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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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@NCC Social media is poison.  All of it. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, anywhere your CO can be seen interacting with other people, or being discussed by other people, is a chance for him/her to break your heart. It takes a lot of discipline because you want the stories, the pictures, and the news, but you have to stay away from it for your sanity.

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Welcome to the board @Meissa. Sorry to hear that your CO has disappointed you... that must really feel awful.

@posie_riot Thinking of the obsession as an illness seems like a good idea. Interestingly enough there's a history of alcoholism on both sides of my family, so I'm probably predisposed to addiction. Because of this I've been careful not to drink too much or take drugs, but I think having a CO is how my addictive personality has manifested itself. I suppose it's like anything - fun in moderation, but dangerous in excess. You are right that the stigma attached to this really needs to end. There needs to be a lot more research done in this area.

I can relate to the discussion about hoping to find identity/purpose through being with a CO. I actually get cross with myself over this, because I tell people that I feel complete being on my own, and I'm happy to prioritise my studies and interests over having a love life. And then in private I dream about being a WAG for crying out loud! The truth is the fact that I've never had a meaningful romantic relationship bothers me a lot, and I'm scared it will never happen. But I consider myself a feminist, and for that reason it annoys me that I get so upset over that.

The topic of other obsessive fans is an interesting one. Similarly to most people's COs here, mine has some obsessive fans, but I don't think their obsession has any kind of negative impact on their lives. The majority of them seem to be women in their 30s or older, so they're probably already in relationships and don't harbour any serious hopes of ending up with him themselves. I'm sure if he got a girlfriend they'd be really pleased for him, whereas I'd be devastated. I'm hoping that I'll have moved on from this obsession before that happens...

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Interesting, @OpalP25 there's some history of alcoholism in my family too. I also have an addictive personality...no question about it.

BTW, I also consider myself a feminist.  I don't think you should be upset for wanting a romantic relationship just because you consider yourself a feminist...it doesn't have to be mutually exclusive.  Hopefully you'll find a man who respects women for having equal intelligence and abilities.  

A lot of the research on "celebrity obsession" gets this wrong. It's usually discussed as a strong desire for the opulent lifestyle, or as an obsession with celebrity gossip, or as if we're all delusional stalkers who become unhinged (not discounting that all of those kinds of obsessions exist, but that's not most of us.) But if you Google "limererence" you'll find some things that sound more like what we experience, but still not exactly. (Credit to @alepa for turning me onto this when I first got here...I've read a lot about it since.) The main difference there, with limererence, usually you know your LO (limerent object.)  What we experience seems like is a hybrid of these two things....limererence, but our "LO" is a celebrity who we've never met. Check that out and see what you think.

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I am all but completely over this and have moved on. I do have moments  where I feel like what if I had gone & my dreams of being a famous singer had come true & what if it had worked out but that's becoming a rare occurrence in my life and when I do think of it I always end up at: What  was I thinking? 

I didn't think I would  ever completely  get over him but I have. As I said it will still bother me but the more I know who I am and understand  who he really is and his life I now know it may have not ever come to fruition.

Just wanted to post an update you  all on myself. Take care everyone!

Edited by urivgirl86
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3 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

Interesting, @OpalP25 there's some history of alcoholism in my family too. I also have an addictive personality...no question about it.

BTW, I also consider myself a feminist.  I don't think you should be upset for wanting a romantic relationship just because you consider yourself a feminist...it doesn't have to be mutually exclusive.  Hopefully you'll find a man who respects women for having equal intelligence and abilities.  

A lot of the research on "celebrity obsession" gets this wrong. It's usually discussed as a strong desire for the opulent lifestyle, or as an obsession with celebrity gossip, or as if we're all delusional stalkers who become unhinged (not discounting that all of those kinds of obsessions exist, but that's not most of us.) But if you Google "limererence" you'll find some things that sound more like what we experience, but still not exactly. (Credit to @alepa for turning me onto this when I first got here...I've read a lot about it since.) The main difference there, with limererence, usually you know your LO (limerent object.)  What we experience seems like is a hybrid of these two things....limererence, but our "LO" is a celebrity who we've never met. Check that out and see what you think.

Everything I've read on this subject pretty much says the same thing. When it comes to celebs it's always about worshiping their lifestyle and fame. And to get over them, think of them as human beings.  Where do the therapists get this hogwash from?  I have a copy of a DSM at home. It's all pretty much one size fits all diagnosis.  What they don't seem to understand, I like Reina because I find her looks and personality desirable. Her being a celeb has nothing to do with it. When I first saw her, I had no clue who she was. She could've been an unknown blogger with a cute face. But no, Reina is a Kawaii model and actress who's popular in Japan because she's incredibly cute. Japanese people love all things cute and she fills that bill. I guess I should've been born a Japanese man. When it comes to attractions I seem to have more in common with the Japanese than Western norms. 

For whatever it's worth, liking someone is normal, it's just how you handle it that can that will determine if it's problematic or not. 

 

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12 minutes ago, urivgirl86 said:

I am all but completely over this and have moved on. I do have moments  where I feel like what if I had gone & my dreams of being a famous singer had come true & what if it had worked out but that's becoming a rare occurrence in my life and when I do think of it I always end up at: What  was I thinking? 

I didn't think I would  ever completely  get over him but I have. As I said it will still bother me but the more I know who I am and understand  who he really is and his life I now know it may have not ever come to fruition.

Just wanted to post an update you  all on myself. Take care everyone!

Good for you. I hope you find what you're looking for in life. 

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Yeah. I'm having one of those sad moments right now but it will pass. I know it will. I just feel like everytime it happens I'm being reminded  of what I chose to not do and as a result  I have  to live with the consequences and it kills me at times. It really hurts  and I feel like I have failed in my life by not going after and seeing what would have happened.

I wake up sometimes at night and my immediate thought is: You have completely screwed up. You have lost your only chance at happiness and fulfillment. You chose nothing. You have to live with this and will be randomly woke up like this as a result for the rest of your life because of your actions.

I know I did the right thing for him & myself it just  hurts in a way I've never known before 

Edited by urivgirl86
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@urivgirl86 I think everyone goes through that, Hon. The "what if" inventories, and regrets about the roads we didn't choose to take. You can continue to dwell on it (I was doing that for awhile, it's no good) or you can take it when it comes, shake it off, and live your life in the present. There's almost nothing I wouldn't do to be your age again and have all that time in front of me (and to know what I know today would be an awesome bonus!) Please take my word for this: you have not screwed up all of your opportunities to make something of your life. I'm twice your age, and my therapist tries to convince me that *I* can still make something of myself. (She gets paid to tell me those things, but when I was your age, I was just finishing college and I had big plans). You may have given up on the dream you once had, but there's so much more; you just need to slow down and give some thought to what you'd like to do now. Trust me, there's something out there just right for you. You're a good person, and I believe good things will happen for you!

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@OpalP25 @Audrey822 There's something to the addiction element. Alcoholism (and obsessive-compulsive behaviour) run in my family as well and while I wouldn't say I have Addictive Personality Disorder, I absolutely exhibit signs of an addictive gene. For this reason I too avoid alcohol and drugs entirely. I have that emptiness inside me and the need to fill it with external things. My CO was that "thing" for me. I don't want to discount my genuine feelings of admiration and love (loosely defined) for him, but I know that the obsessive element is my own problem. No one should be as obsessed and fawning over another human being as I was with him. It's not healthy - not in my case anyway. My life was totally dependent on this fantasy and the loss of it has made me feel hopeless and incomplete.

Audrey822 I admire your ability to ignore what you learned about your CO and continue the fantasy. I might have an easier time with that if I could stop myself from finding out information on social media. If it weren't for the easy availability of info on Twitter and Instagram, I might be in a better place right now. I have seen so many pictures I should never have seen and comments I should never have read. It would take an absurd (for me) amount of discipline to avoid it all entirely. I know exactly which social media accounts to check in order to find out anything there is to know about what's going on in his life (probably about 8-10 accounts in total), and it only takes me about 5 minutes to go through them all. I became a pro at it. My social media "stalking" skills are almost unmatched. I cut back on that significantly after finding out about the pregnancy and now I hardly do it at all. But sometimes the urge to do my "checking" is so strong though, it's like how I imagine it must feel to be a smoker and deny yourself a cigarette. 

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I just did a bit of reading on limerence and I plan to do some more. I have to say, I don't think it really ever occurred to me  that this sort of thing doesn't happen to everyone. Maybe some of you can relate, but any time I've ever been "in love", it's always been obsessive and always with unattainable men. This must be a big reason why I can't seem to develop meaningful feelings for available men in my real life. I have a hard time imagining myself in a comfortable relationship where the feelings are mutual and relatively ordinary. I think I have very high expectations at this point for how I'm supposed to feel in a relationship. Anything less than what I feel for my CO seems disappointing. I only know how to experience obsessive love. I worry that if I ever found a good man in real life I'd have trouble committing to him for fear that an "incredible" guy like my CO might be out there waiting for me. God forbid I should waste my time on anyone who doesn't have the ability to destroy my life! How can I learn to "settle" for someone who doesn't make my heart race and drive me crazy? Ugh, I guess I've got to blame movies and love songs for this...right? 

At this point I would rather be with my CO and have him rip my heart in two than be with someone less interesting. It's like I want to have my heart broken or something. For the record, my CO has a bad reputation with women and this has done nothing to turn me off of him. In fact, it somehow makes me more jealous of his fiancée for her "courage" to take a leap of faith for love. I'd rather make the mistake she's probably making right now than choose a more decent guy and live a boring life. I have totally romanticized the destructive element of this obsession. I'd rather live some kind of wild life of constant yearning and heartache than just settle down normally like almost everyone else does. I'm living a delusion, and frankly, I don't even care. Except at this precise moment I do care and that's why I'm on this thread. 

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14 minutes ago, posie_riot said:

I just did a bit of reading on limerence and I plan to do some more. I have to say, I don't think it really ever occurred to me  that this sort of thing doesn't happen to everyone. Maybe some of you can relate, but any time I've ever been "in love", it's always been obsessive and always with unattainable men. This must be a big reason why I can't seem to develop meaningful feelings for available men in my real life. I have a hard time imagining myself in a comfortable relationship where the feelings are mutual and relatively ordinary. I think I have very high expectations at this point for how I'm supposed to feel in a relationship. Anything less than what I feel for my CO seems disappointing. I only know how to experience obsessive love. I worry that if I ever found a good man in real life I'd have trouble committing to him for fear that an "incredible" guy like my CO might be out there waiting for me. God forbid I should waste my time on anyone who doesn't have the ability to destroy my life! How can I learn to "settle" for someone who doesn't make my heart race and drive me crazy? Ugh, I guess I've got to blame movies and love songs for this...right? 

At this point I would rather be with my CO and have him rip my heart in two than be with someone less interesting. It's like I want to have my heart broken or something. For the record, my CO has a bad reputation with women and this has done nothing to turn me off of him. In fact, it somehow makes me more jealous of his fiancée for her "courage" to take a leap of faith for love. I'd rather make the mistake she's probably making right now than choose a more decent guy and live a boring life. I have totally romanticized the destructive element of this obsession. I'd rather live some kind of wild life of constant yearning and heartache than just settle down normally like almost everyone else does. I'm living a delusion, and frankly, I don't even care. Except at this precise moment I do care and that's why I'm on this thread. 

What you wrote reminded of me many years ago. I had this obsession with a cheerleader back in Highschool. Nobody was good enough. If it wasn't her, I wasn't interested. I even had a chance to date a nice girl, but I didn't because of my obsession. There were a lot of girls I could've dated at this point in my life, because of my obsession, I basically ruined my mid to late teen years. To this day I feel a little anger towards the cheerleader for ruining my life. I know she didn't, it was my own doing, but I still feel this irrational anger towards her. No, I don't like her anymore, that stopped years ago. If I'm looking through an old yearbook, if I see a picture of her, I don't see a girl I used to like. I see a girl who ruined my life. I can't help the way I feel, I just do. 

As for my CO Reina. I feel like I love her. My body gets a shot of the love cocktail everytime I see her. She's my drug of choice. With that said, I would go out with someone of the opportunity arose. Fantasy has its advantages at times, but a real life lover is 1000 times's better when things are going well. A real life lover also can be a 1000 times worse when it goes south.  For example. I was engaged to a young lady who looked liked Clauda from Interview With The Vampire. I was madly in love with her. Then one day she dumped me to go back to her old boyfriend. Within weeks they got married. That was horrible, I drank like a fish, and partied with the wrong crowd. I felt betrayed. As much as an obsession can hurt, this was worse. Because I actually was with this person. I was intimate with her, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Yet she dumped me, that was personal. It was real rejection. Now I'm not saying you can't have pain with a CO. I know I do when I see something about Reina I don't like. It's just easier to control though. And it also helps to know, Reina didn't reject me, she doesn't know I exist. So anything she does has nothing to do with me. 

The other thing which makes life easier for me is the drinking aspect. I don't drink anymore, I haven't for 17 years. I think it's good you don't want to drink, especially since you say you have an addictive personality. And your family has a history of alcoholism.  The one thing I know about drinking it doesn't make the pain go away, it makes it worse. 

I'm sure there's a guy out there who would love to date you. Sure, he won't live up to your CO. But he will be real. He will be there for you. He won't be a fantasy. And the other thing, he will fall in love with you. He will want to be with you. That's better than a fantasy. I've been there, I know. 

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@Audrey822 The funny thing is I think the addictive gene in my family skipped a generation from my grandparents to me. Neither my parents or my sister have any addictions and I'm pretty sure none of them have COs (unless they're really good at hiding it). There's an actor my mum likes a lot, and she watches most of his movies and shows. But he recently got married and had a baby, which my mum was really pleased about. So it's obviously just a healthy interest in a celebrity and not a CO. Sometimes I wish I could be like that!

Looked up some info about limerence. Wow... that describes how I feel perfectly. It's what I've experienced with my real life crushes too. Whether it's with someone you know or not, I don't think it matters... it's the same thing.

@posie_riot I can really relate to a lot of what you've said. I realise now that I've never been able to separate love from obsession, and probably never will. I've always been fixated on the idea of finding "true love" - for me that would be meeting a man who I feel the same way about as I do about my CO, and him returning my feelings. But like you say, the definition of true love might be very different for other people. I used to think (perhaps quite arrogantly) that most people were just satisfied to settle for less than true love, but that I was destined for epic romance (lol).

Although I realise I don't know exactly what goes on in other people's relationships, I don't know any couple in my daily life whose relationship fits into my definition of true love. Even the young ones who have just got together seem more like friends who are fond of each other, rather than wildly and passionately in love. The truth is all of the couples who have relationships I admire are fictional (and an embarrassing number of those couples are from Disney movies)... But perhaps being so crazy about someone your heart could explode is just limerence, and real true love is simply a feeling of comfortable satisfaction in a relationship. Well, if that is the case, I'd choose limerence every day of the week!

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12 hours ago, NCC said:

I'm sure there's a guy out there who would love to date you. Sure, he won't live up to your CO. But he will be real. He will be there for you. He won't be a fantasy. And the other thing, he will fall in love with you. He will want to be with you. That's better than a fantasy. I've been there, I know. 

Thank you for saying that, and I hope it's true for me. If there's a silver lining to this pain I feel over my CO, I hope I'm at least learning a lesson. A similar thing could happen to me in real life too with a man whose feelings aren't equal to mine. Unfortunately I feel like I'd be prone to falling for a guy like that. There's something romantic to me about the guy not really wanting me, and that's definitely something I have to pay attention to. It doesn't happen often but the few times that guys have shown interest in me (stretching all the way back to childhood), I actually get freaked out and want to avoid them. I think this is actually relatively common amongst women and it's probably an extension of the "bad boy" fantasy/wanting to be with men who don't treat you right. For some of us, that seems more like "true love" (as @OpalP25 talked about) than a more comfortable situation. 

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@OpalP25 I don't know any real-life couples that match up to my standards of love either. I love what you said here: 

Quote

I used to think (perhaps quite arrogantly) that most people were just satisfied to settle for less than true love, but that I was destined for epic romance (lol).

That's true for me as well. Funny enough, I actually think the relationship my CO is currently in is more of a friendship than anything else and I've been comforting myself by saying it's not "true love". Meanwhile, even the romances that start out passionate get to that point eventually so what's the difference? He's probably got a better chance at success in this relationship considering he's not "obsessed" with her like I know he has been with other women. 

I will probably respond to this more when I have more time, but OpalP25 everything you said is spot on. 

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Limerence. This is a very interesting aspect of love and obsession. I've read many articles about it since yesterday. It seems to be basically another term of definition in the aspect of love, infatuation ,lust, and want. What I liked about my research is there's a lot about limerence. A lot more than the celebrity worship syndrome sites and so on. I've touched on a lot of these feelings and aspects, but the difference here, is with limerence it's all in one place. Al of of the other things were bits and pieces taken from a lot of different sources. 

The interesting thing it said it's involuntary.  For me it sure was. I fell for Reina instantly. I said in my first post here that my soul cried out when I saw her. And she's been in my head ever since. The article also said intrusive. For me though, that isn't true. I welcome her in my head. She has a home there as long as she wants, or as long as I desire her. Which I hope is forever.  

The article also touched on the cocktail of drugs our bodies secrete when we see or think of your object of desire. It's an intense euphoric feeling, the love drug. It mentioned how people get addicted to it. How it can ruin your life if you let it. In my situation, I enjoy it.   Anytime I look at a picture of Reina I feel intense euphoria.  I can't get enough, I don't get bored of her. I experience a lot of pleasure looking at her. 

Limerence has been defined by one writer as "an involuntary interpersonal state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation from the object of interest".

Now with a CO, the reciprocation can be tricky. I have no delusions Reina will ever reciprocate. At best I could write a note on her Instagram and hope she responds, but I do not do the social network thing. I have my reasons. Concerning Reina, almost anything would turn to pain if I participated or tried to contact her, so I don't. Maybe in the future, I will be drawn into it, because of this uncontrollable desire to contact her. It won't be today though. I even thought about taking a trip to Japan to meet her at a fan meet and greet. Thinking seriously about I can feel myself become a nervous wreck. I could just see myself, just barely eeking out a hello. If I did that, I would want to punch myself in the face after the fact. It would be an expensive trip just to act like a dork in front of her, I would be mortified.  I'm not ready for that trip. 

"It has been described as being "an involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object (LO) involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair," 

Well, this is pretty much true. I've felt all this except the intrusive part. I want her in my head. 

"the state of limerence is the conscious experience of sexual incentive motivation" during attachment formation, "a kind of subjective experience of sexual incentive motivation"[5] during the "intensive ... pair-forming stage"[6] of human affectionate bonding. "

I've touched on this before.  I do believe it's because we want a mate to procreate with.  It's nature. With Reina of course I desire  sex.  But I want more. I want to be her companion. I want a family with her. I want to do everyday things with her.  I want to see the real Reina. I want to be with her when she has no makeup on and her hair is messy. I want to take care of her when she's sick. I want to do things for her because I care. With limerence though, I would have to be careful not the smother her. That is a very important aspect one must be aware of. Even just with something like the social network, you can't smother your object of desire. They probably will block you and you will feel horrible. 

Tennov suggests that feelings of limerence can be intensified through adversity, obstacles, or distance"

 I guess for me this true. Reina lives in Japan. So that is an obstacle and is a great distance. (I live in the US). I do get very intense feelings for Reina so this rings true.  I have this longing and desire for her and she's so far away. Do I feel this way because she lives across the ocean?   I really don't know.  All i know is I like cute women and she's the cutest lady I've ever seen.  I also feel that weird connection with her. I feel we were meant to be together, but circumstances and being born in the wrong body and time eliminates any hope. She's my precious misplaced soul mate. 

"All events, associations, stimuli, and experiences return thoughts to the limerent object with unnerving consistency, while conversely the constant thoughts about the limerent object define all other experiences"

This is true. My life is pretty much all Reina, right now. I think of her all the time. Reina defines me. I can live with that. I feel like I'm in love with Reina, or maybe I should say, i'm in limerence with her.  That just doesn't sound as good. 

At their most severe, intrusive limerent thoughts can occupy an individual's waking hours completely, resulting—like severe addiction—in significant or complete disruption of the limerent's normal interests and activities, including work and family. For serial limerents, this can result in debilitating, lifelong underachievement in school, work, and family life

This is interesting. Reina does do this to me to an extent. For example. I had a week off of work. I had plans to visit my parents.  In my mind, I tried to think of a reason not to go. All I wanted to do was get lost in Reina for the whole week. A weeks worth of Reina time would be ecstasy. I longed for that. Ultimately, I forced myself to visit my parents. I can't neglect family over this obsession. I also thought of calling  work and say I was sick to have a day of Reina time. Can't do that, I need to pay my bills. Without money, means no Internet of ink for printing. So that would mean, no more Reina. So off to work I go. I need money to feed my addiction. Especially considering I spent $1800.00 on 3 pictures of her. 

There's so much to write on this subject. I think it's an interesting topic. 

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38 minutes ago, OpalP25 said:

So it turns out that I'm going to see my CO tomorrow (in real life)... I am really not prepared for this!!!

I will hopefully be able to post about it either tomorrow evening or Tuesday!

Good luck. If you get a chance to say anything to him, be confident. If not, enjoy the show. 

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@posie_riot You can stop finding out information on social media. You just have to discipline yourself with zero tolerance. I said my CO isn't as famous as the ones most of you have, but that just means unwanted information isn't as likely to come to me unless I go digging for it. Negative information about him is just a few keystrokes away, and there was a time when I had difficulty fighting that urge... I was frequently stumbling across things that were breaking my heart. I have OCD bad; it's a constant struggle about everything .... I think that's the curse of an addictive personality.  It's really hard to fight an urge for something, especially when there might be a reward (picture of him, story, etc.) The other side of that is, there could be a price to pay for it, too....usually, the small gain was never worth the price.  

My therapist suggested something I didn't put into practice right away, but once I did, it helped tremendously. My CO only has a FB page, no Twitter or Instagram that I know of, but Google searches were also a problem for me. When I'd get the urge to put his name in the search bar, I'd go distract myself with something until the urge passed....she told me not to go back to the computer for AT LEAST 30 minutes; longer if necessary.  There was an episode that was my "last straw" that occurred in February 2015 that made me decide to give this a try.  17 months later, I still haven't gone on searches (unfortunately, that didn't completely solve the problem...a few things surfaced in the past 4-5 months in places that were supposed to be totally "safe"...one was quite devastating, probably the most devastating episode of all.  But the point is, I'm cured of searching...and I think it's true to say it's probably reduced the chances of stumbling on unwanted information.) 

Bottom line: my advice is, get away from the computer when you get that urge to check on him, stay away for at least 30 minutes, and use that time to read or watch something on TV -- anything that will keep your mind occupied. Keep doing that until the habit is broken.  Good luck!

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@OpalP25 First, I want to wish you the best of luck when you see your CO tomorrow! Can't wait to hear how things went...I will have my fingers crossed for you! (I wonder if @decado went to her concert yet? I think that should have happened by now.  I hope that went well.)

I agree with you about limererence. It sounds exactly like me, except for the fact that I don't know my CO/LO; that's why the subject intrigued me so much. I also agree with you that it shouldn't matter whether we know them it not.  But that's another area of psychology not well-researched (in my opinion)...the term itself has only been around since 1979 when Dorothy Tennov wrote a book on the subject (a really good read for anyone in this thread, BTW.) She's the psychologist who coined the term "limerence."  Constantly looking for answers and support for this, I found a few limerence support groups online. I signed up and asked that question: "is it necessary to actually know your LO for your feelings to qualify as 'limererence?'" Most of the respondents said, "yes." Maybe that's just because it's the only experience they know...but I beg to differ. I think we're evidence of that...all of us.  I've read their stories; we sound just like them, only our LOs aren't co-workers or other people in our daily lives. They have the same effect on us though. The exact same effect.

 

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1 hour ago, NCC said:

Limerence. This is a very interesting aspect of love and obsession. I've read many articles about it since yesterday. It seems to be basically another term of definition in the aspect of love, infatuation ,lust, and want. What I liked about my research is there's a lot about limerence. A lot more than the celebrity worship syndrome sites and so on. I've touched on a lot of these feelings and aspects, but the difference here, is with limerence it's all in one place. Al of of the other things were bits and pieces taken from a lot of different sources. 

The interesting thing it said it's involuntary.  For me it sure was. I fell for Reina instantly. I said in my first post here that my soul cried out when I saw her. And she's been in my head ever since. The article also said intrusive. For me though, that isn't true. I welcome her in my head. She has a home there as long as she wants, or as long as I desire her. Which I hope is forever.  

The article also touched on the cocktail of drugs our bodies secrete when we see or think of your object of desire. It's an intense euphoric feeling, the love drug. It mentioned how people get addicted to it. How it can ruin your life if you let it. In my situation, I enjoy it.   Anytime I look at a picture of Reina I feel intense euphoria.  I can't get enough, I don't get bored of her. I experience a lot of pleasure looking at her. 

Limerence has been defined by one writer as "an involuntary interpersonal state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation from the object of interest".

Now with a CO, the reciprocation can be tricky. I have no delusions Reina will ever reciprocate. At best I could write a note on her Instagram and hope she responds, but I do not do the social network thing. I have my reasons. Concerning Reina, almost anything would turn to pain if I participated or tried to contact her, so I don't. Maybe in the future, I will be drawn into it, because of this uncontrollable desire to contact her. It won't be today though. I even thought about taking a trip to Japan to meet her at a fan meet and greet. Thinking seriously about I can feel myself become a nervous wreck. I could just see myself, just barely eeking out a hello. If I did that, I would want to punch myself in the face after the fact. It would be an expensive trip just to act like a dork in front of her, I would be mortified.  I'm not ready for that trip. 

"It has been described as being "an involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object (LO) involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair," 

Well, this is pretty much true. I've felt all this except the intrusive part. I want her in my head. 

"the state of limerence is the conscious experience of sexual incentive motivation" during attachment formation, "a kind of subjective experience of sexual incentive motivation"[5] during the "intensive ... pair-forming stage"[6] of human affectionate bonding. "

I've touched on this before.  I do believe it's because we want a mate to procreate with.  It's nature. With Reina of course I desire  sex.  But I want more. I want to be her companion. I want a family with her. I want to do everyday things with her.  I want to see the real Reina. I want to be with her when she has no makeup on and her hair is messy. I want to take care of her when she's sick. I want to do things for her because I care. With limerence though, I would have to be careful not the smother her. That is a very important aspect one must be aware of. Even just with something like the social network, you can't smother your object of desire. They probably will block you and you will feel horrible. 

Tennov suggests that feelings of limerence can be intensified through adversity, obstacles, or distance"

 I guess for me this true. Reina lives in Japan. So that is an obstacle and is a great distance. (I live in the US). I do get very intense feelings for Reina so this rings true.  I have this longing and desire for her and she's so far away. Do I feel this way because she lives across the ocean?   I really don't know.  All i know is I like cute women and she's the cutest lady I've ever seen.  I also feel that weird connection with her. I feel we were meant to be together, but circumstances and being born in the wrong body and time eliminates any hope. She's my precious misplaced soul mate. 

"All events, associations, stimuli, and experiences return thoughts to the limerent object with unnerving consistency, while conversely the constant thoughts about the limerent object define all other experiences"

This is true. My life is pretty much all Reina, right now. I think of her all the time. Reina defines me. I can live with that. I feel like I'm in love with Reina, or maybe I should say, i'm in limerence with her.  That just doesn't sound as good. 

At their most severe, intrusive limerent thoughts can occupy an individual's waking hours completely, resulting—like severe addiction—in significant or complete disruption of the limerent's normal interests and activities, including work and family. For serial limerents, this can result in debilitating, lifelong underachievement in school, work, and family life

This is interesting. Reina does do this to me to an extent. For example. I had a week off of work. I had plans to visit my parents.  In my mind, I tried to think of a reason not to go. All I wanted to do was get lost in Reina for the whole week. A weeks worth of Reina time would be ecstasy. I longed for that. Ultimately, I forced myself to visit my parents. I can't neglect family over this obsession. I also thought of calling  work and say I was sick to have a day of Reina time. Can't do that, I need to pay my bills. Without money, means no Internet of ink for printing. So that would mean, no more Reina. So off to work I go. I need money to feed my addiction. Especially considering I spent $1800.00 on 3 pictures of her. 

There's so much to write on this subject. I think it's an interesting topic. 

How many times have I told you, we're in the same boat? LOL 

I was 11 years old when I first saw my CO, and had the same reaction you had when you saw Reina. Thoughts about him have never been the textbook definition of "intrusive" (even if my therapist calls them "intrusive thoughts") but definitely "obsessive." And for some reason, in spite of going long periods when I didn't know where he was, what he was up to -- long before there was Internet, there were no more magazine updates, no new recordings. But I refused to give my alter ego any other name but his; she was still married to him, and he stayed in my thoughts even with nothing new to fuel the fantasy. I really had to use my imagination, because I had no idea what he'd look like 10 years after the last time I'd seen him. But then I did. And when he was back, he was back (for awhile, and then gone for another 15 years)...but every time it was like like he was never gone, because really, he never was....he was in my heart all along.  

Consider this: when I was as young as 12 years old, I married my alter ego to this man in my fantasies. My alter ego...well, she's an idealized version of me. She's what I envisioned for myself when I was 12. (Get the picture? I'm basically saying I've seen myself as married to him all this time. I'm sure that hasn't gone over anyone's head.)  If I held on so tightly (figuratively speaking) to this man -- I didn't realize that would be the case at the time, but here we are, 49 years later -- is it any wonder my real marriage couldn't live up to what was going on in my head? At 12, it may have only been a fairy tale romance, but it's matured as I have...no real love story could live up to this. So what? I keep telling my therapist, I'd rather have that perfect romantic-turned-sexy love story going on in my head...if I gave it up now, I'd have nothing.  I'm not stupid.

Edited by Audrey822
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@Audrey822 That possibility for reward is really a curse for me. I was just thinking about that today, actually. I breathe a sigh of relief anytime I don't see my CO and his fiancée together so I often go searching in hopes that I won't find anything. To me, this is some kind of positive reinforcement. It's as if my brain thinks that if they weren't seen together today or if people aren't talking about them, then maybe they're going to break up...? Makes no sense. I routinely grasp at straws. I feel comforted when I see photos of my CO alone, as if him being alone means anything. Maybe he and his lady got in a fight and that's why he's alone? This is the path my thoughts routinely travel on. I don't think I'll be convinced of their love story until I see the wedding photos and even then I'll be thinkingHmm I don't think that's happiness in his eyes. Surely a divorce is approaching. What's the best thing I can come across on social media? Answer: a photo of him looking sad and alone. That's perfection to me. Sometimes I get carried away hoping to see something like that but it's never worth the potential price of seeing what I don't want to see. I've been pretty good so far with fighting the urge to seek out information but it's a constant battle. It's taking me way longer than usual to read the book I'm currently reading for fun because I think of him and his fiancée in between every line. I guess these classify as intrusive thoughts. I think it's safe to say I have intrusive thoughts about them all day long, particularly while in bed at night trying to sleep. 

I also stupidly have a Google alert set for him so I receive e-mails sometimes twice a day telling me what's in the news. I know I should remove it, but I'm scared of not knowing anything about what's going on with him. What's really sad about this is that I genuinely enjoy his work and I feel like I can no longer appreciate it the way normal people can because of this obsession. I have to stop enjoying him for his career because his personal life is hurting me emotionally. He mentioned wanting to start up a podcast soon and I know I won't be able to listen to it because he'll talk about her and the child on it. He's writing a book right now that I know I won't be able to read (another autobiography). I don't want to reveal too much about who he is and what he does, but my CO has always been very open about his personal life and that's been a big component of his career. @OpalP25 I wish I could, like your mother, be a fan of my CO without the obsession ruining it all. I wish so badly I could just be happy for him right now but for me it's like the world is ending. I have to give him up entirely because there's no way for me to enjoy him in a healthy way. He's got other fans who know his every move and search out information about him every day and yet they're totally fine because there's no pain involved for them. It's an obsession for them too, but not a destructive one. It's like I have no choice but to stop being a fan of his altogether because I can't handle it. It's like being forced to give up alcohol entirely when you realize you can't drink responsibly like everyone else. 

Edited by posie_riot
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On 6/26/2016 at 5:45 PM, NCC said:

fabulousrockstar

I guess you have to do what's best for you. What brought you to your decision to cut back on your CO? You say you enjoy him and now you find life boring without indulging in him. 

 

For me personally I'm at the stage in my obsession where I feel the need to indulge myself. I enjoy it immensely.  For example, yesterday I spent about 14 hours on the computer, most of it was looking for more pictures of Reina, my obsession. And I found some good ones. :Party_fest30: There's a modeling company who she works for that has a website. About 3 times a week more pictures of her get released. And I found more videos of her which I spent time grabbing captures. Labor of love I guess. I get the point of cutting down, if you feel the obsession gets in the way of doing things, then by all means cut back. For me, it's what I want to do at the moment. 

Hi there, NCC. Thanks for responding to me.

What happened in my case was my CO had gotten sick of me, in a sense. He's blocked me on several Twitter and Instagram accounts. The last straw came when he blocked me on one of my Instagram accounts I'd created just for following him. All I was doing was liking his pics. I'd learned not to comment on them a while back. He called me out on Instagram, but being blocked, I couldn't read the message he had left for me. He then called me out in a post on Twitter/Instagram basically saying, "You can create all the accounts you want, but you're being monitored."

So me scaling back is, in a sense, one that I had to force myself to do. I was scared by all the possibilities of what could happen if I continued my stalking, because that's what it had turned into by that point. I was pretty far gone. My CO, in a way, saved my life. I was going through severe depression in 2004-5, and he was going through 2 kidney transplants. His story of survival kept me going. I wanted to meet him and thank him in person for saving my life.

But now, I can't do that. I don't think he even likes me anymore and that thought SUCKS. I know I'm pretty pessimistic about a lot of things, but this one hurts me to the core. I've never been good with rejection, though I'm pretty used to it by now. But his rejection made me feel like I've been rejected by God all over again. He was the closest I'd get to a religious experience. Now...I just miss him. I still enjoy seeing new posts from him on FB and Instagram (I don't have to be logged in to see his Instagram profile, lucky me.), but it's taken on a whole different tone. I wish I could contact him one more time and apologize to him and explain my story. But I know if I tried to contact him, it would lead to some trouble I really can't afford to be involved with...and that's the last thing I want, for him or for me.

So here I am now. I have to love him from an emotional distance. The worship level has dropped dramatically and now I have nothing which truly brings me the same type of joy like he once did. He was my reason for living, with the hope that I would meet him one day. He was someone I genuinely cared for and respected with all my heart. But now it's just another sad story in the world of COs.

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Hi everyone, hope your all doing well. I have been reading the post via email and keeping up to date with you all. Hi to all the new members.

i just wanted to stop by and say good luck to @OpalP25 hope you enjoy seeing your CO today, hope it goes really well.

@Audrey822 Thank you for asking after me, that meant a lot so thank you?

The shows were three weeks ago yesterday already! I wanted to post sooner, but reading the posts I didn't fell it was the right time to chirp in. To be honest the shows went very well indeed. But I've been doing the same thing I did after the Manchester show in 2014. Thinking have I imagined everything? Was he shooting me hate vibes the whole time? I've been looking through the professional photos taken at both shows, looking for some evidence to this. I've been driving myself mad with it. All the time knowing the reality was it did go well. ?

The first show was at Download Festival and it was an amazing day! It rained from the minute we entered the arena and didn't stop all day. Everyone was covered in mud, but having a great time. I got to see bands I've never heard of before. My daughter came with me and her favourite band was on two before my COs band. We were lucky to got to the  barrier and we made friends with a mum and her two daughters and a young couple so we managed to get even further in the crowd and got almost in front of my CO. When he came on I was so excited and scared that he would see me, but It was too late I couldn't move anywhere. He kept coming over to our side of the stage. My daughter gave him a shy little wave and he gave her the biggest smile. (He was playing guitar at the time) She almost cried. He was so good with the kids. The mum and the girls we were with shouted can we have a guitar pick, so he threw a couple. The security guard picked one up and threw it into the crowd. The other one landed near the stage. My CO was telling the security guard where it was and the guard was like "no I can't see it" so my CO literally stormed backstage grabbed a handful and threw them towards the two girls and my Daughter. One of the girls got one. The young couple we were with, the lad caught one (he was going to give it too my girl. but it slipped over the barrier. But the security guard wouldn't let us have it. ?

At the end, the band were sitting down to play a song and I was camera ready to snap a pic of my CO as he turned around. I took it and turned back to my girl and she was literally crying and getting a hug off the young girl, she'd waved again and he'd smiled back. When I looked at the photos on the bus home. He had given her the most lovely smile and I caught it on camera? it's my most precious photo. Someone also posted a picture of his first smile to her on twitter, the guy was literally stood behind us at the time. All in all it was awesome. It wasn't difficult to leave him as I knew I was seeing him the next night. 

The London show was also great I got to the barrier again (although a side view) I got a perfect view of my CO. He kept coming out to the side of the stage too. I made eye contact with him several times. (I was pretty much surrounded by guys)   At one point during one song, he made eye contact with me and sang a couple of lines of a song with me, I wanted to die, literally. Plus the words in song were really special which made me feel so emotional that he'd chosen to sing those words with me. They kept playing and playing and it got to 22.50pmnand they were only just starting to set up for the last song. I had to make the choice to leave as I would've missed my last train home at 23.15pm. I only made it with 7 minutes to spare. That made it easier as I had to leave him, not the other way around. 

The following evening I tweeted him a thank you for both shows and he retweeted it a few minutes later. ?

I spent the next week and half literally pining for him, I really missed him. He is my hero, I wouldn't be where I am today without his help and inspiration. He's helped me so much I'm so grateful to him. 

Then he tweeted he that he was glad to be home and I tweeted him saying he will be missed and thanking him again. I got another retweet. Which made my the whole thing so perfect it was icing on the cake. ?

sorry for the long details and posts. It was very good, but due to my OCD I felt I had to find a negative somewhere no matter how tiny. The nightmare is I'm still trying to find one three weeks lately. I really dislike this CO business sometimes. 

Thanks for listening. Love and hugs to you all. Xx

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