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Weeding

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I'm a 16 year old guy from the UK who suffers from extreme depression. It's painful to wake up and face the world every morning, and yet at the same time my sleep is inconsistent and plagued with nightmares. Scarcely a moment goes by where I'm not in the depths of despair.

I had a very, very traumatic childhood. My father was an alcoholic who was drunk 99% of the time, my mother was and is an extremely anxious and depressed woman who had several mental breakdowns when I was young. I remember the arguments my parents would have in the middle of the night, screeching the most damning insults at one another.

Our family has moved around a lot, and I've lived in some pretty run down places, so I've never had the chance to make friends or really feel that I belonged anywhere. I've always been the outsider, despised and shunned.

My brothers (6 and 4 years older than me respectively) were emotionally effected by all of this and started beating the living s*** out of me when I was 5 or so. They also verbally abused me, using me as a scapegoat for pretty much everything that went wrong be it losing on a video game or internet down time. I was pretty much a designated punching bag for them to take out their tantrums and aggression on.

At school I was extremely unhappy. The other students, particularly in secondary school, absolutely hated me and did everything within their power to make my life a living hell. The bullying that they subjected me to was ruthless and emotionally devastating, but it hardened me, and now I'm so cold (on the exterior that is) that I frighten people - even grown men are afraid of me.

Said bullying led me to subsequently drop out of education altogether, leading to the darkest period of my life - 4 years in a darkened room with nothing but my thoughts. My family never spoke to me, checked on me, or otherwise gave a s***, and I had no friends or aquaintances. We were/are poor as dirt so I had no hobbies that I could pursue. For four years it was literally me and my already warped mind. Looking inward really ****ed me up.

But now that I'm doing something with my life, the demons still haunt me. I do everything that I'm supposed to but I'm bleeding inside. Everyone that has tried to help me has failed and suicide no longer seems an act of desperation, but rather it seems the logical way to escape from whatever it is inside of me that makes me hurt the way I do.

Anyway, I can't really think of anything else to add to that. I just wanted to tell people the way I feel. Thanks for reading.

Edited by Bleeding
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I'm a 16 year old guy from the UK who suffers from extreme depression. It's painful to wake up and face the world every morning, and yet at the same time my sleep is inconsistent and plagued with nightmares. Scarcely a moment goes by where I'm not in the depths of despair.

I had a very, very traumatic childhood. My father was an alcoholic who was drunk 99% of the time, my mother was and is an extremely anxious and depressed woman who had several mental breakdowns when I was young. I remember the arguments my parents would have in the middle of the night, screeching the most damning insults at one another.

Our family has moved around a lot, and I've lived in some pretty run down places, so I've never had the chance to make friends or really feel that I belonged anywhere. I've always been the outsider, despised and shunned.

My brothers (6 and 4 years older than me respectively) were emotionally effected by all of this and started beating the living s*** out of me when I was 5 or so. They also verbally abused me, using me as a scapegoat for pretty much everything that went wrong be it losing on a video game or internet down time. I was pretty much a designated punching bag for them to take out their tantrums and aggression on.

At school I was extremely unhappy. The other students, particularly in secondary school, absolutely hated me and did everything within their power to make my life a living hell. The bullying that they subjected me to was ruthless and emotionally devastating, but it hardened me, and now I'm so cold (on the exterior that is) that I frighten people - even grown men are afraid of me.

Said bullying led me to subsequently drop out of education altogether, leading to the darkest period of my life - 4 years in a darkened room with nothing but my thoughts. My family never spoke to me, checked on me, or otherwise gave a s***, and I had no friends or aquaintances. We were/are poor as dirt so I had no hobbies that I could pursue. For four years it was literally me and my already warped mind. Looking inward really ****ed me up.

But now that I'm doing something with my life, the demons still haunt me. I do everything that I'm supposed to but I'm bleeding inside. Everyone that has tried to help me has failed and suicide no longer seems an act of desperation, but rather it seems the logical way to escape from whatever it is inside of me that makes me hurt the way I do.

Anyway, I can't really think of anything else to add to that. I just wanted to tell people the way I feel. Thanks for reading.

All I can really say is that when you hit rock bottom, it can only get better. I think that there are issues that everyone will face throughout their childhood, but the degree itself may vary greatly. It's unfortunate that you've had to take the brunt of things, yet I'm positive that there will be a day when you are truly satisfied with the person you have become and the experiences that have led you down that path. It just comes in time. Just hang in there, and if there are circumstances that are out of your grasp, then don't beat yourself down for where they take you. Just remember to take advantage of the things that you can change.

A big problem I had, which I think led to most of my depression, was a lack of self-confidence. Like all things, it takes hard work and practice to build it. You have to experience the world and it's people regardless of how you think they will treat you. The more you do this, the more you learn about the nature of others and the more you learn about yourself. Just put yourself out there, and I guarantee you that you will discover that there are many others that are like-minded.

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Guest friendlyone

Hi Bleeding,

First I can only express absolute disgust at what your family has done to you. Your mother's condition would probably come from living with your father too I would guess. As to your so called brothers, I can't find words to say what I think of them. I would guess they are destined for prison with the attitude you describe.

You've had a nightmare so far and as Dead Leaf says it can only improve. But that's up to you to seek help and treatment etc or simply be a copy of your father and brother. Which I know you don't want to be.

You say you dropped out of school 4 years back and you are now 16. You write extremely well for someone with that sort of limited education and that tells me you are either a self taught writer or simply very intelligent. Either way it shows qualities that will allow you to change the path your family set you on.

I hope you are not living with that family any more but if you are that is the first thing to change if you can.

You also say now you are doing something with your life and then talk about suicide. I don't follow that as if you have been strong enough to do something with your life suicide shouldn't even be a thought.

Focus on one thing. You don't have to be what your family has tried to make you. At 16 you can change it. But to do so means treatment and a lot of hard work and self analysis (which I think you've done mostly based on your words here).

Suicidal thoughts are over powering but they are just thoughts, not orders. You only get one life and so far you've had a dreadful introduction to life. You deserve better and I suspect that the awful treatment you've had may be an asset in you moving away from that sort of life style as you don't want to be like the rest of your family. You can see a chance and I hope you take it.

Best

Friendly.

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Thanks everyone for the encouragement.

Friendlyone,

My brothers have improved immensely over the years, and no longer exhibit the violent behaviour that they once did. However, neither of them speaks to me anymore - they quite literally haven't said a word to me in four years despite us living in the same house.

I am a self-taught writer, and have always been extremely academic. This is a positive quality but it has never worked in my favour.

By "doing something with my life" I mean that I'm attending college now, when from 12-16 I justs stared into blank space contemplating how ****ed up I was. But the suicidal feelings and depression have actually worsened.

Of course, I do want to improve my current predicament and I'm trying to, but nothing I do seems to rectify whatever "it" is inside of me. Nothing really brings me joy of any sort and I'm essentially despondent.

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Guest friendlyone

Hi Bleeding,

Outstanding that you have got yourself to college. I doubt many others could get to where you are given your background. You must be very strong underneath all that abuse. Don't waste that, few of us have that level of strength.

The mental effects of such abuse do run deep and haunt us for a very long time so recovering from it is hard work and tough to do, especially at your age. Most just ignore it and drink their lives away instead. I did that for 20 years. Anything to hide the horror from themselves.

Regardless though of how you feel today please know that people can and do overcome the absolute worst horrors all the time. Many don't too of course but focus on those that do.

The suicidal thoughts are very powerful and tempting but what it actually is is our mind being unable to see a solution for us so it offers what it knows as an escape. It's based on your life experience you see. If you had been through situation X 20 times before your mind would have a record of how you got through it.

If though you have no previous experience of getting through it the mind only has one solution for stopping the pain. Ceasing to exist. Suicide isn't what most of us actually want at all you know, regardless of how bad our lives are. What we seek is relief from the pain.

In my own case I have been right to the edge and set up the "end" twice as I saw no other choice either. I pulled out both times (obviously) so today when I get those thoiughts, which I still do sometimes, I know I can get through it by doing what I did the previous times.

It doesn't stop the thoughts from coming when things go bad but it does allow my mind to give me alternatives other than suicide.

Do you follow what I'm saying? If you can find a way to ignore the thoughts you will feel better. It may take a while, a long while maybe, but you will get through it.

The main way is through treatment. Which means therapy and meds or just one of those. In your case I'd suggest therapy/counselling may be the best as the meds trail can be difficult and take a long while to find a med that helps you. I use meds as I'm a long term depressive but I still don't like taking them. They do though help relieve symptoms so they may be helpful to you at the worst times. Think of it like you would headache tablets. When you get a headache bad enough you take a headache tablet and it helps relieve the pain. Anti depressants do much the same but they do have other side effects which are often unpleasant. Things like nausea, constipation, dry mouth and many more. They don't sound too bad but living with them is.

I see in your words a strength that I don't see in many people. You may be one of those people who comes from adversity and rises to whatever level you want given the determination to survive you have shown.

I'm glad your brothers have calmed down as they too would be badly affected and it's good to hear they have changed from what they were towards you.

Very best

Friendly.

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The advice is very much appreciated.

I feel that I should consult a counsellor, as in my current psychological condition it will be a struggle to make it to the end of the month. My only reservation is revealing personal issues to a total stranger. I've done this once before and it was used as a way to insult me.

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I can understand that. That was what stopped me getting professional help for so long. The reality is, there are good and bad counsellors, they vary in skill, qualifications, experience and personality. Some people you click with and others you don't. What I suggest is not give up and keep at it until you find someone you're happy with. If you see someone and find after some sessions that it's not working, find somebody else. I'm very lucky that I've only had to try twice before finding somebody who really made me believe I could really get through the s***. Her approach made total sense to me and I'm confident now that I can make it.

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