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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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I was just cleaning out a closet full of old journals & papers when I saw "thee" journals from 20-some years ago commemorating my "lost years" of obsession with a musician. Needless to say, I know what the majority of you are describing. I remember it vividly despite it being so long ago. I remember the pain of waking up in the morning and for a SPLIT SECOND having the brain of a "normal" functioning 25 year old - clear and lucid - till the black cloud of longing, limerence and nauseating pain rushed back to its fixed position over my f**king head. I also remembered the following years after "recovery", if you want to call it that, when I decided if I could get anything positive out of that horrible experience, it would be to TRY and help allieviate shame in people silently suffering with this or any kind of limerent feeling for a person (in their actual life or not).

What I discovered in those following years was - SO MANY PEOPLE SECRETLY EXPERIENCE THIS! I am talking people who you would NEVER guess in a million years! Those who seem dynamic and attractive and smart and even self-aware. People can seem very open about so many things, yet obsessive limerent longing for an unattainable person for some reason in many (esp ones who want to appear put-together) can be the ULTIMATE "never tell" secret shame.  Now I am not saying all experiences are remotely the same. But I can say that, once you start owning your problem (which you did NOT ask for, will onto yourself or want in ANY way) and are able to talk about it with no judgement in regards to yourself, and with some humor, you start finding yourself a source of relief to those around you silently suffering. And THAT is real connection. I know this is what many of you are getting out of this page. But in my own experience, what REALLY became magic was when I could use it to touch & connect with people in my own life. THEN the whole s*itstorm became a blessing. No different than thousands of others who go through horrible illnesses, addictions or accidents and now help others where they were. Those people are seen as heroes. Why is your problem - again which you did NOT ask for - any less of a "cause" deserving of sympathy and "spokespeople?" The reason is SHAME.

Some part of my pain during those years was longing for a person who did not know I existed. I know now that MOST of my pain was toxic shame about my lack of control over my mind. It's the shame that keeps wounds open, lives stuck, and hearts closed to real opportunities and the magic of real interaction people. It's shame that keeps you from getting help - and if you do get help - from really LISTENING to and TRUSTING your therapist, STICKING WITH whatever regimen you 2 come up with towards recovery. From being PROACTIVE. It's shame that makes you do impulsive, unfair things towards yourself and others like rush into relationships or marriage in an attempt to "bury" your out-of-control thinking under the guise and responsibilities of "normalcy".

I have been on prozac for over 20 years now. Did I feel "not myself" when I went on it? Hell yes...THANK FREAKING GOD! Do I still have ups & downs, bawl over sad movies & songs, get stuck in thought patterns? Yes. I am still me, I just don't fall down a freaking well for weeks/months/years at a time anymore. I still have my "edge" - but I no longer need to be SO freaking edgy! Living like an emotional edward scissorhands sucks! Living cooped up in your castle sucks.

I have no idea "how" to stop a brain from torturing itself, from casting this freaking evil spell of "nothing is as vibrant, good, alive, satiating, delicious, compatible, needed and MINE as ________(who I can not have)" All I know from my own experience is if you start obsessing in a good (non-judgemental) way over the HOW and WHY of your own self & obsessions, try to look at your situation not as pure failure and "waste of months/years/life" but as SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE...and happens to far, far more people than the handful on this site, you can somehow take the first steps towards pulling out of the trap. You feel less alone, less like a freak, less broken, etc. Ok, maybe still "broken" - lol ;) - but among a sea of "broken" who can still grow, create, live, share, etc, despite a hiccuping brain that might need therapy and/or meds. You can't stop trying to help yourself. Read about limerence and obsessive "love" - see it for what it is! Get to know your own condition of having clinical depression, anxiety, OCD or whatever with the same fervor and intensity you hunt down every scrap you can find on your CO. Guys especially - don't be so terrified about "loosing your identity" or "being labled" as a stalker headcase or whatever. That shame is part of what is suffocating you. EVERYone - including your COs, I assure you (especially them! lol) is a "headcase" - but the REAL headcases out there are those to let shame and fear of being judged/exposed/labled negatively trap and stunt their lives because they refuse to fight for themselves and own their fight....and over time take pride in their fight.

Oh my lord people I am so sorry for this rant!!! GAH! I have been cooped up with the flu for 4 days on top of being snowbound with no one to blab to. Please keep in mind that everything that sounds like me lecturing you all is in a huge way really me reminding MYSELF of all this.  Another bonus to overcoming your "brain shame" - you end up being just as much of a help to yourself (if not more) in your attempts to help others.

Oh, and one more thing.... to the person who said something along the lines of "how stupid I was to think my life was over in my 20s...now I am 30 and it's REALLY over!" Omg...the lols! Not at all in a mean or making fun way - just try to remember saying this when you are 40 ;) 30 IS SO FREAKING YOUNG! So is 40 for that matter, and beyond depending on how well you take care of yourself. Unless your goals are to be a female olympic gymnast, a supermodel or a pop star, I assure you 30 still gives you waaay more than enough time to do what you want to in life (and still look good doing it! ;)

 

 

 

 

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9 minutes ago, After Rain said:

I was just cleaning out a closet full of old journals & papers when I saw "thee" journals from 20-some years ago commemorating my "lost years" of obsession with a musician. Needless to say, I know what the majority of you are describing. I remember it vividly despite it being so long ago. I remember the pain of waking up in the morning and for a SPLIT SECOND having the brain of a "normal" functioning 25 year old - clear and lucid - till the black cloud of longing, limerence and nauseating pain rushed back to its fixed position over my f**king head. I also remembered the following years after "recovery", if you want to call it that, when I decided if I could get anything positive out of that horrible experience, it would be to TRY and help allieviate shame in people silently suffering with this or any kind of limerent feeling for a person (in their actual life or not).

What I discovered in those following years was - SO MANY PEOPLE SECRETLY EXPERIENCE THIS! I am talking people who you would NEVER guess in a million years! Those who seem dynamic and attractive and smart and even self-aware. People can seem very open about so many things, yet obsessive limerent longing for an unattainable person for some reason in many (esp ones who want to appear put-together) can be the ULTIMATE "never tell" secret shame.  Now I am not saying all experiences are remotely the same. But I can say that, once you start owning your problem (which you did NOT ask for, will onto yourself or want in ANY way) and are able to talk about it with no judgement in regards to yourself, and with some humor, you start finding yourself a source of relief to those around you silently suffering. And THAT is real connection. I know this is what many of you are getting out of this page. But in my own experience, what REALLY became magic was when I could use it to touch & connect with people in my own life. THEN the whole s*itstorm became a blessing. No different than thousands of others who go through horrible illnesses, addictions or accidents and now help others where they were. Those people are seen as heroes. Why is your problem - again which you did NOT ask for - any less of a "cause" deserving of sympathy and "spokespeople?" The reason is SHAME.

Some part of my pain during those years was longing for a person who did not know I existed. I know now that MOST of my pain was toxic shame about my lack of control over my mind. It's the shame that keeps wounds open, lives stuck, and hearts closed to real opportunities and the magic of real interaction people. It's shame that keeps you from getting help - and if you do get help - from really LISTENING to and TRUSTING your therapist, STICKING WITH whatever regimen you 2 come up with towards recovery. From being PROACTIVE. It's shame that makes you do impulsive, unfair things towards yourself and others like rush into relationships or marriage in an attempt to "bury" your out-of-control thinking under the guise and responsibilities of "normalcy".

I have been on prozac for over 20 years now. Did I feel "not myself" when I went on it? Hell yes...THANK FREAKING GOD! Do I still have ups & downs, bawl over sad movies & songs, get stuck in thought patterns? Yes. I am still me, I just don't fall down a freaking well for weeks/months/years at a time anymore. I still have my "edge" - but I no longer need to be SO freaking edgy! Living like an emotional edward scissorhands sucks! Living cooped up in your castle sucks.

I have no idea "how" to stop a brain from torturing itself, from casting this freaking evil spell of "nothing is as vibrant, good, alive, satiating, delicious, compatible, needed and MINE as ________(who I can not have)" All I know from my own experience is if you start obsessing in a good (non-judgemental) way over the HOW and WHY of your own self & obsessions, try to look at your situation not as pure failure and "waste of months/years/life" but as SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE...and happens to far, far more people than the handful on this site, you can somehow take the first steps towards pulling out of the trap. You feel less alone, less like a freak, less broken, etc. Ok, maybe still "broken" - lol ;) - but among a sea of "broken" who can still grow, create, live, share, etc, despite a hiccuping brain that might need therapy and/or meds. You can't stop trying to help yourself. Read about limerence and obsessive "love" - see it for what it is! Get to know your own condition of having clinical depression, anxiety, OCD or whatever with the same fervor and intensity you hunt down every scrap you can find on your CO. Guys especially - don't be so terrified about "loosing your identity" or "being labled" as a stalker headcase or whatever. That shame is part of what is suffocating you. EVERYone - including your COs, I assure you (especially them! lol) is a "headcase" - but the REAL headcases out there are those to let shame and fear of being judged/exposed/labled negatively trap and stunt their lives because they refuse to fight for themselves and own their fight....and over time take pride in their fight.

Oh my lord people I am so sorry for this rant!!! GAH! I have been cooped up with the flu for 4 days on top of being snowbound with no one to blab to. Please keep in mind that everything that sounds like me lecturing you all is in a huge way really me reminding MYSELF of all this.  Another bonus to overcoming your "brain shame" - you end up being just as much of a help to yourself (if not more) in your attempts to help others.

Oh, and one more thing.... to the person who said something along the lines of "how stupid I was to think my life was over in my 20s...now I am 30 and it's REALLY over!" Omg...the lols! Not at all in a mean or making fun way - just try to remember saying this when you are 40 ;) 30 IS SO FREAKING YOUNG! So is 40 for that matter, and beyond depending on how well you take care of yourself. Unless your goals are to be a female olympic gymnast, a supermodel or a pop star, I assure you 30 still gives you waaay more than enough time to do what you want to in life (and still look good doing it! ;)

 

 

 

 

Welcome and thanks for the encouraging post! 

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17 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

ha!  I'm glad to hear you're still working on your stories, even if it's only in your imagination.  So am I...in my imagination and in writing.  I still don't have the heart to make my CO cheat on me though.  Nope...can't do it. ?

There's no reason why you should. I'm just a weirdo! :) But it was after they had been together for like 14 years. I don't think she's going to leave him, so maybe it'll just make their marriage stronger. But she's also becoming attracted to their 12 year old son's English teacher, so I don't know...

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On 12/23/2016 at 4:18 PM, nothingatall7878 said:

I'm not trying to be rude but this is what I mean about the pictures. What if somebodys obsession here is Paul McCartney? Well anyway, happy holidays.

Quote

In reading a bunch of these posts today, I myself was wondering...there are many who put down the sig. others of their COs (like yourself! ;) ) and openly badmouth them (understandably, mind you - this page NEEDS to be about being free to vent the stuff you can't anywhere else). But I wonder if anyone's CO are these significant others?? Lol...what a conundrum...wanting to be supportive but at the same time getting so triggered hearing the one you love ripped to shreads. Has that ever happened here before?

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On 1/3/2017 at 8:29 PM, fabulousrockstar said:

I think I had an epiphany today.

I checked my new e-mail address to see if Steven had answered me back, and he hadn't.

I realized that I did everything right. I told him I was sorry, I told him he had been my inspiration for almost 13 years, and I wished him the best of luck in everything. I also gave him an out regarding answering me back. I told him he didn't have to.

For the first time...I'm actually OK with whatever happens. My conscience is clear. I admitted my wrongdoings and tried to make amends. If he doesn't want to, I'm OK with it. He's too fabulous to put up with drama like me. He deserves better than me. I don't need his approval to make my life better. I can't believe I actually reached this point, and it took a long time getting there. But I made it and it feels pretty darn good.

Whatever. I'm at peace with the idea that he's nothing more than a sweet fantasy and that the idea of who he is and who he really is are two different people. I deserve to have my fantasy without judgment from myself or others. I'm not going to let the harsh truth distract me from what makes me feel good and sane, nor am I going to let this obsession take over my life like it had done. I'm fine. I hereby set myself free. No longer will he be the main focus of my life, but he will simply be a muse of mine.

Steven, if you do happen to stumble upon this site, just know that I thank you for being the light I needed in my darkest times. You will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will always respect you and admire you just the way you are. Thank you.

That is fantastic to hear! How has that been holding up? Have there been things you are doing to fill the space?

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2 minutes ago, After Rain said:

In reading a bunch of these posts today, I myself was wondering...there are many who put down the sig. others of their COs (like yourself! ;) ) and openly badmouth them (understandably, mind you - this page NEEDS to be about being free to vent the stuff you can't anywhere else). But I wonder if anyone's CO are these significant others?? Lol...what a conundrum...wanting to be supportive but at the same time getting so triggered hearing the one you love ripped to shreads. Has that ever happened here before?

A lot of people choose not to reveal the identity of their COs, so as long as you don't name your CO or their significant other, we won't know who you're talking about anyway. lol

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17 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

ha!  I'm glad to hear you're still working on your stories, even if it's only in your imagination.  So am I...in my imagination and in writing.  I still don't have the heart to make my CO cheat on me though.  Nope...can't do it. ?

 

11 minutes ago, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

There's no reason why you should. I'm just a weirdo! :) But it was after they had been together for like 14 years. I don't think she's going to leave him, so maybe it'll just make their marriage stronger. But she's also becoming attracted to their 12 year old son's English teacher, so I don't know...

Your story sounds intriguing...and bold!! I'd read such a story...sounds good.

The reason I quoted my post, I was surprised to see what I said when you quoted me...of course I meant to say I don't have the heart to make my CO cheat on my  alter ego!! ?

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3 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

 

Your story sounds intriguing...and bold!! I'd read such a story...sounds good.

The reason I quoted my post, I was surprised to see what I said when you quoted me...of course I meant to say I don't have the heart to make my CO cheat on my  alter ego!! ?

Thanks! I knew what you meant. :) I'd name the intelligent and gorgeous actor who inspired the English teacher character (he actually was a teacher before he started acting), but I'm reluctant to say who in case he ever becomes a CO of mine in the future. haha I mean, I'm a fan, but I'm not that crazy about him. It's just a question of whether my alter ego character needs to give up on musicians once and for all and go for a nice, "normal" guy...

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36 minutes ago, After Rain said:

In reading a bunch of these posts today, I myself was wondering...there are many who put down the sig. others of their COs (like yourself! ;) ) and openly badmouth them (understandably, mind you - this page NEEDS to be about being free to vent the stuff you can't anywhere else). But I wonder if anyone's CO are these significant others?? Lol...what a conundrum...wanting to be supportive but at the same time getting so triggered hearing the one you love ripped to shreads. Has that ever happened here before?

I don't think it has, at least not in the 3+ years I've been here. You make a great point though!!

Welcome to the thread, by the way. ?

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15 hours ago, MysteryName said:

ABSOLUTELY NO ONE (worth listening to) would say that 23,24,25 is too late for ANYTHING! The ONLY mistake you can really make in your 20's is concluding you're too late for things. I wish I could go back and tell myself that before I hit 30 and really did become too late. A lot of people wish they could go back in time and give themselves a big slap. I'd beat myself ****ing unconscious.
 

Oh honey.....try reading your post from my perspective at 60+ and wishing I could go back to your age...or even 40!!  My therapist even tries to convince me I shouldn't be saying it's too late...if that's true and she's right about me, not any one of you should be saying this!! (I say this with love for all of you!) 

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18 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

Oh honey.....try reading your post from my perspective at 60+ and wishing I could go back to your age...or even 40!!  My therapist even tries to convince me I shouldn't be saying it's too late...if that's true and she's right about me, not any one of you should be saying this!! (I say this with love for all of you!) 

Yeah, I think a lot of people feel like life has passed them by and now it's too late regardless of how old they are. I actually hate admitting my age even though I know that's silly, but it's mostly due to me feeling like I haven't accomplished everything that I should've accomplished by this time. I don't feel like a thirtysomething year old woman inside. I am still pretty immature about a lot of things.

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I am new to this thread but I did read about someone's CO being Michael Jackson and I feel for that person because he was mine too for an extremely long, long time. I would lay in bed at night and cry my eyes out cursing everything for not making the circumstances right for us to be together.  I would think about him a good majority of my day, write him love letters that I never sent, make scrapbooks of his photo's...it was such a serious obsession that my mother was extremely worried about me. In middle school I was the girl people would refer to as "That Michael Jackson girl"  Everyone knew my feelings for him...when he died I had a crazy amount of people sending me letters, emails, texts...telling me they were sorry. His death almost destroyed me. 

My latest CO is the Weeknd.  When I discovered his old EP's...the lyrics, his vibe, when I found out how depressed he was and how lonely he felt...I just felt like I was the perfect girl for him. That I was someone that would understand him. Which, according to his music, was what he was looking for.  I felt the same way. One weekend I locked myself in my room...I didn't even eat anything and I closed the curtains and listened to his music for two days straight, day-dreaming about us being together.  I couldn't stop.  Since he has become more famous and well known, he isn't a CO much anymore, although when I found out he was dating Selena Gomez my heart still hurt and I was EXTREMELY JEALOUS!  So I guess I am not over him yet. :-/ 

Is there a thread like this for people who aren't celebrities? 

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20 minutes ago, VictorianGoth said:

I am new to this thread but I did read about someone's CO being Michael Jackson and I feel for that person because he was mine too for an extremely long, long time. I would lay in bed at night and cry my eyes out cursing everything for not making the circumstances right for us to be together.  I would think about him a good majority of my day, write him love letters that I never sent, make scrapbooks of his photo's...it was such a serious obsession that my mother was extremely worried about me. In middle school I was the girl people would refer to as "That Michael Jackson girl"  Everyone knew my feelings for him...when he died I had a crazy amount of people sending me letters, emails, texts...telling me they were sorry. His death almost destroyed me. 

My latest CO is the Weeknd.  When I discovered his old EP's...the lyrics, his vibe, when I found out how depressed he was and how lonely he felt...I just felt like I was the perfect girl for him. That I was someone that would understand him. Which, according to his music, was what he was looking for.  I felt the same way. One weekend I locked myself in my room...I didn't even eat anything and I closed the curtains and listened to his music for two days straight, day-dreaming about us being together.  I couldn't stop.  Since he has become more famous and well known, he isn't a CO much anymore, although when I found out he was dating Selena Gomez my heart still hurt and I was EXTREMELY JEALOUS!  So I guess I am not over him yet. :-/ 

Is there a thread like this for people who aren't celebrities? 

I've been fortunate enough not to experience it yet, but I'm sure the death of a CO must be devastating. I'm sorry you went through that. Michael made such a huge impact and he won't be forgotten.

The Weeknd is very talented. I like all of his songs that I've heard so far.  

I'm not aware whether there's a thread about non-celebrity obsessions here. Luckily, I don't currently have one of those!

Edited by HopelessRomantic2011
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@After Rain Excellent first post!

I completely agree that the sense of shame that comes with having a CO is a big reason why many people don't seek help for this. It's definitely not an issue that society understands very well. That's why this board is so important - we have the opportunity to speak with others who are going through the exact same thing, so we don't have that fear of being judged. I know I wouldn't dare to mention my obsession to any of my friends or family members...

I also agree with you that having a sense of humour about this is really helpful. It sounds like you're doing a great job at the moment at dealing with your obsession, so well done to you! :)

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33 minutes ago, OpalP25 said:

@After Rain Excellent first post!

I completely agree that the sense of shame that comes with having a CO is a big reason why many people don't seek help for this. It's definitely not an issue that society understands very well. That's why this board is so important - we have the opportunity to speak with others who are going through the exact same thing, so we don't have that fear of being judged. I know I wouldn't dare to mention my obsession to any of my friends or family members...

I also agree with you that having a sense of humour about this is really helpful. It sounds like you're doing a great job at the moment at dealing with your obsession, so well done to you! :)

I actually haven't had an actual CO in many years - the one I am referring to in my 20s I overcame with a good therapist, prozac (and STAYING ON IT even when I felt like a looser for being on it) and a ton of reading on mindfulness/meditation & thought disorders in general. I actually developed a really rewarding fascination with psychology & the nature of love/attachment as a result. I will always be the type to have extra mad love for the artists, actors, etc who move me the most, but now they remain purely muses & inspiration that enrich my life and give me stuff to share with other actual loved ones. They take up residence in a nice little guest house in the back of my brain & heart instead of being the drunk guest at the party who wrecks the place and refuses to leave ;)

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In terms of my obsession situation, I think I could reach a turning point soon. I spent yesterday with a great friend, and ended up opening up to her about some of my love life issues (not the CO, but pretty much everything else). She assured me that there is still hope for me out there and that I can do better than both my ex and my high school crush.

It's worth mentioning that this is someone who has the dating/partying life that you would expect a 21 year old to have. She is also a very mature and well-adjusted person. Compare that with me who's about as emotionally immature as you can get, lol! I'm starting to see that avoiding dating for so long and spending so much time on my own has not been good for me, even if I've seen it as a way of protecting myself from emotional pain.

It's true that what happened with my high school crush sucked. What happened with my ex sucked. It also sucks sometimes to be such an obsessive person, and so introverted and socially anxious... But I can't carry on being the way I am now. I feel like I've already missed out on a lot, and I just don't want that to continue.

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14 minutes ago, OpalP25 said:

In terms of my obsession situation, I think I could reach a turning point soon. I spent yesterday with a great friend, and ended up opening up to her about some of my love life issues (not the CO, but pretty much everything else). She assured me that there is still hope for me out there and that I can do better than both my ex and my high school crush.

It's worth mentioning that this is someone who has the dating/partying life that you would expect a 21 year old to have. She is also a very mature and well-adjusted person. Compare that with me who's about as emotionally immature as you can get, lol! I'm starting to see that avoiding dating for so long and spending so much time on my own has not been good for me, even if I've seen it as a way of protecting myself from emotional pain.

It's true that what happened with my high school crush sucked. What happened with my ex sucked. It also sucks sometimes to be such an obsessive person, and so introverted and socially anxious... But I can't carry on being the way I am now. I feel like I've already missed out on a lot, and I just don't want that to continue.

Maybe a good way to kind of baby-step telling trusted friends/family about your obsession is to just address it abstractly. Instead of plowing in with the whole sordid tale at once, throw in there that "part of" your problem "might" also has to do with "obsessive thinking about certain things", lol. Have the stress be on the struggle to keep the preoccupation at bay - because that IS the real core issue, after all. They don't need to know right away (or at all) that is a celebrity or even a person. OCD-type thinking comes in a million different forms but what they all have in common is how they halt your life & growth and the shame that so often comes with it. Soooooo many people out there struggle with some form of OCD. Just because yours has to do with an attractive stranger doesn't make yours more shameful than the ones people tend to open up about more (hand washing, counting, etc).

 

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25 minutes ago, OpalP25 said:

In terms of my obsession situation, I think I could reach a turning point soon. I spent yesterday with a great friend, and ended up opening up to her about some of my love life issues (not the CO, but pretty much everything else). She assured me that there is still hope for me out there and that I can do better than both my ex and my high school crush.

It's worth mentioning that this is someone who has the dating/partying life that you would expect a 21 year old to have. She is also a very mature and well-adjusted person. Compare that with me who's about as emotionally immature as you can get, lol! I'm starting to see that avoiding dating for so long and spending so much time on my own has not been good for me, even if I've seen it as a way of protecting myself from emotional pain.

It's true that what happened with my high school crush sucked. What happened with my ex sucked. It also sucks sometimes to be such an obsessive person, and so introverted and socially anxious... But I can't carry on being the way I am now. I feel like I've already missed out on a lot, and I just don't want that to continue.

I know what you mean. My self-esteem has always been really low even though there's really no good reason why it should be. I've just never felt like I fit in or measured up to other people. Everyone else seems to be able to handle life better than me and they just carry themselves with more confidence. Today, I was trying on outfits to see what I wanted to wear when I meet my CO (they still haven't announced any tour dates near me, but I'm getting my outfit together anyway! :smilingteeth:) So anyway, I put on this one outfit and I was like, "Damn, I look really hot!" lol But do I try and make an effort to look my best on a daily basis when it actually counts? Not at all. It's like I have no motivation to do anything or improve myself unless it's CO-related, and that's sad. Basically, I just feel like I don't live up to my true potential at all and if someone else could jump into my body, that person would've done a better job at living my life than I do.

But I say all this and I know that I'm still not going to change. I just don't want it enough, apparently. But I do wish you luck with the changes that you want to make!

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So glad I found this thread!  I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out a way to stop the celebrity crushes.  This has been going on since I was about 10 and am now 50.  Sad I know.  Its always a female and it goes on for years until I find another one to obsess about.  I pretend we are friends or more and think about them all the time.  I want to be like them.  I have been on meds since I was 32 years old for depression and anxiety but this hasn't stopped the obsessive crushes.  I have never really accomplished all the things I wanted to do with my life.  I wanted to be a writer, actress and a singer at different times in my life so sometimes I think I'm living my life through them.  I didn't even try to better myself.  To be honest I'm scared to death to even change jobs much less try something like that.  I have no faith in myself so I'm just surviving, dreaming about what could have been.  Thanks for letting me vent.

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49 minutes ago, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

I know what you mean. My self-esteem has always been really low even though there's really no good reason why it should be. I've just never felt like I fit in or measured up to other people. Everyone else seems to be able to handle life better than me and they just carry themselves with more confidence. Today, I was trying on outfits to see what I wanted to wear when I meet my CO (they still haven't announced any tour dates near me, but I'm getting my outfit together anyway! :smilingteeth:) So anyway, I put on this one outfit and I was like, "Damn, I look really hot!" lol But do I try and make an effort to look my best on a daily basis when it actually counts? Not at all. It's like I have no motivation to do anything or improve myself unless it's CO-related, and that's sad. Basically, I just feel like I don't live up to my true potential at all and if someone else could jump into my body, that person would've done a better job at living my life than I do.

But I say all this and I know that I'm still not going to change. I just don't want it enough, apparently. But I do wish you luck with the changes that you want to make!

The bolded bit doesn't sound sad it just sounds like the classic symptoms of depression and I bet half of us can relate. I can relate to everything else you wrote too. Maybe having a CO is a positive thing. It gave you that moment when you felt good about yourself and something to feel motivated about. It starts with the CO - that's encouraging - and some day will apply to other stuff too. Another person or something else. @After Rain said we shouldn't feel shame about our CO's so maybe its only the shame that's stopping us recognizing how having a CO may be helping us.

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18 hours ago, After Rain said:

 

Oh, and one more thing.... to the person who said something along the lines of "how stupid I was to think my life was over in my 20s...now I am 30 and it's REALLY over!" Omg...the lols! Not at all in a mean or making fun way - just try to remember saying this when you are 40 ;) 30 IS SO FREAKING YOUNG! So is 40 for that matter, and beyond depending on how well you take care of yourself. Unless your goals are to be a female olympic gymnast, a supermodel or a pop star, I assure you 30 still gives you waaay more than enough time to do what you want to in life (and still look good doing it! ;)

 

 

 

 

Thanks After Rain for your whole post even though I was shamed in it haha (more on that later). Its rare that someone who isn't seeking help for their current CO's turns up here to help others and actually says something understanding and useful (we've had a few which have not been that!).

Thanks also especially for specifically mentioning men with CO's. I sometimes feel that if everyone agrees that having a CO is nothing to be ashamed of, that there are so many people on this forum, the elephant in the room that I will secretly be thinking is "yeah but everyone else here (more or less) is female so none of this proves that guys having CO's is anything other than totally abnormal, freaky potential stalker territory". There definitely is a difference. Aside from the stalker thing (where men are seen as far more dangerous than women) passively pining for someone rather than actually doing something, especially someone far more successful than you are, gushing on the internet, fanboying out and totally losing it when you meet a celebrity crush are all things that are seen as very emasculating for a man.

As for the age thing. Regardless of what age I am now what age am I going to be when I somehow manage to get over this mountain of issues to become a functional human being? If I ever do. How old will I be when I get a job I'm not incapable of (no stability to buy a house or settle coz I can't concentrate at work and think every next day I'll be found out and lose the job)? How old will I be when I can actually become an interesting person, someone who actually does things outside of work and has interests rather than just constantly thinking of my CO? How old will I be when I've got over the self hate? How old will I be when I've learnt basic social skills that everyone else learnt at school? How old will I be when I've learnt how to attract someone? How old will I be when I'm interesting and successful enough to be a valid partner for a woman in her 30's (or younger woman looking to date a bit older- makes no difference)?  It will be years yet. 35? 40? 50? If ever. I thought I could start the process with a new job and a new town but no because I can't do this job and still can't concentrate and still devoting all my mental energy to my CO. I haven't matured one dot in all "adult"hood so I have to start a long process from scratch before I could, for example, be even at the point of being able to date someone.

Of the already tiny number of women in their 30's who are still single and childless (don't have a problem with women with children but in terms of life experience they'd see me as an immature school kid) they'd all be a million miles ahead in relationship experience not willing to give a second chance to a guy who has had barely any relationship experience. They're not at the point in their lives of figuring relationships out for the first time - why should they put up with someone who is?

I didn't mean to make that rant all about finding love, it seems to have become that. It's other stuff besides. I decided a while ago I just needed something to give me fulfilment - work, hobbies or love - but none are working. I wish I was still in the place a few years back of accepting I'd scrap the love side, make life simpler, realize it wasn't going to happen in my life, concentrate on the other bits. Life was so much simpler. But my CO has brought me out of retirement looking for lovewise, not really my choice. And brought me out of retirement 3 years older so with 3 years less chance and in a 3 years worse position. If I had given up hope then - why have hope now? why have hope when I'm 35 and have (optimistically) sorted out my other issues?

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42 minutes ago, annieb said:

So glad I found this thread!  I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out a way to stop the celebrity crushes.  This has been going on since I was about 10 and am now 50.  Sad I know.  Its always a female and it goes on for years until I find another one to obsess about.  I pretend we are friends or more and think about them all the time.  I want to be like them.  I have been on meds since I was 32 years old for depression and anxiety but this hasn't stopped the obsessive crushes.  I have never really accomplished all the things I wanted to do with my life.  I wanted to be a writer, actress and a singer at different times in my life so sometimes I think I'm living my life through them.  I didn't even try to better myself.  To be honest I'm scared to death to even change jobs much less try something like that.  I have no faith in myself so I'm just surviving, dreaming about what could have been.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Welcome annieb! Glad you found this thread! Wish I could advise but if I new how to get over the issues you describe I wouldn't have them myself :(

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2 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

@After Rain Excellent first post!

I completely agree that the sense of shame that comes with having a CO is a big reason why many people don't seek help for this. It's definitely not an issue that society understands very well. That's why this board is so important - we have the opportunity to speak with others who are going through the exact same thing, so we don't have that fear of being judged. I know I wouldn't dare to mention my obsession to any of my friends or family members...

I also agree with you that having a sense of humour about this is really helpful. It sounds like you're doing a great job at the moment at dealing with your obsession, so well done to you! :)


Funny for me you say this now as I just, literally the other day, managed to tell my best friend about my CO. This is a guy I tell everything to, gives an indication of how bad the CO shame is that this was about the only thing I hadn't told him. First person I ever have told. Although it wasn't really a big revelation. He's known I have a crush on her for a while and I find myself casually mentioning her more and more, so much that he gives hints that he's realised my crush is quite intense. Well - all I told him was that I was becoming (hmm "becoming" is not quite true - try 2 years!) so obsessed with her that it was starting to worry me and that I thought it was sad for a 30 year old guy to be so into a celebrity who doesn't know he exists. He just said its not sad and said its good that I have a girl in my life who looks like my CO (who I had mentioned before). There's is nothing I can do with this girl in my life. I don't even know her really. But it was nice telling him in some way anyway. Liberating.

I guess it is possible to gradually or partly reveal obsessions to friends and family. They may suspect something. It may be just one more step. It may be possible to do it casually, see the reaction, then make it clear this something that really bothers you. Or maybe that's a bad idea. I dunno. I can't give advise or I wouldn't be in this mess.

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