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gumpasteflower

God Is Punishing Me

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Just feeling so d*** low right now...am so tired. I go to bed at 10 or 11 p.m., then wake up at 4:30 a.m. I can't go back to sleep. Then I'm at work from 9 am to at least 7 pm. We get home at around 8:30 pm because of the hideous traffic in Manila. Then I go to bed at 10, with my hair still wet because my stupid ******* hairdryer doesn't work here and I haven't had the time or chance to go shopping for a new one, much less change my dollars into pesos.

Work distracts me for a bit, but then the obsessive thinking about my "ex" starts all over again. I hate him so much. Him, and the man who abused me.

So even though I should be happy that I'm back in a lab working (and I am) those constant, ugly thoughts are ruining my daily life.

No, I'm not looking for something to make me feel miserable. If I could just stop those thoughts from popping up, I would.

I also get so p***** off whenever I remember some members' posts telling me that I'm in control of my life...that I should be grateful that I still have all of my limbs or some other crap like that. **** them. That is such a cheap thing to say. I am not obligated to be grateful for anything...I wouldn't have told those people that even if they're depressed and suicidal, they should grateful that they're citizens of industrialized countries. I really wanted to do so at the time, but I'm not that much of an insensitive a******.

I really don't even know why I'm so angry about those posts now. Seriously...they're such inconsequential posts in an outpouring of support from other people. Sometimes I wonder if I'm turning into a freaking platitude and cliche machine, myself.

I'm just so angry right now, angry at things that happened months or years ago. I just cannot let go of all of this anger. I'm furious, I ******* hate people, I ******* hate this world, and don't ******* tell me to be grateful for what I have, because I will tell you to just **** yourself.

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Hi Violet, thanks again for your response. I think I'm just very, very, very tired and still feeling the effects of the past two years' events. I just need to recover.

I know I need to see a psychiatrist or a therapist, but I haven't had the time to look for one, much less actually go to an appointment. I don't think I'm going crazy, just extremely tired, and this exhaustion is coupled with my usual horrible PMS.

In any case- I'm still very angry. I just have to rant. Yesterday, we had to abandon our lab for an hour because one of the utility people decided that muriatic acid can also function as an insecticide. I had to do some samples all over again (am working with food) in case they were contaminated.

I don't understand why people don't think...my cousin told me, you have to understand that your educational level and thinking processes are higher than most people's here. You have to learn to explain very clearly, in very simple terms, what they have to do and can't do.

Although he has a very valid point, aren't some things just plain old common sense and don't require detailed explanations and directions? Or am I expecting too much?

Then when we returned home, I noticed that my family pictures had been shuffled out of order. I don't know what to do or say. I asked the maids if my nephew went up to my room, because I don't want to accuse anyone of snooping.

I'm ranting...I don't get it. I don't get the common Filipino mindset. I don't want to think that certain people have a certain place in society, but the way things are working out I can understand why the majority of Filipinos think that way. I don't want to be infected by this sort of thinking, but it seems like I already have been.

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I'm still tired and depressed. I thought the low feeling will go away after a good night's sleep, but it's very persistent.

It's as if my mind is desperately searching for some thought to obsess about, and now that (some of) my immigration problems are gone, it's decided to settle on obsessing about my "ex" permanently. I always put the word ex in quotes because well, even now, I still don't know what he was to me. I know that I was nothing to him, and I don't think I can ever forgive him for that as much I want to- it's been two years, after all, and I just want to move on. I want to tell him how much I hate him. He should have just left me alone. I've never done anything wrong to any man, and yet they've done nothing but wrong me.

At the same time, I'm worried that I'll never be in a normal, healthy relationship, because of the fact that I'm damaged goods.

The only thing I can do to combat those obsessive thoughts is to keep busy, but if I keep too busy I get too tired, and if I get too tired I get depressed, and over and over again.

I need to see a therapist, I need to get on meds, and yet I can't even do that right now. I have to budget, budget, budget. I'll be earning less than $200/month. I have school fees and tuition to worry about. Yes, I know that my relatives are more than willing to help me out, but I moved back here to become independent, not to become even more of a leech.

Anyway, thanks for your post, Violet. You have many, many valid points, it's just that I'm too tired and depressed to acknowledge them right now.

ETA: Just spoke with my mom. She might lose her job (she's a teacher) and is planning to return to the Philippines, too. I don't have a permanent job yet. I have graduate school coming up in 3 months, and I don't have any funding. I don't have a permanent place to stay. What do I do? I don't know how I'm going to support her.

Edited by gumpasteflower

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Hi Gumpasteflower,

It will take time to feel better. Things will probably be up and down until your life becomes more balanced. When people are going through hard times, they tend to magnify their flaws. Self-image is at a low point, but it will get better.

I think you have much love to give and you will have opportunities to prove that.

Could your relatives help you to take care of your mother, if and when she moves back to the Philippines?

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I'm back in the Philippines and I'm supposed to be moving on with my life. That includes trying to build relationships. While I want to have a relationship, I can't, I just CANNOT, have a relationship with a Filipino man. Every time I see Filipino men I feel like vomiting. I'm not even exaggerating. I find them so d*** ugly, with their fat faces, flabby bellies, and thin limbs. They all remind me of my abuser for some reason, when he probably didn't even look like them. I don't remember how my abuser looks like. I'm not sure if that's a mercy or not.

I don't have to stay here in the Philippines. I don't, I really don't, but knowing that I will have to leave the Philippines again before I can even think about starting a relationship adds to my stress and depression. And then there's always the memories of abuse which makes things a thousand times worse.

I know that I'm not physically vulnerable anymore. All I have to do is look around me to confirm that I'm no longer physically vulnerable- I'm taller than most Filipino men, and far more athletic even though I don't even work out as much as I used to. I am no longer physically vulnerable, I am no longer a neglected little girl who was easy prey for a ****ed up person, and yet repeating those two facts to myself do not stop the memories of abuse from flooding my head.

So what do I do now? I can't forget, I just can't. The abuse is still ruining my life, 20 years later. What do I do?

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I wish I can go to therapy here, but there aren't any decent therapists to be found. Most of the people here have this mindset that prayers will solve everything.

I also have this fear that even if I find a therapist here, they will on make things worse by gossiping about my case. Filipinos have a very, very different perception of what's professional or unprofessional, and it's very likely that will betray the doctor-patient confidentiality that other countries uphold. I'm fine discussing my past on this message board because of the anonymity, but if someone from work or school finds out about my past, they will use it to destroy me. And no, I am not being paranoid. The culture here really is that petty.

I really don't want to go around for the rest of my life feeling as if I'm damaged goods. I have been feeling that way for the past twenty years, but my "ex's" rejection pretty much intensified it. All I ever wanted was peace of mind and normalcy, and it seems like I will have a difficult time achieving those things.

For now, I'll keep working out. That's the only therapy that I can avail of right now. When school starts, I will enroll in more self-defense classes and maybe also take up martial arts. I'm also planning to buy a gun. Maybe it's overkill, but right now I feel surrounded by enemies.

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3 things that I regret so much:

1) Not ******* myself when I was 14

2) Returning to the Philippines instead of simply ******* myself to get out of my situation

3) Dating because I had fooled myself into thinking that I was a normal person

It is not too late to **** myself. It never is.

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((((((((((gumpasteflower)))))))))))

Nothing is ever worth ending it. There is so much that can change and we do not know what the future holds. I am sorry that you are in so much pain right now. I am going to post you the hotlines, please call one.

Trace

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DF's International Suicide Hotlines

Argentina ~ 223-493-0430 ~

Armenia ~ 2-538-194 or 2-538-197

Australia ~ 1800 55 1800
or 13-11-14 ~

Austria ~ 142 or 01 713 33 74 ~

Barbados ~ 246-429-9999

Belgium ~ 02/648.40.14 or 106 or 107 or 108 ~
or
or

Bolivia ~ 64 22 100 (Sucre) ~

Botswana ~ 391-1270 ~

Brasil ~ 21-233-9191 or +55 (67) 383-4112 ~

Canada ~ 1-800-232-7288 ~ or 911

CANADA Suicide & Crisis Hotlines. Crisis Counselors National Hotline 1-800-448-3000 . TTY - National Hotline 1-800-448-1833

Canada (French) ~ 1-866-277-3553 ~

Please see more Canadian Hotlines below.

Chile ~ 22 10 10 or 21 01 43

China ~ 852-2382-0000 or 0800-810-1117 ~

Costa Rica ~ 506-253-5439

Czech Republic ~ 602-246-102 or 241-432-466

Croatia ~ (01) 4833-888 ~

Cyprus ~ 357-77-77-72-67 or Military 2345 ~

Cuba ~ 532 348 14 49

Denmark ~ 70-201-201 ~

Egypt ~ 762-1602/3 or 762-2381

Estonia ~ 6-558-088 or 126 or 127 ~

Fiji ~ (0679) 670565 or (0679) 302998

Finland ~ 040-5032199 ~

France ~ 01-45-39-4000 or 01-46-21-4646 or (+33) (0)1-40-09-1522 ~
or

Germany ~ 0800-1110-111 or 0800 1110 222~
or

Ghana ~ 2332-444-71279 ~

Gibraltar ~ 55666 or Military 5666 to Samaritans

Greece: ~ 197 or 210-649-7706 or Queen Sophias 135 or 801 801 99 99 ~

Guatemala ~ 502-254-1259

Holland ~ 0900-0767

Honduras ~ 504-237-3623

Hong Kong ~ +852 23820000 ~

Hungary ~ (62)-420-111 or (46) 323 888 ~

India ~ 91-22-307-3451 or +91 (0) 44 2464 0050 ~

Ireland ~ 1850 60 90 90 (ROI local rate) or +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate) ~

Israel ~ 1201 or Tel from abroad: 972-9-8891333 ~

Israel (Hebrew/English)) ~ 09 8848332 ~

Israel (Russian) ~ 1800-24-1201 ~

Italy ~ 06-7045-4444 or 800 86 00 22 or 199 284 284 ~

also German Language part of Italy (South Tyrol) 840-000-481

Jamaica ~ 977-5754 or 1 888 991 4505

Japan ~ 3-5286-9090 ~ Nippon Hotlines or Hotline in English

Liberia ~ 653-4308 ~ Liberian Hotline

Liechtenstein ~ 147

Lithuania ~ 8-800-2-8888 ~ Lithuanian Hotlines

Luxembourg ~ 45-45-45 (German)

Malaysia ~ 03-756-8144 or (06) 284 2500 ~ Malaysian Hotlines

Malta ~ 179 ~ Maltan Hotlines

Mauritius ~ 46-48-889 / 800-93-93 ~ Mauritius' Hotlines

Mexico ~ 525-5 10 25 50 or 9 45 37 77 ~ Mexican Hotlines

Namibia ~ (09264) 61 23 2221 ~ Namibian Hotlines (various languages)

Netherlands ~ 0602 222 88 or 0900-0767 ~ Dutch Hotlines

New Zealand ~ 4-473-9739 or 0602 222 88

Nicaragua ~ 505-268-6171

Norway ~ 815-33-300 ~ Norwegian Hotlines

Paraquay ~ 021 663 187 or 0991 268 384 ~ Paraquay's Hotlines

Philippines ~ (02) 8969191 or Mobile phone: 0917 854 9191

Poland ~ 52-70-000 or 52 70 988 ~ Polish Hotlines

Portugal ~ 239-72-10-10 or 112 ~ Portuguese Hotlines

Republic of Ireland ~ 1850-60-90-90 or see Ireland

Russia ~ 8-20-222-82-10 or (8202) 577-577

Samoa ~ 32000 ~ Somoan Hotline

Scotland ~ +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 or 08454 24 24 24 ~ Scottish Hotines

Shanghai ~ 021 6279 8990 ~ Shanghai's Hotline

Singapore ~ 800-221-4444 or 000-227-0309 ~ Singapore's Hotlines

South Africa ~ 0861-322-322 or 051 444 5000 or 0861 322 322 ~ South African Hotlines

South Korea ~ 2-715/6/7/8-8600 or (local)-9191 or (82) 51 804 0896 ~ South Korean Hotlines

Spain ~ 91-459-00-50 ~ Spain's Hotlines

Sri Lanka ~ 1-692-909 ~ Sri Lanken Hotlines

St. Vincent ~ 809-456-1044 or (784) 456 1044

Sudan ~ (249) 11-555-253

Sweden ~ 020 22 00 60 or 031-711-2400 ~ Swedish Hotlines

Switzerland ~ 143 or +41 (0) 27 321 21 21 ~ Switzerland Hotlines

Taiwan ~ (037) 332565 or 332621 ~ Taiwanese Hotlines

Thailand ~ 02-249-9977 or (02) 713-6793 ~ Thai Hotlines

Tonga ~ 23000 or 25144

Trinidad & Tobago ~ 868-645-2800

Turkey ~ 182

Ukraine ~ 058 or 0487-327715 or 0482-226565 ~ Ukrainian Hotlines

United Kingdom ~ 8457 90 90 90 or 8457 90 91 92 ~ U. K. Hotlines

United States ~ 911 ~ 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433 ~ Hotlines 1 ~ Hotlines 2 ~ State Hotlines

Misc.

~ En Espa

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Hi trace, ThunderRoad (Guy) here, I don't believe god is punishing you. It's your thought's or "Core beliefs" which are taking over. We must not let ourselves fall victim to our negitive core beliefs! You are trying to get better I believe. I was once in your same shoes. But I found inner peace knowing that I can take back control of my life. I know it's hard to believe, but we cause our own distress, not god or the devil. You must be strong and vigilent to this and take back control of your thought's and beliefs. CBT taught me that we make choices in life and either choose good or bad reactions. I know your a good person inside or you wouldn't be seeking help. I found inner strength that allows me to realize " I am the one who let's negitive emotions to take over. I refuse to let emotions run my life! I in turn, know that if I remain positive that I control situation's or how I react. I either feed into a negitive event or walk away. I choose to walk away and know I am in control. Say to yourself "is there a different way I could of reacted"? And I always can think of a more positive way of reacting. I refuse to let any situation control my life! Find out more about Cognitive Behaverial Therapy. When you study this, it will open your eyes to new beliefs!! You and you only can either react with negative emotions verses positive reinforcement. And I considered myself to be helpless at one point. But when I realized "I'm in control", my life changed for the better. Look up on the internet about CBT and you WILL see the difference. I know it seems hard at this point, but believe me, CBT does help!! God nor the devil can control the way we react. God gives us the option of choosing ourselve how to react. God gave us life, but WE make our own choices. I know for "A fact" that CBT works! It had shown me that I can either choose to feed into negativity or walk away from it feeling like I can not control other's, but I can control my own destiny (or path in life). Be strong my friend and take back contrtol of your life! Try the book "Mind over mood". It has helped me to take control of my choices. Best wishes my friend and after reading about CBT, I bet you will feel better and you will see why we react the way we do.

Guy~ (Thunder Road)

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Gumpasteflower.. I like your name.. I've always wanted to learn how to make those..

Unfortunately, I cannot speak as someone who can even begin to understand God's Way. I was not raised with any sort of that kind of teaching.

What I can understand though is the feeling of an out of control life. Somethings in this instance will take time, such as renewing your visa. You are trying your best and, as someone told me, that is all you can do. Your visa is rather important. I would try to get in touch with the embassy daily until you are satified with the status update they give you.

As others have said, trying to find an outlet such as excersizing tends to help greatly as a stress releiver. Let us know how your runs go <3 Take care

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Violet, thanks for asking about me. My mood has stabilized a bit. The lack of sleep and flu were just making me feel even more demoralized than usual, but now that I've had some sleep, I'm feeling less down than usual.

Thunderroad, Phantastic Mirage, and Trace, thank you for your kind words and your concern.

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(((Gumpasteflower)))

Glad to hear it. The flu is the worst, can really make you depressed, so take good care of yourself. Sleep and drink plenty of water.

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I'm currently staying at my cousin's house while I'm waiting for graduate school to start. In any case, his maids have all decided to pick on me. I don't even know why they decided to pick on me, but the problems started when my cousin hired a new maid. Most likely she started questioning why she had to assist me or respect me- which is funny, because I don't even add to their work since I do my own laundry and clean the room that I'm staying in, plus I was initially friendly and polite towards them- and the other maids just decided to follow suit. I am, after all, just my cousin's guest.

I really would rather just avoid them, but their constant gossiping is pi**ing me off. It's just culture shock. I don't want them to like me, but I want them to respect me and leave me alone. Obviously they don't like me for some reason- my accent, maybe they think I'm arrogant, maybe they think I'm an a******. God knows what. Maybe they dislike me for the pettiest reason ever that will boggle my mind once I find out. I can't even begin to explain how the average Filipino psyche works. I guess the simplest explanation is that they're simply petty children. They can NOT be reasoned with, so explaining my situation (depression + readjusting to the culture + trying to deal with my many problems) to them will only result in more gossip being spread around. Most likely that will also give them the opportunity to anger me more.

My mother has told me to give them small gifts and to reward them, but for what? For not doing their job? For adding even more stress? My family has told me to simply ignore them, since they're insignificant in the long run. It's difficult for me to simply do that, since I'm outspoken and have the unfortunate tendency to be sarcastic and to talk back, especially when goaded. I also have this attitude, that I thought I had gotten rid of while growing up in the US, that maids should not ever disrespect, tell me off, or talk back to me, because i'm above them.

I don't think I'm explaining the problem clearly. I'm just upset. I don't even want to be in this situation in the first place. I ******* hate the Philippines, I ******* hate that I have to deal with people like those ******* maids, but they're all over the place. I'm not asking for solutions, just for a different perspective, because I'm just so angry and annoyed at this point. I realize that this is such a strange situation.

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The real challenge would be to force yourself to be nice to them. Only if you can and in your own time. Ultimately it would help your depression, because the real trick is to challenge yourself.

Thanks. You're absolutely right...I have a mean streak that I've been struggling to suppress for as long as I can remember. It is difficult for me to be nice, or even neutral, to people whom I feel have wronged me. I have to exact revenge before I can let go, and I don't know how to exact revenge on the maids. That's why I'm feeling annoyed and frustrated. I know that I should just simply ignore them and let go. After all, I have the advantage over them: I don't have to deal with them if I so wish, but they have to deal with me, whether they like it or not, or else risk losing their jobs. I have the advantage of an education, and they don't.

Maybe that's why I'm still holding on to so much baggage and emotional trash, because I didn't get the release that comes with revenge. I just absolutely hate being gossiped about.

I discussed the situation with my cousin's fiancee, since she's the one who's in charge of the household staff. Her advice has been the same as everyone else's- just ignore them, because they're nothing. Expendable walking furniture. And usually that kind of thinking makes me upset because I believe in equality, but to my horror I found myself agreeing with her. I told her that our family also had maids before we left the Philippines- but our maids knew their place. So not only am I upset that the maids are gossiping about me and trying to make me miserable, I'm also upset because I feel like my sense of decency and ideals are being eroded.

I think I'm over-thinking everything. I'm over-analyzing why a couple of servants dislike me entirely, when like I said in a previous post, it most likely comes down to some petty reason. I just want to be done thinking about this.

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gumpasteflower,

After reading all of your posts on this issue, I can't help but think of my own situation. I too feel that God is punishing me. I always feel that there's a dark, rainy cloud looming above me. No matter what I do or hard I try, things always seem to go bad. I began to think that God had abandoned me in my journey and let me venture on alone. However, there is a little bit of faith in you. It's waiting for you to discover it and once you do, you may see still see a dark cloud above you but at least the rain will stop. Let me tell you just a small bit of my story.

I tried committing suicide at 17; I was crying for help from my family and no one was listening. As I look back on my teenage years, I was in a dark period, scared and alone. Some people would say that I had the perfect family: 2 loving married parents living in a middle-class neighborhood and usually getting what I wanted. However, all I ever wanted was for my mother to treat me the same way that she treats my older and young sister. I am stuck in the middle and as others have classified it, I have "middle child syndrome." I have cut off my younger sister from my life because I got sick of the bs and the s**t talking from her. I hated my older sister when I was younger and just when I thought that my relationship with both sisters had stabilized, the same thing happens with the younger one. It's hard going to my parents house and just trying to hang out and talk because the young one lives there. I'm literally at the end of the rope with my parents because they are convinced that I should make amends with the young one because "we're family." Why would I subject myself to that? I compare my family to driving down a block and getting shot at every time; if I know that every time I drive down that block that I am going to get shot at, why continue to go? I go because of my parents, trying to make them happy but what about me? Day in and day out I've struggled with the issues with my family and to add a cherry to the top, I can't have 'normal' relationships with men. I'm needy, emotional so I rely on a man. Bad move on my part. I look for comfort in a man because I feel that I never received that at home from my parents. I remember growing up and helping my mom clean the house on Saturday's - what about the other 2? Why did I have to clean and they got away with not doing anything? My mother still does not see what the big deal is. Her excuse, "well you've always been the neater one." Seriously?

Just the other day I was over my parents house and my mom was hurrying up to make dinner because the young one was on her way home. She's 26 and relies heavily on my parents. It saddens me that my mother is so comforting with her but not with me. It hurts me that my mother can have long conversations with my older sister (who is married with 2 beautiful kids) yet when her and I go out for let's say lunch, we literally eat in silence. If this is the way they're treating me than why in the world did they have me? I feel like I am an emotional punch bag for them. It hurts because they say that "blood is thicker than water." I do not believe that at all, at least not in my instance. I've been depressed for 15 years and in those years, I have received hate letters, emails and voicemails from both sisters; I have been ridiculed by both of them in front of my parents. It sucks when you want to stand up for yourself in front of them but you can't seem to get the words out of your mouth. When I try, my throat gets choked up and the tears begin to stream down my face. They know that they hurt me yet no matter how hard I try to defend myself, I can't. That is why I have decided to cut off my young sister; in fact, I don't even feel like she's a part of me. It's sad that we're sisters and we despise each other. Yes I have made my share of mistakes with them both but not to the extent of what they have done to me. I'm not playing the victim card here, as they would say, I simply get beat up. They're the bullies in my life and no matter what I do or what I say, they will always have my parents support. I on the other hand, am all alone.

I am 30, have my own home, have a great career and am currently on 225mg of Bupropion. Life seems stable right now for me, but the past still haunts me as it does to you. They emotionally abused me in front of my own parents while they sat back and watched. I mean, my older sister left me in Europe alone for 2 days at the age of 15! I'll never know why she did that. I can't let that go. I can't let go the fact that at 17 I was close to ending it (my mother denies that ever happened; she has mentally blocked that out). I can't let go the fact that I literally flunked out of college my 1st year because of my sisters which forced me to literally run away.

I remember all of those events as if it were yesterday. The memories are vivid and alive. When I go to my parents house, those memories haunt me. My old bedroom is now the young one's bedroom; nothing in that house shows that I ever lived there, that I ever existed there. No pictures, no diplomas, nothing. It hurts typing this but I know that I have to let it go and tell my story to others. I wait for the day that I can go to my parents house and feel comfortable, feel like I belong.

Please know that you are not alone in this journey and with time, the dark, rainy cloud will vanish.

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I am just deeply, deeply depressed at how my life has gone. I'm turning 25 next week. What happened to all of my career and life plans? Nothing. So much for careful planning, so much for rebuilding myself from an insecure, angry little girl only to turn into an insecure, angry woman.

I have done nothing with my life. I haven't published any papers or done any significant research. I'm getting too old to establish a decent academic career where my competition have already completed their PhDs and postdocs by the age of 30, and I'm at a place where I will have little opportunity to do cutting-edge research. I'm already an academic failure, and I haven't even started yet.

Nobody has even ever fallen in love with me, so I've also failed on a fundamental level. I found out that the first and only man I've dated would rather not have dated me at all.

My life is a ******* joke, and it's not even a particularly funny one. I just want to get out of here.

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