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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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6 hours ago, screwygirl said:

The best way to treat the obsession is to treat the root of it. Find out what is causing the obsession. Look at the circumstances happening in your life. Do you feel trapped somehow? Do you have to do something you don't want to do? Is there something in your life making you totally unhappy? Find the root...change the circumstance....your obsession may lighten and finally vanish.

@screwygirl You are so right. I understand the issues surrounding my obsession and even how they relate to my CO in particular, and I am currently working on them. I hope my doing so will result in it finally vanishing. Sad thing is, I am not sure I want it to. I hope you have seen success by addressing the root cause of your CO.

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@Lalaland942 There's no need to be embarrassed about this around here!  We're all in the same boat, and you're no longer alone.  As for revealing our COs some people have, some prefer not to.  You could if you want to...there's no judgment as far as I've been able to tell.  Everyone has always been very accepting and sensitive about others' CO revelations. I just prefer not to because my CO is not a major celebrity and I wouldn't want this thread to turn up in a Google search of his name.

 

 

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3 hours ago, posie_riot said:

I misunderstood the exposure therapy thing - I thought it applied to allowing myself to come across images/stories that I knew I'd come across if I continued to follow him on social media and keep the Google alert. That, to me, sounds as bad as just heading on to an ex's Facebook account. I figure it's better to unfollow and ignore. I thought maybe your therapist just doesn't understand how much this feels like "real love" to us and thinks that we can desensitize ourselves by forcing ourselves into the troubling situation. I know that's a popular technique in therapy for dealing with anxiety. It's like when someone has a phobia of spiders and they're told to look at pictures of spiders in order to eventually get over it. It makes more sense if this exposure therapy is referring to things that have already been seen. I still don't think I fully understand it though because I don't see how making yourself visualize that photo could help you, but then again, it must work for some people. 

The drug comparison was just an analogy and I shouldn't have made it. I almost deleted that part. I was just trying to point out the futility of further exposing yourself to an addiction in an attempt to get over it. I know it's not the same thing. I think I'm feeling bitter today and particularly guarded against any therapeutic techniques. I have days or moments when I think I'm ready to tackle this problem and then other times it's like...forget it, I'm never going to be normal, might as well just let the passage of time bury the wounds as much as possible. I'm down in the dumps right now and I'm just thinking that I might as well ignore him because nothing else is going to help anyway. 

 

Interesting you brought up phobias.  I should have thought of this, I don't know why I didn't. When I said this didn't work for me...well, it didn't as far as all that with my CO was concerned.  But with a phobia I have, that was a different story.  Not long after the experiment in my therapist's office -- in fact, it might have been the following weekend -- I applied that method to overcoming a phobia I have associated with driving.  And boom!  It worked like a charm.  I was just approaching the "trigger spot" trying to decide if this would be the day I could get through it, or if I would have to turn around again.  I was struggling as I always do with the issue when the thought popped in my head to look at it and stop resisting!  The anxiety I normally felt in that situation diminished significantly.  I haven't had problems with "trigger spots" since...although I haven't tried every one (I've gotten through every one I've tried.)

You're right, I don't think my therapist understands how much this feels like "real love."  I know she mustn't because just a few weeks ago she was trying to get me to "let go" a little. (We came to an understanding about that...not going to happen.) Knowing my whole story as she does, and knowing the part my CO plays in it, I believe my therapist just thinks I see him as some kind of knight on a white horse who saved me from all the horrible things going on at home...and so I have him on a pedestal because of that.  I almost can't even type that with a straight face it's so funny....I don't think of him that way at all!  I don't doubt that the fantasy was an escape mechanism, but I don't look at him as a "savior."  LOL     Why is it so hard to believe I just love him? ❤️

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13 hours ago, Lalaland942 said:

I can't tell you how good it is to read some of the things in this forum. My celebrity is getting a lot of attention now and I can only see it growing in the next few months and this has really caused me pain. He is so much more unattainable and I feel so small, insignificant and ugly. I have started writing about it and this has helped, but every supermarket checkout line seems to mock me and the pain hits me so badly. I can't cry about it or talk about it - I am just left with this feeling. I am even hesitant to give details as to why he has been getting more attention these last few weeks because it will probably give away his identity.

I am wondering if I should look up stuff about him and his new found global fame as a way to desensitize myself from it...has anyone had any success with that?

P.s. I also know this is more about me than it is him and what is happening in his life. 

Welcome @Lalaland942 I'm glad to see that it has already given you some comfort. I can completely relate to feelings of insignificance and the embarrassment. I feel like a teenage girl again rather than a mother of a girl not far off the teenage years herself.

Audrey822 and posie_riot have talked about exposure therapy, it's not something I've tried because right now, my CO on the whole makes me happy other than the guilt I feel as if I am somehow betraying my husband. I think if you can avoid actively seeking things out about him, it may help, I don't know. I just know that by looking up my CO online it's like a rabbit hole I've fallen down and have to limit myself doing it because otherwise I would get nothing else done all day.

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11 hours ago, screwygirl said:

The best way to treat the obsession is to treat the root of it. Find out what is causing the obsession. Look at the circumstances happening in your life. Do you feel trapped somehow? Do you have to do something you don't want to do? Is there something in your life making you totally unhappy? Find the root...change the circumstance....your obsession may lighten and finally vanish.

If I look back at previous COs or even non celeb crushes, trapped would be a good description of how I felt a lot of those times. It probably is now but there's nothing I can do about it unless I'm prepared to throw my marriage away, which I'm not. I feel trapped by life, circumstance, and I'm not sure how to make that change right now. I have ended up with the life I wanted when I was a teenager but it's just nowhere near as fun as I thought it would be. Having said that, I still quite enjoy my CO - because he's single and I'm not faced with the knowledge of him with someone else - and I'm not sure I want it to go away as much as I want to feel a bit less out of control with it and a lot less guilty. 

Has anyone found a therapist that really understands this? I think I should start seeing someone because I think I need to address my mental health generally but am not sure I could talk to someone without at least hinting at having a CO and then I worry that they will think badly of me.

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6 hours ago, perfectcircle77 said:

If I look back at previous COs or even non celeb crushes, trapped would be a good description of how I felt a lot of those times. It probably is now but there's nothing I can do about it unless I'm prepared to throw my marriage away, which I'm not. I feel trapped by life, circumstance, and I'm not sure how to make that change right now. I have ended up with the life I wanted when I was a teenager but it's just nowhere near as fun as I thought it would be. Having said that, I still quite enjoy my CO - because he's single and I'm not faced with the knowledge of him with someone else - and I'm not sure I want it to go away as much as I want to feel a bit less out of control with it and a lot less guilty. 

Has anyone found a therapist that really understands this? I think I should start seeing someone because I think I need to address my mental health generally but am not sure I could talk to someone without at least hinting at having a CO and then I worry that they will think badly of me.

I feel that same way - I have been thinking of finding a therapist, but telling them only that I have an obsession that leads to unhealthy behavior and that the very fact of the obsession itself causes me great shame. If you were to start with this initial step - not saying you have a specific CO, or even that your obsession is a person, then you might get to a place in your therapy where you can be more forthcoming about the nature of the obsession and your CO. I think if you develop that relationship of trust with a therapist, you will get to that point were you don't worry that they think badly of you. Does this make sense?

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Keeping busy, but really tempted to google him and his girlfriend. I know it will hurt - please someone remind me that I can get through this. God...identifying the cycle of self loathing, love of someone who has everything I want to be, my infatuation, my impatience with myself for being so pathetic, and back to self loathing...rinse and repeat. 

I know this sounds glib, but I am really desperate. THe black hole is opening up inside my stomach again. I think of future events, emmys, grammys, sag awards, oscars, cmas, vmas - he will be there, at all of them, with her. I don't know if i can do this. Please help. 

Thank you all.

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8 hours ago, perfectcircle77 said:

If I look back at previous COs or even non celeb crushes, trapped would be a good description of how I felt a lot of those times. It probably is now but there's nothing I can do about it unless I'm prepared to throw my marriage away, which I'm not. I feel trapped by life, circumstance, and I'm not sure how to make that change right now. I have ended up with the life I wanted when I was a teenager but it's just nowhere near as fun as I thought it would be. Having said that, I still quite enjoy my CO - because he's single and I'm not faced with the knowledge of him with someone else - and I'm not sure I want it to go away as much as I want to feel a bit less out of control with it and a lot less guilty. 

Has anyone found a therapist that really understands this? I think I should start seeing someone because I think I need to address my mental health generally but am not sure I could talk to someone without at least hinting at having a CO and then I worry that they will think badly of me.

I completely understand. Some of the thoughts I had about my previous COs were a bit scary. A few years ago, I created a forum specifically for people with COs. It's not very active right now, but it is 100% private (as in 'you can't see the forums unless you are a member). If all of us get together and talk about the obsession rather than the celebrity involved, maybe we can help one another. I'll tell you that I feel much better just knowing you all experience some of what I feel.

If you would like to be a part of the forum, give me a PM, and I'll send you a link.

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25 minutes ago, Lalaland942 said:

Keeping busy, but really tempted to google him and his girlfriend. I know it will hurt - please someone remind me that I can get through this. God...identifying the cycle of self loathing, love of someone who has everything I want to be, my infatuation, my impatience with myself for being so pathetic, and back to self loathing...rinse and repeat. 

I know this sounds glib, but I am really desperate. THe black hole is opening up inside my stomach again. I think of future events, emmys, grammys, sag awards, oscars, cmas, vmas - he will be there, at all of them, with her. I don't know if i can do this. Please help. 

Thank you all.

There are a few things that I do when my CO gets really bad. I hope one of them helps.

  1. Write a story about your CO.
  2. Read a book, and picture your CO as the main character.
  3. Try to imagine other ways (rather than romantically) to be a part of your CO's life. (mine is married, so I imagine that I could work for him or be a personal assistant to him)
  4. I don't know if anyone does this, but I used to take my favorite pictures of my CO and make jigsaw puzzles out of them (online).
  5. If you know how, make a tribute video to your CO.
  6. Looking at animated gifs are always fun...or you can make your own.
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It happened again last night.  I'm trying to stay calm.  

 

I'm subscribed to an eBay search for memorabilia of my CO's band.  I had no idea this existed, I had no idea this would happen....I got a notification for a promotional poster that was apparently done, had to be around 1972 I guess when a single was released that my CO wrote.  The poster had the lyrics of the song printed on it with HER on the left hand side of the poster, looking very much in love; posed and dressed to appear very sexy. ??

I fixed it so I won't have to see it again.  

How many things can I keep running from??

I don't hate her.  There's no point in that.  I don't wish bad things on her, there's no point in that either...plus, I'm not that kind of person.  And I could never, ever hate him.  I'm not delusional about any of this.  He didn't know me...and at that time, I was only 15 years old (for God's sake)  The man had a right to live his life.  I just wish I could stop stumbling on this kind of stuff.  

Please don't refer to HER if you respond to this message.  I really need to get back to ignoring.  

Thanks for understanding. 

Edited by Audrey822
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47 minutes ago, Lalaland942 said:

Keeping busy, but really tempted to google him and his girlfriend. I know it will hurt - please someone remind me that I can get through this. God...identifying the cycle of self loathing, love of someone who has everything I want to be, my infatuation, my impatience with myself for being so pathetic, and back to self loathing...rinse and repeat. 

I know this sounds glib, but I am really desperate. THe black hole is opening up inside my stomach again. I think of future events, emmys, grammys, sag awards, oscars, cmas, vmas - he will be there, at all of them, with her. I don't know if i can do this. Please help. 

Thank you all.

Stay strong.  We're here for you.  Stay away from Google...yes, it WILL only hurt.  You don't need that.  I know how some of us here have a tendency to punish ourselves like that for some reason. I do this too.  But it's interesting when you read that someone else is doing it, I stop and wonder WHY??  That person is worth so much more than that!!   (Yes, you!!)  Don't punish yourself like that.  Keep distracting yourself...find some positive affirmations, whether spiritual, musical, whatever....find whatever inspires you, motivates you and stay focused on that.

And post in here as much as you need to talk.  Writing is good therapy. (((((hugs))))))  

 

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On 15/07/2016 at 10:41 PM, screwygirl said:

And I'm back!

Hello, my name is Screwygirl, and it has been 2 and a half years since my last obsession....

Seriously. I have a new obsession. This one is completely different, though. I've never had my CO respond to me over social media....several times. I'm still kind of flying from that. I feel like I am more in control of it, this time. And it inspires me to do healthy things.

I recently learned that celebrities get hundreds and thousands of messages a day. Don't be upset if they never respond to you. Just keep trying, and remember that you have to stand out to get their attention (not in a creepy way, though). But rarely is a celebrity avoiding your attempts to communicate with them.

I have always had obsessions with celebrities my entire life. For me, they come and go. Of course, when they come, it is a pleasurable torment to me. The last one I had was so dark, I felt I would never recover from it...it took a major trauma to snap me out of it.

Anyway, nice to see everyone again...

Welcome back @screwygirl !!

I really enjoyed your words, made me feel better.

So i also have a CO  and im in the situation to want to met them, be their real friends (they are 2) i have been for a while trying to write something nice to send them via social media and/or fan mail. I already sent to both via social media (1, 4 days ago and the other yesterday) and as i knew no answer, i tried to send after they liked or posted anything so to get better chances, but didnt work. 

As you said they receive alot of messages per day, and also the ones i sent werent checked, so its not a big deal.

I may try to send again a message to see if they check, the other option is to send a fanmail, which can take a long time, but they will more likely read it.

Im also thinking to go to their country (erasmus) which could be another way to meet them, and also would be an opportunity to visit the country (still dont know if it will be possible becuse of the brexit :/ ) 

Last days i have been better, (ty pokemon go) but today i dreamed with 1 and i came back to this situation, i should send the fanmail next week.

Btw i am 18 (19) and they are (19 and 20) if you wonder.

Thx alot once more, i have seen some people here with the same problem, but from what you wrote and your desires (contacting them..) i identify me more with your situation.

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1 hour ago, Audrey822 said:

It happened again last night.  I'm trying to stay calm.  

  Hide contents

I'm subscribed to an eBay search for memorabilia of my CO's band.  I had no idea this existed, I had no idea this would happen....I got a notification for a promotional poster that was apparently done, had to be around 1972 I guess when a single was released that my CO wrote.  The poster had the lyrics of the song printed on it with HER on the left hand side of the poster, looking very much in love; posed and dressed to appear very sexy. ??

I fixed it so I won't have to see it again.  

How many things can I keep running from??

I don't hate her.  There's no point in that.  I don't wish bad things on her, there's no point in that either...plus, I'm not that kind of person.  And I could never, ever hate him.  I'm not delusional about any of this.  He didn't know me...and at that time, I was only 15 years old (for God's sake)  The man had a right to live his life.  I just wish I could stop stumbling on this kind of stuff.  

Please don't refer to HER if you respond to this message.  I really need to get back to ignoring.  

Thanks for understanding. 

I'm so sorry you had a bad night. You mention running from this - I know you do love your CO based on what you've written on previous post, so I am wondering what you are running from. You sound so rational and I recognize a lot of me in what you are saying - the fact that you want him to be happy, that you respect his right to live his life. These are things I also feel very strongly about with my CO - to think differently would be selfish and immature which you are clearly not. So what are you/we running from?  A reality without them? That they exist in a world that you are not in? That they are far more important to you than you will ever be to him, that they are on the other side of the velvet rope and we are just one of millions of screaming fans to them? Because if this is the case, then it reconfirms for me that the work we need to do to "get over" this is on ourselves.

However, I fully understand that this is not something you want to "get over." You love him and it sounds like he has brought you happiness over the years. So, what it is you are "running from"? what is it about this poster that triggered this? I ask only because it might help both of us, and anyone else on here. Please understand that this is asked with complete empathy.

Thank you for being here! I needed the reply you sent to my frantic post today. And you will be proud of me to know I have not gone to any google site. Last night I sent my husband to the grocery store so that I did not have to see him/them on magazine covers. Not sure how long I can keep that up though. 

One last thing, based on the things you have written here, and on the compassion you have shown others, and also the length of your commitment to this man - I think if he knew you, he would really like you. Only geography and time got in the way. I hope this helps.:hugs:

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1 hour ago, screwygirl said:

There are a few things that I do when my CO gets really bad. I hope one of them helps.

  1. Write a story about your CO.
  2. Read a book, and picture your CO as the main character.
  3. Try to imagine other ways (rather than romantically) to be a part of your CO's life. (mine is married, so I imagine that I could work for him or be a personal assistant to him)
  4. I don't know if anyone does this, but I used to take my favorite pictures of my CO and make jigsaw puzzles out of them (online).
  5. If you know how, make a tribute video to your CO.
  6. Looking at animated gifs are always fun...or you can make your own.

Thanks for this. Going to try and now I feel I have some tools to do it with.:idea3:

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3 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

It happened again last night.  I'm trying to stay calm.  

  Reveal hidden contents

I'm subscribed to an eBay search for memorabilia of my CO's band.  I had no idea this existed, I had no idea this would happen....I got a notification for a promotional poster that was apparently done, had to be around 1972 I guess when a single was released that my CO wrote.  The poster had the lyrics of the song printed on it with HER on the left hand side of the poster, looking very much in love; posed and dressed to appear very sexy. ??

I fixed it so I won't have to see it again.  

How many things can I keep running from??

I don't hate her.  There's no point in that.  I don't wish bad things on her, there's no point in that either...plus, I'm not that kind of person.  And I could never, ever hate him.  I'm not delusional about any of this.  He didn't know me...and at that time, I was only 15 years old (for God's sake)  The man had a right to live his life.  I just wish I could stop stumbling on this kind of stuff.  

Please don't refer to HER if you respond to this message.  I really need to get back to ignoring.  

Thanks for understanding. 

Sorry you had to go through this stressful situation again. If you need to talk about it, you know how to reach me. ***hugs***

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2 hours ago, Lalaland942 said:

I'm so sorry you had a bad night. You mention running from this - I know you do love your CO based on what you've written on previous post, so I am wondering what you are running from. You sound so rational and I recognize a lot of me in what you are saying - the fact that you want him to be happy, that you respect his right to live his life. These are things I also feel very strongly about with my CO - to think differently would be selfish and immature which you are clearly not. So what are you/we running from?  A reality without them? That they exist in a world that you are not in? That they are far more important to you than you will ever be to him, that they are on the other side of the velvet rope and we are just one of millions of screaming fans to them? Because if this is the case, then it reconfirms for me that the work we need to do to "get over" this is on ourselves.

However, I fully understand that this is not something you want to "get over." You love him and it sounds like he has brought you happiness over the years. So, what it is you are "running from"? what is it about this poster that triggered this? I ask only because it might help both of us, and anyone else on here. Please understand that this is asked with complete empathy.

Thank you for being here! I needed the reply you sent to my frantic post today. And you will be proud of me to know I have not gone to any google site. Last night I sent my husband to the grocery store so that I did not have to see him/them on magazine covers. Not sure how long I can keep that up though. 

One last thing, based on the things you have written here, and on the compassion you have shown others, and also the length of your commitment to this man - I think if he knew you, he would really like you. Only geography and time got in the way. I hope this helps.:hugs:

Thank you for that last paragraph.  That means so much to hear that.  

Maybe "running from" wasn't the best way to put it.   I'm not really "running from" anything.  I don't even know why I said that.  I suppose what I meant was, when I see something like that, I block the source (and I had to do it again for what I saw last night.)  How much do I have to keep blocking?  That's a better way of putting it, I guess.  

If you know my story, if you read stuff about me here (I hope so...I can't go through it all again right now...I'm trying very hard to ignore it) you know that what I was talking about is not happening in the present.  It happened a very long time ago, but it still affects me in a very important way.  

You said you know I want him to be happy.  That's not even an accurate description of how I feel.  I can't say that because, even though I acknowledge that if I absolutely

have to, I'd prefer to ignore it.  So no...I don't think about "wanting  him to be happy" with anyone but me/my alter ego.  Besides, the person in that poster ended her relationship with him decades ago.  But it was a very important relationship -- the one that cut like a knife in my heart and brought me to my knees, ultimately seeking the help I found on this board.  As I said, if you know my story, you know what I'm speaking of.  You could search for my very first post and it would explain everything.  My profile says I joined on January 23 2014...that would be the date of my first post in this thread then.  I remember looking at that first post last year and thinking that I didn't get everything exactly right when I posted it -- I was probably very nervous.  But the important things are correct, if you feel like reading it.  I'm sorry I can't say more here, but I'm trying very hard to heal, and I think my method (ignoring) is working as it usually does.  But thank you so very much for asking about me.  I appreciate your help....I just don't want to talk about details about HER.  Please understand. (((hugs)))

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@Lalaland942 Thank you so much for your kind words - they mean more than you know. I took the plunge and started posting here on this board with the hope that I'd be able to help others going through the same thing. 

Knowing how irrational my feelings are definitely makes them worse. What you said about your CO pitying you really struck a chord with me. I feel like his fans would look down on me, and my CO (being the kind person he is) would feel sorry for me. I don't want pity, and I fear condemnation. Yet, these are the only two ways I can imagine anyone reacting if I told them about this problem. I just want people to understand me and not think I'm totally crazy. 

Edited by posie_riot
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@posie_riot,

I think there are other fans of his who are also obsessed. When someone is famous, there are always people who are obsessed with them, so you are never as alone as you think. In fact, I am quite sure that he has plenty of fans a lot crazier than you. :smile: Also, I'm sure your CO knows that many of his fans are madly in love with him, lol! (But I can see why you fear that people might think you're nuts. WE don't think so, lol!)

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I wanted to let everyone know (especially @Lalaland942 @posie_riotand @Seeker2 )that I'm feeling better.  

 

I forgot to remember (LOL) that I worked all this out already, not to my therapist's liking, nevertheless in a way that worked for me and in a way that has managed to keep me sane since the last time I saw a picture of that woman. As some of you who were here may remember, I decided to work her into my alter ego's story as the ex-gf of my CO who would eventually

lose him to my alter ego...and I was supposed to forever think of her as THE LOSER. That just makes me smile for some reason.  I think I was so stunned to see her again, I just forgot my plan.  (Having to work her into that story meant doing a lot of rearranging that made me a little angry...I eventually went back to the original storyline once I began to feel better, once I began to accept her as THE LOSER.  For the next few days, I might need to revisit my readjusted story until I fully accept that again.)  But I'm already smiling every time I type that.  She's THE LOSER.  ? If you're wondering why I keep putting this under hidden contents...I don't want to even find this in the thread two months from now.  Yes, I'm that sensitive about all this.  You have no idea how much I love this man, and I wish I could have had him for myself.  I don't want to think of him with anyone else, even if I know it had to be that way. Geography and time as you said @Lalaland942 were not my friends. All I can do is love him in my fantasies, and I do.❤️   

Edited by Audrey822
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I've been having a lot of sleep related issues. I don't think has to do with anything other than the fact that I am not living the ideal dream life I had thought of as a little girl. I listen to this easy listening station on iHeartRadio and hear this one particular artist whose music used to play on a radio station I remember listening to in the car as a little girl with my parents in the early mid 1990s and it makes me sad and happy at the same time. My life is nothing like I dreamed it would be. I don't look anything like I thought I would but its okay it just makes me into an emotional mess. I've had trouble sleeping all since last week. I would go to sleep but lie awake for hours on end. I don't know what to do anymore. I have to make peace with the idea of who I thought I was going to be and who I am now. I realize now that fame like other things in life has its rewards and drawbacks. I just feel like I'm going through life with no real clear purpose other than one day I will die and spend eternity somewhere. I just feel so lost like never before.

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On 7/18/2016 at 2:16 AM, NCC said:

You sound similar to me in some ways. The main difference is that I enjoy my CO immensely. That has to do with the different  points in our lives though. You're young still, you have a lot of goals and are just starting out on your adult life. You have a lot to look forward to. Me? I have my career, I've been married. If I never get married again, it won't bother me. I don't have any big goals anymore. Sure, I have dreams like most people do, I just don't dwell on them. 

As for Reina, my CO. I'm consumed by her. All my free time is devoted to her and I love it, I embrace it, she makes me very happy. From what you said it seems like you really enjoy your CO time. But it stresses you out. What you have to do is enjoy your CO, indulge in him.  But do not let it interfere with any goals you have or your social life. Those are important too. Go all out and enjoy your CO. Just come down to earth and do other things too, you can enjoy both. 

@NCC I appreciate your comments. I'm not that young. I'm 36, single and a virgin. (Not by choice, but destined to be alone) and my life has been a waste. I'm a part time plus size pageant queen/writer.

Let me tell you about my CO. His name is Steven. He's not really famous, but leave it to me to be out of the ordinary with my COs. He's a fashion critic/designer. He just turned 52, but he does NOT look his age! He is absolutely gorgeous, and he's hilarious. I hope I didn't say too much about him.

I've been a fan of his since 2004. He's also the CO that keeps getting me into trouble. I first contacted him in 2009 when I found out he had Twitter. He sent me autographed copies of both of his books. Of course, I got carried away and was trying to get in touch with him all the time. He blocked my first Twitter handle that summer.

So in 2010, I got another Twitter handle, but didn't use it too much. But in October 2010, I actually video chatted with him! That was the best moment of my life. For the next few years, I chatted with him via Twitter. He even wished me happy birthday a couple of times. A couple of years ago, I got up the nerve to tell him how I really felt; that he was the reason I was still alive, he got me through severe depression and how much I want to meet him. He told me to stay strong and that I was a beautiful person. After that, he stopped responding to my tweets. In an act of loneliness and desperation, I reached out and asked if we could chat sometime. He blocked me almost immediately on both Twitter and Instagram. So I got new accounts and I stayed silent, just liking his pictures on Instagram. Unfortunately, he must have recognized me...though I don't know how. That was when he called me out on Instagram.

So today I have his Instagram profile bookmarked on my laptop and I only follow his Facebook page. I only check out his Twitter profile every now and then, as I do with his Instagram. I'm satisfied to love him in silence, though I do wish I could make amends with him. I can't stand the possibility that he hates me. I'm so used to rejection by now, but his rejection is the worst. It feels like I've been rejected by God all over again, because he was the closest I was going to get to believing in God. I genuinely love and respect him so much. That's never going to change.

That's all. Just wanted to give a little more background into why my CO is so important to me. More about me personally later.

 

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18 minutes ago, Seeker2 said:

@posie_riot,

I think there are other fans of his who are also obsessed. When someone is famous, there are always people who are obsessed with them, so you are never as alone as you think. In fact, I am quite sure that he has plenty of fans a lot crazier than you. :smile: Also, I'm sure your CO knows that many of his fans are madly in love with him, lol! (But I can see why you fear that people might think you're nuts. WE don't think so, lol!)

I have a hard time believing (even though it may very well be true) that there is anyone else quite as tortured by him as I am. He does have a lot of over-the-top obsessive fans who do actually seem crazier than me in some ways, but for some reason, these other fans aren't..."possessive" like me. I don't know if that's the right word. Like...I'm actually a little disturbed by how incapable I seem to be of feeling happy for him, or just being happy that he's happy. 

To be totally honest, @Lalaland942 when you said that to not want your CO to be happy or to not respect his right to live his life would be selfish and immature, I was like: "Omg...that's so me." And it's true - I am absolutely acting selfish and immature. I feel like if I really wanted my CO to be happy, his relationship wouldn't bother me as much as it does and I wouldn't be practically praying for a break-up. I do want him to be happy, but only with me. I know this is so wrong though. I almost feel possessed. I feel like I can't really be this morally questionable as a person, but perhaps I am. This is where a lot of my shame comes from. It all comes down to me being an extremely insecure person who needs external validation to feel worthy. I received this validation through my fantasies by believing that my CO could in some way only be truly "happy" with me. To think about him being happy with someone else makes me feel less worthy, not good enough, etc. It's all such nonsense, but it has such a strong hold on me. 

I really went off on a tangent there, but the point was that I do feel like I'm "crazier" than his other obsessive fans, but in a very specific way. He's got fans who are crazier than me in other ways, that's for sure hahaha. But they're crazy in this way::Coopclapping:  :Coopyahoo:  :computer:   :blah:   :gathering:

I'm crazy in this way:  :inlove:   :coffeebreak:   :cold: lol  (there could be more fans like me in hiding though, and I try to take that into consideration)

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