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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support

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On 03/11/2016 at 8:13 AM, perfectcircle77 said:

@Julialovesdancing - It's so nice to hear from you and to hear how well you're doing and how you're putting your thoughts to good use.

@sv14 have a big :hugs:I can't offer any advice because I know I'd be the same as you in that situation, but we are all here to listen to you whenever you want.

@Audrey822 - how are things now? 

I do not feel good today. My CO is doing a live TV show tonight that involves dangerous stunts and the rational part of me is all, "Oh but I'm sure they'll be fine because the network wouldn't be out to seriously injure them" but I am just nervous as anything for him and I can't even watch the show because it's in the US and I'm not and it'll be the middle of the night here and getting up to watch it live online would raise the suspicions of even my laid-back husband. Some days I wish I could just like this guy, appreciate his programme, and that be the end of it instead of sitting here, stomach in knots, wishing I was living a completely different life.

 

On 03/11/2016 at 1:10 AM, posie_riot said:

@sv14 Oh man, I'm sorry :(  It's one of the worst feelings in the world to see someone you're in love with in a relationship with someone else. I'm in the same boat. And like you, I'm not impressed with my CO's current relationship. In my case he's engaged and having a child with this woman :dontgetit:  I can't even look at him anymore because of it. I'm heartbroken. 

On the bright side, celebrity relationships like the one you described are always on shaky ground. This non-relationship will expire. They're probably just putting on a front for the cameras, especially since she has a film coming out. I know it's still hard though. 

:console:

Wow, you guys are sweet.

My CO is desired by many and I read an article where he said that a girl who wasn't giving him attention would attract more than someone who was. Well, I tried that tactic when he came here and he didn't even glimpse at the fat, ugly cow who had followed him around the country and kept on stealing glances of him.

To hear HER say she doesn't care for his sport and that she likes him because of who he is, not what he does, is insulting. I didn't get to invite him round to my house after making a crappy shampoo ad with him. I followed the sport years ago and then I fell for him, not the other way around like she and a lot of his other superficial fans did. What else is a kick to the nuts is that she doesn't even endorse that brand now.

I sometimes resent him a little, because I don't think he'd ever date a 'civilian' and that he probably considers himself too good for someone who isn't a celebrity. 

This forum is so cathartic and I'm thankful you're here to listen. 

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@sv14 I'm so sorry you're in such a horrible situation with your CO. :console:

It sounds like your CO and his girlfriend are both in this relationship for the fame and attention. If he really does consider himself too good to date someone who isn't a celebrity... well that's very disappointing.

All I can say is that sometimes celebrities, probably athletes in particular, can be quite immature when they're young, but they usually grow out of it. One of my CO's friends is in a very similar situation to your CO and has caused a lot of disappointment to his fans (he was always very nice to them and still is when they meet him by himself, but when he's with the famous girlfriend... it's a different story). Since starting to date her, his sporting career has completely gone off the rails. However it seems that now he's finally beginning to realise how stupidly he's behaved over the last year.

I'm sure the same thing will happen with your CO eventually. He'll realise that his career and loyal fans are more important than being with some trashy celebrity. In the end, he will want a girlfriend who really does love him for who he is, not just for his fame. So keep holding out some hope through all this, because I doubt he'll be in this relationship forever. :hugs:

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@sv14 I meant to respond to your first post yesterday and somehow a whole series of posts in that section got overlooked by me for some reason.... I apologize. I don't have the answer to ease your pain, but I did want to add my voice of support to you. :console: It's such an unfair situation we all find ourselves in with our COs at times. I hope things get better, but feel free to vent/rant/cry on our virtual shoulders anytime....we're here for you. (((hugs))) 

I do agree with what @OpalP25 and @posie_riot said to you...it really does sound like this "relationship" is being played out strictly for publicity, and the whole idea that your CO wouldn't date someone who isn't a celebrity really is disappointing (he'll come around....he may just have a lot to learn. Have patience. This "relationship" sounds about as stable as a house of cards.) 

Edited by Audrey822

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14 hours ago, sv14 said:

To hear HER say she doesn't care for his sport and that she likes him because of who he is, not what he does, is insulting. 

You know, I can actually relate to this. I'm not in the exact same situation, but something about what you said here rings true to me. Even what you said about him not dating a 'civilian' and perhaps not being honest about being attracted to women who don't give him attention. Why is it that men (this is probably true for women too) never end up with the kind of women they should be with? The kind who would really appreciate them for non-superficial reasons? She says she likes him "because of who he is", but we all know that's probably a more shallow statement than it sounds. If she really appreciated him, she'd start showing an interest in his sport because that's part of who he is. I'm not saying she has to feign an interest, but doesn't it make sense that she'd naturally start becoming more interested in learning about the sport he plays and how to support him? Of course you're frustrated - she's not a match for him. Whatever chemistry they have is probably skin-deep. Unfortunately, that seems to be the way relationships go more often than not. And then those relationships fail...eventually. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not even for years, but they always fail. 

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OpalP25, Audrey822, posie_riot; you guys are amazing. Audrey, you have nothing to apologise for, I appreciate your words. All of you. I can't explain how it feels to have my 'delusions' for lack of a better word, validated. 

So it was his birthday yesterday. And I woke up, silently wishing him a Happy Birthday, gutted that I couldn't say it to his face. I went online and I knew what was coming, I'd been dreading it since I realised he had no matches scheduled on his birthday. And of course, there she was, hand-in-hand with him. 

They turned up at a hotel, where people had been waiting for hours  in the foyer to give him gifts and birthday wishes. And he just walked right past them. There was even a young boy who just wanted to shake my his hand, but he just gave him a look and started walking away. I've never known him to do this before. I know that if I was the one holding his hand, I would get him to stop for his fans. She didn't do anything. That's kinda douchey, right? And no one will pull them up on this. They'll just expect the media and everyone else to coo over how 'cute' they're being. And that IS what peoke will do.

You're probably thinking, 'Jeez, what is it about this guy that she likes?' Sometimes, even I think, 'God, you are a d**k'. Look, I'm not saying I'd ever change his behaviour, but I know what it's like when someone you...adore doesn't even look in your direction. And it is not fun.

She doesn't shoot until like March now, so she's just going to cling onto him for dear life while fulfilling her duties as a brainless trophy wife for the next few months. And I have no idea if I'll be able to endure it. I'd be happier not waking up in the morning.

I must sound like the worst, most boring cracked record. I feel like screaming. 

 

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@sv14 I don't think you sound like a cracked record at all, so don't worry about that. This is pretty much the only place where people like us have the opportunity to let all our feelings out in an understanding environment. :hugs:

I'm so sorry to hear about the way your CO behaved towards his fans yesterday, which really does sound quite douchey. You must be so disappointed with him. I'm guessing he wasn't always like this... Maybe he feels like because the famous girlfriend behaves like a diva, he needs to do the same.

If your CO and his girlfriend carry on behaving in such a way, there will probably be backlash. Firstly from the disappointed fans, then from the media. Once all the magazines stop referring to them as an "amazing famous couple" and instead start calling them out on their arrogant actions, things will change with your CO. He'll realise that this "relationship" really isn't a good idea after all...

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@sv14 ... @OpalP25 is right... you don't sound like a cracked record at all.  We have to use this space to vent, cry, rant, etc. when we feel like you do right now because this is all we have!!  Don't hold it in, come here and let it out anytime...we've all gone through some sort of pain brought on by our COs, I promise you. We all understand.  I'm so sorry you've experienced this disappointment....I hope you feel better, or that we can help by supporting you in some small way.  Keep talking it out if that helps, you're not bothering us with this at all.  (((hugs)))

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@sv14 Just adding that, judging by the way your CO's been acting recently, it doesn't sound like he could possibly be truly happy in this "relationship". The friend of my CO's who I mentioned earlier recently admitted that he's extremely unhappy in his life right now (and everyone knows that's because of his girlfriend)... I think there's a real chance that your CO might be feeling that way too. The rudeness and disrespect towards his fans are not signs of a happy man in a healthy, loving relationship.

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@sv14 Sounds like he was either trying to "play cool" in front of her, or he didn't want those fans spoiling his time with her. My CO sometimes goes into protective mode with gf's. When he's alone, he'll stop for photos with anyone and doesn't seem to mind the paparazzi. When he's with a gf, suddenly he's shooting daggers at/arguing with paparazzi and turning down photos with fans. I get unduly upset by this sort of thing because it emphasizes the gap between my CO's "important" personal life and the rest of us silly fans. It makes the woman he's with seem so "special", which I think is exactly how my CO wants these women to feel. Pass me a sick bag. 

Any celebrity will talk about loving and appreciating fans, but they view their fans as one big collective group. They don't think of them as individuals, which would be a very hard thing for any person to wrap their head around. They (your CO and mine) probably figure that ignoring a fan or two doesn't make a big difference in the grand scheme of things. Of course that's true, but it makes a world of difference in the lives of those particular fans - like the little boy who wanted to shake your CO's hand. This is one of the reasons why I never had any serious desire to meet my CO. If he ever behaved rudely towards me, I don't know that I'd ever quite get over it for as long as I live. These celebrities have no idea how much they're admired by some people. It would almost be unnatural for them to be able to comprehend that. I want to believe that when they hurt people, they truly have no idea what they're doing. What your CO did to those fans on his birthday was stupid. He was behaving selfishly. He wanted to enjoy his night "undisturbed". He just wasn't thinking. Like you, I feel like I'd never allow that if I were the girlfriend of someone famous. I'd also never be so high-maintenance as to demand "shelter" from my CO's real, everyday life. 

Edited by posie_riot

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@posie_riot said:  This is one of the reasons why I never had any serious desire to meet my CO.

Same here, and I've said this on the board over and over, although not for the same reason discussed here. I'm not worried that my CO would be rude to fans...there's never been any evidence that he's ever been rude, in fact I've heard many accounts that he's just the opposite -- I once read where a couple saw him and another band member at a restaurant after a concert;  the couple invited my CO and the other band member to join them at their table and they did.  

My concern is, and always has been 2 things:  I have convinced myself that this man is my soulmate because I want to be convinced of that.  I want to believe he would feel the same way.  I don't want to know I'm wrong about that, and if I never meet him, I never have to face the fact that I might be wrong about that.  I will  never have to see him walk away from me as if I mean nothing to him -- no more than  any other fan he's ever met in his life.  I would not survive that.  The other thing that would bother me greatly, as if that's not enough is, as soon as I would have to make my way out of the venue, back to the car, on the drive home and forever after, I would begin to over-analyze that meeting I had with him.  There would be something -- a look on his face, the tone of his voice, something he said that could be taken in a different way than what he may have intended -- and I would surely take that thing the exact wrong way.  It's just how I am.  I think we're all that way, judging from what I've seen in this thread and  I know I'm no exception.  

I don't need any of that.  Things were bad enough when I almost had my fantasy wrecked by learning information that I did not want.  I don't need to make things worse with a meeting.  Nope.  DO NOT WANT. 

over-analyzing the meeting.  

 

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15 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

@posie_riot said:  This is one of the reasons why I never had any serious desire to meet my CO.

Same here, and I've said this on the board over and over, although not for the same reason discussed here. I'm not worried that my CO would be rude to fans...there's never been any evidence that he's ever been rude, in fact I've heard many accounts that he's just the opposite -- I once read where a couple saw him and another band member at a restaurant after a concert;  the couple invited my CO and the other band member to join them at their table and they did.  

My concern is, and always has been 2 things:  I have convinced myself that this man is my soulmate because I want to be convinced of that.  I want to believe he would feel the same way.  I don't want to know I'm wrong about that, and if I never meet him, I never have to face the fact that I might be wrong about that.  I will  never have to see him walk away from me as if I mean nothing to him -- no more than  any other fan he's ever met in his life.  I would not survive that.  The other thing that would bother me greatly, as if that's not enough is, as soon as I would have to make my way out of the venue, back to the car, on the drive home and forever after, I would begin to over-analyze that meeting I had with him.  There would be something -- a look on his face, the tone of his voice, something he said that could be taken in a different way than what he may have intended -- and I would surely take that thing the exact wrong way.  It's just how I am.  I think we're all that way, judging from what I've seen in this thread and  I know I'm no exception.  

I don't need any of that.  Things were bad enough when I almost had my fantasy wrecked by learning information that I did not want.  I don't need to make things worse with a meeting.  Nope.  DO NOT WANT. 

over-analyzing the meeting.  

 

Completely this, although right now, there is a still part of me that wants to meet my CO but I think that's because there's a small part of my heart (because it definitely isn't my brain) that says he'll meet me and know. My brain says otherwise, my brain says it'll be like @Audrey822 describes and my brain says it will overanalyse every single millisecond of the meeting for eternity.

@sv14 - you don't sound like a cracked record at all. Like Audrey says, we have all been there and we all here to listen to you 

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18 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

@posie_riot said:  This is one of the reasons why I never had any serious desire to meet my CO.

Same here, and I've said this on the board over and over, although not for the same reason discussed here. I'm not worried that my CO would be rude to fans...there's never been any evidence that he's ever been rude, in fact I've heard many accounts that he's just the opposite -- I once read where a couple saw him and another band member at a restaurant after a concert;  the couple invited my CO and the other band member to join them at their table and they did.  

My concern is, and always has been 2 things:  I have convinced myself that this man is my soulmate because I want to be convinced of that.  I want to believe he would feel the same way.  I don't want to know I'm wrong about that, and if I never meet him, I never have to face the fact that I might be wrong about that.  I will  never have to see him walk away from me as if I mean nothing to him -- no more than  any other fan he's ever met in his life.  I would not survive that.  The other thing that would bother me greatly, as if that's not enough is, as soon as I would have to make my way out of the venue, back to the car, on the drive home and forever after, I would begin to over-analyze that meeting I had with him.  There would be something -- a look on his face, the tone of his voice, something he said that could be taken in a different way than what he may have intended -- and I would surely take that thing the exact wrong way.  It's just how I am.  I think we're all that way, judging from what I've seen in this thread and  I know I'm no exception.  

I don't need any of that.  Things were bad enough when I almost had my fantasy wrecked by learning information that I did not want.  I don't need to make things worse with a meeting.  Nope.  DO NOT WANT. 

over-analyzing the meeting.  

 

I can completely understand not wanting to meet them to keep from being disappointed and ruining the fantasy. My former CO happens to be a member of my favorite band and lots of other fans have met them, so I wanted to meet them too. I never had the thought that we belonged together or that he would fall in love with me when we met. I was just hoping that they'd all be nice and that I wouldn't act like an i diot. lol But like I said, since I've met them three times now, finally said a few coherent words to them, and we took some good pics together, I think I'm done. I am happy with how things turned out and I never expected it to be anything more than that.

Edited by HopelessRomantic2011

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@HopelessRomantic2011 If you can maintain a good head on your shoulders about it (and it seems like you did....excellent!) that's a great outcome.  I wish I could be normal about it, because, on the one hand,  I think he might like to hear what he's done for me (without the silly fantasy details thrown in, of course!!) I read an article about him that said he responded favorably to kids back in the day who were going through a difficult time....well, that certainly was me; but I never thought about writing to him back then. Maybe he'd like to know he's solely responsible for the fact that I got through the emotional abuse my mother was throwing at me...I feel like I should thank him, but I don't know how I could tell him that without breaking down and making a fool out of myself.  On the other hand, he doesn't know me, so why should he care about that?

Edited by Audrey822

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@sv14 I think I can relate to your predicament a little. A former CO (Yes... I have many. Don't judge. Lol) had been rumored to be cheating on his wife (whom I absolutely despised... A Playboy Playmate that had a couple of trashy TV roles and was no angel herself) and I wasted weeks defending him. Then he admitted to it... With at least 2 women. I was disgusted. That was the end of that obsession for me. To this day, I still think he's good-looking, but I couldn't get past the fact that he cheated on his pregnant wife. After years of thinking she was so cheap and slutty, then finding out that he was even worse just ruined it for me. In a way, I'm thankful that it did, though, because that CO kind of took a toll on my relationship with my boyfriend (who is now my fiance.) What you're feeling is normal. It's probably actually a good thing that you haven't completely put him on a pedestal. Unfortunately, not all CO's are winners. I'm not saying that yours isn't, but depending on how long his relationship lasts, this may become more and more of a pattern and I don't want you to be setting yourself up for disappointment. Believe it or not, you seem very rational. As long as you prepare yourself for both the good and the bad, you'll find a way to get through this. 

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Whatever this thing is with my CO (I'll probably never truly understand it) hit me pretty hard for a couple of months, but now it's kind of an on again/off again kind of thing. Has anyone else ever experienced this? I've had CO's for most of my life, and this has never happened. Sometimes I go days without even really thinking about him, and others I stay up nearly all night obsessing over him. 

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50 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

@HopelessRomantic2011 If you can maintain a good head on your shoulders about it (and it seems like you did....excellent!) that's a great outcome.  I wish I could be normal about it, because, on the one hand,  I think he might like to hear what he's done for me (without the silly fantasy details thrown in, of course!!) I read an article about him that said he responded favorably to kids back in the day who were going through a difficult time....well, that certainly was me; but I never thought about writing to him back then. Maybe he'd like to know he's solely responsible for the fact that I got through the emotional abuse my mother was throwing at me...I feel like I should thank him, but I don't know how I could tell him that without breaking down and making a fool out of myself.  On the other hand, he doesn't know me, so why should he care about that?

I wish there were a way for me to communicate to my CO what he's done for me and not what he's done to me. I would never be able to find the words though, and like you said - why should he care about that? Okay, of course both your CO and mine would be incredibly flattered and pleased about it, but I guess no reaction from them would ever be...accurate. My CO would never really understand. I know he's had some very wonderful things said about him by other people and my words would just get dropped into that pile. He needs to somehow know that I'm worth caring more about. < I was going to add "lol" to that or find a funny emoji to soften the "craziness" of that statement, but I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to undermine myself or my feelings. I don't see any of his other fans yapping about him on a forum like this and I don't think anyone else has written the equivalent of at least five novel-length books worth of journals about their feelings for him. I don't think his other fans have been sick over him, or have lost sleep over him. 

The only way I could ever communicate with my CO would be through a letter, which wouldn't have to involve meeting him. So that's always an option for you, Audrey. That would stop you from breaking down and rambling in front of him. He might even respond to you. 

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@dazedandconfused1 I'm a very all-or-nothing person, so that's never happened to me. Generally when I stop thinking about a CO, it means they're disappearing for good. By "disappearing", I just mean they're being demoted to minor crush status instead of full-blown obsession status.  Once they're there, there seems to be no going back. Although with this current obsession and everything that's transpired, I do have some days that are harder than others. My mind does seem to occasionally give a bit of a break, but never for long. 

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42 minutes ago, dazedandconfused1 said:

Whatever this thing is with my CO (I'll probably never truly understand it) hit me pretty hard for a couple of months, but now it's kind of an on again/off again kind of thing. Has anyone else ever experienced this? I've had CO's for most of my life, and this has never happened. Sometimes I go days without even really thinking about him, and others I stay up nearly all night obsessing over him. 

I've thought about my current CO nonstop for the past two months, but prior to that, I hadn't really thought about him in almost 10 years! lol It's strange how it happened. I was obsessing over another topic at the time that had nothing to do with COs and I was reading all I could about it and watching Netflix documentaries, etc. Then I randomly thought to myself, "If (current CO) had been alive during that time, he unfortunately probably would've experienced this awful stuff that I'm reading about." Then I started looking up current CO, got caught up on what he's doing nowadays, totally forgot about the other topic I had been obsessing about, and I only thought of him from that moment on. I'm really enjoying it right now so it makes me kind of sad to think that a day might come where I won't think of him at all. Of course in my case, I know that won't likely happen unless he gets "replaced" by someone, but it's very possible that he could be replaced by another CO from my past since they do make repeat appearances sometimes.

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13 minutes ago, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

I've thought about my current CO nonstop for the past two months, but prior to that, I hadn't really thought about him in almost 10 years! lol It's strange how it happened. I was obsessing over another topic at the time that had nothing to do with COs and I was reading all I could about it and watching Netflix documentaries, etc. Then I randomly thought to myself, "If (current CO) had been alive during that time, he unfortunately probably would've experienced this awful stuff that I'm reading about." Then I started looking up current CO, got caught up on what he's doing nowadays, totally forgot about the other topic I had been obsessing about, and I only thought of him from that moment on. I'm really enjoying it right now so it makes me kind of sad to think that a day might come where I won't think of him at all. Of course in my case, I know that won't likely happen unless he gets "replaced" by someone, but it's very possible that he could be replaced by another CO from my past since they do make repeat appearances sometimes.

I was actually scared of this happening with my current CO. Before the disappointing news showed up in May that forced me to start ignoring him/blocking him out of my brain as much as possible, I was nervous about him going the way of past CO's. I didn't want to start crushing too hard on any other celebrities because I was scared of "losing" the one I had and adored. I should've known though how impossible he'd be to lose. Now I can't even try to get rid of him. The CO I have now is on a much different level than any before him. But yes, it used to make me sad to imagine myself not being obsessed with him anymore! I never wanted a replacement. 

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Slightly off-topic, but I've been thinking about this song by Faith Hill lately. I always liked this song, but I used to hear it as a sort of fun and happy-go-lucky love song. A few days ago I started imagining, in my head, a more stripped-down acoustic and emotional version of it and suddenly it took on a whole different meaning to me. I have lots of songs that make me think of my CO, but this is a recent and sort of surprising one. Does anyone remember this song?

 

 

"If My Heart Had Wings"
Faith Hill
 
Damn these old wheels
Rolling too slow
I stare down this white line
With so far to go
Headlights keep coming
Loneliness humming along
Who poured this rain
Who made these clouds
I stare through this windshield
Thinking out loud
Time keeps on crawling
Love keeps on calling me home
I'd jump all these mountains and take to the skies
Sail through the heavens with stars in my eyes

If my heart had wings
I would fly to you and lie
Beside you as you dream
If my heart had wings

We both committed
We both agreed
You do what you have to to get what you need
Feeling you near me with so many miles in between
Lord, it ain't easy out here in the dark
To keep us together so far apart

If my heart had wings
I would fly to you and lie
Beside you as you dream
If my heart had wings

Stuck on this circle
Spinning around
Cut loose from this rope
That's tying me down

If my heart had wings
I would fly to you and lie
Beside you as you dream
If my
If my heart had wings
I would fly to you and lie
Beside you as you dream
If my heart had wings
 
Edited by posie_riot

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11 minutes ago, posie_riot said:

I was actually scared of this happening with my current CO. Before the disappointing news showed up in May that forced me to start ignoring him/blocking him out of my brain as much as possible, I was nervous about him going the way of past CO's. I didn't want to start crushing too hard on any other celebrities because I was scared of "losing" the one I had and adored. I should've known though how impossible he'd be to lose. Now I can't even try to get rid of him. The CO I have now is on a much different level than any before him. But yes, it used to make me sad to imagine myself not being obsessed with him anymore! I never wanted a replacement. 

That's understandable. But based on my history, I know that any CO can be replaced (for myself) no matter how strongly I've felt about them. I never thought I could replace the CO I first fell for almost 20 years ago with anyone else, but I did. He still holds a special place in my heart, I admire the person who he is, I'm still a huge fan, and luckily I've met him several times. :)  But over the past 20 years, there have been at least five others who I thought were pretty special too and I'm glad I discovered them. There's a lot of room in this obsessive heart of mine! :smilingteeth:

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16 minutes ago, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

That's understandable. But based on my history, I know that any CO can be replaced (for myself) no matter how strongly I've felt about them. I never thought I could replace the CO I first fell for almost 20 years ago with anyone else, but I did. He still holds a special place in my heart, I admire the person who he is, I'm still a huge fan, and luckily I've met him several times. :)  But over the past 20 years, there have been at least five others who I thought were pretty special too and I'm glad I discovered them. There's a lot of room in this obsessive heart of mine! :smilingteeth:

This is the ultimate goal for me with my current CO. I want to be able to get to that place so badly. All the ignoring of him I've been doing lately to avoid seeing anything too painful has me feeling a bit guilty. I don't know if 'guilty' is really the right word, but it just feels weird that I'm not even treating him like a normal, casual fan would anymore. I don't read any of his social media posts, I don't watch his online show, I have no idea what's going on in his life or whether or not he's in the news. This doesn't feel right to me. I've said so many times since I signed up here that I just want to be a "normal" fan. I want to admire who he is without getting so bent out of shape about his personal life. It's a huge challenge for me, obviously, and I don't know if I'll ever get to that point. This is clearly the most obsessed I've ever been with anyone, so it's uncharted territory for me. 

Edited by posie_riot

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8 minutes ago, posie_riot said:

This is the ultimate goal for me with my current CO. I want to be able to get to that place so badly. All the ignoring of him I've been doing lately to avoid seeing anything too painful has me feeling a bit guilty. I don't know if 'guilty' is really the right word, but it just feels weird that I'm not even treating him like a normal, casual fan would anymore. I don't read any of his social media posts, I don't watch his online show, I have no idea what's going on in his life or whether or not he's in the news. This doesn't feel right to me. I've said so many times since I signed up here that I just want to be a "normal" fan. I want to admire who he is without getting so bent out of shape about his personal life. It's a huge challenge for me, obviously, and I don't if I'll ever get to that point. This is clearly the most obsessed I've ever been with anyone, so it's uncharted territory for me. 

I hope that you're able to get there someday, but it'll happen when it happens. I like to think of this guy as my high school sweetheart because I didn't actually have one and I spent lots of my teenage years dreaming about him. I "loved" him before I ever had my first kiss or went on a real date with anyone. He was the first person who I was ever inspired to write about and I wrote tons about him. I've gone through periods of being jealous of his wife, but the fact that they've been together for 16 years now seems to indicate that they're putting in real effort to make things work and I'm happy that he seems to have such a nice family. He's not a perfect person but as far as "celebrities" go, I think he's pretty great. :)

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On the subject of meeting COs... I've debated with myself about that a lot over the course of this obsession. At the start, there was no question in my mind that I wanted to meet him as soon as I was old enough for a relationship with him to be a possibility. Then a couple of years later, doubts started creeping in... Firstly, I had a big fear of embarrassing myself in front of him (which I know would happen). Also, having not yet found this board, I felt very awkward over the extent of the obsession. I was worried that if I ended up getting to know him, he'd somehow discover that I'd been obsessed with him for many years before we met, and think I was some kind of stalker... Maybe that fear's a little bit irrational!

But now, I've come full circle with this. I don't really care so much anymore if I embarrass myself in front of him. If I ever get the opportunity to meet him, I'm definitely going to take it. If things don't go the way I want... well, I suppose that will be a sign that I should move on with my life. But I want to at least know I've tried, rather than wondering what might have been.

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