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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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@nothingatall7777  It's very difficult to avoid things like, for you, Mila's movie.  The pull is strong.  But if you know it's likely to cause more damage to your psyche if you give in, you should avoid it.  I'm in a similar situation with an upcoming event.  I'm torn, but i know I have to avoid it.  Good luck, and stay strong. 

As for the movie your gf wants to see with the triggering actor, tell her you don't wish to see that movie with her and suggest she should go with someone else...perhaps a girlfriend.  You shouldn't have to subject yourself to triggers.  That's one thing I refuse to do now.  If something or someone triggers me, they don't get a second chance. 

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Hi all. Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans! Hope you enjoy all the delicious food in store for you today!

I'm kind of struggling this week. I've been thinking a lot about finding some closure with a couple of situations in my life, my situation with Steven being one of them.

The deal is, I wrote out an apology letter to him letting him know I was in the wrong and it was never in my intent to harass him in any way. Now I'm questioning whether to send it or not. I know I probably shouldn't, but I also know this could go one of several ways. He could be nice and forgiving, he could be mean, or he could not even respond at all. I'm hoping it goes well, but I highly doubt I can handle it if it doesn't. This could possibly be my downfall, the beginning of the end for me. I couldn't live with myself knowing that someone who's been a huge part of my life for almost 13 years hates me and wants nothing to do with me. Sure, it may do me more harm than good, but I'd rather know than not know.

HELP!!!

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@nothingatall7777 Speaking from experience as someone who is ignoring their CO entirely, I can tell you that it has done wonders for my everyday function. It never gets easier, but it does get more manageable. My CO is doing a bunch of things right now (including an online show that I can't watch). As long as I avoid looking at him, I can avoid that show too. I had to go all out and remove him from my life entirely. I don't even look at photos of him anymore (I can't). I never thought this would be possible for me but I've done it and I don't regret it. This doesn't mean that I'll never look at him again, but my mind/body/spirit needed a break. I did what I needed to do to survive. 

My advice is to not watch either movie. As Audrey said, you could tell your gf simply that the movie doesn't interest you and suggest she see it with someone else. At one point in my life I wouldn't have recommended "running away" from painful things like this, but I've changed my mind after all I've been through. If something triggers you, avoid it. It's playing with fire to try to see how far you can go. That type of exposure therapy works well with phobias, but I don't think it works for us. Unrequited love is not a phobia - it's just an extremely painful part of human life that some of us are unjustly forced to endure. There's no use trying to fight it. 

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55 minutes ago, fabulousrockstar said:

Hi all. Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans! Hope you enjoy all the delicious food in store for you today!

I'm kind of struggling this week. I've been thinking a lot about finding some closure with a couple of situations in my life, my situation with Steven being one of them.

The deal is, I wrote out an apology letter to him letting him know I was in the wrong and it was never in my intent to harass him in any way. Now I'm questioning whether to send it or not. I know I probably shouldn't, but I also know this could go one of several ways. He could be nice and forgiving, he could be mean, or he could not even respond at all. I'm hoping it goes well, but I highly doubt I can handle it if it doesn't. This could possibly be my downfall, the beginning of the end for me. I couldn't live with myself knowing that someone who's been a huge part of my life for almost 13 years hates me and wants nothing to do with me. Sure, it may do me more harm than good, but I'd rather know than not know.

HELP!!!

To be honest, I'm not sure that this would give you the closure you're looking for. It might give you the brief illusion of closure, but this isn't going to be what stops you from being upset. You have to find it in you to forgive yourself and to not be so hard on yourself for something you didn't intend to do. If Steven knew the real you, I'm sure he'd think you were a wonderful person. What he thinks about who you are on the internet (or through a letter) does not matter - it says nothing about who you really are. Don't put yourself in a situation to possibly be hurt by someone who might accidentally make a snap judgement about you that is inaccurate or unfair. Don't allow your self-esteem or self-worth to ride on whether or not Steven responds positively to your letter. I know this is all easier said than done, but I had to say it. If there's any risk that writing him a letter could cause you harm, don't do it. You are worth more than that. Seriously :hearthrob:

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@BattleScars

As a side note, my CO's wife posted many pictures of them together at an event last night. It's like she does it on purpose to show me what I can't have. He looks so happy with her. Sigh.

___________

Thank for you for the welcome! I was thinking about what you wrote about the pictures of your CO happy with someone else. Usually when I watch interviews or read articles about my CO on the Internet, it makes me sad and I get a feeling that is hard to explain. It's sort of feels like having a knife in my heart. Today is Thanksgiving and while it's nice to be with my family, there's a sadness at the holidays that I always get. I loved Thanksgiving & Christmas when I was a kid but over time as an adult, have given up on getting excited. And it comes and goes much more quickly the older you get so I know that before long, it will be January and I'll be thinking about spring. The holidays will never be like those moments I have in my head. How are you doing today? I hope you're having a great CO-free day :)

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2 hours ago, fabulousrockstar said:

I wrote out an apology letter to him letting him know I was in the wrong and it was never in my intent to harass him in any way. Now I'm questioning whether to send it or not. I know I probably shouldn't, but I also know this could go one of several ways. He could be nice and forgiving, he could be mean, or he could not even respond at all. I'm hoping it goes well, but I highly doubt I can handle it if it doesn't. This could possibly be my downfall, the beginning of the end for me. I couldn't live with myself knowing that someone who's been a huge part of my life for almost 13 years hates me and wants nothing to do with me. Sure, it may do me more harm than good, but I'd rather know than not know.

First, I agree 100% with @posie_riot 's response to you. I'm adding my 2 cents because my main reason for saying "no" is what I emphasized in your post. There's too much that could go badly, even if that's not Steven's intention. We tend to read more into these things than what's really there. In almost 3 years here, I've seen too many posts in this thread from people who get upset because their CO had a certain look in his/her face in a photo  -- and even if that can easily be explained because he was caught singing (not grimacing) or they got their feelings hurt because they were unintentionally ignored (CO was rushed through the crowd) ...their CO may have been having a rough day, but there's no convincing his special fan that the way he reacted wasn't personal. I'm not just pointing fingers at others; I'd be the same way. That's why I refuse to put myself in that situation, and given what you said (that I highlighted), I don't think you should either. I don't think you're strong enough right now, and that's not a criticism. I'm not either. If this could mean "the end" for you if it doesn't go well, let it go. If I remember correctly, you were accused of harassing him before (you referenced that in your post, too.) As posie said, he doesn't know the real you; he misjudged your intentions before. Find a way to forgive yourself instead. 

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6 hours ago, Vera said:

Has anyone wondered what their CO is doing today on Thanksgiving! It's floating around my house and enters my consciousness every so often. 

Mine celebrates with his parents, siblings and nieces and nephews. He always posts adorable pictures of him doing goofy things with his nieces and nephews at some point during the day. 

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1 hour ago, Vera said:

@BattleScars

As a side note, my CO's wife posted many pictures of them together at an event last night. It's like she does it on purpose to show me what I can't have. He looks so happy with her. Sigh.

___________

Thank for you for the welcome! I was thinking about what you wrote about the pictures of your CO happy with someone else. Usually when I watch interviews or read articles about my CO on the Internet, it makes me sad and I get a feeling that is hard to explain. It's sort of feels like having a knife in my heart. Today is Thanksgiving and while it's nice to be with my family, there's a sadness at the holidays that I always get. I loved Thanksgiving & Christmas when I was a kid but over time as an adult, have given up on getting excited. And it comes and goes much more quickly the older you get so I know that before long, it will be January and I'll be thinking about spring. The holidays will never be like those moments I have in my head. How are you doing today? I hope you're having a great CO-free day :)

I agree. The holidays are pretty boring for me now that I'm an adult. I usually just want to stay home and relax instead of going out to see family, but I went out for a bit today. I ended up talking about my CO too! My mom really likes one of his songs (she first heard it in my car) and she was singing it today, so that was funny. Maybe I should blame her for bringing him up ! :)

Edited by HopelessRomantic2011
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Hi everyone, hope you had a good trigger free day.

To those who were talking about trying to avoid/ignore their CO completely, I find myself doing that after years of obsessively consuming every piece of media with my CO in it. It's truly the best way to keep them out of mind and avoid any crises.

But as much as I'd like to follow my own advice, I simply can't help it. I feel like I'm neglecting my CO, cheating on him if I avoid it.

Recently my CO was in some movies where he had romantic interests, which is unusual for him, for many years I only saw him be romantic with his wife and if that killed me, imagine seeing him with other women...

So yes, do watch/look at the new things even if they are triggers, but only do it once. Don't torture yourself with it, don't force the breakdown to happen. There's definitely a touch of masochism to unrequited love, I believe I'm partially in love with my misery, but try to stay away - it's the best thing for your mental health.

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@BattleScars

There's definitely a touch of masochism to unrequited love, I believe I'm partially in love with my misery...

I've talked a lot about self-punishment on here when I was going through a really rough patch between April and the end of August.  I know for certain I didn't enjoy doing that, but I felt compelled to do it nevertheless.  I spent some time trying to analyze why I did it....I think it had more to do with the emotional abuse I endured in my upbringing, but all of it is related....the emotional abuse, the fact that I love someone I'll never have, self-punishment...I could never speak about one of those issues without bringing up the other two.  As of right now, I've had a good stretch of about 3 months free of self-punishment...that's probably some kind of record for me.  Learning how to overcome that has definitely made me stronger. 

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Thanks everyone so much for the advice. Only problem is..she doesn't have any girlfriends. She did have one but she turned out to be a p.o.s. Well, I always knew but that's just me. I have 100% taken the stance that others have here that triggers are just simply not allowed. Its my world. Which is why when my world is disturbed, it makes me wanna go over there and disturb someone else's life.

There's one part of the advice that I know in the end I'm not going to end up taking..not watching her movie. My mind, the way it tortures me, is making me assume that you all have seen it already and that she ***** around. I'm trying to make myself believe that's NOT why. My OCD and cravings regarding that movie make me more crazy by the day. I was thinking of possibly watching and if I see any inclination that its going to go a certain way, shut it off. Its not like I'm gonna be heartbroken about missing a chick flick made by the people who made the horrible hangover series. I KNOW the movie is going to be bad. I dont care. I've sat through some duds to see her already. The more time that goes by, the more obsessed I become with the actual movie and seeing it but grow more fearful at the same time. The cover of that movie has grown to become one of my favorite pictures of her and I don't want to taint it with a brutal mental image of her being a slut in that movie. She is soooo far above that . She has NEVER acted with ANYONE who is worthy of even being in the same room as her. I'm not worthy either but if I knew what I had to do to BE worthy, id do it.

I try to have the upper hand with my viewpoints and there's where my advice comes in for everyone. Don't look at this as unrequited love. Its so unbelievably painful to look at it that way and if you keep looking at the person and seeing unrequited love, you can kiss any pleasant fantasies goodbye. Instead, think of it as a love THEY'RE missing out on by not getting to know you. Its hard with the pedestal we all have them on. It's like all the tabloid lies and garbage out there..its only true if we believe it. I will tell myself that every story is a lie, every televised kiss is computer cropping that didn't really happen, every picture of her with another man is photoshopped..whatever I need to make myself believe there is hope. Without the hope that I am going to get my day with Mila, its hard to even want to do anything.

@posie_riot I have gone the route of avoidance as well. All avoiding her shows is that I believe what they say and that I'm letting other people who are losers ruin her for me. I'm at the point now though, where when I do watch her, if 20 minutes have gone by and nothing bad has happened yet I just quit while I'm ahead.

I know the overall message that you guys are trying to send me is that I shouldn't watch the movie but its easier said than done. Especially when $1.50 will take me there.

I hope everyone had a good thanksgiving. I spent most of it drinking. Drinking is starting to become too much of a crutch for me but whatever makes the pain go away or helps me distract myself when I cant take it is worth the unhealthy habit. Every day that goes by where she doesn't know who I am, I'm rotting on the inside anyway. Oh well.

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@nothingatall7777 

making me assume that you all have seen it already and that she ***** around.

No. I have not seen any Mila movies since Black Swan when it came out. I don't know why others said what they did, but I advised you to avoid it because you said this: 

The sight of her face is always a guarantee my life is about to become a soap opera where I am internally tortured. 

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Yesterday was my CO's birthday. It was the second year in a row that I had to be the one to inform the person who runs his band's page of that fact. Last year the day was more than half over when I decided to take matters into my own hands and post a birthday greeting to him on the page myself. The band page didn't acknowledge his birthday until the next day (now I know why...) Yesterday she posted a throwback Thursday pic which happened to include my CO on her Dad's page, with the comment: "(CO)'s birthday is tomorrow."  

I've been avoiding the band's page lately...something is going to happen I don't want to know about (this "something" doesn't specifically involve my CO, FYI.) I was supposed to stay away from this yesterday...I hadn't even planned to say "Happy Birthday" because there didn't seem to be a point in making a comment that several other fans would make...mine would only be lost in that shuffle, nothing special. It wasn't worth dealing with what else I might see...besides, he was supposed to be blocked, which meant he wouldn't have seen anything I posted anyway.  However, I do always check her Dad's page for those throwback pics ❤️..otherwise my CO would have had a late b'day message....again. 

I waited to see if anyone else would correct the mistake, but after an hour or so went by, I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to speak up (OCD, plus it didn't seem right that she remembers all other band members correctly and not my guy. I had to have his back....again. ❤️️) I replied to her comment, "(CO)'s birthday is today. Happy Birthday, (CO) ...and Happy Thanksgiving to all." 

A few minutes later, she responded to my post...said she just spoke to my CO and he confirmed that his b'day was 11/24 (duh. If you knew me, you wouldn't have questioned that!!) She posted the birthday greeting on the band's page after that...but I got to wondering if I -- or at least my post -- was mentioned when she spoke to him. That all by itself gave me really good goosebumps. 

But it got a whole lot better hours later!! 

While watching the Dallas Cowboys' game, near halftime, I got a notification on my iPhone that almost caused my heart to stop: MY CO LIKED MY POST!!! ❤️❤️❤️

It took awhile for me to realize what was unusual about that...I mentioned above, he was supposed to be blocked. I had un-blocked him for some reason I no longer remember a few weeks ago, and according to FB policy, they require a waiting period of 48 hours before you can re-block the person. When the 2 days were up, I tried to block him again, but I kept getting an error message...apparently it hadn't been exactly 48 hours...but I kept trying, and eventually it looked like I was successful. But evidently I wasn't, or he wouldn't have seen my post, and I wouldn't have seen anything from him (usually, I don't want to.) This was another one of those weird little miracles....and on Thanksgiving, I was very grateful for it! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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9 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

But it got a whole lot better hours later!! 

While watching the Dallas Cowboys' game, near halftime, I got a notification on my iPhone that almost caused my heart to stop: MY CO LIKED MY POST!!! ❤️❤️❤️

That's nice! A former CO of mine "liked" a comment that I posted on his Facebook page once. So of course I had to take a screenshot of his "like" and save it! :smilingteeth:

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@Vera  :(  I can relate, and it sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this. Not sure about you (or anyone else), but my emotions seem to cycle and I definitely flop back and forth between being very depressed over this CO, then feeling more "okay", and then feeling depressed again. I'm just now, over the last couple days, coming out of a depressive phase that lasted about a week where I was losing sleep and feeling especially awful about everything. I always think I'm making progress, and then all of a sudden everything hits me again. By "everything" I mean the reality of my life and the reality of my CO's life. 

Life is hard. Love is hard. 

:console:

 

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@posie_riot

yes, I flip flop also  I keep thinking that I may be bipolar even though my "highs" are just feeling normal.  I have only been diagnosed with depression. There is a medicine called  lamictal that works as a mood stabilizer that I am going to ask my doctor about. I've been on SSRIs and Wellbutrin for a long time but never tried a mood stabilizer.  Most of them have bad side effects except for lamictal which has one very bad but rare side effect ....you develop a rash and your skin falls off and it gets pretty bad after that. I :emoticon-0141-whew:might risk it. 

 

 

 

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11 hours ago, Vera said:

I'm feeling very depressed tonight. I don't have anyone to tell so I'm posting it here. It's that hopeless feeling I have when I want to be held by my CO.

 

10 hours ago, posie_riot said:

@Vera  :(  I can relate, and it sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this. Not sure about you (or anyone else), but my emotions seem to cycle and I definitely flop back and forth between being very depressed over this CO, then feeling more "okay", and then feeling depressed again. I'm just now, over the last couple days, coming out of a depressive phase that lasted about a week where I was losing sleep and feeling especially awful about everything. I always think I'm making progress, and then all of a sudden everything hits me again. By "everything" I mean the reality of my life and the reality of my CO's life. 

Life is hard. Love is hard. 

:console:

 

@Vera I'm so sorry you were feeling depressed....like @posie_riot, I can relate too. As happy as I was (still am!) over what happened Thursday, I had a strong desire to be with that man last night...about as strong as I've ever felt before. I didn't let it get me depressed, but that's only because I controlled where I allowed my mind to go. I've been practicing that over the past 3 months (self-control over my thoughts) and it's helped considerably. I refuse to think about his real life...I'm not in denial about it, but I don't have to indulge in self-pity about it (I used to, and then self-punishment followed.) That's what my fantasies are for...to drown out those thoughts of reality. It's always been that way.... I used to drown out thoughts of my own real life, now I have to drown out thoughts of his.  It's OK. I'm good at it. I've lived inside my head for much of my life. It's not a bad place to be, trust me. Sure, the real thing would be so much better, but......doesn't look like that's happening, does it? I won't give up hope until there's none left though. He knows who I am now....I'm going to take a page from @nothingatall7777 's book here (i.e., speaking directly to CO, pleading with him to find me): "You know me now!! You could look at my profile and find out where I live!! Come and get me out of this mundane existence...we'd both be better off for it!! I promise!!" ❤️?❤️

The only thing I know to do to simulate being held by that special someone is to go lie down in bed and hold a pillow very tightly (can you tell I've been where you are a lot?) Yeah, my suggested solution is stupid, a very poor substitute, but what else is there to do? We have to comfort ourselves in strange ways. ??

Sorry for rambling in that first paragraph. ?

Edited by Audrey822
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5 hours ago, Vera said:

@posie_riot

yes, I flip flop also  I keep thinking that I may be bipolar even though my "highs" are just feeling normal.  I have only been diagnosed with depression. There is a medicine called  lamictal that works as a mood stabilizer that I am going to ask my doctor about. I've been on SSRIs and Wellbutrin for a long time but never tried a mood stabilizer.  Most of them have bad side effects except for lamictal which has one very bad but rare side effect ....you develop a rash and your skin falls off and it gets pretty bad after that. I :emoticon-0141-whew:might risk it. 

 

 

 

I think all my issues can be traced back to OCD. I hate using that term though because it gets tossed around these days like it's nothing. People say: "I'm so OCD about this..." and they clearly don't have the disorder at all. I don't even think the average person would understand what I mean if I used that term to describe myself. Sometimes I drop the acronym and the word 'disorder' and just describe myself as obsessive-compulsive so that people will be less likely to get the wrong idea. 

My "lows" are normally caused by over-the-top obsessive thinking, worrying, and analyzing that sometimes has an external trigger and sometimes doesn't. Occasionally my brain gives me a bit of a break from this and that's when I feel more "okay".  I'm never entirely free of obsessive thinking, but the severity of it moves in cycles. I've never been on medication and I don't feel it'd be the right choice for me at this point. I can't say I would never consider it in the future, but right now the idea of it intimidates me. 

I feel like a lot of disorders exist on a spectrum and you can show symptoms of something without actually being diagnosable. My OCD resembles bipolar disorder in some ways. I don't experience classic mania, but I do experience bursts of "obsessive energy" (lol, my own term) that can result in extreme productiveness. After awhile I lose interest in whatever triggered the productivity or I'll experience a bit of a crash. I might take up a hobby, become completely obsessed with it so that it's almost all I think about, and then I move on. I enjoy the high that the new activity gives me and the distraction it provides me from my depressive thoughts. As always, nothing ever sufficiently distracts me enough to keep my attention. 

Edited by posie_riot
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@posie_riot That's an excellent analysis you posted above....I see myself in that post.  I can't even count the number of unfinished projects I've started in which I was completely engrossed at the beginning.  I'm going to have to tell those who are closest to me, those who tease me mercilessly about this, that I'm not the only one!! LOL  :Coopwink:

Edited by Audrey822
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16 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

The only thing I know to do to simulate being held by that special someone is to go lie down in bed and hold a pillow very tightly (can you tell I've been where you are a lot?) Yeah, my suggested solution is stupid, a very poor substitute, but what else is there to do? We have to comfort ourselves in strange ways. ??

Not a stupid suggestion - this is the only thing that puts me to sleep some nights. I can't sleep without pretending I'm not alone. The benefits to being an excessive fantasizer!

Proud. Pillow. Cuddler. 

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