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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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@Audrey822So glad you are feeling better. You deserve to. @posie_riot I owe you a massive apology. I should not have put a judgmental name on what anyone is feeling - selfish and immature are definitely judgmental. Truth be told, I don't want my CO to be happy with anyone but me, but I tell myself that I am ok with it as a way to get through the day. You are not selfish and I have evidence of this from the posts I have read by you in which you support others and genuinely care about their well being. You are also not immature because, unlike me who lies to herself about feeling happy for my CO's rising fame and new high profile relationship, you are being honest about your feelings. You are voicing them, in a safe and proactive way by using this form. I would say that was pretty damn brave and mature.

So, be patient with me as I get my language use in check. This is the first time I have used anything like this and I am just learning how to voice feelings about myself in a way that is nonjudgmental to others. Don't worry - I'm a quick learner!

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1 hour ago, Lalaland942 said:

@Audrey822So glad you are feeling better. You deserve to. @posie_riot I owe you a massive apology. I should not have put a judgmental name on what anyone is feeling - selfish and immature are definitely judgmental. Truth be told, I don't want my CO to be happy with anyone but me, but I tell myself that I am ok with it as a way to get through the day. You are not selfish and I have evidence of this from the posts I have read by you in which you support others and genuinely care about their well being. You are also not immature because, unlike me who lies to herself about feeling happy for my CO's rising fame and new high profile relationship, you are being honest about your feelings. You are voicing them, in a safe and proactive way by using this form. I would say that was pretty damn brave and mature.

So, be patient with me as I get my language use in check. This is the first time I have used anything like this and I am just learning how to voice feelings about myself in a way that is nonjudgmental to others. Don't worry - I'm a quick learner!

I'll admit that your "selfish and immature" comment made me feel like you were judging me too, even though you weren't talking to me at the time. I often struggle with feeling genuinely happy for my CO, even though I do try, so I felt like you were saying I was "selfish and immature" too, lol! However, I suspected, as you have admitted here, that you were just in denial about your own hidden not-so-happy feelings.

Thank you for apologizing and for admitting the truth of how you feel. I truly respect you for that and I accept your apology, even though it was directed at another person. It takes a lot of courage and maturity to come out and admit where you went wrong on a public forum. So, now that you have been courageous enough to admit your faults and be so honest and forthcoming about it, please don't beat yourself up and feel bad about what you did. It's very human to want to hide less than saintly feelings (even from ourselves) and not even be aware of it on a surface level. When that happens, it's easy to judge others as we try so hard to believe that we would never feel the way we are judging against. I think what you did was all very human and so I think you can be forgiven for being human. :smile:

Edited by Seeker2
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@fabulousrockstar,

Thanks for sharing more of your story with us.

I think he pulled back from you when he realized how you felt about him and it was probably because he didn't want to send you the wrong signals or give you the wrong impression about how he felt. However, cutting you off and blocking you was unfair, in my opinion. Judging from what you said, it doesn't sound like you were stalking him or harassing him, so you didn't deserve to be treated like a stalker just because you told him how you felt. It probably felt to you like he had become a sort of pen pal, since you were having conversations with him. I am sorry that happened to you and I would feel bad too if the same thing happened to me.

Edited by Seeker2
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4 hours ago, urivgirl86 said:

I've been having a lot of sleep related issues. I don't think has to do with anything other than the fact that I am not living the ideal dream life I had thought of as a little girl. I listen to this easy listening station on iHeartRadio and hear this one particular artist whose music used to play on a radio station I remember listening to in the car as a little girl with my parents in the early mid 1990s and it makes me sad and happy at the same time. My life is nothing like I dreamed it would be. I don't look anything like I thought I would but its okay it just makes me into an emotional mess. I've had trouble sleeping all since last week. I would go to sleep but lie awake for hours on end. I don't know what to do anymore. I have to make peace with the idea of who I thought I was going to be and who I am now. I realize now that fame like other things in life has its rewards and drawbacks. I just feel like I'm going through life with no real clear purpose other than one day I will die and spend eternity somewhere. I just feel so lost like never before.

What you are feeling now is grief for a life you wanted and now you feel it's lost to you. It's natural to grieve and there is no time limit on grief. Allow yourself time to heal and sometimes it takes quite a while. It's okay if you aren't over it right away. In the meantime, you will have good days and bad days. That's also okay.

Also, it's not to late to put at least some of your dreams into action. If you have talent and you think you could have a career, why not try some audition, just for fun? It might not lead anywhere, but at least you would feel like you tried. It's not too late to pursue your career dreams. It's not sinful to be an artist. God gave us talents so we can use them to bring joy to other people. Use your God-given gifts for others and if you feel the music industry is too risqué, then go independent and create music that promotes your own values.

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5 hours ago, posie_riot said:

I have a hard time believing (even though it may very well be true) that there is anyone else quite as tortured by him as I am. He does have a lot of over-the-top obsessive fans who do actually seem crazier than me in some ways, but for some reason, these other fans aren't..."possessive" like me. I don't know if that's the right word. Like...I'm actually a little disturbed by how incapable I seem to be of feeling happy for him, or just being happy that he's happy. 

To be totally honest, @Lalaland942 when you said that to not want your CO to be happy or to not respect his right to live his life would be selfish and immature, I was like: "Omg...that's so me." And it's true - I am absolutely acting selfish and immature. I feel like if I really wanted my CO to be happy, his relationship wouldn't bother me as much as it does and I wouldn't be practically praying for a break-up. I do want him to be happy, but only with me. I know this is so wrong though. I almost feel possessed. I feel like I can't really be this morally questionable as a person, but perhaps I am. This is where a lot of my shame comes from. It all comes down to me being an extremely insecure person who needs external validation to feel worthy. I received this validation through my fantasies by believing that my CO could in some way only be truly "happy" with me. To think about him being happy with someone else makes me feel less worthy, not good enough, etc. It's all such nonsense, but it has such a strong hold on me. 

I really went off on a tangent there, but the point was that I do feel like I'm "crazier" than his other obsessive fans, but in a very specific way. He's got fans who are crazier than me in other ways, that's for sure hahaha. But they're crazy in this way::Coopclapping:  :Coopyahoo:  :computer:   :blah:   :gathering:

I'm crazy in this way:  :inlove:   :coffeebreak:   :cold: lol  (there could be more fans like me in hiding though, and I try to take that into consideration)

This, so very much this. My CO has a lot of fans often declaring their love or wish to marry him on social media but none of them seem quite as possessive about him as I feel, although they could just be quietly in the shadows as I am. 

The rational part of me is, "Of course I want him to be happy, why wouldn't I? Why would I want someone I feel so strongly and deeply about to be miserable?" But of course what I mean is I want him to be happy with me and only me. I know this is wrong, I know it's ridiculous

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@posie_riot,

I can assure you that you aren't the only one who feels "possessive" about your CO. Other fans may hide their own "possessiveness" on the public forums, but I am sure that many take it to depths that you wouldn't believe, lol! You don't sound like the worst kind of fan to me. You are self-reflective and you seem to be trying to come to terms with your inner feelings. I think there are many fans much crazier than you who take "possession" to new heights of *crazy* when they are not posting in public. I think you are probably doing a lot better than you think. :smile:

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Thank you @Seeker2 Your words always have a way of touching my heart and please know that you are a blessing to me. Through the past few years I have started listening to my local classical music radio station and it has opened me up to a part of where I live that is much farther but is the main state where I'm from. I realize now that though I may not have anyone or children yet or may not but I can still have a wonderful life.

As I've also learned throughout watching countless hours of a certain entertainment new show every night and one in the morning I no longer have time or the energy to devote an hour to headlines life full of rich people drama and backstabbing that becomes more of a problem by social media than do the real headlines. I no longer feed myself such garbage and would much rather read what is going on in the world by newspapers which have opposing political view points but still it's better than feeding myself celebrity news all the time. 

What I'm saying is: I'm all for others living the life they want but I think that for me personally what worked for me at 10 years old did not make much sense at 20 and seems like a joke at 30 but that's okay. I would much rather live a simpler life far from the hills of Hollywood and the entertainment industry where I currently live than be on top of the world. Yes. I may not have the life that I planned and I may have missed out on a lot of different choices but then again what did I think was going to happen? I would make a name for myself and this certain individual and I would just click and be happily ever after? I did for a very long time even as far as a few years ago but I can't keep blaming myself for something that may have never worked out to begin with because as I've learned different races can come together but it doesn't mean that it won't be a struggle in many cases. I think that through the news headlines as of recent days I've begun to see the light and see how these choices would have effected me and this person and sometimes the risk is greater than the reward and in the long run I think I was just fooling myself to believe this could have actually happened but more than that I see how this would have made things a lot harder and more difficult for everyone involved then again I don't think it would have been something to begin with but I digress.

When I listen to classical music I am inspired by so many things. I've also begun listening to my local NPR station and have begun to understand where others who have opposing ideals come from while maintaining my own morals and values. I guess when you are curious and open yourself up to new things you can achieve anything you want. I am glad that I did not go after fame & fortune. I would much rather have my sanity and salvation than I would a spot on the Hollywood walk of fame but that's just me talking.

Edited by urivgirl86
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@urivgirl86,

Thanks for the kind words. :smile:

I think that if you decided to be a performer, or just listen to classical music at home, it is all good either way. Whichever path makes you happy is the right thing to do. There have been things I have wanted to do in my past, which no longer seem so important to me now, so I can relate to how things change.

Btw, I'm glad you like classical music. I do too, although I'm more into the string quartets and shorter pieces that are based on folk music.

Edited by Seeker2
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@Seeker2 Thank you for your understanding. I genuinely hope that one day I can contact him without any drama, and while I do hope that we meet someday, I had to put him in perspective and realize it probably won't happen. Oh, well. I still remember the chats we had and how he made me feel special.

Well, as I promised, here's more about me and my history with COs. It all started when I was 8 or 9. My first CO was a game show host. I remember trying to get his phone number so I can contact him. My second and third COs were both singers and happened around the same time. My 4th CO was another game show host.

I began my journey into maladaptive dreaming when I was 13. I was being physically abused at home and bullied at school by peers and teachers. I had only acquaintances at school, no friends that I hung out with outside of school. That was when I first made an imaginary husband out of the CO I had at the time, and an imaginary family out of other celebrities I liked at the time. Then my imaginary persona, Ashleigh (who went by Princess Altman at the time), had a life of her own. She was a TV show host/singer at the time. I based her life on soap operas.

My 5th CO, a Power Ranger, came around when I was 13. Soon I killed off my imaginary husband so Ashleigh could be married to this CO in my universe. At this time, I had another CO, another singer, who was her cousin in my universe and she slept with him and got pregnant. The baby died weeks after she was born.

When I was 15, I threatened suicide after failing a class, so they took me to the mental health center where I was first diagnosed as schizophrenic. My life changed when I got out. Soon I didn't really care about anything else, just staying as sane as possible. Over the next year I had to leave my high school for an alternative school which dealt with mentally ill students, yet I still graduated from my high school, a year early.

When I started college in the fall, my CO got really bad. I broke into tears during class once and had to see a counselor, all because my CO was leaving the show he was on. I eventually killed him off in my universe. Then came another Power Ranger CO, who also was eventually killed off for another CO, a WWE wrestler. That CO lasted over a year before I bought my first Power Ranger CO back to life and remarried him to Ashleigh.

About that time, I was rediagnosed as schizoaffective and was suffering from my first bout of severe depression.

That lasted until 2003 when my latest CO was discovered thanks to American Idol, and I immediately had him in a relationship with Ashleigh, who left her husband to be with him. But they broke up in late 2004, months after I discovered Steven and married him to Ashleigh, like Britney Spears' first marriage.

In 2005, my last CO (to date) came in the form of another American Idol singer. He is my second longest CO to date, next to Steven. He and Ashleigh have been married for almost 10 years and she's decided he is it for her.

Also in 2005, I was going through a bout of suicidal depression. I'd lost friends and pageant titles and didn't want to live anymore. But Steven inspired me to stay alive. He was going through his own drama at the time and he was so positive about it. His story made me realize that I had to stay strong and I would come out better than ever. So from then on, my only mission in life was to stay alive so I could meet him and thank him. Which I did in 2010 after another bout of suicidal depression...brought on by him blocking me for the first time.

So that's a not too brief history of me having COs. Brought on by loneliness and trauma, which I'm still dealing with to this day. Thanks for reading this long behind post.

TL;DR: Years of abuse and bullying caused me to create my own persona, Ashleigh who's been married 8 times to various COs and whose life is loosely based on soap operas. I've had COs for most of my life and don't wish to give them up anytime soon.

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11 hours ago, Lalaland942 said:

@Audrey822So glad you are feeling better. You deserve to. @posie_riot I owe you a massive apology. I should not have put a judgmental name on what anyone is feeling - selfish and immature are definitely judgmental. Truth be told, I don't want my CO to be happy with anyone but me, but I tell myself that I am ok with it as a way to get through the day. You are not selfish and I have evidence of this from the posts I have read by you in which you support others and genuinely care about their well being. You are also not immature because, unlike me who lies to herself about feeling happy for my CO's rising fame and new high profile relationship, you are being honest about your feelings. You are voicing them, in a safe and proactive way by using this form. I would say that was pretty damn brave and mature.

So, be patient with me as I get my language use in check. This is the first time I have used anything like this and I am just learning how to voice feelings about myself in a way that is nonjudgmental to others. Don't worry - I'm a quick learner!

Sorry...this is going to be another of my long dissertations. ?

I appreciate the apology, but you know what? I didn't feel judged by those comments (selfish and immature) because I know one didn't apply to me but the other most certainly did! 

I need to talk about the one that does apply first: immature. There's no question, and my therapist even mentioned valid reasons for emotional immaturity due to being subjected long-term to my mother's emotional abuse. My emotions where my CO is concerned (according to my therapist) haven't matured since I first saw him when I was 11 years old. That's not to say I don't think of him in certain different ways now that I'm an adult (I'll spare all of you the details on that ?) but I can't argue with her assessment of the main point: that is, as an 11-year old girl, I allowed myself to become engrossed in that fantasy, as 11-year old children may tend to do with a crush. I've never let go. My alter ego was needed throughout my life, as I have always had issues with self-esteem. I needed to get my confidence from that "woman" I saw myself as in my mind. And it was impossible to think of her without thinking of him, even if he checked out from any and all ways to get information about him for decades at a time, because she was married to him -- I never changed that.  I never stopped loving him just because I couldn't see him or know what he was doing. My alter ego's last name was his last name.  I bought into that fantasy very deeply; I was as heavily invested in it at 58 years old (and even now) as I was at 11. So when I stumbled on that information (see my first post here) in September 2013, I was shocked, hurt, and I felt betrayed. Yes, betrayed. << That's the sign of immaturity right there. My rational mind knew better, even at that moment. But it didn't stop the feeling that he'd CHEATED on my alter ego with someone else. So I don't take offense to a description of "immature" as far as I'm concerned... I have to own that, and it doesn't matter because I know it's not my fault.  

OTOH, I don't think selfish really applies to me, but I don't judge others who may be a bit selfish (depending on how the selfishness manifests itself. Stalking could be a way of manifesting selfishness after all, so obviously I don't condone that!!) Once I learned this information, my rational mind had no choice but to accept it for what it was in this real world. After all, I am married myself and for a very long time...long enough to have raised two children who are now adults. Mine is not the greatest marriage, so I still need this fantasy...let me just throw this out here. That said, I have no problem separating what is real from what is fantasy. I may not want to face what's real at all times, but that's not to say I'm not fully aware of it. I just choose to ignore it...and even as I write this, it can't help but come closer to the surface than I would prefer because I'm speaking about it. 

 

I'm not up for sainthood. I've never said "I just want my CO to be happy!" when I've learned about these things. I'm not that woman.  I've seen thoughts like that expressed here, I acknowledge everyone is different, and I respect that. That's not me. I can never wrap my brain around any other thought besides "I wanted him to be happy with me." That damned "geography and time thing" got in the way of that. By the time I would have been old enough to make that move, I would have learned he was not available. Here's what selfish would look like to me: thinking he shouldn't have ever been with anyone else. Wishing harm on anyone else that he has been with (not just a passing fantasy of maybe grabbing her by the hair and having a "cat fight" over him or something similar LOL... I mean wishing true, violent, physical harm or even death on her. There's no place for that in my world. << Also, irrational, because he doesn't know me.) So, no. I don't think I'm selfish. I recognize that he had a right to live his life as I've lived mine. I just wish we could have lived our lives together, but that can only happen in my dreams. ❤️

Edited by Audrey822
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8 hours ago, perfectcircle77 said:

This, so very much this. My CO has a lot of fans often declaring their love or wish to marry him on social media but none of them seem quite as possessive about him as I feel, although they could just be quietly in the shadows as I am. 

The rational part of me is, "Of course I want him to be happy, why wouldn't I? Why would I want someone I feel so strongly and deeply about to be miserable?" But of course what I mean is I want him to be happy with me and only me. I know this is wrong, I know it's ridiculous

I don't think it's wrong. But, you know...that's coming from someone who's felt the same way for a very, very long time. We love who we love, and so we want what we want. There's nothing ridiculous about that.  I've never understood why anyone feels they have to be happy when someone else is living the life they want (or would have wanted) to live. You don't have to hate, but it's OK to admit your honest, true feelings without worrying about being judged as selfish ( @Lalaland942 I'm not saying this because of the comment you made -- I want to make that clear. ?)  It doesn't mean you love him less because you want him to be happy with you. It's not ridiculous, either.  It makes perfect sense to me. 

Edited by Audrey822
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I've mentioned a couple of times since yesterday that when I made my first post here, I'd gotten several things wrong because I was (no doubt!) nervous when I wrote it.  I had nothing better to do this morning, so if you don't mind, I'm reposting it with corrections in red:

I’m so glad I found this board. It’s good to know that I’m not alone with thoughts like this.

 

OK, here goes.....

 

I’m in my late 50’s, (as of January 2014) married once, to the father of my two grown children. I haven't been officially diagnosed with depression by a psychiatrist, (I have now) but I have been taking anti-depressants for over 10 years, prescribed by my ob-gyn my meds are now prescribed by the psych doc.  I'm college-educated, worked for awhile in sales, and am now retired. The fact that I now have more time on my hands due to being retired is a possible explanation why things have gotten so crazy with my obsession this time. And that's the reason I decided to seek support for this — or just the knowledge that I’m not alone — because I feel pretty stupid and weird about this current situation.

 

In spite of the fact that my husband is a good man, there has not been a very long time in my life when I wasn’t crushing on one celebrity or another. Usually the subjects are people from the music industry or sports figures. I realized recently that the times when I wasn’t crushing on someone were the times when I was most depressed. 

 

What I hadn’t yet figured out about myself yet was the fact that, while this was somewhat true....I did have other crushes, people from the music industry and sports figures...the CO I have been talking about on this board for over 2 years has been so dominant over all of the others...I hadn’t even given thought yet to that one fact that I’ve mentioned so many times here before -- I mentioned it already in a post already this morning.  That while I was constantly daydreaming as my alter ego, even when my CO wasn’t actually IN the DD, he had to be there -- she had his last name! He was there by default...she was married to him!!  That never changed, never. I mention it in the next paragraph, but I don’t think I understood yet the importance of it in this disclosure.  There’s no doubt I was nervous when I  was posting all of this.  I hadn’t disclosed any of this to anyone In (at that time) 47 years.  So much of this was on auto-pilot, as I say to my therapist all the time. These daydreams were almost like breathing to me.  I never thought I’d have to explain them, or analyze how they came about or why.  I never thought about the connection between this and emotional abuse -- I hadn’t even realized yet that I WAS emotionally abused if you can believe that.  That would come about 2 weeks after I’d written this as I kept analyzing.  As I said, with everything on auto-pilot, there were things I just didn’t think about, they were just part of my life.  

 

 

I first started crushing on this one celebrity (he’s not really a celebrity -- I’m not sure what to call him, but compared to others’ COs in this thread, celebrity seems wrong to me. I can only say that 50 years ago he was part of a band that had 5 Top Ten hits and 2 other Top 40 hits on the national music charts, and 3 of the original members of this band still perform together...but I really doubt that many here -- if any --  would know the band much less my CO, and would probably not recognize any of the songs they sang.  So celebrity just seems over the top for him to me) over 45 years ago (!) That’s wrong.  As I said in the red paragraph above, it would have been 47 years ago in 2014. He was a member of a rock band that was popular at the time. I was 12 years old (it was summer of 1967...I would not have had my 12th birthday until the end of that year; I was 11)  and just fell in love with this man…the way he looked, and his beautiful singing voice. I actually created an alter ego in my mind who was old enough to date and, in my mind, my alter-ego eventually married this singer.  (My alter ego was already created before I laid eyes on this singer.  But to the best of my recollection, I may have made some adjustments to her age in order for her to be old enough to date him.)

 

I kept up that daydream for about 3 years before moving on to someone else. (The band continued to put out new recordings for another 5 years...there was no reason for me to discontinue the daydream as long as that was the case!) Since then, I have revisited it at least twice. Once in the early 1980s when I finally saw the group perform live; and it was triggered again just last summer when I found the group’s music available on iTunes. 

 

There were two other incidents I should have mentioned in that post that I probably didn’t think of when I wrote it.  In 1995 the band came back to my city to take part in a free outdoor concert at one of our casinos with a couple of other bands.  Of course, I was there....but my CO was not.  When the band came on stage without him (I now know where he was, but I don’t want to talk about it) I was almost sick because at that time, I didn’t know where he was or why.  I sat there on my blanket during their first song, my mind racing “what could be wrong?  Is he sick?  Is he still alive?  Oh my God.”  Then I knew what I  had to do because I couldn’t take it anymore.  I told my husband I didn’t feel well (because it was true) and I wanted to go home.  Without Internet just yet, I was not able to learn anything about him....it just became one of those things I had to ignore, and go on with things as I chose to believe them. 

 

Another thing I hadn’t thought of when I wrote this...in 1999 we got our first home computer, and one of the first things I did was search for this man’s name because I was still worried about that 1995 concert -- it wasn’t Google; that didn’t exist yet.  I found him on a website; alive and well, and while he looked different because he was older -- I hadn’t seen him in 16 years -- he still looked good at almost 60 years old (my age now, LOL) At that time he wasn’t with that 60’s band I loved anymore, but I was prepared for that, since he wasn’t on that stage in 1995.  He had been performing with a woman who I later learned (in an article I read in 2015) he was living with at the time.  

 

To be honest, I wasn’t shocked to learn that he had been living with her.  Hurt, yes. Always hurt by him about these things...but not shocked.   When I found that website in 1999, I distinctly recall thinking uh-oh....there’s something going on between him and that woman. There was just something about the pictures of the two of them together.  They didn’t mention they had a relationship, and weren’t overtly flaunting it...but my radar where this CO is concerned was activated.  Interestingly, I think I forgot about it.  1999 was a bad year for me, and particularly around the time I would have been doing that search.  We got our computer around the same time my Dad went in the hospital.  I’ve mentioned here before that he was a dialysis patient for 19 years...this was the end of the road for him.  He went in the hospital in early November 1999 and died, ironically on the same day as my CO’s birthday in 1999.  I’m guessing I had too much else on my plate to devote the energy to getting very upset about what I wasn’t even sure I saw on that website.  It’s not like they came right out and acknowledged a relationship, after all...maybe if that had been the case, I might have freaked out, but just seeing him with her -- I could easily just tell myself “nah...it says they’re performing together, and that’s all it is.  Calm down and stop it.  You have too much else to think about right now.”  And that was that until 2013.  

 

 

I’m not sure why, but I don’t think I have ever obsessed over anyone as strongly as I am over this man right now. (Ha!  I don’t think?  There’s no question I’ve never obsessed about anyone as strongly as I have over him!!) It gets me through the day and it feels good most of the time, but it can also hurt. Not only because I know I will never actually meet the subject of my daydreams but also because — I’m almost embarrassed to admit this — I Googled him (of course) and learned that he had been married twice. (That was the problem that stabbed me in the heart, brought me to my knees, made me feel that he’d cheated on my alter ego and betrayed her.)  As ridiculous as that sounds (after all, I am also married!) it felt like a strong kick in the stomach to learn that. I was severely depressed about it, as though he had been cheating on my childhood-to-adult fantasy. I feel silly admitting that, but it still hurts to think about it even though I found this out almost 4 months ago. 

 

On the positive side the Google search turned up the fact that he’s still performing with the group (he went back to the 1960s band about 10 years ago) and he still looks good for a man in his early 70s. Although I prefer to think about him in his younger days. Lately I listen to his music almost constantly. 

 

I’ve read that others here are connected to their COs through social Facebook and Twitter. That’s not really an option for me, and I’m not too sorry about that…the group is on Facebook, but the singer doesn’t have his own page. (I’ve since learned he does have a Facebook page, and that did become a problem for me later on) There’s not really much more to learn about him that wouldn’t hurt me more.(Silly girl!)  In fact, I’ve given up doing searches because I don’t want to learn anymore than I already have about relationships he may have or have had.(LOL -- never underestimate the power of OCD)  I’ve already downloaded all the old pictures I need so no more Googling.(Nah.  I still look for pictures of him...I can never get enough.  I just try very hard to do so in safe places, but even that backfires at times. ?) I’m kinda stuck in the 60’s, but I’m OK with that.

 

Weird, huh?

 

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2 hours ago, Lalaland942 said:

Today is rough - I've just seen his name in this site! Makes me think the universe is telling me this is not the place for me. I can't go on like this. 

If anyone understands what you are feeling, it is us. The best we can do is ride out the rough patches and lean on one another for support.

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@Lalaland942 Thank you for the apology, although you really didn't owe me one! I wasn't offended.

It took me a long time (about three years) to be honest with myself about my feelings. It actually wasn't until two months ago (when I found out my CO's gf is pregnant) that I thought to myself: "I don't think I want [CO's name] to be happy..." and it hit me pretty hard. I don't think I'm totally ready to talk about it on a forum yet, but there are some complicated reasons for this that go beyond just me being jealous of his relationship. I'm freaked out by the fact that I think I actually want things to go poorly for my CO (it comes down to possessiveness and my nurturing instinct < that was hard to admit). Part of it has to do with me not wanting to go through what you're going through right now. My CO is popular, but he's very controversial so some people love him and others hate him. I actually like that a lot of people hate him. It fits in well with my fantasy. I get upset when there's a lot of positivity in his life. When he does something "good" and everyone raves about him...I can feel myself going a bit cuckoo :blush21: . I want him to need me. I'm being so vague right now, but I've suddenly become shy...maybe sometime in the future I'll open up more about this. 

I'm sorry you're having a rough day :(  Was it on this thread that you saw his name, or another thread on this site? I hope you stick around on this site - you sound like you're in a similar place with your CO and your posts have helped me. I hope you can continue to receive help and support here from others - that's what this site is for after all. 

Edited by posie_riot
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18 hours ago, Seeker2 said:

@posie_riot,

I can assure you that you aren't the only one who feels "possessive" about your CO. Other fans may hide their own "possessiveness" on the public forums, but I am sure that many take it to depths that you wouldn't believe, lol! You don't sound like the worst kind of fan to me. You are self-reflective and you seem to be trying to come to terms with your inner feelings. I think there are many fans much crazier than you who take "possession" to new heights of *crazy* when they are not posting in public. I think you are probably doing a lot better than you think. :smile:

Thank you @Seeker2 :smile:  I do get the impression that some of (if not all of) his main "groupies" are lacking some self-awareness. I wonder if some people try to "fake it till they make it" and pretend to be happier than they are in order to hide their true feelings (from others...and also from themselves). I just don't really understand how you can be in love with a celebrity, stalk him and everyone he knows online, defend his every word and move, try to meet him in person whenever possible...and then not be at least a little upset to find out he's taken while you're still single. But who knows. Maybe they're from Mars or something.

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33 minutes ago, posie_riot said:

@Lalaland942 Thank you for the apology, although you really didn't owe me one! I wasn't offended.

It took me a long time (about three years) to be honest with myself about my feelings. It actually wasn't until two months ago (when I found out my CO's gf is pregnant) that I thought to myself: "I don't think I want [CO's name] to be happy..." and it hit me pretty hard. I don't think I'm totally ready to talk about it on a forum yet, but there are some complicated reasons for this that go beyond just me being jealous of his relationship. I'm freaked out by the fact that I think I actually want things to go poorly for my CO (it comes down to possessiveness and my nurturing instinct < that was hard to admit). Part of it has to do with me not wanting to go through what you're going through right now. My CO is popular, but he's very controversial so some people love him and others hate him. I actually like that a lot of people hate him. It fits in well with my fantasy. I get upset when there's a lot of positivity in his life. When he does something "good" and everyone raves about him...I can feel myself going a bit cuckoo :blush21: . I want him to need me. I'm being so vague right now, but I've suddenly become shy...maybe sometime in the future I'll open up more about this. 

I'm sorry you're having a rough day :(  Was it on this thread that you saw his name, or another thread on this site? I hope you stick around on this site - you sound like you're in a similar place with your CO and your posts have helped me. I hope you can continue to receive help and support here from others - that's what this site is for after all. 

You should be amazingly proud of yourself right now. I know I am proud of you. Thank you for inspiring me to remain strong. Today has been rough because he is everywhere! And when I saw his name on this site, I just about cracked wide open. 

God, I so totally get it when you say you want him to need you - you want to be the only one who can satisfy his every need.I have the fantasy with my CO - all of them since I was a kid - that I was the single and solitary person on the planet who understood them. Maybe when he does something good, and the public reaction is positive, you sense that he is starting to belong to other people. It certainly makes me feel further away from my CO when people celebrate him - it reminds me how we are in different spheres. That hurts so badly - makes me face the reality of being ordinary. 

I get the feeling you are making great strides with admitting painful things - that can only be good. Stay strong.:blues:

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3 hours ago, Lalaland942 said:

Today is rough - I've just seen his name in this site! Makes me think the universe is telling me this is not the place for me. I can't go on like this. 

I know that would freak me out, too.  The name of my CO's band was posted here quite coincidentally one day a few months ago...someone posted the lyrics to a song they sang that ironically describes exactly how we all feel here.   I'll never forget coming to this thread and seeing that...yikes!  

I'm sorry for whatever you're going through, and hope you're feeling better soon.  (((hugs)))

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@posie_riot I have a strong nurturing instinct as well, and am also very possessive.  I'm pretty sure the nurturing is due to my personality type (INFJ) ... I don't express it exactly the same way you said though.  For me,  I just like taking care of people -- especially people I love.  And since I love him, that would extend to him if I was lucky enough to have him in my life.  

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56 minutes ago, Lalaland942 said:

You should be amazingly proud of yourself right now. I know I am proud of you. Thank you for inspiring me to remain strong. Today has been rough because he is everywhere! And when I saw his name on this site, I just about cracked wide open. 

God, I so totally get it when you say you want him to need you - you want to be the only one who can satisfy his every need.I have the fantasy with my CO - all of them since I was a kid - that I was the single and solitary person on the planet who understood them. Maybe when he does something good, and the public reaction is positive, you sense that he is starting to belong to other people. It certainly makes me feel further away from my CO when people celebrate him - it reminds me how we are in different spheres. That hurts so badly - makes me face the reality of being ordinary. 

I get the feeling you are making great strides with admitting painful things - that can only be good. Stay strong.:blues:

YES. Yes to all! Of course I'm the only who really gets him, you know? I'm the only one who knows his quirks, can accept his faults, sees through to the depths of his soul... :lookaround:. God forbid anyone else should be able to accept him...then I'd just be some run-of-the-mill, ordinary plain Jane. My self-esteem is coming from this feeling that I could take care of him (emotionally) in a way that no other woman could. To be honest I actually think there's a bit of truth here, only in the sense that my CO is a very misunderstood person and I do think I could offer him a lot....BUT...so could another woman. I'm not special. I still haven't fully accepted that. I feel like obviously his current girlfriend (who's actually his fiancée) is going to be driven insane by him and obviously they're going to break up (or get divorced) because obviously I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS HIM. I'm the only one who could put up with him. I'm the angel goddess saviour who's going to rescue him from a cruel, cruel world. Truth is, if anyone needs saving it's probably me... :closedeyes:  

I think I've hinted at this before, but my CO has a lot of "issues" of his own, which was a huge reason why I was drawn  to him in the first place. 1) He triggered my nurturing instinct. 2) I felt we had a lot in common (we actually do) and I guess I thought maybe we could save each other. I thought we had a connection. 

I say all this, felt all this, while knowing fully well that people can't be saved by other people. We can only save ourselves. I never wanted to "fix" my CO, I just wanted to love him and accept him. Similarly... don't want to be fixed. I want to be loved and accepted. 

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I should've added this to my last post...

I'm also totally sick at the thought that his fiancée might feel the same way I do, minus the part about having a lot in common with him. Especially if she feels that way and there's nothing in it for her. The thought of her wanting to love him, accept him, and understand him makes me restless. If I really loved him, I'd want that for him. I'd be happy that he has someone like her in his life. But instead, I feel worthless. 

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I just wanted to say, I've sat here this morning reading these posts crying because I finally feel that there are people in the world who completely understand how I feel and aren't judging me hideously for it. So thank you, thank you all of you today for making me feel a little bit less alone in the world.

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