. He started off almost angry that i never told him as it was such a big thing and that he should have known so he wouldnt have been so blown away by the messages and attitude and wouldnt have got horrendously drunk himself that night as he was 'so so gutted' as he put it 'cos we had such a lovely time and it was meant to be and end and carry on so wonderful'

He told me that as he has a lot going on in his life (his dad, step dad and mum are all either dying or illness or in serious condition) and could not be emotionally involved with me now, his love is spread far to thin with whats going on and he just cannot stretch it my way and just cannot be my emotional crutch and emotional punchbag right now, but insisted we were still friends, that he wasnt leaving my life and still wanted to support me through this while i get therapy, but he couldnt do it as somebody so emotionally involved right now.

I am absolutely gutted, i was soooooo happy being with him, i cannot believe how much i freaked out and made myself look mad, i never anted to just be friend with him and i feel so much shame in how i was and how he now views me i almost dont want the help i need, i just want to hide away in denial, though this keeps happening and ruins every relationship i go near and i get seriously low and depressed. I just dont know what to do or think at the moment. I am struggling to come to terms with thinking i messed something so strong up because of somebody elses actions.

He did say that i was a lovely cool girl and we do get on so well but i have a cloud over my head i need to get sorted and 'you never know what can happen in the future'. He repeated a couple of times that 'anythigng can happen in the future' aswell as 'whatever happens in the future' and repeated 'right now' after nearly everything he said by the end of the conversation, and that has given me a spark of hope that we can try again, or am i just reading too much into this? Please help?'

I am also terrified of getting therapy because i dont want to admit what happened and am terrified of the thought of all my emotions being broken down and played with, it will be brutal, and i dont know if i can deal with brutal.

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Hi and Welcome (((((((((Lui)))))))))))

I am so sorry that this has happened.

I think that it is great that he is still willing to stay friends and to be honest with you, it sounds like he really does like you and he also sounds mature, but he has got a lot of emotional turmoil at the moment with his family and that must be destroying him.

I know that you are scared of facing what therapy will bring you, but no matter how difficult it will be, it will enable you to address your trauma and put it behind you, so that you can build healthy relationships and be ok with yourself.

Trace

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Thank you Trace :shocked:

I know it is an incredibly tough time for him and i just feel so ashamed and upset that i have added to that when it was meant to be such a good thing for both of us. its heartbreaking. He is very mature, he is a lot older than me and has been through a lot and I know from how he is that it is an incredibly difficult thing for him to deal with and to stick by me is such an amzing thing and I am so thankful for that. I'm just scared he will always hold it against me and there will be no chance for us to try again once we are both through out troubles. We have such a great connection.

I know therapy will be a difficult thing but will be such a good thing in the long run, so thank you for your support, I just cannot wait to kick it off, I feel like i am sat 'in the wings' waiting for everything to happen and that waiting is making my mind fly around everywhere, I just want to get the past behind me and carry on with my life.

I am almost scared to talk to him now too, I so want to be there for him through what is going on in his life but i feel to talk to him would constantly remind him of the pain from last week and I don't want to push him away further by trying to be there, but I fon't want to run away from him because i still want him in my life. I know we both need time and space but I'm scared that will make him forget about me, though through the 4 months we didnt see each other just seemed to make us stronger, until i blew my top and destroyed it :wwww:

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and the thing is, he has already confessed to shutting off from me now, to shut off the feeling of emotional involvement he has with me and to view me as a friend, THAT has never happened before and that scares me.

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Hi Lui

I am not sure that he will hold it against you, it sounds like he is a very reasonable person and it also sounds like he cares about you immensely.

I think supporting him through what he is going through, would be a good idea, even if it is just a message to let him know that you are there for him, if he needs you.

Sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder and once you have both worked through your own personal turmoil's this could possibly bring you closer together.

Trace

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Thank you Trace :shocked:

I'm just going to keep things happy and casual, i'm not going to burden him with what is going on in my life, just talk like we always have and keep a good rappor.

Do you know how slow going therapy is, or if its all circumstantial. I'm just worried we are just goign to have little slow chats to start off and i'm just going to crack instantly and ruin it all!!

x

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Hi Lui

With therapy it is important to find a good therapist. It also is all up to you how fast therapy works.

You have a pretty good start as you know exactly what you need to overcome by going to therapy, you can make the therapist aware of your goals with regards to the therapy on the first visit.

It also depends on how often you see the therapist and how long it takes you to confront something.

What can help you to, is to do some homework yourself, even starting now.

Keeping a journal or writing a blog can help you let out many thoughts and help you come to realizations, this can help your therapy go a little quicker.

Trace

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Thank you xxxx

I'm working on turning my bedroom into a meditation room, a quiet and clutter free room where i can work out my thoughts and keep a diary, do art and music etc. It means my living room will be a bedsit but hey, i live only with my son so i can do it :)

xx

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