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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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My painful fantasies come from me 100% knowing what she does every night and with whom. I knew once I found this out that the fantasy would be all over and I could never see her again. I'm irritated with myself that even though I'm so angry and hurt and have to leave this behind, that I still am aching to see her pictures and want to find a reason to be hopeful about getting my day with her. I tried taking a break from coming here even..nothing works. I am a slave to these feelings while I go unknown. If I can't make myself feel like she would have feelings for me if she knew me, and that I am good enough for her and she could be attainable to me if I tried for her, then the fantasy (that was never enough for me to begin with) is destroyed. This is why I must eject Mila from my life. I can't take the torture anymore.

 

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Hi everyone, new member here.

I have been reading the posts on this thread for probably the last two and a half years now but could never find it in me to post. This is difficult because I have no idea where to begin or how much I should include in one introductory post. Anyway, here goes. Sorry for the length.

I have been obsessed with a particular celebrity for the past three and a half years now. A little background on me: I’m in my early 20’s and have never had a real-life relationship. I’m what I’ll call a “severe introvert” with social anxiety, a lifelong history of OCD, and essentially no social life whatsoever. I think it’s safe to say that these issues really became exacerbated when I went to university four years ago and was struggling with feelings of insecurity and extreme unworthiness. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life or if I even wanted to be there, I was incapable of making friends, and felt that I didn’t “deserve” to be there. I stayed in an all-girls residence and found that I couldn’t connect with any of the other girls. They all seemed so different from me, and socializing with others has never seemed worth the anxiety is causes me anyway.

This inability to “connect” with others has been an ongoing theme throughout my life. I have always felt out-of-place and “different”. I have always felt like I didn’t belong and that no one really “understood” me. As a result, I’ve always had very few friends and right now I’m down to one person who I can honestly call a friend. 

To cope with lack of real life experiences, I have always (since childhood) immersed myself in fantasy. I know this has been brought up on the thread before so I’ll just say it simply – I experience maladaptive daydreaming. I’m always living out some kind of improved version of my life and who I am as a person inside my head. I fantasize most often about romance and being in a relationship because this is what I crave more than anything. I am prone to becoming fixated on certain men and forming (often very detailed) romantic fantasies around them. This has at times become rather extreme in the form of celebrity obsessions, or just obsessions with men who were otherwise completely unattainable. I have had some pretty extreme CO’s in the past, but nothing like what I’m dealing with currently. 

My current CO began as my first year of university was coming to an end and I decided to read two of his autobiographies. From there, things just skyrocketed. I was taken aback by the connection I felt to him; how similar we were in terms of experiences/emotions/beliefs and how “incredible” I thought he was. I knew he wasn’t perfect, but it was actually his imperfections that drew me to him. I guess I sort of felt like I had found “my person”; someone I belonged with. I believed that I understood him in a way that others didn’t. I knew he had been in a lot of failed relationships and as my obsession with him continued to develop, I guess I got it in my head that he needed a woman like me. I didn’t want to fix him, but I wanted to nurture and accept him in a way that I thought only someone like me (with all my problems) could. He had this effect on me where it was like everything I hated about myself suddenly seemed almost admirable.

The hardest thing about this CO for me was seeing him in relationships and I guess it’s easy to see how and why. It was horrendously painful to see women who were nothing like me happy with him because of course I couldn’t make sense of that. How could they love him if they don’t “get” him?  Even though it was painful to see him with other women, I guess you could say I was still coping well enough to not feel completely depressed. Fast-forward to a month and a half ago…I found out that his current girlfriend is pregnant. And I lost it. Something became unhinged in me and it was like this whole fantasy exploded in my face. I took it about a thousand times worse than I ever thought I could. I was so shocked by the news that, even to this day, I’m genuinely in disbelief. It’s like my brain refuses to process it. I can’t accept that it’s real.

Since then I’ve been thinking about this pregnancy obsessively and I haven’t been able to sleep because the thoughts get even worse at night. Because I’m in so much pain, I made the mistake of grasping at straws to undermine this relationship and predict its demise (even with a child involved…how lovely of me), but that all came crashing down yesterday when I found out they’re now engaged. Even though I had no illusions that me and my CO would ever meet and fall in love, this news has still ruined the fantasy I created. I knew I’d never be with him and I had actually accepted that, but I still can’t stand to see him with her. I now feel that I’ve “lost him” and am grieving him somehow and it all feels like too much to take. I feel like I’ve lost all meaning in my life because I could only ever find meaning in him. Every positive emotion I experienced in the last three and a half years was connected to him. Even volunteering, being out in the community, getting my degree – none of that brought me the “meaning”, warmth, and connection that he did. He’s like an addiction to me and now that I associate him only with pain and disappointment, I really do feel that I have nothing and that life isn’t worth living.

I just want to say that I know I’m in need of professional help so I don’t need to be told that – I’m just desperate to reach out to others who may be going through this and I hope that by sharing my story I can maybe help someone else to not feel alone. Since this is obviously a mental health issue, no amount of logic and rational thinking can seem to get through to me. That’s really the tough part because I consider myself a fairly smart person and I’ve tried so hard to talk myself out of feeling this way and nothing works. My reasons for becoming so fixated on this specific man (as opposed to any other celebrity) are complex and very personal and I feel a bit of irrational resentment towards him for it. Even though I know it’s not his fault, I’m kind of upset with him for what he “did” to me.

Thank you so much for reading. And I also just want to say that you are all very strong people for sharing your stories. With how poorly understood “celebrity worship” seems to be (based on my Google searches), I have to say that this thread has been a great source of comfort to me over the last couple years. 

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the pregnancy thing..i know why it bothers you. I'm going through the same thing with my CO. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Nobody deserves this sh*t. I get the resentment too. Its funny how people try to make you feel better by telling you how irrational and based on nothing your feelings are. Isn't that lovely? It drives me nuts. I dont have this obsession cuz of OCD, I have it because of LOVE. A love I have kept inside for over a decade when I could still manage it. I mean, I have a great girl and a daughter and if anyone could get Mila out of my heart it would be her but it appears that her place in my heart is under lock and key. Its a curse. I see a therapist, a psychologist, take medication and while it helps it doesn't change my love and burning desires and pain when I find out things about her that I dont want to know.

anyway, back to you, I would take the professional help..not because you're crazy or anything like that but because you could at least get medicated in some way and can at least have a small defense against the pain. I dont know how well known your CO is but I fear finding out bad things about mine every time I leave the house or turn on my television. All this while she knows NOTHING about me..which is what leads to the anger. I'm not a good loser and I don't know how to be happy for her when i want this SO bad and have for so long. It has nothing to do with her fame. If anything, her fame is my enemy.

I'm sorry you lost the joy of your fantasy world to bullsh*t reality, or what the media is telling you reality is.. It just happened to me too. I hope you can hang in there.

welcome posie riot, wish we were meeting under better circumstances.

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6 hours ago, nothingatall7766 said:

the pregnancy thing..i know why it bothers you. I'm going through the same thing with my CO. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Nobody deserves this sh*t. I get the resentment too. Its funny how people try to make you feel better by telling you how irrational and based on nothing your feelings are. Isn't that lovely? It drives me nuts. I dont have this obsession cuz of OCD, I have it because of LOVE. A love I have kept inside for over a decade when I could still manage it. I mean, I have a great girl and a daughter and if anyone could get Mila out of my heart it would be her but it appears that her place in my heart is under lock and key. Its a curse. I see a therapist, a psychologist, take medication and while it helps it doesn't change my love and burning desires and pain when I find out things about her that I dont want to know.

anyway, back to you, I would take the professional help..not because you're crazy or anything like that but because you could at least get medicated in some way and can at least have a small defense against the pain. I dont know how well known your CO is but I fear finding out bad things about mine every time I leave the house or turn on my television. All this while she knows NOTHING about me..which is what leads to the anger. I'm not a good loser and I don't know how to be happy for her when i want this SO bad and have for so long. It has nothing to do with her fame. If anything, her fame is my enemy.

I'm sorry you lost the joy of your fantasy world to bullsh*t reality, or what the media is telling you reality is.. It just happened to me too. I hope you can hang in there.

welcome posie riot, wish we were meeting under better circumstances.

I'm really sorry about what you're going through with Mila right now. I saw a recent article about her a couple days ago and my heart broke for you as if it were my own CO. My CO is a prominent media figure too and it's hard on me. Just before responding to this I saw some stupid paparazzi crap that I didn't need to see and I'm sure the images will be in my head all night. I also live in fear of "bad news" regarding my CO and one of the reasons why I still google him is so that I can control exactly when I find things out. I would hate to come across something randomly, by surprise, when I'm least expecting it. Better that I torture myself with googling and searching on social media so that I can just sort of rip it off like a bandaid - although this doesn't always stop me from seeing things unintentionally. He's difficult to avoid, as I'm sure Mila is too. 

You say that even with outside help she is still under lock and key and that this is like a curse. I believe that I'd be in the same boat. For me this issue is really complex and I think that celebrity obsession in general is poorly understood. Like basically everyone else here, I don't care about the celebrity aspect. I don't care about "celebrity culture" or whatever. I'm nothing like his other fans or "groupies". That's not my thing at all. For me it's like trying to force myself to fall out of love with someone...essentially impossible. It's especially impossible when you're actively trying.

 

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posie_riot

nothingatall7766  

 

HI, I feel sorry for both of you. Pregnancy and dealing with a CO can cause a lot of stress. I can almost feel it in your words the hurt it causes. People who don't deal or ever had this kind of obsession don't realize the pain we feel  is real. I don't know who posie_riot's CO is, she didn't say, but I am familiar with nothingatall766 CO. I remember Mila from That 70's Show. I used to watch it. I Googled her just for the heck of it and what I saw would stress the heck out of me if she was my CO. Somehow it doesn't seem fair that it's always someone else gets who we desire. That's the nature of  CO's yet it still sucks.

And that brings me to another point. The American media and paparazzi.  They're evil. It's like they know there's people out there like these celebs.  The media just has to tell us about boyfriends, girlfriends, marriage and pregnancy. The whole industry just loves to show stuff like this. The only saving grace for me my CO Reina lives in Japan. She's strictly a Japanese celeb. In Japan they seem much more discreet when it comes to celebs. On the other hand, most of the news coming from there is written in Japanese so I don't understand a thing. Which is good for me. 

With Reina there's been a few things which stressed me out, not like either one of you two, but still it made me feel bad. The first one, I saw on her Wiki that she was dating someone. I kicked the garbage can in my kitchen, garbage flew everywhere. It ruined my workout and I felt rotten at work. When I got home that information was deleted. I felt happy about that. Another one which gets to me. There's a picture of her kissing someone from a show she was in. I know it was just acting, but still. I absolutely hate that picture. I feel envy, jealousy and hatred. I so wish it was kissing her. Even it was just acting. Another one I can't stand. There's this web site which has a lot of magazines on it.; You can actually thumb through them and read most of the pages.  The magazine Reina models for is one of them they have. So, I looked through them hoping to find a good picture of her I don't have. There was one picture of her holding some guys hand at a skating rink. It looked like an advertisement, but in my head, I think the worst.  I could feel my inner core heating up and I felt light headed, not in a good way. I just sat there and felt like someone hit me in the head with a baseball bat. I did manage to calm down and not let it wreck my day, but still, it stressed me out. Even thinking about this while typing gets me a little worked up. 

For me, most of the time  I truly do enjoy Reina. My life is pretty much dedicated to her at the moment. Still, there's things which stress me out. It's a never ending journey. Joy and sorrow. 

 

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@posie_riot Welcome to the board, and thank you for telling your story. I know that can't have been an easy thing to do at all. 

What you've recently found out about your CO sounds unimaginably painful - it must be horrible to have your entire fantasy world come crashing down like that. Life can be so unfair sometimes. None of us choose to fall in love with famous people, it just happens. And unfortunately it leaves us with a high chance of getting our heart broken. Who's to say if you got to know your CO, he wouldn't fall in love with you? The problem is the chance of any of us getting to know our COs is so slim.

As you probably know from reading this board, you're not alone in struggling with introversion and social anxiety. This does seem to be linked in some way to having a CO. I suppose it's a way of avoiding rejection (well at least direct rejection). There probably aren't many super confident extroverts out there in love with famous people.

I know you'll be feeling terrible at the moment, but I hope posting here has helped you, even if only a little bit.

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http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/40244-unhealthy-obsession-with-a-celebrity-please-help/?page=207

Here's the first post I made about her on this thread, somewhere down the page. I adjusted some details in that post so people won't be as hot on the trail to finding out who she is, and I probably will do the same in this one. I feel like it is not so much me not wanting people to find out who exactly I'm obsessing over, it's more shame that permeates every sense of my being that causes me to be evasive about this. With that, I want to ask politely, just so I can have some peace of mind, that if anyone does find out who I'm obsessing over, if you would please not address me about it or post about it in here. I trust every single poster on this website, but I needed to get that out of the way. :)

Forgive me if I ramble. I'm not the best writer...

As you can see from the linked post, this obsession may have been stretching back as far as a year. I'm not sure. I've been evasive about this, and sad about this, as far back as two months before that post. I feel like there was a slight difference between the way the obsession expressed itself then, versus now.

To start, a couple years ago I started watching this television show. I became enamored by one of the actresses on it, and only watched the show for her and ignored anything deeper than that. That was harmless, and my harmless crush lasted for about a year. I was involved in this fandom from the start and usually was not impacted by the negativity that I would frequently come across, until last year. I started looking at things differently. Started looking at this character differently. I was a little sad about it (as far as I can remember; the linked post may have shown otherwise), but I dealt with it. In saying that, I still did not want to watch the show that season. My family and I, we're very close and watch everything, television and movies. We have a plethora of media to choose from, and we would have only watched the show that season if someone suggested "hey, can we watch this?", and no one did, so I was good for a while. I also started slowly distancing myself from them. Any time they were talking about a TV show that they were planning on watching, I left the room. I thought it would segue into conversation about the show my CO character is from, and I really did not want anyone to question why we hadn't watched it. Eventually I gave up on watching any TV show or movie. I did still have the Internet, and I followed the fan chatter. So in the span of a few months I went from shedding a few tears to using avoidance tactics.

Fast forward to more recent months: I don't remember when this one started. I think it was around March of this year. I developed the same obsession, but this time with this character's ex-boyfriend. This one was really bad for me. I think it started after I was randomly perusing episode scripts of the show, and I came across lines from this character that I didn't even know existed. They really hurt me. What's odd to me that unlike the crush I had on the actress pre-obsession, I had nothing of the same with this actor; I was not even invested in the actor. A lot of my obsessing with the female character had to with morality and her behavior in relationships, and so was my brief obsession with the male character, and since they were connected at one point, I guess it only made sense that I eventually became obsessed with him. I started thinking the worst of him, and in doing that tried making his "bad" actions look "not so bad." I started having harm intrusive thoughts. Every time I was feeling at peace, a random image of him doing something bad popped into my mind. At times I knew how to let it pass, other times I just argued with it. You know it's bad when you're avoiding certain words that remind you of him. The worst of it was when I woke up to a panic attack at 4 AM and my mom asked what was wrong. I answered "just a little anxious," which wasn't a lie. I had two panic attacks since then (I'm back to my obsession with the female character now, and haven't had any attacks while obsessed with her, but I controlled them pretty well; no one knew. Eventually I decided: I need to get a grip on this. How about I start bathing every day and get out there and just start exercising? I was pretty successful with that. My anxiety went down pretty quickly after that. In addition I tweaked my diet. (Of course I only do all this sporadically now, but it worked while it lasted.)

Then my original obsession came back and this one was left in the wind. I can't really say anything differently in this paragraph that wasn't said in the previous one. The gist of it is pretty much all the same, except I don't have trigger words or panic attacks anymore. I have decided that avoidance is a technique that is only going to make things worse for me. The more I think about avoiding, the more the obsession sticks in my head. If I face my fears head on, this will get better for me. So I suggested to my family that maybe we should catch up on the show, and we are. The first episode I watched... goodness, I swore I was going to be sick. Then it ended and we watched another one. This time I decided to listen to music on my phone using headphones and use some non-triggering websites while I was watching it. (My original plan was to liveblog my watching experience on my blog... for some reason that made me more stressed. I guess the stress of feeling like I had to write, to fulfill some goal I set for myself? I also don't understand why the blog was triggering and the other websites weren't.) That worked MUCH better, and I got through four episodes at once. We've only watched five so far and have been slacking on the rest. I'm worried that it's going to be hard to get back into it after having been away from it for about a week, and I'll have to deal with those panicky feelings I was dealing with while watching the first episode.

The topic of avoidance is a tricky one. Let it be know I have not seen a psychologist about this, but from my research, I shouldn't avoid things like watching this show, but I should probably avoid some online chatter? Is it Don't avoid the things you fear, but avoid the things you don't that will make you feel worse.? I genuinely do not understand that. Reassurance, also. I feel like posting this whole story of my obsession on here is an overall positive experience for me. I was scared to post about this on here, but it didn't consume my whole life (maybe that's it?), but could posting this be a form of reassurance seeking? How would I know? I would love to ask a psychologist about that one day.

I don't know what the ultimate goal here is. I would love to just enjoy the actress a media figure like I have been doing and just not watch the show anymore because I don't enjoy it anymore, but that's probably the anxiety talking. At this point I feel like I am about 25% self-aware. I have learned a lot about my morals with all this, but the rest of it has been littered with black-and-white thoughts about people, and I have not had much time for self-reflection.

Side note: Yesterday someone tried psyching me out by saying they may have found one of my personal online accounts (turns out they didn't), so I immediately deleted that and another one. Both sites were unhealthy outlets for my obsession. I went to bed thinking, oh, my goodness, I feel defenseless now. So I guess that's why I ended up here, posting my story today of all days. To have an outlet. I had always wanted to post in here though, just didn't have the guts though. I do want to go back to the unhealthy sites, but posting "ANXIETY SUCKS" 24/7...? Yeah, it wasn't healthy. :D

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this. I appreciate each and every one of you.

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God I can feel the hate flowing through me again. I have loved her for over 15 years, admired from afar when she was still barely anything famewise, she was supposed to be MINE but yet I feel I'm the only person in the world who cant search for her because doing so would be asking to have my insides twisted in knots. Instead, everybody else gets to look at MY person. What a sh*t life.

 

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Thank you @NCC and @OpalP25 for your support. 

@NCC After the ridiculous (and quite stalker-ish) paparazzi photos I saw last night of him and his girlfriend (fiancee now...ugh), I'm really starting to have a problem with the way the media insists on focusing on celebrities' personal lives. You're right - they know obsessive people exist and there's no compassion there. They make money off of people with unhealthy celebrity obsessions. Before this CO turned painful for me I wanted to see paparazzi photos of him, but looking back, all that ever did was fuel my obsession. I should never have felt like I had a window into his personal life and could glean honest information that way. Social media is terrible for this as well because his fans act like a second set of paparazzi when they see him or meet him in person. 

@OpalP25  I think I do fall in love with unattainable celebrities partly to avoid rejection (consequence of social anxiety), but what's funny is that this ends up being the ultimate rejection. I believe that I'm a bigger mess over this CO than I would be over an actual break-up. You said: Who's to say he wouldn't fall in love with me if he got to know me? I think part of the appeal with celebrity obsession is that in my fantasies I can be perfect for him and no one can prove otherwise. I can imagine that he would fall in love with me and there's no real-life reality check to tell me "no". That works for awhile. But when he gets into serious relationships (like the one he's in now), I start obsessively comparing myself to the other woman and finding all kinds of reasons why she's better than me and why he could never love me like he loves her. The fantasy I built up becomes ruined, and then I feel stupid for even thinking that he could love me. I have to remember that his relationships probably have more to do with circumstance and timing than anything else, but it's hard to convince myself of that. Right now I just see his current partner as "The One" or as "Mrs. Right" instead of "Mrs. Here at The Right Time and Place", which is probably more accurate. 

 

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@nothingatall7766 I didn't find out anything you didn't already know. And I can definitely relate to the feeling of other people being able look at my CO so much more easily than I can. I can't look up anything related to my CO without feeling physically sick, and it was like that even before I found out about the pregnancy and engagement. I am now actively avoiding an interview he did recently because I know I can't watch it and it's awful to see how many other people watched it and loved it. 

I wish very much that I could just be a "normal" admirer and be able to enjoy him like his other fans do. But for me, it's all too much. Too much emotion, too much pain. I can't look at him without thinking of her. At this point I'm desperate to lose this obsession but I'm trapped. I want to dislike him so that I have a reason to not want to be with him, but it's impossible. I want to think that every positive belief I ever had about him isn't really true but I constantly see people (mostly on social media) reaffirming how "amazing" he is. It's awful. 

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@buttermybiscuit I agree that avoidance is tricky and that it can make things worse. That's why I'm still allowing myself to look up info about my CO online at sort of designated times when I feel like I'm in the best head space for it. The obsession does, in my opinion, need some kind of outlet or release. It's hard to know if "facing the fear" is helpful, or if it's just making things harder in the long term. It seems like it would make sense to try to desensitize yourself by watching the show, reading things online etc. but I know firsthand how that doesn't really work. It's complicated.

Reminds me of a question I've been asking myself - should I just accept this obsession and these bad feelings? Should I just accept it as part of my make-up that I'm prone to this sort of thing and go from there? Ridding myself of the problem entirely just seems so unlikely. Maybe avoidance is a form of denial, or a way to put off feelings that will inevitably come back to me. 

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@posieriot i dont want to be seen as a normal "admirer". I am the greatest. Who else can say that their entire life since the beginning of last year has been an endless onslaught of pain and longing that not only ruined my fantasy but made a rollercoaster out of the life I DID make for myself. I honestly don't know who I hate more. All the fans for making me look like a drop in the hat..a speck of dust..or that loser that gets to be in her life. I think I will go with the latter. I hope that dreadful bore doesn't have to act to save his life for his sake. Or maybe I do. Fantasizing about beating the living sh*t out of him is the closest thing to feeling better I can get. If I can't have my #1 wish in the world, can I at least get that one? I would love to use his face as a punching bag. He was never f*ing good at anything. I used to think she would like me if she met me (you dont know how much I depend on that belief for validation) and that shed answer the letter I wrote to her if I actually sent it..it is the perfect letter.. How the hell am I supposed to believe that now??

@ncc You are lucky somewhat to have all that news be in Japanese but since my crush on Mila turned to obsession, I know how you feel about even seeing someone holding her hand filling you with anger and jealousy. At this point, in one of milas pictures, id be jealous of the blurry guy in the background unknowingly photobombing because he can approach her. I wish she never became famous SO bad cuz either a. I'd have never heard of her or b. I'd see her walking down the street and could ask her out like one person to another..BOTH are way better than this. I have a hatred towards celebrities to some extent cuz they have this power..its like unless you live in a hole or run away from all news (which I HAVE done), you HAVE to hear about them but only at a distance..and they don't have to be inconvenienced with even knowing a SINGLE thing about your existence. Makes me sick. I have control over nothing but it all has control over me. Must be nice to be on the other side. If someone told me that holding and kissing Mila was poisonous and I would die instantly after doing so, then it would be peace out cruel world. THAT'S how bad I want this.

I'm not sure which one of you said the thing about paparazzi or whatever but they are the biggest wastes of life ever and if they think they actually do something worthy of being called a job, then they probably would have been better off not being born. I just f*ing despise all of it.

I dont expect to ever hear her say she loves me, but it would be nice just to be known to her as a living, existing, breathing human being that has always felt for her this way. Just ONE small thing to connect this fantasy to reality. PLEASE. I just want to be connected to her in some way.

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buttermybiscuit

 

 

nothingatall7766

 

posie_riot

 

When giving or getting advice what actually works? There's  only really acceptance or avoidance Obsessing  about a celeb is walking on thin ice. If you're one of those people who just likes celebs and are cool with whatever they do this thread really isn't for you. It really is for people who feel a romantic love for a celeb. When we see our obsession with someone romantically it feels like a lover rejecting us. It hurts.   How do we ever get to the point of being ok if your obsession is involved with someone?  Even just the slightest rumor about Reina with someone stresses me out.  I know in my deepest of hearts I want to be the one who marries  Reina and have a family. Just the thought of someone else getting that opportunity makes me ill. I always say to myself. "Why not me? Just for once, why can't I be the one?" 

With me, I'm in a pretty good place with Reina. But the potential is always there to be stressed out. What I need to do is get to the point of complete acceptance. Finding that answer is going to be the hard part.

One thing nothingatall7766 said I found interesting was the poison kiss. I never had that thought, but I did have a fantasy on that line. I would do this if without thinking twice about it if the opportunity arose. If Reina needed a kidney I would give her one of mine. If I died on the operating table and Reina lived because of what I have done. I would be fine with that. I would give my life up to help her if she needed it. I feel that strongly about her. 

What buttermybiscuit said about avoiding and taking it head on is interesting. Avoidance can be tricky, it could make you want even more. For some people it works. Out of sight, out of mind. The biggest problem with avoidance is the withdrawal part of it. It can be painful because your body and mind craves this person. In the long run, it works. It's the only thing that truly works. I know, I've been there. Now taking it head on could have its benefits. You could get so over saturated with your obsession you get bored of him/her. You could actually get sick of your obsession. I know for me that wouldn't work. I could stare at a picture of Reina for hours and hours. And I would want more. Looking at her is a never ending high. At this point I don't want to give up on Reina. I really enjoy my time I spend with her in my head. 

nothingatall6677 and posie_riot I feel for you 2, I really do. Getting over or accepting what is happening with your CO's is going to be hard. It's natural to feel bad. After all, we're only human. I wish I had something magical to say which would make the pain go away. But I don't. So all I can say is vent in this thread.  Tell God he's cruel. Yell at your obsessions partner. Get it out of your system, heck have a long cry if it would help. What you can't do is let this ruin your lives. What you need to remember, as much as you love your obsession, they have no clue you exist.  They didn't dump you for another. They're not being mean to you. It's just them living, nothing more. 

buttermybiscuit, I'm going to have to read more of your posts, you did link one so i'll read it. I need to find out more about your obsession to see where you're at with it. From what I've read, you don't seem like you're in a real bad place. You seem to have a gameplan  for your situation, which is a good start. 

Take care everyone, be safe. 

 

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@posie_riot I'd say you should think about your CO's fiancée in any way that makes you feel better about the situation. You could imagine her being a total loser, or imagine that your CO doesn't really love her, just find a scenario that works for you. Thinking of her as being "the one" for him will just make you feel worse, especially as you said it's unlikely that that's really the case. I think the key here is to try and find a glimmer of hope to focus on in order to make the dark situation you're experiencing a tiny bit brighter.

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@posie_riot I'd say acceptance is a good thing, as long as you're accepting that you have a CO in a healthy way ("This is me, I have a CO and that's okay" vs. "I have this, this sucks..."). In my case, I have not fully accepted myself yet. I have moments, but they are few and far between me being upset and asking myself "why do I have to deal with this?"

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I dont have any answers. I can say sometimes that forcing yourself to think rationally about it all actually makes it hurt worse. The anger and jealousy hurts but I'm at the point where I can't face that feeling of defeat and being the loser that crying gives me so id rather just be angry. Her "just living" without me shouldn't have happened and it makes me angry. I'm not saying anything any of you dont already know though so what's the point. I need some time away from here. Be back in a few days. I can't even go here today. I hope nobody gets hurt today. Or at least puts any salt in the already existing wounds. Hope your weekends are peaceful.

 

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god why the f*k did I come here today? I am so angry and full of pain that I feel like my insides are going to explode. I better not hear one damn thing about that slut for a long time unless its that she's suffering. So badly that it hurts to live. With the unbearable wound just constantly being jabbed at. And jabbed. And jabbed.

and as far as that f*king loser is concerned who isn't even to be dignified as a human being with a name..my only chance for the slightest smile to cross my face is for him to see this and know how deeply hated by someone he is and how much I'd love to fight. Its all I have left. I'd give anything to destroy your name and see your career reduced to dirt.

god this can stop hurting so bad ANY time now. HATE.

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@buttermybiscuit I agree that acceptance is the best thing. Finding this place has been a big help for me in accepting that I have a CO. I used to think that obsessive celebrity crushes were just for under 16s, and I wondered if I was either really immature or clinically insane! But then I discovered this board and realised that: 1) This is far more common than I imagined it would be, and 2) Most people struggling with this are sane people living normal lives, rather than delusional stalkers. I honestly believe there's probably a very high percentage of the population who have experienced something similar to us, even if not to the same extent. Knowing I'm not alone in all this has been hugely helpful.

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My story is a bit similar to the one @posie_riot posted recently.

All my life, I have had a succession of crushes / obsessions on either celebrities or fictional characters. (The latter isn't one I saw mentioned in this thread yet, but I only read the first few pages and the last one.) This goes back to childhood, when they were non-sexual, but since my teenage years it has largely been based around sexual attraction. They can range anywhere from a few months to 3-4 years in duration, and one only ends when I switch to another.

I also have had lifelong social anxiety. I have never been in an actual romantic relationship with someone (and I'm 30 now). I have trouble actually feeling attraction towards people I know in real life - I have only had a few crushes on people I actually know, and none of them were crushes I ever intended to go anywhere for one reason or another. I really, really worry that these obsessions have impacted my ability to feel attraction to, and form actual relationships with, real life people that aren't perfect ideals I've made up in my head.

I've never told anyone this, not even when I was in therapy, because I thought it was too weird and because I thought I'd just get dismissed - everyone has celebrity crushes, they're fun, etc. But this is not fun for me. It impacts my life. I spend hours in bed and doing mindless things, daydreaming, when I could be focusing on my life instead. I can't prevent myself from doing it. I hate that I do it and I also fear the void it would leave behind if I didn't. I know that, on some level, I am trying to fill in a void in my own life - what I'm missing in reality in terms of human companionship and love, I make up for in the fantasy.

As I mentioned before, my interest tends to be kind of split between fictional characters and celebrities. Every once in a great while, I will have both going on at once - a fictional character from a movie/tv and the actor that played them. The interest in the character comes first, then that fades away a bit and the actor takes precedence. This is the situation I'm in right now and have been in for about a year and a half.

I'm writing this today because over the past few weeks I've been utterly distracted by it. I've just recently found out that this celebrity has done something that totally throws my assessment of who he is a person for a loop. I'm shocked and horrified and have felt physically sick over it, and been unable to sleep properly because I keep laying there thinking it over, with my heart pounding. I find it a bit ironic because I'm fully aware that my idea of this person is largely fictional - yes I've based his personality off of what I know of his public persona, but I've filled in the rest with things that I like that may necessarily not be real. Me meeting him and falling in love with him is obviously not real. None of what goes on in my head is real - so why am I so bothered by what he's actually done in reality when I could just write it out of the story, to so speak? But the reality is invading my daydreams and destroying everything I thought he was and every hope I ever had of being with him, and I feel like I'm in some sort of freefall. I can't focus on my real life. It's horrible.

I'm actually kind of hoping that this will somehow **** the interest in him. I've never had that happen independently of switching my interest to another person. I actually have the fictional character as a "backup" and I try to make myself focus on that sometimes, but it's hard to make myself do that - especially when I'm trying to go to sleep and getting into that half asleep state where you don't have 100% control of your thoughts. I want to get over this because it's stupid and embarrassing and distressing and also, I sort of don't want to like this person anymore, after what has happened. But it seems to largely be based on physical attraction and that doesn't seem to be subsiding.

I don't know what to do to get rid of it, or if there's anything I CAN do to get rid of it. In contrast to a lot of people, I actually don't ever look up information about my celebrity crushes or gather photos of them or talk about them and whatnot - I actually sort of try to avoid them. Though sometimes I will find myself reading places where they might be mentioned, kinda sorta hoping to see their name, and telling myself I'm there for unrelated reasons. But since I discovered this thing, I have been looking up information about it. I don't know which is better - to avoid feeing the obsession with information, or to read as much as possible in an attempt to try to generate a sense of disgust for this person? How do you get over something like this? Is it even something psychologists have done any sort of research into? I was on SSRIs for a while and while I still did fantasize a bit, it just seemed less compelling / interesting to me - but the side effects were otherwise intolerable so I had to stop that. 

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On June 30, 2016 at 9:23 AM, OpalP25 said:

@posie_riot I'd say you should think about your CO's fiancée in any way that makes you feel better about the situation. You could imagine her being a total loser, or imagine that your CO doesn't really love her, just find a scenario that works for you. Thinking of her as being "the one" for him will just make you feel worse, especially as you said it's unlikely that that's really the case. I think the key here is to try and find a glimmer of hope to focus on in order to make the dark situation you're experiencing a tiny bit brighter.

I've been doing a lot of this and can't decide if it's really helping or just making things worse in the long run. I kept telling myself he didn't really love her before they got engaged and then once that happened, it stung like crazy. I'm still choosing to tell myself it's not true love though because it's the only way I know how to cope. Basically I'm constructing a new fantasy world where I'm deciding what he feels and while this cannot possibly be healthy, I think it might actually be doing me more good than harm right now. I want to say that deluding myself this way will only make things worse for me, but honestly...I can't get any worse than this. I'm not in fear of feeling any lower than I already do. I'm in survival mode. 

 

On June 30, 2016 at 11:31 AM, buttermybiscuit said:

@posie_riot I'd say acceptance is a good thing, as long as you're accepting that you have a CO in a healthy way ("This is me, I have a CO and that's okay" vs. "I have this, this sucks..."). In my case, I have not fully accepted myself yet. I have moments, but they are few and far between me being upset and asking myself "why do I have to deal with this?"

5 hours ago, OpalP25 said:

@buttermybiscuit I agree that acceptance is the best thing. Finding this place has been a big help for me in accepting that I have a CO. I used to think that obsessive celebrity crushes were just for under 16s, and I wondered if I was either really immature or clinically insane! But then I discovered this board and realised that: 1) This is far more common than I imagined it would be, and 2) Most people struggling with this are sane people living normal lives, rather than delusional stalkers. I honestly believe there's probably a very high percentage of the population who have experienced something similar to us, even if not to the same extent. Knowing I'm not alone in all this has been hugely helpful.

In my case, I'm trying to view my obsession as an illness like any other and practise some self-compassion. Easier said than done! I wouldn't look down on someone for being addicted to drugs or having any other mental disorder, nor would I expect them to "get over it".  @OpalP25 I too have wondered if I'm "immature" in love but I think it's way more complicated than that. I also agree that celebrity obsession is more common than people think, but for some people it doesn't become as tragic and self-punishing. My CO has plenty of over-the-top obsessive fans whose words and behaviour are definitely out of the ordinary, but those people are living relatively peaceful lives because they're not "in love" the way I am. They're obsessed with him in a different, far less painful way. I have yet to come across anyone in his fan base who isn't super excited about him becoming a father, which makes me feel so isolated and crazy. I know that anyone who dared to say anything remotely negative or showed any disappointment at all would likely get attacked by these groupie types. I realize that anyone who feels like me would probably be in hiding anyway, which is kind of how I ended up posting on this board. The stigma needs to end. 

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49 minutes ago, Meissa said:

My story is a bit similar to the one @posie_riot posted recently.

All my life, I have had a succession of crushes / obsessions on either celebrities or fictional characters. (The latter isn't one I saw mentioned in this thread yet, but I only read the first few pages and the last one.) This goes back to childhood, when they were non-sexual, but since my teenage years it has largely been based around sexual attraction. They can range anywhere from a few months to 3-4 years in duration, and one only ends when I switch to another.

I also have had lifelong social anxiety. I have never been in an actual romantic relationship with someone (and I'm 30 now). I have trouble actually feeling attraction towards people I know in real life - I have only had a few crushes on people I actually know, and none of them were crushes I ever intended to go anywhere for one reason or another. I really, really worry that these obsessions have impacted my ability to feel attraction to, and form actual relationships with, real life people that aren't perfect ideals I've made up in my head.

I've never told anyone this, not even when I was in therapy, because I thought it was too weird and because I thought I'd just get dismissed - everyone has celebrity crushes, they're fun, etc. But this is not fun for me. It impacts my life. I spend hours in bed and doing mindless things, daydreaming, when I could be focusing on my life instead. I can't prevent myself from doing it. I hate that I do it and I also fear the void it would leave behind if I didn't. I know that, on some level, I am trying to fill in a void in my own life - what I'm missing in reality in terms of human companionship and love, I make up for in the fantasy.

As I mentioned before, my interest tends to be kind of split between fictional characters and celebrities. Every once in a great while, I will have both going on at once - a fictional character from a movie/tv and the actor that played them. The interest in the character comes first, then that fades away a bit and the actor takes precedence. This is the situation I'm in right now and have been in for about a year and a half.

I'm writing this today because over the past few weeks I've been utterly distracted by it. I've just recently found out that this celebrity has done something that totally throws my assessment of who he is a person for a loop. I'm shocked and horrified and have felt physically sick over it, and been unable to sleep properly because I keep laying there thinking it over, with my heart pounding. I find it a bit ironic because I'm fully aware that my idea of this person is largely fictional - yes I've based his personality off of what I know of his public persona, but I've filled in the rest with things that I like that may necessarily not be real. Me meeting him and falling in love with him is obviously not real. None of what goes on in my head is real - so why am I so bothered by what he's actually done in reality when I could just write it out of the story, to so speak? But the reality is invading my daydreams and destroying everything I thought he was and every hope I ever had of being with him, and I feel like I'm in some sort of freefall. I can't focus on my real life. It's horrible.

I'm actually kind of hoping that this will somehow **** the interest in him. I've never had that happen independently of switching my interest to another person. I actually have the fictional character as a "backup" and I try to make myself focus on that sometimes, but it's hard to make myself do that - especially when I'm trying to go to sleep and getting into that half asleep state where you don't have 100% control of your thoughts. I want to get over this because it's stupid and embarrassing and distressing and also, I sort of don't want to like this person anymore, after what has happened. But it seems to largely be based on physical attraction and that doesn't seem to be subsiding.

I don't know what to do to get rid of it, or if there's anything I CAN do to get rid of it. In contrast to a lot of people, I actually don't ever look up information about my celebrity crushes or gather photos of them or talk about them and whatnot - I actually sort of try to avoid them. Though sometimes I will find myself reading places where they might be mentioned, kinda sorta hoping to see their name, and telling myself I'm there for unrelated reasons. But since I discovered this thing, I have been looking up information about it. I don't know which is better - to avoid feeing the obsession with information, or to read as much as possible in an attempt to try to generate a sense of disgust for this person? How do you get over something like this? Is it even something psychologists have done any sort of research into? I was on SSRIs for a while and while I still did fantasize a bit, it just seemed less compelling / interesting to me - but the side effects were otherwise intolerable so I had to stop that. 

My CO absolutely filled an emptiness, or a void inside me. Before I even found out about the pregnancy I was already scared of "losing him" somehow. I was scared of losing interest in him, or of him disappointing me in a major way. In addition to fulfilling my desire for love and companionship, I think in my case my CO also fulfilled an ego-oriented void. That's hard to admit, but I feel it's true. I thought that by being with him, I would become a more interesting and impressive person. Due to my social anxiety, I feel like I've missed out on a lot in life and haven't been able to reach my full potential, so I thought I could take a short-cut by marrying him/having his children. That sucks to even type out. I'm jealous of his fiancée partly because she's on his arm...you know? *I* wanted to be the "special" one to have his baby, as ridiculous as I KNOW that sounds. If I had him then it wouldn't matter that I'm shy and have no life of my own. He would give me a life, and a purpose, and an identity. By being with him I could "become someone" the way that she has "become someone". 

Re: the second part I bolded. I am always asking myself that question: If I knew none of it was real and never would be real, why is this bothering me so much? Why can't I just use my imagination and "write her out"? I've done it before with milder crushes. Reality has destroyed my whole perception of him and I don't know why. I like what you said too about it being like a free fall. I share some of your physical symptoms. I find the physical effects that my CO has had on me the most surprising/disturbing element of all this: the sleep issues, the pounding heart, over-heating, sweating, body feeling like jello. I even used to get acid reflux when thinking about his girlfriend (and the girlfriend he had previous to her). When I found out about the pregnancy, I actually felt the news. It was like crashing into something. I'd rather someone beat me up physically than go through this again. 

 

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3 hours ago, posie_riot said:

If I had him then it wouldn't matter that I'm shy and have no life of my own. He would give me a life, and a purpose, and an identity.

I can relate to this a lot. In reality, I don't think I'd be one to organize my life around another person, and I sort of look down on people who make stuff like being ___'s wife/girlfriend or ___'s mother the sole component of their identity - but for some reason in my fantasy life I'm perfectly content with abandoning my own life and following them around helping them achieve theirs. Maybe because it is invariably more interesting than my own life, which doesn't have anything going on in it other than go to work, come home, go to sleep, repeat.

As I've gotten older, alter-ego me has become more similar to real me, and I have recently actually begun trying to think about the differences, and whether they are things I can actually achieve, and then trying to achieve them. Like, alter-ego me has less issues with social anxiety than I do - but that's (theoretically) something I can change about myself. So I found some self-help materials and joined a support group. If I can make myself more like her, maybe it will make me more content in my own life. If not, at least it gives me something to spend time striving to do.

Right now I am struggling with deciding to put in a lot of effort to stop thinking about this person (I never succeeded at that before, but I also never wanted to try so hard before), or to try to just rewrite stuff in my head, which I can actually do pretty easily by just projecting into the future a few months. There's nothing permanent like marriage or a baby in the way (I hesitate to say "yet"). Part of my problem at the moment is that I built up this idea that he could potentially be interested in me, given the right circumstances to meet and etc. (which of course would never happen in real life) - but he's actually in a relationship with someone who is nearly completely different from me. It's like I take it as a personal rejection. Sometimes I imagine explaining how I feel to him, because I think he would just be really disturbed by the whole thing, and maybe if I focus on the thought of how it would make him feel, it would eventually go away. I know he's got some obsessive fangirls and I like to think that I'm better than them, but I wonder how many of them are actually in the same position I am and just express it in a more open way.

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Welcome @posie_riot and @Meissa

I, too, immerse myself in fantasy and engage in maladaptive daydreaming.   Like @NCC here, I never expected to connect with my CO in the real world…I was always happy and content to enjoy my alter ego’s life with him in my fantasies.  My alter ego (AE) was created in my imagination a long time ago, when I was a child. She was my vision of myself as a young adult — therefore, she is me in so many ways, but in so many other ways, she’s so much better.  

Like many others here, I learned some information that caused me great pain about my CO 3 years ago... I never knew he had ever been married when I first fell in love with him.  And (for reasons I'll never understand about myself) I bought into my own fantasy so strongly that I think I somehow came to believe it -- I was delusional where my AE's world was concerned until that moment in 2013.  I was definitely living in my head, and my CO was a major part of my AE's world...because I fantasized that they had gotten married in 1968, and they had been married all that time.  Yet there I was one Friday afternoon in September 2013, in shocked, stunned, painful disbelief, reading that he had been married before to two other women. 

I felt betrayed.  As bizarre as this sounds now, at that moment, it felt like he had cheated on her.  It almost destroyed that fantasy world I built for him and my AE.

But I couldn’t allow that to happen…my CO and my AE both mean too much to me.  I had to fix it.  I did that by making the decision to ignore what I learned.  I didn’t deny it; I ignored it — there’s a difference.  I was never in denial about it...I couldn't deny something I never knew.   But ignoring it was something I needed to do to survive.

My CO isn’t famous or ever in the news at all.  I’d have to actively go searching to find stuff about him, so shielding myself from negative stuff is easier for me than for some of you who have more famous COs who are in the news all the time….all I have to do is discipline myself (easier said than done for someone with OCD though.) 

In spite of learning this about my CO, and even after seeing a picture of him with #2 a couple of months ago, I could never hate him or blame him for living his life in the real world. (It wasn't a recent picture; they've been divorced for decades. It was a picture from 1969, but it still hurt like a knife through the heart.) It hurt to see that...all of the stuff I've seen and learned hurts, but he doesn’t know me.  He’s never met me…how could I expect him to be holding out for me all that time? (Ridiculous!)  I don't.  I never expected to ever really be with him. Maybe in some afterlife if that's possible, if we're truly lost soulmates, ( @NCC and I had a discussion about this one day) but I know it won't happen in this one.  I just don’t want to know the details about all the things he’s been doing/currently doing.  As I said, I'm content to enjoy my AE's life with him in my fantasies. As long as I have that unobstructed by reality, I'm happy.  So I ignore reality and stay away from places where I might find out information about his real life as best I can.  I’ve loved that man almost all of my life.  That will never change no matter what he’s done or will ever do. :icon12:

Unlike you, @Meissa I enjoy my fantasies and would not want to give them up for anything (in spite of my therapist’s recent attempts…but I won that argument! :Coopwink: ) However, If you ARE interested in giving up your intrusive thoughts, I can give you some advice I learned that my therapist taught me.  Let me know.  

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I hate Instagram.

Today I was on  Reina's official Instagram. She has 1.2 million followers. What's curious, she follows 0. Now I didn't see anything there that ruined my day. I was just there in my never ending quest for more pictures of her. As I said before, I cannot get enough.

What I hate though is the many comments. I see so many them saying I love you, you're so cute. Marry me. There was one with many paragraphs  asking her out, the guy wanted her to be his girlfriend.  Even though I know it's silly, I feel like these people are stepping on my toes. The emotional part of my brain with no logic feels like these people are attempting to steal Reina from me.  I feel anger reading those posts. (BTW, I don't post there and I'm not a member of Instagram)

Who are all those people? How many  of them are madly in love with her like I am?  Do they think of her 24/7?  Do they stare at pictures of her many hours on end? Every activity I do at home, I make sure there's a picture of Reina propped up so I can look at her. In fact, since I discovered Reina, I haven't looked at pictures of other women. Reina is the only one for me in my fantasy world.. (If a woman in RL was truly available to date, I would. I'm not so delusional to think it's Reina or nothing)  I see an aura when I look at Reina, an aura of pure beauty and love, it's calling out to me. Even though Reina, herself has no clue, I believe her spirit knows and is calling out to me. She's my misplaced soul mate.   

I would suspect with 1.2 million followers and God knows how many like her who are not members on Instagram there has to  more than me who's possessed by her.  After all, her career is based on her looks.  So how could I blame other people if they like her? Yet, I don't want to be one of many. It takes my uniqueness away from me. That's why, I made a website dedicated to Reina. I will make it the biggest site in the world dedicated to her. That's how I'll prove I love her the most. I don't know if doing that is something good, or just plain sad. 

When reading posts here, it does make me feel like a dust speck in the grand scheme of things. I see many others with similar feelings and even fantasies. Our brains are hardwired pretty much the same in many ways. None of us are really unique or special in the way we feel. It might feel like our feelings somehow mean more and are stronger than other peoples. After all, we alone are experiencing our individual feelings. But look around, all of us here are in the same boat. Some are in a better place, some of us are at the end of our rope with frustration, yet we're all here, trying to make the most out our obsession. 

 

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