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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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6 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

@HopelessRomantic2011 Ugh that sucks... Good for you that you can deal with it though, and hopefully it might turn out to be just a rumour. :)

Yeah, it hasn't been confirmed. Other fans just saw a pic of them together and started speculating that they're dating. Of course it's selfish of me to want him to stay single. My former CO and his wife just welcomed their second child, and most of my former COs are married with children (which is normal for men in their 30s). So my COs are just going to have to keep getting younger and younger if I want them to be single and childless! lol

 

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@HopelessRomantic2011 Some fans just love to speculate... There are a few of those types among my CO's fans and while I know they're just having fun, their speculations can cause problems to a paranoid person such as myself, lol!

But you're right that it's inevitable that people (including COs) are going to have relationships, and unfortunately it's just something we have to deal with (I know I'm very lucky not to have been in that particular situation yet).

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On ‎04‎/‎02‎/‎2017 at 3:09 PM, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

Yeah, it hasn't been confirmed. Other fans just saw a pic of them together and started speculating that they're dating. Of course it's selfish of me to want him to stay single. My former CO and his wife just welcomed their second child, and most of my former COs are married with children (which is normal for men in their 30s). So my COs are just going to have to keep getting younger and younger if I want them to be single and childless! lol

 

I sometimes think its better for us when there is attention on the CO's love life. My CO could now be in a year old committed relationship, could be engaged, and I'd have no clue about it as no one seems to speculate about her love life. And that kills me! Having a social media alarm whenever she starts dating someone is better than suddenly finding out about a year old relationship as starting to date is a lot less of deal. Even I've started to date - and got nowhere hah. Not for a very long time. And of course I start to speculate myself based on any tiny clue. And that is lonely and painful. Now look I'm the one being selfish! Obviously the lack of speculation is far better for her.

And if you're selfish then we all are. It's not selfish thinking human thoughts and being self aware. It's selfish acting on them. I've posted far more weird ****ed up and selfish thoughts here.

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Sorry I never post and then reappear looking for advice. I live in a state of denial - if I deny I have an obsession maybe it will go away. And part of denying is taking a holiday from this forum (although I didn't have internet a lot of time travelling). But that is totally erroneous. Denial doesn't make it go away in fact it probably never will. I am imprisoned.

And I miss posting here. There's always a feeling of sort of unease talking to anyone. A feeling of, no matter what we're discussing, what if you knew what was going on in my head - how I'm only giving you part of my attention despite this important interesting conversation about big important things part of my mind is constantly on a celebrity that doesn't know I exist, what would you think if you knew? What if we're discussing people in our actual lives? people who care about us? and my mind is instead on a celebrity who wouldn't even notice me.

And then I log on here and think here is a place where I don't have to pretend. But then I don't post because I'm scared of making it even more real and scared of her or someone I know finding it.

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She fricken kills me though:

My comfort in the dead years was the promise of something different in the future. If I got a job I could move out and begin re-piecing my life. I was allowed to put my life on hold because it was the dead years. Now I have a job and have moved out but I'm not re-piecing my life. I still waste every second mostly looking up stuff on her. What am I supposed to do now? The fundamental problem of having no will power and no interest in anything except her is still unchanged. What can change things now?

I need to complete my creative project and, the thing colleagues tell me - that the first week teething problems of this job are nothing to worry about - has to be true. If both those things don't happen I'm done for. And thinking about her is stopping both.

Arrrgh this must look so pathetic and whiny to her. "If you want to achieve something just ****** turn off the internet and do it! The only one stopping you is you so why are you complaining!". As some sort of weird strategy I changed one of my fantasised meetings with her to her giving me tough love advice "I achieved my success because I actually tried and worked hard and worked through my setbacks. Why should I give a crap about a guy who can't do the same?And you haven't even had any setbacks - you just can't be bothered to start." Seemed totally out of character in her voice - every indication going is that she is the sweetest woman imaginable.

There has never been a sharper contrast in value between admirer and admiree with any two people in human history than with me and her. That knowledge kills me. How can I fantasize about being with her when that's true? She can do everything - I can do nothing. She is stunningly stunningly stunningly beautiful - I'm a pasty sick looking bald guy. She's enchantingly upbeat - I'm usually grumpy. She achieved her dreams - I have no dreams anymore. She is constantly contributing and creating - I can't finish or barely start a single project and only consume.

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Just her celebrity status itself seems unnerving to me. I picture a sweet dorky girl and then remember exactly who I am talking about. I am talking about THE ____ _____ !! I am probably one of countless guys having the same thoughts about her. She must be other people's CO besides mine. True, she's very far from being an A lister but she could still cause a major sensation doing a simple. She makes strangers days just by walking down a street and has had some impact on millions of people.

I can't even get over what being a celebrity actually means. A real celebrity, not someone who was born into it or had one lucky break. How few people are good enough at what they do to achieve fame, it means you have made more of an individual impact on the world that 99.99999999% of the human population of everyone most of us have ever known. I find it awkward enough just talking to someone who went to a top uni or became an entrepreneur or made it full time in a creative profession in their 20's but no one I've ever met is anything compared to her accomplishments! Is this seriously someone I feel I can relate to? Me? Megaloser.

I often speculate what her life is really like. She has said a while ago she doesn't feel like a celebrity and doesn't get recognized that much but surely she must now. She turns up everywhere. Do paparazzi ever follow her? Does she get enough attention from people in general to make regular life more complicated or is her life mostly normal?

Anyone else get feelings like this? Thinking about how rare and extraordinary fame really is just puts distance between us and our CO's.

Edited by MysteryName
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On ‎07‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 11:41 PM, posie_riot said:

I'm getting better at small talk as I get older, but of course it's all phoney. I can't get past that small talk stage with anyone (male or female). I don't know how to open up or bond with people. I'm guilty of not asking people the right kind of questions about themselves, which probably makes me seem uninterested, but really I'm just scared of having to reveal the same type of information about myself to them. I don't ask people the kind of questions that I myself don't want to answer. People seem to pick up on my reservation and treat me the way they think I want to be treated (I.e they leave me alone). I watch the same people I'm making small talk with become closer and closer to each other and then I just fade into the background completely. Not good for dating, that's for sure. I often think...what guy would want to go through the effort of getting to know me when there are other great women out there who are so much easier to talk to? 

As much as I'd love to be with my CO, I'm quite certain I'd experience the same problems with him that I would with any other man. I think about that a lot, actually. Maybe things would be different with my CO, but I can't be sure. 

I don't know if you can even remember saying this its going back so far. I wanted to reply when I first read it as it resonated so much but it was already pages back due to finally getting back to internet and I was in avoidant mood. EVERYTHING resonated! I got very upset travelling as I thought finally I was bonding with people... and then I'd be witness to what bonding REALLY looks like. I could talk for an hour and then run out of things to say - then I'd realize two people are staying up all night talking, had a mass of injokes and tom foolery, genuine sadness when one leaves etc. etc. I realised I thought I was bonding but don't know what bonding really looks like! And yes I can relate to the question thing to! Or I don't want to ask them as I'm scared of the answers. Sick of finding out every conversation that the person I'm talking to is better than me. I can't imagine how much worse it would be with my CO! How do I possibly think I could bond with her?!

And then of course losing my interests kills any ability to bond I once had. What can I talk about with people? her? If only someone would ask me! :)

Edited by MysteryName
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Ok. Enough!

I'm actually not always negative. Or self obsessed. Just had to let it all out. Even sometimes have a sense of humour although it doesn't look like it! (My CO is a comedian and I can't make my own jokes - pathetic)

I promise I will stick around a bit this time. Certainly won't ignore people who respond to me at least. That is pretty awful.

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18 hours ago, MysteryName said:

I don't know if you can even remember saying this its going back so far. I wanted to reply when I first read it as it resonated so much but it was already pages back due to finally getting back to internet and I was in avoidant mood. EVERYTHING resonated! I got very upset travelling as I thought finally I was bonding with people... and then I'd be witness to what bonding REALLY looks like. I could talk for an hour and then run out of things to say - then I'd realize two people are staying up all night talking, had a mass of injokes and tom foolery, genuine sadness when one leaves etc. etc. I realised I thought I was bonding but don't know what bonding really looks like! And yes I can relate to the question thing to! Or I don't want to ask them as I'm scared of the answers. Sick of finding out every conversation that the person I'm talking to is better than me. I can't imagine how much worse it would be with my CO! How do I possibly think I could bond with her?!

And then of course losing my interests kills any ability to bond I once had. What can I talk about with people? her? If only someone would ask me! :)

Do you consider yourself an introvert? I'm an introvert, and because of that, I don't feed off of other people's energy the way a lot of people do. In fact, spending a lot of time with other people drains me. For this reason, I don't go out of my way to hang out with others...not even people I like. I find socialization, on the whole, exhausting. The experience of always keeping to myself (because I'm more comfortable by myself) seems to have had the unfortunate effect of stunting my development, socially. Now, even when I want to get close to people, I can't. There's a mental block. I don't have any...charm, I guess you could say. I don't present myself well. As an introvert, you could even say that - in my natural state - I'm not as eager to be liked by others as an extrovert might be. That doesn't mean I don't want people to like me. I'm just not desperate for the kind of positive attention that comes from having friends. Some people, without even realizing it, are desperate for that attention. They need it. They can't be by themselves. 

Since I have this mental block preventing me from engaging with people beyond casual small talk, I rely on other people to engage with me. But other people usually don't engage with me, because my introversion makes me a non-figure. For example, I had a group of friends in high school that I spent every day with at school. They used to do things outside of school and not invite me, or they'd talk to each other outside of school and not include me. I don't think they found me unlikeable...I think I was just extremely easy to ignore. I'm like the opposite of an attention-seeker. People treat me the way I act. You could say that I got out of those friendships what I was putting in. Unfortunately, as a introverted person (with social anxiety to boot), I was putting my all into those friendships and it wasn't enough to leave an impression. It never is. I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself now, but I'm not. It just is what it is. I'm "the quiet one". That's how people identify me, no matter how much I talk. 

Of course, I will appear the same way to my CO as I appear to everyone else. My only hope is that he would somehow be able to see past the un-fascinating exterior and give me a chance. I think I have a lot to offer in a relationship. I just need someone who is willing to put in the extra effort required to be with me. I hope my CO could be that person. Your CO may surprise you and give you more of a chance that others have. She sounds like a great person, from what you've said about her. She may become curious about you and want to see the best in you. You are so, so hard on yourself. You're doing well and have come a long way even just since signing up for this site. No one on the planet (I'm serious) would judge you as hard as you judge yourself...your CO included. Please be kinder to yourself. You really do deserve it :console:

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On ‎07‎/‎02‎/‎2017 at 9:46 PM, posie_riot said:

Do you consider yourself an introvert? I'm an introvert, and because of that, I don't feed off of other people's energy the way a lot of people do. In fact, spending a lot of time with other people drains me. For this reason, I don't go out of my way to hang out with others...not even people I like. I find socialization, on the whole, exhausting. The experience of always keeping to myself (because I'm more comfortable by myself) seems to have had the unfortunate effect of stunting my development, socially. Now, even when I want to get close to people, I can't. There's a mental block. I don't have any...charm, I guess you could say. I don't present myself well. As an introvert, you could even say that - in my natural state - I'm not as eager to be liked by others as an extrovert might be. That doesn't mean I don't want people to like me. I'm just not desperate for the kind of positive attention that comes from having friends. Some people, without even realizing it, are desperate for that attention. They need it. They can't be by themselves. 

Since I have this mental block preventing me from engaging with people beyond casual small talk, I rely on other people to engage with me. But other people usually don't engage with me, because my introversion makes me a non-figure. For example, I had a group of friends in high school that I spent every day with at school. They used to do things outside of school and not invite me, or they'd talk to each other outside of school and not include me. I don't think they found me unlikeable...I think I was just extremely easy to ignore. I'm like the opposite of an attention-seeker. People treat me the way I act. You could say that I got out of those friendships what I was putting in. Unfortunately, as a introverted person (with social anxiety to boot), I was putting my all into those friendships and it wasn't enough to leave an impression. It never is. I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself now, but I'm not. It just is what it is. I'm "the quiet one". That's how people identify me, no matter how much I talk. 

Of course, I will appear the same way to my CO as I appear to everyone else. My only hope is that he would somehow be able to see past the un-fascinating exterior and give me a chance. I think I have a lot to offer in a relationship. I just need someone who is willing to put in the extra effort required to be with me. I hope my CO could be that person. Your CO may surprise you and give you more of a chance that others have. She sounds like a great person, from what you've said about her. She may become curious about you and want to see the best in you. You are so, so hard on yourself. You're doing well and have come a long way even just since signing up for this site. No one on the planet (I'm serious) would judge you as hard as you judge yourself...your CO included. Please be kinder to yourself. You really do deserve it :console:

I'm definitely an introvert. Half the population are introverts though!

You know I shouldn't even care about bonding. I'm socially non functional. I've known that for years. It's not news. You know 2 years ago before all this ridiculous CO bulls*** happened and my life fell to pieces (CO bulls*** effect, not cause, also partly cause) I was actually at peace with being a loner who'd never get a girlfriend. As long as I had the 3 friends I'd had since teenagerhood and I was actually doing something in my life. Anything. Just doing something. I'd be able to keep myself occupied.

Now I've lost my hobbies, those 3 friends I'm losing and as for work. I'm finished. I'm just finished. I wish I was dead. And here's the absolute TL;DR core of everything I've rambled about here:

MY BRAIN DOES NOT WORK!!!

AVOIDING HER, AVOIDING THE INTERNET DOES NOT WORK!! Even if I have no internet access the central core of everything is...

I CANNOT CONCENTRATE FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR IN TOTAL IN A DAY!!

I CANNOT DO ANYTHING!!

I CANNOT THINK!!

I HAVE NO ENERGY!!

I'll lose this job. **** it. Its . Its not what I want to do anyway. What do I want to do? I don't know. There is nothing. I'm interested in nothing. What can I do? What can I train as? I'm ****ing 30! 30!!!! ****ING 30!!!! ****ING 30!!! And in this situation with still no prospect of my life even starting in sight!!


When the hell is my life supposed to start? I'm ****ing 30 I can't cope with this anymore. When the hell is it supposed to start? When I got this job I thought finally. Finally my life can start. No. I have no future. I wish I was dead.

I can't cope with my brain anymore. **** off K ate. Out my brain. Oh I can't say that to you. It's not you being enchanting. You'd probably encourage me if you met me like everyone does but in the end no amount of positivity can change that my brain doesn't work. My god I must seem like a slug below the depths of the worse creepiest freak imaginable **** to you.

Thanks posie. I'm sorry. I know you'll find you're people. Your brain works, unlike mine, as you wrote a response with wisdom. Eventually even the most extreme of the introverts, the socially anxious, the kind of people who get CO's even gravitate to each other no matter how lonely they might have been for years. Draw comfort from that. I can't draw comfort from that as I'm now losing the 3 fellow loners I gravitated to and being left with nothing.

Edited by MysteryName
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@MysteryName ... It's so good to see you back!! 

However, I'm sorry to see you've lapsed back into negativity. Please don't do this to yourself. The surest way to make all of your negative predictions come true is to keep looking down as you're doing right now. Try very (very) hard to think positively. Find just one thing to focus on that you're happy about...there has to be something. Stay with that, and do not go negative on yourself. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Break the cycle and believe in yourself.

:hugs:

Edited by Natasha1
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@Audrey822 Thanks. You're there for me once again like you so often are for all of us! I hope things are going well for you.

That rant was a bunch of feverish gibberish but the core needs stressing: The root of my problem is that I just can't concentrate on anything! Is it my job? Its both boring and the worse combination of stuff I know should be easy but I find hard. Finding a new job to be that when everyone is congratulating you is hell. But there is nothing else I can do. It's not the job that's the problem - its the whole career path/industry and the actual job itself is one of the better ones I still think. It promises more interesting stuff if I can get over the current hill. Or does it? More interesting but still the same area. Really an improvement? But what other job am I supposed to do? Its horrifying to still be in this situation now. I was really hoping I'd be able to start sorting everything else out now, with the job sorted. If I ever can make a start on sorting things out how old will I be then? What other job can I do? Seriously. I have no target jobs. My old dreams are forgotten and new dreams suddenly appear and I pretend they aren't but they are partly just related to fantasies of getting closer to her (like acting or voiceover acting).

And anyway, I can't even concentrate on non work stuff. I can do nothing. I cannot absorb information. I can look at pictures and videos of her and that's it.

I'll try to be positive. I don't know what to be positive about right now. Maybe in the morning. Thanks.

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Just feel like giving another update because I haven't done in a while so I hope everyone is doing okay (or at least coping). :thumbsup:

 

None of my COs have given me quite strong feelings as recently.

So one of my minor ones has come back with a great big vengeance. This CO is 22 years older than me (the same age as my dad) but I can't get this one out of my head. I watched more of his filmography than any other obsessions I've had, though it's partly due to the fact he's done more than my other obsessions, but this one has come back so bad to the point that my other major ones have become pushed back again to the point that I sometimes forget they exist, which is just so so bad of me and it makes me feel guilty.

 

These feelings are making me feel quite the opposite to some others, missed college 3 weeks in a row (went back to one lesson on Monday and missed Maths yesterday yet again) because weirdly, I'd rather stay in bed (maybe that's just my laziness again though, but it does coincidentally coincide with this CO returning), whereas I decided to go to college in the first place because my COs inspire me (which they still do).

 

But by far, the most weirdest and slightly annoying thing is that this CO started to make me think a lot about a crush on a guy I had over 3 years ago. We were never a thing, I told him how I felt, he said he wasn't ready for anything and we went our separate ways and that was it (I very much doubt he even remembers me really). I thought I was over it but I keep thinking a lot lately about what might of been.

I blame the feelings for this CO for those feelings and I know it's probably not related but I don't know.

 

I've never had any romantic feelings for the celebrities I obsess over, nor "normal" people other than that one I've mentioned because I don't mix with any men. But it seems that me getting these kind of feelings for a celebrity reminds me of how I felt when I had similar feelings for a "real life" person. (I say real life because I didn't know a better way of putting it but I'm sure you get what I mean. Not that my COs aren't real people, they're just not really "real life" in the sense that people you know personally are. If that makes sense)

I never had any thoughts about being COs romantically. But lately the feelings have happened, despite the fact that I'd never get to meet them, let alone them actually ever "falling in love" with me. My maladaptive daydreaming thing has got so bad again with this one again too.

 

Not being able to meet the one that has suddenly returned really saddens me more than the others, though I blame that on the fact that he's doing theatre in my country (not city, but it's not technically all that far away. about 95-100 miles away) in late April to early May and in a way, that would probably be the best chance I had but I have no money to go and it's really upset me.

I know once the play is over, I'll forget all about it, but I keep making up all these scenarios in my head where we meet there and I know it won't happen and it just seems to be this constant loop and I can't get any of it or him out of my head and it makes me so sad.

 

Anyway, moaning over, just wanted to get my personal thoughts/feelings out. :smile:

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4 hours ago, MysteryName said:

I'm definitely an introvert. Half the population are introverts though!

You know I shouldn't even care about bonding. I'm socially non functional. I've known that for years. It's not news. You know 2 years ago before all this ridiculous CO bulls*** happened and my life fell to pieces (CO bulls*** effect, not cause, also partly cause) I was actually at peace with being a loner who'd never get a girlfriend. As long as I had the 3 friends I'd had since teenagerhood and I was actually doing something in my life. Anything. Just doing something. I'd be able to keep myself occupied.

Now I've lost my hobbies, those 3 friends I'm losing and as for work. I'm finished. I'm just finished. I wish I was dead. And here's the absolute TL;DR core of everything I've rambled about here:

MY BRAIN DOES NOT WORK!!!

AVOIDING HER, AVOIDING THE INTERNET DOES NOT WORK!! Even if I have no internet access the central core of everything is...

I CANNOT CONCENTRATE FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR IN TOTAL IN A DAY!!

I CANNOT DO ANYTHING!!

I CANNOT THINK!!

I HAVE NO ENERGY!!

I'll lose this job. **** it. Its . Its not what I want to do anyway. What do I want to do? I don't know. There is nothing. I'm interested in nothing. What can I do? What can I train as? I'm ****ing 30! 30!!!! ****ING 30!!!! ****ING 30!!! And in this situation with still no prospect of my life even starting in sight!!


When the hell is my life supposed to start? I'm ****ing 30 I can't cope with this anymore. When the hell is it supposed to start? When I got this job I thought finally. Finally my life can start. No. I have no future. I wish I was dead.

I can't cope with my brain anymore. **** off K ate. Out my brain. Oh I can't say that to you. It's not you being enchanting. You'd probably encourage me if you met me like everyone does but in the end no amount of positivity can change that my brain doesn't work. My god I must seem like a slug below the depths of the worse creepiest freak imaginable **** to you.

Thanks posie. I'm sorry. I know you'll find you're people. Your brain works, unlike mine, as you wrote a response with wisdom. Eventually even the most extreme of the introverts, the socially anxious, the kind of people who get CO's even gravitate to each other no matter how lonely they might have been for years. Draw comfort from that. I can't draw comfort from that as I'm now losing the 3 fellow loners I gravitated to and being left with nothing.

I think many people would classify themselves as being somewhere in between 'extrovert' or 'introvert', and the severe introverts definitely suffer in a society that does not cater to them (or respect them). Severe introverts make up less than half the population. 

I'm socially non-functional too. 23 and I've never had a job, never been in a relationship, and I have exactly one friend (two if you count a girl from high school I see once a year). I should be in therapy but I'm too scared, untrusting, and unmotivated to even do that. I have no ambitions anymore and I'm totally fed up with myself. When I look into the future I see nothing. I am less afraid of dying than I am of changing anything about my situation. In fact, I see death as the easy way out for me and I don't fear it at all. 

Your brain definitely works...it's working overtime and on overload. I can relate to that. We are our own worst enemies. I won't try to give you advice because I really don't have any. I can only commiserate and tell you that you're not alone in the way you feel. Please know that no one would judge you as hard as you judge yourself. I know I told you that already, but it's true. Your CO makes you happy, and not many other things do. That's why you can't get her out of your head. I believe that if you can find a way to become more satisfied with your life, your CO will have less of a hold on you. I'm a pretty firm believer that our COs are not the problem - they're the solution. Maybe they're a faulty solution, but honestly, there are much worse ways of coping with misery. 

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9 hours ago, SophieViolet95 said:

Not being able to meet the one that has suddenly returned really saddens me more than the others, though I blame that on the fact that he's doing theatre in my country (not city, but it's not technically all that far away. about 95-100 miles away) in late April to early May and in a way, that would probably be the best chance I had but I have no money to go and it's really upset me.

 

Good to see you again, @SophieViolet95 ... since this is probably triggering these maladaptive daydreams you're having, you're constantly thinking of how you might meet him and fall in love (oh believe me, I know!!) it's understandable that you're very distracted right now, missing classes and such. Try to pull yourself together and get to class...April and May are a long way off. Find time to engage in those MDs when your day is over (friendly advice from a seasoned maladaptive daydreamer here ?) Maybe you could also find a way to earn some money between now and then to make the short trip so you'd be able to meet him if you wish. Think of your options and don't give up until you've considered everything. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! ?

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Nice to see you back @SophieViolet95. Btw I love the quote in your signature!

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you with your former crush. :( I don't think it's unusual that some of those old feelings you had for him have resurfaced. These sorts of things are difficult to get over, and sometimes the hurt and sense of rejection never completely go away. In fact, I think a failed crush is often harder to deal with than a failed relationship, because at least after a break up you can look back on the happy times (or feel relieved that it's all over if the relationship wasn't good!) But caring deeply about someone who doesn't feel the same way is just heartbreaking.

It's interesting you mentioned this actually, as I've been going through the same thing myself this week over my high school love. Which is frustrating because I haven't seen the guy in 4 years, and it's unlikely that I'll ever see or have any contact with him ever again. He doesn't occupy my thoughts anymore and I've accepted the fact that he was never the love of my life like I thought he was, and that he did not have any romantic feelings towards me. However, every 6 months or so, I end up having a dream in which he tells me he loved me all along (happened again a few nights ago), even if I haven't thought of him for ages! It never fails to bring those old feelings back to the surface... Why oh why does my subconscious hate me so much?! :roll2:

So I can definitely understand how you're feeling at the moment! I would suggest to maybe get back in contact with your former crush to see if you might have another chance with him. But it sounds like he's very much a part of your past now, so I suppose the only thing to do is acknowledge that those feelings are there and wait for them to pass (speaking from my own experience). :hugs:

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14 hours ago, posie_riot said:

I think many people would classify themselves as being somewhere in between 'extrovert' or 'introvert', and the severe introverts definitely suffer in a society that does not cater to them (or respect them). Severe introverts make up less than half the population. 

I'm socially non-functional too. 23 and I've never had a job, never been in a relationship, and I have exactly one friend (two if you count a girl from high school I see once a year). I should be in therapy but I'm too scared, untrusting, and unmotivated to even do that. I have no ambitions anymore and I'm totally fed up with myself. When I look into the future I see nothing. I am less afraid of dying than I am of changing anything about my situation. In fact, I see death as the easy way out for me and I don't fear it at all. 

Your brain definitely works...it's working overtime and on overload. I can relate to that. We are our own worst enemies. I won't try to give you advice because I really don't have any. I can only commiserate and tell you that you're not alone in the way you feel. Please know that no one would judge you as hard as you judge yourself. I know I told you that already, but it's true. Your CO makes you happy, and not many other things do. That's why you can't get her out of your head. I believe that if you can find a way to become more satisfied with your life, your CO will have less of a hold on you. I'm a pretty firm believer that our COs are not the problem - they're the solution. Maybe they're a faulty solution, but honestly, there are much worse ways of coping with misery. 

I'm sorry you feel this way and I know you probably hate hearing that you're young and have your whole life ahead of you, but it's true. Of course, it's also true that there's no guarantee that things will change much when you get older. At 23, I was done with college and had a few jobs, but I didn't start working in my career position until I was 24. I'm still with the same company, make a good salary, and I might appear to be successful to others, but I absolutely hate the work that I do and feel stressed out and incompetent often. I also had my first "relationship" at 24 which wasn't anything great and I still haven't found "the one" and don't think I will. I would say that I don't have any good friends...just people that I talk to occasionally, so I'm pretty isolated socially as well. I can relate to what you're saying about death too. I don't want to die right this moment because I want to be around as long as my cat is alive and I want the chance to meet my CO. But other than that? There's not much that I feel I need to be around for. I have no interest in growing old and slowly wasting away from cancer or something. I'd rather go out on my own terms before it gets to the point where I'm physically or mentally unable to care for myself.

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@Audrey822 I actually enjoy class when I'm there so that annoys me more than anything. I never had any sort of thoughts about any of my COs until recently and I have no idea where they've come from. I've never once had them for my longest CO.

I apply for jobs on/off for ages but it always feels like no one wants to hire me, my lack of experience lets me down a lot but I always keep looking. The other issue is that I suddenly re-realise that I have Social Anxiety (it's not as bad as it used to be) and when I have to go to more crowded places, I worry that that will let me down too. I am trying to tell myself that it's not "set in stone impossible" that I can't go and there's still time for anything to happen. Maybe I'll win the lottery. :biglaugh:

@OpalP25 Thank you! I always wish that something would happen between us, but deep down none of us was ready and now I've dealt with the fact that we are never likely to see each other again, and I doubt he remembers me. He is very much a part of my past and I'm okay with that, just every now and then, the thoughts return. :smile:

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7 hours ago, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

I'm sorry you feel this way and I know you probably hate hearing that you're young and have your whole life ahead of you, but it's true. Of course, it's also true that there's no guarantee that things will change much when you get older. At 23, I was done with college and had a few jobs, but I didn't start working in my career position until I was 24. I'm still with the same company, make a good salary, and I might appear to be successful to others, but I absolutely hate the work that I do and feel stressed out and incompetent often. I also had my first "relationship" at 24 which wasn't anything great and I still haven't found "the one" and don't think I will. I would say that I don't have any good friends...just people that I talk to occasionally, so I'm pretty isolated socially as well. I can relate to what you're saying about death too. I don't want to die right this moment because I want to be around as long as my cat is alive and I want the chance to meet my CO. But other than that? There's not much that I feel I need to be around for. I have no interest in growing old and slowly wasting away from cancer or something. I'd rather go out on my own terms before it gets to the point where I'm physically or mentally unable to care for myself.

I don't hate hearing any kind of encouragement. I think the biggest trap many of us fall into is believing that things need to happen by a certain time, or within a certain time frame, to be socially acceptable or even possible. I don't know what the future has in store for me and neither do you. There's no guarantee of things changing, but there's also no guarantee of anything staying the same. I think we should both keep that in mind. I know some people would say it's wrong to live for the future, but that's the only hope I have. I feel the same way as you about death and illness. 

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@HopelessRomantic2011 and @posie_riot I hear you both about devastating illnesses. My Dad was a dialysis patient for 19 years...he'd just turned 76 when he passed away, but if you didn't know better, you might have mistaken him for 96. It really took a toll on him, physically and emotionally...it zapped every ounce of physical strength he had. I also saw my Mother-in-law fight (and lose) a nasty 2 year battle with ovarian cancer.  Old age is not for sissies.

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5 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

@HopelessRomantic2011 and @posie_riot I hear you both about devastating illnesses. My Dad was a dialysis patient for 19 years...he'd just turned 76 when he passed away, but if you didn't know better, you might have mistaken him for 96. It really took a toll on him, physically and emotionally...it zapped every ounce of physical strength he had. I also saw my Mother-in-law fight (and lose) a nasty 2 year battle with ovarian cancer.  Old age is not for sissies.

Hi @Audrey822, it's great to see you back! Sorry to hear about your dad and MIL. My last living grandparent seems to be on her deathbed right now although she's been having health issues for years. I just hope she goes as soon as possible so that she'll no longer be in pain of course, but her illness is also very stressful for the family and her caregivers. But she's lucky that she has family to look after her because not everyone will be so fortunate. That's definitely something that I think about since I likely won't marry or have children, but even if you do have family, there's no guarantee that they'll be able or willing to take care of you and I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't want to put that burden on them if it can be avoided. So I'm just a huge supporter of right to die laws because I don't think anyone should have to suffer until their very last breath unless that's what they want to do. It's definitely not what I want. But sorry, I've gone way off topic!

On a brighter note, I'm still happily obsessed with my CO. I haven't heard anything else about the potential new girlfriend, but I just really don't care at all either way. It doesn't change anything for me.

 

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1 hour ago, Audrey822 said:

@HopelessRomantic2011 I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother.  I hope she goes peacefully when the time comes. :hugs:

 

Thank you, I hope so too but I'm doing ok! I'm still coming up with ideas for my crazy story, but I'm still just thinking about them more than I'm actually writing them down. I thought of yet another cheating scenario... I don't know why I'm so obsessed with cheating. lol Probably because I don't have any personal experience with it so it doesn't bother me to think about it.

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5 hours ago, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

Thank you, I hope so too but I'm doing ok! I'm still coming up with ideas for my crazy story, but I'm still just thinking about them more than I'm actually writing them down. I thought of yet another cheating scenario... I don't know why I'm so obsessed with cheating. lol Probably because I don't have any personal experience with it so it doesn't bother me to think about it.

ha!  I'm glad to hear you're still working on your stories, even if it's only in your imagination.  So am I...in my imagination and in writing.  I still don't have the heart to make my CO cheat on me though.  Nope...can't do it. ?

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On 10/02/2017 at 5:02 AM, posie_riot said:

I think the biggest trap many of us fall into is believing that things need to happen by a certain time, or within a certain time frame, to be socially acceptable or even possible.

That's precisely the philosophy that I'd tell anyone who'd listen for my entire 20's. Don't make the same mistake I did: talk the talk but then not apply that mindset to your actual life. Now my view is changing. I was over romanticizing. You can't get away from the fact we have to live in this friggen stupid society (or biological reality but that's less important than this friggen stupid society). BUT and this is the most important bit:

ABSOLUTELY NO ONE (worth listening to) would say that 23,24,25 is too late for ANYTHING! The ONLY mistake you can really make in your 20's is concluding you're too late for things. I wish I could go back and tell myself that before I hit 30 and really did become too late. A lot of people wish they could go back in time and give themselves a big slap. I'd beat myself ****ing unconscious.

 

On 10/02/2017 at 5:02 AM, posie_riot said:

I know some people would say it's wrong to live for the future, but that's the only hope I have. I feel the same way as you about death and illness. 


GAH! Living in the future has been 100% of my life for about 3 years!
 

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