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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support

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12 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

I would have gotten a new psychologist right then and there.  I'm not kidding at all.  That was very disrespectful to your feelings.  

To answer your question, no...I don't think it's more than unrequited.  As defined by Wikipedia: Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer's deep and strong romantic affection, or may consciously reject it.

There's no mention in that definition that the beloved must know the admirer.   If you were experiencing unrequited love for a co-worker, your psychologist wouldn't have batted an eye.   She wouldn't have grinned at you or suggested that you wear a rubber band to pop.  Even if you were too shy to ever approach that co-worker, and your love for him remained unrequited, your psychologist would most likely not have taken that approach with you.  It's the celebrity factor.  People look down on that for some reason.  There have been some busybodies (yep, I said it) who have come into this thread trying to lecture us on what we should do just because we're obsessed with a celebrity (I'm not "obsessed"...I love him.)  

You want to know how cool my therapist is?  On the day I first told her about my CO...keep in mind, this was the very first time I told that story in 47 years at that point,  in a face-to-face conversation (she's the ONLY person who knows about this away from this board) ...I was so nervous.  I was so afraid of being judged.  I was so afraid she'd tell me I had to stop this (before I began the story I asked her not to tell me that, but I still worried she would!!)  Here's what she said instead....she told me one of her fellow therapists (!) was doing the exact same thing....having maladaptive daydreams about a NASCAR driver (she told me the NASCAR driver's name, but I don't want to post it here.)  She told me this therapist actually refers to herself privately as "Mrs. (Name of NASCAR Driver)!!"  Wow.  That definitely put me at ease.  The idea that a colleague of my own therapist had a CO, and fantasized that she  herself was married to the NASCAR Driver made me instantly more comfortable, and made it easier to speak about my CO in future sessions.  Disclaimer: I have reason to believe she might have told me that just to make me feel better at that moment because she never mentioned that ever again and I saw her about that issue for almost 3 years.  But that's the way she was....she was all about making me comfortable most of the time -- there were a few sessions that weren't 100% comfortable, but two of those were my fault for not communicating properly.   

 

Gosh Audrey,

I don't know what to say.  Thank you so much.  I have considered dropping her, and I have someone else I was considering.  You're absolute 100% right, if I had a crush on a coworker and he didn't know it this psychologist would understand and empathize.  I have a lot of thinking to do and calls to make this upcoming week.  Thank you my friend.  (((big hugs)))  

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11 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

It's not easy, but it is possible to start living your life for YOU.

I know you didn't address this to me, but I have to say it anyway. 

Of all the reasons that I could list why I might not have lived my life for ME...exactly the way *I* might have wanted to if there had been no one demanding anything of me, my CO would not be among those reasons.  My CO was certainly not one of the people demanding anything of me (I only wish he could have been…) He never stopped me from doing anything I wanted to do. In fact, it’s because of him that I’m able to sit here and write this post to you because I’m sure I wouldn’t have survived what I had to endure if not for him.  Fantasies of my CO never stopped me from doing anything I wanted or needed to do.  I've covered this many times....I managed my fantasy time well.  I graduated from high school, college (almost with honors), managed two careers — one before I attended college and another after.  I got married and raised two children to adulthood…they’re both on their own, one is married and expecting a child of his own.  The point being, when I had a job to do, I did it.  I didn’t let the fantasy take over my life.  But when I needed an escape (for whatever reason….and there were reasons for almost my entire life) I went to that fantasy, which is as much about my alter ego as my CO.  When I finally got around to analyzing my life, about 17 days after signing up here, that was when I realized….my alter ego IS me, only much better.  Of course it was me who was/is in love with my CO, and has been all along…but he never interfered with anything in my life.  He made my life infinitely better.  Always and forever.  He still does.  :icon12:

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5 minutes ago, HeatherG said:

Gosh Audrey,

I don't know what to say.  Thank you so much.  I have considered dropping her, and I have someone else I was considering.  You're absolute 100% right, if I had a crush on a coworker and he didn't know it this psychologist would understand and empathize.  I have a lot of thinking to do and calls to make this upcoming week.  Thank you my friend.  (((big hugs)))  

You're welcome. :hugs:Therapy should be about helping you, not making you uncomfortable.  Even if there's a behavior you should quit...such as an unhealthy addiction (I'm not suggesting having a CO is an unhealthy addiction, but some people here think so) you have to want to quit or it won't be successful. A good therapist will help you see that you should quit the behavior.  She won't force it on you or make you quit.  Popping a rubber band isn't going to make you quit anything....except the rubber band. 

If you don't want to quit your CO but you just want to talk about how painful it is to love someone who can't love you back, tell your therapist exactly that right up front....insist that you will not entertain any discussion of quitting this person that you love.  Let her know that only you will decide when or if you're ready to give up on your CO.  And remind her of that if it ever starts to sound like she's going down that road.   

 

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@Helpme26 I'm really sorry to hear you were bullied at school. It's no surprise that that would lead to you having low self-esteem, and therefore seeking comfort in a CO.

I have quite a lot of interests and I find them all helpful distractions when I need to clear my head. I really love learning languages (this interest actually started because of my CO, lol), exploring new places, working out and reading novels.

I also mentioned that socialising and being with friends has a very positive effect on my mental health, but I still don't do it as often as I should. (That needs to be my New Year's Resolution!)

@Audrey822 I'm glad for you that your CO doesn't hold you back in any way from living your life. For me however, this has sometimes been the case. Not in terms of academic/career-related stuff - I have always been able to prioritise those things. But having a CO has certainly affected my relationships with my family and friends. It is also a big reason why I had no real love life or social life to speak of for a few years.

For me, my CO has always been an escape from the real world. And I don't think that's a bad thing - everyone needs to be alone with their own thoughts sometimes. As an introvert with social anxiety, I need to do this more than most people. But it's often extremely tempting for me to shut myself off from the world all the time. Which feels comfortable but is not at all healthy for my mental state. So I do have to battle with myself a little bit sometimes, but I'm getting there.

I feel concerned when I read that anyone here feels overwhelmed and controlled by their feelings for their CO, because that was my own situation not too long ago. So I try to offer the best advice I can and tell others what has helped me personally.

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5 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

@Audrey822 I'm glad for you that your CO doesn't hold you back in any way from living your life. For me however, this has sometimes been the case. Not in terms of academic/career-related stuff - I have always been able to prioritise those things. But having a CO has certainly affected my relationships with my family and friends. It is also a big reason why I had no real love life or social life to speak of for a few years.

For me, my CO has always been an escape from the real world. And I don't think that's a bad thing - everyone needs to be alone with their own thoughts sometimes. As an introvert with social anxiety, I need to do this more than most people. But it's often extremely tempting for me to shut myself off from the world all the time. Which feels comfortable but is not at all healthy for my mental state. So I do have to battle with myself a little bit sometimes, but I'm getting there.

I feel concerned when I read that anyone here feels overwhelmed and controlled by their feelings for their CO, because that was my own situation not too long ago. So I try to offer the best advice I can and tell others what has helped me personally.

@OpalP25 ... I know my circumstances haven’t been the same for you, and the advice you gave for someone who wants to give up their CO because he/she may be interfering in their everyday life is solid. 

As I said, I just wanted to put my perspective out there because not everyone here wants to be rid of our COs...our reasons for signing up here vary, but probably had to do with being hurt by something (*raises hand*.) I just didn’t want anyone to think it’s impossible to have a CO and still live a “real” life to the fullest. I don’t think I missed out on anything that was possible in my real life...the only thing I missed out on that I would have preferred to have in my life is him. Seriously. :icon12:

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23 hours ago, BlueStarr said:

What is HE interested in? Maybe you could find something to do that he would be interested in. It would help all the more if you were interested too. You could invite him to join you in a related activity, which is the best way to "ask him out" on first meeting.

Thanks, I actually appreciate your insights. I think one of the reasons why I like him so much, is due to the fact that he's very interested in all the things I've always been interested in (and things that was unusual so people always thought it was weird back in school.) I just don't know if there's anything I could invite him to. I'm now also hesitating whether asking him out for coffee or something would be too forward. I guess it depends on if I meet him and if we have a good conversation.

@OpalP25 yeah, I'm fairly certain that's why I've become obsessed about it. I have had a lot of low self esteem back in school, because of the bullying, thus I turned to obsess over celebrities. This one though, is something quite different than the others and it's lasted for so long. And it's dumb that I really think I can be with him? Dumb and frustrating. Yet I'm willing to go there and try out if I can meet him while he's out walking his dog. my god. 

That sounds like some really good ideas. I have the problem, though, that all my hobbies remind me of my CO. and sometimes it's super hard to actually get started! You mention going out more with friends ect. That sounds like a really good plan and a really good new years resolution! I think I can use some of your suggestions. Maybe going out and explore new places would be good. Or just go for walks to clear the head. 

I really appreciate your insights! 

I also understand what you mean about your CO holding you back. I feel like that's been the case for me in ages. 

 

@Audrey822 Wow!!! Your therapist sounds amazing. Even if she didn't actually mean it (or did lie about the NASCAR thing) it just goes to show she's making a concious effort in trying to make you feel comfortable about talking about your problem. That's really good. I had a therapist that was as good, once. I'm so sad that I couldn't go to her anymore, unfortunately I had to leave because I was 'done' with that part of my process and she needed to take new ones in. Where I am now, though, doesn't have a deadline, so to speak. Which is good, because then I can continue til I feel better. Which I hope, soon.

I'm feeling relatively ok right now because my mind genuinely think I can be with my CO. It's not good, because I know that when reality hits me, I'm going to crash hard. 

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3 hours ago, Helpme26 said:

Thanks, I actually appreciate your insights. I think one of the reasons why I like him so much, is due to the fact that he's very interested in all the things I've always been interested in (and things that was unusual so people always thought it was weird back in school.) I just don't know if there's anything I could invite him to. I'm now also hesitating whether asking him out for coffee or something would be too forward. I guess it depends on if I meet him and if we have a good conversation.
 

What I mean to say is that if there is a hobby or activity near the area where he is walking his dog each day, you could try to get into a conversation about that by telling him you are in the area for the activity. (Of course, you can't walk up to him and say that. You would have to find a way to insert it into a natural conversation.) Then he might say, "Oh, I like such and such activity too." Then you might be able to find an opening to casually ask him if he would like to join you. If you ask him out for coffee on first meeting, he would most likely decline. But inviting him to a public activity he is interested in would probably feel more organic to him, if you did it in a casual way. Example: "Hey, I am over there doing miniature golf. It's really fun. Feel free to come over and join me later if you feel like it." Or, another example: "I'm here for some chess playing. Would you like to join me later?" Leave it open and make it casual, light, and non threatening. (The invites would be appropriate to slip in near the end of a friendly conversation, as you're wrapping it up and saying goodbye.) He might join you, or he might not, but it's the only way to do it without coming across too forward, in my opinion. (It could be some other activity. I am just using those two scenarios as examples.)

Edited by BlueStarr

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9 hours ago, BlueStarr said:

What I mean to say is that if there is a hobby or activity near the area where he is walking his dog each day, you could try to get into a conversation about that by telling him you are in the area for the activity. (Of course, you can't walk up to him and say that. You would have to find a way to insert it into a natural conversation.) Then he might say, "Oh, I like such and such activity too." Then you might be able to find an opening to casually ask him if he would like to join you. If you ask him out for coffee on first meeting, he would most likely decline. But inviting him to a public activity he is interested in would probably feel more organic to him, if you did it in a casual way. Example: "Hey, I am over there doing miniature golf. It's really fun. Feel free to come over and join me later if you feel like it." Or, another example: "I'm here for some chess playing. Would you like to join me later?" Leave it open and make it casual, light, and non threatening. (The invites would be appropriate to slip in near the end of a friendly conversation, as you're wrapping it up and saying goodbye.) He might join you, or he might not, but it's the only way to do it without coming across too forward, in my opinion. (It could be some other activity. I am just using those two scenarios as examples.)

That's a good idea. I'll keep that in mind :) I really wanna come off as friendly. I hope I can bring myself to do it. I'm a hiddle chubby and he's quite attractive. A little intimidating haha

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9 hours ago, BlueStarr said:

What I mean to say is that if there is a hobby or activity near the area where he is walking his dog each day, you could try to get into a conversation about that by telling him you are in the area for the activity. (Of course, you can't walk up to him and say that. You would have to find a way to insert it into a natural conversation.) Then he might say, "Oh, I like such and such activity too." Then you might be able to find an opening to casually ask him if he would like to join you. If you ask him out for coffee on first meeting, he would most likely decline. But inviting him to a public activity he is interested in would probably feel more organic to him, if you did it in a casual way. Example: "Hey, I am over there doing miniature golf. It's really fun. Feel free to come over and join me later if you feel like it." Or, another example: "I'm here for some chess playing. Would you like to join me later?" Leave it open and make it casual, light, and non threatening. (The invites would be appropriate to slip in near the end of a friendly conversation, as you're wrapping it up and saying goodbye.) He might join you, or he might not, but it's the only way to do it without coming across too forward, in my opinion. (It could be some other activity. I am just using those two scenarios as examples.)

I tell you what...it’s only because I know my CO isn’t available that I haven’t already done this by now (or some variation of this theme.) Too much time has been wasted already. If I ever find out he’s available again, I’m going for it. I’ll get the divorce attorney from where I end up if I’m successful (I honestly believe I’d have a good chance.) Don’t even ask me what I’ll do if I’m not successful. Just don’t even ask.

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2 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

I tell you what...it’s only because I know my CO isn’t available that I haven’t already done this by now (or some variation of this theme.) Too much time has been wasted already. If I ever find out he’s available again, I’m going for it. I’ll get the divorce attorney from where I end up if I’m successful (I honestly believe I’d have a good chance.) Don’t even ask me what I’ll do if I’m not successful. Just don’t even ask.

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who's actually dumb enough to try. I'm just thinking, maybe if I try and fail it will be easier to accept, because then at least I would have tried (I hope I run into him walking his dog). I know he's single, but I'm unsure whether I would have an actual chance or not. I'm good at keeping myself cool when talking to people, but since he's rather famous and (kinda out of my league attractiveness wise) I'm unsure whether it would actually work. He might be super aware of crazy fangirls ect. 

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7 minutes ago, Helpme26 said:

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who's actually dumb enough to try. I'm just thinking, maybe if I try and fail it will be easier to accept, because then at least I would have tried (I hope I run into him walking his dog). I know he's single, but I'm unsure whether I would have an actual chance or not. I'm good at keeping myself cool when talking to people, but since he's rather famous and (kinda out of my league attractiveness wise) I'm unsure whether it would actually work. He might be super aware of crazy fangirls ect. 

Don't take offense to this, but I don't think I'm "dumb" because I would do this (I don't think you are either.)  I also don't consider myself a fan girl.   

My advice would be to treat him as you would any other man that you might meet in such a situation (keeping @BlueStarr 's advice in mind about inviting him to a public event rather than something private.)   Try to get it out of your head that he's "out of your league" because that will only cause you to freeze when you try to speak to him.  

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Just now, Audrey822 said:

Don't take offense to this, but I don't think I'm "dumb" because I would do this (I don't think you are either.)  I also don't consider myself a fan girl.   

My advice would be to treat him as you would any other man that you might meet in such a situation (keeping @BlueStarr 's advice in mind about inviting him to a public event rather than something private.)   Try to get it out of your head that he's "out of your league" because that will only cause you to freeze when you try to speak to him.  

Thank you!! That's exactly how I feel, I don't consider myself a fangirl, for I don't really follow the things he make or watch it or whatever. I just happened to see him once and I just fell for him. Would asking to go for a cup of coffee too private? I'm trying to think what I could ask him about, since I'm mostly only going to see my friend, do xmas shopping and mainly to try meet him, I'll have to think of why I'm at the park lol

I'll try not to :) If I just wear some great clothes I usually have more confidence. 

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8 minutes ago, Helpme26 said:

Thank you!! That's exactly how I feel, I don't consider myself a fangirl, for I don't really follow the things he make or watch it or whatever. I just happened to see him once and I just fell for him. Would asking to go for a cup of coffee too private? I'm trying to think what I could ask him about, since I'm mostly only going to see my friend, do xmas shopping and mainly to try meet him, I'll have to think of why I'm at the park lol

I'll try not to :) If I just wear some great clothes I usually have more confidence. 

That's probably what I would do to be honest.  I'm assuming you're speaking of going to a coffee shop, so it is a public place. To me it seems like an innocent enough thing...an innocent thing that could lead something more, after you'd get to know each other better....hopefully.  

One word of caution though:  I agree with what @BlueStarr told you a couple of days ago....there's nothing wrong with traveling to see a CO, but only if you can afford it.  Don't do this if it will take all the money you have.  Be reasonable about it. 

Edited by Audrey822

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Just now, Audrey822 said:

That's probably what I would do to be honest.  I'm assuming you're speaking of going to a coffee shop, so it is a public place. To me it seems like an innocent enough thing...an innocent thing that could lead something more, after you'd get to know each other better....hopefully.  

Yes, a coffee shop, that's what I thought about. I'm hoping it would work. I have looked too much around the internet and it says guys gets turned off by being asked out by girls as it can come off as aggressive, so I hope things will turn out okay, and that he will just see ti as an innocent invitation. Which it would be. 

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Just now, Helpme26 said:

Yes, a coffee shop, that's what I thought about. I'm hoping it would work. I have looked too much around the internet and it says guys gets turned off by being asked out by girls as it can come off as aggressive, so I hope things will turn out okay, and that he will just see ti as an innocent invitation. Which it would be. 

Don't forget to check out my edit to the post you just replied to.   As for Internet advice, it's good only to a point.  Some sites will say it's OK, others will say it's not, and you'll just be confused.  Assess the situation when you're in it, and trust your own instincts. 

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On 12/1/2017 at 6:19 PM, Helpme26 said:

@cornflakegirl I hope you find something out with your therapist, but always remember it's a loooooooooong and tedious process. It's really hard and it will also be hard to tell them for the first time. 

I have met my CO and I've talked with him before, it only seemed to make me that much more depressed because I was too shy and didn't say all the things I had planned (or asked him out) and now I feel like I missed an opportunity. So I feel my obsession has become even stronger. 
 

How do you guys cope with having husbands? Do you love them? Or do you love your CO's more? I can't seem to open up my heart for someone else. :( Yet I feel so lonely all the time - I definitely think that my CO is filling the void that I feel like I'm unlovable, I've only had bad relationships before and I used to be treated like dirt by guys. Then there's him who's this perfect english gentleman, who I met and seems as perfect and loving irl. And I'm just... devastated that I can't be with him. 

 

@Helpme26

For me, I know that my love for my husband is true love because I get to see my husband on his best days AND his worst days, and he's seen me at my best and at my worst....and we are still willing to put up with each other, lol!  I have known him for so long that I know him very well and I love his heart....he buys me flowers when I am feeling down without me asking for Pete's sake!  When it comes to marrying a good guy, I think I got really lucky! He makes me want to take care of him, even when he's making silly jokes and being a goof ball... but that's not to say that he doesn't drive me up the wall crazy sometimes!  But that is what living and sharing a life with another person is like...you get to see them in all of their messy glory.  I can't do that with my CO...for my CO, its definitely more of an escapist fantasy and I focus a lot more on the superficial stuff because that is all I have to work with.  I don't know how he is when he's alone with his close family or friends since I am not part of his circle...I don't get to see his true colors since he's still technically a total stranger.  So in answer to your question, I love my husband more because he is actually in my life and we are very close emotionally, physically, and spiritually...however, I am "deeply in lust" with my CO...again, since the only things I have to go on are the things he says in interviews, social media, and of course his films, TV shows, and other things, I fill in the rest with my imagination....and of course I spend a LOT of time just looking at his gorgeous pictures....I just think he's very physically attractive.  Which is not to say that my husband is not physically attractive to me, because he is....which is why this obsession thing is so unfair to my hubby.  He can't compete with someone like my CO...but I don't want to stop this either.  As I stated previously, I just want to get it under better control.

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On 12/1/2017 at 6:53 PM, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

For me, meeting COs just to get a photo with them has become like a hobby for me. I have no expectations of ever forming a real life relationship with a CO, so all I really want is to see them up close and get a photo with them. I met a former CO three times and I think that was enough for me. They were all cool experiences, but it's such a blur and it goes by so fast. I had to meet him three times before I was able to utter a coherent sentence to him. lol So since I'm satisfied with that, now I have plans to meet two other COs who I haven't met yet. That will happen about two months from now, so I haven't started to get nervous or excited just yet. But having the actual meet and greet passes in my hand actually makes me feel less obsessed because I'm like "Ok great, I'll meet them and get a photo and my goal will be accomplished." But I guess since I knew that I would be achieving my goal of meeting two of them soon, I had to start obsessing over someone else who I can't meet right now, and that person has become the one who I obsess over and think about all the time instead of the guys who I know I'll actually be meeting soon. Funny how that works!

@HopelessRomantic2011

That is very amusing, lol!  I am hoping that I can meet my CO someday....I mean, what the hell not, if the opportunity presents itself!  Life is too short, right! LOL!!

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On 12/1/2017 at 10:55 PM, Audrey822 said:

It's been 50 years now, not 45...LOL  

Let me tell you a little more about my story so you'll understand.  I was raised by a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I was emotionally abused.  There's so much I could say about that, but the relevant thing for the purpose of replying to you is, I created an alter ego...I became like two different people.  The "me" functioning in the real world, and another version of myself who I could transform into anything I wanted her to be in my imagination....and I had an excellent imagination.  Still do.  My alter ego would be able to do anything and everything I couldn't do, and would never do as the result of being held back and manipulated by a selfish mother.  My alter ego was perfect in every way, and she was beautiful in ways I would never be.  And when I first saw my CO back in 1967, I was too young for him...but my AE was not.  So, saw the two of them as a couple in my imagination and (hold on, we're going to Crazy Town...fasten your seat belt)  I married them in my imagination in 1968.  Keep in mind that while this was going on, I was 12 years old.  

My CO is a member of a late 1960s band who had a string of hits and recorded a few albums, then fell off the face of the earth 5 years later.  For another 11 years, I heard nothing of the band or of him...until they came to my town for one night to do a concert in 1983.  Then another 16 years went by before I decided to look him up on the Internet and found him...didn't like what I saw, so I just signed off and forgot about that for another 14 years.  The point of all this is, news of my CO was missing from my life for most of over 40 years.  

That didn't matter though.  He was still a part of my life because my AE was always a part of my life.  I needed her, and she was married to him.  I kept her last name as his last name all those years.  I said above that I could have transformed my AE into anything I wanted her to be.  I could have divorced her from my missing CO with the blink of my eye if I'd wanted to...she could have been married to any other celebrity who was popular during the 70s, 80s and 90s.  But it never occurred to me to ditch him, and I never questioned it even though I heard no news about him for all that time.  I know why now.  It's because I always loved him.  I could never have given him up...you might as well ask me to cut out my left eye.  I could never do it.  I've always loved him. 

In 2013 I found his music again after not having it for a little more than 30 years.  All of his music was on vinyl from back in the day....when I got married, vinyl records were already on the way out, cassettes were the thing in the 70s and then CDs were the thing in the 80s and 90s.  This band's music catalog was never released on either cassette  or CDs all that time, and believe me....I was looking for it.  Every time I went to a store that sold cassettes or CDs, I was looking.  But one day in 2013, I found their music on iTunes.  And that's when I became over-the-top obsessed again.  I started poking around on the Internet and a few months later, I learned the information that sent me into deep depression and made me feel betrayed.  He had been married to two other women, one for a brief time in the 60s...he divorced her, and then married another woman in the late 60s, and divorced her in the 1980s.  But in my mind, he was never supposed to be married to anyone other than my alter ego.  You would never guess I could think this way if you knew me in real life.  I'm not a delusional person.  I've achieved quite a few successes in my life.  I can function.  But this....this just took me down.  Because the little secret that no one knew was....every day while I was functioning with all that other stuff, I had another life going on in my imagination.  And in that other life, my was married to my alter ego.   And my alter ego was basically a more perfect version of me.  I came to realize I felt like I had been married to him for all that time, and it felt like he'd cheated on me.  I couldn't recover.  I still haven't recovered.  And the news has only gotten worse.  I can't even say it (look through the thread.  May 22. If you find it, please don't mention it...I do my best to ignore it.  Thank you. :hugs:)  

You asked about my husband.  I never intended to stay single in spite of what was going on in my imagination.  I needed to get out of that house for one thing.  When I began dating, my CO was already in that information dead zone....he was already missing.  When I got married, he'd been missing 5 years already.  I didn't know if I'd ever see or hear anything about him again (except in my imagination.)  When I made my first post here, I said I'm married to a good man.  So much has changed since then, and I've learned so much more about myself since then.  I was so naive.  It's probably not wrong for me to say he's a good man, but he's not and never was the right man for me.  That said, I love my children more than anything else in the world.  They're both grown men of over 28 years old now, one is expecting a daughter of his own in February.  << I can't wait for that.  

For the record, I don't necessarily think it's creepy if someone were to talk to me while I'm walking my dog...so I don't see why your CO would think so.  It would all depend on how you approach him and what you would say.  If you kept it friendly and light, I don't know why that would seem creepy (it wouldn't.)  Then, look for another opportunity to say something catchy again on another day....and so on and so forth.  Pretty soon you'd at least be friends.  

@Audrey822

Thank you for sharing your story...I found parts of myself in your story as far as being able to hold down your responsibilities and still have this fantasy life on the side that no one knows about...that is so me!  I can relate to that a lot.  I have used my "secret life" as a very poor coping mechanism to help me deal with highly stressful situations and as a distraction from things that I find unpleasant.  But I also indulge in it when I am in a good mood, so go figure!  

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On 12/2/2017 at 11:19 AM, imalittleteapot said:

Welcome @cornflakegirl and @Helpme26 I'm so glad you are here, and glad to read your stories! I can relate a lot to the bolded.

As far as dating or marrying- In my case, developing CO's happened to me AFTER I was married for many years, and when I started to feel a little lack of spark, boredom, my kids getting older, feeling kind of unaccomplished, and a 'nobody' like you had said. 

I never cared much for celebrities before. I had a few fun crushes on actors or musicians, but just the normal healthy kind, where you want to watch all of their movies and TV shows WITH your significant other, and you don't actually feel 'in love' with the celebrity more than your own significant other. I even remember seeing a HUGE superstar celebrity in person at my husband's brother's college graduation, where he came to give a speech years ago. Everyone else was going crazy in the bleachers, cheering, and I was thinking -"Oh. Cool! It's (Celeb's Name.) Gee, he's tall." I wasn't into that particular guy very much. I thought I was immune to caring about celebs. I was so wrong, because this year happened. :( I saw a movie I'd been so excited about, fell hard for the actors' portrayals of my favorite fictional characters, and became completely infatuated with one guy in particular.

I feel no judgment toward you, @Helpme26. Who with a CO has never had a fantasy of meeting your CO on a dog walk? I agree with the others. Spending money on going to London just for the purpose of seeing him isn't a good or healthy thing. Going to London just for the sake of visiting London should be valued on its own! :)

I'm the opposite, I don't care or WANT to know where my CO is at any moment. I never want to run into him, for fear of swooning and keeling over instead of acting nice and normal! I only know that he flies all over the world lately- London, Australia, Europe, Asia, and of course NYC and LA/Hollywood, where he probably is most of the time, and his home state. I highly doubt he'd visit my area unless it's some filming location. (my area was a locale for a few films in the past!)

There was one case where he posted a selfie in the same landmark that I did a few years before, but that was a well known theme park- practically half of the US has been there. Still, I couldn't help feeling all warm and fuzzy about having been in the exact same place!

Anyway, glad to see you here, HelpMe26 and cornflakegirl. This is a judgment-free thread, and we should all be allowed to vent here. I'm glad you are going to see counselors. Our family doesn't have good insurance, so I can't see a counselor right now. However, I have an opportunity to join a recovery group at my local church. I'm trying to work up the courage to join! It's geared towards all kinds of addictions, like alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping. For me, it would be my addiction to the Internet, my fanfiction reading and writing habit, (which is affecting my real life negatively because I'd rather read/write "movie fic" than real original books which I could have success in!), and getting over the CO.

Note- A technical issue with this site- Remember to copy your posts here, because I always get logged out before submitting replies. It only allows you to be logged in for 5 minutes or so. At least it is with my computer.

 

@imalittleteapot

It's funny you mention that your CO started after getting married....my current one started around the same time I started dating my now husband, lol!  I think the fantasy life I have with my CO helps me cope when my husband is driving me nuts, lol!  Plus, I'll just say that some of the ideas I have with my CO helps in terms of maintaining intimacy with my husband...so, it isn't all bad and is one of the reasons why I don't want to completely give up my CO life...it has become the easiest and quickest way for me to get ready for "couple time" with the hubby.  Does anyone else here do the same thing?  I am trying to keep it as PG-13 as possible because I don't want to get kicked out of here but without getting into details, I have used my CO as a way to "prepare" myself....which again, sometimes makes me feel bad because I feel like I am "cheating" on my husband by thinking about another man like this!  It never ends, lol!

Forgot to add:  

I know what you mean about getting the "warm and fuzzies" from being in the same place as your CO....it is exciting knowing that you are at the same place that they were at, even if it was a long while ago. :-)

I am glad that you are able to find a work around for some kind of support group to help you deal with your CO.  It might be worth it to at least see how it is and find out if you would be comfortable sharing your story with the group.  

Edited by cornflakegirl

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There is nothing wrong with being a "little chubby." In fact, a lot of men prefer women who have a little meat on them, contrary to what the fake media tells you. In any case, beauty is a subjective thing, so just be yourself and don't worry about being "chubby." You don't know if he might prefer chubby to thin.

In my opinion, I think a shared activity, (like mini golf or public chess), might be better to invite him to for the first time. Asking someone for coffee might seem innocent, but anyone experienced can see through it very easily, and he would certainly know you are trying to date him. If you could manage something more public first, and then coffee after that, it might work better. I agree with those who said that treating him like an everyday person would be the best way to get to know him. You can let him know that you know who he is, but try not to act like it's a BIG deal. Talk to him about shared interests and normal stuff, rather than focusing on his celebrity status. Also, if he likes you, he would try to arrange to see you again, so it might be easier to figure out than you think. :smile:

Edited by BlueStarr

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On 4/12/2017 at 8:19 PM, cornflakegirl said:

@Helpme26

For me, I know that my love for my husband is true love because I get to see my husband on his best days AND his worst days, and he's seen me at my best and at my worst....and we are still willing to put up with each other, lol!  I have known him for so long that I know him very well and I love his heart....he buys me flowers when I am feeling down without me asking for Pete's sake!  When it comes to marrying a good guy, I think I got really lucky! He makes me want to take care of him, even when he's making silly jokes and being a goof ball... but that's not to say that he doesn't drive me up the wall crazy sometimes!  But that is what living and sharing a life with another person is like...you get to see them in all of their messy glory.  I can't do that with my CO...for my CO, its definitely more of an escapist fantasy and I focus a lot more on the superficial stuff because that is all I have to work with.  I don't know how he is when he's alone with his close family or friends since I am not part of his circle...I don't get to see his true colors since he's still technically a total stranger.  So in answer to your question, I love my husband more because he is actually in my life and we are very close emotionally, physically, and spiritually...however, I am "deeply in lust" with my CO...again, since the only things I have to go on are the things he says in interviews, social media, and of course his films, TV shows, and other things, I fill in the rest with my imagination....and of course I spend a LOT of time just looking at his gorgeous pictures....I just think he's very physically attractive.  Which is not to say that my husband is not physically attractive to me, because he is....which is why this obsession thing is so unfair to my hubby.  He can't compete with someone like my CO...but I don't want to stop this either.  As I stated previously, I just want to get it under better control.

I'm really glad that you have your husband as your rock and solid support! It's hopefully something I can get in the future; if I'm not gonna be really lucky when going to see if I can meet my CO and ask him out lol! In any case, I'm glad you're lucky to have him. I agree, I think the trouble with a CO is that you don't get to see all the negative sides they have, but then again, I know when I think about all the negative sides he could have, I wouldn't actually mind. I'm so in love with this man, it's scary. I totally get where you're coming from. I think the one I'm crushing on is very physically attractive as well - which can be intimidating at times. I just don't look at pictures of him ect. I hope you can get it under control in one way or another, it must be frustrating to have a husband that you love so deeply, yet being so absolutely physically attracted to someone else. I wish I could help you get it under control! 

 

On 5/12/2017 at 0:22 AM, BlueStarr said:

There is nothing wrong with being a "little chubby." In fact, a lot of men prefer women who have a little meat on them, contrary to what the fake media tells you. In any case, beauty is a subjective thing, so just be yourself and don't worry about being "chubby." You don't know if he might prefer chubby to thin.

In my opinion, I think a shared activity, (like mini golf or public chess), might be better to invite him to for the first time. Asking someone for coffee might seem innocent, but anyone experienced can see through it very easily, and he would certainly know you are trying to date him. If you could manage something more public first, and then coffee after that, it might work better. I agree with those who said that treating him like an everyday person would be the best way to get to know him. You can let him know that you know who he is, but try not to act like it's a BIG deal. Talk to him about shared interests and normal stuff, rather than focusing on his celebrity status. Also, if he likes you, he would try to arrange to see you again, so it might be easier to figure out than you think. :smile:

Uhh, yes. I'll have to get into the right mindset ! It's just very intimidating when he's so - to me - amazingly attractive.

I'll definitely not focus on his celebrity status, but in the back of my mind I'm a little like: he probably won't want to see me again, because he's probably aware of who he dates and meet up with ect. because of his status. if you get what I mean? Like, if I was in his shoes, I probably wouldn't just go out with someone randomly in fear that they would say something to the media or something - which I wouldn't!! At all. I respect every inch of him. I just want to get to know him. 

I really appreciate your insights!! I'll definitely ask him for something a little more innocent first. What about a walk? If he's walking his dog, I could maybe ask him if he and the dog would like to join me for a walk one of the days? I'll probably be really good at acting like he's just another person. My only fear is how I will react if he rejects, not that I would react badly, but hopefully I can wait with the crying till he's not looking lolol. 

I'm not sure if he would try to arrange something with me if he liked me, he is a very shy person. But I'll have to see I guess! I'm just gonna breathe deeply and remember that hopefully this is the only way that either 1# something could happen between us or 2# a way for me to realise it's never gonna happen and hopefully move on. Even though it might sting for a while.  

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Hi guys. It's been a while since I was last here. That's not true actually. For the last few months, I've visited this forum, wrote long essays, but never actually posted them. But I have to get this out now. 

My CO's missus released a trashy  clothing line and after saying that she'd designed them and worked for nine hours on some of them, someone found that most of the clothes were identical to clothes on a Chinese website. I thought, finally, we've nailed her and my CO'll wake up to her poison. The outcome of this was her business partners releasing a statement about it whereas she never even had to address it. 

My CO married her today. There were rumours it was happening and I couldn't believe it or I didn't want to believe it until he said. They both posted the same tweet confirming it. 

He looks happy in the pictures and she's smiling too. But it's so unfair that she gets away with anything she wants because of him. 

I'm devastated. Today I went for a lumbar puncture and I wanted something in my procedure to go wrong so badly that I would just never leave that hospital bed. 

I'm physically in pain, emotionally numb and mentally mental.

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1 hour ago, sv14 said:

Hi guys. It's been a while since I was last here. That's not true actually. For the last few months, I've visited this forum, wrote long essays, but never actually posted them. But I have to get this out now. 

My CO's missus released a trashy  clothing line and after saying that she'd designed them and worked for nine hours on some of them, someone found that most of the clothes were identical to clothes on a Chinese website. I thought, finally, we've nailed her and my CO'll wake up to her poison. The outcome of this was her business partners releasing a statement about it whereas she never even had to address it. 

My CO married her today. There were rumours it was happening and I couldn't believe it or I didn't want to believe it until he said. They both posted the same tweet confirming it. 

He looks happy in the pictures and she's smiling too. But it's so unfair that she gets away with anything she wants because of him. 

I'm devastated. Today I went for a lumbar puncture and I wanted something in my procedure to go wrong so badly that I would just never leave that hospital bed. 

I'm physically in pain, emotionally numb and mentally mental.

I am so sorry.  I understand your devastation, completely.  Let me know if you would like to chat/talk.  Is there anything to take your mind off this, while you're healing?  I sure hope so.  I send Big hugs.  (((sv14)))  :console:

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On 12/2/2017 at 11:24 PM, Audrey822 said:

I know you didn't address this to me, but I have to say it anyway. 

Of all the reasons that I could list why I might not have lived my life for ME...exactly the way *I* might have wanted to if there had been no one demanding anything of me, my CO would not be among those reasons.  My CO was certainly not one of the people demanding anything of me (I only wish he could have been…) He never stopped me from doing anything I wanted to do. In fact, it’s because of him that I’m able to sit here and write this post to you because I’m sure I wouldn’t have survived what I had to endure if not for him.  Fantasies of my CO never stopped me from doing anything I wanted or needed to do.  I've covered this many times....I managed my fantasy time well.  I graduated from high school, college (almost with honors), managed two careers — one before I attended college and another after.  I got married and raised two children to adulthood…they’re both on their own, one is married and expecting a child of his own.  The point being, when I had a job to do, I did it.  I didn’t let the fantasy take over my life.  But when I needed an escape (for whatever reason….and there were reasons for almost my entire life) I went to that fantasy, which is as much about my alter ego as my CO.  When I finally got around to analyzing my life, about 17 days after signing up here, that was when I realized….my alter ego IS me, only much better.  Of course it was me who was/is in love with my CO, and has been all along…but he never interfered with anything in my life.  He made my life infinitely better.  Always and forever.  He still does.  :icon12:

Hey Audrey,

Hope you are well.  I just wanted to post, that you're lucky that somewhere in your brain there wasn't a glitch that turned ALL of your attention, needs, dreams, wants, desires, on your CO.  None of us wants to be this way.  Especially not me, I'm just speaking for those who can't Stop thinking about their CO, and their CO is taking up all of their time and attention and interfering with their lives.  I'm so happy for you.  But I emphathize with those whose lives are being affected by their CO/celeb crush.  It's kind of tormenting.   It is torture.  I just wanted to post this.  But in no way am I saying you don't understand.  You've been warm and kind towards me and allowed me to confide in you -- and I am grateful for your kindness and sensitivity.  :hugs:

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