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7 hours ago, SophieViolet95 said:

I've made a step in trying to overcome my anxiety.

Off to college for a few hours a week doing Functional Skills Maths and GCSE English. 

When I was at school, my anxiety stopped me doing my exams (or at least getting a decent/useful result in them), I only managed about 2 months when I attempted college 3 years ago.

I start Monday and go in 2 times a week!

I am really excited to attempt to do this properly this time! :smilingteeth:

 

I know this isn't particularly related to having a CO but I sort of expect it to take them out of my head for a few hours a week. Though right now both of them appear to be going through a bit of a lull. They've both gone rather minor at the moment, I expect them to ramp back up again soon though. I watch my recent CO on TV more than my older one because I am still overly obsessed with one of his shows more than my older one at the moment. My daydreaming isn't all that much at the moment either but they become a lot bigger when I'm having anxious periods and I pretend that my CO is helping me through them. But they do still happen when I'm just randomly watching TV and I feel the need to get up and act it all out.

 

Another little random thing is that I came across an idea on Tumblr. I came across this picture recently of my recent CO holding up a piece of paper saying 'Breathe'. It was for a mental health charity based in Ireland and the persons Tumblr post said that when they feel anxious, they look at the picture and just imagine him telling them to "Breathe".

So whenever I feel anxious, I try and look at this picture and imagine it in my head too and try and breathe. 

Work, school, or anything that requires some brain work is usually a fairly good distraction from CO's, so I think it'll give you some relief in that regard. Congrats on tackling your anxiety! I actually started my digital art in hopes that it would be a substitute for my obsessions, but I wasn't quite that lucky.

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Y'all know I write stories.  All of these stories feature my CO as a lead character, and when I first started writing them about 2-1/2 years ago, you would have thought my fingers might catch on fire if I as much as typed even his first name, I'd been so secretive about him for so long! Lately, I'm not nearly as reticent about him as I used to be, and I've long since taken to using his real full name in these stories (makes for a much better thrill when I read them again, I'll say that! ❤️) I also use my alter-ego's full name, which wouldn't fool anybody who knows me -- her first name is a variation of my own name which I actually used for myself until I started college in 1982. Her last name (before she marries him) is a name I randomly picked at that time -- it's not anywhere close to mine, and it has no significance. But no one who knows me would mistake that the female lead in these stories is really me, in spite of any differences (like her age, or last name) -- there are many more similarities than differences. 
 
Obviously these stories falling into the wrong hands would be the absolute worst thing in the world. They’re password protected on my computer, and I know that’s not 100% safe, my computer could still be hacked, but I feel like the chances that I’d be hacked by anyone who would know who my CO is are pretty small, so I don’t worry too much about that.  The password protection is mostly to keep people (*ahem*) in my house from accidentally opening one of those documents on my computer. Still, I’m certainly not looking to send these stories out to the world!

OK, all that set up to tell this story.  Since the update on my computer yesterday, my word processor program (Pages) has been acting strange.  It began freezing last night, so I jumped on the Apple community support message board to post a description of the problem….sometimes computer geeks in the community have a brilliant fix for these things…or Apple techs will see it, and push through an update.  I think the latter will happen here, because I got an email from Apple this evening asking me for further information.

They wanted to know the version of Mac OS and Pages I'm using
They wanted to know if I’m using iCloud
and they asked if I would send them a copy of the document I was working on at the time 

I'm responded to their first two questions....but complying with that 3rd one???

06f.jpg

 

 

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@Audrey822 That photo is too much :roll2: I write all my journals in word documents on an old computer in my house. It's a miracle the whole thing hasn't crashed on me yet, but God forbid I write journals on my laptop, which other people might have to get into! I also print off my journals, which I know is risky. I keep them in binders within storage containers in my house because I want physical copies. There's a lot of room for mortification there. The only two people who could  really ever access them though are my parents. I trust my mom to respect my privacy, and I think my dad would assume they were school-related or otherwise uninteresting. 

I should mention that these binders take up two large storage containers so far. I can't imagine what will happen if I ever end up moving into a place with a significant other.

SO: "What's in these boxes?" 

Me:

kittie.gif

 

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Everyone. Please understand that I didn't want to hurt anyone by discussing something very personal. I don't want to act on those attractions I've had in the past.

As for Usher, I look on him as a special part of my life & he has been since the days of my childhood. I wish him all the best. I'm so proud of him & his success. I've seen him go through hell & I've always rooted for him in life & his career. I spent my life thinking he was the one but I now know that it would have been a difficult life for both of us. Usher is a good guy but I don't see how we so have gotten together in the end.

I hope all of you are well. I want to be in love not infatuation and I hope to find a man to love me back as much as I love him.

The thing is that the whole idea of sexuality kind of scares me because I've never done it nor do I see anything that is about a man in that way before I mean I've read Cosmopolitan but that crap is crazy and scary so I guess I just am paranoid over something I've never done or seen before but then I grow up wanting to be with Usher & so all that? I'm freaking out because being sexusl is a sin unless I get married and so yeah I guess it's pray for the rapture to happen soon.

 

Edited by urivgirl86
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I think I might have had a bit of a setback as far as my CO situation. I had a very short, very innocent dream involving him. All that happened was we were in my 10th grade math teacher's classroom (don't ask me why, I have no idea) and he was in character, so his brother on the show was there, too. Some kind of demon thing came out of the ground and he grabbed me and pulled me to him as he shot it, so of course my head was kinda on his chest. It was very pleasant, but that's all that happened. Now I've most likely given away my CO's show (and possibly him as well) if anyone here watches  it... Lol. Not that I mind, maybe it would be easier to understand if everyone knew who it was. Anyway, I have an awkward question that any men in the forum will probably be disgusted by, but I have to ask. Do any of you ladies with CO's ever notice that you're more obsessed with or more attracted to your CO when you're on your period? It seems like my thoughts tend to wander more to the naughty things during that time. It could just be me because I have had hormonal issues that actually caused me a lot of problems, but I thought it was worth asking.

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@dazedandconfused1 hmmmm...I know from taking a (very) basic Psychology class, there is a correlation between a woman's libido and her menstual cycle...biological signals are sent to her brain via hormones in order to encourage procreation, but this is something that happens in mid-cycle, when the chance for pregnancy is at its peak. It's not something I can personally pay attention to anymore though because I'm now menopausal. Sorry everyone for TMI. ???

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1 hour ago, Audrey822 said:

@dazedandconfused1 hmmmm...I know from taking a (very) basic Psychology class, there is a correlation between a woman's libido and her menstual cycle...biological signals are sent to her brain via hormones in order to encourage procreation, but this is something that happens in mid-cycle, when the chance for pregnancy is at its peak. It's not something I can personally pay attention to anymore though because I'm now menopausal. Sorry everyone for TMI. ???

The TMI isn't your fault... I started the conversation. ? I actually do find that info interesting, though. I knew our hormones got all screwy around that time, I just didn't really think about it all that much until recently. So I appreciate the reply and I apologize if it made you or anyone else uncomfortable. 

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30 minutes ago, dazedandconfused1 said:

The TMI isn't your fault... I started the conversation. ? I actually do find that info interesting, though. I knew our hormones got all screwy around that time, I just didn't really think about it all that much until recently. So I appreciate the reply and I apologize if it made you or anyone else uncomfortable. 

It didn't make me uncomfortable...it's biological fact.  Funny things happen as we get older (I think that's what it is)...one is, I've completely lost my filter about almost everything.  Nothing bothers me anymore.  There are facts and there is fiction.  If it's something is generally factual (not individually specific), we should be free to say it.  

Ironic that someone who's spent  almost her entire life in an alternate universe would express this in such a way, but that's the difference between "individually specific" and  "generally factual."  Everyone doesn't have an alter ego, or an alternate universe, so that's definitely "individually specific" information.  And now I'm making no sense at all, so I should stop explaining.  LOL 

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@dazedandconfused1 That sounds like a very nice dream to have had! It's a funny coincidence you brought up the subject of dreams today - I also had a dream about my CO last night. Unfortunately, it revolved around me finding out that he had a girlfriend... This is actually something of a recurring nightmare for me and there have been worse versions of it. Still, I had to check my phone as soon as I woke up to make sure it wasn't real. What annoys me is that I have this type of dream much more frequently than the nice romantic dreams!

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@dazedandconfused1 Considering how many of my fantasies involve being comforted and taken care of, I would said that yeah maybe the obsession ramps up a little at that time of month. I should say that it used to though, because my CO no longer brings me comfort. As far as thinking of naughty things, most people don't realize it but I believe that's quite common at that time of month :laugh:  

Your dream sounds like what sort of happened to me in real life with my CO (metaphorically speaking, anyway!). Part II of that dream for me would be that the demon comes back to life and he's too busy holding another woman to notice me. How pitiful :rolleyes:  I typically don't remember my dreams. To be honest, at the moment I can't even think of one dream I ever had about my CO. I know I've had a few, but I can't think of them. That said, I do have a distinct memory of a dream I had where I was at McDonalds with his ex-girlfriend. What a blast :party: This dream happened a couple years ago, while he was still dating her in real life. As I was paying, a multiple choice survey popped up on the debit machine. One of the questions asked me what I was doing for Valentine's Day. I chose the last option, which was "Go to church". I found that a little amusing. I can't remember what the other options were or if I even saw them in the dream. 

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1 hour ago, OpalP25 said:

@dazedandconfused1 That sounds like a very nice dream to have had! It's a funny coincidence you brought up the subject of dreams today - I also had a dream about my CO last night. Unfortunately, it revolved around me finding out that he had a girlfriend... This is actually something of a recurring nightmare for me and there have been worse versions of it. Still, I had to check my phone as soon as I woke up to make sure it wasn't real. What annoys me is that I have this type of dream much more frequently than the nice romantic dreams!

I "liked" your post, but I want to clarify:  I'm not liking it for the content of your dream.  You need a hug. :hugs:Keep reminding yourself:  that didn't really happen.  I think, at times, we worry about things so much we can't turn our brains off when we're sleeping and we "play out" some of these worst case scenarios in our dreams.  It sucks, really. 

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Thank you @Audrey822:hugs:Yes, I think it is just my mind playing out worst case scenarios. But sometimes I worry that it's also a form of mental preparation, for when something like that does actually happen in real life... :( I have had "future-predicting" dreams several times in the past, some of which turned out to be scarily accurate (this makes me sound really mad lol). However, I don't think these particular recurring dreams are future-predicting - well at least not all of them, as my CO has got together with a different woman or man in each one!!

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Why do I feel that no matter what because I didn't follow through with all of this regarding Usher that I am doomed to a less than life. It all works out for him & I spend the rest of my life miserable over this. I can't see how I could ever feel this way again for someone else. I truly don't.

The other night I got upset & angry at the protest and I realize now that this with the law environment would have been anew unfortunate real part of my everyday life had we gotten together and it broke my heart for him & his family so much so and I couldn't shake it. 

I'm ok for a while & I'm fine then I get upset and feel like God put something in me & I'm responsible for him in a way. It seems odd to see him & not feel so attached anymore. Maybe one day I'll understand all of this but until then I can't help but feel like I'm responsible for him no matter what.

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@Audrey822 What you said actually made a lot of sense, and I think I'm right there with you as far as having "no filter." If I'm comfortable enough to discuss my CO, I'm pretty much an open book. This is the only place that I have that, so I guess I'm a little extra courageous.

@OpalP25 I think having a CO messes with our minds a little. Imagining the worst possible scenarios comes with the territory in my experience. It can definitely be overwhelming.

@posie_riot I don't remember most of my dreams either, but apparently when we do remember, we sure have some interesting ones! ?

@urivgirl86 It seems like you take religion seriously, and while it may complicate things at times, maybe if you look hard enough, that could be where you find the answers you're looking for. Personally, I'm not religious, but many in my family are and it has helped them through many things. We all struggle in different ways, so we all have to find ways to deal with things that work for us. Hopefully having a place to share these thoughts is at least giving you some comfort.

Edited by dazedandconfused1
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On 9/23/2016 at 8:33 PM, SophieViolet95 said:

I've made a step in trying to overcome my anxiety.

Off to college for a few hours a week doing Functional Skills Maths and GCSE English. 

When I was at school, my anxiety stopped me doing my exams (or at least getting a decent/useful result in them), I only managed about 2 months when I attempted college 3 years ago.

I start Monday and go in 2 times a week!

I am really excited to attempt to do this properly this time! :smilingteeth:

This is a great step, well done and heaps of good luck today, I hope it goes really well for you. 

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15 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

Thank you @Audrey822:hugs:Yes, I think it is just my mind playing out worst case scenarios. But sometimes I worry that it's also a form of mental preparation, for when something like that does actually happen in real life... :( I have had "future-predicting" dreams several times in the past, some of which turned out to be scarily accurate (this makes me sound really mad lol). However, I don't think these particular recurring dreams are future-predicting - well at least not all of them, as my CO has got together with a different woman or man in each one!!

I was going to respond to this yesterday, but I ditched it. There was too much bad news yesterday... I woke up to tragic news about a young 24-year old baseball player who had a very promising career ahead of him, and then the day ended with news about Arnold Palmer passing as I was watching the Cubs play last night. There have been so many great people who passed on this year...2016 has been just awful.

That gets to my worst fears.

My fears for the future don't involve learning about a relationship, although that could happen. I've tried to block and avoid every possible way of stumbling upon such information, but I suppose it could sneak through somehow. Even if it did, I'd work through it and eventually ignore that. That's not the worst case scenario.

My CO will be 77 years old in a couple of months. He may or may not be in perfect health, there's no way for me to know. What I do know is, even though I've never met him, I don't know how I can continue to live in a world knowing he's no longer in it. 

Good grief, I'm crying just thinking about that. I'm going to send this now before I change my mind again. 

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@Audrey822 You're right about 2016 being an awful year - the world has lost so many great talents recently. I've also lost a couple of family members this year. :( 2017 really can't come around fast enough as far as I'm concerned.

I understand your worst fears... I posted about this at the time, but my CO ended up being in the vicinity of a terrorist attack last year. Luckily he was safe, but if things had gone according to the terrorists' plans... I don't even want to think about it. I spent hours that night checking for news on the internet, including on the twitter accounts of fans (who were clearly just as worried as I was) before finally seeing that he posted on Instagram at around 3am. Safe to say that was one of the most worrying nights of my life.

I can see how that awful fear and worry is so permanent for you because of your CO's age... On the one hand, people live longer and longer these days - he could end up living until 100. But on the other hand, any one of us could die tomorrow, no matter what age we are. I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that life is both fragile and unpredictable. We never know what the future will bring, and sadly we can't really control it...

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hi, Mila. I'm thinking of your gorgeous eyes and cute smile. I heard some other people talking about you the other day and it made me so mad. It hurt me all day. I know you would like me more than those people though. I know if we were in a crowded room together wed look past all the others for each other. And I know id find you cuz you shine like nobody else can. You're so perfect baby. It wouldn't matter if you were rich or homeless, celebrity or just another girl.. I would see you and I would drool endlessly until I found the perfect words to say to you. Just to have the honor of approaching you would be a high in itself. If I dont get to tell you what's in my heart until were both 50, I will consider it worth the wait. My day with you..you can't put a price on that. The odds are always against me but I have to believe ill get my time with you so I can make it through the day. I have to believe. Please notice me.

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@OpalP25 I remember reading your post about your CO being in the location of that terrorist attack, but I wanted to go back and read it again and I noticed....OMG, I have to apologize now for not speaking up at that time and comforting you about that. Please allow me to explain.

This is going to be another one of those long, therapeutic posts -- bear with me. 

Firstly, (as I take a trip down memory lane through the thread, and the awful year that was 2015) it was exactly 11 months ago today that I shocked myself by revealing something I never thought I would, precipitated by someone else's innocent post of the lyrics to a certain song.  After I did, I remember I wanted to bury it quickly and I solicited the help of a few friends here who realized the enormity of what I posted ("please, just post anything to get a few more pages added to the thread, so that page with my reckless post isn't where the thread opens anymore!!") Two days later, I went into hiding for awhile...and that's why I was absent from the thread when that happened.  (I'm so sorry.) 

 

Here we are saying 2016 is a horrible year -- and it is.  Your comment that 2017 can't get here fast enough is something I remember saying about 2016, because I thought 2015 was a horrible year. My psych doc had taken me off of Celexa, an SSRI anti-depressant, in April 2015 with intention of helping me to lose weight (it did that....SSRI meds are notorious for causing weight gain.)  He put me on Wellbutrin -- I lost 110 pounds, but depression started to creep back in, little by little.  Wellbutrin wasn't getting the job done.  And just to make it even more challenging for the new medication, 2015 kept hitting me with one thing after another.  I won't go into everything...let's just say things were going from bad to worse.  I went back to see my psych Doc the first week of December, almost crawling on my hands and knees begging him to do something else....the last weekend in November, right after Thanksgiving, I was going off to the bathroom just to have a cry alone every now and then (not that I didn't have reason, but they were small.  Enough was enough....I began to realize that if I'd still been on Celexa, a lot of the things  that were getting to me wouldn't have. I would have been stronger, I would have been able to get over a lot of those things easier.  I needed better meds!!)  He put me on Prozac, and things got better.  At least I wasn't falling apart over the small reasons anymore. 

Finally, 2016 arrived.... but it was only about a month old when I realized it might be much, much worse than 2015.  On February 4, Maurice White of Earth, Wind & Fire passed away.  Just as I worry about my CO, I had been worrying about Maurice -- but I had a better reason.  Maurice had Parkinson's Disease, and that was known about him for several years.  

As much as I saw my CO as "my protector" from emotional abuse and other horrible things that went on in my home as a pre-teen (because, at that time, he and my alter-ego were my escape... I "went to" him  through maladaptive daydreaming), Maurice White took over in a different way.  As an adult, I am inspired by his motivational and uplifting song lyrics.  I view Maurice as a mentor, a teacher, and -- through his music -- a better therapist to me than anyone else could ever hope to be. Some of you know, I didn't get the message that I could do anything, be anything, that everyone is a wonderful person just for being who they are -- even me.  Here was this message coming through song lyrics...("You're a shining star, no matter who you are, shining bright to see, what you can truly be")   He wrote so many songs like that, and....oh wow, I really needed it.  I really wanted to believe it.  I'll never forget hearing the words that he was gone...I thought I'd be prepared, but I wasn't.  I am still mourning, and I wonder if I'll ever be OK about that. 

To your point that anyone of us could die tomorrow -- nothing illustrates that better, or more sadly, than one of the news stories I mentioned in my first paragraph from my earlier post this morning:  the tragic story of 24-year-old Josê Fernandez, starting pitcher for the Miami Marlins Major League Baseball club.  He and 3 friends were killed in a boating accident early yesterday (Sunday) morning.  It doesn't matter that this young man was one of the brightest upcoming stars in baseball.  The story would be tragic if he was a nobody....24 years old.  It's unfair, really.  

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@Audrey822 Please don't feel you have to apologise for not being on the board at that particular time! There were other posters there for me to talk it over with the following day, including one whose former CO had also been in the stadium that night. That conversation helped me to feel less guilty over being so relieved that my CO was safe, when many other people had sadly lost their lives.

I can completely understand what a shock it was for you to see those lyrics posted here, and then to end up revealing your CO's band in such a short space of time. I've already told you that earlier this year, I checked the thread and saw that someone had tried to drop a big hint about my own CO (not sure whether it was by accident or on purpose). That certainly shocked me! I didn't want to deny it - I've always said I don't mind if people here work out who my CO is. Anyone who knows even a small amount about him would probably be able to guess his identity based off my posting history, as this particular poster obviously had done. But I didn't want to confirm it either. That was information I'd personally chosen not to reveal, and I definitely wasn't going to let someone else talk me into doing it. In the end, I decided not to respond to the post, simply because I didn't want to draw attention to it. It goes without saying that I was very glad when the next page of the thread was started! That was a good idea of yours to bury the posts about the song lyrics. It was very convincing burying, as I didn't have a clue that it was happening at the time!

Edited by OpalP25
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@OpalP25 I appreciate that you said that, but I still wish I had said something to you.  Looking back on it, it's not like me....if I had been myself at the time. I have a feeling it probably had more to do with my meds not being right than anything else.    

Looking back at those pages right after my "revelation"....it's funny, but it wasn't funny at the time.  There's more to this than I care to say on the public board, but when I saw those song lyrics, I was stunned....like a bucket of ice water dumped on my head first thing on a Monday morning.  I thought I was being so brave and courageous ...I'll just go ahead and get this out of the way, I'll admit that's my CO's band and get this little game over with.  (But if you find and read the post, you might think I sounded a little angry -- I was.) After keeping that secret for 47+ years, it didn't take long to start feeling sick!   I remember, and saw again this morning, all my attempts to get that buried....I posted Mariah Carey song lyrics and everything I could think of to move that post to the back a couple of pages.  Something got me angry again a couple of days later, and that's when I decided I needed to take a break from here.  I'm still not completely comfortable about certain things.  I ended up asking a mod to remove the video I posted a couple of weeks ago. ? 

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So last night, I was trying to show my husband a photo on my phone. I only wanted him to look at that photo but he took the phone off me and then started looking at the others. Normally this would be fine, except earlier yesterday I had watched my CO's periscope and took a few screen shots - I do this and then upload them to a private album on Flickr and Pinterest but I hadn't done it yet. Of course, he was surprised by the photos and looked at me and asked why they were there. I said, "Oh, just for Pinterest" took the phone off him and presumably went red (I definitely felt very warm suddenly). He didn't say anything else at all, didn't question why I needed these photos for Pinterest, anything. I think up until now he thought I had a bit of a crush on a completely different person from a different show entirely.

To be honest, I think I could have had those photos surrounded by hearts and he still would have accepted my answer and not pushed it further. If it had been the other way round, I'd have said something else, even jokingly. I expected a joke, a tease, but nothing, no reaction. Part of me feels a little bit like he doesn't care who I'm attracted to, that I have photos of someone else on my phone. Presumably he doesn't feel threatened by it at all although I think my chances of getting meet & greet tickets for my CO's show in January have probably plummeted somewhat (still not sure if that would be a good thing anyway).

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@perfectcircle77  I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I know how you must have felt. I would never want anyone in my family to find the photos on my phone, but I'd be more concerned about my sons than my husband.  I'd be teased mercilessly by anyone of the 3, but my sons would certainly question WHY Mom has so many pics of another man on her phone who isn't Dad, plus they wouldn't know who he is...they might assume my CO is some guy who comes around when Dad is at work all day (ha! I wish!! LOL) Even as adults, I couldn't expect them to understand, nor do I want to get into everything with them -- it's not really their business to know what's right and/or wrong in our marriage, even if we are their parents.

Like you, however -- but for different reasons, I'm sure -- my husband wouldn't care either, except to make a joke of it.  Thing is, unlike my sons, my husband would know who he is, and -- even if he didn't say anything right then and there -- he would eventually.  He wouldn't pass up that opportunity to make a joke of it, and he would make sure it's as belittling to my CO as possible....just to see my reaction.?

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1 minute ago, Audrey822 said:

Like you, however -- but for different reasons, I'm sure -- my husband wouldn't care either, except to make a joke of it.  Thing is, unlike my sons, my husband would know who he is, and -- even if he didn't say anything right then and there -- he would eventually.  He wouldn't pass up that opportunity to make a joke of it, and he would make sure it's as belittling to my CO as possible....just to see my reaction.?

I honestly feel like I'm on edge waiting for this. We're quite happy to tease and joke with each other and certainly in the past, with crushes I've had, that I've been quite open about, he's been happy to make light of it. 

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