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God Of Perverse Suffering


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I believe God is love and forgiveness, but I also think he is the God of perverse suffering, which I go through regularly. Perverse suffering is to me for example having almost tangible suicidal thoughts and feeling totally powerless. I'm really talking about those specific moments of excruciating mental torture and during which you think about God. From these experiences I get a sense of what it is to accept everything and love God no matter what, but I'm still angry since I think NO ONE should have to go through something like that.

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Hi Hertz, I know that it's difficult understand why we suffer so much! It seems that we each need to find our own beliefs about that and our own ways of coping.

iowa

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I believe God is love and forgiveness, but I also think he is the God of perverse suffering, which I go through regularly. Perverse suffering is to me for example having almost tangible suicidal thoughts and feeling totally powerless. I'm really talking about those specific moments of excruciating mental torture and during which you think about God. From these experiences I get a sense of what it is to accept everything and love God no matter what, but I'm still angry since I think NO ONE should have to go through something like that.

I am sorry, Hertz :shocked:

Personally, I am not a believer, but if I were I would probably have struggled with the same thoughts you are, so I can understand the frustration. None of us deserve to suffer, we don`t deserve to be sick. People of all ages and situations get sick from different illnesses, I can`t possibly believe that a seven year old falling ill with cancer can be some sort of punishment.

I think that, if there`s a God, then he`s on the spiritual level, not the physical one. He`d be in our hearts, souls, and be there when we cross over from this realm to another, not take away our physical illnesses or cause them when we are here in the physical realm.

Those are only mine beliefs though.

*big hug*

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My personal opinion is that I am not sure that we can know what God is, or is like. Not from what religion tells us anyway, only perhaps through our own direct, or personal experience.

I feel often times that we, man, or human kind of all faiths and religions create a perceptioon and a persona of what God is, according to our specific religion and cultural contexts. So we sort of create images or beleifs about what God, he/ she looks like nad what his/ her attributes are according to the understnading and perceptions of our own human mind. In christianity it's Christ, Isalm/ Mohanmed. Judaism/ Adonai etc...In Hinduism, although there is one God; God is porttrayed in many forms so that the human mind can compehend it, or relate to it.

In my own life experience, I would have to say that God is formless and is in everything, therefore everything and everyone is also in God. It is kind of hard to explain. It was more of a felt experience during deep meditation and words can not really describe it. It has only happned once in my life time.

So I guess what I am saying is that I don't know if there is a God in a "traditional" sence ther way other people think of God. But I do beleive that there is something our there," Greater" than ourselves that is actually a part of our inner most self at the same time.

I dont know if htis makes sense to you...

Govinda

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I manage two accomplishments today. I have an incredible amount of school work piling up (I'm a graduate student, at least for now) but I couldn't manage to get started on anything. I tried all the break it down into small tasks and just work on it for five or ten minutes to start kind of tricks, believe me, but nothing has been working lately. "Loss of interest in daily activities" - you think? But I digress.

My two accomplishments. I managed to replace the air filter in my car, only after dropping a clamp, losing a screw and then breaking some other cheap plastic attachment. So I have a new air filter, but I probably introduced several ways for dust to bypass the air filter. My second accomplishment was to go to the grocery store.

As I was opening the front door, I dropped the one bag that contained the eggs. FFS right? At that point I had decided that the entire universe was conspiring against me, and I mean I really believed it. I wasn't just saying it. My counselors thought stopping nonsense took hold (he's like a little angel scold on my shoulder at this point) and I told myself it wasn't rational, that I wasn't that important, that they are just eggs, and everything else. It didn't matter though. I was convinced that there was a god of perverse suffering and I was his biggest play thing.

Anyway, I did decide that the only way that I wasn't the object of universal torture was if their were no broken eggs. Sort of a biased compromise between my counselor's voice and my own heart-felt belief. Even with the odds stacked it turned out there weren't any broken eggs. What does that mean? I don't know. It did keep me from dwelling on my persecution complex at least for the rest of the evening.

Edited by ROFL
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I believe God is love and forgiveness, but I also think he is the God of perverse suffering, which I go through regularly. Perverse suffering is to me for example having almost tangible suicidal thoughts and feeling totally powerless. I'm really talking about those specific moments of excruciating mental torture and during which you think about God. From these experiences I get a sense of what it is to accept everything and love God no matter what, but I'm still angry since I think NO ONE should have to go through something like that.

Wow, this is almost identical to what I told my counselor last week. Although I am a believer I cannot understand God allowing His children to suffer through suicidal thoughts. I am also very angry.

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So I guess what I am saying is that I don't know if there is a God in a "traditional" sence ther way other people think of God. But I do beleive that there is something our there," Greater" than ourselves that is actually a part of our inner most self at the same time.

I dont know if htis makes sense to you...

Govinda

It makes sense to me and I agree. I'd add that a personal relationship is yet possible, but considering Him too much like a person seems less and less plausible, or tolerable since it makes me feel schizophrenic. I also don't think when you die you actually meet Him in the usual sense of the word and start a conversation. He is, and is not, a person.

I manage two accomplishments today. I have an incredible amount of school work piling up (I'm a graduate student, at least for now) but I couldn't manage to get started on anything. I tried all the break it down into small tasks and just work on it for five or ten minutes to start kind of tricks, believe me, but nothing has been working lately. "Loss of interest in daily activities" - you think? But I digress.

My two accomplishments. I managed to replace the air filter in my car, only after dropping a clamp, losing a screw and then breaking some other cheap plastic attachment. So I have a new air filter, but I probably introduced several ways for dust to bypass the air filter. My second accomplishment was to go to the grocery store.

As I was opening the front door, I dropped the one bag that contained the eggs. FFS right? At that point I had decided that the entire universe was conspiring against me, and I mean I really believed it. I wasn't just saying it. My counselors thought stopping nonsense took hold (he's like a little angel scold on my shoulder at this point) and I told myself it wasn't rational, that I wasn't that important, that they are just eggs, and everything else. It didn't matter though. I was convinced that there was a god of perverse suffering and I was his biggest play thing.

Anyway, I did decide that the only way that I wasn't the object of universal torture was if their were no broken eggs. Sort of a biased compromise between my counselor's voice and my own heart-felt belief. Even with the odds stacked it turned out there weren't any broken eggs. What does that mean? I don't know. It did keep me from dwelling on my persecution complex at least for the rest of the evening.

I like the compromise you found between your beliefs. Even if they're just eggs, the negative emotional rush cannot be disregarded by a wave of the hand if it's too strong.

Good luck with your school work. Some days I feel exactly like what you describe. I don't think it was a bad idea to do other stuff, that's what I do too. Sometimes I think the semester will end in disaster, but to counterbalance this I imagine a best case scenario and tell myself everything will go fine. It always did so far.

Edited by Hertz
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