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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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3 hours ago, urivgirl86 said:

What I'm about to say has nothing really to do with him. Since Monday I have woken up feeling okay but not hungry. I have at times been hungry but not really. I've ate sort of healthy throughout the week and didn't eat at night. Today I woke up not hungry but felt really tired and needed a jolt of energy and didn't want to get sick from not eating so I ate breakfast. I sometimes don't eat breakfast in the morning but then feel hunger to eat again but haven't. I don't feel anything. I don't see what the point is in life anymore let alone romance. I'm a Christian and believe in what The Bible says and with all of the things written in The Bible being fulfilled everyday and with the way things are going as far as political and social in regards to women & children and privacy I don't look at men the same way.  I have nothing against their gender. It's not their fault. We live in a sinful world. I just don't see romance as a viable option anymore.

You all may have known but when I was little I didn't want to be a wife & mother. I wanted to be in the entertainment industry and maybe perhaps this one certain individual would give me the time of day as they say. I saw several videos on YouTube the other day claiming that celebrities are being cloned or either who you think is a man is really a woman and the women are really men or they're being killed and replaced by synthetic versions of themselves. I'm not hating on anyone I don't know if these individuals are telling the truth or they just took the nighttime Dayquill PM instead of Dayquill AM which tastes horrible either way but it scared me straight. It made me think: What if this was real? What if these people aren't playing? What if in order to sell your soul they have to **** you and they recreate you and they've been fooling us all? It made me sad and scared but to be honest with you - it made me feel very free in case it was true. They even talked about several famous men who I have liked (him included) and it scared me to death. It showed how celebrities are under this certain mind control thing and how everything is and its scary you guys. After I watched the videos I had a peace the passes all understanding but I still felt shook up.

I just feel like something is so empty inside of me. I'm not hungry anymore. I'm thankful and grateful for each and everyday and every breath. I'm human. I get upset. I get angry. My hormones don't always obey the Holy Spirit. I get angry at myself over that. I feel like something is happening to me and maybe its all for the best. Why would I not be hungry anymore? I'm actually glad I saw those videos because either way as I said it did set me straight. The Lord did. It was like he let me see it and then once I saw it either way I decided I didn't want anything to do with anyone or anything in it but then sometimes The Lord has specifically asked me to pray for certain individuals. He's woke me up to pray over people who don't know me and I don't know them and in that moment its about going to war with the enemy. It ain't about how cute I think you are, being famous, your songs, your dance moves, it's about doing business with God and can I attest that it's always been during the night? Nothing good happens after midnight guys. It's not about me. I'm just sharing what The Lord has been doing in and out my life throughout after Michael Jackson's death in 2009. This shift inside of me started then but it wasn't until a few years later this intercessory prayer started happening. It's not about being famous, singing a song, traveling the world. I on't know what this or what this is leading to do I just felt a need to share with you guys. I hope you all understand.

Just one thing: I know you've been conflicted about romance from time to time, and I know your strong Christian values make you think you have to give up on love altogether. You must realize that there are Christian men who are looking for Christian women just like you. You don't have to compromise your values to find the right partner in this life, urivgirl. You just have to look in the right place. There are online Christian dating sites I believe. Have you ever looked into that? You certainly don't have to do anything you don't want to do, but maybe you could just go out for lunch with someone with no other obligations? Just to see if the two of you have anything else in common? Chances are, he's lonely too. 

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No. I'm good. I'm not interested in dating as I said with all the biblical prophecies being fulfilled everyday I don't see the point of romance. I'm angry at myself because I feel like what if I missed out in life? What if this man was meant to be something? I truly feel at times like maybe I was meant to have gone - and seen what this was all about as to why I felt so strongly for Usher. I feel like I've failed God and everyone because before he came along I had dreams of singing and being famous and when he came along everything changed but then I see him and I see his children and I realize I didn't know what the whole point of this was to begin with but couldn't shake what or why I was feeling as I did but didn't feel all the time like it was wrong. I was made up in my mind for a long time but by the time I actually got old enough to do anything I did nothing. I couldn't just leave all I knew and set out to find out what this meant only for it to not mean at least something. I just feel like I've lost my way but I'm finding completeness in Jesus. It doesn't require anyone else. Life is not about falling in love, getting married, having children or maybe it is. I don't know anymore. All I can bank on is my faith and even at that I sometimes feel all alone in the world. I lost him but maybe its all for the best because apparently I wasn't mature enough though I felt as though the whole time I was being prepared for something in regards to him but was unsure of myself and everyone's expectations of me.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm lost. I feel so completely gone and removed but apparently it's all good. All we need is Jesus. Only Jesus can satisfy. You don't need anyone just Jesus. He did say to be holy, you can't follow him unless the love you have for him outweighs your love for those around you, take up your cross and follow Him, put to death the lusts of the flesh, **** your flesh, out of the heart comes the lust of the flesh.  I guess we're going to have to go back in time with Doctor Who and get after Moses for marrying that Ethiopian lady too aren't we? Wow. I'm really screwed up. All because I did not do what I thought I should have done but then when I look at his life all I would have done is caused harm.

Edited by urivgirl86
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@urivgirl86 people have been saying biblical prophecies have been fulfilled for thousands of years, and they have! They will continue to be, but you were put here for a purpose: TO LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. Only God knows exactly when He will call this world to end. Until then, we all have to do our best to live as He would want us to. Otherwise, we're just making ourselves miserable for no reason, and I really do not believe God wants that for us. He gave us too many gifts.  He gave us arms to hold someone. Lips to kiss someone. All of those things are good and very pleasurable with the right person. He gave us reproductive organs so we might have children! If you choose not to, that is your right, but don't put that on God. Who are we to decide that we know better what God wants from us? As long as you aren't committing a biblical sin, I don't see a problem with falling in love, getting married, and having children! (Isn't that in the Bible, over and over? Didn't Jesus turn water into w!ne at a wedding ceremony?) 

Edited by Audrey822
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Yes he did turn water into w!ne but it was not the same as it is used today. You're right. He did give us gifts and I'm sure with the right person and in the context in marriage it would be quite nice but as of right now all of my desires for the opposite sex are gone or at least put to death until or if I find someone who would like to marry me. It's only right. I can't be lusting because that's clearly a biblical sin. We're taught to live by the spirit not by the flesh. He may not come back for a 1,000 years and then what becomes of me? I don't know. I guess in a way it's good that I'm so spiritually minded 24/7 but there's no room for me to be human. We're born sinful and that's why we have to be born again to accept Christ. He does know what's best for me and you and everyone I just have hard time grasping the whole concept of love, dating, relationships, marriage, children because at the same time we have to be ready 24/7 in case He could come at any moment so I'm basically cracking up at this point. I know He doesn't want us to be miserable but doesn't He care more about us being holy rather than being happy? I don't see myself being involved with anyone if at any moment we have to be ready lest we be left behind because when we die where end up and what we did or didn't do is all that matters.

Edited by urivgirl86
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I just don't respond to the notion and idea of romantic love or at least the way its always been portrayed in films and songs anymore. All that is someone else's stories of how things went along in their lives displayed for everyone. I have nothing against the opposite gender I just don't see how having a man in my life is going to make everything better or at least make me happier because life is not about being happy its about learning to do for others and cast yourself aside and your dreams and desires and wishes because its about being in total obedience to Him and His Will except I have no idea of what that is for me.

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16 minutes ago, urivgirl86 said:

I just don't respond to the notion and idea of romantic love or at least the way its always been portrayed in films and songs anymore. All that is someone else's stories of how things went along in their lives displayed for everyone. I have nothing against the opposite gender I just don't see how having a man in my life is going to make everything better or at least make me happier because life is not about being happy its about learning to do for others and cast yourself aside and your dreams and desires and wishes because its about being in total obedience to Him and His Will except I have no idea of what that is for me.

Films and love songs are unrealistic.  Idealistic, really.  I think that's always been true.  They portray things better than real-life in many cases, and gloss over real life problems that couples have. (It's not reality TV after all!)  If you go into a relationship expecting things to be the way you see them in movies, it's bound to fail (at least that's my opinion.)

 

Quote

 doesn't He care more about us being holy rather than being happy?

It doesn't have to be one or the other.  In a loving, relationship, where both of you are Christians living biblically, it can be both.  

Edited by Audrey822
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I know that. I just am tired. I feel so lost even though I know I didn't lose anything and what I did give up was for the best I was afraid to let go and now that I have let go of him I feel like  a whole new woman and everything is going to be OK. Thank you for being so kind to me. The thing is it still jolts me like I did the wrong thing by not finding out about him & my dreams but I can't go on like that. I have to leave it behind and begin a new chapter & I'm excited. 

Edited by urivgirl86
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Well, I do not see getting over Reina anytime soon, nor do I want to., I think she will be with me for a long time. 

With that said I want to make my relationship with Reina as painless as possible. So I went looking at other sites about celebrity obsessions or worship. Maybe I would find some good advice or just a little something which would help. Nope, I found nothing of any worth, just useless to almost laughable information.

The only thing I read which would work if you wanted your celeb out of your life is going cold turkey.  For me, that's not an option. I enjoy Reina, i love Reina, I just want my relationship with her to be as painless as possible. So no dice, I'm going to enjoy her, not banish her into oblivion. 

Now the other ones. 'Try to think of them as human, your celeb isn't a god or goddess." No kidding. I never thought Reina as nothing more than a human female.  She isn't a goddess to me. She's a precious young lady. 

"Your celeb isn't perfect." No, Reina isn't perfect. Her bottom teeth are slightly crooked. She has knobby knees and she's kind of skinny.  She's not perfect, which is another reason why I'm attracted to her. I find her so called faults, beautiful.  They make her seem more real to me. 

"Imagine your celeb on the toilet, after that you won't like them anymore" Really? Reina is human, she has human and female bodily functions. Going to the bathroom is one of them. How could I possibly dislike Reina for being what she is? A female human.  I would love it if Reina was in my bathroom right now. If she was, she would be mine. 

"Your celeb like everyone else has morning breath when they wake up." So. If I had the chance to smell Reina's morning breath that would mean  I was in an intimate relationship with her.  I would love to smell her morning breath. Or see her hair looking goofy or scary when she wakes up. I have no delusions she's nothing but a human. Like all of us, she has faults, and a lot of these are not faults, it's just the way we all are. 

"Your celeb can have a bad day and be ornery."  Well, so can I. I wouldn't expect Reina or anyone for that matter not to have a bad day, or be annoyed about something. I'm sure if I was with her there would be things we disagree on. After all, that's what it's like in a relationship. 

There were more of these bits of useless advice. But what gets me, is how is this going to help someone? Sure, maybe some people see there celeb as almost divine, a perfect human. I'm just not a celeb worshiper so this kind of advice isn't for me.  To me Reina is human. After all, I like human females, not aliens, goats, pencils, or a clump of grass.  I do not think Reina is a goddess or a demi goddess. I love her if she's wearing a dress, a bathing suit or nothing at all. I love her if she's  sitting on the toilet or riding a bike.. If she's sick as a dog and hiding under the covers? Yes, I still love her. i even love her if she gets a  big red pimple on the tip of her nose.Heck, I love her if her stomach is making funny sounds and she burps.  In sickness and health, I love her and will forever. 

BTW, it was interesting reading those other sites, even if they're useless.  Which makes me appreciate this site more. It's the only good one concerning celeb obsessions. 

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I am speechless. I have talked myself to death. I wake up in the middle of the night and my first thought is that by not fulfilling my dreams of being in the entertainment industry and recognizing what was in my heart I have made the biggest mistake. I don't regret him. I've only been drawn to one person and I resisted it in fear of what others may have thought and all I did was show that apparently I'm a failure after all. 

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@NCC I'm pretty sure I've seen that site you're talking about.  There were times when I felt like I was going to lose my mind over this, and I went looking for anything that might be able to help me.  You're right, this is the only worthwhile place on the Internet...the only place at all where anyone will understand what I'm going through and not try to talk me out of it.

Bear with me...I have a story to tell.  I've been wanting to tell all of you this for awhile because I'm very scared...for two reasons. 

Ever since that incident a couple of months ago  (I vaguely referred to it, but couldn't be specific at the time because I was in too much pain...I was trying to talk about it as little as possible) my therapist seems to be trying to get me to give up -- let go -- just a little -- on my CO.  

First, I should explain what happened, but I'm going to "hide" it because I don't want to see it every day that I come here.  Click "Reveal hidden contents" to read it:

 

I belong to a fan group of my CO's band.  Someone posted a link to a photo gallery where some professional photos of the band were published...pics from the late 60s & early 70s.  The pics were awesome, until I got to one that broke my heart in a million pieces.  It was bad enough to read about my CO's marriages when I came across that information in 2013; somehow I didn't even realize that my CO could have been married  (he'd already been divorced twice by then -- his marriages took place between 1966-ish and 1980-ish.) But there, in that photo gallery, was a picture of my CO and his #2.  It was a lovely picture of him, good Lord, I'd never seen a picture of him shirtless before -- I would have loved to scratch her out of the picture.  He was standing behind her in a very "protective" pose with his arm on her shoulder -- I'll never forget it, it's burned in my brain.  This happened about near midnight on Saturday/Sunday.  I had an appointment with my therapist about 36 hours later.  Of course I told her all about it (and I have to give props to @Seeker2 here...she figuratively held my hand via emails all through the next morning...I don't know what I would have done without her support.)  

My therapist and I had a long talk about the 5 stages of grief that day....because she said that's what I was feeling:  grief.  And that I would have to come to "acceptance" -- the final stage of grief -- before I'd have peace.  I walked out of her office with an idea for acceptance.  The main thing I was grieving was what this image burned into my brain would do to my sweet alter-ego -- the one who saved me so many times and who I married to my CO many, many years ago.  Seeing him with another woman in my mind was never, ever supposed to happen.  When I read about his marriages 2-1/2 years ago, I made the decision to ignore it and pretend it never happened.  This wouldn't be as easy...there was an image that wouldn't go away.  I decided that I'd have to adjust my timeline -- as much as I hated to do it -- HATED TO DO IT.  I'd write a story as I often do. I'd make the woman in the picture a girlfriend of his when my alter meets him; the picture could exist, but he would break up with this loser after he meets my alter ego.  Of course he's still going to fall in love with my alter ego, marry her, and live happily ever after the way the fairy tale romance was always supposed to be in the mind of the 11 year old girl who first thought of it (me.)  So that's what I did.  I wrote that story. I didn't lay the loser imagery on the woman too thick...(if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.)  It worked.  A couple of days of absorbing the story that way, I got OK.  And then I trashed it.  I went back to my original timeline where this woman does NOT exist.  Yeah, the image is still in my head...nothing I can do about that.  But it's been neutralized, because when I see it, I think:  LOSER

The next time I went to therapy, I was very proud of myself...I was all set to tell my therapist I had accepted the situation.  And I was at peace, just like she said I would be.  Oh no, not so fast, she said.  You realize, don't you, that you're not really accepting things for what they are....right?  I looked at her like she just landed from Mars.  How much can you ask of one person??  In that session was the first time she mentions "maybe you could think about loosening your grip on this narrative (the story of my CO and alter ego) just a little bit?"  I told her I doubted that I could.  She reminded me of something she tells me often "What you resist, persists."  Yeah, so?  I want it to persist.  I've got the situation under control now.  

That was two sessions ago.  In my last session, I told her I'd made no progress on that...I made the mistake of telling her that my CO is not my only obsession; there's one other that I'm just as obsessed about (my football team) and I would have nothing without both of those things in my life....my CO and my football team.  She didn't seem to like this, that I said "I'd have nothing."  But it's true:  those are the two things that bring me joy...why do I need to apologize for that?  My children are grown now, they don't need me anymore.  If they didn't see me for 3 years, they'd be just fine.  It's me who would have nothing without my CO and my football team to bring me joy now.  She told me I need to give some thought to that...what if I didn't have either of those in my life anymore?  My question is, why do you think she wants me to think of this?  Why do I need to think of this?  Everybody has something.  Why can't I have these two things?  

Here's what scares me:  I'm finding it easier to talk about his marriages now.  Not easy, but easier.   I never  wanted to acknowledge them at all. There was a time when I couldn't at all.  Therapist would probably say this is progress.  It doesn't feel that way to me.   

If you respond to me, please don't mention her.  I'm not that strong yet.  Vague terms only.   Thanks.

Edited by Audrey822
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I don't see how I can be holy & happy. God is supposed to be everything and I've not always done that. I'm an imperfect human being. I am probably not going to be coming  back  on here anymore. None of this has as much to do with him as it is to myself, God and the opposite sex. I don't see how I can pray, read, study The Bible, be fully devoted to God and one day allow myself to be in love. I don't think it's worth it because I can't belong to Christ  and be attracted to a man and be fully committed to Jesus  while being commited to a man.

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6 minutes ago, urivgirl86 said:

I don't see how I can be holy & happy. God is supposed to be everything and I've not always done that. I'm an imperfect human being. I am probably not going to be coming  back  on here anymore. None of this has as much to do with him as it is to myself, God and the opposite sex. I don't see how I can pray, read, study The Bible, be fully devoted to God and one day allow myself to be in love. I don't think it's worth it because I can't belong to Christ  and be attracted to a man and be fully committed to Jesus  while being commited to a man.

God is supposed to be good and caring, though. You should be able to do what makes you happy. As long as you don't hurt anyone, no one can say you're a bad person for following your heart. I don't think it's healthy to deny yourself love because you're worried how it will affect your religion.

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Audrey822,

I will respond to your post But first I want to talk about something important that concerns us all. 

Some of you may know about that young celeb from the Voice  Christina Grimmie. She was shot and killed last night. As of this writing, there's very little detail about the shooter.

Hearing this, my mind was spinning with questions. Was the shooter one of us? Was this an obsessed fan who couldn't take it anymore and snapped?  Was Christina an obsession for someone who posts here?  I even thought, what if this was Reina? How would I take it? Because of my feelings for Reina, this hits closer to home than it would normally would've. I feel a little sad for Christina and her family. Stuff like this shouldn't happen.  All she did was try to bring a little beauty to the world. She wasn't a politician or a greedy CEO who ruins lives, she was an entertainer. Someone who brings happiness to us. Now she's gone because of some guy who felt he needed to erase her from existence. I hope she lives on through her music.

RIP Christina Grimmie.

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53 minutes ago, verDominai said:

God is supposed to be good and caring, though. You should be able to do what makes you happy. As long as you don't hurt anyone, no one can say you're a bad person for following your heart. I don't think it's healthy to deny yourself love because you're worried how it will affect your religion.

@urivgirl86  ^^This is what I keep saying.  This is good advice.  Please consider it. 

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@NCC I heard about that awful news this morning...the young girl from The Voice.  How tragic.  I didn't consider it could be someone from here but you never know I guess.  We talked about whether anyone here could be a possible stalker not too long ago...I remember I answered that question and I don't remember who asked it (was it you?)  I remember saying I don't get that feeling from anyone here, but you really just never know, do you?  I guess they wouldn't let on, or maybe they just snap at that one tragic moment.  That poor girl was only 22 years old....RIP

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All I mean is that yes he wants us to be happy but more importantly what He wants is for me to desire Him and strive to be like Him more then anyone or anything else. I can love my neighbor but the love I have for father, mother, brother, etc must be equal to hate. He doesn't say to hate people but the you have for them is more than the love you have for Him then I cannot be his disciple.

None of this had to do with Usher. I let him go and I just have to realize that I made a different and difficult choice. One that has worked out for both he & I in the long run. I love him. I can't love him the way I long intended to because he's  married and I wish him all the best. I'll leave it at that.

Edited by urivgirl86
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3 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

 

@NCC I'm pretty sure I've seen that site you're talking about.  There were times when I felt like I was going to lose my mind over this, and I went looking for anything that might be able to help me.  You're right, this is the only worthwhile place on the Internet...the only place at all where anyone will understand what I'm going through and not try to talk me out of it.

Bear with me...I have a story to tell.  I've been wanting to tell all of you this for awhile because I'm very scared...for two reasons. 

Ever since that incident a couple of months ago  (I vaguely referred to it, but couldn't be specific at the time because I was in too much pain...I was trying to talk about it as little as possible) my therapist seems to be trying to get me to give up -- let go -- just a little -- on my CO.  

First, I should explain what happened, but I'm going to "hide" it because I don't want to see it every day that I come here.  Click "Reveal hidden contents" to read it:

  Reveal hidden contents

I belong to a fan group of my CO's band.  Someone posted a link to a photo gallery where some professional photos of the band were published...pics from the late 60s & early 70s.  The pics were awesome, until I got to one that broke my heart in a million pieces.  It was bad enough to read about my CO's marriages when I came across that information in 2013; somehow I didn't even realize that my CO could have been married  (he'd already been divorced twice by then -- his marriages took place between 1966-ish and 1980-ish.) But there, in that photo gallery, was a picture of my CO and his #2.  It was a lovely picture of him, good Lord, I'd never seen a picture of him shirtless before -- I would have loved to scratch her out of the picture.  He was standing behind her in a very "protective" pose with his arm on her shoulder -- I'll never forget it, it's burned in my brain.  This happened about near midnight on Saturday/Sunday.  I had an appointment with my therapist about 36 hours later.  Of course I told her all about it (and I have to give props to @Seeker2 here...she figuratively held my hand via emails all through the next morning...I don't know what I would have done without her support.)  

My therapist and I had a long talk about the 5 stages of grief that day....because she said that's what I was feeling:  grief.  And that I would have to come to "acceptance" -- the final stage of grief -- before I'd have peace.  I walked out of her office with an idea for acceptance.  The main thing I was grieving was what this image burned into my brain would do to my sweet alter-ego -- the one who saved me so many times and who I married to my CO many, many years ago.  Seeing him with another woman in my mind was never, ever supposed to happen.  When I read about his marriages 2-1/2 years ago, I made the decision to ignore it and pretend it never happened.  This wouldn't be as easy...there was an image that wouldn't go away.  I decided that I'd have to adjust my timeline -- as much as I hated to do it -- HATED TO DO IT.  I'd write a story as I often do. I'd make the woman in the picture a girlfriend of his when my alter meets him; the picture could exist, but he would break up with this loser after he meets my alter ego.  Of course he's still going to fall in love with my alter ego, marry her, and live happily ever after the way the fairy tale romance was always supposed to be in the mind of the 11 year old girl who first thought of it (me.)  So that's what I did.  I wrote that story. I didn't lay the loser imagery on the woman too thick...(if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.)  It worked.  A couple of days of absorbing the story that way, I got OK.  And then I trashed it.  I went back to my original timeline where this woman does NOT exist.  Yeah, the image is still in my head...nothing I can do about that.  But it's been neutralized, because when I see it, I think:  LOSER

The next time I went to therapy, I was very proud of myself...I was all set to tell my therapist I had accepted the situation.  And I was at peace, just like she said I would be.  Oh no, not so fast, she said.  You realize, don't you, that you're not really accepting things for what they are....right?  I looked at her like she just landed from Mars.  How much can you ask of one person??  In that session was the first time she mentions "maybe you could think about loosening your grip on this narrative (the story of my CO and alter ego) just a little bit?"  I told her I doubted that I could.  She reminded me of something she tells me often "What you resist, persists."  Yeah, so?  I want it to persist.  I've got the situation under control now.  

That was two sessions ago.  In my last session, I told her I'd made no progress on that...I made the mistake of telling her that my CO is not my only obsession; there's one other that I'm just as obsessed about (my football team) and I would have nothing without both of those things in my life....my CO and my football team.  She didn't seem to like this, that I said "I'd have nothing."  But it's true:  those are the two things that bring me joy...why do I need to apologize for that?  My children are grown now, they don't need me anymore.  If they didn't see me for 3 years, they'd be just fine.  It's me who would have nothing without my CO and my football team to bring me joy now.  She told me I need to give some thought to that...what if I didn't have either of those in my life anymore?  My question is, why do you think she wants me to think of this?  Why do I need to think of this?  Everybody has something.  Why can't I have these two things?  

Here's what scares me:  I'm finding it easier to talk about his marriages now.  Not easy, but easier.   I never  wanted to acknowledge them at all. There was a time when I couldn't at all.  Therapist would probably say this is progress.  It doesn't feel that way to me.   

If you respond to me, please don't mention her.  I'm not that strong yet.  Vague terms only.   Thanks.

I'm responding to my own post...but I forgot to mention that my next appointment with my therapist is this coming Monday... less than two days away.  @Seeker2 gave me some advice, good advice, about how to handle it with her....but I'm just scared about everything.  I told that woman when I first saw her that I do not want to give up my CO ... I was only coming to her because of the pain I felt due to the information I learned in 2013 (see hidden contents.)  She didn't really help about that, I had to help myself...and I did.  What helped was to block certain things on Facebook and discipline myself from doing certain Google searches.  Bingo, I stopped stumbling on most stuff and had time to heal.  For awhile, I was doing very well...I thought the places I was only going to were very safe.  Until they weren't (see hidden contents.)  I'll be OK, I figured this out by myself again.  But I don't want my therapist trying to pressure me to give this man up.  I'm going to take Seeker's advice which was to just tell her not that I don't want to give him up,  but just to say "I'm not ready" which will probably more likely get her off my back (knowing my therapist as I do, I feel very confident that Seeker's right about that.)  But I really don't want it to come up again.  I want her to realize she's working for me...I'm her client, not the other way around.  I told her I don't want to give him up so stop trying to put that in my head.  

 

it's bad enough that now I'm accepting things about his marriages.  I never wanted to accept that.  I never wanted to acknowledge that.  I don't find it peaceful.  I'm worried that it's going to affect my fantasy in a negative way. Is there anything anyone can say to me to help??????

I feel like I'm hyperventilating just typing this.  Can you imagine how long I've loved this man?  49 years out of 60!!  How can anyone expect me to give him up??  Who would I be without him?  What would I be?  I don't remember who I was before I first saw his face.  She's got to be kidding me.   Yes....I'm very scared at just the idea of that. 

Edited by Audrey822
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Audrey822,

What your therapist is asking is nothing more than a suggestion. She see's you're stressed. She believes your trigger is your CO. She even probably believes this is a cognitive distortion. But it seems letting go for you is impossible. I know I'm not going to let go when it comes to Reina. I enjoy her too much for that to happen.

I understand how you feel about the picture you mentioned. If I read some rumor about Reina I want to do bad things to that person. Thinking that way brought me here in the first place. What's funny or sad depending on how you look at it. The guys I've seen pictures of Reina with were nothing but scenes in shows or movies she's been in. So sometimes I get stressed over nothing. As for the picture that you saw. It happened many years ago, it's really not very relevant anymore. Still, it can hurt though. The one thing that can cause misery with a CO is seeing them with someone else. 

Is it easy just to toss what you've seen to the side and forget it? No, it isn't.  I still can see the guy's face clearly in my head who was rumored to be dating Reina. I have an irrational dislike for him.  So I avoid looking him up on Google, I try not thinking about the situation and for the most part it works. The only good thing is that I haven't seen any pictures of them together. And no, i'm not going to look either. Ignorance is bliss in this situation. 

The only thing is that I can suggest is try to forget that picture. Find things about him that are safe and focus on that. If you do the pain will lessen a bit. It will always be  lurking, it's learning to live with it is the key. If you can accept that picture happened and there's nothing that you can do about it you will feel better. 

It's either find a way to live with it or try to banish your CO into oblivion. For you, the only answer is to try to live with it. You will enjoy your CO if you do. 

Like you, I'm hopelessly in love with my CO. Trying to forget her is not an option. So I wish you good luck with your journey. Acceptance is the key your happiness concerning CO's. 

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After watching on BET The Life of Usher something has risen to my conscience by divine intervention. I like Usher. I like him as an artist, I like him as an individual, I still like him but I liked him in a unique way that no other man will ever catch my attention the same way nor cause stars in my eyes the same way nor will I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks thinking I've destroyed my life but not on him that's  a result  of my indecisiveness  but all in all as much  as I have been infatuated I have grown many ways as an individual & human being because of the love I had for him. I am so happy & proud of him in his achievements in life as an artist and to see him with his love & his children is priceless. I don't know what you would  call all of this in my life but it's been a journey. The way you want things and what someone else needs are two different things. You may not be able to love them the way they deserve. It's not wrong but sometimes  you have to stop admiring long enough to stand back and see the bigger picture and see them as they are and I'm  OK with that. I can  say that now only by the grace  & the blood of Jesus Christ, praying, seeking, crying, etc. I dearly loved him but didn't deserve him. He needed a woman of his own kind to begin with. My heart  couldn't accept that and  didn't  want to but now I have but even though  I see this from all angles I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry. I don't know what to say.

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Thank you for the response @NCC  .... a couple of things I should mention:  as was discussed here a few weeks ago, I'm what's known as a "maladaptive daydreamer" (I don't like the term, it sounds negative.)  Anyway, MD's make up elaborate storylines with characters etc....and we get attached to the characters (my CO and my alter ego - AE, are my main characters) and to the storyline. It's important to realize, my AE represents me in this storyline because, as I've also said many times, she stands in for me since I was not old enough to "date" him at the time these fantasies took root.  I could replace her now, but it doesn't seem right to me to do that.  She is me anyway, just a better version of me who was older in 1967, so it doesn't really matter.   I know this might sound loopy to someone who isn't familiar with MD...but those who do it probably understand perfectly.  I know there are a few others here who do.

Adding this on edit, but I can't put it after the hidden contents for some reason....you mentioned that I should find things about him that are safe and forget about this.  That is what I've been trying to do.  I've mentioned that I have quite a collection of pictures of him that are perfectly safe, I write stories, and I also have his music, too.  All of that definitely helps.    

 

The time that picture was taken is a relevant time in this storyline.  I don't really spend a lot of time thinking about my CO in the present tense.  That picture would have been taken right smack in the middle of the timeline for my fantasies  ... the timeline being between 1967-1972 or so, the picture taken probably in or near 1969.  For that reason, it doesn't really help to know that it happened a long time ago and isn't relevant anymore -- it was relevant at the time it mattered the most.  Another thing is, there was definitely an issue with cognitive distortion here, and my therapist knows that...in 2013 when I learned that my CO had been married twice all those years ago, I was inexplicably stunned.  It was as if I really believed he was truly married to my AE and had cheated on her. I felt betrayed by this revelation.  I'm totally serious.  It's hard to explain just how hurt I was.  And that feeling persisted for months which is why I (1) came to this board looking for support and (2) sought the services of the therapist because I didn't know what else to do, I thought maybe a therapist could tell me how to "fix" myself.  

You're right though:  letting go is impossible.  I somehow made it through all of that -- for the first 24 hours or so after stumbling across that information in 2013, I didn't think I'd be able to go on with him in my fantasies...I was so hurt, and it felt like I couldn't forgive him for awhile.  I didn't know how to go on with it.  But I really am a resourceful person who wants to love him very much... in less than 48 hours I knew what I had to do:  try to ignore the information as if I'd never seen it.  Those two women would not exist.  It wouldn't be easy, and it wasn't.  As I said, I was in pain for a very long time, but I kept pushing back on it.  Pushing, pushing, pushing....I would never let that thought come into my head (the reason my therapist wants to tell me "what you resist, persists."  I don't care, resisting it works for me.)  And this latest thing, this picture...I thought that would certainly destroy it too, because how could I go on when every time that picture would pop into my head I'd have to think of him as hers?   It took longer this time to come to terms with how I would handle it -- plus this time, I had to deal with a visual. Ugh. But I'm OK with it now.  Like I said, I don't think of her as who she really is when that picture crosses my mind....she's now the ex-girlfriend LOSER.  That's really how I think of her.  That characterization I've given her is  burned into my brain every bit as much as the image is, and I can live with it like that.  I have to.  I don't really care if my therapist likes my way of accepting it...it's my mental health that matters here, even if I'm not living in the "real" world.  So what?  My whole life was spent in that daydream.  It's kind of silly really....why do I need to accept her for who she really is when I've never accepted myself for who I really am?  I wish my therapist would let it go now, really.  The crisis is over, if she would just let it be over.  Then I could stop thinking about all this!!

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to respond, NCC.  You're right...I need to put all this behind me just like I did with what I learned in 2013.  I'm enjoying the daydream again, I just hate that I'm accepting certain things a little easier I never accepted at all before...a year or so ago, I couldn't have written this to you at all, whether I'd hide the contents or not.  I'm desperately holding on -- as tightly as I can -- to the storyline as  as I've written in my mind it all those years ago, in spite of my therapist and recent events trying to pry my hands off of it.  But I won't let go. 

Edited by Audrey822
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46 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

@NCC it looks like you might be online...I hope you catch the edits I've made to my post if you're reading it.  

Quote

Adding this on edit, but I can't put it after the hidden contents for some reason....you mentioned that I should find things about him that are safe and forget about this.  That is what I've been trying to do.  I've mentioned that I have quite a collection of pictures of him that are perfectly safe, I write stories, and I also have his music, too.  All of that definitely helps

I read your edit. It's good to see you're doing that.   It's what I do, it's really the only thing i can do. 

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Therapy went well today.  I told her I'm not ready to talk about giving my CO up (as Seeker suggested.)  She reminded me that we're working toward my goals, not hers.  She says she doesn't have an agenda (I didn't accuse her of having an agenda, she volunteered this), but said she wouldn't be a good therapist if she didn't challenge me to think about things like "a world without him."   OK, I thought about it.......and I reject it.  Next question!  LOL 

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10 hours ago, Audrey822 said:

Therapy went well today.  I told her I'm not ready to talk about giving my CO up (as Seeker suggested.)  She reminded me that we're working toward my goals, not hers.  She says she doesn't have an agenda (I didn't accuse her of having an agenda, she volunteered this), but said she wouldn't be a good therapist if she didn't challenge me to think about things like "a world without him."   OK, I thought about it.......and I reject it.  Next question!  LOL 

I wonder why a therapist always thinks throwing whatever they perceive stresses you out to the curb? It's not so easy doing that. And sometimes you just don't want to.  I know with Reina, she actually calms me down. I was stressed today. Feeling kind of down. When I got home finally looking at Reina again made everything better.  She's like a kind and patient girlfriend to me. Somehow she helps me with my troubles. 

I wonder what a therapist even thinks as normal? Having an obsession isn't out of the ordinary. It's just people do not understand. The feelings we feel for these people is real. I feel love for Reina.  And sometimes I feel pain because of this love. That's what happens when you love someone. Unfortunately, we really can never share this love with the person we desire. That can cause problems. But like anything they can be worked out. It's just different working these problems out. It's not something which makes throwing them to the curb an option. Personally, I don't think I could discard Reina. I love her too much. 

The only time I think getting rid of your obsession is if want them out of your head and you have very little or no joy thinking about them.  And only you know the answer to that. 

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