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Hello everybody. Almost 25 years ago I was diagnosed with extreme panic disorder but no comorbid with depression. I've had a number of depressive episodes over the years but never any that required treatment outside of medications on top of my regular meds for severe anxiety. My main problem has been the panic disorder in the past. While that is another story...just the list of meds and therapies would flood out this thread.

I should note that I have been on darn near close to 90% of the conventional meds put out there, but that was to control my severe anxiety. Being pumped full of AD's, alone or in cocktails--many times in very large doses, has left me totally intolerant of just about anything out there now and in fact, the side effects of the 'standard' meds (mostly the SSRI, SNRI's, etc.) have given permanent side effects. I have been hospitalized 3 times for serotonin syndrome, once in a coma for four days. The SSRI/NRI/SDNRI's did work briefly early on but over time, they only worsened my conditions---both the severe anxiety and the 'moderate' depression. The TCA's worked briefly, as did the MAOI's, the tetracyclics...etc. (you get the idea).

About a year and a half ago, however, I fell into a PROFOUND depression which was precipitated by a number of a number of factors. Of course, my severe anxiety problems did not help and each condition worsened the other. I am now totally debilitated and even the 'last resort' drugs do little other than enable me to go online like now. I have been agoraphobically housebound now for the last year and a half---which has worsened to the point where I literally seldom see the light of dy now and am lucky if I can make it to the mailbox a couple times a week. I am only able to to do that much is to take over 1/2 day's meds dosage with my anxiety and depression meds.

I had NO IDEA how bad depression can get. My previous depressive episodes were severe and could not have imagined things could become this bad and STILL deteriorate. I have to reiterate how badly my panic disorder and depression potentiate each other.

To wrap things up in my introduction, suffice it to say that for over a year and a half I kept refusing both doctors' and counselors' advice to switch to the stimulants. I did not want more problems of knowing that I would become mentally and physically addicted to something else (besides benzos which have been a "maintenance" drug for about a decade now). First, I was titered up on Ritalin. When that failed to produce acceptable, I ended up going to Adderall and now, Dexedrine. Even on the Dexedrine the improvement is only marginal.

I go to to therapy weekly now--one-one and group. But, even that has not helped much. I had been in therapy on and off for the past 25+ years, mostly for the severe anxiety. As it turns out, I have elsewhere on the Net found several forums and have made true friends with a number of people. For me, I get the most help from onlne forums.

Wow, what a long introduction. Hopefully, I will be able to make it online again more than once every couple weeks. Hello everyone, and I look forward to getting to know and befriend other sufferers.

Hi and Welcome to DF HoppyJoe

I am so glad that you found us.

You are definitely not alone and will receive a lot of support here.

I am sorry that you have had such a difficult time with your anxiety. I hope that we can give you hope and that your days get easier.

You may find the Anxiety Room helpful.

Please make yourself feel at home.

Trace

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Hi All. I'm a long-time lurker on DF but am trying to come out of hiding -- both online and IRL. Late 30s, in grad school (for an embarrassingly long time), no significant other, dwindling circle of friends (getting jobs, moving away). Diagnosed with depression and then ADD (inattentive) about 9 years ago, though I know I've struggled with this since I was an adolescent.

On the other hand, there's a long list of wonderfully positive things in and about my life...rendering me all the more guilt-ridden for even being depressed.

I wish all of you well and appreciate the solace the forums have given me as a tacit observer.

I hope I can navigate the transition from lurker to participant and give something back to the community.

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Hi All. I'm a long-time lurker on DF but am trying to come out of hiding -- both online and IRL. Late 30s, in grad school (for an embarrassingly long time), no significant other, dwindling circle of friends (getting jobs, moving away). Diagnosed with depression and then ADD (inattentive) about 9 years ago, though I know I've struggled with this since I was an adolescent.

On the other hand, there's a long list of wonderfully positive things in and about my life...rendering me all the more guilt-ridden for even being depressed.

I wish all of you well and appreciate the solace the forums have given me as a tacit observer.

I hope I can navigate the transition from lurker to participant and give something back to the community.

Hi and Welcome to DF Zoriana

I am so glad that you have decided to post, as there is so much encouragement and support here.

Posting here, can help break any isolation. Its wonderful that you are reaching out. Ir will be great to see you on the boards.

You may find the ADD Room helpful.

Please make yourself feel at home.

Trace

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Hi All. I'm a long-time lurker on DF but am trying to come out of hiding -- both online and IRL. Late 30s, in grad school (for an embarrassingly long time), no significant other, dwindling circle of friends (getting jobs, moving away). Diagnosed with depression and then ADD (inattentive) about 9 years ago, though I know I've struggled with this since I was an adolescent.

On the other hand, there's a long list of wonderfully positive things in and about my life...rendering me all the more guilt-ridden for even being depressed.

I wish all of you well and appreciate the solace the forums have given me as a tacit observer.

I hope I can navigate the transition from lurker to participant and give something back to the community.

Hi zorziana and :hearts: to being a more active participant at DF!

You have nothing to feel guilty about! You did not chose depression and ADD, you simply have a brain that isn't functioning properly. You wouldn't feel guilty about have diabetes. It's great that you have positive things in your life! I'm sure that you have much to offer to other members. As you know, there are many caring and supportive people here.

Iowa

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Hi All. I'm a long-time lurker on DF but am trying to come out of hiding -- both online and IRL. Late 30s, in grad school (for an embarrassingly long time), no significant other, dwindling circle of friends (getting jobs, moving away). Diagnosed with depression and then ADD (inattentive) about 9 years ago, though I know I've struggled with this since I was an adolescent.

On the other hand, there's a long list of wonderfully positive things in and about my life...rendering me all the more guilt-ridden for even being depressed.

I wish all of you well and appreciate the solace the forums have given me as a tacit observer.

I hope I can navigate the transition from lurker to participant and give something back to the community.

Welcome, zorziana! :hearts:

Thanks for deciding to post. It's great to have you here. I was a long-time lurker as well. And then I went post crazy, I guess lol.

Hope to get to know you!

xo

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Hi All. I'm a long-time lurker on DF but am trying to come out of hiding -- both online and IRL. Late 30s, in grad school (for an embarrassingly long time), no significant other, dwindling circle of friends (getting jobs, moving away). Diagnosed with depression and then ADD (inattentive) about 9 years ago, though I know I've struggled with this since I was an adolescent.

On the other hand, there's a long list of wonderfully positive things in and about my life...rendering me all the more guilt-ridden for even being depressed.

I wish all of you well and appreciate the solace the forums have given me as a tacit observer.

I hope I can navigate the transition from lurker to participant and give something back to the community.

I enjoyed reading your post. I'm also late 30's, and in the same boat with friends dwindling and such. I wish I was in Grad school though, my work is very low pay and I am overqualified for it, but I do it b/c of my recent big bout with my depression and needing a simple job. I hope that I will come out of this so I can be more of what I am able to be. Thanks for joining the forum. Kat43

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Hi All. I'm a long-time lurker on DF but am trying to come out of hiding -- both online and IRL. Late 30s, in grad school (for an embarrassingly long time), no significant other, dwindling circle of friends (getting jobs, moving away). Diagnosed with depression and then ADD (inattentive) about 9 years ago, though I know I've struggled with this since I was an adolescent.

On the other hand, there's a long list of wonderfully positive things in and about my life...rendering me all the more guilt-ridden for even being depressed.

I wish all of you well and appreciate the solace the forums have given me as a tacit observer.

I hope I can navigate the transition from lurker to participant and give something back to the community.

hello zorziana and welcome to df, i'm really glad you decided to post today. from just lurking and making a post in the welcome forum here is a big step forward and i hope to see you around the boards. there are alot of people that can understand and relate and we are definately here to support in anyway we can. when you feel comfortable feel free to jump right in or go just as slow as you want, even if it's just a couple of words. we are here for you.

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I enjoyed reading your post. I'm also late 30's, and in the same boat with friends dwindling and such. I wish I was in Grad school though, my work is very low pay and I am overqualified for it, but I do it b/c of my recent big bout with my depression and needing a simple job. I hope that I will come out of this so I can be more of what I am able to be. Thanks for joining the forum. Kat43

Hi kat43 and :hearts: to DF!

So many people with depression are working below their skill or training level. I'm sorry that that is the case with you also. Many people move to less demanding or less stessful jobs. Perhaps that's the case with you. Please take a look at the information in the Portal as well as looking at the many subforums here. There are many caring and supportive people here. Make yourself at home.

Iowa

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Hello all.

I just joined tonight after doing a Google search for 'depression forums'. I had a fairly bad night tonight and was prodded to get help by one of my friends. I'm single, 27, an Aries and living by myself with a kitten and a cockatiel, where I can indulge in my hobbies regularly.

Far as I can figure I have had clinical depression my entire life but never been formally diagnosed.

It came to the absolute worst when my parents divorced when I was 14 and it dragged on for 3 brutal years. I've had suicidal urges sporadically, but never *quite* had the guts to go through with it, even though I own a large knife and sword collection.

At the end of 2006, I finally broke down and started seeing a shink and taking 5-HTP regularly and he helped me get over a lot of the old divorce stuff and some of the resultant metaphorical scars from that. I've gotten a lot better about it, thanks to having some great friends.

Lately though the old apathy is sinking back in. I broke up with my last boyfriend in mid-november and it still aches. I'm working a temp job, but it doesn't quite pay enough to live on, but I should get a raise, should it go permanent.

My closest friends are quietly prodding me to go back to school, but I'm a little scared of that. I have taken up the Craft in Paganism with my closest galpal and that is helping me to better understand and improve myself.

I've gone back to being introverted and living like a hermit, to the point I forgot to call my dad on his birthday and he and I are still trying to iron that out, but in one of his reply emails, he said some things that served as a pretty rude wake-up call. It might have been necessary though, as it got me thinking about some of my habits of not reaching out to people or simply not calling anybody.

My depression seems to kick in the heaviest as of late when it comes to issues of "going after my dreams" or doing something better to improve my lot in life or actually pursuing a career I want to do.

In June I was arguing with a friend why I just couldn't do a career I wanted to do. [in this case it was being a professional artist] I started crying so badly, I went to the bathroom, yanked out my pocketknife and put it to my arm and pressed down hard....but again I couldn't quite bring myself to mutilate my arms like that.

He came over, I packed a bag and spent the night at his house after I bawled my eyes out, going "I can't do it...I just can't...I can't..." The part of saying "I can't" when it comes to career dreams comes from a plethora of reasons.

Tonight I had a little discussion with myself that went something like this:

"Hey A____, why do you not pursue your dreams?" "Because I don't believe in them."

"Why do you not believe in them?" "Because I think they're worthless."

"Why do you think they're worthless?" "Because I don't act on them."

"Why do you not act on them?" "Couple reasons: First, it's not focused and I don't know what I'm aiming for with no guarantee of success, second, I'm just plain scared and I'm mad that I'm scared because it's weak. Since I can't figure out how to defeat such a monumental fear, that must make me weak too and therefore useless. Fear is weak."

So I'm stuck on that with pretty much a lack of willpower, a fear of trying and a fear of success. Couple that with the thought that I'm permanently single/terminally undesirable and fighting against self-doubt every single ****** step of the way when I try to just "do something".

I'm thankful for my friends, chocolate and just plain stubbornness to keep fighting, because "it can't rain forever..."

~A~

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I enjoyed reading your post. I'm also late 30's, and in the same boat with friends dwindling and such. I wish I was in Grad school though, my work is very low pay and I am overqualified for it, but I do it b/c of my recent big bout with my depression and needing a simple job. I hope that I will come out of this so I can be more of what I am able to be. Thanks for joining the forum. Kat43

Thanks for the reply, Kat43. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with the depression and the unsatisfying job -- but *good on you* for having that job and for showing up every day. It's more than I can say for myself these days. Hang in there, 'K? See you 'round the boards. -zorziana

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I've gone back to being introverted and living like a hermit, to the point I forgot to call my dad on his birthday and he and I are still trying to iron that out, but in one of his reply emails, he said some things that served as a pretty rude wake-up call. It might have been necessary though, as it got me thinking about some of my habits of not reaching out to people or simply not calling anybody.

My depression seems to kick in the heaviest as of late when it comes to issues of "going after my dreams" or doing something better to improve my lot in life or actually pursuing a career I want to do.

In June I was arguing with a friend why I just couldn't do a career I wanted to do. [in this case it was being a professional artist] I started crying so badly, I went to the bathroom, yanked out my pocketknife and put it to my arm and pressed down hard....but again I couldn't quite bring myself to mutilate my arms like that.

He came over, I packed a bag and spent the night at his house after I bawled my eyes out, going "I can't do it...I just can't...I can't..." The part of saying "I can't" when it comes to career dreams comes from a plethora of reasons.

Tonight I had a little discussion with myself that went something like this:

"Hey A____, why do you not pursue your dreams?" "Because I don't believe in them."

"Why do you not believe in them?" "Because I think they're worthless."

"Why do you think they're worthless?" "Because I don't act on them."

"Why do you not act on them?" "Couple reasons: First, it's not focused and I don't know what I'm aiming for with no guarantee of success, second, I'm just plain scared and I'm mad that I'm scared because it's weak. Since I can't figure out how to defeat such a monumental fear, that must make me weak too and therefore useless. Fear is weak."

So I'm stuck on that with pretty much a lack of willpower, a fear of trying and a fear of success. Couple that with the thought that I'm permanently single/terminally undesirable and fighting against self-doubt every single ****** step of the way when I try to just "do something".

I'm thankful for my friends, chocolate and just plain stubbornness to keep fighting, because "it can't rain forever..."

~A~

Boy, do I hear you on the stuckness, the apathy, the lack of will, the self-isolation, the self-doubt. This stuff really bites, doesn't it? Hang on to that stubborness to keep fighting. I'll try to follow your example on that one. -zorziana

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Hi DrawingCelt, welcome to DF :hearts:

Socially isolating yourself is definitely not a good habit to get into, although I know how tempting that can be. Sometimes we need someone like your Dad to kick us into touch a bit.

I hope you feel that you can reach out to us anyway, as a first step maybe to getting back out there in the real world. I find it a bit of a haven when times are tough. Good to have you with us.

PRT xx

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Hi. I'm 31 and live in Louisiana with my 7-month old Chocolate Lab. I have a college degree and a good job. Until a little over a year ago, I was always an energetic, highly motivated, smiley and fun person... always on the go. I somehow allowed myself to get tangled up in an abusive relationship for six years. I didn't realize that it was abusive because he never hit me and rarely ever called me names. What he abused was my trust. He cheated over and over. His charming ways to bring me back always worked. It wasn't until I no longer cried when I found out about his lies that I knew I had to leave.

Now that I have been trying to educate myself on depression, that I by the way began suffering from when I left him, I have learned that the relationship WAS abusive. He was like a drug addiction. The honeymoon phase was like the high of a drug. The cheating made me so angry I wanted to rip his guts out... I would leave every time.... just so that he would crawl back to me like a beggar on his hands and knees.... then ah yes, the high again.

It has been a year since I broke it off. I had to file a restraining order against him because he kept showing up at my work and my home begging me to come back. He has violated it four times and I have to go to court next month because of it. :hearts:

I am trying out different ADs and started therapy. I am hoping this website will also help me deal with all these issues. Thanks!

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Hi. I'm 31 and live in Louisiana with my 7-month old Chocolate Lab. I have a college degree and a good job. Until a little over a year ago, I was always an energetic, highly motivated, smiley and fun person... always on the go. I somehow allowed myself to get tangled up in an abusive relationship for six years. I didn't realize that it was abusive because he never hit me and rarely ever called me names. What he abused was my trust. He cheated over and over. His charming ways to bring me back always worked. It wasn't until I no longer cried when I found out about his lies that I knew I had to leave.

Now that I have been trying to educate myself on depression, that I by the way began suffering from when I left him, I have learned that the relationship WAS abusive. He was like a drug addiction. The honeymoon phase was like the high of a drug. The cheating made me so angry I wanted to rip his guts out... I would leave every time.... just so that he would crawl back to me like a beggar on his hands and knees.... then ah yes, the high again.

It has been a year since I broke it off. I had to file a restraining order against him because he kept showing up at my work and my home begging me to come back. He has violated it four times and I have to go to court next month because of it. :hearts:

I am trying out different ADs and started therapy. I am hoping this website will also help me deal with all these issues. Thanks!

Hi and Welcome to DF Choc Lab

Well done for getting out of an abusive relationship. You have done the right thing, but yes it is incredibly hard.

Its wonderful that you fight for yourself and that you are going to therapy. It really works wonders for what you have been through.

You find a lot of support, compassion and understanding here.

You may find the relationship room and various medication rooms helpful.

Please make yourself feel at home.

Trace

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Hello All,

As someone else has said in here, I'm new to the forum but am an old hand when it comes to depression & anxiety.

I'm a 45 year old married female with a teenage son (who thank God doesn't seem to have inherited my illness thus far). I'm a graphic designer for a large law enforcement agency here in Central Florida and have been blessed with a loving & supportive husband & son.

I first started experiencing panic attacks around the onset of puberty (12 years old) and have suffered every few years or so ever since.

My depression/anxiety cycles usually take the same path - I'll be feeling pretty "normal" and going about my life but before I know it, I'm starting to isolate myself, losing interest in daily activities, becoming irritable, gaining weight, sleeping too much, taking my thoughts way too seriously and then the eventual descent into depression sets in complete with the crying jags, negative/racing thoughts, jitters, panic, sleeplessness and weight loss. Once I hit that feeling of despair & hopelessness, I'll finally get help & go back on my meds. I'll slowly get well and return to "normal" for a year or two before deciding to ditch my medication and eventually I slip back into the depression/anxiety cycle again.

Today when I went to my psychiatrist's office, I realized that because of my lengthy history with depression, I'm one of those people who might need to stay on meds indefinitely and I need to learn to accept that and be okay with it. Another thing I need to do differently this time around is reach out and join a support group or forum like this one. I need to stay in touch with other depression/anxiety survivors and remind myself that I'm not alone.

Thanks for listening!

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Hello All,

As someone else has said in here, I'm new to the forum but am an old hand when it comes to depression & anxiety.

I'm a 45 year old married female with a teenage son (who thank God doesn't seem to have inherited my illness thus far). I'm a graphic designer for a large law enforcement agency here in Central Florida and have been blessed with a loving & supportive husband & son.

I first started experiencing panic attacks around the onset of puberty (12 years old) and have suffered every few years or so ever since.

My depression/anxiety cycles usually take the same path - I'll be feeling pretty "normal" and going about my life but before I know it, I'm starting to isolate myself, losing interest in daily activities, becoming irritable, gaining weight, sleeping too much, taking my thoughts way too seriously and then the eventual descent into depression sets in complete with the crying jags, negative/racing thoughts, jitters, panic, sleeplessness and weight loss. Once I hit that feeling of despair & hopelessness, I'll finally get help & go back on my meds. I'll slowly get well and return to "normal" for a year or two before deciding to ditch my medication and eventually I slip back into the depression/anxiety cycle again.

Today when I went to my psychiatrist's office, I realized that because of my lengthy history with depression, I'm one of those people who might need to stay on meds indefinitely and I need to learn to accept that and be okay with it. Another thing I need to do differently this time around is reach out and join a support group or forum like this one. I need to stay in touch with other depression/anxiety survivors and remind myself that I'm not alone.

Thanks for listening!

Hi chakkuri, welcome to DF! :hearts:

Sorry that you're suffering. Panic attacks are really horrible and that's a long time to suffer with them.

I hope you'll find the forum helpful. there are always lots of people here to listen and to help you out with stuff.

It does sound like staying on meds might be the best option for you. It's really hard to accept that you need them at all, never mind that you need them indefinitely. You'll find lots of people here that can understand those feelings.

Feel free to browse around the forums, there are a lot but you'll get used to the place soon.

PRT xx

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Hi,

My name is Kim and I have been suffering from depression close to 20yrs.

I did a search about depression and found this board.

Haven't had a chance to look around, but it seems like a great community of people. :flowers:

Hi Kim (Moody Blues) and :hearts: to DF!

I'm so glad to meet you and happy that you found us! You will meet lots of caring and supportive people here. Look at the informaton on the Portal, other areas of site, as well as all the different subforum rooms. Make yourself at home!

Iowa

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Hello, this is the first time that I have logged on but I have been a member for about a month now. I have had depression since as long as I can remember. I didn't really realize it until someone pointed it out to me, I then started to see a Psych and she prescribed me a anti depressant. Wow, what a difference that made in my life. All those years and I never really realized how unhappy I was, I started taking anti depressants about 10 years ago. I am 53 now and I have tried several different meds and I just started effexor xr 2 weeks ago.

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Hello, this is the first time that I have logged on but I have been a member for about a month now. I have had depression since as long as I can remember. I didn't really realize it until someone pointed it out to me, I then started to see a Psych and she prescribed me a anti depressant. Wow, what a difference that made in my life. All those years and I never really realized how unhappy I was, I started taking anti depressants about 10 years ago. I am 53 now and I have tried several different meds and I just started effexor xr 2 weeks ago.

Hi and Welcome to DF Carmelo

It is wonderful to see you posting.

I am so glad that you are in treatment and that it has bad a difference in your life.

You find a lot of support and compassion here.

You may also find the effexor room beneficial.

Please make yourself feel at home.

Trace

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Hello, this is the first time that I have logged on but I have been a member for about a month now. I have had depression since as long as I can remember. I didn't really realize it until someone pointed it out to me, I then started to see a Psych and she prescribed me a anti depressant. Wow, what a difference that made in my life. All those years and I never really realized how unhappy I was, I started taking anti depressants about 10 years ago. I am 53 now and I have tried several different meds and I just started effexor xr 2 weeks ago.

Carmelo,

Welcome to DF..nice to see you posting.

:hearts:

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Good morning everyone. I am 42, married, a mother of 2 teen girls, and no longer work. ( I used to be a nurse. ) I was diagnosed with major depression at 13, and it's been an off and on battle ever since. Right now I am not on any medications but after a year of not going to the doctor I made myself an appointment for next month. Then I registered at this forum yesterday in the hopes of finding some strength to muddle through. Thanks to all here for making this a place where those like me can find some shelter.

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Good morning everyone. I am 42, married, a mother of 2 teen girls, and no longer work. ( I used to be a nurse. ) I was diagnosed with major depression at 13, and it's been an off and on battle ever since. Right now I am not on any medications but after a year of not going to the doctor I made myself an appointment for next month. Then I registered at this forum yesterday in the hopes of finding some strength to muddle through. Thanks to all here for making this a place where those like me can find some shelter.

Hi and Welcome to DF Cammeel1

You are definitely not alone and you will find a lot of support and understanding here. I am glad that you are going back to the doc.

I hope you find a lot of strength and courage here. DF is a wonderful place that is a safe place, where you can just be yourself.

Please make yourself feel at home.

Trace

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Hello and welcome to all the new peeps,

Chakkuri,

I'm also one of those people that will probably be on meds for the rest of my life but I've made peace with it. I need to take Lipitor for my cholesterol so I just look at Paxil as another med that I need to help me.

Yesterday, I went to my first group therapy session ever. I found it online by myself because none of the doctors, therapists and even my psychiatrist ever mentioned it but I figured I had to do something other than just take the meds they dish out. Even though I was freaked out all morning over the thought of going, once I got there the warm reception I received put me completely at ease. We cried and laughed, received support and gave support to those who needed it. I don't know what I was expecting but everyone was so normal, intelligent and compassionate. I noticed that when I was giving someone a hug or trying to help them, I didn't hurt as much for myself, it was a wonderful experience and I am definitely going back next week.

Stay strong :-)

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