Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support

[Audrey822]

@perfectcircle77 OMG, I'm embarrassed about forgetting Too Many Walls as well...glad you added it. I mentioned that song somewhere in this thread, and it's so perfect for my situation, there were times it would make me cry (literally.) 

[OpalP25]

@posie_riot You're so right that it's pointless to try and talk ourselves out of feeling the way we do. I think it's kind of human nature though. When we get hurt, we end up punishing ourselves in order to convince ourselves not to make the same mistake again. That's definitely what's happened in my case - I haven't allowed myself to get that crazy over a real life person ever since. There's only been one occasion over the last 5 years where I've had feelings for a guy I actually knew. I made a big effort to suppress those feelings because I didn't believe I was good enough for him (though looking back, it was actually quite obvious that he fancied me back at least a little bit)... I sort of regret the way I handled it now, as these days I never seem to meet anyone who I have any chemistry with. Fortunately I don't mind the possibility of ending up as a cat lady!  But all the same, I'll try not to be too harsh on myself if I do eventually end up falling for someone again.

[OpalP25]

@BattleScars I hadn't heard of the film you mentioned before but I really like Audrey Tautou so I'll definitely try to watch it when I can. :) Another of her movies, "Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain", is one of my all-time favourites. For anyone who hasn't seen it, it's not about unrequited love, but the main character is an introverted young woman with obsessive tendencies who daydreams about a romance with a man she barely knows... So there's an awful lot there for many of us to relate to lol!

Some of my fave songs about unrequited love:

On my own - Les Misérables

I'm not that girl - Wicked

Too lost in you - Sugababes

Out of reach - Gabrielle

Fool - Shakira

Teardrops on my guitar - Taylor Swift

(Sorry I don't know how to do the links!)

[Audrey822]

4 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

@posie_riot You're so right that it's pointless to try and talk ourselves out of feeling the way we do. I think it's kind of human nature though. When we get hurt, we end up punishing ourselves in order to convince ourselves not to make the same mistake again. That's definitely what's happened in my case - I haven't allowed myself to get that crazy over a real life person ever since. There's only been one occasion over the last 5 years where I've had feelings for a guy I actually knew. I made a big effort to suppress those feelings because I didn't believe I was good enough for him (though looking back, it was actually quite obvious that he fancied me back at least a little bit)... I sort of regret the way I handled it now, as these days I never seem to meet anyone who I have any chemistry with. Fortunately I don't mind the possibility of ending up as a cat lady!  But all the same, I'll try not to be too harsh on myself if I do eventually end up falling for someone again.

I vowed I would post this video the very next time you talked about ending up a cat lady (or some such thing ?)....I'm not your mama, but I'm going to tell you this anyway:

Phil Collins did that song too...your generation may remember his version better.  They're both good, and I'm dedicating this to all the impatient young singles in this thread.  

TODAY IS NOT FOREVER.  

You are not destined to remain a cat lady. I believe there's something better out there for you, but you have to believe in yourself! 

 

Edited February 27, 2017 by Natasha1
youtube links in violation of ToS

[Audrey822]

4 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

@BattleScars I hadn't heard of the film you mentioned before but I really like Audrey Tautou so I'll definitely try to watch it when I can. :) Another of her movies, "Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain", is one of my all-time favourites. For anyone who hasn't seen it, it's not about unrequited love, but the main character is an introverted young woman with obsessive tendencies who daydreams about a romance with a man she barely knows... So there's an awful lot there for many of us to relate to lol!

Some of my fave songs about unrequited love:

 

(Sorry I don't know how to do the links!)

I haven't kept up with new music as much as I should have...the only one from this list I know is the Taylor Swift song.  As unrequited love is clearly a theme of my life, however, I am going to check them out!! 

(BTW....I put the links in your quote)

*note from Natasha1: what you did worked :) *

Edited February 27, 2017 by Natasha1
links in violation of ToS

[BattleScars]

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone!

@perfectcircle77 I had come across a few Beau Taplin quotes before (including the one on your signature) and I was very amazed, his poetry is incredible.

I think for me the song which makes me the most emotional is Nicest Thing by Kate Nash.

But I have such a long playlist with that theme! I even have a few songs by my very own CO about unrequited love. Which is interesting considering he has been happily married for many years and maybe shouldn't be singing about wanting someone he can't have at this point? Who knows, maybe it's about me! LOL *cough* erotomania *cough*.

A few of my favorites:

Sally's Song - Nightmare Before Christmas
Leave Your Lover - Sam Smith
Not In That Way - Sam Smith
Dark Paradise - Lana Del Rey
The One That Got Away - P!nk
Chasing Pavements - Adele (in fact there are so many Adele songs about it... Daydreamer, Make You Feel My Love (Bob Dylan's but I love her version), One and Only, Someone Like You...
Wake Up Alone - Amy Winehouse
I Want You - Elvis Costello (this one is painful)
Time Is Running Out - Muse
Addicted - Kelly Clarkson
 If Only You Were Lonely - The Replacements

 

I have loads more because music is the only thing that helps me cope... but here you go.

Edited February 28, 2017 by Natasha1
links in violation of ToS

[OpalP25]

@Audrey822 Thanks so much for doing the links for me 

I only know a few of the songs on your very impressive list, but I will check out the rest of them! 

Thank you also for posting the encouraging song! I think I'll end up being a cat lady come what may (I love kitties so much ). But hopefully I will be a cat lady who isn't single, lol!

[Natasha1]

Guys, we can't have links on here. I'm sorry to have to remove them.

[Audrey822]

If it's OK with @Natasha1 I'm going to try to put those songs on my blog (I think the regulations are a little more relaxed for that.)

 

Posted here

Edited February 27, 2017 by Audrey822

[Natasha1]

Yes you are right they are. Still apply but we think of that area being personal space. Sorry to be a bother about all this :(

[MysteryName]

4 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

I haven't kept up with new music as much as I should have...the only one from this list I know is the Taylor Swift song.  As unrequited love is clearly a theme of my life, however, I am going to check them out!! 

(BTW....I put the links in your quote)

I haven't kept up with any sort of music! One way having a CO has messed me up is making me a boring cultural void as all my time and mind space is taken up with her.  Of other songs I do know though "Haven't met you now by Michael Buble is not about unrequited love" but seems kinda relevant.

@posie_riot and @Audrey822 thanks for your encouragement but there is no possibility whatsoever I could end up with anyone including my new real life crush. I work with this woman for a start. They invite everyone to everything. I'm just the only one who comes as the others have lives and families. I've been doing stuff with them all the time. Close as I've got to having a life. So many highs. But then there's the pressure to be interesting and the worry it will stop and some part of me thinks this is all pointless as I can't tell her how I feel.

For a while a real life crush started replacing my CO but then the pressure built up and to comfort me I started watching videos and pics etc. of my CO more again. I always retreat back to her.

Why am I undateable? I tried answering this a ton of ways but you've read pages of my diseased ramblings over the time I've been here full of obsession and self loathing - they screem undateable on their own. But at the end of the day you don't get to be 30 while having barely dated, without something being very very very wrong with you. Most of society doesn't think its possible to be in that situation. How do I mentally process having done so badly at the core of human existence that most of society doesn't even think it is possible to do this badly?

Any woman would run a mile in an instant as soon as she found out my lack of past.
 

"Chemistry" doesn't exist in my world. I think part of my brain is missing. Instead I get excited every time I even talk to a girl in any depth and joke with her. And then next day I have nothing left to say. And then I'd see her interract with another guy and I'd remember a healthy human has 100 people they talk and joke with on that level and there's nothing special about my interraction with her. EVERY SINGLE TIME!

I couldn't go on with this cycle. The only way to maintain some dignity and avoid the anguish was to be a guy who had chosen not to have relationships. Not to try.

Turns out though that I can't force myself not to feel things for women and so a strategy my subconsious used was to choose a woman where I'd never have that cycle because I'd never meet her. It didn't work it just caused other problems.

I'm pleased people seem to these days have a positive outlook on their CO's. Call it true love if that's what it is. I can't join you - having a CO is part of my disease. A psychiatrist could explain exactly why I have a CO and even, to some extent, why her in particular I focused on. I'm pretty sure I've reduced her to a set of attributes. I can't see her as a soulmate as it seems the most perverse thing in the world. Chop a soul in half. One half puts her all into everything becomes a famous actress, musician, comedian, cartoonist, lots of other stuff too. The other half sits in his room all day browsing the internet and moaning and can barely look after himself. That doesn't make sense. Seems twisted. Like zoophilia or incest.

Edited February 28, 2017 by MysteryName

[posie_riot]

23 hours ago, perfectcircle77 said:

I am a firm believer in soulmates on different levels. My best friend is my soulmate in a completely different way to the feeling my CO gives me. I love her, I get her and she gets me. She is the only person in real life I could actually consider talking to about this because of our connection, she is someone who can restore my soul just by being in her presence.

What you've said here about your friend is so beautiful. What a blessing to have her in your life 

 

[posie_riot]

13 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

@posie_riot You're so right that it's pointless to try and talk ourselves out of feeling the way we do. I think it's kind of human nature though. When we get hurt, we end up punishing ourselves in order to convince ourselves not to make the same mistake again. That's definitely what's happened in my case - I haven't allowed myself to get that crazy over a real life person ever since. There's only been one occasion over the last 5 years where I've had feelings for a guy I actually knew. I made a big effort to suppress those feelings because I didn't believe I was good enough for him (though looking back, it was actually quite obvious that he fancied me back at least a little bit)... I sort of regret the way I handled it now, as these days I never seem to meet anyone who I have any chemistry with. Fortunately I don't mind the possibility of ending up as a cat lady!  But all the same, I'll try not to be too harsh on myself if I do eventually end up falling for someone again.

I don't know if it's human nature, or just the society we live in. Either way, these self-punishing tendencies seem to be ingrained into almost all of us. We mistakenly think that if we "discipline" ourselves, the behaviour will be corrected. Usually the opposite is true though, and then it becomes a vicious circle. We can't fix ourselves by hating ourselves (a hard lesson to learn). I'm definitely still working on this, and I probably will be for the rest of my life. 

"I made a big effort to suppress those feelings because I didn't believe I was good enough for him"

Even though you probably know this logically, I would like to remind you that this is nonsense. He may have felt like he wasn't good enough for you for some reason that you couldn't possibly have been aware of. Another trap we all fall into: believing we can predict the future. It sounds like you were preparing yourself for a rejection that hadn't taken place yet. I can relate to this. Not with relationships (there's been no opportunity yet), but with just about everything else. This reminds me of why I'm unemployed. 

Cats rock. And you don't have to worry about punishing yourself because they will punish you with cattitude.  

[posie_riot]

14 hours ago, BattleScars said:

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone!

@perfectcircle77 I had come across a few Beau Taplin quotes before (including the one on your signature) and I was very amazed, his poetry is incredible.

I think for me the song which makes me the most emotional is Nicest Thing by Kate Nash.

But I have such a long playlist with that theme! I even have a few songs by my very own CO about unrequited love. Which is interesting considering he has been happily married for many years and maybe shouldn't be singing about wanting someone he can't have at this point? Who knows, maybe it's about me! LOL *cough* erotomania *cough*.

A few of my favorites:

Sally's Song - Nightmare Before Christmas
Leave Your Lover - Sam Smith
Not In That Way - Sam Smith
Dark Paradise - Lana Del Rey
The One That Got Away - P!nk
Chasing Pavements - Adele (in fact there are so many Adele songs about it... Daydreamer, Make You Feel My Love (Bob Dylan's but I love her version), One and Only, Someone Like You...
Wake Up Alone - Amy Winehouse
I Want You - Elvis Costello (this one is painful)
Time Is Running Out - Muse
Addicted - Kelly Clarkson
 If Only You Were Lonely - The Replacements

 

I have loads more because music is the only thing that helps me cope... but here you go.

That Kate Nash song...wow. I love it. How perfect. 

You've got some great songs on that list. I love all those Adele songs. To Make You Feel My Love is one of my favourite songs (always makes me think of my CO), and her version is great. 

My unrequited love anthem is "I Know It's Over" by The Smiths. "I Want The One I Can't Have"  is another one. Pretty much every song by Morrissey is an unrequited love song in some form. 

Edited February 28, 2017 by Natasha1
removed link in quote

[MysteryName]

2 hours ago, posie_riot said:

I don't know if it's human nature, or just the society we live in. Either way, these self-punishing tendencies seem to be ingrained into almost all of us. We mistakenly think that if we "discipline" ourselves, the behaviour will be corrected. Usually the opposite is true though, and then it becomes a vicious circle. We can't fix ourselves by hating ourselves (a hard lesson to learn). I'm definitely still working on this, and I probably will be for the rest of my life. 

"I made a big effort to suppress those feelings because I didn't believe I was good enough for him"

Even though you probably know this logically, I would like to remind you that this is nonsense. He may have felt like he wasn't good enough for you for some reason that you couldn't possibly have been aware of. Another trap we all fall into: believing we can predict the future. It sounds like you were preparing yourself for a rejection that hadn't taken place yet. I can relate to this. Not with relationships (there's been no opportunity yet), but with just about everything else. This reminds me of why I'm unemployed. 

Cats rock. And you don't have to worry about punishing yourself because they will punish you with cattitude.  

Yes 1000 times yes! This is why I spent 3 months lying on my parents sofa and applied for teaching which I didn't really want to do! Then started applying and the phone wouldn't stop ringing!



@OpalP25 
Main lesson I learnt from this - 90% of what people tell you about you having to have X, Y and Z is just wrong. Most of what people say, especially on the internet, seems specifically designed to scare people or put them off making an effort. I don't know why it is. Some people think it makes them tough to give "tough love" lessons on what a hard and judgemental place the world is. That or they're just bitter. Or they don't want to admit there's a more fundamental reason they aren't getting jobs or dates than the X, Y or Z they keep going on about. Either way employers are people. Potential partners are people. YOU are a potential partner therefore do you think you'd judge a guy in the way that you are scared of being judged yourself? I dunno, maybe you do, but if you can relate to him, he's on the same level, then maybe those million and one things society thinks should put anyone off a potential partner will cease to apply.

whether you are aware of it consciously or not telling yourself you aren't good enough is probably at least partly drawn from some "information" gleaned from this mass of bulls***. Something someone, online or IRL has told you either about yourself or society in general. So its not an opinion to be trusted. Have faith in yourself. Anyone who likes cats is awesome in my view anyway regardless of what they think of themselves haha. Easier said than done I know as you can tell well from my rants.

@posie so you realise the job market probably isn't as horrible as you think (it isn't! Lots of places seriously need people! That's the story which the media with its obsession with everything being ultra competitive doesn't tell us) ? Is convincing yourself of this fact that you know the main think stopping you getting a job? Or are other factors involved? I know anxiety is a problem. I struggle with that too. But there has to be a way around. The working world really isn't that mean and people are usually actually nice in most industries and sympathetic to whatever people are going through. ARRRGH if I could strangle the supposedly influential ***** who write "tough love" blogs about how "yous boss won't care about X so deal with it! Grow some balls!" (people write similar things about relationships - mainly aimed at straight men) Don't focus on society's obsession with the negative! What is the main thing blocking you?

Yes I know my every post contradicts my every other post. My brain rocks back and forth every day. Thanks for giving me reason to write this response though. Sometimes I need a vehicle to be more positive as I sure as hell can't be positive about myself.
 

[Audrey822]

16 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

@Audrey822 I think I'll end up being a cat lady come what may (I love kitties so much ). But hopefully I will be a cat lady who isn't single, lol!

 

7 hours ago, posie_riot said:

Cats rock. And you don't have to worry about punishing yourself because they will punish you with cattitude.  

@posie_riot Cats most certainly DO rock! ?

@OpalP25 For awhile, beginning in the Fall of 2012 I was definitely a cat lady (which of course was before my CO came back full-force into my life)...a stray cat in my neighborhood had a litter of 3 little ones in an old empty hanging basket on my backyard fence.  

This is the mama nursing them about a week after I found them

I began feeding the 3 kittens, even named them (much to my husband's chagrin ?)...what was pretty miraculous about this, considering they all remained stray cats through adulthood, they allowed me to interact with them. I began playing with them with a teaser stick and eventually they trusted me enough to even sit on my lap.  A year later, Muffy (the little gray tabby) had kittens of her own. When my 13-year old Yorkie (see my blog entry today ???) passed away in February 2014 ?and we got Snickers a few weeks later I had to quit my "relationship" with these kittens. Snickers is sooooo tiny, still less than 3 lbs...because of her petite size, she can't take preventive flea medication....that put an end to that! Poor baby got infested because I was bringing fleas from the stray kittens into the house to Snickers. So, I'm no longer a cat lady ....except to the cat who owns me, who I've had for 15 years.  

Edited February 28, 2017 by Audrey822

[Audrey822]

7 hours ago, posie_riot said:

That Kate Nash song...wow. I love it. How perfect. 

You've got some great songs on that list. I love all those Adele songs. To Make You Feel My Love is one of my favourite songs (always makes me think of my CO), and her version is great. 

My unrequited love anthem is "I Know It's Over" by The Smiths. "I Want The One I Can't Have"  is another one. Pretty much every song by Morrissey is an unrequited love song in some form. 

OMG, that Kate Nash song. ? I haven't actually heard the song yet. Too many people around right now, but I just checked out the lyrics....? Is she in my head? 

I updated the blog post from yesterday to include the titles of the songs @BattleScars included here, but I didn't copy them in time to get the links too. I may be able to update that later. We definitely need an unrequited love song library for this thread!! @posie_riot I'll add the ones you just mentioned as well. 

[LanaWoof]

Hi aries-gurl. How are you feeling today? Since posting this online and now what have you been doing to help get this under control?

I would definetely recommend speaking to someone in psychiatry/medicine. there ishelp out there. And if you feel brave enough talk to your husband about this also. He may just be more supportive that you might expect.

 

Good luck! :)

[Audrey822]

15 minutes ago, LanaWoof said:

Hi aries-gurl. How are you feeling today? Since posting this online and now what have you been doing to help get this under control?

I would definetely recommend speaking to someone in psychiatry/medicine. there ishelp out there. And if you feel brave enough talk to your husband about this also. He may just be more supportive that you might expect.

 

Good luck! :)

aries-gurl hasn't been here in years. 

[OpalP25]

@Audrey822 Aww those little kitties are so adorable! 

It's been over a year since my cat passed away and I still miss her everyday. :( She really was a soulmate to me... I felt like she understood me so well and always knew how to cheer me up. I think that's the best thing about cats (and all pets) - you love them unconditionally and they love you back just as much. So simple compared to human relationships, haha!

I'd love another pet of my own, but that's going to have to wait a few years. Luckily at the moment, I have two lovely "part-time" cats (one at home and one at university) and quite a few others who I say hello to from time to time. 

[HopelessRomantic2011]

4 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

aries-gurl hasn't been here in years. 

Lots of people haven't been here in years! :( I hope they are all doing well. I know we have quite a few lurkers though... Feel free to join in at any time, guys! :)

[Audrey822]

40 minutes ago, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

Lots of people haven't been here in years! :( I hope they are all doing well. I know we have quite a few lurkers though... Feel free to join in at any time, guys! :)

That's the truth!  Everyone who was here when I joined...all gone.  I agree, I hope they're all doing well.   I was so nervous making my first post here (it shows too...I got quite a few things wrong in it)...I probably checked in every 5 minutes after to see if anyone responded, and I was so worried about what they'd say.  It didn't take long to get a response...it just seemed that way because I felt so exposed. I owe a lot to those people who were here at that time.  They helped me tremendously, as do all of you who are here now.  .  

[Audrey822]

Do you want to hear how ridiculously silly I am?  I was just looking at a YouTube video of my CO...the last comment on the video some woman just said "I can't believe I dated (him) in high school." 

Here's why that's crazy:  He graduated from high school 17-18 months after I was born.   And yet, I'm still ridiculously jealous of this anonymous commenter ?

[HopelessRomantic2011]

43 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

Do you want to hear how ridiculously silly I am?  I was just looking at a YouTube video of my CO...the last comment on the video some woman just said "I can't believe I dated (him) in high school." 

Here's why that's crazy:  He graduated from high school 17-18 months after I was born.   And yet, I'm still ridiculously jealous of this anonymous commenter ?

Sounds normal to me! I'm jealous of anyone my CO has ever dated or will date in the future. I mean, why can't I be that lucky?! (or unlucky because he might be a bad boyfriend for all I know. lol)

[Audrey822]

32 minutes ago, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

Sounds normal to me! I'm jealous of anyone my CO has ever dated or will date in the future. I mean, why can't I be that lucky?! (or unlucky because he might be a bad boyfriend for all I know. lol)

I know he'd be the best boyfriend...not worried about that at all.  In fact, I'm sure if I was dating or married to him now this silly thing wouldn't bother me in the least. My head realizes he's a good man, and too good-looking to have been alone and dateless forever ?...my heart does not want to accept this. ?? My heart wants him to belong only to me, now, always & forever. 

Edited March 1, 2017 by Audrey822