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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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16 hours ago, NCC said:

Yikes, I did something tonight. I was looking for more pictures of Reina and I came across Getty Images. I don't usually browse that site, one because they have their logo stamped on the picture. Usually it's in a bad place. And it costs money to download from them. 

 

Well, tonight I saw a fantastic image of Reina, of course the logo was stamped right in the middle of her face. There was no fixing this one. I'm pretty good with Photoshop but this was too much to even attempt. So I ended up paying for the picture. It certainly was fantastic. Very high res. It cost me $600.00. Oh well, I have the money, it won't set me back, I really won't even notice it's gone. But still, that's a lot of money for a pic. It's Reina though, I can only live once so might as well enjoy the fruits of my labor once in a while. So I'm ok with this purchase. She looks incredible in the pic so I'm happy.  I'll look at it like it was an expensive date.  

I would have been sorely tempted in that situation as well, and I probably would have done the same thing you did if there was absolutely no other way to resolve it. (In addition to wanting such a good picture as you describe, for me there's also OCD to contend with, and OCD would win....and so would I, because I'd have a very nice pic of my CO. ❤️) 

I'm happy you're happy. That's all that matters. ??

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On June 17, 2016 at 5:01 PM, CrazyinLove said:

Oh great, my mother just sent me some hideous article about him to see if I knew about it and I told her about him once!! Why is this happening today? 

My problem seems to be the fact that I've created this false (or maybe it isn't)  feeling that us fans are close to him somehow and that for others he's not that big of a deal since lately he barely shows his face anywhere! We talk about him in forums, we know his music to details, we call him by his real name,  we know so much about his personal life and his career that general public doesn't that it really feels like we personally know him! I follow his co-workers on IG and Twitter and they have tens or hundreds of thousands followers, I follow fan pages and some of them also have tens of thousands folowers. But then yesterday I stumbled across one of his most famous videos on YouTube and I saw that enormous number of views that I can't even say out loud without feeling like an i****! And I was like 'Oh yeah, he's _________!' Oh why don't I just sh**t myself in the head for being so f-ing stupid (don't worry I don't really mean that but that's just how stupid I feel)!!! I accept that I'll never be close to him but I feel so jealous when people who aren't fans mention him. I don't like hearing his name anywhere outside of this circle that I feel comfortable with. And that circle might in reality be way bigger than I imagine it is.

I'm sorry for complaining so much, I just had to get it off the chest.

 

I haven't been ignoring you...I've just been struggling with a response for this, CIL. I get the denial about certain things... I have to do that too to shield myself from things. I get the jealousy, too -- crazy, white-hot, insane jealousy. I would never act out (except to punish myself) but I get all of that. All I can say for advice is to do what I do: try to get the negativity behind you as quickly as possible, and do your best to ignore it. When it tries to resurface, push it back. It's the only thing that works for me.

I'm sorry it took so long to respond. I hope things are better by now. :hugs:

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On 6/17/2016 at 5:01 PM, CrazyinLove said:

Oh great, my mother just sent me some hideous article about him to see if I knew about it and I told her about him once!! Why is this happening today? 

My problem seems to be the fact that I've created this false (or maybe it isn't)  feeling that us fans are close to him somehow and that for others he's not that big of a deal since lately he barely shows his face anywhere! We talk about him in forums, we know his music to details, we call him by his real name,  we know so much about his personal life and his career that general public doesn't that it really feels like we personally know him! I follow his co-workers on IG and Twitter and they have tens or hundreds of thousands followers, I follow fan pages and some of them also have tens of thousandsfolowers. But then yesterday I stumbled across one of his most famous videos on YouTube and I saw that enormous number of views that I can't even say out loud without feeling like an i****! And I was like 'Oh yeah, he's _________!' Oh why don't I just sh**t myself in the head for being so f-ing stupid (don't worry I don't really mean that but that's just how stupid I feel)!!! I accept that I'll never be close to him but I feel so jealous when people who aren't fans mention him. I don't like hearing his name anywhere outside of this circle that I feel comfortable with. And that circle might in reality be way bigger than I imagine it is.

I'm sorry for complaining so much, I just had to get it off the chest.

 

I have similar feelings concerning my CO Reina. Fan sites dedicated to her have many 1000's of followers. An Instagram page attributed to her has over a million followers. I don't follow these sites. I don't want to hear people gushing about her. Even if someone says. "She's cute."  I feel jealous to a certain point, even though I know it isn't true, something inside me feels like these people are competing with me for Reina's affection. One person on a message board said he/she didn't like Reina, which made me feel better. Why? I don't know. Less competition? 

The only reason I dare go to these sites is that I might find a new picture of her. I know enough about her without feeling the need to communicate with others about her. I feel no need to prove to anyone i'm the biggest fan of Reina out there. They would lose. :smilingteeth:

I did make a site dedicated to Reina, but i'm the only member so far. Since she's active in Japan and my site is US based, perhaps  there's not many people looking her up in the US.  It will be the biggest pic site of Reina in the world when i'm finished with it.

It's funny you mention your mother. I talk with my mom about Reina. She sort of understands but not really. She knows though, not to send any information about Reina which would stress me out. I was deadly serious when I explained this to her. 

Edited by NCC
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53 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

I would have been sorely tempted in that situation as well, and I probably would have done the same thing you did if there was absolutely no other way to resolve it. (In addition to wanting such a good picture as you describe, for me there's also OCD to contend with, and OCD would win....and so would I, because I'd have a very nice pic of my CO. ❤️) 

I'm happy you're happy. That's all that matters. ??

I bought 2 more pics. $1800. 00 spent on my obsession. Good thing there isn't any more. LOL. But anyway, I like the pics and can afford it, so all is good. 

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@Audrey822 Don't worry about it, honestly don't know if I even expected a response, I just had to let it out. It must be hard to respond to every post and try to comfort everyone but you are doing hell of a job and I really appreciate it! So thank you:hugs:! It is better now, I think i'm usually good for most part of my day, it's just that sometimes I get overwhelmed and I feel like I'm loosing control. But I think I did exactly that, I pushed the feeling and focused on something else. Today I didn't have to mention him nor did I have time to obsess over him and suddenly I feel better. There are still times when I don't think about him of have such strong  feelings for him, but seeing his pictures and hearing his voice triggers my obsession every time...

@NCC I definitely spent much more than that on my first and biggest obsession. I had been buying magazines weekly that were way to expensive for me for years! I would have bought everything that had something to do with him, no metter the cost. Also when I heard his band was going to play a concert in my country (not my town) I bought the ticket immediately only to find out a few weeks later that there were going to be some golden tickets for fan-pit so I had to buy that one too, and it costed much more than the first one (returning the first one wasn't an option)! Anyway, the concert was cancelled so I got the money back. Needless to say that I didn't want it back, I was devastated! I guess my point is that over the years I spent the fortune on my CO and I know I'm not the only one so don't worry too much about the amount you spent for one thing that'll make you happy probably more than once. Just don't get used to it. It wouldn't be a good idea.

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Hi all, I'm here because I could really use some support right now.

I have a tumblr blog where I post about my favorite celebrity (I'm not linking to it here because it's NSFW) and specifically the character he played that I love. IRL, the celebrity is married with a young child (his first) despite being in his 60s, and in my opinion there's ample evidence that she trapped him with the pregnancy. I know I'm not alone in thinking this. I made a post tonight on my tumblr outlining the reasons I believe this, and one of my followers responded with a really nasty post calling me evil and accusing me of saying he hates his family (I said no such thing). 

I'm not so delusional that I really believe this guy would leave his family for me if I were to meet him and try to seduce him (of course I think about doing exactly that all the time, lol).  Adding to the drama, both me and this person write fanfiction about the character, and recently she posted a work that blatantly plagiarizes from several of my works. In her story, she describes an ex-wife of the character in terms that unmistakably identify her as a character I invented to represent myself in my stories (this person knows this). At the time, I sent her a message regarding the familiarity of her story and that I was hurt by the reference to my character. She admitted to the plagiarism but didn't say anything about the character.

I am upset because I worked hard in my post not to insult the celebrity or his wife, but just point out facts I had put together. He (and the character) have been so important to my life particularly since I stopped drinking alcohol, and I almost feel like something has happened in my "relationship" with him. 

Has anyone else ever felt this way?

 

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10 minutes ago, Lady Aspie said:

Hi all, I'm here because I could really use some support right now.

I have a tumblr blog where I post about my favorite celebrity (I'm not linking to it here because it's NSFW) and specifically the character he played that I love. IRL, the celebrity is married with a young child (his first) despite being in his 60s, and in my opinion there's ample evidence that she trapped him with the pregnancy. I know I'm not alone in thinking this. I made a post tonight on my tumblr outlining the reasons I believe this, and one of my followers responded with a really nasty post calling me evil and accusing me of saying he hates his family (I said no such thing). 

I'm not so delusional that I really believe this guy would leave his family for me if I were to meet him and try to seduce him (of course I think about doing exactly that all the time, lol).  Adding to the drama, both me and this person write fanfiction about the character, and recently she posted a work that blatantly plagiarizes from several of my works. In her story, she describes an ex-wife of the character in terms that unmistakably identify her as a character I invented to represent myself in my stories (this person knows this). At the time, I sent her a message regarding the familiarity of her story and that I was hurt by the reference to my character. She admitted to the plagiarism but didn't say anything about the character.

I am upset because I worked hard in my post not to insult the celebrity or his wife, but just point out facts I had put together. He (and the character) have been so important to my life particularly since I stopped drinking alcohol, and I almost feel like something has happened in my "relationship" with him. 

Has anyone else ever felt this way?

 

Some people get worked up if you say anything they construe as negative, even it wasn't meant to be hurtful. Another thing that could happen. The reader misinterpreted what you wrote. Was it crystal clear or ambiguous? Reread what you wrote and see if there was just a misunderstanding. 

As for the plagiarism. That could be a tricky one. Is this a possible legal issue? Or is it just annoying and you wish for her to stop? 

Good for you that you stopped drinking alcohol. I haven't touched the stuff for 17 years now. 

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10 hours ago, NCC said:

Some people get worked up if you say anything they construe as negative, even it wasn't meant to be hurtful. Another thing that could happen. The reader misinterpreted what you wrote. Was it crystal clear or ambiguous? Reread what you wrote and see if there was just a misunderstanding. 

As for the plagiarism. That could be a tricky one. Is this a possible legal issue? Or is it just annoying and you wish for her to stop? 

Good for you that you stopped drinking alcohol. I haven't touched the stuff for 17 years now. 

Hi and thanks for your reply! 

 That's a good point about if the post was misconstrued. I don't think that is the case as the nasty reply made it clear that she understood my original post. It was the personal attack on me and my love for the celebrity.

The plagiarism is not a legal issue because it involves fanfictions. Whereas before this I was content to let it be, I have now sent a report to the fanfic hosting website outlining the charges of plagiarism and asking them to have her take down the story.

There are no more replies to my post today although I appear to have lost another tumblr follower, oh well. Might delete the post but I don't want to give this person the satisfaction.

Yeah, I'm super proud that I stopped drinking alcohol. I was an alcoholic for most of my 20s and by 30 I realized it was going to ruin my life (and my husband threatened to leave) if I didn't get help. And I'm so much happier not having to worry about hangovers, saying the wrong things when drunk, ruining my marriage, being unable to be a parent (I don't have kids yet) ... It's great not to deal with all that.

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Last night I did some more research about Celebrity worship and obsession. I read a lot of medical text on the subject. There's a lot of stuff out there. It seems to have originated from the same source, though, so all of it is basically the same.  

Really reading this stuff is more frustrating than of any use. They have 3 conditions These were on a continuum and named (i) entertainment-social, (ii) intense-personal, and (iii) borderline pathological.  • The entertainment-social dimension relates to attitudes where individuals are attracted to a celebrity because of their perceived ability to entertain and to become a social focus of conversation with like minded others.  • The intense-personal dimension relates to individuals that have intensive and compulsive feelings about a celebrity.  • The borderline-pathological dimension relates to individuals who display uncontrollable behaviors and fantasies relating to a celebrity.  

Reading all this stuff makes us sound like we're delusional and have a lot of issues. The one thing about me personally is I've never followed celebs, I don't have a thing for them. I didn't pick Reina because she's a celeb. I fell for her because I really liked the way she looks and I like her personality. I didn't find her irresistible because she's famous. I just did, the first time I saw her I was hooked. She's could've been a blogger who was unknown, it didn't matter one bit. The only thing about her being a celeb is that I get to collect thousands of pictures of her. With an unknown person I couldn't do this. She could quit acting and modeling and go stock shelves at a store and I would still love her. I want her, not her career. 

The one thing that's mentioned in the literature I've read is this obsession is an unwanted problem. It can be for some, I've read posts here with this concern. But what about people such as me? I enjoy Reina. I like to think about her. She doesn't prevent me from doing anything. During my free time a lot of it dedicated to her, but so what? I'm not hurting anyone. I like being in love and I love Reina, so I will spend my time with her in my fantasy world. Giving her up is not an option. 

 If I'm delusional and I'm borderline-pathological, oh well. Reina awaits in my insane fantasy world, so off I go, to be with my Reina in my delusional world. The best part, it's better than the reality the psychologists are trying to impose on me. 

 

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@NCC Personally, I don't think any of that research is of any use to people like you and me....for the reason you posted here:

Quote

 The one thing that's mentioned in the literature I've read is this obsession is an unwanted problem. It can be for some, I've read posts here with this concern. But what about people such as me? I enjoy Reina. 

I enjoy my CO too (most of the time when I'm not stumbling upon unwanted information about him.)  All that other stuff that was said in that stuff you found, that doesn't apply to me either.  My CO isn't even a celebrity anymore -- it's difficult for me to even say "anymore."  Even at the height of his band's popularity, most people would not known the individual members of this band they way they knew the individual members of The Beatles, for example.  There is no "celebrity lifestyle" for me to dream about.  It's not and never was about that.  I've said many times, I would have fallen in love with him if he was working the drive-up at a fast food restaurant.  I don't care what his occupation or status is/was.  I fell in love with the way he looks...as you did with Reina.  I know little about my his personality.  I've heard him speak in a few interviews I've found online, and he seems to have a very nice personality.  I've heard he has a crazy sense of humor, and that's fine with me.  As long as his sense of humor wouldn't involve putting me down like someone else I know (*ahem*) it would be nice to be around a man like that. I wish I had more reasons to laugh in my life.  

Like you, my CO isn't preventing me from doing anything, and I'm not hurting anyone -- not even the man I'm married to, who is completely unaware that his wife is in love with another man she's never met.  (He's always too involved with his video games to notice what I'm up to, and he'd probably laugh if he knew.)  

I just Googled "Borderline Pathological" and all this stuff came up about Celebrity Worship Syndrome."  From what you say about your feelings for Reina, and what I know about myself, you and I do not have Celebrity Worship Syndrome.  You can forget about "borderline pathological" as a possible diagnosis.  There was someone on this board a long time ago (no longer here) who told me I'm delusional, and I laughed...I'm not delusional, I know exactly what I am and am not doing.  If there is any psychological diagnosis that applies to me with regard to this, it's maladaptive daydreaming (definitely) and I'm obsessive-compulsive about it.  Depression has also been a factor for the last 2-3 years at times.  Other than that, I'm perfectly normal (LOL)

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3 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

@NCC Personally, I don't think any of that research is of any use to people like you and me....for the reason you posted here:

I enjoy my CO too (most of the time when I'm not stumbling upon unwanted information about him.)  All that other stuff that was said in that stuff you found, that doesn't apply to me either.  My CO isn't even a celebrity anymore -- it's difficult for me to even say "anymore."  Even at the height of his band's popularity, most people would not known the individual members of this band they way they knew the individual members of The Beatles, for example.  There is no "celebrity lifestyle" for me to dream about.  It's not and never was about that.  I've said many times, I would have fallen in love with him if he was working the drive-up at a fast food restaurant.  I don't care what his occupation or status is/was.  I fell in love with the way he looks...as you did with Reina.  I know little about my his personality.  I've heard him speak in a few interviews I've found online, and he seems to have a very nice personality.  I've heard he has a crazy sense of humor, and that's fine with me.  As long as his sense of humor wouldn't involve putting me down like someone else I know (*ahem*) it would be nice to be around a man like that. I wish I had more reasons to laugh in my life.  

Like you, my CO isn't preventing me from doing anything, and I'm not hurting anyone -- not even the man I'm married to, who is completely unaware that his wife is in love with another man she's never met.  (He's always too involved with his video games to notice what I'm up to, and he'd probably laugh if he knew.)  

I just Googled "Borderline Pathological" and all this stuff came up about Celebrity Worship Syndrome."  From what you say about your feelings for Reina, and what I know about myself, you and I do not have Celebrity Worship Syndrome.  You can forget about "borderline pathological" as a possible diagnosis.  There was someone on this board a long time ago (no longer here) who told me I'm delusional, and I laughed...I'm not delusional, I know exactly what I am and am not doing.  If there is any psychological diagnosis that applies to me with regard to this, it's maladaptive daydreaming (definitely) and I'm obsessive-compulsive about it.  Depression has also been a factor for the last 2-3 years at times.  Other than that, I'm perfectly normal (LOL)

What I find interesting and funny is what is normal? I like a young lady, this is normal. Nature intended for people to be attracted to the opposite sex, so we can procreate.  However, she is someone who I found on the internet. Someone who I'll never be with. But I still have deep feelings for her. I desire her. I indulge myself with her presence. Now is wanting to be with someone who I find attractive delusional? Or does this make me insane? I think not. I do not want to stalk her or cause her any harm. Why would I? I feel like I love her, I want to be nice to her, not mean.  So if this is crazy, I don't know what to say.  There will be some people who think it's delusional to have such a fantasy in the first place. If it isn't hurting me or anyone else, and I like it. What possibly could be the problem? 

Celebrity Worship Syndrome is kind of a weird thing. It really doesn't apply to me. I don't worship Reina, she isn't divine. I don't put her on a different level than other women. After all, she's human, just like all of us. I really never found a medical site which even remotely described me. This obsession doesn't really fit anything I read. Sure, bits and pieces could apply, but not much. It does seem most of those sites are dealing with people who are having problems and want their obsession to disappear. I just want to find ways to be able to accept things when they come up. Nothing more. 

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@NCC Normal is certainly difficult to define or pin down, unless someone has an obvious mental disorder that would be considered dangerous to themselves or others. Physical self-harm or causing physical harm to others can't be considered normal, in my opinion only.  That's my personal definition.  Aside from that, everyone has different quirks and idiosyncrasies, habits, obsessions, etc. I told my therapist this very thing a week ago today, making my case for not "letting go." (I made a good case, too...and she saw things my way.) Your feelings for Reina are certainly normal, as are mine for my CO. The strange thing about me is how long it's gone on, I guess...and how deeply involved I got in the daydreams (to the point of literally not ever considering his actual situation in the "real" world for all that time.) 

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Hi, I joined this forum today because of this thread, so I hope it's OK that I just jump right in. I'm slowly working my way through the whole thread now. 

I'm an almost 40 year old woman, happily married for 11 years, together for 15, and have 2 kids. I've suffered depression and anxiety in the past and had the usual succession of teenage crushes on celebrities. But in the last week or two, I have become obsessed with one particular celebrity and living this fantasy life in my head, where we're together, he adores me, etc, etc. 

I came across this thread today because I was starting to feel worried that there was something really wrong with me. It's been massively reassuring to read that others do this, of all ages. I've told nobody else so it actually feels good to be able to say something to someone.

I'm going to carry on reading the thread and hopefully will be back to join in the discussion a bit more.

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Hey all.

I'm just stuck.

I actually miss my CO. I've scaled back my CO massively over the past few months. I only go to his Instagram about once a week and I have a photo album of pictures I've printed of him on my bed...but that's the extent of it these days.

I was telling my therapist this yesterday that I miss the thrill I used to get from seeing his new posts. It's like my life has actually gotten boring because I hold back.

I hate it, but I feel this is the way it has to be. I know if I allow myself to enjoy him, I'm going to be unable to control myself and make it worse than it was before. I guess this is my punishment for my behavior in the past. I hate it, but I have to accept it, I guess.

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@fabulousrockstar You're doing really well if going on your CO's Instagram once a week and looking at your photo album is the entire extent of your CO related checks! I've also scaled back my CO related checks and searches recently because they had become dangerously obsessive compulsive. I still do quite a bit more than what you're doing at the moment though! But I feel much more in control of my life now, and I hope you feel the same way.

It's sad though that you're finding life boring after scaling back your CO. Maybe you're not ready to give him up entirely, especially if you don't have anything/anybody to replace him with. This is why I can't give my CO up completely (my love life's a lost cause lol)! Until this changes, I think the key is to keep the obsession at a healthy level. Please don't try to punish yourself. If the amount of time you spend looking up your CO isn't enough for you at the moment, increase it slightly. Just as long as you stay in control of your obsession, you'll be fine.

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Hello... not posted on here for a long time.  Just feeling a bit melancholy today as I missed another chance to meet my CO :(  So I thought I'd post in the hope of making myself feel better as it's a silly thing to get upset about.

I've met her quite a few times but not for a while now so I'm getting a bit worried she won't remember me if I leave it too long.  It was an online auction to do with meeting my CO (amongst others) that I found out about 5 minutes before it ended and after panicking about whether or not to bid I made a mistake and waited too long and my bid didn't register!

It's probably for the best though to be honest because I won it the last time this particular kind of auction came up and they (or worse, my CO) might have been annoyed it was me again...

I shouldn't feel too bad though, as otherwise I've been doing quite well in my life (relationships etc.) compared to how it was when when I first posted!  I clearly get easily upset over CO matters :(

 

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So I have never posted in a forum before and created an account here just for this post. I'm so glad I'm not the only person out there like this! I realize now that I've obsessed on weird celebrity crushes for most of my childhood, it stopped in my teens and now at 24, it's back in full swing. It started last weekend, I went out to a club with my best friend, had a great time, came home and started winding down on the couch. I put in my headphones and started listening to my CO's album, and I couldn't stop. Maybe it was the alcohol, but I started crying on the couch listening to rap music (ugh, so humiliating). I start imagining being his girlfriend, our life together, and it was fun. I went to sleep, and the next day I felt some emotional attachment (similar to if you have a dream about someone and then feel differently about them when you wake up). At work, I catch myself imagining a life with this rapper. Seriously, it's insane. Fantasizing and daydreaming is making me happy, but realizing the impossibility of it ever being real leaves me crushed. I start to feel extremely critical of myself and majorly inadequate and depressed. Is this happening to anyone else?

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fabulousrockstar

I guess you have to do what's best for you. What brought you to your decision to cut back on your CO? You say you enjoy him and now you find life boring without indulging in him. 

 

For me personally I'm at the stage in my obsession where I feel the need to indulge myself. I enjoy it immensely.  For example, yesterday I spent about 14 hours on the computer, most of it was looking for more pictures of Reina, my obsession. And I found some good ones. :Party_fest30: There's a modeling company who she works for that has a website. About 3 times a week more pictures of her get released. And I found more videos of her which I spent time grabbing captures. Labor of love I guess. I get the point of cutting down, if you feel the obsession gets in the way of doing things, then by all means cut back. For me, it's what I want to do at the moment. 

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41 minutes ago, Whoiwasallalong said:

So I have never posted in a forum before and created an account here just for this post. I'm so glad I'm not the only person out there like this! I realize now that I've obsessed on weird celebrity crushes for most of my childhood, it stopped in my teens and now at 24, it's back in full swing. It started last weekend, I went out to a club with my best friend, had a great time, came home and started winding down on the couch. I put in my headphones and started listening to my CO's album, and I couldn't stop. Maybe it was the alcohol, but I started crying on the couch listening to rap music (ugh, so humiliating). I start imagining being his girlfriend, our life together, and it was fun. I went to sleep, and the next day I felt some emotional attachment (similar to if you have a dream about someone and then feel differently about them when you wake up). At work, I catch myself imagining a life with this rapper. Seriously, it's insane. Fantasizing and daydreaming is making me happy, but realizing the impossibility of it ever being real leaves me crushed. I start to feel extremely critical of myself and majorly inadequate and depressed. Is this happening to anyone else?

Welcome to the board.

I used to feel that way when I was your age, now i accept my lot in life. With that said I enjoy my CO much more than I would if I focused on the negative. Sure, sometimes it's frustrating because I'm devoting so much time and energy into someone I'll never be with. I've accepted that though. So in my head the time I spend looking at her pictures or videos I feel like I'm with her. It's the best I can do right now. 

2 hours ago, NathanBarley said:

Hello... not posted on here for a long time.  Just feeling a bit melancholy today as I missed another chance to meet my CO :(  So I thought I'd post in the hope of making myself feel better as it's a silly thing to get upset about.

I've met her quite a few times but not for a while now so I'm getting a bit worried she won't remember me if I leave it too long.  It was an online auction to do with meeting my CO (amongst others) that I found out about 5 minutes before it ended and after panicking about whether or not to bid I made a mistake and waited too long and my bid didn't register!

It's probably for the best though to be honest because I won it the last time this particular kind of auction came up and they (or worse, my CO) might have been annoyed it was me again...

I shouldn't feel too bad though, as otherwise I've been doing quite well in my life (relationships etc.) compared to how it was when when I first posted!  I clearly get easily upset over CO matters :(

 

Yes, CO's can make us upset if we hear the wrong thing or something like what you said. I would love to have a chance to meet my CO, but that's not likely, unless I go to Japan. Maybe someday, but we shall see. 

But anyway, it's good you seem to have your life in order. However you do it, that's what we all want.

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I seriously dont know what I'm supposed to do, what I'm expected to feel. After more than 15 years, I cannot have this fantasy anymore. Now that I know what I know, I can't even think about looking at her without feeling small, defeated, jealous, angry and like a loser on the outside looking in. How can I not hate celebrities when I'm dying with everything in my soul for ONE day with this girl and have been all my life and somebody else could just come along and get it with 1/4 of the effort id have to cuz I'm not famous. No matter how much I fix my self esteem, there will always be one person that I won't be able to think of without feeling pain and without feeling small. I'm the one who is confined to fantasy and I'm still the one always getting hurt. and yes, maybe I do have a great life at home and a family that alot of people can only dream of, but since this crush I've had on Mila turned into an obsession in January 2015, its turned everything so upside down, made me feel so conflicted and so depressed about the reality of it all, I haven't been able to enjoy that like I used to either. That's ALSO been taken from me. So how can I not hate her? No matter how much pain she causes me, she never knows..never suffers.. I grew to love the fantasy relationship I had with Mila and watching her despite what id have to endure to see something she's in and even though I never got the real thing, I'm still the one who lost everything and feel more hurt than if I was in an actual breakup. I am always the butt of the joke. How can I not be angry?

I understand that from the perspective of many, when you truly love somebody, you can be happy that they're happy even if its not with you and I am just not that guy. I can't do it. I want it too badly. I've craved for her to know me and to know what holding her and kissing her and hear her actually speak TO ME for so long now, I just can't take that feeling of just being another admirer now. Because I know I was her GREATEST admirer and I'm the one who cant vocalize a single thing about it. Knowing her and getting to experience what being her boyfriend would be like has been my #1 desire in life since 1998. To be no closer to her than that day in 1998..that alone can wear on your sanity. All I will ever notice now if I watch her is the screen between us. And thoughts of another man being with her..a man I HATE. I just can't. The fantasy is over.

I'll never be able to send the letter I worked tirelessly to make perfect for you, Mila so I'm just going to hope in the rest of your days of life that maybe ONE of those days, you may end up here and read this. You have turned my life upside down for almost 2 years and I will never be the same. You will never know what you do to me. There is nothing another person on tv could do that would make me melt like the simple sound of your voice or even a hair flip or bat of the eyes from you could do. I hope if there is an afterlife, its reincarnation so I can spend my next life making sure I get you. Mila Kunis, you will always be my greatest fascination, deepest obsession, and I will forever be a slave to your charm and pained by the reality of your life unless I stay completely away from you. I just hope you end up here for some reason one day so you at least will know I exist. Its all I ever wanted. Coming from someone who has otherwise never given two craps about celebrities AT ALL, you have changed my life. You are so perfect in every way and I hope that somehow I can stop worshipping you. Farewell to a fantasy and a dead dream.

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Hello everyone! Pleased to say I feel like I have this obsession under control now for the first time in a long while. Cutting back on the internet has been a very helpful thing to do, but it seems I'm compensating for that by daydreaming even more. Oh well, I like the daydreaming more than the internet searches so can't complain really!

Still worried about the possibility of never having a decent love life. It's something that feels so unattainable, almost even more unattainable than being with my CO, mad as that sounds. My counsellor said it's a better idea for me to look for someone I'd like to spend time with, take things a step at a time and see where things go from there, rather than trying to find someone I'd like to marry. But I haven't yet managed to even do that, maybe because no one would want to spend time with me... 

Not as stressed about possibly seeing my CO next week as I would be, because I have more important things to be upset and worried about unfortunately... Because of the awful EU referendum result, I will now have to apply for the citizenship and passport of another country in order to have the future career I want. Although I'm eligible for this citizenship, it will be a lengthy and difficult process to get it. All this is thanks to people who have no plans to live/work/study in other European countries like I do. Sorry for the political rant but I'm mad as hell about this!

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@nothingatall7766 It sounds to me like you're in great need of help at the moment. It's possible that the constant painful fantasies you're having could be the result of OCD or something similar, and a mental health professional would be able to help you find techniques to deal with that. You say you have a great family life - you deserve to be able to enjoy and appreciate that as much as possible. I think the only way of achieving that is to work on banishing those painful, intrusive thoughts you're having.

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