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Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support


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36 minutes ago, MysteryName said:

In my case it can be almost like intrusive thoughts. I don't even know why she's on my mind all the time and how this happened - it just did. Sometimes I wax lyrical about how stunningly beautiful, sweet, funny, talented etc. she is but that really isn't enough to explain why she's always there. I don't even fantasize about her that much any more - just her face and music are always there. 

Although there are many ways to control thoughts to some extent, undoubtedly discussed more specifically in threads other than this one, at the end of the day we only have so much control over the thoughts that enter our head. That should be something that anyone who feels ashamed of having a CO should take on board (at least I try to). No use hating yourself for your thoughts alone - something you have so little control over. Judge yourself only if you act on them in a negative way.

It's often said that CO's are filling a hole. That can mean many different things though - that they are a virtual companion when there are none or let you lead a life different to your own, or it may just mean (more in my case) that your mind needs something to preoccupy it and obsess over when it cannot possibly think about your own life. In that case a CO may be not that different to any other obsession. It's just something our mind does to us that we can do little about, it seems.

As for stopping doing it, well, how to do that is what half this thread is about trying to work out! The other half is more about how it's not always a bad thing and can be accepted and helpful, there seems to be mixed feelings. 


Audrey, I'm not sure who Corbin meant by dangerous, was it dangerous to others or dangerous to ourselves? I don't know about stalking but we know that CO can be dangerous to ourselves - mine is ******* what little productivity and then there's danger to relationships, to our mental state if they get a partner etc. 


I tried again to go cold turkey and failed. It really needs to be 100%. Something radical - go on holiday somewhere with no internet, switch the internet off or at least leechblock, stayfocusd. And it doesn't stop you thinking about them one bit - that's what makes it so hard. I get the feeling that if you can last cold turkey for long enough for something else to seriously occupy you - something to look forward to or something you actually enjoy, then it will work. Is there anything potentially coming up in your life, scifigirl? Or something else that could occupy you? Basically you may not have to face going cold turkey and all the withdrawal symptoms for that long until something else in your life picks up a bit. I know I don't take my own advice.

 

 

If you can't get her out of your head embrace her, enjoy the time she's in your head. You will be happier if you do. 

I have a lifetime of experience of  misery when it comes to obsessions,  girlfriends and a wife.  I'm much happier accepting Reina for what she is. I'm truly happy right now with my CO. It's a thin line which could collapse at any moment, but I find her enjoyable right now, to me what's the point of liking someone if they make you miserable. 

You mention mixed feelings when it comes to a CO. For better or worse, we all have our own agenda of what we want out of our CO. Some find it dangerous and want the CO to go away. Others enjoy their CO but want to find an acceptance which will enable them to truly enjoy their CO.  Some are a combination of both. Then there's even more different reasons. So it isn't so simple. There's never one answer.  For me, it's just acceptance. Right now I'm doing good with that so it enables me to enjoy Reina. Unlike you, I want Reina to stay in my head. She has a place in my head and is welcome to stay forever. 

When your CO is in your head do you think negative or positive things? This can be a big reason how you perceive your CO. Before I found this board Reina was starting to stress me out. I was stressed about her possibly being in a relationship. Nothing but rumors, but it ruined my enjoyment of her.  I've come to accept that to a point. I avoid reading personal information about her, which is easy, since all the articles are in Japanese.  I just look for pictures and YouTube videos. Another thing I noticed, the Japanese media seems much more discreet in providing information about celebs.  Which is good IMO.  We all have different stresses when it comes to our CO's. The key is acknowledging them and working at it. I have to everyday, that's why I come here. 

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@MysteryName 

Audrey, I'm not sure who Corbin meant by dangerous, was it dangerous to others or dangerous to ourselves? I don't know about stalking but we know that CO can be dangerous to ourselves - mine is ******* what little productivity and then there's danger to relationships, to our mental state if they get a partner etc. 

Upon further review, I suppose that's a possibility I didn't consider.  I should have because that's certainly true for so many in this thread. That would be true for me too right now if I needed to be in a relationship, but I don't. (My husband has a relationship with video games, so we're both good.)

I've already covered that my mental state would be more dangerous without my CO, if I could just stop stumbling on unwanted information about him and images of other people who were once part of his life.   :coopcray:I managed to escape that for 45+ years, it shouldn't be too hard to finish without running into these things, right?

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18 hours ago, Corbin said:

How does this obsession work? Do you want to be like the celebrity or are you just obsessed with him/her? It seems that you're obsessed with them to the extent that you're constantly checking their every move. I can relate to that. However, I would take a break and stop doing this for now. Obsessions like these can be extremely unhealthy and dangerous.

There is no one root of this obsession. It comes from a combination of:

1) He is really physically attractive.

2) He comes across as a really intelligent and kind person in interviews. He has a level of charisma that draws everyone in.

3) He is physically fit and looks after himself in a way I wish I could.

4) He has a beautiful long term partner and three adorable children. Sometimes I feel like I settled for less in staying with my husband. Also, due to financial restraints we are unable to move out of our 1 bed apartment and don't have any children As we are both rapidly approaching 40, the possibility of having them naturally is becoming less and less possible. Or maybe that's just the depression talking.

5) He is making a living doing something he enjoys. I've spent the last 15 years doing a job I wasn't all that into. Luckily, a small financial boost gave me the cushion and courage I needed to hand in my notice.

Long story short, he is living the life I wish I had. But he is also pushing my buttons way more than my husband is right now. I don't know, maybe this is part of an existential/mid-life/depression crisis I'm going through.

 

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Listen. Regardless of whatever nonsense I said before just know that I have been living in periodic hell since my last post. I feel like I'm ok and I'm good and everything is fine then I hear something or I get this feeling that I've screwed up my life but then I look at him and see him and feel like even if this was ordained by God - He gives us freewill which means I had a choice. I chose to do nothing. You do nothing you get nothing. You do something you may not get anything but you did something - either way you still reap what you sow and that is literally making me feel like I have lost the light of my life and I won't get it back all because I was afraid of what other people would think but then as much as I feel passionately about him I don't think it would have been fair to him. I didn't grow up in an urban area but I didn't feel as though because I liked him I was sinning but I didn't know if it was really ok but even as little as I was I thought surely if Jesus don't have a problem with me liking him why do other people around me? As I got older life becomes more complicated. I wanted him but I wanted him for the right reasons and I didn't want to affect his career so I let him go and I stayed behind and I feel like I'm in hell but then again there was no guarantee that he would have ever liked me but I feel as though because I still feel this way all my life instead of it being a blessing in disguise if only I had a realistic mindset and took action its come back to bite me in the butt but more importantly the light has gone out from my eyes and my heart does not feel the same. I've lost the love of my life and want to die - not hurt myself I just feel like I've lost everything but really I haven't.

Edited by urivgirl86
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@urivgirl86,

I am sorry you are feeling so much pain about this. I know it can seem like you have lost your one chance for love and happiness in this whole world and you will never have another chance again. I have felt this way before as well, but I happen to believe that there isn't just *one* person in the world that you can love. I'm not saying you didn't love him, but I believe that if you miss one love, another can come along if you are open to it. Perhaps you could turn this into a motivator in your present and future relationships, romantic and non-romantic. If you remember what happened in the past, then you are less likely to repeat it and have more regrets in the future. Next time you love someone, don't wait to tell them, (if you know them). If they are further away then try to take action about being with them sooner and don't wait. Is there anyone you love that you haven't expressed it to lately, like a mother, or another relative? Maybe a friend? If you love someone, tell them now and don't wait. If you can learn something from this experience, then it will have been a worthwhile lesson to learn. In the meantime, please try to get yourself into the present moment because that is the only way you are ever going to find peace. I think you need to have a serious talk with Jesus about this and ask for guidance about where to go from here and what you were meant to learn from this experience.

Edited by Seeker2
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@Seeker2 Thank you. I have been talking with him. I do look at this as what not to do so I feel as though I can learn that if I do feel this way again to let the other person know. I can't keep blaming myself on something that may have never come to pass but I do  feel as though He's punishing me because I didn't go through with it but the more I look at who I am I see how I was never cut out for that type of life and I'm OK.

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@urivgirl86,

I don't think you are being punished by God. As I've said before, I don't believe you would get punished for trying to be unselfish. That would be totally unfair and unjust. I think it's more likely that you are punishing yourself by feeling guilty about the past. You don't sound like a bad person to me and I think you deserve forgiveness. I believe that God already would forgive you and now all that's needed is for you to forgive yourself.

Edited by Seeker2
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5 hours ago, urivgirl86 said:

@Seeker2 Thank you. I have been talking with him. I do look at this as what not to do so I feel as though I can learn that if I do feel this way again to let the other person know. I can't keep blaming myself on something that may have never come to pass but I do  feel as though He's punishing me because I didn't go through with it but the more I look at who I am I see how I was never cut out for that type of life and I'm OK.

Maybe God is saving you from yourself? It's the I come to look at it. For example. Say for some reason I get to meet Reina, my CO and we start to date. After 6 months or so, I'm thinking marriage and having a family with her. But she throws me to the curb and says, "I'm leaving you for someone else." This would absolutely destroy me. I would fall into an abyss of despair which I've never been in. Suicide might become the answer. Perhaps God had me fall in love with someone where there's no shot of ever meeting. I enjoy her imagery as much as I've ever enjoyed a real lover. Maybe even more. As long as I accept the situation I will always enjoy Reina, there will be no pain, or not much anyway. Don't get me wrong, if the opportunity came up, I would date Reaina, but that's a slippery slope which could be the most wonderful thing imaginable, or a Hell which there's no escape.  It would be one of the two, there would be no in between.  So, I look at it this way. God is saving me from myself.  

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1 hour ago, NCC said:

Maybe God is saving you from yourself? It's the I come to look at it. For example. Say for some reason I get to meet Reina, my CO and we start to date. After 6 months or so, I'm thinking marriage and having a family with her. But she throws me to the curb and says, "I'm leaving you for someone else." This would absolutely destroy me. I would fall into an abyss of despair which I've never been in. Suicide might become the answer. Perhaps God had me fall in love with someone where there's no shot of ever meeting. I enjoy her imagery as much as I've ever enjoyed a real lover. Maybe even more. As long as I accept the situation I will always enjoy Reina, there will be no pain, or not much anyway. Don't get me wrong, if the opportunity came up, I would date Reaina, but that's a slippery slope which could be the most wonderful thing imaginable, or a Hell which there's no escape.  It would be one of the two, there would be no in between.  So, I look at it this way. God is saving me from myself.  

Wow, I've never thought of it this way before.  Until I joined this board, I never even considered the possibility of meeting my CO...I didn't even think of such an improbable idea*, but many people here talked about meeting theirs.  Many had already met their COs or were planning to meet their COs; they described the experience...some went well, some didn't.  I sort of remember letting that idea play out in my head....what would such a meeting between my CO and me look like?  What would probably happen?   I knew right then and there that it never could happen, and I've explained why many times.  It's inevitable, one of us would have to walk away (probably me.)  I couldn't stand that moment...I've been in love with him too long.  I wouldn't want to cry, but it would be hard not to, and very awkward and embarrassing to do so in that situation. Could I get away fast enough before he would see me crying?  From that, I'm going to have to save me from myself....I know myself too well lately, I just wouldn't be able to do it.

*I think what you said in your post, NCC, is why I'd never entertained that possibility for so many decades.  God may have saved me from myself. I've had so many regrets about not "going for it" over the past 6-12 months....for some reason, it started to really nag at me about a year ago:  why didn't I do something about this when I was younger? What if??

I even saw my CO in concert in 1983, and that whole night is a mystery to me. I didn't try to meet him, but what I remember about that night is mostly feelings, no details. I knew I instantly fell in love with him again, but other than the memory that he looked really good, I don't remember much about the whole concert (why would I forget details about something like that??)  I think God was saving me from myself.  The man has had two failed marriages, and I have to face the fact he might not be just an innocent bystander in both of those.  As you said about Reina for yourself, that would have absolutely destroyed me....if I ever thought it would be impossible for him to hurt me more than what I've learned about him in these past 3 years, that would do it.  I probably would not have survived it to be here writing to all of you right now. 

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I do need to clarify something in my above post:  I think the main reason I never considered meeting my CO before joining this board was because, before September 2013, everything about him was going on in my fantasy world....nothing about him was ever supposed to take place in the "real" world.  

I had no idea until that day I learned he had been married how intertwined all of this had become, how much I had invested in my alter ego (for reasons that have to do with emotional abuse as a child.)  There are a lot of "issues" here that are beyond the scope of your normal "crush on a CO"....my therapist would be the first to tell all of you:  I look at this man almost as my savior.  When I was trying really hard to block out horrific scenes going on in my home, I would escape into the world of my alter ego...let her take over and (of course) my CO was her boyfriend/husband....all because *I* had a crush on him too, of course. But it became so much more than that.  What I'm saying is, I internalized a lot of stuff and made a sort of "character" out of this real man who is my CO.  The reality of his real world existence never even occurred to me until one Friday afternoon in September of 2013 -- (and as unlikely as it seems, it shocked and stunned an otherwise functioning, intelligent middle-aged woman.)  So, no....I never intended, or wanted, or thought about meeting him.  He "lived" in my head for 45+ years.  I didn't think I needed to meet him!  In September 2013, everything changed.  4 months later, I found myself here. 

Edited by Audrey822
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Hi everyone!

I finally got to meet my CO on Saturday May 7!  Not only did he look GREAT! but he put on an amazing show!  Of course when I got to meet him finally after 26 years, I froze and couldn't think of anything to say.  We got our picture taken and then he said thank you to me. And I was able to say thank you back.  I wanted to shake his hand but it was too late as the line for photo ops was moving pretty fast.  I am hoping maybe to at least see him in San Francisco in December for a sci fi con.

On a good note, the picture actually came out great.  I look so genuinely happy in the photo.  I usually hate how I look in pictures, but meeting the man of my dreams was enough to make me look halfway decent. This is a moment I will treasure forever!!!!

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My journey with Reina continues. Yet another phase or realization.

As I said I believe Reina is my spiritual partner. There's something different about her. She's not just a pretty face I like. It's a very deep connection.  She's becoming very, very important to me. 

She took me out of the abyss, she's taken me by the hand and is leading me to something.  I just have to be patient because I think it's going to be really good. Maybe it's a new wife or girlfriend, she's leading  me to.  Maybe my reward will be my own version of nirvana with Reina. I'm starting to accept the limitations of this relationship, yet she's done more for me than practically anyone.  She's showing me why past obsessions ended up like they did for a reason. If I dated any of them it would've been a disaster and made my life Hell. I've come to realize it was for the best that those relationships never happened. It's like Reina's spirit is counseling mine.

I'm not going to discuss why and what my legal problems were, however, Reina even made me understand why it happened. It's become crystal clear. Her spirit has done something which nobody ever has. She made me see the light. I agree what I've been told, I have no doubt Reina in a spiritual way has helped me. I don't care if anyone believes me about this connection, I believe it.    

I'm very excited about what doors for me will be opened. With Reina showing me the way it will be glorious. I feel her presence with me all the time. I enjoy it more than I can express myself. 

I do believe God sent her to me. She's my angel and I love her. 

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So I kinda ended up caving in and watched one of my CO's new YouTube videos, surprisingly I had no desire to watch any of the other videos though, I think maybe it's because in the one I watched he was being kinda faux-arrogant doing a vlog for some event he and a bunch of other big YouTubers were doing, it just irritated me more than anything, I definitely feel like all the fame and attention is going to his head... which I suppose should work out well for me because (in theory) his ever growing ego should put me off.

My small crush on the other guy I mentioned a couple of posts back is still a thing, I don't think the fact that he and I sometimes banter back and forth will helpful should this turn into a full blown obsession (which I feel it quite easily could, especially if I end up subconsciously replacing him with my current CO), but if nothing else I suppose it'll be a good test of social boundaries.

Edited by Scuba36
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Since I was a little girl I had a passion for music & being famous but now I realize you can dream and plan but unless you take steps toward it nothing will come to pass.

I'm turning 30 years old in June and feel as though I have wasted my dreams. I thought if I did this though I believe God gives us talents I was too busy worrying about what other people would think & that it would be a sin no mater what because The Bible says to do nothing for selfish ambition but as a little girl & even when I was a teenager I didn't think it was a sin because I believed everything I felt was from God but then it also says out of the heart are sinful desires so I guess I should've just prayed and had faith but God allows us freewill so I don't think everything is a sin that's ridiculous but still I was just unsure of myself & what I would be facing but that's when we walk by faith not by sight.

What everything including him comes down to is risk & reward. Jesus said to count the cost and that doesn't just include following Him. What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul? What you sow is what you reap. 

I'm embarrassed at myself but at the same time would I have been happy? Would the risk be worth it? This is so much more than just Usher. I dearly loved him but apparently not enough to leave it all behind for my dreams & dream man who I still believe that I was supposed to do something about.

I'm tired. I'm lost. I need balance. My dreams never included being a wife & mother but that doesn't make me a bad person or woman. I'm tired of all the crap I've put myself through but I'll be ok.

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I don't know if anyone has mentioned this in the over 200 replies to this post but google Maladaptive Daydreaming. I deal with this on a day to day basis and it has been going on since I was a small child. In my daydreams I have two particular celebrities that are part of the story so to speak. One of them I paste some of my personality onto his 'frame' and I become him. The other is my love interest. I find myself acting out their lives even while I'm living mine. It sometimes interferes with my life and other times it just feels entertaining.

I love their personalities and their looks and I could even say I love them or am in love with them in a way, which sounds ridiculous because I don't know them personally. I watch their movies over and over, have a collection of pictures of them to reference when I need inspiration for my Mal-adaptive daydreams.

Growing up I had to hide my sexual attraction to other males and I learned quickly that I could not vocalize it in any way lest I be disciplined by my Mother and Father. So I began daydreaming at 4 or 5 and now am in my 30s and still do this on a more intricate level. There are very complex plots and fight scenes and I act those out in the full in the dark at night. I have even tried turning them into an anime style comic but it feels like I am revealing something too intimate to strangers. I feel like I have lived more in this world I have created for myself than my actual life. In fact I have. I have been in love, married, a father, a mother (in the magical world I created there is something I call shifting, where the sexes can de-materialize and reform as the opposite gender, sort of like a human transforming into a werewolf, a very painful process) a king, a villain, a slave and a master. I have been wealthy and destitute, outgoing and wise. All of these things I have experienced within the cnfines of my own mind but in real life I have not accomplished those things, of course some are impossible for me because of reasons reality and biology lol. I have created a perfect world with two persons that my mind sees as perfect even though I know they are flesh and blood like me. I get offended when there is negative news about them or gossip. I get jealous too when they are dating and try to find something wrong about/with their partners. I am going through counseling but I don't know how to make it stop.

Eventually I will finish reading all 277 posts in this thread to maybe find some good advice. Just wanted to share about Maladaptive daydreaming in case others don't know what it is. Basically there are things in life that I was forbidden to have and that I could never realistically get so my young mind made a way to express and have those things without actually having them. I don't think I am strong enough because my daydreams are pretty f***ing epic ( I even have a collection of epic trailer music that I play while Ma-Daydreaming. Google Brand X music-Days of old and you will know why. I love my characters and not continuing their stories seems like M***** because they are quite real to me. But I know it is an obsession and addictive so I will have to at some point.

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@ColdFire I have been doing that too but never knew what it was and to be honest I thought  there was something wrong with me.

When you said this: "Basically there are things in life that I was forbidden to have and that I could never realistically get so my young mind made a way to express and have those things without actually having them,"

I have kind of felt this way in regards to myself, fame and  basically all of my posts. I did that and still do this at times.

Thank you for sharing that insight with all of us. I'm really not as crazy as my posts may lead you to believe.

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@ColdFire Yes, Maladaptive Daydreaming has been mentioned here awhile back...I brought it up a couple of years ago having learned about it right before coming here. It's exactly what I do. You say you project your personality onto another celebrity...I have what I call an alter ego, who is me but better in every way...she was/is everything I need her to be, and just as you said about your alternate persona, she's done everything I would have wanted to do but couldn't for whatever reason. She's also married to my CO, so there's that too....and there are other characters involved I've never mentioned here because it wasn't relevant until you showed up to tell this story and I have this in common with you. I've been trying to tell someone for awhile now how vivid my imagination is...how I feel as if I have lived that life. I dislike the term "maladaptive" daydreaming, however, because it sounds so negative. I wouldn't have survived without these daydreams as an escape.

It's late here, but I'm looking forward to discussing more about this with you again soon! Welcome to our thread!

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1 hour ago, Audrey822 said:

 

@ColdFire Yes, Maladaptive Daydreaming has been mentioned here awhile back...I brought it up a couple of years ago having learned about it right before coming here. It's exactly what I do. You say you project your personality onto another celebrity...I have what I call an alter ego, who is me but better in every way...she was/is everything I need her to be, and just as you said about your alternate persona, she's done everything I would have wanted to do but couldn't for whatever reason. She's also married to my CO, so there's that too....and there are other characters involved I've never mentioned here because it wasn't relevant until you showed up to tell this story and I have this in common with you. I've been trying to tell someone for awhile now how vivid my imagination is...how I feel as if I have lived that life. I dislike the term "maladaptive" daydreaming, however, because it sounds so negative. I wouldn't have survived without these daydreams as an escape.

It's late here, but I'm looking forward to discussing more about this with you again soon! Welcome to our thread!

Thanks Audrey822 for the welcome. I also dislike the term maladaptive daydreaming for the same reason, I just have no other way of describing it. It does not seem maladaptive at all. We just have a very powerful and potent imagination and this world is so harsh and unpredictable that we have to escape it and our hyperactive brains make it possible. I too could not have made it this far without journeying into the dreamscape I created. I get so afraid I will lose my tether to the real world. It sometimes is hard to tell which is more real to me. I also have other characters, they are all either famous or people I admire in my real social circle. I'm so glad that I am not alone in this. At night I can't wait for bedtime because I have so many things to weave into the world. I take things from tv/movies and music, even a well done wallpaper I find on the internet can inspire me, and especially sci-fi fantasy novels. I remember reading a book called The Troy Game when I was a teen and I still use some elements from that to this day.

Hope to hear more from you too. Also, is it forbidden to mention names of our CO here? I don't want to make a mistake.

5 hours ago, urivgirl86 said:

@ColdFire I have been doing that too but never knew what it was and to be honest I thought  there was something wrong with me.

When you said this: "Basically there are things in life that I was forbidden to have and that I could never realistically get so my young mind made a way to express and have those things without actually having them,"

I have kind of felt this way in regards to myself, fame and  basically all of my posts. I did that and still do this at times.

Thank you for sharing that insight with all of us. I'm really not as crazy as my posts may lead you to believe.

I don't think you sound crazy at all, none of you do. I think there are people out there like us, more than we could imagine. I can't wait to read more of your posts and all the posts in this thread. We are the Dreamweavers. All of our pain, fears, strengths, creativity, hopes, joys, loves and hates, our wonder, mystery, passions, anchors and roadblocks are brought to life in our dreams. What is obsession but the placing of high value on things that are precious to us, that are worthy to us? Instinctively the we have the gift to love something or someone so much that we can breathe life into a whole world just to be near it/them. Thats's pretty strong. Even some species of animals collect shiny objects. Our CO are our human version of catnip. No one would call a cat crazy for going grapenuts over the stuff. If nothing I am saying makes any sense, it is 2:34 in the morning and I still can't sleep. :)

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@ColdFire you can name your CO if you want to, it's up to you. Some do, some don't. 

I really like the way you've described this...the idea that this is to us like catnip to cats. I couldn't say it better, and I may have to use that with my therapist on Monday because she's trying to encourage me to "loosen my grip on the narrative" (my way of doing this involves a story that goes back a long way, and in the last 3 years, I've learned things that have threatened it.) 

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Hi all.

I researched Maladaptive Daydreaming and I realize that's what I've been doing ever since I was 12 or 13. I had imaginary friends, husbands, and a whole family. I had to create my own love since I wasn't getting it anywhere else. I used it to escape the abuse and bullying I was going through. I still use it to this day. I'd rather live in my fantasy world than in reality. In my fantasy world, I'm rich, thin, beautiful and famous. In reality, I'm the complete opposite. I like to pretend I'm married to one of my other COs, and best friends/sometimes lovers with my main CO (the one that gets me in trouble). I have other COs that are my friends and family.

It still causes trouble to this day. It gets in the way of me doing my daily living skills, like cleaning and bathing, and it replaces human interaction and socializing. I'd rather just stay in bed and fantasize my day away while watching TV and being online.

I'm diagnosed as schizoaffective but MD is really what I do and what I am.

To the person who mentioned this, thanks. I really learned something about myself.

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I need to address something.  I've never fully understood my place in this world. I feel as though I've never fit in with my family. Don't get me wrong my family never abused me or hurt me physically or anything like that but I've just never felt like I fit in with who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. The thing is as old as I am I have social anxiety around people. I always assume something bad is going to happen no matter where I am.

I'm afraid of men. I'm afraid of physical intimacy. I'm afraid if I get close to a man and allow myself to love and open up my heart to him eventually he would leave me in the end. I realize that being famous isn't just about getting up and singing a song anymore but that's what I would have done. I wouldn't have had some type of social agenda or background dancers behind me or singing about taking my clothes off or would have acted it out because I'm just not that way and even if I wasn't a Christian I wouldn't be that way either.

The thing is though I feel its my responsibility as a Christian woman and being an only child to my family to find someone, get married, raise a family and that be the way. I don't know but the whole idea of marriage and staying in the same town that as a little girl I always loved seems more like a nightmare than anything else. God does not require marriage as part of salvation. My parents haven't pressured me its just in general you feel as though you're supposed to go in the same line as other people but the older I get I don't think everyone should or is supposed to. Everybody is different and I think God can still be glorified by me obeying Him regardless of whether a man puts a ring on it.

I don't think of young men who are my age which is turning 30 very soon as being men. I don't see them as that way. I think we've been brought up in a more loose culture and the traditions are dying as the generations of old are passing away and making room for a very different culture and way of life. I'm not saying there aren't good men out there but just once in my life I'd like to come across a man my age who is not only spiritually mature but a grown man as well. The thing is you attract what you are so I can sit here and say all this but unless I'm taking the steps to better myself it's just me ranting and raving.  Does anyone understand what I'm saying? I may have a problem because the people who are men or who at least the man who has inspired me as qualities of a man I would love to be with was already a grown man by the time I came to know of his existence which took place as an actor on a big movie screen when I was 10 years old but to this day twenty years later it still has influenced me. When I would go shopping with my mother to our local mall to shop for my father around his birthday or holidays I loved it because I would get to see the pictures of the handsome models wearing suits & ties looking all sharp and everything and I thought for the longest time - "Now that's how a man should dress," Just like someone did when they showed up in a movie in one of the first few scenes in a movie where this handsome angel comes down and helps answer a prayer to a family in need and for a moment falls in love with the beautiful wife of the man whose prayers he was there to answer. I guess some things make an impact on us when we're not looking, huh?

As you can see I've expressed myself quite a lot here and to be honest with you I'm being more real with myself than I've ever been. It's quite liberating and frightening at the same time. I don't know what the future holds but I'm so glad I did not go after my selfish ambitions after all. I wish you all well in your life & plenty of love & happiness. Don't worry, I won't sing Al Green I'll just let my words speak for themselves.

 

Edited by urivgirl86
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@ColdFire @fabulousrockstar & @urivgirl86

It was busymoo who brought the subject of Maladaptive Daydreaming into the discussion when I first got here.  It was her first post, and I had just learned about it a couple of months before she posted that.  When I Googled it in December 2013, I was a little relieved to learn that what I'd done all my life had a name!  

Here's the post, I didn't realize it would embed it! If you go to that post (click the link "Reply to...") you can see the discussion that followed:

adding on edit:  I had many conversations with @busymoo for about 18 months following our sign up here.  It was a BIG relief to have her friendship for awhile, and speak to her.  I'd never known anyone else before who did this, and she did.  I think the realization that I wasn't alone gave me a lot of courage about this, and I owe that to her and our friendship.  If she ever reads this board, I'd want her to know that. I'm so much stronger now than I was when I first signed up here. 

Edited by Audrey822
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@urivgirl86 I'm really worried you're going to get to my age and have a million regrets over so many things you didn't do that you could have done right now while you're still young enough.

I realize you have a lot of conflicting emotions.  You've expressed them over and over.  You go back and forth between feeling one way and then the other so many times.  I'm not judging you for that, or being critical.  Not at all.  In fact, I empathize with  you about a lot of what you've posted.  The difference between you and me is how you feel about what you've done.  You sacrifice willingly for your parents; mine forced sacrifice on me, using manipulation and emotional blackmail to get what they wanted.  You put your parents first out of love, I put myself on the back burner because there was never enough time for myself what with having to deal with my parents, and raising my children....and suddenly my whole life had passed me by.  I know you love your parents, but you do have to live for yourself (take it from me, please!!)  You have some fears that need to be addressed because you don't have to live with those fears -- your fears of men and intimacy.  You can learn to overcome that, and find someone to love;  someone who loves you (a good man will not leave you.  Trust yourself to have the judgment to find a good man.)  But before you can do that, you have to address those fears somehow....through a spiritual advisor, a therapist, a trusted person you look up to that you can confide in....it doesn't matter, but you have to talk that out with someone.  I feel strongly about that, and I say that out of sincere concern for you.  Every time I read one of your posts, my heart breaks for you a little, because I know there's help for you if you just accept it.  You've rejected this when I suggested it before....I'm not saying anything negative about you here.  I'm in therapy, too.  I needed it, and I'm better for it.  Think about it, OK?  You deserve love....it's not at all against what God would want for you.  

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