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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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@posie_riot Have you ever Googled "limerence"? It's not only celebrities that make people feel like this.  I get that it might be a little more strange for those of us who don't actually work with or know the person we have a crush on or obsess over (whatever one chooses to call it) but still, it does exist outside the celebrity world.  And if there's anything strange about what goes on here, I have to take the prize for being the most strange of all.  Given that I went decades in between sightings of mine, I almost turned him into nothing more than a character rather than a real person (and in that entire 40 year stretch between 1973 when the band's last recording was released and 2013 when I started following their comings-and-goings again on the Internet, there was only one major sighting -- that concert I went to in 1982.  The other was just a website I'd seen him on.) As we all know, the fact that I "dehumanized" him is why real-life facts hit me so hard, I lost sight of the fact that he was a real person -- I never got to see  him doing interviews on late night TV like so many other normal people who have COs.  I kept myself attached to someone who disappeared and, quite frankly, intended to have a very private life.  I often wonder why I could never shake him after all that time...and then I'll see a picture of him, and the answer is crystal clear:  I've never seen any other man who melts my heart like the sight of him does.    ❤️

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Well I told my therapist. It wasn't planned. He got it out of me by asking enough questions about exactly what distracted me. Although I guess partly I wanted to say anyway, but I was still nervous and embarrassed. He was very supportive. Said it's not that unusual, not even for 30 year old males and there's a reason why I think about her so much which we're going to get to the bottom of. He was supportive. I regret calling him confrontational last message - it just takes me a moment to get used to a new therapist. He also though asked me to keep a journal of every time I thought about her. Not looking to the prospect of doing that.

I was doing better at avoiding internet and her and I said that to him, but now I'm not... going backwards. arrrgh.

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@Audrey822 I definitely relate to the intrusive thoughts, compulsive behaviours, and extreme emotions (euphoria and despair) associated with limerence. But I'm not so sure about the emphasis the term puts on emotional reciprocation, and I guess that's only because my LO is a celebrity. I knew my CO would never reciprocate my feelings. I absolutely knew that. Although interestingly, you could say that my brain invented a different type of "reciprocation standard". 

Even though I've always known that my CO and I would never meet and fall in love, it's like I need reassurance somehow that we could theoretically fall in love under slightly different circumstances. A lot of my obsessive thoughts centre around fears that 1) He wouldn't want me, 2) His current significant other is "better" than me, and 3) My fantasy is now "ruined". You can probably relate to me when I say that if my CO had stayed single for the rest of his life (i.e never married or had children), I would be 100% fine with us never being together. Why? Because the potential for my fantasy to become a reality would still exist, and that's all I need to hold on to. Technically, I had no interest in even meeting my CO. I knew with such certainty that he was never going to be "the one" for me. But I guess I needed to believe that - hypothetically speaking - my feelings for him could be more or less reciprocated. The idea of us ending up together was never completely outside the realm of possibility before, but now it pretty much is. That is unless I start fantasizing about an upcoming divorce and if there weren't a child involved, I'd probably do that. It's all just too complicated and overwhelming. Nothing less than a child would've put me into this state I'm in now, which is how I ended up so devastated and frantic. All I do these days is terrify myself with reasons why this fantasy of mine was always just one massive delusion anyway (i.e I'm not attractive enough, I don't have the right body, I'm not "impressive", I don't have the right personality, I'm boring, I'm too quiet and reserved, I'm too fearful, I'm lazy, I'm a "loser" etc. etc.). 

So instead of requiring that my feelings be reciprocated, I just need to believe that - in theory - my feelings could be reciprocated if things were just a little different. I guess that's the difference between traditional limerence and what I'm going through with a celebrity. I need to believe that it is truly only geographical distance and minor life circumstances keeping us apart and not anything major. Once I discovered something major, I fell apart. 

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@posie_riot Yes, I can relate to what you're saying there. It makes perfect sense. My situation is a lot different and a lot more complicated, but my feelings are the same as yours. I knew my CO and I couldn't be together in the beginning, and not for years later. It didn't matter. I fixed that. Imagining him with my alter-ego was good enough for all those years, until I found out (this is so embarrassing) that he had another life somewhere out there. There was so much I didn't know; I didn't look into it, I just stumbled on that information.

Since then, yeah. That was part of the analysis I did on my life:  what if? Would it have ever been possible for us to be together? How? I've beaten myself up about that a lot -- especially last year. If you read a lot of my posts from last year, you might notice I've said that a few times. I came to the conclusion it probably was not. I was still underage while he was between #1 and #2, and by the time #2 was over, I was hopelessly unavailable, and now I'm just hopeless. 

Here's the thing I want to cling to forever and never want to have shattered: I want to believe he would recognize me as his soulmate if he ever saw me. I am a younger version of my alter-ego. That should work in my favor now. I would want to believe he would recognize me and fall in love with me. I'm a hopeless romantic who still believe in fairy tales, love at first sight, and destiny.  I don't want us to ever come face-to-face because I don't want to learn I'm wrong about all of that. That's exactly what I meant when I said I'd be heartbroken if he'd walk away from me...because, if I'm right, how could he? He shouldn't want to walk away from a woman he recognizes as the love of his life. As long as I can keep believing he'd see me that way, I'm fine. ❤️

@MysteryName I'm very happy to hear that you told your therapist and it went well! Yeah, therapists like their clients to journal a lot. I haven't spoken about my session from Monday yet...y'all won't believe what my therapist wants me to journal about, but I'll save that for tomorrow. 

I think it's natural you'd search for her more after getting unexpected support from your therapist. You probably feel like you've been given a "green light." Be honest with that journal because it's important.

 

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@MysteryName - I'm so glad you took the step to tell your therapist and that it went well. I agree with @Audrey822, you need to be honest in that journal, so good luck with it.

I've been thinking a lot the last few days, and not always in a good way. My fantasy intrudes into my thoughts an awful lot at the moment and I'm having trouble concentrating and sleeping properly - not necessarily just because of the daydreaming but it's not helping.

I was reading about limerance this morning and it sounds a lot like me. I've had obsessions in the past with people I know such as work colleagues and the description of limerance sounds like me at those times, including the obsessing over whether that conversation or this look meant they felt anything for me. I sometimes wonder how many missed chances there were - I know of at least one (after the fact) where we were attracted to each but too shy to do anything about it. But in terms of this CO, I have absolutely emphasised his good bits and ignore/signficantly lessen his bad bits in my head. I tend to reason this out with a "well, if he was with me, he wouldn't be like that" which for some things may be true (or in reality may be true if he had a significant other generally rather than specifically me) but of course some of those things are his personality and it's more realistic to think that his bad bits are why he is still single at 40. 

 

7 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

Here's the thing I want to cling to forever and never want to have shattered: I want to believe he would recognize me as his soulmate if he ever saw me. I am a younger version of my alter-ego. That should work in my favor now. I would want to believe he would recognize me and fall in love with me. I'm a hopeless romantic who still believe in fairy tales, love at first sight, and destiny.  I don't want us to ever come face-to-face because I don't want to learn I'm wrong about all of that. That's exactly what I meant when I said I'd be heartbroken if he'd walk away from me...because, if I'm right, how could he? He shouldn't want to walk away from a woman he recognizes as the love of his life. As long as I can keep believing he'd see me that way, I'm fine. ❤️

This is absolutely what I cling to and I fear the day it is shattered. There's a small but actual possibility that I might one day get to meet my CO under a meet and greet circumstance. I want to do this, my husband would think it weird of me to not want to do this because we are all such big fans of my CO's show. I know that should they tour near us, we will get tickets and that would be amazing. BUT at the same time, I don't ever want to meet him because I don't want him to be sweet and lovely to me and then have to walk away from him knowing that he didn't look at me and think, "that is the love of my life." That would destroy me. I am a hopeless romantic right along with you, @Audrey822 

This week has been tough, I don't know why. Every song I listen to seems to have some meaning, relation to how I'm feeling. Yesterday my girls wanted to watch his show and picked the episode which I didn't realise until it was too late was the one I've been avoiding - in it he has to get someone to kiss him and the girl who does, he ends up dating for about a month afterwards. I just wanted to cry at that but at the same time I wanted to see it, I wanted to look at this girl and see what makes her special. On the surface, nothing. She looked ordinary. That didn't help me - if he must date someone that isn't me, I think I'd rather she was gorgeous and stunning so I could at least say, "Well, that's his type and it's not me." I don't know, I'm just cycling through so much in my head all the time. I'm so glad mind reading is not a thing, people would be very shocked by what's going on in mine all the time.

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Hi everyone. I have recently been going through some personal issues with family due to health & it's made me realize that once again I couldn't have just went to NY or LA after gradation high school because no matter what family comes before everything.

I'm on the other side of him and to be honest it feels strange still only because all those years I truly believed he was going to be my one & only so it feels odd because I am still here and he's out there & everything has changed fast since I graduated in 2005.

I have to believe that I did the right thing in the long run for myself & him. I don't know how much time I have left to remain as a human being & free citizen as a Christian due to the election and just can't believe I'm 30 and my life had zoomed by.

I've also been attracted to women throughout my life I've noticed this now as I've grown older. I'm noticing them more & more and feel something in my heart.

Please pray if you believe in prayer. I'm doing better so long as I stay neutral on men & women. I don't desire men or to see their bodies but I did love Usher

 

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12 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

 

Here's the thing I want to cling to forever and never want to have shattered: I want to believe he would recognize me as his soulmate if he ever saw me. I am a younger version of my alter-ego. That should work in my favor now. I would want to believe he would recognize me and fall in love with me. I'm a hopeless romantic who still believe in fairy tales, love at first sight, and destiny.  I don't want us to ever come face-to-face because I don't want to learn I'm wrong about all of that. That's exactly what I meant when I said I'd be heartbroken if he'd walk away from me...because, if I'm right, how could he? He shouldn't want to walk away from a woman he recognizes as the love of his life. As long as I can keep believing he'd see me that way, I'm fine. ❤️

 

 

 

4 hours ago, perfectcircle77 said:

 

I've been thinking a lot the last few days, and not always in a good way. My fantasy intrudes into my thoughts an awful lot at the moment and I'm having trouble concentrating and sleeping properly - not necessarily just because of the daydreaming but it's not helping.

I was reading about limerance this morning and it sounds a lot like me. I've had obsessions in the past with people I know such as work colleagues and the description of limerance sounds like me at those times, including the obsessing over whether that conversation or this look meant they felt anything for me. I sometimes wonder how many missed chances there were - I know of at least one (after the fact) where we were attracted to each but too shy to do anything about it. But in terms of this CO, I have absolutely emphasised his good bits and ignore/signficantly lessen his bad bits in my head. I tend to reason this out with a "well, if he was with me, he wouldn't be like that" which for some things may be true (or in reality may be true if he had a significant other generally rather than specifically me) but of course some of those things are his personality and it's more realistic to think that his bad bits are why he is still single at 40. 

 

This is absolutely what I cling to and I fear the day it is shattered. There's a small but actual possibility that I might one day get to meet my CO under a meet and greet circumstance. I want to do this, my husband would think it weird of me to not want to do this because we are all such big fans of my CO's show. I know that should they tour near us, we will get tickets and that would be amazing. BUT at the same time, I don't ever want to meet him because I don't want him to be sweet and lovely to me and then have to walk away from him knowing that he didn't look at me and think, "that is the love of my life." That would destroy me. I am a hopeless romantic right along with you, @Audrey822 

This week has been tough, I don't know why. Every song I listen to seems to have some meaning, relation to how I'm feeling. Yesterday my girls wanted to watch his show and picked the episode which I didn't realise until it was too late was the one I've been avoiding - in it he has to get someone to kiss him and the girl who does, he ends up dating for about a month afterwards. I just wanted to cry at that but at the same time I wanted to see it, I wanted to look at this girl and see what makes her special. On the surface, nothing. She looked ordinary. That didn't help me - if he must date someone that isn't me, I think I'd rather she was gorgeous and stunning so I could at least say, "Well, that's his type and it's not me." I don't know, I'm just cycling through so much in my head all the time. I'm so glad mind reading is not a thing, people would be very shocked by what's going on in mine all the time.

I spoke about this last year, a few months after it occurred (I couldn't even speak about it leading up to it, or right after) but my CO's band went on tour last year. One of the stops on this tour was a casino about a 90 minute drive from where we live, in a city where we've gone to concerts many times.  I couldn't go...I just couldn't do it. 

For some reason when I saw the band in 1982, I wasn't aware they did meet and greet sessions after their concerts even then. We were with another couple that night, and we probably just picked up and left. Nobody considered, or even knew (of course!) that we had been watching the love of my life on stage, and I didn't know that he might be meeting fans, taking pictures and giving autographs after the concert. I don't know what I would have done that night, or how I would have handled that. I've asked myself that question so many times since this obsession hit me so hard in 2013, and it makes me a little angry with myself that I didn't do better that night (I didn't even bring a camera ?) It wasn't always allowed, so maybe that's why? I don't even remember much about the concert. I only remember, and very well, what my CO looked like that night. I guess I wanted to hold on to that...it was all I'd get from him for another 17 years. But for reasons I can't explain, if there was a meet and greet after that concert, I didn't even know about it...probably because the people I was with weren't interested in such things and were in a hurry to leave. Other than being zoned in on him, on stage, the entire night is a blur for me (it was 34 years ago!) 

Now, about that concert last year. I kept hoping my husband wouldn't find out about it, because he knows I'm not just a casual fan of this band (duh!) and he'd find it very peculiar that I didn't want to go. But this time, I was quite aware of the meet and greet session the band does after their concerts, and this time, I was also in an entirely different frame of mind from where I was in 1982. None of that stuff I said in that quote above was on my mind in 1982...the idea of being heartbroken if one of us walked away would not have been an issue in 1982, but in 2015, it definitely was. And obviously I would have to be the one who would have to walk away with other fans around waiting their turn to meet him (but you don't understand...he's mine!!) and -- oh, God -- my husband would be there too, because how could I have told him "no, Mr. Audrey, I'd like to go to this concert alone. Why? Don't worry about that. You've got your video games...you won't even know I'm gone. Just put me on a bus, and if I don't come back, don't come looking for me!" No, that wouldn't have worked.  And going to the concert, knowing he's taking pictures with other fans and not getting in that line with them would not be an option. But at that moment it would be my turn with him (what would I say after all this time? What are the right words for that situation?) When he would look at me, would he have seen just another fan? Or would he have seen what I wanted him to see? Would he have seen the woman he should be with, the one who would make the rest of his life as happy as he's ever been, and regret that he hadn't found me sooner (like, maybe 1982....but better late than never.) Would he recognize all this and tell me not to leave? (Tell Mr. Audrey to leave instead!) Unless I could be sure of that outcome, I couldn't risk it...because if that didn't happen, everything I'd played out in my head for 48 years (at that point) would have been a lie. 

The other thing I couldn't risk in going was taking the chance (and it was a real possibility) of seeing him with someone I didn't want to see him with...IYKWIM. ?

@perfectcircle77 I'm sorry for what you're going through right now...the music that's breaking your heart (I know that feeling) and the TV show you accidentally watched. I get that too. Every woman I've seen my CO with (with the exception of #2) is a "girl-next-door" type. I could run into one of these women at the mall, nothing special. In fact, I will say with honesty and not to brag, but I look a lot better than one of the women I've seen him with. (I'm obviously younger than she is, for one thing....but now, I'm not too young for him. ??❤️)

 

 

Adding on edit:  the formatting on this board drives me nuts at times.  Is it just me, or does anyone else have issues with that?  ?

Edited by Audrey822
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I want to be a maladaptive daydreamer no fair ? I want to be able to see myself with Mila and have it feel real. A romantic night under the stars, a cute snowball fight full of laughing and tackling each other, a chill night at a diner where I just listen to you talk for hours, the feeling of touching your skin and feeling your hands all over me.. When I imagine it, it doesn't feel real enough! Come to me, Mila. I'm waiting.

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@Audrey822 Same old same old, I guess. I tried to figure out how to block myself from seeing certain ads on the internet. I had no luck with that. The ads seem to be unchangeable. Everywhere I look I see Pampers or Huggies advertisements, or I'll see ads for movies/TV shows involving pregnancy. I bet I'll see even more now that I've typed those words, thanks to Google algorithms lol. It's amazing how much you notice these things when they're triggering. Actually, I've been thinking about my CO and his fiancée a lot today - perhaps more than usual. All crummy thoughts. Self-loathing thoughts. Questioning my purpose in the world. Pretty typical. Melodrama to the max.

To answer your question from earlier - yes I have so many issues with the formatting on here. This site drives me nuts every day. Have you noticed that when you go to @ reply someone, sometimes it predicts the name you're looking for and it turns blue, and other times you have to type the name out and it doesn't turn blue? I imagine that when it doesn't turn blue, a notification isn't sent to the user. I've had a lot of problems related to that, and that's also why I couldn't PM you all a few days ago. I had to type out everyone's names myself and then it said something like "recipient is invalid". I logged out and back in at least three times, refreshed like crazy, cursed a few times...nothing helped. And any time I have to quote someone, it's a small miracle when my post actually makes it onto the site. 

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@posie_riot Yes!!  And it acts weird when I put an image in a post or a video, or when I try to hide text in the middle of a post, it winds up hiding everything that comes after!!  I have to type everything, post it, edit it and put the "spoiler" things in after I edit.  And then (aaaaarrrrrggggh!!!) it sometimes won't save the  post after I've tried to edit it.  I have a long post I'm going to drop in after this.  Whenever I have a long post, I always type it in notepad and copy it because I don't DARE trust this board with something that long...I know I'd wind up losing the whole thing!!  

I'm so sorry about all your triggers.  I know exactly how difficult that is.  I think what you just said  must be the worst...that's almost unavoidable, stuff about that is everywhere (do you have an adblocker?  Download AdBlock...it will take care of those pesky ads you don't want to see and  Google won't be able to do that to you anymore.)  I'm crossing my fingers that things get better for you.  I can tell your heart is breaking, and I've been there.  I wish there was something I could do.:console:

Edited by Audrey822
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So, this was my therapist’s bright idea on Monday.  

I caught her up on how things went since our last session when we had our big discussion about self-punishment.   I was inspired by my favorite EWF song…those words finally got through for once, and I told her that:

Just decide to make it better

Turn it into something good

Remember you can choose not to lose

Right after that — maybe that same afternoon — I made the decision to stop punishing myself and "make it better" instead.  I would take control of the situation.  She had suggested I should maybe stop going to eBay if seeing that poster coming up now and then was triggering me.  I could have done that, but the good things I was finding on eBay were (and are) too valuable to me to give up over that damned poster (I wish I could tell y’all about my CO’s participation in a questionnaire/interview that was in a 1968 magazine that I got in the mail today ….adorable!  ❤️  I love his sense of humor!) I did not want to give up these things that make me smile over that damned poster!!  So, y’all know what I did:  I bought the poster.  My therapist was both shocked and amused…and proud of me (LOL)  Incidentally, it hasn’t arrived in the mail yet, but that’s not unusual for things to take this long with this vendor coming from as far away as it is.   And, of course, I told her what I plan to do to the poster when it arrives.  She was really amused by that.  But she thinks it’s a good idea….closure.  

I also decided to take control of how I feel by not being so explicit in talking about *it*…if it’s necessary to talk about this at all, I would go back to using the vague terminology that I used several months ago (referring to *them* as #1 and #2 rather than who *they* really are, because in my universe, *they* don’t exist.  *They* are less than numbers.) I would go back to avoiding the trigger words.  As a result, I have had a very good 3 weeks since my last therapy session.  

After I told her all of this, she had this bright idea that I should journal about all of this before I shred or burn the poster (or however I decide to destroy it.)  Journal about it?  I asked her what she meant by that…she said I sounded so in control about it, and she knows how much I like to write (yeah, but…)  She thinks I should write about how I got from there to here.  What??  Re-hashing all of that is the very last thing I want to do, now that I’m finally in a good place about it!!  No, no, no, no, no!!   

I know better now.  I know she means well, but she put me through hell right after this all began, and quite frankly I’m only just now fully recovering.  Taking control of this began in my therapy session in June.  That poster put a big speed bump on my road to recovery, but I have to keep moving forward now that I’ve cut that down too.  I can’t let my therapist pull me back into her well-meaning but wrong-for-me methods.  

I had a session 2 days after the picture episode in April when we talked about the 5 stages of grief and how I’d find peace with acceptance…only in the next session to learn she wasn’t happy with what *I* considered acceptance because I wasn’t accepting things for what they “really” are. I told her I felt it was necessary to do it that way — we talked about my alter-ego again, the story line between her and my CO, the importance of keeping that intact.  Accepting things as they “really are”  would ruin it, of course.   She ended that session asking me if I might consider, not giving it all up per se, but “loosening my grip on that narrative a little.”   (NO.) 

Given that the answer was no, in the next session we talked about need vs. want...about a child who says she needs to hold on to a certain toy -- she asked me what I would I tell the child? -- obviously, I said, the child doesn’t need that toy, she merely wants the toy.   I immediately sensed that she was trying to trick me, that she was trying to say -- without saying it -- that I don't need my CO, I simply want him;  I don't need to hold onto him, etc.  I felt immediately suspicious, but I came there for help…I was going to try to put my faith in the process.  I asked her “What am I supposed to do if he’s gone from my life…if I gave him up for whatever reason?”  She told me that’s what she wanted me to think about for the next session. ?

I thought about it.  All the way to the parking lot.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  She had to be kidding, and I got a little angry.  When I first told her about my CO, I made it clear that I would never entertain the idea of giving him up. She told me we would always be working toward my goals, that she didn’t have an agenda.  OK, then.  This idea of thinking about what I would do if he was gone from my life will not be an issue until necessary (hopefully not for a very long time.)  I made up my mind to tell her that next time before I even started the car to leave from the session I just had.  I went home and wrote a very long journal entry making my case  (not that I needed to convince anyone, but it just felt good to do so.)  When it was time to have that session, I did tell her that.  I told her there would be no more talk about accepting what really is, giving him up, or what I would do without him (until it’s necessary to have that conversation.)  

As I said, the poster became a speed bump on this road to recovery, because it was only 5 weeks after that session that I first saw it. Then we began that nightmare that will not really be over until that package comes in the mail and I somehow (figuratively) destroy the b!tch represented on that piece of paper who has been haunting my life for the past 3 years.  I will survive.  I am a survivor, and I don’t need to write a journal about it to get through it.  

LOL.  I didn’t want to write a journal about it, but I guess that’s what I just did. ?

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@Audrey822 I'm still surviving, I guess.

I saw my psych doctor yesterday. I brought up everything that was going on with me; the depression, the maladaptive daydreaming, etc. I don't think she understood me...maybe she did, I don't know. Basically she said I have to find balance between fantasy and reality; use my fantasies to inspire and improve my reality. *shrug* I kinda get it, I guess, but I don't know what to think about that.

 

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@Audrey822 I'm doing well, thanks for asking! I've had some awesome days over the last week or so, doing fun things with family and friends. Not looking forward to going back to university later this month though...

As for my CO, well I was prepared for a whole month of barely seeing him in the media at all, but the last few days have been manic! You know I told you he wouldn't be playing a certain event... well now he is. Not quite sure how I feel about this, it's a bit nerve-wracking... But I've seen loads of cute and hilarious pictures and videos of him and his teammates, so I'm happy!

Oh the formatting on this board drives me crazy too! I also have to copy every long post I make here, otherwise it gets lost. It's a bit annoying because I'm quite a slow writer, so the amount of time it keeps me signed in is almost never enough!

I'm sorry about the difficulties you've had with your therapist. I suppose there's so little known about this subject, that she's just trying her best to apply the knowledge she has from other areas to your situation. These people are usually excellent at dealing with cases of depression, anxiety, etc. but celebrity obsession... not so much. I don't know what type of therapy you're having, but in the UK, counselling is the most common (which is what I had earlier this year). Counsellors basically encourage the patient to talk and talk and talk about their problem as a way of healing. I'm pretty sure they're not allowed to make any sort of big sweeping suggestions, such as "give up your CO". It could be something you might want to try. :)

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@fabulousrockstar I think she just means you shouldn't live in your fantasy world 24/7 and forget to live in the real world.  I hope you can. I think finding balance between the two (fantasy and reality) is important. I manage both simultaneously most of the time. 

@OpalP25 I'm happy to hear the news about your CO! I know it's nerve racking, but still good news! ?Be happy!! I know you are. (Speaking of sports, my football team lost their first game -- in a very stupid way, too. I'm very angry with them. ? But my baseball team won their division last night ?...playoffs start in October!)

My therapist uses cognitive behavioral therapy. But about my CO, we mostly do a lot of talking...unless I've seen something about him that brings me to her in pain, I'm not looking for her to "fix" anything, and she knows that. Maybe she thought I wanted to be free of the whole thing, I don't know. I don't know how or why she got that impression, but I certainly didn't intend to give her that vibe...I only wanted to be rid of the pain, not him! I'm pretty sure she knows now (again?) that's never going to happen. 

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11 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

LOL.  I didn’t want to write a journal about it, but I guess that’s what I just did. ?

I really resisted the idea of writing a journal about that whole episode for 4 days, and it wasn't until I got to the end of what I'd written to post here last night that I realized: Silly, this is exactly what your therapist wanted you to do! It's so different though, writing things to tell y'all. It feels safer because all of you understand it better than she does. Don't get me wrong -- she's a great therapist, I wouldn't change therapists for anything. Every time something's gone awry, it's only because something was miscommunicated (and, early on, that was due to my anxiety about this issue.) But even when something doesn't go wrong, I think she has only limited understanding about this subject, and I can't blame her for that. As @OpalP25 said earlier, there's not much known about the subject; I'll bet it wasn't covered in any of her Psych classes in college (it surely wasn't in any of mine, and I took quite a few Psychology courses...for awhile, I even thought about majoring in Psychology.) So, I realize she's doing her best. We're both charting unfamiliar territory together, and sometimes we get our signals crossed. I'm not about to throw her under the bus for that because when she finally "gets it" she's very good. 

When I go back, she'll just ask me if I wrote the journal. I'll be able to honestly say I did. I wouldn't have lied if I continued to resist. I probably would have just gotten into another rant about not wanting to rehash the whole thing again -- and I don't/didn't. But I managed the journal in a safe way (to my surprise!)...a way that's only possible to do here. 

Y'all are amazing. I don't tell all of you that enough. :hugs: I write therapeutic volumes here, and y'all actually read the stuff!  Thank you so very much. ❤️❤️❤️

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@Audrey822 err mixed. Thanks for asking. I can't keep this diary. How do I write something every second for every thought which enters my head? When I already consume every second I have of life and accomplish less with my time than everyone else in the world - absolutely nothing. I had in my mind that I'd blown a month just lounging around at home since getting home from travelling. Turns out its a month and a week now. That small difference hit like a ton of bricks and made me think dark thoughts. I'm not sick, nothing external has happened to me, it is not hard to just shut off the internet and if I do it for long enough my brain should come back. I don't know if my brain will come back if I shut off the internet for long enough - but I haven't even tried! My therapist said I should get my concentration back if I managed to avoid the internet for long enough. Nothing bad has happened to me I'm just the worlds laziest spoiled brat who won't just get off his ass and do something.

I don't even want to discuss my CO with him now. Dreading my appointment. She is not the problem - she just gives me something to talk about rather than focus on the fact I'm a lazy brat who could just stop wasting every second but I won't. Avoidance technique. You know sometimes I think if I'd pretended I wasn't obsessed rather than talking about it on this forum all the time it would have gone away of its own accord. Was I even obsessed back before I started telling myself I was? Now I've made it concrete and completely inescapable and talking about it with my therapist just makes it more so.



I feel now I have to see her ( @Audrey822 and @perfectcircle77 seeing as we're talking about meeting CO's) But I've fantasized so much about meeting her reality could never live up to fantasy. Whenever I hear fans say how nice she is in person and how down to earth and how much time she has for her fans I love her more and then I realise this builds up the illusion even further. It doesn't matter how nice she is. She's still a star and at a meet and greet she is still surrounded by fans and being nice and down to earth doesn't change the fact that time is limited and every one of us wants to meet her and she couldn't possibly remember just one of the many fans who she has spent a few seconds with. One of the key aspects of my obsession is how small this makes me feel. It's degrading having an obsession. I cease to be a person who can hold my head up as an equal against people who I actually know and can talk to as equals and become just a tiny little fan drooling over my goddess who has accomplished a million times more than I ever will and wouldn't even notice me. This is why in my fantasies I am a better version of me. Often these days I've sold my game and am an indie games developer. Ironically even that wouldn't make a difference - it wouldn't make any difference to her if an individual fan happens to be unemployed and living with parents or have a cool job - they are all just pieces of paper to sign and photos to take with. The thing is she's very far from being an A lister. Information and images that make her seem more celebrity-like shatter the girl next door illusion and make me seem even more like a pathetic tiny fan. I feel guilty when I don't want to be super famous, obviously. If your CO isn't already an A lister, out of interest, how would you react if they became one?


Despite this, meeting her is the only thing I could truly look forward to now that I know could happen. Having my own girlfriend? Hahahaha forget that! Being successful at something myself? Equally no chance. I want to meet her before she has a boyfriend that I know of otherwise I know all I'd be able to think of would be him. Very very harmful reckless unrealistic aim! She discussed her love life in an interview a month or so back - she was single with a limited romantic history as she has always been married to her creativity (makes me love her more) and yet going out on dates so she could have met someone already even. Also I have a feeling I may have just discovered who one of her previous boyfriends is and I don't quite want to believe it. Makes me feel such a pathetic loser even thinking of this - what would she think of some drooling little worm like me obsessing about her love life? Creepier than just obsessing about her.

@Audrey822 It's great that you find such support here! I love this place - most the time I just write stuff whether I get a response or not I just feel better when I finished writing it than when I start. If nothing else it's a place where I get to talk about her . But I think listening more to this place than to a therapist is a possible trap that one can get into because this place is so nice and we all share our experiences and generally agree with each other and rarely challenge. I hope what I'm saying doesn't sound presumptive or anything - I'm not really someone who should be giving advice given my own mess, but there is clearly something you want to let go of - the pain - and I find actual therapy like CBT that does involve a therapist telling you what to do is the only way to really get rid of pain. I mean what does she actually respond when you reply to her saying you should get rid of your CO and you say that actually you don't want to get rid of your CO? Does she clarify exactly what she wants you do? Whether it really is getting rid of your CO or some state in between? I think you need a lengthy detailed answer to that question although I imagine you've already discussed it in detail. 

@nothingatall7777 I've actually read every one of your posts and once or twice drafted responses. There's not many guys in this forum so I guess I wish I knew how to advise the one or two other guys that are here. I didn't finish posting them though as I'm just not really sure what you are actually looking for from this forum. You seem to want to talk to Mila and not us but then, on the other hand, there are much better places to post your messages if you really wanted Mila to see it so you're clearly in this forum specifically for some reason? What do you really really want in the long run, real deep honest answer? To end up with Mila? To get some recognition from Mila that would be some sort of release, or closure, so you could get back to the life you really want with your fiancee? To stop wanting to communicate or end up with Mila - to remove her from your mind or reduce her burden on your mind? How are things going for you right now - with your fiancee, with your therapy - I think you mentioned you were having it?

 

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@MysteryName Step 1.  Stop criticizing yourself.  Seriously, this is not just my opinion.  There's lots of evidence out there to suggest these negative messages you're sending yourself have an effect on the way you perform.  Here's an article you really should read and try to follow it as best you can -- see if doing so can make a positive change in your life:

http://goop.com/the-scary-power-of-negative-words/

Step 2.  Start small.  Don't try to think of giving up the Internet altogether all at once.  Try to give it up for a half hour.  Congratulate yourself if you're successful.  Later, or the next day, try for another half hour.  Eventually, increase the time to an hour.  Don't forget to congratulate yourself every time you're successful, too.  

Try that, and see if those two things help just a little in the next couple of days.  Maybe you'll start to feel a little better and you'll dread your appointment less.  You shouldn't dread it at all.  Your therapist is there to help you.  If we were perfect people, we wouldn't need them, and they'd be out of work!  Let him help you, OK?  

Quote

at a meet and greet he is still surrounded by fans and being nice and down to earth doesn't change the fact that time is limited and every one of us wants to meet him and he couldn't possibly remember just one of the many fans who he has spent a few seconds with.

That right there that you said...that's my nightmare.  (I've changed "she" and "her" to "he" and "him" to make it apply to my CO.)  If he didn't remember me, or know me in the first place -- as crazy as that sounds -- it would break my heart.?  If seeing me didn't make time stop for him, everything I've been living for would be lost.  I can't chance it.  I'd rather live out the rest of my life with that dream still in my heart that he would; I would rather just believe we were meant to be together, and that he would realize it instantly. I have to hold on to that, because it's all I have in this life.  I've had a wonderful life of maladaptive daydreaming with him in my head; that has been my whole life.  I don't want to ever find out it was a lie.  I'd rather not meet him and find out I was wrong about that. I couldn't handle it.  I couldn't handle seeing him walk away from me (or wondering why he's allowing me to walk away from him.)  No, I have to stay away.  It's better that way.  Right now, I'm listening to him sing on my iPhone as I'm typing this...and it makes me so sad to type what I just did as I'm listening to him, I'm fighting back tears.  And I'm rambling on here, too..... sorry. 

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For everyone here...

enough.jpg 

 

You are. Tell yourself that. "I am enough". You are perfectly you. It's an easy mantra, and it isn't corny. 

 

And also for everyone here...

 

hedge.jpg

^ I found this lil guy mixed in randomly with some inspirational quotes on Pinterest. He has inspired me. 

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Can I also just say that three months ago, before I signed up for this site, I never could've imagined being in a good enough place to post anything remotely uplifting. I'm still going through a rough time and some days are worse than others, but talking with you all has somehow given me hope. When I first signed up, I had none. I truly felt that my life was over. There's this feeling here of almost being part of a team. I feel like I have to be strong not just for myself, but for anyone going through anything like this. I'm determined in a way that I never thought possible. I truly want to get better now. Some of my self-pity seems to have transferred into what I think is a healthy amount of anger towards the fact that anyone can be made to feel this way. I can't believe I let my CO do this to me. He isn't worth this pain. He's just a man. I can't let another person - no matter how "incredible" they may be - have this kind of hold on me. 

I'm in a somewhat optimistic mood right now after three days of feeling more down in the dumps than usual over everything. I'm sure these emotions will continue to cycle, but I'd rather keep riding the waves than sink to the bottom (which is what I was doing when I first got here). 

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@posie_riot You are part of a team. :hugs:I'm glad that being here gave you hope and turned things around for you. It's a really big deal to get support and find out you're not going through something  alone. I can easily say that when it comes to anything about my CO, good or bad, being on this site has been more helpful than my therapist has been (I know she tries, but she doesn't and can't "get it" like people in this thread do.)  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you continue to have good days. Let us know how things are going today, OK? ?

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@posie_riot Aww, love the little hedgehog! He's adorable! Glad you are feeling stronger and more optimistic than before. :) I think you're right that having a CO is a cycle of emotions (I'm in the downward part of that cycle right now unfortunately...) You just have to "keep riding the waves", like you say. As screwed up as it sounds, I think I'm actually addicted to the emotional highs and lows of the CO experience. If I wasn't, surely I would have stopped obsessing by now? This might be part of the reason why the idea of a comfortable, steady relationship is so unappealing to me...

I think now's probably a good time for me to start working on an article for the CO blog! Writing always seems to make things a little bit better.

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12 minutes ago, OpalP25 said:

I think now's probably a good time for me to start working on an article for the CO blog! Writing always seems to make things a little bit better.

Yay!  :hugs:I was supposed to do more writing too, and all the drama that went on here last week distracted me.  There were a couple more topics I know I wanted to discuss.  I'll have to get back to that this week.

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