It always ends in tears

[Thanos]

I recently found what I thought was a charming woman near me on another app and we started dating, but now I think that she is already over me. She hardly texts anymore and when she does she never asks about me just tells me about herself and her adventures. I'm feeling ignored, yet I still want this to continue because in my head a toxic relationship is better than no relationship at all. Plus I have a REAL hard time even talking to anyone else. And those that I do talk to end up being... unavailable. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Most days I think I'd rather die than spend any more time alone. On my days off I sleep most of the day because I have nobody but me in my life and it hurts something fierce. Especially after being rejected out of hand right after her birthday was, and I quote, "one of the most amazing days of [her] life". It was a complete 180 and being autistic it caused me to melt into a crying mess AT WORK which then led to losing my full-time status which led to more crying. Everything in my life is going **** up and I can't stop it. What can I do different? I've felt like I've run out of options to meet anyone.

[womanofthelight]

Did  you meet this woman in person or online?  It's been my experience that online contacts can and often do evaporate overnight.  How about auditing a continuing education class in something that interests you?  Writing, computer technology, a language?  Person to person contact is more reliable, I think.  Don't give up.  Every day you have another chance to begin again.

[Thanos]

6 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Did  you meet this woman in person or online?  It's been my experience that online contacts can and often do evaporate overnight.  How about auditing a continuing education class in something that interests you?  Writing, computer technology, a language?  Person to person contact is more reliable, I think.  Don't give up.  Every day you have another chance to begin again.

I met her online, but on an app that's designed to connect people within your own neighborhood and other adjacent neighborhoods. I've met all my (failed) partners online. It's a lot easier, because I have a real hard time connecting to people in real life. I don't really know what to say to make myself seem interesting or hell, even likeable. Plus, like I said I'm almost 38 so there are many people my age who are already married or in long-term relationships so my prospects are thin to begin with.

[Epictetus]

I am so sorry you are in the situation you describe.  Loneliness can be terrible.  I actually used to get panic attacks when I was too lonely, so my heart goes out to you.

Relationships, I think, are not something that one can make happen through skill alone.  Luck is involved too.  And people are often driven by unconscious or barely conscious needs and desires that go all the back to unmet needs in their childhoods.

There are books and articles on helpful  "people skills."  Many are available for free on the Internet.  They address things like how to make oneself more attractive, desirable and likable. 

One can increase the odds of making friends by increasing the number of acquaintances one has.  Taking classes as womanofthelight suggested is a great idea.  One can also do volunteer work.  If a person is religious, going to religious services can increase the number of acquaintances one has. 

I was once a college recruiter and my boss told us the story of how he used to be a door to door vacuum cleaner salesman.  He said that if a salesman rings enough doorbells there is always someone who will buy a vacuum cleaner.   Its the law of averages.

Human beings developed to get relationships through personal contact.  We seem to be wired to use all our senses: sight, sound, smell, touch and so on.  Online relationships are a new thing that is helpful but is not based on how we are wired to make relationships and so they can be problematic, I think.  Not saying they don't work.   But they are different.

People seem to have a need to export what they have too much of and import what they lack.  But people don't always know everything about themselves.  They don't know their unconscious needs and desires which can be powerful motivators in their lives.  So they don't always know what they really need to import and export in terms of relationships.

We all need to find people who like and need us and who we need and like.  It is a very challenging situation as you know.  Part of it is increasing our presence to more and more people.  One can see how this works by noting that famous criminals in prison often receive love letters.  Out of the millions and millions are people who see them on the news there seem to be some who fall in love with them.  Curious phenomenon isn't it? 

This happens with movie stars and celebrities too.  Right? 

If you are not comfortable meeting people in the conventional way, this limits your pool of relationship candidates.  In this case you are kind of limited to online meetings.  I would guess that perhaps you would increase your odds if you increased your number of online acquaintances.  Just guessing here.

I can definitely understanding what you mean about toxic relationships versus none at all.  I wish I had the kind of insight and wisdom to help you but sadly I am also struggling with the kinds of things that you are struggling with.  Forgive me if throwing ideas out there isn't helpful to you.  I spent so long trying to not be alone that I found that I actually liked being alone, at least most of the time.  So I am the last person on earth to give you personal advice other than the random things I mentioned which I read in books.

I hope you will find what works for you.  I am so sorry that things don't seem to be working out with the person you met online.  Disappointments can be really crushing. 

 

[Thanos]

8 hours ago, Epictetus said:

I am so sorry you are in the situation you describe.  Loneliness can be terrible.  I actually used to get panic attacks when I was too lonely, so my heart goes out to you.

Relationships, I think, are not something that one can make happen through skill alone.  Luck is involved too.  And people are often driven by unconscious or barely conscious needs and desires that go all the back to unmet needs in their childhoods.

There are books and articles on helpful  "people skills."  Many are available for free on the Internet.  They address things like how to make oneself more attractive, desirable and likable. 

One can increase the odds of making friends by increasing the number of acquaintances one has.  Taking classes as womanofthelight suggested is a great idea.  One can also do volunteer work.  If a person is religious, going to religious services can increase the number of acquaintances one has. 

I was once a college recruiter and my boss told us the story of how he used to be a door to door vacuum cleaner salesman.  He said that if a salesman rings enough doorbells there is always someone who will buy a vacuum cleaner.   Its the law of averages.

Human beings developed to get relationships through personal contact.  We seem to be wired to use all our senses: sight, sound, smell, touch and so on.  Online relationships are a new thing that is helpful but is not based on how we are wired to make relationships and so they can be problematic, I think.  Not saying they don't work.   But they are different.

People seem to have a need to export what they have too much of and import what they lack.  But people don't always know everything about themselves.  They don't know their unconscious needs and desires which can be powerful motivators in their lives.  So they don't always know what they really need to import and export in terms of relationships.

We all need to find people who like and need us and who we need and like.  It is a very challenging situation as you know.  Part of it is increasing our presence to more and more people.  One can see how this works by noting that famous criminals in prison often receive love letters.  Out of the millions and millions are people who see them on the news there seem to be some who fall in love with them.  Curious phenomenon isn't it? 

This happens with movie stars and celebrities too.  Right? 

If you are not comfortable meeting people in the conventional way, this limits your pool of relationship candidates.  In this case you are kind of limited to online meetings.  I would guess that perhaps you would increase your odds if you increased your number of online acquaintances.  Just guessing here.

I can definitely understanding what you mean about toxic relationships versus none at all.  I wish I had the kind of insight and wisdom to help you but sadly I am also struggling with the kinds of things that you are struggling with.  Forgive me if throwing ideas out there isn't helpful to you.  I spent so long trying to not be alone that I found that I actually liked being alone, at least most of the time.  So I am the last person on earth to give you personal advice other than the random things I mentioned which I read in books.

I hope you will find what works for you.  I am so sorry that things don't seem to be working out with the person you met online.  Disappointments can be really crushing. 

 

That's exactly what happens when I get too far into my own head, I start crying and get anxiety attacks because I feel that nobody likes me enough to spend any time with me, so even at work I feel alone. Part of the autism is that I can say exactly the wrong thing at the worst time and never even know it, which makes people hate me even more. This is why I said I have a real hard time talking to anyone in real life. Because I worry about what I'm going to say that will insult anyone around me.

 

Also, if relationships are in part the result of things that go way back to childhood then I'm really screwed. Because in my childhood I would beat the shit out of my mom whenever she tried to do anything to or with me. It was bad and it took me until my mid-20s to change my behavior around. Part of me is always scared that that part of me will resurface which makes it even harder to talk to women.

Yet another thing I've noticed is that women never want me too close to them. Which just hurts right down to the soul. At least the single ones behave like this. Like every time I try to get close and make my intentions clear they feel like they need to clear out as fast as they can. I have no clue what I'm doing wrong to deserve such treatment. This last one is a clear example of what I'm talking about. I think she was/is using me as a sort of ATM and when I tried to get closer this happened. This mess when she only talks to me when she wants to share shit about her life and no longer cares about what goes on in my life. She used to come to my place at least once a week and we would cuddle or share a controller on my Switch and explore games like The Stanley Parable or Grim Fandango. Then her birthday comes around and I go all out. Get her a massage and we do an escape room, and I gift her with a necklace. Spent around $250 for the whole day. She even said it was the best birthday she ever had, but afterwards I think she knew that I wouldn't be able to top that so she just cut bait and ran. They all do this. I treat them like queens and they all freak out and leave. I just want to know what I'm doing wrong so it doesn't happen the next time I meet someone, provided that actually happens of course.

Finally I need to say that going online and trying to distract myself by watching YouTube videos just makes things worse. Every other ad break they show me ads for marriage companies or for engagement jewelery companies and it just feels like even YouTube hates me and thinks I should be married by now. That hurts so much.

 

[June322]

Dating is extremely hard right now. Relationships used to be more black and white but now there's so many factors in what makes up a relationship that I think men and women just don't know how to date each other anymore. I hope you don't take what I say with any offense and I'm just going to give you my view as woman and as someone with many girlfriends in relations. married and single have to say and their experience. For started it worries me to hear many woman seem to be uncomfortable around you. There's something going on there that you're doing that's making women feel unsafe but since you didn't provide many more details I wouldn't know what that something is but if a woman does not feel safe and comfortable around you, immediately the relationship is going nowhere.

your violent outburst towards your mother and that fact that you beat her up for years is probably part of the reason women dont feel comfortable around you too. You might not be aware of your own actions and how you come off but you doing that stuff well into your twenties makes me wonder the type of behavior you do around women that you think is normal but is not.

The whole money thing, it really depends on what you expect from your partner and what you want out of the relationship with them. Many women have jobs and stats show that women are working more then ever because now they work inside and outside the house and men dont tend to contribute with household chores the way women do. A working woman of today wants to feel like their boyfriend can be a providers if they have kids that takes months of recovery and if spending $250 on a date made you feel like an ATM instead of feeling happy that you treated the woman youre with on her birthday with care then thats another problem.

I honestly think you need to get some theraphy that focuses on how you are in relationships and talk to some professionals that will help you get better and that will help you find a nice woman. It sounds like theres a lot of issues that are preventing you from developing a healthy relationship and if those dont get resolved itll be harder to find someone.

[Thanos]

On 3/1/2023 at 3:15 PM, June322 said:

Dating is extremely hard right now. Relationships used to be more black and white but now there's so many factors in what makes up a relationship that I think men and women just don't know how to date each other anymore. I hope you don't take what I say with any offense and I'm just going to give you my view as woman and as someone with many girlfriends in relations. married and single have to say and their experience. For started it worries me to hear many woman seem to be uncomfortable around you. There's something going on there that you're doing that's making women feel unsafe but since you didn't provide many more details I wouldn't know what that something is but if a woman does not feel safe and comfortable around you, immediately the relationship is going nowhere.

your violent outburst towards your mother and that fact that you beat her up for years is probably part of the reason women dont feel comfortable around you too. You might not be aware of your own actions and how you come off but you doing that stuff well into your twenties makes me wonder the type of behavior you do around women that you think is normal but is not.

The whole money thing, it really depends on what you expect from your partner and what you want out of the relationship with them. Many women have jobs and stats show that women are working more then ever because now they work inside and outside the house and men dont tend to contribute with household chores the way women do. A working woman of today wants to feel like their boyfriend can be a providers if they have kids that takes months of recovery and if spending $250 on a date made you feel like an ATM instead of feeling happy that you treated the woman youre with on her birthday with care then thats another problem.

I honestly think you need to get some theraphy that focuses on how you are in relationships and talk to some professionals that will help you get better and that will help you find a nice woman. It sounds like theres a lot of issues that are preventing you from developing a healthy relationship and if those dont get resolved itll be harder to find someone.

I don't know if "uncomfortable" is the right word. I know that I can come across as very nervous and awkward because of my lack of experience plus my autism prevents me from reading someone else's emotions so I might see something that's just not there. That's pretty much what I meant by "uncomfortable".

 As for my abuse towards my mom, I was just answering the theory that Epictetus put forth that something from my childhood may be seeping through. That was during my teenage years. I'm almost 38 now. Plus it took a lot of hard work during my 20s to turn myself around which is where I think I missed the prime years of my dating life. So now my thoughts and acts of "violence" are more turned inward. During these times of complete loneliness and isolation I tend to have a habit of self-harm. Because I feel totally unloved and feel like nobody would bat an eye if I was dead. I also think a lot about faking my own death just to see who would come to my funeral, if anyone would come at all.

I would argue against your statement about working women. I'm a lot more traditional when it comes to dating which means low body count, strong possibility to have kids, and a homemaker. I want to be able to provide for a family of my own, going to work and having a wife and kids to embrace when the day is done.

The whole $250 I spent thing I did feel happy about, at first. Then when she started ignoring me and basically fell off the map instead of spending more time with me, that's when I started to think that maybe I overspent. That I got taken for a ride. It was fun in the moment, and I would gladly do it again, but the way I was treated afterward created a huge hole in my heart that will probably never heal. I know for sure that I will never spend that much money on anyone for anything unless she puts in the work as well. Unless she puts in an equal amount of money for my birthday I can't see myself spending anywhere close to that much for a woman's birthday.

I really think that my issue is that I've become that "nice guy" that gets friend-zoned immediately while the woman goes out and bangs the bad boy, only to complain about how she's being treated and wonders where the good guys are. Being autistic only makes things worse because I can never be sure if a woman is really into me or if she's playing me like a fiddle. Experience has taught me that most women do the latter which admittedly has led to a lot of trust issues. I also have the unlucky habit of being attracted to women who are already taken in one way or another. Which does sick for my self-esteem and also leads to the aforementioned self-harm.

[June322]

14 hours ago, Thanos said:

I don't know if "uncomfortable" is the right word. I know that I can come across as very nervous and awkward because of my lack of experience plus my autism prevents me from reading someone else's emotions so I might see something that's just not there. That's pretty much what I meant by "uncomfortable".

 As for my abuse towards my mom, I was just answering the theory that Epictetus put forth that something from my childhood may be seeping through. That was during my teenage years. I'm almost 38 now. Plus it took a lot of hard work during my 20s to turn myself around which is where I think I missed the prime years of my dating life. So now my thoughts and acts of "violence" are more turned inward. During these times of complete loneliness and isolation I tend to have a habit of self-harm. Because I feel totally unloved and feel like nobody would bat an eye if I was dead. I also think a lot about faking my own death just to see who would come to my funeral, if anyone would come at all.

I would argue against your statement about working women. I'm a lot more traditional when it comes to dating which means low body count, strong possibility to have kids, and a homemaker. I want to be able to provide for a family of my own, going to work and having a wife and kids to embrace when the day is done.

The whole $250 I spent thing I did feel happy about, at first. Then when she started ignoring me and basically fell off the map instead of spending more time with me, that's when I started to think that maybe I overspent. That I got taken for a ride. It was fun in the moment, and I would gladly do it again, but the way I was treated afterward created a huge hole in my heart that will probably never heal. I know for sure that I will never spend that much money on anyone for anything unless she puts in the work as well. Unless she puts in an equal amount of money for my birthday I can't see myself spending anywhere close to that much for a woman's birthday.

I really think that my issue is that I've become that "nice guy" that gets friend-zoned immediately while the woman goes out and bangs the bad boy, only to complain about how she's being treated and wonders where the good guys are. Being autistic only makes things worse because I can never be sure if a woman is really into me or if she's playing me like a fiddle. Experience has taught me that most women do the latter which admittedly has led to a lot of trust issues. I also have the unlucky habit of being attracted to women who are already taken in one way or another. Which does sick for my self-esteem and also leads to the aforementioned self-harm.

You’re not the nice guy at all. Nice guys and nice people in general don’t act nice just to gain a partner. You seem to suffer from the nice guy syndrome where you think you’re the nice guy where women use and complain about the friendzone where in reality you’re the complete opposite. I never met a guy that claimed to be the nice guy that’s not the problem 😅 I would recommend you to research on the nice guy syndrome and why the men like you that complain about being the nice guy that gets friendzone and Believe the bad boy gets the girl are the issue. Reading your responses I can see why you’re having issues with girls and this mindset will leave you single longer then 38.  You claim to be traditional but then say you want the girl to spend equal amount of money as you on your birthday 😅 that’s not traditional at all.  Traditional men are providers and don’t like and want women to spend money on them because they view women as someone to protect and provide for. Those men don’t want women spending their money on them equally that’s not a traditional relationship that’s modern 50/50 financially. 
I really hope you can get out of this loop 🔁 because it’s concerning to read this stuff that only leads to more women and men getting hurt with this mentality 

good luck 

[rainingviolets]

"bang the bad guy"????? WHAT????

I have to go with June on this one. Listen to yourself! I wouldn't let my daughters near you!

[Thanos]

On 3/4/2023 at 11:07 PM, June322 said:

You’re not the nice guy at all. Nice guys and nice people in general don’t act nice just to gain a partner. You seem to suffer from the nice guy syndrome where you think you’re the nice guy where women use and complain about the friendzone where in reality you’re the complete opposite. I never met a guy that claimed to be the nice guy that’s not the problem 😅 I would recommend you to research on the nice guy syndrome and why the men like you that complain about being the nice guy that gets friendzone and Believe the bad boy gets the girl are the issue. Reading your responses I can see why you’re having issues with girls and this mindset will leave you single longer then 38.  You claim to be traditional but then say you want the girl to spend equal amount of money as you on your birthday 😅 that’s not traditional at all.  Traditional men are providers and don’t like and want women to spend money on them because they view women as someone to protect and provide for. Those men don’t want women spending their money on them equally that’s not a traditional relationship that’s modern 50/50 financially. 
I really hope you can get out of this loop 🔁 because it’s concerning to read this stuff that only leads to more women and men getting hurt with this mentality 

good luck 

Bad wording. I just don't know how to describe what's in my head. I said this because I've been trying to find help online, mostly on YouTube with these podcasts that have on as guests women that I was trying to describe, women that I've been meeting, ones that don't want that traditional role of a woman and would rather work without allowing me to provide for the family. It was also a mistake to say that I wanted a woman to spend as much as I do for a birthday. I would be happy if someone just acknowledged it. I need to know that I'm not invisible in a woman's life like I constantly feel in the relationship I find myself into. It really hurts that I phrased my intentions and thoughts so poorly. For that I must apologize. I never meant to offend or anger anyone. I'm just looking for help with how to improve myself so that I can have that traditional family unit.

So if I'm this "nice guy" that's really the problem then what are those problems and how do I fix them? I know one of my problems is that I talk before I think (evidenced above clearly) but what are some other problems? I try to tailor my work schedule around potential dates. I open the door for women and I call when she's I'll just to check in and see how she's doing. I'll spend extravagantly on her birthday and even learned how to give massages so we don't have to go to a professional. I feel like I've done all the right things, it's just that my foot-in-mouth disease and general awkwardness prevent me from even starting a conversation because I'm afraid it will go the exact way this thread has gone. I don't want that. How do I fix that? Where do I start?

[June322]

On 3/6/2023 at 3:02 PM, Thanos said:

Bad wording. I just don't know how to describe what's in my head. I said this because I've been trying to find help online, mostly on YouTube with these podcasts that have on as guests women that I was trying to describe, women that I've been meeting, ones that don't want that traditional role of a woman and would rather work without allowing me to provide for the family. It was also a mistake to say that I wanted a woman to spend as much as I do for a birthday. I would be happy if someone just acknowledged it. I need to know that I'm not invisible in a woman's life like I constantly feel in the relationship I find myself into. It really hurts that I phrased my intentions and thoughts so poorly. For that I must apologize. I never meant to offend or anger anyone. I'm just looking for help with how to improve myself so that I can have that traditional family unit.

So if I'm this "nice guy" that's really the problem then what are those problems and how do I fix them? I know one of my problems is that I talk before I think (evidenced above clearly) but what are some other problems? I try to tailor my work schedule around potential dates. I open the door for women and I call when she's I'll just to check in and see how she's doing. I'll spend extravagantly on her birthday and even learned how to give massages so we don't have to go to a professional. I feel like I've done all the right things, it's just that my foot-in-mouth disease and general awkwardness prevent me from even starting a conversation because I'm afraid it will go the exact way this thread has gone. I don't want that. How do I fix that? Where do I start?

I don't think it was bad wording.You meant what you said. In order to get better we have to say the issue out loud even if its wrong so we can hear why its wrong and we can address the issue head on. I understand your frustration because lonely single men are on the rise and its becoming a huge issue. Many women can be alone and be just fine especially when we have close girlfriends by our side. Women friendships ten do be deeper and we can be vulnerable with each other in ways many men struggle with. I Say this to say the issue is men and women are on a crossroads of dating and I genuinely wish more men had guidance because it seems like men don't have good male role models to turn to. 

 

You mentioned you have an issue and you;re looking for help and advice online and come across podcast. I understand why you turn to those podcast but believe those podcast are only contributing to men rise in loneliness and hatred towards woman. Often times those podcast sell programs to men and prey on men insecurities to make money and are not there to help. So my number one recommendation is to stop turning to these podcast for advice because all their doing is feeding hate for both men and woman about each other. 

When you do these act of services for women and expect something in return they are going to sense that. Try taking a woman out with zero expectation and let yourself enjoy the date and see how different you'll feel and what the outcome will be. Just based on writing i can sense a little bit of desperation from you understandably so and you're making woman uncomfortable and they can sense a feeling of entitlement for you and that pushes them away. When you make a woman comfortable and feel safe trust me you will both have a fantastic time no matter what you do! But if you keep a mindset of feeling like woman owe you something because of your active of service than you're never going to get anywhere.

[Thanos]

1 hour ago, June322 said:

I don't think it was bad wording.You meant what you said. In order to get better we have to say the issue out loud even if its wrong so we can hear why its wrong and we can address the issue head on. I understand your frustration because lonely single men are on the rise and its becoming a huge issue. Many women can be alone and be just fine especially when we have close girlfriends by our side. Women friendships ten do be deeper and we can be vulnerable with each other in ways many men struggle with. I Say this to say the issue is men and women are on a crossroads of dating and I genuinely wish more men had guidance because it seems like men don't have good male role models to turn to. 

 

You mentioned you have an issue and you;re looking for help and advice online and come across podcast. I understand why you turn to those podcast but believe those podcast are only contributing to men rise in loneliness and hatred towards woman. Often times those podcast sell programs to men and prey on men insecurities to make money and are not there to help. So my number one recommendation is to stop turning to these podcast for advice because all their doing is feeding hate for both men and woman about each other. 

When you do these act of services for women and expect something in return they are going to sense that. Try taking a woman out with zero expectation and let yourself enjoy the date and see how different you'll feel and what the outcome will be. Just based on writing i can sense a little bit of desperation from you understandably so and you're making woman uncomfortable and they can sense a feeling of entitlement for you and that pushes them away. When you make a woman comfortable and feel safe trust me you will both have a fantastic time no matter what you do! But if you keep a mindset of feeling like woman owe you something because of your active of service than you're never going to get anywhere.

I completely agree that men are very much lacking in good role models and I really wish I had one to look up to, but I don't. My father was exactly the kind of man I wanted to work toward being the exact opposite of. He was much the traditionalist sort of husband that I want to be, but completely off the deep end of "traditional". He felt entitled to coming home to a wife with an already cooked meal and hardly paid any attention to my me, my mother, or my brother growing up. I am still told the story of the day that my brother was born. My father wasn't with my mom that day at all. Instead he took me out for dinner and ice cream. All my other friends are either committed bachelors or guys who are just interested in "getting some" (their words). I feel completely alone because I want to be somewhere between these two extremes that I've spent my entire life trapped in.

I think I have to disagree with your advice that I just go out on a date and enjoy it with zero expectations. I think that, if there is one thing that isn't toxic that I've learned from those podcasts (and possibly the only thing) is that I need to set my standards and be fine with those standards, and to express those standards from the outset so that there isn't any confusion or misinterpretation on why we agreed to the date in the first place. Date with a purpose, which in my case is to find a wife that complements my life. Which I think should be said from the outset. I think that anyone who is interested in dating me, should I find them, deserves at least that much respect.

I am about to turn 38 years old. I don't have any time left to date just to date. I should already be settled down with someone already, and here is where my concerns about my autism come in. I'm scared to death to start conversations with women because I absolutely cannot read body language, unless it's very blatant. I need to be told that a woman is in fact interested because I have never been able to tell when a woman is flirting or if she is just being friendly or if she wants me to leave her alone. Story time: just after I was finally confirmed to be diagnosed with autism, my dad was dating a school councilor (he was dating her for 6 years at this point), and she was helping me with what I thought was a whole new identity. She calls me crying a storm and I know something is up. She helped me so much that I saw her as my stepmom in all but name. That's the sort of blatant body language I can recognize but anything less I struggle with understanding. Plus since it took until I was 30 to find out I had autism, plus to get completely over the violent tendencies I had in my youth, I always feel like I'm 10 years behind in terms of dating. Like in your early 20s you might be dating just to figure out what exactly what you want from a relationship, and by the time you're in your mid to late 20s you know what you want and have a pool of women who know what they want as well. Then by the time you hit your late 30s or even 40 you've found that person for you and already have a family. I'm still feeling stuck in my late 20s in terms of dating. Almost every woman I meet that I get attracted to is already deep into dating someone else or already married.

Sorry for the novel there but there was a lot to unpack. Hopefully it clarified some things about my mindset, struggles and feelings.

 

[Thanos]

Bump for more insight please. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm regressing, with much more frequent violent thoughts and more difficulty controlling them. I barely made it through my work shift today.

[Evergreenforst4]

Hi Thanos,

One thing I think that is absolutely crucial is to make the woman feel safe.

In your earlier posts you talked about how you beat your mom and holding back angry or violent thoughts. Try to put yourself in the woman's position, if you were the woman and you saw angry men who are pent up or violent when you barely know them. You have to make a better impression in this regard. Buying jewelry and escape room is something that sounds fun but you should hold off on stuff until you become official boyfriend/girlfriend.

With the current woman it sounds like she had a great time so then if I was in that position I would ask if she wants to be boyfriend/girlfriend and if she says no you would ask for the reason why (without losing your cool) then if she says no you are free to date and find another woman but as an autistic person you need to be more blunt and sincere how you are on these forums, you have to be honest with woman instead of just putting on a facade about what you want. If you feel frustrated with dating you have to tell them, tell them how you plan to work anger management or goals that you may have like getting back to full work.

But I think working on yourself is most important and please hear out because you have probably had relationships in the past and you need to honestly ask yourself if you were happy in the relationship? You could have a beautiful woman date you but you could still get mad and unhappy even in the relationship you also have to work on mental health and wellbeing as well.

You sound very traditional so I think you should look for women are who looking for marriage. There are a lot of very high quality woman like that but you need to treat them well and will probably have to be patient because they usually will wait to have relations until marriage typically. Just keep that in mind, if you want to rush into something casual than you should not be surprised if they bail, I think with your autism you probably would want something more serious, traditional and structured so I would look for marriage partner, you could try religious dating site. You have to be patient and work on mental health because those relationships are slower paced typically.

Also time is not the issue, men don't hit menopause. There were knights in medieval times who did not marry and have kids until their 40's, I think you are working really hard and getting frustrated but you can do cool things like escape room, you already know how to talk to women, you just have to be more honest and work on anger issues and communicating honestly in a relationship and I think you will be fine.