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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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@Audrey822 I know rationally that I'm just as worthy of being loved by someone as anyone else is, but I've never truly believed it deep down. I think this is why I've always been subconsciously drawn towards unattainable guys, ever since I first started having crushes. It feels like it's something I'll never break out of.

Whenever a guy actually shows clear signs of wanting to date me, I'm just never interested. I used to think that was because the guys who liked me were all weirdos, but that's not so much the case these days. In fact, at the moment there's a guy who seems to be showing some interest, and he's actually nice, not bad looking (though not really the type I go for), and has things in common with me. Still, I find myself hoping that the situation won't progress, as I simply don't have feelings for him...

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^ @OpalP25 Are we twins separated at birth? (Hello The Parent Trap!)

Everything you said is true for me as well. On the very rare occasion where I find myself becoming acquainted with a real-life boy (gasp!)I tend to panic. I'm afraid of being pursued, especially by a really nice guy. Deep down I don't believe I'm worthy of being loved either, even though I can rationally say that pretty much everyone deserves love and that I'm not a bad person or anything. I can't imagine myself having feelings for a guy who is available, attainable, and who treats me well. I'm a glutton for punishment, I think. It's weird how I'm so obviously aware of this problem, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I can't force myself to feel attracted to men I'm just not attracted to. 

Because of my social anxiety, I've never actually had a guy get to the step of asking me out. As bad as it sounds, I'm kind of grateful for that :(  I was very friendly with two guys in university. One was slightly older and married, the other was gay. Coincidence? I don't think so. 

 

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1 hour ago, OpalP25 said:

@Audrey822 I know rationally that I'm just as worthy of being loved by someone as anyone else is, but I've never truly believed it deep down. I think this is why I've always been subconsciously drawn towards unattainable guys, ever since I first started having crushes. It feels like it's something I'll never break out of.

Whenever a guy actually shows clear signs of wanting to date me, I'm just never interested. I used to think that was because the guys who liked me were all weirdos, but that's not so much the case these days. In fact, at the moment there's a guy who seems to be showing some interest, and he's actually nice, not bad looking (though not really the type I go for), and has things in common with me. Still, I find myself hoping that the situation won't progress, as I simply don't have feelings for him...

Can I just say, that doesn't sound to me as though you're not worthy...it sounds to me as though the guys you've been dating haven't been worthy of you.  

I get it.  My therapist is always telling me that no "real" man could ever live up to the image I've created of my CO.  She's right.  I don't think any man on earth is worthy of me but him.  I'd have a very difficult time trying to be interested in anyone else at this point.  But that's not because I'm not worthy...it's because no other man I'd meet could measure up to my CO.  ❤️  I'll bet that's what's going on with you too.  

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4 minutes ago, posie_riot said:

^ @OpalP25 Are we twins separated at birth? (Hello The Parent Trap!)

Everything you said is true for me as well. On the very rare occasion where I find myself becoming acquainted with a real-life boy (gasp!)I tend to panic. I'm afraid of being pursued, especially by a really nice guy. Deep down I don't believe I'm worthy of being loved either, even though I can rationally say that pretty much everyone deserves love and that I'm not a bad person or anything. I can't imagine myself having feelings for a guy who is available, attainable, and who treats me well. I'm a glutton for punishment, I think. It's weird how I'm so obviously aware of this problem, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I can't force myself to feel attracted to men I'm just not attracted to. 

Because of my social anxiety, I've never actually had a guy get to the step of asking me out. As bad as it sounds, I'm kind of grateful for that :(  I was very friendly with two guys in university. One was slightly older and married, the other was gay. Coincidence? I don't think so. 

 

See my post above to @OpalP25 ...that line I highlighted suggests the men you've met haven't lived up to your standards. 

Now, having said that....you brought up an issue that would be true for me as well:  social anxiety.  I've learned to "fake" it since I took on a career as an account rep in the mid-80s, but that's not in a dating situation.  That would be totally different.  I can make small talk with the best of 'em now.  But should a man attempt to get serious with me...especially since....well, I don't want to make this awkward, but it's been a really, really long time for me (but that's not my fault, you understand.)  God knows, I've played the scene out with my CO so many times over the years, I think I'd practically fall into his arms -- he wouldn't have to do a thing....but anyone else would have no luck getting through the concrete walls that I've put around myself. 

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3 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

 I don't think any man on earth is worthy of me but him.  

You know what...this might sound like it contradicts what I wrote above, but I think this is actually what's going on deep down for me as well. It's so hard to explain. I feel like I simultaneously hate myself and think very highly of myself and that's what's gotten me into all this mess. 

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7 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

See my post above to @OpalP25 ...that line I highlighted suggests the men you've met haven't lived up to your standards. 

Now, having said that....you brought up an issue that would be true for me as well:  social anxiety.  I've learned to "fake" it since I took on a career as an account rep in the mid-80s, but that's not in a dating situation.  That would be totally different.  I can make small talk with the best of 'em now.  But should a man attempt to get serious with me...especially since....well, I don't want to make this awkward, but it's been a really, really long time for me (but that's not my fault, you understand.)  God knows, I've played the scene out with my CO so many times over the years, I think I'd practically fall into his arms -- he wouldn't have to do a thing....but anyone else would have no luck getting through the concrete walls that I've put around myself. 

I'm getting better at small talk as I get older, but of course it's all phoney. I can't get past that small talk stage with anyone (male or female). I don't know how to open up or bond with people. I'm guilty of not asking people the right kind of questions about themselves, which probably makes me seem uninterested, but really I'm just scared of having to reveal the same type of information about myself to them. I don't ask people the kind of questions that I myself don't want to answer. People seem to pick up on my reservation and treat me the way they think I want to be treated (I.e they leave me alone). I watch the same people I'm making small talk with become closer and closer to each other and then I just fade into the background completely. Not good for dating, that's for sure. I often think...what guy would want to go through the effort of getting to know me when there are other great women out there who are so much easier to talk to? 

As much as I'd love to be with my CO, I'm quite certain I'd experience the same problems with him that I would with any other man. I think about that a lot, actually. Maybe things would be different with my CO, but I can't be sure. 

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4 hours ago, posie_riot said:

Maybe things would be different with my CO, but I can't be sure. 

I'm pretty sure you would be different, for one reason:  motivation.  You haven't been sufficiently motivated to break out of your shell yet, for the same reason @OpalP25 can't force herself to feel attraction for the men around her.  But when something clicks, when you meet someone who you can't stop thinking about and you're already looking forward to seeing them again as soon as you've said "goodnight".....then you'll be motivated to get past the small talk.  Trust me. :nod:

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Hi ladies.  I'm a married man and my wife has an unhealthy obsession with a celebrity and I need help dealing with it.  I didn't go through and read all 8700 posts but from what i see it's mostly women in here with these celebrity crushes. 

So let me get to it.  a couple of years ago my wife decided to start watching supernateral on Netflix.  she was instantly hooked, and while i tried to watch with her i just couldn't get into it.  well she gets obsessed, starts going to conventions and whatnot. 

Now i didn't think anything of it at first.  but she's constantly posting on Facebook and talking to people about how sexy two actors on the show are. And it's literally all she talked about for months.  I've even heard her say that she would leave me for either of them. 

Well i confronted her about it and told her how i felt about it, how it was hurting me that she never talked about how she had those types of feelings for me.  she said okay i wouldn't see or hear about it anymore.

She joined all these closed Facebook groups and even created one of her own solely dedicated to these two guys, idk if any of you have ever heard of destiel but that's what all this is about.  after being in these groups for several weeks she made a, we'll just call her a "friend". at this point I'm going though he text messages and Facebook messages, not sure why i felt the need to but I've found out alot about her. 

So her and this friend are messaging back and forth sending all kinds of porn each other's way and always talking about how horny they get looking at this stuff.  but here's the kicker it's not helping me out any, as a matter of fact we are having less sex than ever. 

Then one day they get to talking about threesomes and my wife expressed interest in having one or even just having sex with another woman.  well this sets me off when i read about it and confront her. 

She tells me that it's nothing just talk.  then a couple weeks later i find out that she "came out" to her friends as "pansexual" and is open to relationships with other people.  so i confront her with this. she says she would never do anything if i wasn't involved as well. she tells me she wants to be polyamorous.

I tell her that I'm not okay with this, i don't want to share my wife with anybody else.  okay that was basically that, until i find out from going through her phone that she has a new girlfriend that loves several hundred miles away. They met in the group that she created on facebook.  they tell each other how much they love each other and they talk more than we do. Again i confronted her and she said she would end it.

So here i am now.  she still has  this obsession with these two celebrities and I'm pretty sure she is still talking with this other woman.  all of our martial problems have stemmed from this obsession.  the obsession has just opened doors to other problems. 

I love the hell out of her but I'm having such a hard time dealing with this and i was hoping somebody could help me. I'm sorry for the mile long post but i had to get it all out there. 

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11 hours ago, posie_riot said:

^ @OpalP25 Are we twins separated at birth? (Hello The Parent Trap!)

Everything you said is true for me as well. On the very rare occasion where I find myself becoming acquainted with a real-life boy (gasp!)I tend to panic. I'm afraid of being pursued, especially by a really nice guy. Deep down I don't believe I'm worthy of being loved either, even though I can rationally say that pretty much everyone deserves love and that I'm not a bad person or anything. I can't imagine myself having feelings for a guy who is available, attainable, and who treats me well. I'm a glutton for punishment, I think. It's weird how I'm so obviously aware of this problem, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I can't force myself to feel attracted to men I'm just not attracted to. 

Because of my social anxiety, I've never actually had a guy get to the step of asking me out. As bad as it sounds, I'm kind of grateful for that :(  I was very friendly with two guys in university. One was slightly older and married, the other was gay. Coincidence? I don't think so. 

 

Same here. I've gone out with probably close to 100 guys from online dating over the past 12 years or so, and aside from feeling somewhat excited about a handful of them, I never really felt much of anything for the others besides "Oh, he seems nice, I guess." And I never got anywhere close to feeling like I loved any of them or like I could potentially see a future with them, so I basically feel like all of my attempts at dating have been pointless. I got nothing out of it and it was largely unfulfilling.

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@Dee63 ...first, welcome to the thread.

Your story is a unique one here.  I don't think we've ever heard from the spouse or significant other of someone who has a CO before.  

I've experienced this for a very long time, more than a simple "crush" in my case.  I'm having trouble buying the idea that the other things going on with your wife came from a celebrity obsession. 

If any of this was possible to come from a celebrity obsession, I think I'd be a prime candidate given how long it's gone on for me.  I've never heard anyone else in this thread mention that their celebrity obsession led to the sort of things you found out about your wife.

I tend to think everything you mentioned about her was always going on, but because you discovered her celebrity obsession, she's decided to open up about the other things to you as well.  

Quote

 

Now i didn't think anything of it at first.  but she's constantly posting on Facebook and talking to people about how sexy two actors on the show are. And it's literally all she talked about for months.  I've even heard her say that she would leave me for either of them. 

Well i confronted her about it and told her how i felt about it, how it was hurting me that she never talked about how she had those types of feelings for me.  she said okay i wouldn't see or hear about it anymore.

 

Hmmm....I can't help but notice she didn't reassure you about leaving you for either of them, only that she wouldn't talk to you about her feelings for these actors anymore. 

My advice to you is to talk to your wife.  Get it all out in the open, tell her exactly how you feel, what you will and won't tolerate in your marriage, and then hear her out.  There's more going on here than a celebrity obsession, and I don't think the celebrity obsession was the cause....but only the two of you can sort that out.  

I wish you the best of luck. 

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5 hours ago, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

Same here. I've gone out with probably close to 100 guys from online dating over the past 12 years or so, and aside from feeling somewhat excited about a handful of them, I never really felt much of anything for the others besides "Oh, he seems nice, I guess." And I never got anywhere close to feeling like I loved any of them or like I could potentially see a future with them, so I basically feel like all of my attempts at dating have been pointless. I got nothing out of it and it was largely unfulfilling.

See my post to @OpalP25 .  When you finally meet The One, it'll feel differently.  But until then, your dating isn't pointless....consider it research that will lead to finding The One.  ?  And realize this:  he's looking for you, too, and feeling the same way about the other women he's dated before.  

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@posie_riot I think we really must be twins, lol!

I find being pursued by guys a bit scary too. Part of the problem is that when guys who I'm not attracted to flirt with me, I don't know how to get the message across that I'm not interested. While I don't flirt back, I do usually respond in a friendly and polite manner, which they seem to take as a sign that I feel the same way. In fact, I basically ended up in the relationship with my ex just because I didn't want to hurt his feelings by rejecting his advances (which is silly, cause he didn't care a bit about my feelings!). I really hope I never get into another situation like that again...

Like you, I'm just completely unable to fall for nice, attainable men. It sounds awful, but the problem is that they're just too normal for my liking. I don't mean that in a bad way - I know they have a lot to offer in a relationship. But all the guys I've ever been attracted to have been different compared to everyone else. The guy who I loved at school was an intellectual genius. The guy who I had feelings for when I was with my ex was remarkably sensitive and empathetic. And they both had fairly unusual lives/backgrounds. 

I know it's harsh to not give guys a chance just because they haven't had particularly interesting lives, or because they seem too normal... but I can't help it! Maybe my feelings will change in the future, but I don't think there's anything I can do to make that change happen. 

@Audrey822 You're right that my CO is definitely part of the problem too... He's just so right for me in a way that no one I meet in my real life is. I know he could do much better than me, but I still feel like we're meant to be together all the same. As it's unlikely that I'll ever get to be with him, I really hope I can actually meet someone in real life who makes me feel the same way, but what are the chances of that!

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32 minutes ago, OpalP25 said:

 

@Audrey822 You're right that my CO is definitely part of the problem too... He's just so right for me in a way that no one I meet in my real life is. I know he could do much better than me, but I still feel like we're meant to be together all the same. As it's unlikely that I'll ever get to be with him, I really hope I can actually meet someone in real life who makes me feel the same way, but what are the chances of that!

We all need to stop thinking like this.  :nod: What does that even mean?  That he has access to supermodels who would use him for his status?  Yeah, he's got that.  But that doesn't make those women better than you just because they get to be in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.  ? In fact, I would say you'd be better for him than 95% of those women simply because you're not out to use him, and you would probably still care about him even if he was a construction worker or a taxi driver.  Can those other women say the same?  You know the answer.  So.....if you love him no matter what and they don't, how can you say he could do better than you? :hearthrob:

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@audrey822 

maybe your right that the obsession wasn't the cause but it was definitely some form of catalyst for these feelings to surface. and about her opening up to me about this stuff after i discovered the obsession, she didn't open up to me about anything and still hides stuff.  i only found out about these things because i either overheard her conversations with other people or because i was going through her phone.  and when i try to talk about it,it just leads to a fight. nothing ever gets resolved is just like that makes her want to his more from me. 

I was mainly just posting to see if these obsessions or crushes or whatever you guys call it has affected any of you guys the way that it has affected my relationship with my wife.  The way i feel it almost feels like she's cheating on me. 

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@OpalP25 

They're just too normal for my liking

Yep, I have the same problem. I'm always looking for some kind of crazy spark or "incredible" romance that just isn't realistic for most people. The only real-life guys I've ever been attracted to have always been "different" in some way or another. They always stood out. The love of my life in elementary school was a class clown who made me laugh like no else. He was also the kid who occupied his own little isolated desk out in the hallway far too often (oooh, what a rebel! :buttrock:) My other elementary school crush was a long-haired guitar player who was sort of what you could've called an "emo" (remember those?). I sure knew how to pick them. 

Every guy who caught my eye in high school was older (always older...that's a theme) and was just offbeat somehow. I never wanted anything to do with the kind of guys who were in my social circle and who "matched" me, because they were boring. I hate the thought of one day settling for a guy who society says would make a good husband. Although honestly, I'll be lucky if a guy like that even wants me. 

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@OpalP25 and @posie_riot....

I think all women are attracted to guys who are different in some way. But then (too often) we end up settling for the normal guy, the quiet guy, the guy society approves of.  That was my mistake. I mentioned before, I had my mother to battle with...any of the more attractive guys wouldn't have stood a chance; she would have sabotaged such a relationship. So I settled for the quiet, normal one...well, all of you know how that turned out. ??

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@Dee63 I'm not crazy about hearing you went through her phone behind her back. She's not cheating on you. My therapist tried to make me feel guilty about this in a similar way a couple of years ago. Nothing I'm doing right now amounts to cheating on my marriage....you can't call it cheating when the man lives over a thousand miles away. Can you honestly say you've never looked at another woman the entire time you've been married? No gawking at the beach, no online porn, no girlie magazines? My honest and heartfelt advice to you is, don't give her a reason to go further with this by being so distrustful of her. This is coming from someone who is in this situation...my husband made a comment to me about my CO a few weeks back. I assumed he might have found out about this by going through my phone or computer. I no longer think that's how he found out...I think my Facebook activity may have been the tip off. BUT...while I thought he had spied on me, I was very resentful. No, I do not think I -- or any of us -- deserve that kind of treatment. Just talk to her...you may get into an argument from the discussion, but it's the only honest way to find out what's going on. 

 

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@dee63 I know from my perspective, all I want is to be able to share my obsession with my mate but she's told me time and time again that shell never be okay with it and that's put alot of walls up. If you can find it in yourself to, try to let her share it with you. I know the times I thought I could share it with my girlfriend, I felt closer to her than ever. Accepting it and not making her hide it from you may just bring the two of you closer cuz you're accepting everything about her inside and out. I'd **** for that but as it stands as of yesterday, my girlfriend wants space. She feels so strongly that yesterday she told me that if Mila ever came on tv when she isn't around that I should change the channel just out of respect to her. Not being able to share my obsession with Mila with my mate has taken away some of the comfort I had with her. But I might lose her anyway, who knows. I think if I could have shared my love for Mila with my mate, it may have changed the direction the obsession went completely. Keep that in mind. She needs you.

 

@audrey822 I know what you mean about disciplining yourself to stop while you're ahead. At this point, if I've watched 20 minutes of Mila and I haven't been hurt yet, stop while I'm ahead! I am in serious danger of losing my girlfriend and still the obsession stays. I revealed my issue to my sister yesterday and she actually said that I should send my letter. I'll always be too scared to.

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@nothingatall7777  I am in serious danger of losing my girlfriend and still the obsession stays.  

No matter how serious the consequences, when something becomes an obsession, you can't turn it off just because someone asks you to do so.  That's especially true when the obsession is driven by love.  It sounds like your sister was accepting of your situation....I'm glad to hear that. 

I want is to be able to share my obsession with my mate but she's told me time and time again that shell never be okay with it

I know you've wanted to be able to share your obsession with your gf all along, but I'm just not sure how reasonable that is.  I've told you that before. Clearly she doesn't think it's reasonable.  Can you blame her, really?  The two of you have a better relationship than I have at home.  To your gf, knowing how you feel about Mila is as much of a trigger as the way most of us feel when we're faced with information that hurts us about our COs. 

I'm not saying this to knock down the advice you gave to @Dee63 ...I'm just putting my two cents into that discussion, FWIW.  If sharing this obsession with your significant other can work for you, great.  I just can't wrap my brain around it...all the things you said about bringing you closer....it would not do that for me.   I think it would be a little weird, to be honest (speaking of how I'd feel about it.)  I can't imagine it and do not want it....I'm not at all interested in sharing how I feel about my CO with my husband, and I pray he never finds out.  It's not because I'm afraid of what it would do to our marriage (LOL, no.)  I just don't want him saying negative things about my CO, and I know he would.  He's already told me he's sick of my CO's music (too bad.)  It's possible that my husband does know (but probably not the extent of it)  given the remark he made at a wedding we both attended about a month ago.  I couldn't care less, except for the fact that he made the remark in the presence of our sons and a few of their friends.  I think I made it clear, following that remark, that what he did wasn't cool. ? He hasn't said a word about anything since.  

 

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@audrey822 Yeah I hear ya about the negative things. My gf says all the time when we fight that Mila is pathetic as an actress, lazy actress, slut, nothing special etc.. Meanwhile she shines brighter than all the stars put together! If I'm the only one that sees her that way, GOOD. she's supposed to be mine anyway.

The main point I was trying to make to dee63 is that its better to be on the inside than the outside about a secret with a significant other. And now that he already knows about it, it could either drive a wedge between them or not. Then again, my life is falling apart so maybe I shouldn't give advice at all. Haha.

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1 hour ago, nothingatall7777 said:

 its better to be on the inside than the outside about a secret with a significant other.

If you have a really good relationship with your significant other, I agree with you.  But if the relationship was really good, I don't know if I could divide my attention between my CO and SO.  It would have to be one or the other.... that's me, I know everyone isn't the same.  

BTW, your life doesn't have to fall apart.....just try to give your gf what she wants from you.  Stay away from Mila in your gf's presence....what you do when she's not around will only be known to her if you tell her. 

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6 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

@OpalP25 and @posie_riot....

I think all women are attracted to guys who are different in some way. But then (too often) we end up settling for the normal guy, the quiet guy, the guy society approves of.  That was my mistake. I mentioned before, I had my mother to battle with...any of the more attractive guys wouldn't have stood a chance; she would have sabotaged such a relationship. So I settled for the quiet, normal one...well, all of you know how that turned out. ??

I think for most women (I'm basing this off of what I've seen in real life), their desire to settle down, conform, and have stability in their lives outweighs any serious desire for risk or adventure. Most people seem to know how to separate their wildest dreams from the reality of everyday, "normal" life. I have extremely high expectations for how I'm supposed to feel in a relationship. I have those high expectations because I've been madly in love before...just never with the kind of guys that are available to me. I know what it's like to be walking on air and hanging out on cloud nine, so I can't settle for less than that in a real relationship. Compared to my CO, any guy is bound to be a downgrade. I'm really stuck because of that. 

You're in a unique situation because of your mother, and everything you've said about that makes sense. It's unfortunate that you were forced to settle the way you were. It seems like if people aren't being forced to settle, then they're doing it by choice. The latter makes no sense to me. Clearly I'm the odd one though if it's so common. 

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@posie_riot  All true. 

Related (sort of) but I came across a phenomenon within the last year that might explain why so many young women find it difficult to have positive dating experiences in this present day.  Are you familiar with Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW)? It's an anti-feminist men's rights movement, and it has a lot of young males swearing off of women. ? I'm not kidding at all.  These boys (I refuse to call them "men") believe all women are liars, cheaters, out to scam them of their hard-earned money after they marry and then divorce; they believe every woman thinks sex is rape, every woman hates men.  Scarier still is the concept of "Red Pill Wifery" that some of these boys want to push on young women (as if guys who have never bothered to date a real woman know better about what women want than women themselves do.?)  Reading what some of these boys have to say, I wouldn't consider them any loss for the female population (and I often tell them so...LOL!) but it is what it is.  

Here's a link to a couple of the websites...this stuff is all over reddit, too.

https://www.mgtow.com

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/red-pill-mens-rights-anti-feminist-group-who-know-what-women-want/

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MILA,

As I sit here all alone on a friday night cuz my girlfriend needs space, all I can think of is how much I'd want to die if it weren't for the Prozac and booze. But cuz of those things im actually quite pleasant and in la la land with my sweet Jackie. Please stop toying with me and come find me. I tried to get some love from my girl before she left but I guess she feels it isn't a good idea right now so please come take me to heaven before I get the chance to feel sad about that. Look at what my love for you has done to my life. Please give me something.

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@posie_riot I used to believe that most couples got married because they were so in love with each other that they couldn't imagine not spending the rest of their lives together... Now I'm realising it's more a case of "I get on well with this person, I can live with them without going crazy, I could do a lot worse". Which definitely seems like "settling" to people like us, but maybe not to people who haven't experienced the kind of intense feelings of love that we have.

One thing I wonder though, is how have most people avoided this obsessive want and need for romance? In books and movies, etc. we are bombarded by depictions of couples who are deeply in love. I know this has had a profound effect on me & is one of the main reasons why I've ended up in this situation. However, most of my female friends and family members also enjoy watching romantic films and reading romantic books. And yet they're quite happy to be in relationships that are obviously nothing close to the relationships of the fictional couples they admire. Maybe I've just bought into the whole idea of true love a bit too much...

@Audrey822 Ugh, I've heard about those disgusting creeps before... Why do I get the feeling that the only reason they're "going their own way" is because no woman would go anywhere near them anyway! :roll2:

Thankfully, I don't think I know anyone like that. Most guys at university seem to be either 1) normal, nice guys, 2) awkward, monosyllabic teenagers or 3) vulgar "Unilads" (ugh)!

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