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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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22 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

I’m so sorry it didn’t go the way you planned. I understand why that makes you feel worse, but as @HeatherG said above, you’re not stupid or insignificant. He didn’t even get to see you...there’s no telling what might have happened if he did.  It’s very unfortunate and unfair that he lives so far away from you....maybe you can try again in the future, but please be sure you can really afford it before you go again.  Sending lots of love and hugs. :console:

 

I don't know if I'll go again another time.. I've actually tried plenty of times and it just seems like it's never gonna happen, sooner or later he'll probably have a girlfriend. Also, I think some people took notice of me lounging around and thought I was a stalker or something, it was very uncomfortable. I don't know what I'm gonna do, tbh. I feel like, honestly, life is not worth living if I can't be with him. I know it's super dumb to think, but all I do is thinking about him and it only makes me sadder and sadder. I hate everything about my life, I can't seem to date anyone because whenever I have done it in the past, I always get hurt, or as it is now - I'll just compare them too much to my CO. I'm so tired of feeling lonely and there's not much I can do about it. I've been lonely for the whole 8 years I've been single, and I've actually never even been with someone who I really loved or someone who really loved me. I'm closing in on 30 and everyone else in my family has someone, and I don't. And when I still think about my CO it makes it hard to even date. Idk even HOW some of you managed to get husbands or boyfriends. 

If I continue going back to London, I eventually just spends more and more money on something that's probably never even going to work out. I so ****ing wish I had met him, just so I could move on with my life instead of staying in this weird state. 

@HeatherG Thanks, I'm going to therapy on Tuesday so I hope I can talk a little about it. will be difficult though, since I still haven't told the group anything about my CO.

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2 hours ago, nikki114 said:

@Audrey822:   Is it bad that I made a Sim of him?  I love playing The Sims.

If it makes you feel happy and good i don't see anything wrong with it. If it were me, I would probably end up getting super sad about it instead. unfortunately. because it sounds like a good way of coping

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On 17/12/2017 at 6:15 AM, Audrey822 said:

I’m glad it makes you feel better to talk about this...it usually does.  Just knowing you’re not going through this alone probably helps (it helped me when I came here.). 

Try to focus on those accounts where she doesn’t show up.  I get that she’s going to sneak in now and then.  But when she does, visualize yourself gently moving her out of the way while you take her place. :Coopwink:  Read the excellent advice @SeSa gave earlier today....you control everything that happens in. your imagination.  She doesn’t have to exist there at all.  Do what makes you happy and avoid what doesn’t.  And if it makes you feel better to talk, there’s always someone here who will listen...usually we’ll respond within a few hours, often much sooner.  

Audrey, thanks for the "welcome back" and the kind words! @nikki114, I totally understand and identify with your situation and I think Audrey's advice is very good. Plus, if you download the pics, you can crop them!!

On the point about imagination - in my case this has absolutely been the key. I can only talk about my own experience, but I can say that having control over my fantasy life (and knowing and feeling that control) has made it easier to deal with all the stuff in real life that I really don't have control over. It's good to have a place of refuge sometimes! And at least in theory I know the CO of my imagination isn't the real her, and that's fine, I love both versions, just the fantasy one more intensely! At least that's how my rational mind evaluates the situation - most of the time they just blur together and everything flows. But in the fantasy I'm in control!

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When I become interested in someone or something, I have to know everything about it.  It's just my personality.

 

 

  Of course, you'll never know everything.  But you want to feel like you do.  Leave no stone unturned, as they say.  Are any of you like this?

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10 minutes ago, nikki114 said:

When I become interested in someone or something, I have to know everything about it.  It's just my personality.

 

 

  Of course, you'll never know everything.  But you want to feel like you do.  Leave no stone unturned, as they say.  Are any of you like this?

Definitely. It’s OCD-related, @nikki114.  Being that way is why I’ve gotten burned so many times...even after the first time when I learned the devastating information that ultimately led me to sign up here... even after that, I couldn’t seem to stop searching. I’ve done better — in March 2018 it’ll be 3 years since I stopped digging.  Awful facts about him seem to find me since then. I recently learned I just have to quit everything. 

@SeSa....your comment about cropping the photos:  YES, more great advice. I do that... I’ve even cropped out the other members of the band in a few photos! :cheesy:

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2 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

Definitely. It’s OCD-related, @nikki114.  Being that way is why I’ve gotten burned so many times...even after the first time when I learned the devastating information that ultimately led me to sign up here... even after that, I couldn’t seem to stop searching. I’ve done better — in March 2018 it’ll be 3 years since I stopped digging.  Awful facts about him seem to find me since then. I recently learned I just have to quit everything. 

@SeSa....your comment about cropping the photos:  YES, more great advice. I do that... I’ve even cropped out the other members of the band in a few photos! :cheesy:

I definitely have OCD traits, but I don't know if I have full-blown OCD.  I'm on the autistic spectrum, as well.  Sometimes, you're in situations where you want to stop your interest in the person, place or thing.  But you just can't.  It's almost like that special interest/obsession is a part of you, and it's harder to let go.

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1 minute ago, nikki114 said:

I definitely have OCD traits, but I don't know if I have full-blown OCD.  I'm on the autistic spectrum, as well.  Sometimes, you're in situations where you want to stop your interest in the person, place or thing.  But you just can't.  It's almost like that special interest/obsession is a part of you, and it's harder to let go.

I’ve discussed the things I do with my therapist...things not only related to searching the Internet for CO-related material. Her conclusion was that I definitely have OCD, but she’s not a doctor, so that not an “official” diagnosis. When people think of OCD, the stereotype is of someone washing their hands 300 times a day, or not being able to leave the house because they keep having to go back inside to check that all the burners have been turned off on the stove. I don’t do those sort of things...but I definitely get obsessed. It might be with a new hobby...I used the example before of what happened when I learned how to crochet. I had to have ALL the yarn. That’s the “compulsive” factor. Not being able to turn off the urge for more, more, more!  I have so much yarn in my storage room...every color, texture, and weight...I should never have to shop for another skein in my lifetime. My life is full of examples like that; searching for CO-related information is just another thing I became obsessed with. 

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On 8/9/2017 at 11:06 AM, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

Ok fine, he's the most beautiful man alive in his 20s. So now I'm sure EVERYONE knows exactly who I'm referring to! 😂😂

Sucks that I have to officially take back what I previously said about my former CO. I hate when that happens! 😄

Edited by HopelessRomantic2011
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On 12/16/2017 at 8:22 PM, nikki114 said:

Hi all.

I've been lurking on here for about 3 months now.  But I finally joined.  I can't take this anymore.

 

I've had this celebrity obsession for years now.  It's gotten worse and worse ever since I was forced out of school.  It's the same guy that the OP was talking about.  I'd go days without getting the slightest urge to research him, then BAM!  I'm back to looking up everything I can find about him.  Feeling jealous and unpleasant with him and his partner.  Getting the stomach cramps.

 

  I'm on the spectrum, so getting special interests/obsessions is usually a joy.  The difference between those and this one is that I want this one to stop.  This is INSANE!

 

I guess what I'm asking is how do you get it to stop?  Like completely stop?  What can I do?

@nikki114:

Hello there!  I am in a similar boat where I have a CO that I can't quite shake (it's been ongoing for 10+ years now) and I am in the process of trying to stop it for good.  I feel that it is no longer beneficial to me anymore and it is doing more harm to my psyche than helping it.  In the case of my CO, he was already married for very long time and has a family, and since I am married myself, I don't really get jealous of his spouse...I would pretend to have a secret love affair with him, lol!  

But to get myself to stop, I had to make the choice to want to stop.  I had to find a good, strong reason to WANT to stop and to remind myself of why I had to end it.  It was unhealthy and for me, it was starting to interfere with my ability to function on a daily basis.  I would lose track of time and be late for appointments because I spent so much time in fan groups and in my day dreams that things weren't getting done.  That I started to feel that I was taking my husband for granted because he could never live up to my fantasy guy.  It wasn't fair to him.  I cut myself off cold turkey.  I stopped going on FB, Instagram, Twitter, and anywhere else I would see pictures of him.  I changed the background on my phone and computers and tried to focus on other things to take my mind off of him.  Trust me, it was (and still is) difficult...right now, I want to look at my CO's picture but I'm telling myself 'no'.  I am only doing it out of loneliness and boredom. 

If you can't cut yourself off cold turkey, then perhaps just blocking or unfollowing certain groups that feature that particular person might help until you can get a better grip on it.  Another alternative might be to just give yourself a "mini break" from it, maybe a couple of days or to limit how much you access your social media for a brief time.  Also understand that if you go this route, you will relapse...and that its okay too.  After a while, it gets better to manage but like I said, it never 100% goes away. I am still very much "in love" and "in lust" with my CO but for right now, I need to let him go for a little bit until I can get myself into a better place mentally.  

FYI:  I understand that this will NOT work for everyone and that I am only sharing something that has worked for me in the past.  If anything, it may make it worse for some folks.  But like I said, I am only sharing something that someone may find helpful, at least for the short term. 

Edited by cornflakegirl
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Just an update:

I had met my therapist a little over 2 weeks ago and it was just a "get to know you" session so I didn't get around to mentioning my CO and how I am using it as a coping mechanism.  Ran out of time and I won't get to see her again until early January.  It might as well be next December at this rate...feels like a lifetime away.  She was already booked through December when I got referred to her. But other than that, she seems like a really nice lady and I like her so far, so we'll see how it goes when I see again. 

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@Audrey822, @cornflakegirl:  I think loneliness and boredom could be a part of it too.  Like I mention before, obsessions are a normal part of my world.  But I usually move on to the next really fast.  It seems like the older I get, the lonelier and more easily bored I get.

 

My friends are all busy doing their own things.  I'm happy for them, but also very jealous. 

I was forced to leave school because of a financial issue, and I still can't afford to go back.  I don't know if I want to anymore.  I miss the structure and routine of college more than college itself.  I'm trying to be a writer.

 

Plus, I have kind of a tendency to be attracted to guys that are unattainable in some way.  It's never done on purpose, though.

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47 minutes ago, cornflakegirl said:

@nikki114:

I would lose track of time and be late for appointments because I spent so much time in fan groups and in my day dreams that things weren't getting done.  That I started to feel that I was taking my husband for granted because he could never live up to my fantasy guy.  It wasn't fair to him.  I cut myself off cold turkey.  I stopped going on FB, Instagram, Twitter, and anywhere else I would see pictures of him.  I changed the background on my phone and computers and tried to focus on other things to take my mind off of him.  Trust me, it was (and still is) difficult...right now, I want to look at my CO's picture but I'm telling myself 'no'.  I am only doing it out of loneliness and boredom. 

 

If you have a good marriage and a wonderful husband, it’s probably not a good idea to continue on this path if you were taking him for granted.  However, the part about losing track of time and being late for appointments seems to be a function of too much time on social media rather than an issue specific to your CO.  My CO doesn’t have a huge presence on social media, and I wouldn’t follow him if he did.  But I keep him in my thoughts in other ways, and for over 50 years he’s been in dreams that don’t interfere with things I need to do in my daily life.  On the other hand, I have other interests, and I belong to a few FB groups devoted to fans of those interests.  If I spent all day doing nothing but reading others’ posts in those groups and replying to some of them now and then, I wouldn’t get anything done....and I guess you can see how that would have nothing to do with my CO.  

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18 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

If you have a good marriage and a wonderful husband, it’s probably not a good idea to continue on this path if you were taking him for granted.  However, the part about losing track of time and being late for appointments seems to be a function of too much time on social media rather than an issue specific to your CO.  My CO doesn’t have a huge presence on social media, and I wouldn’t follow him if he did.  But I keep him in my thoughts in other ways, and for over 50 years he’s been in dreams that don’t interfere with things I need to do in my daily life.  On the other hand, I have other interests, and I belong to a few FB groups devoted to fans of those interests.  If I spent all day doing nothing but reading others’ posts in those groups and replying to some of them now and then, I wouldn’t get anything done....and I guess you can see how that would have nothing to do with my CO.  

@Audrey822:

That's just it...the main reason I went on social media was for my CO....to get more pictures to add to my collection, to interact with other fans and of course to stay on top of the latest news on him.  Facebook didn't start out that way but it ended up that way.  I jointed Twitter solely for the opportunity to "follow" him online more directly....it was getting very unhealthy and even a bit stalkerish...I have to draw the line somewhere.  My CO posts on Twitter occasionally but he doesn't seem to be very active on it anyway.  Otherwise, I don't have much of an interest in social media.  I could care less, I just wanted to see new pics of my CO posted by other people in my feed.  It was too much and I had to put a stop to it, at least for now. 

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23 minutes ago, cornflakegirl said:

@Audrey822:

That's just it...the main reason I went on social media was for my CO....to get more pictures to add to my collection, to interact with other fans and of course to stay on top of the latest news on him.  Facebook didn't start out that way but it ended up that way.  I jointed Twitter solely for the opportunity to "follow" him online more directly....it was getting very unhealthy and even a bit stalkerish...I have to draw the line somewhere.  My CO posts on Twitter occasionally but he doesn't seem to be very active on it anyway.  Otherwise, I don't have much of an interest in social media.  I could care less, I just wanted to see new pics of my CO posted by other people in my feed.  It was too much and I had to put a stop to it, at least for now. 

Yes, I understand.....what I was suggesting is, maybe you could just cut out or cut back on your social media habits and still enjoy your CO (if you wanted to.)  Looking at your situation from here, it doesn’t seem like you have to give HIM up to get your life back on track....the problem seems to be that you’re spending so much time on social media.  The two issues don’t have to go together.  My CO was in my life for decades before social media even existed.  

 

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11 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

Definitely. It’s OCD-related, @nikki114.  Being that way is why I’ve gotten burned so many times...even after the first time when I learned the devastating information that ultimately led me to sign up here... even after that, I couldn’t seem to stop searching. I’ve done better — in March 2018 it’ll be 3 years since I stopped digging.  Awful facts about him seem to find me since then. I recently learned I just have to quit everything. 

@SeSa....your comment about cropping the photos:  YES, more great advice. I do that... I’ve even cropped out the other members of the band in a few photos! :cheesy:

This is going to sound horrible, but I'll just say it.  Do you sometimes research the other woman, too?  Because you want to be a grown-up and not a jealous word that rhymes with 'witch'?  But it's basically another form of torture.  Sometimes, it feels like you barely made it out of a ****** battle.  Pardon the exaggeration.....

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19 hours ago, nikki114 said:

When I become interested in someone or something, I have to know everything about it.  It's just my personality.

 

 

  Of course, you'll never know everything.  But you want to feel like you do.  Leave no stone unturned, as they say.  Are any of you like this?

Definitely! I want to know everything I possibly can about my CO - her beliefs and opinions, her family, her childhood, favourite food, films, music... everything!!

I'm lucky in that she's written an autobiography and some self-help type books that talk a lot about her personal life, and there are biographies too, so you can go quite deep into all this stuff! I've read her books so much I remember  bits and pieces of them by heart. I even took a trip to the village where she grew up to see her old house! And whenever there's a new interview with her, I'm always excited to find some new detail that I hadn't known about!

As for researching her love interests, I kind of prefer to know as little as possible - that's the one exception to my quest for knowledge! When re-reading her books, I tend to skip over anything about her ex-husband or other men in her life! In makes it easier to basically pretend they don't exist!

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2 hours ago, SeSa said:

Definitely! I want to know everything I possibly can about my CO - her beliefs and opinions, her family, her childhood, favourite food, films, music... everything!!

I'm lucky in that she's written an autobiography and some self-help type books that talk a lot about her personal life, and there are biographies too, so you can go quite deep into all this stuff! I've read her books so much I remember  bits and pieces of them by heart. I even took a trip to the village where she grew up to see her old house! And whenever there's a new interview with her, I'm always excited to find some new detail that I hadn't known about!

As for researching her love interests, I kind of prefer to know as little as possible - that's the one exception to my quest for knowledge! When re-reading her books, I tend to skip over anything about her ex-husband or other men in her life! In makes it easier to basically pretend they don't exist!

That's amazing!

 

As far as the thing about the love interests, that method seems to be best.  Very, very smart of you.

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10 hours ago, nikki114 said:

This is going to sound horrible, but I'll just say it.  Do you sometimes research the other woman, too?  Because you want to be a grown-up and not a jealous word that rhymes with 'witch'?  But it's basically another form of torture.  Sometimes, it feels like you barely made it out of a ****** battle.  Pardon the exaggeration.....

No. They don’t exist to me, and I don’t apologize for that.  I ignore them as much as my brain will allow.  I love him. 

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Just now, Audrey822 said:

No. They don’t exist to me, and I don’t apologize for that.  I ignore them as much as my brain will allow.  I love him. 

That was my original method.  I should go back to doing that.  Generally, in RL or otherwise, I make up my mind about people pretty quickly.  And once I decided I don't like a person, not much can change it.

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1 hour ago, nikki114 said:

That was my original method.  I should go back to doing that.  Generally, in RL or otherwise, I make up my mind about people pretty quickly.  And once I decided I don't like a person, not much can change it.

Trust your instincts and follow your heart.  This is not like failing to show interest if your best friend tells you she has a new boyfriend. In that situation, it's much different because you have no desire to be the only romantic interest in either person's life. 

Why wouldn't you be jealous when you want to be the only one in someone’s life?  And why wouldn't you be jealous when you feel that someone is "taking your place” in his life? Feeling the way you do about that other woman has nothing to do with how “grown up” you are.  It's normal to be jealous under these circumstances, and (as long as no one gets physically hurt) you don’t have to apologize for those feelings.   

 

Edited by Audrey822
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21 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

Yes, I understand.....what I was suggesting is, maybe you could just cut out or cut back on your social media habits and still enjoy your CO (if you wanted to.)  Looking at your situation from here, it doesn’t seem like you have to give HIM up to get your life back on track....the problem seems to be that you’re spending so much time on social media.  The two issues don’t have to go together.  My CO was in my life for decades before social media even existed.  

 

@Audrey822:

That's just it...I haven't been on ANY social media in over a month because I am trying to limit my exposure to my CO but I can completely see what you are saying, that I can reduce my exposure to social media in general so I don't fall behind on my personal responsibilities without cutting him out of my life completely.  But for me, that is not enough anymore.  

I don't want to be like this anymore.  Having a CO is not fun for me anymore.  It has become a crutch to deal with the unpleasantness of life and I know that it's not healthy.  I have very intense fantasies of him that help me escape from the pain of being alone loneliness and feeling worthless.  I don't think this is not a healthy way to deal with these issues.  I haven't had a chance to bring this up with my therapist yet, as I only had one session and I'm not scheduled to go again until January but I know that I have a lot of unresolved issues to work out.  

Maybe things would be different if I wasn't feeling this low about myself right now.  I mean, I have been obsessed with my particular celeb for over ten years and I was still a functioning person who served in the military, got promoted to a supervisor position at a previous job, completed college courses online, went through a 10 week coding boot camp to learn programming, and still managed to spend time with family and friends when my schedule permitted it.  Maybe a part of me feels that I am not worthy of being a fan anymore because I don't respect him and only like him for superficial reasons (which is not entirely true).  

My whole perception is probably too warped right now to be fully objective on anything.  Maybe it's just the depression talking?  Ever since I lost my job, I have been down on myself to the point where I don't feel valuable...and it's getting to the point where I am starting to question the value of my CO...I mean, it hasn't been completely bad but still...it's not fun anymore.  Not much of anything really is nowadays.  January needs to get here already...  

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On 12/17/2017 at 5:17 PM, Helpme26 said:

I don't know if I'll go again another time.. I've actually tried plenty of times and it just seems like it's never gonna happen, sooner or later he'll probably have a girlfriend. Also, I think some people took notice of me lounging around and thought I was a stalker or something, it was very uncomfortable. I don't know what I'm gonna do, tbh. I feel like, honestly, life is not worth living if I can't be with him. I know it's super dumb to think, but all I do is thinking about him and it only makes me sadder and sadder. I hate everything about my life, I can't seem to date anyone because whenever I have done it in the past, I always get hurt, or as it is now - I'll just compare them too much to my CO. I'm so tired of feeling lonely and there's not much I can do about it. I've been lonely for the whole 8 years I've been single, and I've actually never even been with someone who I really loved or someone who really loved me. I'm closing in on 30 and everyone else in my family has someone, and I don't. And when I still think about my CO it makes it hard to even date. Idk even HOW some of you managed to get husbands or boyfriends. 

If I continue going back to London, I eventually just spends more and more money on something that's probably never even going to work out. I so ****ing wish I had met him, just so I could move on with my life instead of staying in this weird state. 

@HeatherG Thanks, I'm going to therapy on Tuesday so I hope I can talk a little about it. will be difficult though, since I still haven't told the group anything about my CO.

How did therapy go?  Maybe speak to your therapist about your fears in revealing to your group about your CO. 

Honey most of us get hurt and have hurt feelings and broken hearts before we find the right one.  But can you imagine how the world would be if we decided, life isn't worth living because of "it hasn't worked out?" 

I know that sadness, but it's the depression clouding your thoughts and making you believe none of this will ever work out.  You don't know that right now.  It's best to work this out in therapy and see how you feel maybe, some months from now.  Take it day by day.  Therapy helps us sort things out, see what's really going on and not based on our "feelings."  Feelings are so tricky.  They've made me imagine the worst, that, the world is coming to an end or sometimes making me wish the world ended.

I look back, and that was not reality.  That how I was feeling at that moment.  At that time.  Mixed in with depression. 

Please give therapy a chance.  Try to enjoy these holidays.  A new year is coming and I'm hoping new opportunities, new friends, new outlook, new you and new me.  Who knows?  Let's give the new year a chance :)

:hugs:

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