Jump to content

Gf's Violent Family


Recommended Posts

Hi there...

I guess I need some help here. I don't think there is anything we could actually do about this problem, but... well. I think I'll go crazy soon...

I like my girlfriend a lot. We've known each other for five years, and although we got together somewhat recently, we've been best friends for years and know each other really, really well. I guess you could say we're the proverbial soulmates. But there is this HUGE problem, and it has been a problem since the very beginning of our friendship years ago.

She has this really, and I mean really, horrible family. Her father is a nutcase, a despot, a tyrant. He has been terrorizing my girlfriend, her mother and sister for years. He is completely out of his mind. You wouldn't believe the psychological terror he is capable of. He doesn't use physical violence as far as I know, but lately, he's been getting worse, and I'm afraid it might actually come to that. GF's mother is rather broken, and so caught up in her husband's bulls*** she certainly isn't any help. Her sister is cold and living in her own world - she is the older one of the two, and I think her father has driven her to this severe mental isolation. All three of them are conservative, ignorant and completely intolerant of anything other than themselves. Her father, of course, is the one I'm worried about.

Sometimes, I just can't understand how the wonderful, open, intelligent person my girlfriend is came to life in this biotop of horror. She is very strong, but I'm afraid she can't hold on for much longer. We're both 20 now, and in college in a city far away from the city of our birth. My girlfriend's father has always been extremely controlling, and has never approved of me or our other friends, although he has seen me perhaps twice in the five years, and I think he's never even talked to me. My GF and me, we've always been different in many things. We like to dress differently, and our opinions have made us - especially me - some enemies among the 'normal people'. We're interested in things that are not 'cool and normal' - like literature, I want to be a writer, we spend a lot of time inventing our own worlds... it's stuff that is hard to understand from the outside, but we usually don't sit well with the mainstream.

When I found out I was bisexual four years ago, I was somewhat scared. Many people don't like me, and I rarely like them. I'm kinda difficult to get along with, and my interests and opinions have always set me apart. I have had problems with authority since I can remember, although all I ever did was say what I think, and not even in a rude manner. I have had depressions in the past, mainly stemming from a fear of loneliness. I was scared, then, that my bisexuality will become just another thing that sets me apart, as if I wasn't weird enough as it was. Today, I am comfortable with my orientation, and although I do not necessarily flaunt it, I don't bother with hiding it all that much. I'm a reserved person by nature, so it does not make for that much of a difference.

This is my second girlfriend, I am her first, and I think I might really mean it with her this time. She's great, and we've talked about living together a lot. But we just don't have the money, as we are both still in school.

When I first met her, she was this really cool introvert. Why? Let us see. Her father wouldn't allow her to have any friends, would not allow her to go out - EVER, not for an hour, not for five minutes - she was not allowed to wear what she wanted, to cut her hair in any manner, she had to have straight A's in every subject, was supposed to study all day long. She was not allowed ANYTHING. She has no access to the Internet, because her father does not approve. He keeps screaming at her every day - that she is lazy, stupid, will never BE SOMEONE, will never ACHIEVE anything, that she is mean and ungrateful and a *****. (! notice the utter absurdity of this statement, as she never is allowed to leave their flat.) As the years went by and our friendship grew, she gradually began to fight back. She lied when she had to, argued when she had to, screamed, bit, waged a war to break free. For a time, it seemed to work a little. But last year, we began our first year at a university. And her father freaked out. I think he's afraid of losing control now that she lives far from him. He took a turn for the worse, and is now more despotic than ever.

The thing is, her family suspects something. Not about us per se, but... you know, the usual. He wants to know about every detail of her life, and she is not allowed any privacy. They - her mother and sister, too - keep bugging her about not having a boyfriend (! notice absurdity no.2 - where was she supposed to meet anyone?), being weird, dressing weird, spending too much time with me and girls generally. Her father told her that if he found out she was a lesbian (which she actually isn't, we're both bisexual), she's dead - and so is her partner. He said that he would 'kick the *****'s head in, shoot her', whatever. Summer is coming, and she will have to go home for the summer break. She's scared witless, and angry. I am home already, as all my exams are over.

She came home for this weekend, and she didn't pick up her phone all day long, although I called her every five minuted. Half an hour ago, she finally picked up, in tears, whispering something about them wanting to kick her out of the house and wanting her to see a psychiatrist and her father wanting to sue me. I asked if they found out about us, and she said no.

This is really putting a strain in our relationship. I barely get to see her, and when I do, I have to look at her pain and anger, and we're both helpless, and it's ******* me. I have a bad feeling about this summer, as if something terrible will happen. Her father is threatening to take her out of school, because he thinks 'she is lazy and does not study hard enough'. We have nowhere to go. I want to run away so badly it hurts. My family isn't important in this - I dislike my mother profoundly and love my dad dearly, but they don't really have anything to do with this (although my mother is a homophobic prude, and dad... well, he is somewhat of an enigma as far as opinions are concerned). I'm half out of the closet at home, but either way, that does not help or hinder us in any way. I'm afraid my girlfriend's psychopathic father will hurt her or me. To make matters worse, her family is in terrible financial debts from her father's company bankruptcy years back. They have practically no money, so her mother can't even get a divorce. So that means I can't even sue him, or my girlfriend can't, either, because they would all end up on the street. This is ******* me. I hate the man. What the hell should I do????????

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Tress and :shocked: to DF!

I'm so sorry that this is all happening in your life right now. I'm really not sure there is much you can do except to support your girlfriend! I was once in a vaguely similar situation. Over the summer, my girlfriend who call collect from a payphone when she could get out of the house. I could call that number back so it wouldn't cost us so much. This would be a way for you to keep contact over the summer. It sounds to me that neither of you would have enough money for even a pay-as-you-go cell phone (another idea).

Other than showing her your support and figuring out a way to keep in touch, I don't think there is anything you can do about the situation. I understand that now you're nervous for your own safety. I'm hoping that her father is like many people who are like that and that he's all bark and no bite!!!!

Hang in there!!

iowa

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Tress and :shocked: to DF!

I'm so sorry that this is all happening in your life right now. I'm really not sure there is much you can do except to support your girlfriend! I was once in a vaguely similar situation. Over the summer, my girlfriend who call collect from a payphone when she could get out of the house. I could call that number back so it wouldn't cost us so much. This would be a way for you to keep contact over the summer. It sounds to me that neither of you would have enough money for even a pay-as-you-go cell phone (another idea).

Other than showing her your support and figuring out a way to keep in touch, I don't think there is anything you can do about the situation. I understand that now you're nervous for your own safety. I'm hoping that her father is like many people who are like that and that he's all bark and no bite!!!!

Hang in there!!

iowa

Thanks for your support. Really, I appreciate it very much. :) There is no-one I can talk to. We live in a conservative state in the middle of Europe, in a town that is not that big.

However, I'm afraid her father's all bite. Yesterday night she called me, secretly. Her family thinks we're in some kind of a sect (...go figure. I guess I'm sacrificing human virgins in the dead of night just because I happen to have blue hair), her father wants to sue me for 'dividing the family', said we were both sick, I was a monster, she was not allowed to see me, ever, he threatened to hurt both of us and another our friend... I'm sick of this. I'm thinking of dropping out of school and finding a job or whatever. They will probably throw me out anyway, as I certainly am in no state of mind for studying for my last exam. You know... for some reason, for all of my life, most people have thought I was some kind of a dangerous freak. My friends' parents always hate me. Teachers always hate me. I'm a 'bad influence', you see. As if I was able to inject thoughts into someone's mind. What am I, a PSI-user? I'm tired of being disliked. I've never hurt anyone. For god's sake, people even dislike my wolfdog, who is as sweet as dogs go. And what's the worst, I don't see any kind of end coming. It will be years until my beau finishes her school. I'm thinking about changing my major, so that's another year lost. Her father is capable of following us anywhere. He said yesterday she got to choose - them, or me. And if she chose me, he would ruin her life. And they don't even know we're together! Tell me, is there no end to human stupidity? I have never liked people overmuch, but I have never despised them, either. The last year's happenings... I do. I cannot help myself but *despise* them. Will this never end? And yes, I have to be strong. I *always* do. I'm tired of being the strong one. No-one ever is there for the strong ones. Tell me, how am I supposed to keep alive a relationship in which I can have no contact with my lover whatsoever? I have to figure out a way for leaving.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(((((((Tress)))))))

I know it is difficult to step back a bit, but I think that's what you first need to do. Of course, you're very concerned about your girlfriend's situation, but it might not be helpful to her if you are too emotionally involved. She has to make decisions, so I think it would be better to be there to listen and give feedback (not advice). What I mean is, "I hear you say..." kinds of things.

Your girlfriend can better assess whether the fear about his possible violence toward her and you is valid. So, I think this is something to discuss. Since there are possible death threats, you or she might want to contact the police for advice.

You're both twenty and in college. It sounds like she's financially dependent on her father right now. But the two of you might discuss options. If she cannot continue at college, can she find a job? Have her talk to the financial aid department so she knows her options.

Is there a psychological counseling center at your college? If so, both of you might consider going there. A counselor can really help.

There are more things I'd like to say, Tress, but I've got to get ready for work.

In the meantime, here's a big huge :shocked: for you and your girlfriend.

I'm happy to give more feedback if you want.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're not a monster. Please never think that. You're not a bad influence. Understand?

I'm very much like you described in your original post. You think differently. That's not a bad thing. But people do feel threatened when one challenges their ideas. People are afraid of change.

It is very, very, very important, Tress, that you take care of yourself now. You cannot be strong unless you allow yourself to be taken care of. Go to a friend, your dad, someone you trust, a counselor. Please.

I know it is very hard right now.

We're here for you.

Edited by Lek
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks a lot, sweethearts. Your words have really helped. I've always secretly been a sucker for hugs. :) I know I should probably cool down a little. I've always had this protective instinct towards my friends and all people I liked. The job issue... well, I've considered that, but where I live, there are huge unemployment issues. People without college are practically screwed. We both should study if we want a normal life for ourselves. A more immediate solution would be that of finding a flat to share (in the city where we study, of course). That, probably, could be pulled off, if certain conditions were met. Dad has been working in that city for the last couple of months, and, logically, we've thought about living together, as we like each other, and it would tremendously lower the costs. I had a place to live with my classmate, but they threw me out of that flat because of my wolfdog. (Sheesh, there were two other dogs, a cat, two rabbits, a spider and a turtle living there, but, of course, MY dog was the problem.) So... if I were to find a room somewhere, or, better, a flat with my dad, I'd probably stop going home (although I hate that city), and she could probably stay there for most of the winter and summer breaks if she told her family she found a side job or whatever. But, well, we're not exactly rich, and there is this problem of my wolfdog... few people want to rent to people with animals, and they don't care if it's a really sweet pedigree working dog who's winning dog shows. Isn't that discrimination, too? :P

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm happy to see that you are considering some possible solutions. I hope the three of you will make great roommates.

I understand that there are a lot of uncertainties (gosh, this takes me back to my university days). It sounds like maybe you over-think things--something I'm well aware of in myself. I call it my "what-if" issue. It's good to understand the worst-case scenario, but there's something to be said about just taking a leap and going for it.

In my experience, the best way of finding a place to rent is just driving around neighborhoods looking for "FOR RENT" signs. In your case, the first question I would ask is "Do you allow pets?" If the answer is "No," just say thanks anyway and move on.

Don't get discouraged. There are apartment owners who love pets (actually, I don't trust anyone who doesn't love animals).

I understand that previous pet owners may have been irresponsible--not cleaning up after their pets, allowing their pet to disturb neighbors, or not training their dog not to chew wooden doors, for example. It can be costly.

There is also something to be said about faith and positive thinking. Have faith things will work out. Don't give in to the frustration. It works out. Sometimes in ways you didn't anticipate (that's another reason over-thinking things is not a good idea--one gets a narrowed picture of possibilities).

Here's some more :shocked::wwww::sneaky2: for good luck to the three of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Sheeesh... her father almost attacked my mother a few days ago. He and his wife came to mother's work and began screaming at her - how I'm a monster and how I am not allowed to approach their daughter and whatnot. He almost hit my mother, running after her down the corridor. I can't even go to the police, because my mother refuses to - she's really big on appearances - and I wasn't there when it happened. All of this because the battery my gf's cell phone had gone out for a few hours, and she couldn't pick up. The hell has been going on for a week now. She's back home, and safely locked up. I'm seriously considering m*****. Digitalis is an undetectable poison, after all. Geez!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sheeesh... her father almost attacked my mother a few days ago. He and his wife came to mother's work and began screaming at her - how I'm a monster and how I am not allowed to approach their daughter and whatnot. He almost hit my mother, running after her down the corridor. I can't even go to the police, because my mother refuses to - she's really big on appearances - and I wasn't there when it happened. All of this because the battery my gf's cell phone had gone out for a few hours, and she couldn't pick up. The hell has been going on for a week now. She's back home, and safely locked up. I'm seriously considering m*****. Digitalis is an undetectable poison, after all. Geez!!!!

And what's more, I wish my gf had more guts. I wish she'd fight back. But she's just not like that. She isn't like me, who'd rather die in battle than in prison. She believes in doing things patiently and quietly, and I'm beginning to feel frustrated and irritated. So I'm just supposed to serenely wait on the sidelines - for God knows how many f****** years - and do NOTHING. Just be supportive. Always supportive. I'm fed up with this... This status quo is ridiculous. And they think SHE is nuts!! What about me? Spending days alone, going out alone, eating alone, reading alone, hiking with my wolfdog - and no-one else? I swear, if I hadn't the poor furry dear, I would go mad. What's more, my best friend - like in THE best friend, THE soulmate - happily betrayed me for a new life full of alcohol, stupid new friends and a - listen to this - idiotic boyfriend of a week for whom she does not even care. After going out with me for a year and a half, one would have expect she could do better... There is no trusting people. None. Ever.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, Tress,

I'm sorry to hear about all of these difficult things happening to people around you.

I could be wrong, Tress, but it seems like you have a strong sense of wanting to take care of others. That's great, but how about yourself? Certainly, if you are worn out emotionally caring for others, you'll have little left to give.

As difficult as it is to accept, your mother, your gf, and your best friend have made choices. They aren't your choices to make and they aren't choices you would want them to make, but can you see how much anger and their choices have triggered in you?

The choice you need to make now is whether you can live with your girlfriend's and your best friend's choices. If not, you have two choices: Continue to allow yourself to be hurt and angry, or to set them adrift and let them take the rightful responsibilities of their choices.

I see no reason, Tress, to continue to suffer. It is okay if their problems and issues are too much for you to bear. You have no power over others, but you are empowered with the gift of choice in your own life.

For me, I would wish for you that you could learn how to cope with your anger in order to deal with its underlying pain. Holding onto them is so exhausting. I think you sense that. And that is not waiting at the sidelines. Working on yourself is an active, wonderful thing to give yourself.

The ability to accept people as they are, and to accept their good and bad choices, begins with yourself. Why do you feel so angry and hurt by their choices? That's a start.

It might help if you asked your mother why she let that man vent instead of do what you might do.

As for your gf, it might help if you tell her that you would like to see that she take more responsibility in her life now, that it is difficult to see her in the current situation with her father, but that you understand you cannot force any change in her life--that it is all up to her.

Our expectations of others are usually unconscious until something happens. Aren't we betrayed by our expectations?

At one time or another, all of us stumble by making "bad" and even "stupid" choices. Again, we have to accept that they have to take the responsibility for their choices. Perhaps making "bad" and "stupid" choices helps steer us toward "good" and "wise" choices. Experience is, after all, the greatest teacher.

I wonder--and I hope I'm not out of line here--I wonder whether you feel you are worth love, by that I mean loving, and being loved. I ask that because people who are "helpers" often are very capable of giving love, but not receiving it. Love is a loop of giving and taking. But you cannot make the connection without loving yourself. That's where the receiving part starts.

How do you do that? By reminding yourself that you love yourself, doing things that are good for you, getting in touch with your feels and needs and doing something about them (e.g., asking someone for what you need), allowing yourself to feel good (instead of dreading the day or even moment when you don't). It sounds simplistic, but it works. Learning to love yourself takes work.

Our culture somehow teaches us that self-love is bad, narcissistic, or selfish. But loving yourself is a selfless thing. Narcissistic and selfish people do not love themselves at all.

There's an old saying, "If you want to change the world, start with yourself." I'd say it applies: "If you want to change your world, start with yourself."

I know you deserve love, Tress.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, Tress,

I'm sorry to hear about all of these difficult things happening to people around you.

I could be wrong, Tress, but it seems like you have a strong sense of wanting to take care of others. That's great, but how about yourself? Certainly, if you are worn out emotionally caring for others, you'll have little left to give.

As difficult as it is to accept, your mother, your gf, and your best friend have made choices. They aren't your choices to make and they aren't choices you would want them to make, but can you see how much anger and their choices have triggered in you?

The choice you need to make now is whether you can live with your girlfriend's and your best friend's choices. If not, you have two choices: Continue to allow yourself to be hurt and angry, or to set them adrift and let them take the rightful responsibilities of their choices.

I see no reason, Tress, to continue to suffer. It is okay if their problems and issues are too much for you to bear. You have no power over others, but you are empowered with the gift of choice in your own life.

For me, I would wish for you that you could learn how to cope with your anger in order to deal with its underlying pain. Holding onto them is so exhausting. I think you sense that. And that is not waiting at the sidelines. Working on yourself is an active, wonderful thing to give yourself.

The ability to accept people as they are, and to accept their good and bad choices, begins with yourself. Why do you feel so angry and hurt by their choices? That's a start.

It might help if you asked your mother why she let that man vent instead of do what you might do.

As for your gf, it might help if you tell her that you would like to see that she take more responsibility in her life now, that it is difficult to see her in the current situation with her father, but that you understand you cannot force any change in her life--that it is all up to her.

Our expectations of others are usually unconscious until something happens. Aren't we betrayed by our expectations?

At one time or another, all of us stumble by making "bad" and even "stupid" choices. Again, we have to accept that they have to take the responsibility for their choices. Perhaps making "bad" and "stupid" choices helps steer us toward "good" and "wise" choices. Experience is, after all, the greatest teacher.

I wonder--and I hope I'm not out of line here--I wonder whether you feel you are worth love, by that I mean loving, and being loved. I ask that because people who are "helpers" often are very capable of giving love, but not receiving it. Love is a loop of giving and taking. But you cannot make the connection without loving yourself. That's where the receiving part starts.

How do you do that? By reminding yourself that you love yourself, doing things that are good for you, getting in touch with your feels and needs and doing something about them (e.g., asking someone for what you need), allowing yourself to feel good (instead of dreading the day or even moment when you don't). It sounds simplistic, but it works. Learning to love yourself takes work.

Our culture somehow teaches us that self-love is bad, narcissistic, or selfish. But loving yourself is a selfless thing. Narcissistic and selfish people do not love themselves at all.

There's an old saying, "If you want to change the world, start with yourself." I'd say it applies: "If you want to change your world, start with yourself."

I know you deserve love, Tress.

Oh, I do love myself all right... I do, really. I do not deny that it takes some time for me to accept I'm worth something to someone, but once I do, I believe it. This is not really a problem... As far as talking is concerned... you wouldn't believe how many times I've talked to everyone about everything. Hell, I'm tired of talking. I've talked to my mother. Only, my mother is untalkable to. It's all about what would other people think. I've talked to my girlfriend a thousand times. To no avail. She just won't do anything. She thinks there is nothing she can do. I've talked to my best friend a MILLION times. She always cries and promises - and she has been doing that for years, with no effect. And this time, she really messed up, and I am no longer interested in her. I have nobody, now. I've never expected anything from anyone. People made promises all by themselves, and finally, I began to believe them. Stupid me... Yes, all I am now is emotionally burnt-out. I have been for a year after a disastrous break-up, initiated by me, by the way. And now, when I've begun to pull myself together, finally, all this sh** happens. Whatever... they may all go drown themselves. I don't care.

Thank you for trying to cheer me up. I appreciate it. I just wish people had more guts, and would stand behind the things they proclaim. When I say something, I mean it. Apparently, people around me don't feel that stable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...