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An awful lot has happened in my life over the last couple of weeks. Some of it good, some of it not so good.

So I went off to my CO's native region for the summer job that I'd mentioned on here... and I'm back home already. I'm very disappointed that it didn't work out, but I felt I had no option but to quit. Unsurprisingly, I did not get the opportunity to meet my CO. Last week, a fan on twitter reckoned he may come to his hometown to see family and friends, but I found out a few days ago that he was actually in the other city where he lives, right at the other end of the country. I was actually somewhat relieved about that, because even if he had been in the area, I'm sure I would have missed any opportunity to see him (one of the many issues with the job was that I didn't have set hours & often had to work crazily long days).

Well, what can I say... my attempts at seeing/meeting my CO never have been a success. :roll2:

I also have another piece of unexpected news. A nice guy I met asked me round to his for a drink, and although initially I didn't feel enthusiastic at the prospect, I decided to go. This resulted in a fling that lasted a few days (until I left the country). To my surprise, it was a very positive experience and I don't regret it at all.

I'm certainly not in love with the guy and I don't feel the same emotional pull towards him as I do towards my CO. But he made me very happy and comfortable, and I feel a lot of affection for him. It was completely different to my relationship with my ex, which was devoid of any feelings and emotions. Overall, I think it was a good thing for me to finally get back into dating again. It's true that I may not have met The One, but I had a really nice time.

Wow, this has turned out to be quite a long post but I think I've just about covered everything!

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2 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

An awful lot has happened in my life over the last couple of weeks. Some of it good, some of it not so good.

So I went off to my CO's native region for the summer job that I'd mentioned on here... and I'm back home already. I'm very disappointed that it didn't work out, but I felt I had no option but to quit. Unsurprisingly, I did not get the opportunity to meet my CO. Last week, a fan on twitter reckoned he may come to his hometown to see family and friends, but I found out a few days ago that he was actually in the other city where he lives, right at the other end of the country. I was actually somewhat relieved about that, because even if he had been in the area, I'm sure I would have missed any opportunity to see him (one of the many issues with the job was that I didn't have set hours & often had to work crazily long days).

Well, what can I say... my attempts at seeing/meeting my CO never have been a success. :roll2:

I also have another piece of unexpected news. A nice guy I met asked me round to his for a drink, and although initially I didn't feel enthusiastic at the prospect, I decided to go. This resulted in a fling that lasted a few days (until I left the country). To my surprise, it was a very positive experience and I don't regret it at all.

I'm certainly not in love with the guy and I don't feel the same emotional pull towards him as I do towards my CO. But he made me very happy and comfortable, and I feel a lot of affection for him. It was completely different to my relationship with my ex, which was devoid of any feelings and emotions. Overall, I think it was a good thing for me to finally get back into dating again. It's true that I may not have met The One, but I had a really nice time.

Wow, this has turned out to be quite a long post but I think I've just about covered everything!

Hi @OpalP25, I'm sorry to hear that the job didn't work out but at least you gave it a shot and I'm glad that you met someone interesting! :)

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6 hours ago, I wanna be me said:

I definitely relate to this! 

I work in a field where I meet a lot of people every day, and if I come across someone with the same name as my CO, well, guess who gets the star treatment! 

I often wonder if my colleagues notice a pattern!

@imalittleteapot that's so fantastic about not buying the DVD and not watching interviews online. My current CO doesn't do a lot of interviews but I've watched every one I can find, and it really makes me feel even more that I want to know him, as you say. 

How do you go about blurring their faces? 

'How do you go about blurring their faces?' 

I don't know how that happened, but when I turned off push notifications, all the pictures in my Twitter feed became blurry.  I have to click on them to see the photos. It's somewhere on the settings.

It's annoying to click on each post to see the photos unblurred- but it was godsend with my CO problem. I KNEW the picture was of my main CO (the one I'm most 'in love with') with his wife and small children, and he rarely posts them! 

I know what you mean by people who share their names, One of my husband's friends has the same first name as my CO, a very common name. When I hear him on the phone with that friend and he says his name, I totally want to plug my ears. In fact, my CO's first name was a name I had on my boy list when I was pregnant with my daughter years ago. If she were born a boy, she could have been named that! It's a very handsome name, especially in its full form...it perfectly suits my CO. (sigh)

I'm very annoyed at some of the younger fans of my 2 CO's who were in the same movie as co-stars. They write 'real person fiction' stories, and they 'ship' them as a gay couple! I think that is truly disrespectful, and an invasion of their privacy. As much as I hate it, one of these men IS straight and married. :( These girls think it's cute to ship them, in addition to the characters they played. (I admit, I can understand the motive- they ARE cute together, and I'd rather my main CO be gay because it wouldn't be as painful to adore him so much!) 

 

Edited by imalittleteapot
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53 minutes ago, imalittleteapot said:

'How do you go about blurring their faces?' 

I don't know how that happened, but when I turned off push notifications, all the pictures in my Twitter feed became blurry.  I have to click on them to see the photos. It's somewhere on the settings.

It's annoying to click on each post to see the photos unblurred- but it was godsend with my CO problem. I KNEW the picture was of my main CO (the one I'm most 'in love with') with his wife and small children, and he rarely posts them! 

I know what you mean by people who share their names, One of my husband's friends has the same first name as my CO, a very common name. When I hear him on the phone with that friend and he says his name, I totally want to plug my ears. In fact, my CO's first name was a name I had on my boy list when I was pregnant with my daughter years ago. If she were born a boy, she could have been named that! It's a very handsome name, especially in its full form...it perfectly suits my CO. (sigh)

I'm very annoyed at some of the younger fans of my 2 CO's who were in the same movie as co-stars. They write 'real person fiction' stories, and they 'ship' them as a gay couple! I think that is truly disrespectful, and an invasion of their privacy. As much as I hate it, one of these men IS straight and married. :( These girls think it's cute to ship them, in addition to the characters they played. (I admit, I can understand the motive- they ARE cute together, and I'd rather my main CO be gay because it wouldn't be as painful to adore him so much!) 

 

Slash fanfiction with homosexual pairings is apparently very popular. Stories like that have been written about my CO and his bandmate even though they're both straight, and they've said that they don't really get why fans write stuff like that but it doesn't particularly upset them. They know they aren't in a gay relationship and the fans can fantasize about whatever. I personally don't have fantasies about my CO being with another man, but he might think the romantic scenarios that I like to imagine him in are just as far fetched. 😂

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@imalittleteapot and @HopelessRomantic2011 There is "real-life" gay fanfiction written about my CO too, lol. I found this out a few years ago when I clicked a link to what I thought was an article about him, which turned out to be something else entirely... Then I did a search on that website and saw that there were many other similar stories featuring him and various other men. I was a little bit shocked as I'd never known my CO had those kinds of fans!

I did try to read a few of the fics out of curiosity, lol, but I found them so embarrassing and cringeworthy that I had to stop. These sorts of stories just seem weird and disrespectful to the people involved. There's absolutely nothing wrong with pairing up two fictional characters, but pairing up two real people (who probably have absolutely no interest in each other in that way)... it just doesn't sit right with me.

Edited by OpalP25
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17 minutes ago, OpalP25 said:

@imalittleteapot and @HopelessRomantic2011 There is "real-life" gay fanfiction written about my CO too, lol. I found this out a few years ago when I clicked a link to what I thought was an article about him, which turned out to be something else entirely... Then I did a search on that website and saw that there were many other similar stories featuring him and various other men. I was a little bit shocked as I'd never known my CO had those kinds of fans!

I did try to read a few of the fics out of curiosity, lol, but I found them so embarrassing and cringeworthy that I had to stop. These sorts of stories just seem weird and disrespectful to the people involved. There's absolutely nothing wrong with pairing up two fictional characters, but pairing up two real people (who probably have absolutely no interest in each other in that way)... it just doesn't sit right with me.

Well, I won't lie- I've read gay fanfics about COs that I've had in the past, so I'm not going to say that I have a problem with them in general. If they are well written, they can be quite entertaining. I started reading fanfic in high school and I'm still reading it 20 years later! I just started reading one in which my CO is a demonic, supernatural character. Even though that's not the kind of stuff I personally write, I think it's a good story so far! I think it's really interesting to see what other people are inspired to write. And @Audrey822, you never know... You may not be the only one writing about your CO. 😄

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Nice to see some fellow fanfic writers on here. I write erotic fanfic featuring both Constantine and Steven (not together), each with Ashleigh, my alter ego/original character. I also write WWE fanfic.

Nothing new to report on the Steven front.

However, my sister says she and my clinical team are working on something new for me to try and get me to take care of myself. Basically, it means I have to sacrifice something I have, like cable, in exchange for me to promise to take 2 showers a week and keep my place clean. Bathing and cleaning are hard for me. Just takes too much of my time that I'd rather spend fantasizing, watching TV and writing. That and I just don't care anymore. I'm just not happy that these people won't leave me alone and stop putting all this pressure on me to live up to their standards I just can't reach. I just want to be able to keep my sanity, and if that means forgoing my ADLs (Adult Living Skills), oh, well. I guess they just don't get done. I'm just tired of it all.

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I find fanfic fascinating and horrific in equal measure. When it's done well, it's good but there are a lot of bad ones. As a pedant, if it's riddled with spelling mistakes and wRiTteN LikE ThIs, I am instantly turned off (but that is my inner editor coming out and judging). There are a lot of stories written that cover various combinations of my CO and his 3 (male friends), either in pairs or all together. I really don't mind the gay fanfic at all - most of it is more focussed on extending the clearly strong friendship between them into a romantic one rather than being hardcore porn in any way.

I write fanfic about my CO - I have a selection of super short stories and then a longer chapter story which is a slightly alternate version to the one that involves me and him that I live in in my head. Part of it was just about writing something, anything and part of it was accepting that I was going to be writing about him even if I changed the names and pretended it wasn't. Both are posted online and enjoyed by other fans of my CO and the show. 

@Audrey822 - congrats to your son and your new daughter in law

@OpalP25 - So sorry the job didn't work out for you. I hope your next visit to the country is more successful. 

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9 hours ago, fabulousrockstar said:

Nice to see some fellow fanfic writers on here. I write erotic fanfic featuring both Constantine and Steven (not together), each with Ashleigh, my alter ego/original character. I also write WWE fanfic.

Nothing new to report on the Steven front.

However, my sister says she and my clinical team are working on something new for me to try and get me to take care of myself. Basically, it means I have to sacrifice something I have, like cable, in exchange for me to promise to take 2 showers a week and keep my place clean. Bathing and cleaning are hard for me. Just takes too much of my time that I'd rather spend fantasizing, watching TV and writing. That and I just don't care anymore. I'm just not happy that these people won't leave me alone and stop putting all this pressure on me to live up to their standards I just can't reach. I just want to be able to keep my sanity, and if that means forgoing my ADLs (Adult Living Skills), oh, well. I guess they just don't get done. I'm just tired of it all.

Hi @fabulousrockstar, thanks for the update! Glad to hear you're doing ok. WWE fanfic sounds interesting. I think you can probably find fanfic on anything though. I decided to Google to see if any Lil Wayne fanfic exists, and yes it does. lol I know he's very popular, but to me he just didn't seem like the type of guy that someone would write fanfic about, but apparently I was wrong. :)

The story idea that I'm working on now is pretty basic. The previous story that I was working on involved a married couple who had a somewhat rebellious teenage daughter who was dating a guy that her stepdad didn't approve of. I decided that I wanted to keep the teenage daughter concept, so the new story is about a teenage girl who falls for a guy who her parents don't approve of...that guy being my CO. He isn't a teenager currently, but I made him 19 in the story and the girl is 16. I never dated anyone when I was a teenager, so maybe this is just my way of living out the teenage romance that I never got to experience. lol Anyway, I know it's pretty cliche as far as story ideas go, but that's what I'm writing. :)

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@perfectcircle77 I think one of the main reasons why I found some of the fanfiction about my CO so weird was that a large amount of them were set in very bizarre alternate universes where he had a different job/life. The more "realistic" ones weren't quite as bad though - I actually managed to read a few of the less graphic ones in their entirety!

Thank you for your encouragement about my next trip abroad! :hugs:I think I'll probably be going to another city in the same region, so maybe I'll have a 2nd chance at seeing my CO (though I won't get my hopes up). I should get to see the guy I met again, which will be really great. But he's giving hints he wants something serious, and I don't know how to feel about that. He's so nice and I love spending time with him... I'm just not sure I'm ready for that kind of commitment.

@HopelessRomantic2011 Your story sounds really cool! I'd definitely read it. :)

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I write fanfiction, too! I've written it for about 8 or 9 years, based on 4 different movie/book series total. I have 2 fics in progress right now, and both are for my favorite movie (the DVD I won't buy.) I write about the characters my 2 CO's play, and of COURSE, that movie's fandom right now is practically 75 percent slash stories about them. I write non-explicit, fluffy and humorous or angsty hurt/comfort stories about them. I focus only on the characters themselves, NOT the actors. I have a writer friend who I collaborate with, we've been buddies in this fandom for several years now. The love for the movie and characters has created friendships, and has served as a muse to help me be a much better author- so it isn't all bad! 

@HopelessRomantic2011 it sounds like you have a really good story, there! 

About the fandom I'm writing for- I kind of miss- well actually I almost MOURN- the fact that it's lost some of its innocence. It used to be purely a 'family' movie/play/book, but the canon has changed recently. There have been new revelations, deeper, more complex storyline and character developments in the latest adaptation. It even caused a few of my old 'ships' I'd written about in some of my previous fanfics to sink!  It's also caused the 'slash' pairings to skyrocket. Before, if these two guys were paired sexually, it was considered a silly joke. Not anymore! It's considered canon by many if you 'read between the lines,' so to speak!

In a weird way, it's made me upset and sad, because part of me wished the new adaptations hadn't even been made! Even though I absolutely adore every single remake and version, and was CRAZY over the newest one, I miss the classic original BEFORE more had been added on. :(

Edited by imalittleteapot
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I'm still lurking :whistling: and thought I'd come in on the fanfic discussion that's happening.

I actually write fanfic, and up until recently, I never posted any of them.

Over the last 2 months, I've become absolutely obsessed with a TV Show, more so, one of the main characters of it. And this obsession (with the show and character) is really bad, and surprise surprise, all my old ones have faded out again (for now). I've watched this show almost constantly (I'm being really serious here) for the last 60 days or so and I'm now on the last season, the new season starts in September. 

 

My love of this TV show inspired so much writing creativity that I spend a lot of time on (especially when I have no internet). Though I don't post all of them (because some I feel aren't that good), I keep them on a word document, and the couple I've posted on Tumblr have had a few notes so I try and continue when I can.

 

I myself, actually do Reader insert one shots/drabbles, because I find it easier to imagine myself in the stories, and though I've invented a character for the maladaptive daydreaming that occurs with this obsession; I find Reader insert fics so much easier to write and I love reading them too. Some are romantic pairings between the character and reader, though some are purely friendship ones.

I also downloaded a Scriptwriting app to my laptop, which also helps with the daydreaming because it helps me to also imagine myself in the stories/scenes I write. Though these do name my "character", I NEVER post them because they're just for me.

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I haven't posted here in awhile...but things have just gotten worse for me. I really wish I could stop caring about my CO. All I do is think and worry about him 24/7. I would do anything to protect him. I keep reading things that make things worse and I feel horrible. My anxiety is so bad. I also ended up cancelling the appointment I had where I was going to see about going on medication. I just can't get myself to do anything. Hope everyone else is doing better than me. 

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Hi @scc. I'm really sorry you're still feeling so bad. :console:

You let your CO's manager know about the worries you had, so I'm sure everything's being dealt with, if there's any truth in the rumours that you read about. It is not your duty or responsibility to sort out your CO's personal problems - you've just got to remind yourself that you've done all you could to help him and it's out of your hands now.

If you can, it would be a very good idea to try to get another appointment to discuss going on medication. I do understand how difficult it is for you at the moment though.

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Well, I saw my CO in concert and it was kind of a weird day. Unfortunately my city was the ONLY city where he decided not to do a meet and greet because he had to quickly fly out to another city for a special event. I was super disappointed. :( But on the bright side, through a weird string of luck, I was accidentally let into the venue hours before everyone else, so I was able to watch the show front row center DIRECTLY in front of him! I won't lie and say that our eyes met and he sung right to me, but it was a good show. :) I guess I will have to try to get that photo with him some other time. Thanks for the support everyone!

Edited by HopelessRomantic2011
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39 minutes ago, OpalP25 said:

@HopelessRomantic2011 So glad you got to see your CO in person and that you enjoyed the concert!

That's really bad luck about the meet and greet though. Hopefully there will be more opportunities for you to get that photo with him - I'm sure it will happen eventually!

Thanks, @OpalP25! I'm not a person who believes in that "everything happens for a reason" stuff, but I'll just have to believe that there's a reason that things went the way they went. I'm not complaining because I still had a good time and since I didn't fully meet my goal, I still have something to strive for, I guess. It could've just been a situation where I got to meet him and then I might've been like "Ok, it's over so now what?" and I could've ended up feeling depressed.

Edited by HopelessRomantic2011
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@HopelessRomantic2011 It does seem really unfair when these sorts of things happen... like the universe is conspiring against us meeting our COs!

Last night I saw a photo that someone had posted on Instagram with my CO. The location it was taken is a place really really close to the place where I was working. I know he only arrived there yesterday/the day before, and I reckon he'll be there around a week (lol, I sound like such a stalker!) If only I could have put up with that awful job a little while longer... But I know deep down I couldn't have done that.

I am a person who believes (rightly or wrongly) in things happening for a reason, and I truly thought when I got the job and found out where it would be that this was some kind of sign I would meet my CO and everything would happen just as I'd always hoped. But what actually has happened seems to me like a clear sign that me meeting him is just something that is never meant to be.

I suppose all we can do is hope for new opportunities...They'll come eventually.

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Hello again everyone. I'm doing Ok. I still have moments where I panic and think I made the worst mistake of my life and then I look at this scrambled persona of this female pop star I mentioned before and I am just reminded of what I am not and will not ever be. It's not her fault. She's highly successful and she's three years younger than me and my brain is just disturbed by all of what she has accomplished at not even 30 years old yet.

I mean I could give you a few other parallels between her and what I wanted before she did it and it's scary but I have to be okay and be happy for others and I am and she seems like a good person who is generous to others and I would be too it's just hard because I know I can never be her and I'm me and I haven't done what she did because it scared me to go to uncharted territory with no guarantees or backup plan or real plan and I sound like a childish brat who is upset that someone more deserving got what they worked so hard for and I was afraid to even rock the boat.

I'm not upset with her I'm upset at myself for being scared of nothing. Until Adele I didn't know soulful pop music was something a woman could be successful in since Dusty Springfield in the 1960s so that inspired me as well as Justin Timberlake who is make pop soulful hip hop type sound. 

I guess there's other white people like me who grew up liking Urban music like me but when you're white and live in the Midwest it kind of makes you seem more weird than kids think you are.

 

I hope you all are doing well. Take care guys.

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What I wanted to add was that there are at least three different songs from three different albums of hers that the moment I heard the first lines I have been reminded over and over from a higher power that this person wrote something that in my own unique situation I could relate to and that has transformed my life.

I mean over and over and over again this higher power is telling me throughout the lies of my brain that this woman is not so accomplished that she herself has not dealt with similar situations maybe not in how I have but it's something when you look past your own insecurities and realize someone else has went through the similar situation but you can't see that until you get past your selfish insecurities to get to the root that though she may be more accomplished and successful at her age she is not some hybrid super person who is out to get to me. She doesn't know me and I don't know her. She accomplished things that many young women would love to. There are other people in the same field as her who are just as talented but have not received the same because they are not the same as her but that's ok because though they may not make the same amount of money they don't use their talent the same way. They each have their own unique gifts and strengths and talents and that's what makes them all the more accomplished.

I realize that in many cases my young mind was already miles ahead from where I wanted to be growing up in the Midwest but there are millions of people who grew up in a nowhere town who with drive and grit and determination and luck they got a chance to pursue their dreams. I could name you at least one person who out of five people are still alive to this day who had the fame and accomplishments but is now a Reverend.

As a little girl I thought that my whole purpose in life was to pursue music and have a singing career. I was going to be as famous as Michael Jackson was. This was in the early mid 1990s and although I had no idea why he was going on trial when I did watch him and other various performers on those variety show reruns I was mesmerized by their stage presence and wanted to grow up and be as beautiful as Cindy Crawford who was more widely famous in that supermodel era long before social media and the Internet took over. I was going to live the good life while giving back but had no real concrete plan or structure to fall back on. It's hard when you see other people who didn't go to college or need to go because they made it but just because they did at that age doesn't mean you should follow in their footsteps because you may not get the same chance they did.

As I get older the more I realize that in life sometimes it's the luck of the draw. There was an old Dionne Warwick song that said something like "and all the stars that never were are parking cars or pumping gas" or waiting on tables or trying to make it as an actor or what have you and the bad thing about social media is that these kids are growing up thinking they're the next Kardashian because they want to be Instagram famous. The Kardashians achieved fame but not from Instagram. I'm not judging them I'm just saying. I was just like these kids but in an era when the Internet was just starting to be more in the media. Our way of seeing that world was through MTV or BET music videos and I don't think either of them play music videos anymore. It just shows you how the world changes and as the world changes the way people do business must change and that includes the entertainment industry.

I say all this to say that there is a part of my brain that goes back to where I was and how I was and to be honest at times I feel I was too young to be that serious about life let alone about a famous boy who was 14 years old who in reality I had no chance with but twenty years ago at 11 years old I would have told you to beat it because it was going to happen because I truly believed it in my heart nothing was impossible. As I got older and grew more in with my values and structure what once was clear became a fuzzy picture. I didn't understand how what once was had turned into something so confusing that I feared the worst on all sides and gave into playing it safe for fear I would let myself down and others down and in the end make a fool of myself in front of the country let alone this special individual throughout the process.

I had no real clue as to how life was for others who did not grow up as I did. I had no idea what they faced on a daily basis. I understand that even in my own race it doesn't mean you live a white picket fence life. I think sometimes depending on your location and the time you're raised in it effects you.


The events that have unfolded in America over the past several years has opened my eyes and my heart. I am beginning to understand their side a little more clearer than I have.

I don't agree with them on certain subjects but I am growing in understanding and knowledge of events that have taken place and why people act the way they do towards other people because of how things have happened throughout history and in modern society as well.

Though I am sad that its taken tragedy for me to understand things I think that tragedy can take you to a blessed place where you can learn about yourself & about things that you normally wouldn't question or had no prior interest in.

It would be easy for me being what I am to not want to know the how or why of people that are different than me. As I said before with music as I grew up and how I was personally raised I was not  supposed to like music or boys who were not like me but I did. I made a choice then as a child and I continued to make that choice because in my own way I believed in this person. I saw him as a person and not as a common stereotype as folks sometimes do in my own race community.

I understand where they come from though and why individuals in my own race tend to think that way. As I said about tragedy I don't agree on everything ; I don't have to or like everything and I don't but I am choosing to learn because if I can choose to learn and not be ignorant and learn to love my neighbor in the process then in my own way I guess that this part of my life was not done in vain but love.

Edited by urivgirl86
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