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Tired Of The Ups And Downs


larkinthemorning

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I am so tired of being on this roller coaster...I will have one good day then 4 or 5 bad ones. I will have one good night of sleep, then the anxiety will hit me the next night and I will have to take klonopin to sleep, which I hate, or just suffer with only 2-3 hours of sleep. I have to have my wits about me during the day to care for my two little ones, and my husband doesn't mean to but he puts so much pressure on me to "be the woman I married". I drive myself crazy trying to find reasons for why I had a good day versus a bad one, I obsess about sleeping, I let my kids watch too much tv because I just don't have the energy to deal with them much of the day. And I feel so guilty, like I am depriving them of the childhood they deserve, I look around at all the things that need to be done in my house and just want to cry. And I can't even do that, after being on celexa for two weeks I seem to have lost the ability to cry. I feel like I am just going through the motions most days, and that makes me feel like a shell of a person. I just want some peace in my life and it seems out of my reach.

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Do I ever know what you mean. I feel the same pressure and guilt you do. I can't offer much advice because I struggle every day with the same problems and have found no relief. But don't give up. Focus on those (as the last doctor I saw called them) "activities of daily life", keep looking for a med that works, get into therapy. As long as your kids are being fed and kept clean, they'll be okay while you need to work on feeling better.

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Hi Lark,

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. I can definitely relate to the ups and downs of starting a new drug. I started Celexa about 3 weeks ago. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You need to give yourself time to heal and get better. Just because your kids are watching more tv than usual right now doesn't mean that has to last forever. just think of it as something temporary to help get you through this rough patch. you need that extra time for yourself right now to focus on getting better. once you feel better you can start to do other things with them again. your're not depriving them of anything. you're doing the best you can to care for them under very difficult circumstances. things will get better.

in addition to the meds are you in any sort of therapy?

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Hi Ophelia123,

I am doing therapy every week in addition to the meds, I actually started the therapy before the meds. It is helping, but slowly. I find that when I get good sleep I am like a different person, and when I have a hard time sleeping I beat myself up all day the next day and let the anxiety about tonight build up all day too. It's such a vicious cycle. How are you doing on the celexa? Are you finding it to be helpful? I really wish my brain had an off switch -- I am trying really hard to step away from my thoughts and not let them "take over" but it is such a slow process, one step forward three steps back.

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Hi Lark,

So far the Celexa hasn't been helpful for me. But I guess it still hasn't been long enough. The past few weeks have been pretty rough.

I have sleep problems as well and have for years. I take ativan or immovan to sleep most nights but they aren't as effective as they used to be since I've been taking them for so long. All I feel like doing is sleeping . I feel like I'm tired no matter how much sleep I get.

I can really relate to what you said in your ealier post about feeling like a shell of a person. that's exactly how i feel. like an empty shell of my old self. sometimes it bothers me and sometimes i'm so empty i don't even care.

i also feel overwhelmed just looking around my house (actually it's only a small apartment) and seeing all the things that need to be done. it's amazing that you're able to cope with taking care of two kids, i can barely even take care of myself. you should be proud of yourself.

i think it's pretty common to cry less on drugs like celexa. sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's not.

have you thought about asking your husband to come to therapy with you a few times? so you could address the way you feel pressured to get better.

i live with my boyfriend and he's being really understanding right now. but i know there is a limit and i'm definitely testing it.

one other thing about celexa i've found is that it really decreases my appetite. i usually love to eat but i have no interest in food at all right now. have you found that?

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I'm sorry you're still having a rough time, my heart really goes out to everyone who is struggling because it's just so tiring and debilitating. I feel like my kids at least keep me grounded because I know I have to care for them no matter what, although that contributes to my anxiety too, that something will happen to me and they won't be ok. My own mother sent us away when I was a kid so she could get sober, and it took years before we were able to have a relationship again...I see some parallels there in my own issues now. Still, the obsessive thoughts are what perpetuate the cycle for me, and I am hoping the medication alleviates that somewhat so I am able to really deal with the core issues that keep re-surfacing.

As far as the food, yes, I am definitely not interested in eating (which is RARE for me!) and I've lost about 5 pounds in the last couple of weeks without trying. Although occasionally I crave sugar (mostly ice cream), but mostly I just stare at the food in the refrigerator and think oh, I should eat something, but I just can't get up the energy to actually do it. And when I have food in front of me, I can eat a little but then I just have to get it away from me. Not that it makes me ill, but it almost kind of sad to see it there. That sounds a little crazy now that I am writing it.

I hope you keep posting here, sometimes it helps me just to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head. I just keep reminding myself that this is a journey I have to take, for whatever reason, and that things will change because the only real constant in life IS change. But it sure helps to be able to talk to other people who understand the despair and the pain.

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So sorry you are struggling with the Celexa at the moment. They say people often feel worse before they fell better when starting meds. Have no idea why this is so. Perhaps the med is working & 'Re-wiring" your serotonin pathways, hence the reason you feel blah. And it takes time to do this rewiring ? Still, I don't know why this is so. My own experience with meds leaves me pretty much disfunctional for the first few weeks, hence the reason why I dread starting a new med.

Hang in there & hopefully things will take a turn for the better in a week or so

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I can really relate. I think its a great idea to have your husband go with you to therapy. You dont need the extra stress of tryingt to please someone else while you are getting better. You must focus on yourself to be a good mother ad thats what your doing, you are being a great mother by taking care of your mental health. My mother was ill when I was growing up and she never sought help or treatment. Im sure I would of had a different life had she started her meds 20 years earlier. I am having a real hard time with the meds. I have one great day , then I feel scared and pure terror. Someone said we are rewiring our brains and I can feel it happening and Im scared to death!

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As far as the food, yes, I am definitely not interested in eating (which is RARE for me!) and I've lost about 5 pounds in the last couple of weeks without trying. Although occasionally I crave sugar (mostly ice cream), but mostly I just stare at the food in the refrigerator and think oh, I should eat something, but I just can't get up the energy to actually do it. And when I have food in front of me, I can eat a little but then I just have to get it away from me. Not that it makes me ill, but it almost kind of sad to see it there. That sounds a little crazy now that I am writing it.

You've just described my eating habits to a tee. All I eat is sugar, sugar, sugar. When I'm irritable/excitable I eat without realising I'm doing it but when I'm down it is effort to even open the packet and chew. When I'm down food tastes like cardboard, no matter what it is. I haven't cooked a meal for weeks. The only time I eat properly (as in a meal) is if I'm eating out. Then I rarely finish my food.

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