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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support

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26 minutes ago, cornflakegirl said:

@Helpme26:

I hope that the therapist can help me too...but if possible, it might be helpful for you too to talk it out with a professional when it is financially viable to do so.  I am only able to do it because I am prior military and I have access to the Veteran's Affair's health care system which is a lot cheaper.  

As for trying to meet up with your CO....I've had some brushes with that as well.  I grew up in southern California, which afforded quite a few opportunities to meet celebrities. I have actually met a few of my celebrity crushes and at least one of my obsessions and it was incredible!  I found that shortly after I met them, my obsession would end within the next year because I achieved my ultimate goal and after that, the magic kind of went with it.  I met one of my previous CO's at an autograph signing for a child actor audition and the other at an autograph signing at a music store.  The opportunities presented themselves and I went when I had the chance, lol!  I have a desire to meet my current CO too, but I don't have any expectations beyond getting an autograph (and if I dare wish it - a picture taken with him!) but I wouldn't count on even get THAT far with it....

I often wonder why I can't be happy with what I have right now.  What is it about my particular psychology that makes me be this way?  I hope my appointment with my therapist will be a starting point for me to figure some of this stuff out.

For me, meeting COs just to get a photo with them has become like a hobby for me. I have no expectations of ever forming a real life relationship with a CO, so all I really want is to see them up close and get a photo with them. I met a former CO three times and I think that was enough for me. They were all cool experiences, but it's such a blur and it goes by so fast. I had to meet him three times before I was able to utter a coherent sentence to him. lol So since I'm satisfied with that, now I have plans to meet two other COs who I haven't met yet. That will happen about two months from now, so I haven't started to get nervous or excited just yet. But having the actual meet and greet passes in my hand actually makes me feel less obsessed because I'm like "Ok great, I'll meet them and get a photo and my goal will be accomplished." But I guess since I knew that I would be achieving my goal of meeting two of them soon, I had to start obsessing over someone else who I can't meet right now, and that person has become the one who I obsess over and think about all the time instead of the guys who I know I'll actually be meeting soon. Funny how that works!

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Urgh. I'm having one of those nights where I continuously think and think about what to do and how to meet my CO. How should I approach him, how will I find him and will he talk to me? 

 

Is there anyone who has any ideas of how to distract your mind? rn I'm just in that dellusional state where I think It's gonna happen. 

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2 hours ago, Helpme26 said:

I appreciate your words, you guys are really kind. But whenever someone says "You never know, it could happen, or - he might find the letter charming." It brings fuel to the fire and I officially begin to think again: Oh yeah, maybe I could be with him. 

Disregard what I said. You know your own personal situation better than I do. Believe it or not, I have reached rock bottom over my own CO (you can glance through my posting history if you want, and I'll edit in a link to my first post here...edit:https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/40244-unhealthy-obsession-with-a-celebrity-please-help/?page=284&tab=comments#comment-1296705 )  

You say that you have told two therapists about this, but I take it they haven't been able to offer much of a solution? The only thing I can possibly suggest to you is that you continue to seek professional help until someone takes this issue seriously enough to give you a plan. Unfortunately, the awareness and information just isn't out there. No one seems to know what to do about unrequited love, which is what this is. 

 

Edited by posie_riot

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I'll have a read through your first post in a moment. Right now I'm too busy crying over the fact that my CO will never be mine.

 

I know it's weird isn't it? I would have hoped there was a solution, or that I knew for 120% certainty that I'll never be with him. But Rn I'm in a mix between - of course I'll never be with him - and the whole: just keep trying and you'll get what you want! 

Yes I told both my therapists. They haven't done much about it because it's mainly a group therapy thing, and I told them outside of the group because I wasn't sure I could tell the others in the group. They just keep telling me, that this is group therapy and they can't help me individually. Which sucks, because honestly, I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them in the group. Since they're not professionals like them, I'm afraid they'll think I'm absolutely crazy. And I'm so embarrassed by feeling this way. 

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6 hours ago, Helpme26 said:

@Audrey822 Wow, I really feel with you. That's a heavy post. 45+ years is absolutely wild, I don't know how you have coped with it so far. Do you mind me asking how you feel about your husband and children? I always have this thought in my head that says I won't ever be able to have children and love them because if they're not a part of my CO then I don't ever think I would love my future children. 

I totally understand where you're going with it. This is just so much more than a simple celebrity crush. I've always felt so connected with him even though he doesn't even know me. I model my whole life after what I think he would like, and had I not told my therapists or found this board, I would also have taken it to the grave. How have you been able to cope with it for so many years? Have you never wanted to get rid of it? I really want to both get rid of this, because it's a hopeless dead end for me, and I'm not allowing any potential men into my life - and like I said, I don't feel like I could ever start a family, for if it's not with him, then I wouldn't be truly happy. 

Yeah I know I shouldn't use the money I don't have.. but I have no idea how to stop myself. I just keep taking student loans and then I can afford going to london for a few days and hang around in the area where he's been spotted recently in hopes of meeting him. 

I really want to go though. I keep making up scenarios in my head and thinking: alright, if you do this, say that and then do this. So you won't miss your chance. But I mean, it's a little creepy I guess if someone would hit on you while you would be walking your dog. Especially him being so self-aware of his status, and who is probably aware of crazy fangirls

It's been 50 years now, not 45...LOL  

Let me tell you a little more about my story so you'll understand.  I was raised by a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I was emotionally abused.  There's so much I could say about that, but the relevant thing for the purpose of replying to you is, I created an alter ego...I became like two different people.  The "me" functioning in the real world, and another version of myself who I could transform into anything I wanted her to be in my imagination....and I had an excellent imagination.  Still do.  My alter ego would be able to do anything and everything I couldn't do, and would never do as the result of being held back and manipulated by a selfish mother.  My alter ego was perfect in every way, and she was beautiful in ways I would never be.  And when I first saw my CO back in 1967, I was too young for him...but my AE was not.  So, saw the two of them as a couple in my imagination and (hold on, we're going to Crazy Town...fasten your seat belt)  I married them in my imagination in 1968.  Keep in mind that while this was going on, I was 12 years old.  

My CO is a member of a late 1960s band who had a string of hits and recorded a few albums, then fell off the face of the earth 5 years later.  For another 11 years, I heard nothing of the band or of him...until they came to my town for one night to do a concert in 1983.  Then another 16 years went by before I decided to look him up on the Internet and found him...didn't like what I saw, so I just signed off and forgot about that for another 14 years.  The point of all this is, news of my CO was missing from my life for most of over 40 years.  

That didn't matter though.  He was still a part of my life because my AE was always a part of my life.  I needed her, and she was married to him.  I kept her last name as his last name all those years.  I said above that I could have transformed my AE into anything I wanted her to be.  I could have divorced her from my missing CO with the blink of my eye if I'd wanted to...she could have been married to any other celebrity who was popular during the 70s, 80s and 90s.  But it never occurred to me to ditch him, and I never questioned it even though I heard no news about him for all that time.  I know why now.  It's because I always loved him.  I could never have given him up...you might as well ask me to cut out my left eye.  I could never do it.  I've always loved him. 

In 2013 I found his music again after not having it for a little more than 30 years.  All of his music was on vinyl from back in the day....when I got married, vinyl records were already on the way out, cassettes were the thing in the 70s and then CDs were the thing in the 80s and 90s.  This band's music catalog was never released on either cassette  or CDs all that time, and believe me....I was looking for it.  Every time I went to a store that sold cassettes or CDs, I was looking.  But one day in 2013, I found their music on iTunes.  And that's when I became over-the-top obsessed again.  I started poking around on the Internet and a few months later, I learned the information that sent me into deep depression and made me feel betrayed.  He had been married to two other women, one for a brief time in the 60s...he divorced her, and then married another woman in the late 60s, and divorced her in the 1980s.  But in my mind, he was never supposed to be married to anyone other than my alter ego.  You would never guess I could think this way if you knew me in real life.  I'm not a delusional person.  I've achieved quite a few successes in my life.  I can function.  But this....this just took me down.  Because the little secret that no one knew was....every day while I was functioning with all that other stuff, I had another life going on in my imagination.  And in that other life, my was married to my alter ego.   And my alter ego was basically a more perfect version of me.  I came to realize I felt like I had been married to him for all that time, and it felt like he'd cheated on me.  I couldn't recover.  I still haven't recovered.  And the news has only gotten worse.  I can't even say it (look through the thread.  May 22. If you find it, please don't mention it...I do my best to ignore it.  Thank you. :hugs:)  

You asked about my husband.  I never intended to stay single in spite of what was going on in my imagination.  I needed to get out of that house for one thing.  When I began dating, my CO was already in that information dead zone....he was already missing.  When I got married, he'd been missing 5 years already.  I didn't know if I'd ever see or hear anything about him again (except in my imagination.)  When I made my first post here, I said I'm married to a good man.  So much has changed since then, and I've learned so much more about myself since then.  I was so naive.  It's probably not wrong for me to say he's a good man, but he's not and never was the right man for me.  That said, I love my children more than anything else in the world.  They're both grown men of over 28 years old now, one is expecting a daughter of his own in February.  << I can't wait for that.  

For the record, I don't necessarily think it's creepy if someone were to talk to me while I'm walking my dog...so I don't see why your CO would think so.  It would all depend on how you approach him and what you would say.  If you kept it friendly and light, I don't know why that would seem creepy (it wouldn't.)  Then, look for another opportunity to say something catchy again on another day....and so on and so forth.  Pretty soon you'd at least be friends.  

Edited by Audrey822

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2 hours ago, posie_riot said:

You say that you have told two therapists about this, but I take it they haven't been able to offer much of a solution? The only thing I can possibly suggest to you is that you continue to seek professional help until someone takes this issue seriously enough to give you a plan. Unfortunately, the awareness and information just isn't out there. No one seems to know what to do about unrequited love, which is what this is. 

 

I was blessed with a good therapist ... I know you know this story, but I'm going to repeat it here for @Helpme26 

I told her on the first day not to even try to make me give up my CO because that wasn't going to happen.  She told me we would always be working toward my goals, not hers.  Not that she didn't get under my skin at times.  But @posie_riot 's right....they don't understand this issue fully.  I don't think my therapist focused on the celebrity aspect of it because he's not a major celebrity.  Looking back on it, I think she did approach it as an unrequited love issue.  But her response to me when I told her about my CO ... that's what made her a good therapist.  That we were always working toward my goals.  Unfortunately I was so nervous to be talking about my CO to someone face to face for the first time in 47 years, I kept tripping over my words and not making myself clear...therefore, since she wasn't a mind reader, we were getting my goals mixed up and failing miserably at first.  That was completely my fault.  And on one occasion she was trying to get me to see the wisdom in accepting something I did not think was in my best interest to accept.  That was when I found my voice and said "Um...remember when you told me we're working toward MY goals??  I will not be accepting this."  Good therapist that she is, she backed off of it.  Not one word was spoken of that ever again.  Find a therapist who will treat you like this.  I would recommend this woman to anyone who lived in my city.   She's excellent.  I wish she could be cloned so all of you could have a good therapy experience.  :hugs:

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Welcome @Helpme26 and @cornflakegirl. I can relate a lot to both of your stories as I also have a long history with this issue (I have had an intense obsession with one particular celebrity for 7 years and counting, and a few other quite major obsessions before that). You have both made a very brave decision in starting therapy for this, and I hope it will give you the help you need.

@Helpme26 What you said about needing your CO in order to feel like "somebody" particularly hit home. Not so long ago, I was also in the position where my whole identity and sense of self seemed to revolve around my CO. 

It's not easy, but it is possible to start living your life for YOU. Distraction has been key for me. I have social anxiety so it can be difficult to put myself out there, but just spending more time with other people has definitely been the best method of getting out of my own head and connecting with the real world. Even just reading a book is a really helpful way of forgetting any CO-related problems for a while, I find.

I hope you will find some peace of mind soon. 😊

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17 hours ago, cornflakegirl said:

Thanks for the reply @Helpme26! :-) 

My husband knows about "the other man in my life" that is my CO but I still make every effort possible to spend as much time with my husband because he is a really loving guy and I would probably be in deeper trouble without him in my life.  I make my husband my top priority and try not to flaunt my obsession too much in front of him.  But when I am alone, my CO takes over and sometimes it makes me feel worse because I am wasting time and energy on a person that I can never be with.  

There have been some occasions where I have found myself crying over this too....it's insane!  Like, when I try to give myself a break from my obsession, I feel like I am "breaking up" with my CO as if he's my boyfriend! It's ridiculous because this man doesn't even know I am alive! Meanwhile, I have a loving husband whose crazy about me and wants to spend time with me.  It's not fair to my husband. Even he doesn't understand the depth of this obsession and believe me, it goes a LOT deeper than I am willing to discuss even here.  But it helps to even see other people dealing with the same thing.  And I agree with it making the depression worse...after you get down from that high and have to face your reality again, it just crushes the spirit.....but then I see his face again, and the process starts all over again.

I saw this thread pop up on an internet search on how to deal with celebrity obsessions and this website thread popped up...I was surprised to see that it was still current, which is what prompted me to post today.    

Welcome @cornflakegirl and @Helpme26 I'm so glad you are here, and glad to read your stories! I can relate a lot to the bolded.

As far as dating or marrying- In my case, developing CO's happened to me AFTER I was married for many years, and when I started to feel a little lack of spark, boredom, my kids getting older, feeling kind of unaccomplished, and a 'nobody' like you had said. 

I never cared much for celebrities before. I had a few fun crushes on actors or musicians, but just the normal healthy kind, where you want to watch all of their movies and TV shows WITH your significant other, and you don't actually feel 'in love' with the celebrity more than your own significant other. I even remember seeing a HUGE superstar celebrity in person at my husband's brother's college graduation, where he came to give a speech years ago. Everyone else was going crazy in the bleachers, cheering, and I was thinking -"Oh. Cool! It's (Celeb's Name.) Gee, he's tall." I wasn't into that particular guy very much. I thought I was immune to caring about celebs. I was so wrong, because this year happened. :( I saw a movie I'd been so excited about, fell hard for the actors' portrayals of my favorite fictional characters, and became completely infatuated with one guy in particular.

I feel no judgment toward you, @Helpme26. Who with a CO has never had a fantasy of meeting your CO on a dog walk? I agree with the others. Spending money on going to London just for the purpose of seeing him isn't a good or healthy thing. Going to London just for the sake of visiting London should be valued on its own! :)

I'm the opposite, I don't care or WANT to know where my CO is at any moment. I never want to run into him, for fear of swooning and keeling over instead of acting nice and normal! I only know that he flies all over the world lately- London, Australia, Europe, Asia, and of course NYC and LA/Hollywood, where he probably is most of the time, and his home state. I highly doubt he'd visit my area unless it's some filming location. (my area was a locale for a few films in the past!)

There was one case where he posted a selfie in the same landmark that I did a few years before, but that was a well known theme park- practically half of the US has been there. Still, I couldn't help feeling all warm and fuzzy about having been in the exact same place!

Anyway, glad to see you here, HelpMe26 and cornflakegirl. This is a judgment-free thread, and we should all be allowed to vent here. I'm glad you are going to see counselors. Our family doesn't have good insurance, so I can't see a counselor right now. However, I have an opportunity to join a recovery group at my local church. I'm trying to work up the courage to join! It's geared towards all kinds of addictions, like alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping. For me, it would be my addiction to the Internet, my fanfiction reading and writing habit, (which is affecting my real life negatively because I'd rather read/write "movie fic" than real original books which I could have success in!), and getting over the CO.

Note- A technical issue with this site- Remember to copy your posts here, because I always get logged out before submitting replies. It only allows you to be logged in for 5 minutes or so. At least it is with my computer.

 

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@imalittleteapot Joining the recovery group at your church sounds like a good idea. Let us know how you get on, if you do decide to go.

And ugh... I have the exact same problem with this site. I write really slowly, and sometimes I've forgotten to copy my posts. It's so annoying, especially if I've written loads!!

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Hi again to all, I'm glad to hear from you all. 

 

Audrey: I wish I lived in the US so it was possible to get that therapist. I wish they would listen more to me. But it's not so easy to just get out of this group thing because it's a part of my program for me to learn to handle emotions and my BP. 

 

Alright, maybe just meeting him on a dog walk and talking with him wouldn't be too bad. I have been fantasizing so much about it that I actually bought tickets to go there, now. Which is dumb, --- This time I have the money to go there --- but I'm not even sure if I'm going to meet him, and I secretly wanna stay near where he live so I can see when he goes for a walk. But that's just - to me - way out of line and stalkerish. And I wouldn't know how to do it without just standing there looking creepy. It's not good, I can't help myself. It's so dumb. But oh my god, today I even practiced what to say and how to keep a casual and fun conversation going. And I did it aloud. I keep thinking; what can I say to make me stand out? How will I ask him out for coffee without sounding creepy? And most importantly, how do I do it so he doesn't think I'm just interested in him cus he's famous. I genuinely like him, so much, and I did ever since I met him when I lived in London. And the best part is that I know he's single! So I'm more confident asking him out for coffee, but I'm afraid he would politely decline - and my life would be ruined... but then again.... If I never tried I would regret it for the rest of my life. You know? But first and foremost, there's no guarantee I'll see him. It's just... urgh... And @imalittleteapotI know it's definitely not healthy, because going is mostly because of him (and then a little christmas shopping) but mostly him. 


Thanks to you all for sharing the experiences with your partners/husbands.. I still find it so hard to fathom. I'm glad you met your husband before the obsession with your CO. I'm glad to hear you're going through the counselling at your church. I'm glad that in my country it's free to go to therapy and ect. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have made it to my age now. 

I find that interesting that you write. I haven't been able to delve into the world of fanfiction ect, because it reminds me of what I don't have. I wish I could do it as a coping mechanism. But I don't think I can. 

 

@OpalP25 Yeah, I wish I was there already! But I still feel like I'm a nobody without him. I think the roots to it is because I was bullied so much in school, and sometimes I feel like: I wanna show them I have become something. 

What things do you do as distraction?

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20 hours ago, Helpme26 said:

Urgh. I'm having one of those nights where I continuously think and think about what to do and how to meet my CO. How should I approach him, how will I find him and will he talk to me? 

 

Is there anyone who has any ideas of how to distract your mind? rn I'm just in that dellusional state where I think It's gonna happen. 

A therapist will give you a great deal of help, encouragement, rational thinking, reasoning, support and understanding.  You will feel so relieved if you talk to someone who is completely invested in helping you.  A great therapist can do this, please look into it?  Especially before relocating or reaching out.

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18 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

It's been 50 years now, not 45...LOL  

Let me tell you a little more about my story so you'll understand.  I was raised by a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I was emotionally abused.  There's so much I could say about that, but the relevant thing for the purpose of replying to you is, I created an alter ego...I became like two different people.  The "me" functioning in the real world, and another version of myself who I could transform into anything I wanted her to be in my imagination....and I had an excellent imagination.  Still do.  My alter ego would be able to do anything and everything I couldn't do, and would never do as the result of being held back and manipulated by a selfish mother.  My alter ego was perfect in every way, and she was beautiful in ways I would never be.  And when I first saw my CO back in 1967, I was too young for him...but my AE was not.  So, saw the two of them as a couple in my imagination and (hold on, we're going to Crazy Town...fasten your seat belt)  I married them in my imagination in 1968.  Keep in mind that while this was going on, I was 12 years old.  

My CO is a member of a late 1960s band who had a string of hits and recorded a few albums, then fell off the face of the earth 5 years later.  For another 11 years, I heard nothing of the band or of him...until they came to my town for one night to do a concert in 1983.  Then another 16 years went by before I decided to look him up on the Internet and found him...didn't like what I saw, so I just signed off and forgot about that for another 14 years.  The point of all this is, news of my CO was missing from my life for most of over 40 years.  

That didn't matter though.  He was still a part of my life because my AE was always a part of my life.  I needed her, and she was married to him.  I kept her last name as his last name all those years.  I said above that I could have transformed my AE into anything I wanted her to be.  I could have divorced her from my missing CO with the blink of my eye if I'd wanted to...she could have been married to any other celebrity who was popular during the 70s, 80s and 90s.  But it never occurred to me to ditch him, and I never questioned it even though I heard no news about him for all that time.  I know why now.  It's because I always loved him.  I could never have given him up...you might as well ask me to cut out my left eye.  I could never do it.  I've always loved him. 

In 2013 I found his music again after not having it for a little more than 30 years.  All of his music was on vinyl from back in the day....when I got married, vinyl records were already on the way out, cassettes were the thing in the 70s and then CDs were the thing in the 80s and 90s.  This band's music catalog was never released on either cassette  or CDs all that time, and believe me....I was looking for it.  Every time I went to a store that sold cassettes or CDs, I was looking.  But one day in 2013, I found their music on iTunes.  And that's when I became over-the-top obsessed again.  I started poking around on the Internet and a few months later, I learned the information that sent me into deep depression and made me feel betrayed.  He had been married to two other women, one for a brief time in the 60s...he divorced her, and then married another woman in the late 60s, and divorced her in the 1980s.  But in my mind, he was never supposed to be married to anyone other than my alter ego.  You would never guess I could think this way if you knew me in real life.  I'm not a delusional person.  I've achieved quite a few successes in my life.  I can function.  But this....this just took me down.  Because the little secret that no one knew was....every day while I was functioning with all that other stuff, I had another life going on in my imagination.  And in that other life, my was married to my alter ego.   And my alter ego was basically a more perfect version of me.  I came to realize I felt like I had been married to him for all that time, and it felt like he'd cheated on me.  I couldn't recover.  I still haven't recovered.  And the news has only gotten worse.  I can't even say it (look through the thread.  May 22. If you find it, please don't mention it...I do my best to ignore it.  Thank you. :hugs:)  

You asked about my husband.  I never intended to stay single in spite of what was going on in my imagination.  I needed to get out of that house for one thing.  When I began dating, my CO was already in that information dead zone....he was already missing.  When I got married, he'd been missing 5 years already.  I didn't know if I'd ever see or hear anything about him again (except in my imagination.)  When I made my first post here, I said I'm married to a good man.  So much has changed since then, and I've learned so much more about myself since then.  I was so naive.  It's probably not wrong for me to say he's a good man, but he's not and never was the right man for me.  That said, I love my children more than anything else in the world.  They're both grown men of over 28 years old now, one is expecting a daughter of his own in February.  << I can't wait for that.  

For the record, I don't necessarily think it's creepy if someone were to talk to me while I'm walking my dog...so I don't see why your CO would think so.  It would all depend on how you approach him and what you would say.  If you kept it friendly and light, I don't know why that would seem creepy (it wouldn't.)  Then, look for another opportunity to say something catchy again on another day....and so on and so forth.  Pretty soon you'd at least be friends.  

Thank you very much for posting this.  You just described some of the things that go on in my head, and I never thought anyone else was doing this!!!!!!!!!!

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31 minutes ago, HeatherG said:

Thank you very much for posting this.  You just described some of the things that go on in my head, and I never thought anyone else was doing this!!!!!!!!!!

Would you mind sharing your experience with this?

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21 hours ago, posie_riot said:

Disregard what I said. You know your own personal situation better than I do. Believe it or not, I have reached rock bottom over my own CO (you can glance through my posting history if you want, and I'll edit in a link to my first post here...edit:https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/40244-unhealthy-obsession-with-a-celebrity-please-help/?page=284&tab=comments#comment-1296705 )  

You say that you have told two therapists about this, but I take it they haven't been able to offer much of a solution? The only thing I can possibly suggest to you is that you continue to seek professional help until someone takes this issue seriously enough to give you a plan. Unfortunately, the awareness and information just isn't out there. No one seems to know what to do about unrequited love, which is what this is. 

 

Is it because there's not enough of us out there?  And isn't this more than unrequited?  Like, the COs don't know about us, most of us wouldn't want them too.  Most of us want to snap out of this, it's driving us insane (me, anyway).  When I brought it up to my psychologist, she grinned at me.  Then she made a statement that sounded like she just wanted me to snap out of it, suggested wearing a rubber band and pop myself when I think about him.  And she's a well regarded psychologist.  You're right, not enough awareness and information out there.  And it's so sad, because people are truly suffering and we just want some relief... just a little relief.  

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Yeah, I will. I'm doing as much as I can to try get better. I want to not feel this way :( I want to be able to bring it up in my Therapy group so my therapists can help me properly, but I'm so scared that people will laugh at me. 

 

@HeatherG when you wrote: "When I brought it up to my psychologist, she grinned at me.  Then she made a statement that sounded like she just wanted me to snap out of it, suggested wearing a rubber band and pop myself when I think about him.  And she's a well regarded psychologist.  You're right, not enough awareness and information out there.  And it's so sad, because people are truly suffering and we just want some relief... just a little relief.  "

I totally felt with you. I so understand what you mean... and quite frankly, this is why I'm afraid to bring it up into my group. There's so many people who constantly make fun of it, and doesn't regard it as an actual problem -- when in reality, my whole life is ruined by my CO, because I do everything so that it revolves around what I think he would like. I'm changing my life for someone who doesn't even know me, and I'm not having fun when I'm out with my friends because all I wanna do is sit at home, locked up and fantasize about him...

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5 minutes ago, Helpme26 said:

Yeah, I will. I'm doing as much as I can to try get better. I want to not feel this way :( I want to be able to bring it up in my Therapy group so my therapists can help me properly, but I'm so scared that people will laugh at me. 

 

@HeatherG when you wrote: "When I brought it up to my psychologist, she grinned at me.  Then she made a statement that sounded like she just wanted me to snap out of it, suggested wearing a rubber band and pop myself when I think about him.  And she's a well regarded psychologist.  You're right, not enough awareness and information out there.  And it's so sad, because people are truly suffering and we just want some relief... just a little relief.  "

I totally felt with you. I so understand what you mean... and quite frankly, this is why I'm afraid to bring it up into my group. There's so many people who constantly make fun of it, and doesn't regard it as an actual problem -- when in reality, my whole life is ruined by my CO, because I do everything so that it revolves around what I think he would like. I'm changing my life for someone who doesn't even know me, and I'm not having fun when I'm out with my friends because all I wanna do is sit at home, locked up and fantasize about him...

You're in a group, oh, honey I'm feeling for you.  Can you speak one on one?  A therapist just for you??  Yes my psychologist grinned at me, and I felt embarrassed but when I go back I'm going to talk to her and tell her how she made me feel and see how she reacts.  If it's not supportive or apologetic I'll stop seeing her and find someone else.  But we, ppl like us, who are obsessing do need to talk to someone who can be objective and understanding.  Also, medication might be needed - I know now I need medication.  If you can't find someone right away, don't give up, okay?

Edited by HeatherG

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1 minute ago, HeatherG said:

You're in a group, oh, honey I'm feeling for you.  Can you speak one on one?  A therapist just for you??  Yes my psychologist grinned at me, and I felt embarrassed but when I go back I'm going to talk to her about tell her how she made me feel and see how she reacts.  If it's not supportive or apologetic I'll stop seeing her and find someone else.  But we, ppl like us, who are obsessing do need to talk to someone who can be objective and understanding.  Also, medication might be needed - I know now I need medication.  If you can't find someone right away, don't give up, okay?

I've already tried speaking with just a therapist. I had 6 years with just one therapist and talked about this among many other things back then, but then they decided I needed to try something else, as I wasn't improving as much as they'd hope. 

That's really understandable... I wouldn't want to be with a therapist who grinned at me. That's awful... I'm glad you're going back and actually tell her about it !

I'm already on meds :) I take anti depressants and anxiety medication, which does help me A LOT. 

I'll try not to give up.. 10 years of being single is just really tearing me down, every time I date it goes to hell, and then I end up even more focused about my CO. 

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Just now, Helpme26 said:

 

I've already tried speaking with just a therapist. I had 6 years with just one therapist and talked about this among many other things back then, but then they decided I needed to try something else, as I wasn't improving as much as they'd hope. 

That's really understandable... I wouldn't want to be with a therapist who grinned at me. That's awful... I'm glad you're going back and actually tell her about it !

I'm already on meds :) I take anti depressants and anxiety medication, which does help me A LOT. 

I'll try not to give up.. 10 years of being single is just really tearing me down, every time I date it goes to hell, and then I end up even more focused about my CO. 

I understand.  Do you believe your therapist is helping?  If so, let her know (I'm sure you do) how disappointed you are that things aren't moving forward or progressing the way you feel they should.  I hope she has an explanation - but again, someone mentioned that maybe the professionals out there don't know much about this, I guess we can call it a phenomenon or something?  This obsession with celebrity and its culture.  I'm glad tho that the meds are helping a lot.  That's wonderful.

Good, please don't give up.  But I know when we are hurting or disappointed we go back to the CO, and that's something I really need my psychologist to help me with.  Once I'm out of this obsession, I don't want it to be what I fall (run) back into when things get hard and depressing.   May our upcoming new year 2018 be nothing like this 2017!  :console:

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5 minutes ago, HeatherG said:

I understand.  Do you believe your therapist is helping?  If so, let her know (I'm sure you do) how disappointed you are that things aren't moving forward or progressing the way you feel they should.  I hope she has an explanation - but again, someone mentioned that maybe the professionals out there don't know much about this, I guess we can call it a phenomenon or something?  This obsession with celebrity and its culture.  I'm glad tho that the meds are helping a lot.  That's wonderful.

Good, please don't give up.  But I know when we are hurting or disappointed we go back to the CO, and that's something I really need my psychologist to help me with.  Once I'm out of this obsession, I don't want it to be what I fall (run) back into when things get hard and depressing.   May our upcoming new year 2018 be nothing like this 2017!  :console:

Well, problem is, that I know things are not progressing because of ME and not so much her :( It's because I can't let it go, it's hard to get somewhere when I can't talk with the group about it and when I can't fully want to get rid of him from my mind ect. Because part of me - like 70-80% of me, still runs around believing that one day I might actually be with him. 

 

Yes! I truly hope it will be better for us in the next year <3 Hopefully I'll make some progress. and not be so lonely :(

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6 hours ago, Helpme26 said:

 

Alright, maybe just meeting him on a dog walk and talking with him wouldn't be too bad. I have been fantasizing so much about it that I actually bought tickets to go there, now. Which is dumb, --- This time I have the money to go there --- but I'm not even sure if I'm going to meet him, and I secretly wanna stay near where he live so I can see when he goes for a walk. But that's just - to me - way out of line and stalkerish. And I wouldn't know how to do it without just standing there looking creepy. It's not good, I can't help myself. It's so dumb. But oh my god, today I even practiced what to say and how to keep a casual and fun conversation going. And I did it aloud. I keep thinking; what can I say to make me stand out? How will I ask him out for coffee without sounding creepy? And most importantly, how do I do it so he doesn't think I'm just interested in him cus he's famous. I genuinely like him, so much, and I did ever since I met him when I lived in London. And the best part is that I know he's single! So I'm more confident asking him out for coffee, but I'm afraid he would politely decline - and my life would be ruined... but then again.... If I never tried I would regret it for the rest of my life. You know? But first and foremost, there's no guarantee I'll see him. It's just... urgh... And @imalittleteapotI know it's definitely not healthy, because going is mostly because of him (and then a little christmas shopping) but mostly him. 

 

 

I think the best way to look non-creepy would be to temporarily walk someone's dog while you're there. (If you're not staying in London for a long time, I wouldn't recommend getting a pet you can't keep.) There is no harm in casually walking a dog when you run into him walking his dog. :laugh: Then you could talk to him about the dogs, and converse about how they react to each other, etc. It would be the perfect ice-breaker! (But if you get a paying job walking a dog, you would have to get a work visa, if you weren't already planning on working there anyway.)

Don't ask him out the first time you see him. If you can strike up several meaningful conversations that actually go somewhere, and he seems to like you, then you could try asking him out casually. As for staying near him, if you're not on his private property, it's not stalking. Just don't lurk around in the shadows near where he lives, or he might think that's creepy. You don't have to be ashamed or guilty if you're just walking around the public sidewalks, so try not to look like you're committing a crime. :laugh:

I don't know why people here think it's "unhealthy" to travel somewhere to see a CO. Why not? If you have the money, it's your business what you do with it. You can have any reason you want, as long as you're not hurting anyone. If you're short on funds, then it's better to wait until you have enough saved.

 

Edited by BlueStarr

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I'm not actually going there to live, I'm just going there for a week to hope I'll see him and his dog. So I wouldn't have a dog to walk or anything similar. That's sorta what I find creepy about it. Also it would mean if I meet him, I would probably only meet him once, and I'd feel like I would need to ask him out then. Which might creep him out for sure. so Idk..

 

I think the unhealthy part of it, is because I truly believe I can be with him, when the likelihood is probably not very likely. :/

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Is there anything in that particular area that a tourist might want to see, or some activity that someone might want to be doing? If you can find a legitimate excuse to hang around the area, then he wouldn't find that creepy, and you don't have to tell him you are there to see if you can talk to him. :biglaugh: You can tell him you are there for such-and-such activity, and maybe even casually invite him to join. Just don't act nervous, or like you're guilty of some crime. :smile:

Edited by BlueStarr

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What is HE interested in? Maybe you could find something to do that he would be interested in. It would help all the more if you were interested too. You could invite him to join you in a related activity, which is the best way to "ask him out" on first meeting.

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3 hours ago, HeatherG said:

Is it because there's not enough of us out there?  And isn't this more than unrequited?  Like, the COs don't know about us, most of us wouldn't want them too.  Most of us want to snap out of this, it's driving us insane (me, anyway).  When I brought it up to my psychologist, she grinned at me.  Then she made a statement that sounded like she just wanted me to snap out of it, suggested wearing a rubber band and pop myself when I think about him.  And she's a well regarded psychologist.  You're right, not enough awareness and information out there.  And it's so sad, because people are truly suffering and we just want some relief... just a little relief.  

I would have gotten a new psychologist right then and there.  I'm not kidding at all.  That was very disrespectful to your feelings.  

To answer your question, no...I don't think it's more than unrequited.  As defined by Wikipedia: Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer's deep and strong romantic affection, or may consciously reject it.

There's no mention in that definition that the beloved must know the admirer.   If you were experiencing unrequited love for a co-worker, your psychologist wouldn't have batted an eye.   She wouldn't have grinned at you or suggested that you wear a rubber band to pop.  Even if you were too shy to ever approach that co-worker, and your love for him remained unrequited, your psychologist would most likely not have taken that approach with you.  It's the celebrity factor.  People look down on that for some reason.  There have been some busybodies (yep, I said it) who have come into this thread trying to lecture us on what we should do just because we're obsessed with a celebrity (I'm not "obsessed"...I love him.)  

You want to know how cool my therapist is?  On the day I first told her about my CO...keep in mind, this was the very first time I told that story in 47 years at that point,  in a face-to-face conversation (she's the ONLY person who knows about this away from this board) ...I was so nervous.  I was so afraid of being judged.  I was so afraid she'd tell me I had to stop this (before I began the story I asked her not to tell me that, but I still worried she would!!)  Here's what she said instead....she told me one of her fellow therapists (!) was doing the exact same thing....having maladaptive daydreams about a NASCAR driver (she told me the NASCAR driver's name, but I don't want to post it here.)  She told me this therapist actually refers to herself privately as "Mrs. (Name of NASCAR Driver)!!"  Wow.  That definitely put me at ease.  The idea that a colleague of my own therapist had a CO, and fantasized that she  herself was married to the NASCAR Driver made me instantly more comfortable, and made it easier to speak about my CO in future sessions.  Disclaimer: I have reason to believe she might have told me that just to make me feel better at that moment because she never mentioned that ever again and I saw her about that issue for almost 3 years.  But that's the way she was....she was all about making me comfortable most of the time -- there were a few sessions that weren't 100% comfortable, but two of those were my fault for not communicating properly.   

 

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