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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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I'm unemployed, living with parents and don't even know where to begin job hunting as every career option seems impossible when my mind quite simply DOES NOT WORK. I cannot think of a single productive thought for more than 5 seconds and so instead I just spend 24 hours a day daydreaming about, looking at, watching a woman who doesn't know I exist and would be repulsed by me. I'm not getting enough exercise, my hobbies are collapsing, I don't want to talk to anyone because they have jobs. I HAVE THE COMPLETE SET FAILURE WISE IN EVERY DIMENSION!! I genuinely can't even think of a way I could have failed worse!! Is there any? People answer that question with things like "you could be a drug addict" NO - drug addiction only happens because of how life messes you up. Life hasn't messed me up. I MESSED MY OWN LIFE UP!

When people talk like me people normally give advice about "self esteem" but in this case it's different - hating myself is the completely rational response to the utterly utterly extreme failure described above. Anyone would agree on that. It would be a sign of mental illness if I DIDN'T despise myself!!!

I'm sorry to respond to your kind words like this @Clarissa I did read them. I do appreciate them. Thanks. I just needed to rant out of frustration that apparently I'm trying to climb to exactly the same point ("mediocrity") that most people would consider a demotion. It feels like dreaming that one day you'll be able to get a C on your exams, only to listen to people all around complain about how they "hope they don't get as low as a C!". That's my whole "life".

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53 minutes ago, MysteryName said:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHH! That Article!

I DREAM of being mediocre! Every day of my life I WISH I was mediocre! It is my greatest ambition in life to be mediocre! When you are the lowest most incompetent at life pile of crap waste of oxygen that has ever lived like me being merely mediocre would be a massive promotion! It really really stings to be reminded that everyone else on the planet is so far above my head that they actually DON'T WANT to be mediocre!

That is only your perception.  It's not true.  You are worth more than you realize.  Give yourself a break and take some deep breaths.  Love yourself.  Seriously, love yourself.  Challenge yourself to find even just one good thing about yourself today and embrace it.  (I saw the picture you posted...you have good taste in women.  You could always start there.  Not every man can say that!)

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13 minutes ago, MysteryName said:

I'm unemployed, living with parents and don't even know where to begin job hunting as every career option seems impossible when my mind quite simply DOES NOT WORK. I cannot think of a single productive thought for more than 5 seconds and so instead I just spend 24 hours a day daydreaming about, looking at, watching a woman who doesn't know I exist and would be repulsed by me. I'm not getting enough exercise, my hobbies are collapsing, I don't want to talk to anyone because they have jobs. I HAVE THE COMPLETE SET FAILURE WISE IN EVERY DIMENSION!! I genuinely can't even think of a way I could have failed worse!! Is there any? People answer that question with things like "you could be a drug addict" NO - drug addiction only happens because of how life messes you up. Life hasn't messed me up. I MESSED MY OWN LIFE UP!

When people talk like me people normally give advice about "self esteem" but in this case it's different - hating myself is the completely rational response to the utterly utterly extreme failure described above. Anyone would agree on that. It would be a sign of mental illness if I DIDN'T despise myself!!!

I'm sorry to respond to your kind words like this @Clarissa I did read them. I do appreciate them. Thanks. I just needed to rant out of frustration that apparently I'm trying to climb to exactly the same point ("mediocrity") that most people would consider a demotion. It feels like dreaming that one day you'll be able to get a C on your exams, only to listen to people all around complain about how they "hope they don't get as low as a C!". That's my whole "life".

I don't know you personally, I'm not sitting next to you....but I guarantee if I did, and if I was in the same room with you, I could prove you wrong about all of this. You are not a failure in every dimension, and if I was sitting next to you, I know I could find something about you that's positive.  I don't think so, I know so.  You just aren't looking at yourself the way other people do.  You've talked about your travels on this board.  Do you know how many people haven't seen the world like you have?    You're obviously educated...I can tell that by reading your posts.  Think about what you've studied.  You know what you're qualified to do.  Think positively.  There is something you're qualified to do, you just have to stop hating yourself and find that thing.  Please stop hating yourself, and please stop feeding yourself these negative messages.  The way I see it, that's the biggest obstacle to your success.  If you stop that, things will improve. 

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1 hour ago, Audrey822 said:

I don't know you personally, I'm not sitting next to you....but I guarantee if I did, and if I was in the same room with you, I could prove you wrong about all of this. You are not a failure in every dimension, and if I was sitting next to you, I know I could find something about you that's positive.  I don't think so, I know so.  You just aren't looking at yourself the way other people do.  You've talked about your travels on this board.  Do you know how many people haven't seen the world like you have?    You're obviously educated...I can tell that by reading your posts.  Think about what you've studied.  You know what you're qualified to do.  Think positively.  There is something you're qualified to do, you just have to stop hating yourself and find that thing.  Please stop hating yourself, and please stop feeding yourself these negative messages.  The way I see it, that's the biggest obstacle to your success.  If you stop that, things will improve. 

OK. Calmer post. I just got out to the shops as I really needed to get away from the computer screen. It's not the longer cycle ride I hoped to do today but at least a bit of fresh air and it's helped clear my mind. And then I come home to a lovely message from @Audrey822 which helped cheer me up more. Thankyou! I have been keeping up with what you've posted. Did you manage to write any more to your story? I felt that that was such a good idea. I try to let my CO obsession inspire creativity in me and it is definitely using this obsession for the best, although my fantasies are too mundane for stories. And anything that does more to make your reality the real and concrete one, as opposed to less pleasant realities, seems like a good idea.

I just ended up ranting as anything that sets off the "if other people can feel bad with X what does that make me?" chain of thoughts is kind of the biggest button for me. It shouldn't be though and I'm actually quite glad though that @OpalP25 posted the link on mediocrity as it made me think about it. This chain of thoughts of mine is not logical. Low self esteem can hit you in any situation. If you google celebrities with low self esteem, as I have several times, you get a lot of hits (probably some of them are people's CO's which is an interesting somewhat ironic thought - just goes to show you can hate yourself while someone else thinks you are the best person on earth - who is right?). Hell, in my better days I may even have said things that triggered that thought in others. 

I was actually doing a bit better today before I finally lost my self control and turned off the internet blockers. I had gone an unusually long time without turning them off! I was getting frustrated though that avoiding the internet isn't the end of the story. It doesn't enable me to be productive as it doesn't stop me thinking about her, just looking at her, but even small improvements should be embraced. I do have ideas for where I go next in life. They all seem really seriously full of holes but its better than nothing. 

Related to what you are saying about everyone having different talents - after reading that I couldn't resist once again repeating what is clearly part of my lovely beautiful CO's life philosophy, or at least something she has said more than once in interviews. This isn't an exact quote as I need to not be going back through all her interviews, that's feeding my addiction, but something along the lines of "only you can do what you do". No matter how amazing someone else's work might seem, how incredibly talented they might seem compared to your opinion of your own work, they cannot create exactly what you create and that in itself means your work will always have value. She was also asked in an interview what her tip for success was and she just said no matter what you've done, however small or unfinished, just get it out there! Don't be shy and get it out there, show someone, put it online, most important thing. This attitude has made her one of the most uniquely talented and creative people in show business (hah obviously I would think that!)

Hopefully this should inspire those of you who are creating something @Audrey822 and @ColdFire. Obviously some things you create are probably for your eyes only but if you do get into writing fanfiction which is less private then there are tons of places online to host fanfiction, or any other fiction you might write. I'm trying to be inspired for the game I'm trying to write. I'll put it online even when it's not finished! I just need to get it playable again after breaking it and even that feels impossible when battling my inability to focus! I feel like I'm pushing rocks up the hill so much, a days work and the actual improvement in the game is not even visible! And some of my life plans depend on being able to at least put it online!
 

1 hour ago, Audrey822 said:

That is only your perception.  It's not true.  You are worth more than you realize.  Give yourself a break and take some deep breaths.  Love yourself.  Seriously, love yourself.  Challenge yourself to find even just one good thing about yourself today and embrace it.  (I saw the picture you posted...you have good taste in women.  You could always start there.  Not every man can say that!)


Aww thanks! Out of interest have you seen her beyond those photos?

I actually just looked up your CO's band (partly because of course my youtube front page is completely covered with my CO and  so I need something else on my watching history as youtube suggestions don't help beating my addiction) and have their songs on play now! They really are good! It's not even the type of music I normally listen to but I'm getting quite into it.

Edited by MysteryName
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I also finally got a therapist! Online though mainly because it seemed like the quickest way to get one. I couldn't even face mentioning having a CO though, he'd just see it as a minor but embarrassing detail of the overall pattern of me avoiding doing anything productive. He just told me what I've heard many times - that I'm not a failure because I'm just not trying, I'm giving up and assuming failure before I start and that's why I waste all my time on the net. I won't make progress with this until I convey that even when I avoid the net my mind just doesn't focus, and I can't control my mind no matter what decisions I make.

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@MysteryName I'm so impressed that you like my CO's band!  Thank you!  (remember not to mention his name here though? .)  

Yes, I wrote more of my story, but I can't put it on the public board here.  It's much too personal...it's also much too long!!  

You actually could discuss your CO with your therapist.  But whether or not she's an issue to discuss (in my opinion) depends on a couple of things:  is her presence in your thoughts bothering you in any way?  Has she brought you any pain, or is she a distraction keeping you from living your life?  If the answer to any of those questions is "yes" then you may need to find a way to broach that subject....gently.  I can help you with that if necessary.  I managed to get this out in the open in my second session with my therapist....first time I'd said those words to anyone face to face in (at that time) 47 years.  If I can do that, you can do this too!!    

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Hi, Mila. If you're out there reading this.. Just wanted to let you know that id walk from where I am to where you are if I could know what it feels like to hold you and kiss you at the end of my journey. I've always wanted to hear you say my name! I hope with everything in me that the future holds our moment together. It was meant to happen!

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@Audrey822 That's an interesting story about Michael Jordan. I never knew he tried to play baseball - just goes to show that even the people we see as "extraordinary" are human too, and have strengths and weaknesses like everybody else. I also agree with you that there are lots of people who are unfairly considered "mediocre" by society. I think a lot of the time we all feel that we need to try to live up to society's expectations of us, when we really should be trying to live up to our own expectations and no one else's!

@MysteryName I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you with that article. Whenever we compare ourselves to others, it never makes us feel better. I have an obsessive and overly perfectionist personality, and one of my biggest flaws is constantly making these comparisons. That's a big cause of this fear of mediocrity that I have. I look at people my age or even younger who are Olympic champions, or successful singers/actors and I think "D*mn, I'm just at university like 50% of my peer group..." When what I really should be doing is focusing on improving myself, not using others to make myself feel bad.

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4 hours ago, MysteryName said:


Aww thanks! Out of interest have you seen her beyond those photos?
 

I have now!  I just watched some YouTube videos of her on Conan.  Her personality is just as charming as she looks!  I can see why you're so smitten with her.  You really do have good taste in women! ?

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2 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

@Audrey822 That's an interesting story about Michael Jordan. I never knew he tried to play baseball - just goes to show that even the people we see as "extraordinary" are human too, and have strengths and weaknesses like everybody else. I also agree with you that there are lots of people who are unfairly considered "mediocre" by society. I think a lot of the time we all feel that we need to try to live up to society's expectations of us, when we really should be trying to live up to our own expectations and no one else's!

@MysteryName I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you with that article. Whenever we compare ourselves to others, it never makes us feel better. I have an obsessive and overly perfectionist personality, and one of my biggest flaws is constantly making these comparisons. That's a big cause of this fear of mediocrity that I have. I look at people my age or even younger who are Olympic champions, or successful singers/actors and I think "D*mn, I'm just at university like 50% of my peer group..." When what I really should be doing is focusing on improving myself, not using others to make myself feel bad.

No you didn't upset me! I upset myself - I was just in a stupid mood when I ranted. I should be the one apologizing - it was a good article. When I was a functional, albeit mediocre, member of society I thought the same as you, except it wasn't just successful people - I pretty much came out worse no matter who I compared myself to. Now I just wish I was back where I used to be - mediocre but functional.

At the end of the day I think that the only real difference between regular joes and superstar olympic champions, singers/actors etc. is that they get paid for the thing that makes them special while we don't generally get paid for whatever we do that makes us special. Not a big difference and luck and circumstance plays a part in that.

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4 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

@MysteryName I'm so impressed that you like my CO's band!  Thank you!  (remember not to mention his name here though? .)  

Yes, I wrote more of my story, but I can't put it on the public board here.  It's much too personal...it's also much too long!!  

You actually could discuss your CO with your therapist.  But whether or not she's an issue to discuss (in my opinion) depends on a couple of things:  is her presence in your thoughts bothering you in any way?  Has she brought you any pain, or is she a distraction keeping you from living your life?  If the answer to any of those questions is "yes" then you may need to find a way to broach that subject....gently.  I can help you with that if necessary.  I managed to get this out in the open in my second session with my therapist....first time I'd said those words to anyone face to face in (at that time) 47 years.  If I can do that, you can do this too!!    

Well, right now I am right now completely incapable of living my life. When I finally manage to switch the internet off my mind doesn't function for more than a few minutes at a time before wondering off, making the task of gaining skills and finding a job seem impossible. Generally where it wonders is related to my CO. That is why I am on this board. That combined with the shame and embarrassment I feel at the amount of time I spend thinking about a woman who doesn't know I exist. I also know it would crush me when some inevitable boyfriend news arrives.

On the other hand, if I stopped thinking about my CO I don't know if my concentration would come back. I have the feeling she's just the current place my mind goes and my mind is not going to stick around right now no matter what because I have more fundamental difficulties concentrating. Evidence for this is that it's certainly not always her and I had problems concentrating before she came into my life also, although then I did at least have a job so wasn't in such a bad place and my distractions were less shameful (actual valid topics of interest - skimming through wiki articles on prehistory etc). This is part of the reason I'm reluctant to make the therapy about my CO. My therapist seems more confrontational than previous ones which makes it more difficult although maybe I just need to build a rapport.

And it's ok I actually still don't know his name so no worries :Coopwink:

1 hour ago, Audrey822 said:

I have now!  I just watched some YouTube videos of her on Conan.  Her personality is just as charming as she looks!  I can see why you're so smitten with her.  You really do have good taste in women! ?

:loveya::loveya: Of course I have watched those interviews many times!

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43 minutes ago, MysteryName said:


At the end of the day I think that the only real difference between regular joes and superstar olympic champions, singers/actors etc. is that they get paid for the thing that makes them special while we don't generally get paid for whatever we do that makes us special. Not a big difference and luck and circumstance plays a part in that.

Of course that's true, and there's good reason for that when you think about it.  People pay to watch other people play basketball or perform music.  But nobody would pay to watch even the most excellent teacher educate the next generation.  It doesn't mean the sports superstar or the rock star is more important than the teacher ...it just means the athletes and musicians can fill an 80,000 seat stadium stadium with people who sometimes pay more than $100-$200 a ticket to get in.  That brings in a lot of money. Teachers don't have that luxury.  Naturally, the sports stars and rock stars demand to have a nice slice of the money the gate brings in (because they deserve it, quite frankly...they're the ones people are coming to see, after all!) 

 

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45 minutes ago, MysteryName said:

Well, right now I am right now completely incapable of living my life. When I finally manage to switch the internet off my mind doesn't function for more than a few minutes at a time before wondering off, making the task of gaining skills and finding a job seem impossible. Generally where it wonders is related to my CO. That is why I am on this board. That combined with the shame and embarrassment I feel at the amount of time I spend thinking about a woman who doesn't know I exist. I also know it would crush me when some inevitable boyfriend news arrives.

On the other hand, if I stopped thinking about my CO I don't know if my concentration would come back. I have the feeling she's just the current place my mind goes and my mind is not going to stick around right now no matter what because I have more fundamental difficulties concentrating. Evidence for this is that it's certainly not always her and I had problems concentrating before she came into my life also, although then I did at least have a job so wasn't in such a bad place and my distractions were less shameful (actual valid topics of interest - skimming through wiki articles on prehistory etc). This is part of the reason I'm reluctant to make the therapy about my CO. My therapist seems more confrontational than previous ones which makes it more difficult although maybe I just need to build a rapport.

And it's ok I actually still don't know his name so no worries :Coopwink:

:loveya::loveya: Of course I have watched those interviews many times!

OK, I wanted to have your answers to those questions before going on.  Now that I do, I think you should at least mention that you're having difficulty concentrating to your therapist.  Did you mention that already?  It may not be necessary, as you said, to specifically mention that your mind wanders to thoughts of your CO because that's not true all the time, and it's the lack of focus that seems to be more of an issue than what's distracting you.  What concerns me though is where you said your therapist is a bit confrontational.  I think it's important for you to feel comfortable telling your therapist things...just in case it ever does become necessary for you to confide that you have a CO, for example, you should feel comfortable saying that.  And your therapist -- if you have a good one -- shouldn't judge you for that (mind didn't and still doesn't.) You said you found this therapist online.  If things don't improve soon, do you think you could look for another therapist online who may be less confrontational with you?

Also...you should know by now, there's no reason to feel shame about having a CO (especially as lovely as yours.)  You're here with a whole group of people who are doing the same thing you're doing...I've been doing this for 49+  years, and I'm not ashamed at all.  It's not something I would tell a random person, just because I know they wouldn't understand.  That's their problem, not mine.  I'm not ashamed of the feelings I have for my CO, even if he will never know I exist.  But that's why I'm so glad I found this board because it was so liberating to find people here who (finally) understand.  Wow. 

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@OpalP25 One thing I found interesting about the article was this line:

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What I can come away with is being ambitious is a blessing and a burden. It gives you the drive to go out and pursue even your wildest dreams, but it also makes you your own worst critic.

I feel like it's pretty much a well known fact that super ambitious people are almost always unhappy. Whenever you have that drive to "be someone", it never seems to end well. Either you don't put in the effort (in my case, mostly due to anxiety and lack of confidence), or you do put in the effort but you end up unsatisfied anyway because nothing you do ever seems "good enough" to you. It's only ever the perfectionist types who strive for something more than mediocrity, and the perfectionist types always feel like there's more to be done, more to accomplish etc. It's strangely comforting to think that maybe a "mediocre" life wouldn't be so bad after all. This is me being uncharacteristically optimistic...it won't last :laugh:

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Well, I did something kind of stupid tonight. I played with fire and decided to google something that I knew could potentially land me in bad territory with my CO. I won't even tell you what I did, but I managed to deduce from something I found that a new article was published about my CO a few days ago. I didn't click the link, and I don't know what the article is about, but I'm pretty certain that it's related to his personal life. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I also found out today from an old assistant of his that he's working on some new podcasts. I can feel the OCD coming on strong. After doing so well for nearly two months, I'm now having to really resist the urge to google his name. Plus, now I know that there are going to be podcasts that I won't be able to listen to. I'm just hoping that by typing this out and posting it here, I'll feel more inclined to stay focused and disciplined. 

I miss my CO :cry:

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35 minutes ago, posie_riot said:

Well, I did something kind of stupid tonight. I played with fire and decided to google something that I knew could potentially land me in bad territory with my CO. I won't even tell you what I did, but I managed to deduce from something I found that a new article was published about my CO a few days ago. I didn't click the link, and I don't know what the article is about, but I'm pretty certain that it's related to his personal life. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I also found out today from an old assistant of his that he's working on some new podcasts. I can feel the OCD coming on strong. After doing so well for nearly two months, I'm now having to really resist the urge to google his name. Plus, now I know that there are going to be podcasts that I won't be able to listen to. I'm just hoping that by typing this out and posting it here, I'll feel more inclined to stay focused and disciplined. 

I miss my CO :cry:

You have pictures of him in your computer that you can go to, right?  Indulge yourself in that and -- whatever you do -- resist that urge to Google.  Come here and talk it out as much as you need to (it does help.)  You can PM me if you want, too....anytime.

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Time for me to chime in on these hot topics.

I already shared my maladaptive daydreaming story a while back. It started at 13, due to bullying and physical child abuse. I was lonely and not receiving love or friendship from anyone...which is, sadly, still true today.

I feel my MD has negatively affected my life. I do it all the time, even in public. It's taken over my daily life. I have days when I don't do anything but stay in bed and daydream all day long...well, daydream and try to work on my writing. My living skills suck. I don't clean my place, I don't take care of myself. Just eff everything and leave me alone to daydream my life away.

I feel so alone these days and I'm struggling even more so these past few weeks. I'm lonely, depressed, bored, unmotivated, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm taking my meds, so why do I feel this way? My COs bring me joy, but even that's not enough to get me through the day.

As for feeling mediocre, I also believe I was meant for something better than what I am. I had many dreams as a kid, but once I got diagnosed at 15, all that changed. Now all I want to do is survive the day, even though I no longer have any good reason to live. I hate myself so much, it's not funny. I'm fat, I'm ugly (This is coming from a plus size pageant queen!), I feel it's too late to accomplish anything major in my life, like go back to school and fail miserably.

Steven was supposed to be my ticket to fabulousity. All I wanted was to meet him and thank him for being such an inspiration in my life. I wanted his "kiss my ass" attitude towards life, his positive attitude and his charismatic personality. Though a part of me hopes it's not too late to repair and reclaim what we had, another part of me has settled in to the brutal reality that he MIGHT possibly hate me and want nothing to do with me.

I feel I'm destined to be this miserable, near 400 pound, ugly pile of hopeless woman for the rest of my life and I can't escape this hell known as my mind. My inner critic has a megaphone and is constantly screaming at me for being too fat, being unaccomplished, being atheist, rehashing all of my embarrassing moments, and the list goes on and on, every single day. That's why I escape into my Ashleigh universe all the time. It's my only salvation. I honestly don't know how else to deal with life.

If you read this whole post, thanks for sticking with me through it. I guess I just needed to let off some steam. I'm just frustrated, that's all.

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29 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

You have pictures of him in your computer that you can go to, right?  Indulge yourself in that and -- whatever you do -- resist that urge to Google.  Come here and talk it out as much as you need to (it does help.)  You can PM me if you want, too....anytime.

I can't even look at photos of him anymore :(  It causes me pain. Ridiculous, I know. Thank you for the PM offer. I do feel better after posting here about it. 

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21 minutes ago, posie_riot said:

I can't even look at photos of him anymore :(  It causes me pain. Ridiculous, I know. Thank you for the PM offer. I do feel better after posting here about it. 

It's not ridiculous.  We all have different levels of tolerance and different triggers.  Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling better, but if you need me you know where to find me.  :hugs:

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@fabulousrockstar You are worth so much more than you're giving yourself credit for and you are not alone. It breaks my heart that you feel this way. I wish I had more to say to make you feel better, but I know that there's no "right" thing to say. I hate myself too. But remember that self-hatred is never rational. And it's never too late to accomplish new goals. My aunt never even considered post-secondary education because she thought she was too "dumb" in high school. She ended up going to uni in her thirties and got her bachelor's degree 13 years later, just taking a couple courses at a time. Now she has her Masters degree and a great career. No one who sees her now would ever see her as "unaccomplished", that's for sure. Please, be kind to yourself. 

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Steven was supposed to be my ticket to fabulousity.

I hear you. I can relate to a lot of what you've said, and so can so many others here. I always say that reality sucks. Who in their right mind wouldn't rather live in a dream world? 

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@fabulousrockstar Are you seeing a therapist who can give you professional help through this?  I hope so because the minute I read you're an abuse survivor, I know you must have a lot inside of you that needs to come out...a professional can help you get that out.  That's what's eating you up inside (take it from me.)  As @posie_riot told you, you are worth so much more than you're saying here, but you're feeding yourself negative messages.  You need to learn how not to do that.  Once you turn that around, a lot of other things will start turning around as well.  Trust me.  If you are seeing a therapist, get that into the conversation -- tell  your therapist about these negative messages you tell yourself, and that you need to learn to stop them.  You need to learn to love yourself...that's a huge part of recovering, and you can.  You just need to learn how. 

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@fabulousrockstar I had a colleague who didn't get the career he wanted until he was in his 50s so it's never too late. Right now I'm trying to approach it with the philosophy that if it takes a year or 2 years to get my screwed up life together then it will probably feel permanent as I feel I need a solution NOW, but against the whole span of life it actually isn't that much. You just need to be patient and make small improvements one step at a time. That's what I'll try to do although I know easier said than done. Even if the first steps are entirely internal like finding something you like about yourself.

If you are writing then you are doing something productive. You are accomplishing something. Writing is not easy - I find it so impossible I've pretty much abandoned my travel blog as I just couldn't find the words and it's too late now. If you are managing to do any writing at all then you are above someone who is just daydreaming all day and isn't accomplishing anything. If you have an active imagination, as shown by your daydreams, then you have something which not everyone has, something that can lead to creativity and generally being a more interesting person (even though it causes you pain).

I did read your whole post, and went back to look at your previous posts. Sometimes you sound happier, hope you find that happiness against and just hang in there.

@posie_riot How's the avoiding google going? I'm the last person in the world to talk about discipline but I hope posting here has given you incentive. I feel as though you should come back and report every so often as to how its going as that would be more of an incentive. Do you use web blockers? 2 months is impressive though even if you slipped up more recently!

@Audrey822 I did mention lack of concentration but I don't think I conveyed that just avoiding the web isn't enough. I think this is why I so rarely manage to avoid the web. What's the point? If I avoid it it doesn't make me work.  Nothing will. I'm desperate, this is more than willpower, I need my brain removed and re-aligned but no therapist can do that so I don't know what exactly I want him to do! At the end of the day only I can fix myself - but how?!

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1 hour ago, MysteryName said:

@Audrey822 I did mention lack of concentration but I don't think I conveyed that just avoiding the web isn't enough. I think this is why I so rarely manage to avoid the web. What's the point? If I avoid it it doesn't make me work.  Nothing will. I'm desperate, this is more than willpower, I need my brain removed and re-aligned but no therapist can do that so I don't know what exactly I want him to do! At the end of the day only I can fix myself - but how?!

With the exception of the part where you said you need to have your brain removed, you should say to your therapist exactly what you said here.  You never know what tools and techniques he can teach you until you tell him the whole problem you're having.  Let him help you "fix" yourself...that's why you sought him out in the first place, but tell him the whole problem that's bothering you, OK? ?

Edited by Audrey822
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@MysteryName I've been successful so far. Managed to not google his name last night. I don't use web blockers. I worry that if I make it seem too much like I'm in a web prison, I'll fall off the wagon. At this point I'm not really at risk of indulging in fan blogs, social media accounts and the like. The big problem for me is that I used to have a Google alert set for my CO so that I'd always know when he was in the media, and I've obviously removed that. It drives me nuts to think about articles being published about him that I can't read. It also upsets me greatly that I won't be able to listen to his new podcasts or read his new book that's coming out soon. If seeing him didn't render me completely restless, heartbroken, and unable to function, I'd never have chosen to avoid him like this. I just can't deal with his personal life at all. I fooled myself for a long time by thinking that I could make it easier on myself with constant exposure to him and his personal life, but that didn't work. I'm better off now. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose. 

Every time I get talking about my CO like this, I have to wonder if he has any idea that it's even possible for someone to feel this way about him. I can't even decide if I'm insane or unusually normal. Like, the obsession feels insane, but my reaction to it is...normal. I'm insane, but I know I'm insane. I know I have a problem and I wish I didn't have it. Based on some of the crazy things I've said, I feel like my CO would get the totally wrong impression of me as a person. How would he feel if he knew that such a relatively "normal", everyday person was going through all this because of him? I'm not a true stalker so he has no reason to be freaked out by me. This is my own hell, not his. 

Edited by posie_riot
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