Anyone ever wish they didn't know the truth about their past?

[WhyAreWeHere]

In retrospect over the past few years because of therapy and talking to a professional, ESPECIALLY the past few weeks, I notice I'm getting more angry about my life and allowing myself to be pushed around, belittled, disrespected by everyone from family to friends and everyone in between.

 

I grew up in a very broken family, terrified by seeing my parents physically attack each other.

My cousin sexually assaulting me at the age of 7, he was 15, thankfully nothing happened, but the mere fact that he tried - that obviously did something to me, not sure how it affected me.

Bullied and picked on through my grade school and high school years.

A drunk father who terrorized me for a decade easily.

Jealous friends whenever I was with a girl (they were gorgeous) but the comments from my one "close friend" condescending..

It just never ended.. 

Here I am at 48, my life isn't anything to be proud of.  I'm struggling to keep my sanity and my life together.

The point in all this, I just wish I had never realized what happened to me in my life because I'm hating myself for not standing up for myself.

The obvious reason I didn't was, because I never felt I was cared for or loved by my parents, even though they had their "moments" which in retrospect was probably more abou them in the moment than actual "love" ---whatever the fk that means.

 

Anyone else with me in thinking it probably is best to not have dug deep in their own history and just let it be.. because looking back really hurts and makes me wish more I wasn't alive.

[sober4life]

Sure I wish they had an amnesia pill that we could take to make us forget everything.  Does it help to talk about everything?  Maybe after many years if we survive going through it all it might make us stronger but it's a huge risk.  We could do that or just get rid of it all and start over.  Talking about things is extremely overrated.  It mostly just helps the people we're paying to talk about it.  It knocks the crap out of us.  

[surfcaster]

14 hours ago, WhyAreWeHere said:

In retrospect over the past few years because of therapy and talking to a professional, ESPECIALLY the past few weeks, I notice I'm getting more angry about my life and allowing myself to be pushed around, belittled, disrespected by everyone from family to friends and everyone in between.

 

I grew up in a very broken family, terrified by seeing my parents physically attack each other.

My cousin sexually assaulting me at the age of 7, he was 15, thankfully nothing happened, but the mere fact that he tried - that obviously did something to me, not sure how it affected me.

Bullied and picked on through my grade school and high school years.

A drunk father who terrorized me for a decade easily.

Jealous friends whenever I was with a girl (they were gorgeous) but the comments from my one "close friend" condescending..

It just never ended.. 

Here I am at 48, my life isn't anything to be proud of.  I'm struggling to keep my sanity and my life together.

The point in all this, I just wish I had never realized what happened to me in my life because I'm hating myself for not standing up for myself.

The obvious reason I didn't was, because I never felt I was cared for or loved by my parents, even though they had their "moments" which in retrospect was probably more abou them in the moment than actual "love" ---whatever the fk that means.

 

Anyone else with me in thinking it probably is best to not have dug deep in their own history and just let it be.. because looking back really hurts and makes me wish more I wasn't alive.

Didn't and doesnt help me, at all

[rainingviolets]

The best gift I was ever blessed with is repression. The more that is uncovered, the more I realize what an incredible gift it is. 

[mmoose]

Remembering the past is a double edged blade.  We cannot learn if we completely forget the past.  But we cannot wallow either. 

Learn what you can and move on.  Be better for it.

It sounds like WhyAreWeHere is learning self-respect. Great. Some anger seems normal and appropriate when reflecting upon the past experiences.  Is this anger going to consume you?  Or, can you grow? move past the past and be better in the future.  Or, do you let the actions of others, no matter how wrong or how long ago, continue to dominate your present and future?

Isn't life about learning and doing better the next time?  Well, that and catching pokemon...

But yes, we all have different levels of digging to do in our past in order to learn or understand.  And some things seem to not be a "get over it" ever.  And yes, sometimes 'forgetfulness' is the most important skill we can use.  (different from repressing, which I employ frequent and often...forget? never! those grudges don't hold themselves)