Jump to content

Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


Recommended Posts

57 minutes ago, fabulousrockstar said:

I'll bite. Here's a pic of my CO, Steven. Isn't he gorgeous? He's 52, but he doesn't look it. He just gets sexier with every picture he takes.Steven____Cojo____Cojocaru___Curvy_Girls_0_1208762_ver1.0_640_360.jpg

He's 52??? What are they putting in the water he's drinking?? I want some!! ?

Very nice, Hon! ?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, posie_riot said:

@Miss Pedantic The thought of posting a photo of my current CO is almost enough to induce an anxiety attack in me. "Exposed" is the perfect word. I even had trouble posting the photo I just did of my former CO. 

Yes. It's not just the fact that Google would pick up his name, and I can't do that to him. It's that, too...but exposed. Oh wow, yes. Even though Audrey isn't even close to my real name, I've said enough about myself here that someone who knew me could easily pick out which one of us I am if they were asked to guess. That's enough to keep me quiet where his name is concerned. I have no idea why that's so hard, it just is. A lifelong habit, I guess. Exposed is exactly how I'd feel. ?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, HopelessRomantic2011 said:

I totally understand not wanting to reveal your COs for whatever reason. But at the same time, I like to brag about mine and talk about how great they are, so I'm torn! haha

I do enough of that here without revealing his name ❤️❤️❤️ LOL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi All,

I've been pretty much constantly reading this forum. I just didn't feel I had anything to contribute . It's now almost 4am again but these thoughts are racing through my head and I have to get them out.

Well now it's almost a month now into the absolute decay of MysteryName (seriously don't why I even chose that username. Think it's because some people call themselves anonymous and I chose a synonym). That is now almost an entire month spent 100% on the internet, none of it productive, most of it looking at CO. I'm not even looking after myself any more. My parents are away, I'm not eating properly, my hygiene standards have slipped, my sleeping patterns are completely screwed. I haven't left my house all week. I am rotting from inside. My body, my mind. I imagine something related to my CO and it makes me run around the room like a mad man. I'm going mad, like a caged chicken.

I am beginning to live my ultimate nightmare. The combination of unemployment and living with parents leading to a state of absolute withdrawal from the world that is permanent, that lasts until my parents die at which point, god knows, my brain probably short circuits and I drop dead too. At least I hope so. The ultimate permanent basement dweller. I know thousands of other people live with the unemployment and living with parents combination but for me it means I can't even talk to my friends. People talk about their lives. Things are happening in all my friends lives, big things. How can I even meet up with a regular human who has to time meetups around working when I'm feeling guilty about being free all the time? This life for me will ultimately lead to being completely shut off from the outside world and never leaving my room while making my parents, the only people I see, more and more horrified. And for me this is the ultimate vision of hell. Nothing could be worse. I know that sounds like something a spoiled brat would say. I could be starving on the streets or bed bound. But try to understand my messed up sheltered brat logic which is this: any other trauma is at least a recognised trauma - something that, sadly, the world throws at a lot of people because it's a mean world out there. Whereas the complete shut in status is (instead of something the world throws at you) a reflection of 100% complete failure as a human being, a sign that you just quite simply can't do life, that your mind and personality simply does not work! 

The effect of heading for this hell is this:

The only thing standing between me and the nightmare is my ability to find a job. Once I have a job I can move out from my parents house and begin to bring my life back together again. My own motivation is the only thing standing between me and the chasm. And right now my own discipline is at the point where I can't complete 1 simple task despite having 24 hours 7 days a week in which to do it (I mean how does that even work?!). That is a LOT of pressure on something non functional! Too much pressure. And so the effect of this pressure is panic that leads to my mind running away from my reality and flying off to live in CO land. This means that my discipline gets even lower which means the pressure is on something even less functional which means my mind flies away even further and its a vicious cycle. This is the root of my problems. This is where my CO addiction comes from and why its getting worse and worse.

If I ever do survive this mess I can see silver linings though. Sinking this low will make me appreciate any person I become. I really believe that if I survive I can achieve what I have never achieved before - gaining self confidence. I have despised myself pretty much my entire life. I have never truly been happy. I compared myself to everyone I met and every single time came out worse. But now I look back at who I was and think that that is a person I could live with being. I wish I had appreciated myself. I think back to last year when I was a scientist. I was an awful awful scientist (hence why I'm not anymore), but at least I was scientist for 2 years. That has to count for something. I have a doctorate. True, that isn't very hard especially at a bottom rung (well not quite, but pretty irrelevant) uni. True I got through it by bluffing and talking around the holes that would have rendered my research useless and by having a great advisor but it has to count for at least a little something. I had hobbies. I was never very good at them. But that is better than doing nothing. I lived independently, I cooked and cleaned and managed my finances pretty well (hence while I'm able to travel and be unemployed for a while). I was useless at any adult task except the basics but at least I was an adult of some sort. I didn't think so at the time but having seen life now from the underside I will in future have a more positive attitude.

This little paragraph of sort of positivity doesn't help me now though as unless I sort myself out and somehow get a job it will never happen and instead my ultimate nightmare will. So what can I do?! I think what I have to accept is I can't do this alone for starters. I have booked a careers advise interview. I doubt it will be useful but I just felt like I had to do something and trying to learn new skills from websites wasn't working so it was all I could do. I am completely and utterly incapable of avoiding browsing the internet though. Every single day for a month I tell myself it will be different.  Every single day it hasn't been. I've tried every technique imaginable. I turn off the internet and plan rewards and everything. It just doesn't work. 

Time doesn't seem to work for me anymore. What feels like 1 minute browsing CO related stuff turns out to be an hour. I finally force myself to look at something I'm trying to program or write or at a job advert and 1 minute seems to take an hour. Even if I am forcing myself monumentally not to browse the web and feeling good about succeeding it turns out it was only for 5 minutes. I then get depressed and return to the web. If I avoid the web my mind still doesn't work. I think about CO. I need to solve actual problems but my mind is 100% on CO. I can't focus on the screen, I get up and pace around talking to myself about my CO. I want to get out of the house and exercise but every day I have to know if finally I can avoid the internet at least a little bit first before I leave the house. I fail and then don't leave the house.   

I need to get her out of my head!

As I've said I think the only way to break out of this cycle is by accepting that I have to get help. In addition to the careers interview I absolutely need therapy. And not just talking therapy. I need some technique that is going to get her out of my brain and break me out of this cycle. I know therapists can't remove part of my brain. I have to do it myself. But there has to be something? My last therapist said try CBT but she and her contacts are at the opposite end of the country now. I don't even know how to look for therapists. Finding a good one seems to be everything but they don't even seem reviewed and I don't even know if reviewing therapists makes sense - I'm scared - a bad one could be the final straw. I never found a therapist before. It was always either the uni's student therapy service for 8 years or then a therapist I was referred to by occupational health when I had my meltdown at work.

I guess I'm being treated for addiction, as that's what both my CO and the internet is. But I also have absolutely no idea how to even begin to search for a job and I have such a vast amount of anxiety about this that I think I need careers counselling too. More than a mere careers advice interview provided free by the council can do (which is of course aimed at normal functional sane people).

I'm so stuck. One thing that got me into this depressed cycle was discovering just how vast the number of skills I needed for the jobs I was supposed to be sort of qualified for are. How do I teach myself all this when I can't even tear myself from the internet? I need personal projects! contributions to the open source community, blog posts etc. etc. When nothing interests me how do I compete with techie whizz kids who have been obsessed with all this sort of stuff and doing it since they were 10? How do I even begin to create the same body of work? How do I get a job when my career record so far basically says "f-ed up the last one"? And these are for the sort of jobs I'm supposed to be qualified for! I can't train for something completely different now, what would I even train for? And everything else I'm either overqualified or completely unqualified for. I've been living in the bubble of a rubbish uni for 10 years learning the basic applied bit of the skills without learning the depth I actually need! Every single path seems blocked. Even working at a supermarket would mean turning up as a 30 year old with 10 years of my CV suspiciously absent (as even people with just one degree are considered overqualified for that sort of job - in my case I'd have to remove 10 years of degree + job!)

What can I do?

All I can do is focus on the now I suppose. I need at least some strategy for tomorrow (hell, it IS tomorrow! 5:40 am!) so I at least do something and manage to get out and cycle. I try rewarding myself with viewing my CO but I do that all the time anyway! I'm not disciplined enough to restrict it to one time! I'd really really like to post a photo of her here, as some of you are now doing with your CO's now I notice. It's a ridiculous reward and maybe a stupid mistake but maybe at least thinking that if I stay off the internet for a day and get out for a cycle ride I will post her photo the day after will be enough. Maybe I won't even want to post a photo of her afterwards anyway. I get about it making you feel exposed. But I have to try something. 

I mean it's lost anyway. If she finds this forum she'll know I'm talking about her anyway. Some of you know my CO anyway from the clues I gave when I first arrived. Nothing more to lose except avoiding making it google-able. Lots of guys post to her social media that they find her very attractive and then lots of people respond to them calling them creeps. I have this paranoia that some day, one of the responses to the creeps will be along the lines of "you think this guy is bad! I found some loser online who writes essays every now and then about how empty his life is and how "in love" he is with _____ ". Or that I'll find this forum linked on reddit or something and they'll specifically mention "this basement dwelling loser called MysteryName who is obsessed with _____ _______ is the worst!" and then she'll see it from google alerts or something. What can I do? That's part of the reason I've been on this forum less, but at the end of the day if she sees it she'll know. A photo will make no difference.

I feel as though I really need to see her perform some day. Bring some closure to this mess. Meet her afterwards - they do meet and greets. I know this may seem unwise but I have to. Oh god if she reads this the thought that the ultracreep will one day meet her hiring extra security and tracking my IP to get a restraining order or something. Basically it is of absolute essential importance that when I meet her I'm a functional human being, rather than a comatose slug obsessed with her. If anything that should be an incentive, in case I needed more incentive to escape my hell. I'd need to fly to America (the right city wherever they're performing), and an excuse to fly there because flying across the Atlantic just to see a band perform is not what functional non obsessed people do. Imagine if it didn't even work out!   

Am I the ultra creep though? Am I creep? How do I know? When I was travelling I met lots of girls and none of them seemed repulsed by me. I never hit on any. Sort my life out first - that's the aim. One even hit on me, but that was a little strange and across a cultural divide (local girl not backpacker in an extremely far flung part of the world) and I think it's because I was a white foreigner. But I can't read social cues. How do you indicate that a guy is creeping you out? What sort of guys are creepy? I don't think I'm a creep.

And so next time I'm here I'll post a photo of her and a message to her to try and justify how horrible all this must look to her, just in case, you never know. I feel really guilty about my obsession. I have to get rid of it. I listened to an interview with her recently. over 2 hours and so intimate. It was absolutely exhilarating. Never before had I thought I'd got to know her as much. But I also got a little chill that I'd been actually dehumanizing this extraordinary brilliant and super sweet and likeable woman. She felt like more of an actual person to me than ever before. She is somewhere right now having her own thoughts and to me she was just a vision. Not just physical, true, but still a sort of vision. If that makes sense.

My "relationship" with her (god that word in this context makes me cringe) does seem phonier and more ridiculous now than ever. Jealously has been hitting me hard lately. Every corner I turn I see more and more guys with a crush on her. I spend hours on reddit simultaneously trying to figure out just how many guys crush on her while trying to avoid finding out, if that makes sense. Like we do with our CO's relationships. Skirting round the edges. Looking at "who is your celebrity crush" threads and avoiding "who is your unconventional celebrity crush" threads as I know she is always near the top of the latter. Whenever I'd see her name it'd be like a shot to the heart. Partly jealously but partly also realising that there is nothing emotional and real here. The more guys I see into her the more I feel I've fallen for an idea, everyone says that about celeb crushes don't they? I wanted something special with her, of course that's all fake as I'll never know her personally, but in reality I am just one of the horde of guys who are the right type to always fall for her. The zombie horde. The creep horde. Maybe it could be predicted mathematically - a particular type of weird lonely guy is guaranteed to fall for her - and I've fallen harder than I can cope with.

Sorry, once again, for the ridiculously long post and for not responding to anyone else. When I'm next here, maybe with photo, I'll have another read through everything you've all wrote. I can at least say I'll be here for you on the 6th @Audrey822 . Thanks for reading.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@MysteryName I've just read your post and my heart goes out to you. I don't really know what advice I can give you as I can see the efforts you are making with therapy,  exercise etc. All I can do is urge you to continue.

What I want to say above all though is that you are NOT a creep. I  think a creep would behave obsessively and think that that was OK,  the norm. You are evidently very self aware and know that you have an illness, which is absolutely not your fault.

I know it seems impossible but you have to keep striving. Sometimes people can rise from rock bottom. My brother used to be a high powered lawyer. He lived a flash London life style. But it became evident he was Bi polar. He ended up losing his job, becoming bankrupt. He had to move back in with parents. And for a long time it was hard. But he got treatment,  he kept going, eventually he worked for a mental health charity; he was able to use his own negative experience for something positive. His lifestyle is now very different from previously,  but he is happier. I hope one day you find something that you can or want to do. And if you end up doing a job you are over qualified for -so what? I think we obsessives spend too much time worrying about the rest of the world's reaction. 99.999999999r% of the time the rest of the world is indifferent,  has their own to deal with or doesn't even notice. Social media gives too skewed an image of negative reaction. People write things that they would in no way say in real life.The trollers are the true creeps.

Typing this post is helping me, certainly more than it will help you.That last paragraph has just made me realise a lot of things about how I currently feel. I've just spent an hour and a half in my fantasy world,  having reached the conclusion last night that that was on the wane. So far today I have stayed off Google and YouTube. So as a reward I'm going to go out RIGHT NOW for a bike ride.

Even if I haven't helped you, your post has helped to distract and refocus me , so thank you for that. I might even be brave later and post about my main CO. Bugger exposure : does anyone actually care other than myself?

Good Luck, remember things CAN change.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Last update for at least a week...a lot of emotion today. In the morning, I found out that my favorite team traded for a new QB. It wasn't my celebrity but was a guy that I have liked in the past and I still do like him. I'm excited to see him play and I hope he does good. I was kind of disappointed that my celebrity wasn't signed by my favorite team but I figured that there was still a chance since they are still short a QB. Around noon, an ESPN reporter announced that the new QB was taking my celebrity's number. I was so sad about this that I almost cried. If my celebrity gets signed, then what number will he have? Even if my celebrity doesn't get signed, I still don't want to see someone else wearing his number. Luckily, an hour later the team made an official announcement that the new QB's number will not be my celebrity's number but instead it will be number 8. I thought that was strange because the new QB's number was 7 for every team he's ever been on. For a second there, it made me think they were going to sign my celebrity and they were saving his number for him. I got kind of excited about the possibility. Later in the evening, I found out that the 49ers decided to keep my crush on their roster so he didn't get cut. I am so happy for him! I'm glad that he wasn't cut and I'll be able to see him on the sidelines on Sundays - that's if we get the 49ers games on TV. Even though I was happy for him, I was still hoping that he would be cut and signed by my favorite team or traded to them. I guess he could still be traded to them but I don't think that is going to happen. Tomorrow, teams announce waiver wire pickups so I assume there might be some trading going on. Not sure though.

Funny tweet I saw from my celebrity today. He said that he hasn't seen his daughter in over 2 weeks and she doesn't remember who he is. While that's kind of sad that his own daughter doesn't remember him, I think it's great because it means that he probably hasn't seen his annoying, bossy, stuck-up wife in over 2 weeks as well. I still don't get why he's with her. They have nothing in common and sometimes I think she's just with him for his money. So, yeah, I'm happy when they are apart. :thumbsup:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmmmmm, this morning went "well". During my bike ride I was having my internal conversation with this forum, rather than my CO. I rationalised to myself that this was a step in the right direction,  as I am able to come and articulate on this forum so it is more "real".

Having decided this,  and feeling oh so pleased with myself I then suddenly decided to install Tumblr and follow fansites connected to my CO. REALLY not a good next move, although I enjoyed the validation that others relate to my CO.

Then I spoke to my boyfriend who is in real life having a much worse time than I am. So now I feel bad about myself for my self indulgent feelings.

I'm off to an afternoon party soon where alcohol will be consumed, so I'm now somewhat curious as to what my psyche will decide what the next move is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are all so brave posting the pictures. I like that!

@posie_riot don´t we all love him? I was not even 10 years old when he died, but I will never forget that day...

@HopelessRomantic2011 aawww Bill... I´m always so very proud when I see someone from my country becoming internationally famous. and he is from a beautiful city close to where I live, that will always have a special place in my heart...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nobody cares about me and all I get from my family is someone telling me how to do things like drive a car or move that cat scratching post as someone will trip over it and its dangerous.  well if they watched where they are going then they wouldn't trip over it.    Also,    I feel so invisible with my family on jobs that have to be done.  For over a year now I wanted to redo my bedroom like get new curtains, get a closet organizer and all I've done is paint it.   Now they are redoing the kitchen with new appliances, cabinet door knobs and counter top.      My job has gone to the side lines.   Even my job of finishing the painting in the second bedroom in the basement has gone on hold because my parents who I live with wanted the outdoor window and door frames and garage door to be painted.   I never finish a job.   there's always something else to get done or a new project to do.   I'm fed up with all this.    I have had bad looking curtains in my bedroom for years and nothing has been done.    I pay rent every month to my parents as I"m on disability and some or the money goes to that.     I'm so tired and fed up with all of this.   Even my OC doesn't help me.     I'm so lost and confused. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

This is one of my former COs. I actually think he's hotter now than when I was obsessed with him!

Image result for joe jonas
 
@Miss Pedantic Exposed is definitely the right word for how I'd feel posting a picture of my current CO. I don't feel ready to do that now, but I might do in the future!

Very nice! ?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Miss Pedantic I don't think you should feel bad about having a CO, though I admit to sometimes feeling a bit silly myself for having so many emotions over someone I don't even know. I think this is because the general view of society is that celebrity crushes are trivial, and it's immature to have any sort of meaningful feelings towards a famous person, but people who say that have never experienced a CO! The truth is lots of people do develop genuine feelings for celebrities, and I wish it were taken more seriously. Of course there are others who have to deal with much worse problems than this, but I don't think the way you're feeling is self-indulgent at all.

 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@OpalP25dammit you're right. It's not as though I've ******** anyone. The worst anyone can accuse me of is being a foolish immature 51 year old.

Anyway, I've just got back from a party where I've had an inadvisable amount of drinks. But I had  good time so I feel relaxed.

This is my CO.

I think he is beautiful. 

Hope I feel ok about this when sober.

Telling myself I've done far worse things when drunk.

1472937171951.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Miss Pedantic I hope you feel OK about it too because he's very nice-looking!  All of you posting your COs are very brave.  I re-visited a post yesterday where I had to tell my therapist my COs name; a couple of posts later, I said I thought I deserved a sticker that day in the same way my boys used to get "bravery" stickers when they'd go for vaccinations as kids.  So, for being so brave in posting these pictures of your COs, I'm giving all of you a sticker!! 

well_done_for_being_brave_cute_lion_squa

BTW, you can be sure no one will tell you you're being foolish here....even though you're 51 years old because I have you beat there.  I'm the resident senior of this group at almost 61 (with apologies to any genuine dyslexics out there -- I'm not making light of that, but I tell everyone that I'm going to be dyslexic on my birthday this year, and tell everyone I'm turning 16 instead....it's closer to the way I act, after all. LOL) 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm toying with the idea of showing all of you who my CO is without posting his name, since I've already disclosed the band's name and all.  It would just be a matter of posting a video and telling you he's the guy singing lead in the video.  It's not like the video isn't all over the Internet anyway.  (*takes deep breath*)  

You have no idea what a huge moment this is for me.....

If you look up his name, do not post it.    

 

I need a sticker. 

 

OK....I'm pushing the submit button now in 3....2....

Edited by Tungsten Aromatics
As requested.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, Miss Pedantic said:

@Audrey822 sending you all the stickers in the world. Well done. You too have good taste.

We've gone and done it now.

To our surprise,  the world has not imploded!

We will grow stronger because of this. Xxxxxxxxx

Grow stronger, huh?  People keep telling me that!! LOL  I'm still waiting. 

I love him.  ❤️   I think he's adorable, just like that.  

As far as catching up with you, don't think I'm kidding about that!! I've already started,

??? ????? ??(not that many yet, but the afternoon is young.) 

I'm still shaking!! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, Miss Pedantic said:

@Audrey822. Keep breathing.  All will be well. I'm in a zone right now where I'm enjoying my CO.

I'm under no illusion that I might feel differently tomorrow,  but in the words of Scarlet O'Hara...

Thanks....I know there's no chance I'll feel differently tomorrow!! ❤️ I'm glad you're enjoying your CO too. ?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

Grow stronger, huh?  People keep telling me that!! LOL  I'm still waiting. 

I love him.  ❤️   I think he's adorable, just like that.  

As far as catching up with you, don't think I'm kidding about that!! I've already started,

??? ????? ??(not that many yet, but the afternoon is young.) 

I'm still shaking!! 

You all are hilarious! I ordered a martini at lunch today, but I didn't drink most of it so I am not buzzed enough to reveal my main CO.  :)  However, I WILL post the person who was my CO at the time when I first stumbled upon this thread five years ago:

gil.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...