Friends Are Not Forever

[oOAllyOo]

SORRY ITS SO LONG!!!!

I want to know, am I wrong?

I have an ex best friend from highschool who ive known since 10th grade. We began to become best friends senior year (2006) and since then were okay.....until I started to date my BF. After that, mine her relationship went spiraling....no where :| I honestly don't know what to do with her. But let me explain to situations before I get confusing :P

She is currently married to a man whom she and everyone knows, doesn't love. She never did love him. They only wanted each other for the sex, and she admits this openly. They married when she was 18, I believe he was 20. She has never been happy with him, and their relationship is one big horrific monstrosity that needs to end... but she hasn't the strength to do it. Mostly, she is afraid of losing. The reason she married him was because she wanted to prove to everyone that she could do it. That she could have a happy relationship and live happily ever after...even with a man she doesn't love. Everyone told her not to, every one said it wouldn't work. But she wanted to prove them that they were all full of crap. During this time, I NEVER discouraged her relationship. I always supported her, I always let her do what she wished. Even though I clearly saw the ruins of her relationship all around her. She lives like trash now and always has with him in their little apartment. They live in absolute filth. With the smell of cat feces (from living with 2-3 cats), hoards of flies, and rarely cleaning up after themselves. They never wash the dishes, and they never pick up after themselves. Even physically, their bodies are rotting away. Rot is the perfect word to describe her life at the moment. Her living condition, her relationship, her health, her friendship (being I), all rotting away. And yet, she hasn't the power to do anything about it. She isn't happy either. No way is she happy. She tells me how she always thinks about suicide, how she plots ways to do it. Hanging, pills, electrocution, etc. I have told her numerous times how she should never give up, how its not too late to better her life, but she has to do something NOW. According to her, I have saved her life simply because she thought of me before attempting to commit the act....

For a while, me and her were hanging around with a few friends. One of them, she had a deep high school crush on.... it lasted all of high school. 4 Years, this girl was obsessed with this guy... and with out even thinking of it, I was falling for the same exact guy. Back in high school, she told him how she felt, but he never returned the feelings. He just didn't feel that way for her. Because of this, she thought he didn't have a heart, she thought he couldn't love. Despite the rejection, which hurt her much, they continued to be friends. In high school, she tried so much to gain love and acceptance from different guys, even if it meant doing them...favors. She was notoriously known in high school as a vacuum cleaner, yet, she continued to do what she did. She even dated the best friend of the guy whom she had the crush on, but later cheated on him with her now husband. Her excuse was, "he wouldn't put out." When I told her my feelings about this guy, she finally told me about her crush on him, which I never knew about. I think that my expression of my feelings about him brought her old highschool feelings for him back up. I could see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice... she still had deep feelings for this guy. It brought me much pain. It scared me. I didn't know what she felt about me liking him, but since I wasnt dating him, she was probably happy to see that her own best friend had such a large thing in common with her. So we always talked about him and she told me so much about him I never knew because me and him never were real friends in highschool. Only acquaintances. She knew him well, but she never knew his sentimental side, since he rarely showed it. She always wondered if he had one, but I do remember her saying that he can be a jerk sometimes, but he is an incredibly nice person. I told her if she was okay with me asking him out, and telling him how I feel. She gave me a stern "tell him!". And, after waiting so long and ******* myself over him, I finally told him how I felt about him. It went better then expected and we began a journey into the jungles of love. We are both each others' first in everything :)

Through out our relationship, I could feel my friendship with her slowly deteriorating, and falling away. What I thought was a close friendship, was now becoming complicated and twisted. I was with him most of the time, and was probably picking up his verbal habits and thinking style. He has a really unique one after all. She never did like his playful rude side, and as time went by, she felt as if I was picking this up from him, although she never told me. She told others and I had to find out through them about what she was saying. She began finding new friends, and spending her time with them. She rarely called me. She was with these friends most of her time. It was probably a reaction to me spending so much time with my boyfriend and not her, and to my changing in personality that was becoming similar to his. She probably found comfort in these friends, the comfort that she cant find with me, and its probably all because of one guy. I felt a bit betrayed that she was finding new friends to be with and wasn't asking me if I wanted to spend time with her. I felt hurt. But she didnt like the changes in me, and she never told them to me. So she just made new friends, friends who have nothing to do with my boyfriend. Friends whom even disliked him. Her relationship with her husband is nearly non-existent.

I have tried coming to her about all this. Sometimes, it seems like she understands, but a lack of care is there too. She doesn't want to be alone. And she doesn't want to tell me everything. She never confides in me. She never talks to me. And I don't think its just a part of her personality which I thought before. Its something deeper. Something much more deeper that developed once I began my relationship with my boyfriend. She grew to detest me and the new changes I was making. And how much exactly does the fact that she had such deep feelings with him before affect our relationship? Probably a lot. During our relationships fall, I told her that she needs to make new changes. I finally told her that her relationship with her husband is probably not the best for her and she should consider divorce. I also told her that the new friends she was making were not her true friends. They were her comfort buddies. Hang out buddies. I wanted her to know that I was her true friend. That I will always be their for her. But something was not changing her feelings. She wants none of me, and she wants all of them.

Perhaps it is for the best? Its just sad to see someone I have been best friends with for so long let me go simply because of a guy and because of changes I was making that she didn't like. I have tried many times to come to her about everything, but I can never get through to her. Her doors were always closed to me. So like I said, perhaps this is for the best?

This must be tiring to read. I'm tired of typing after all! But it HAD to come out. I needed to get this all out. Their is SO much more than this, but I should end it here. I hope you all can understand and put some light on my situation for me, how ever bleak it may seem.

Edited March 27, 2008 by oOAllyOo

[slw]

she obviously sounds like she has some depression problems -- you mentioned that she talked of suicide.

it's probably hard for her to talk to you and have to think about your happy relationship with your boyfriend -- the one that she wanted -- and then compare it to her unhappy marriage to a man that she never loved.

if she went around giving "favors" for love & acceptance, then she must be a very insecure person as well.

it sounds like you miss your friend, but i can't help but be sorry for her.

[Miss Mouse]

So sorry about your loosing your friend. Your right though, they don't seem to last forever but it sounds like you have some good things going in your life so maybe its time to move on.

I lost my best and only friend a few years ago and even though I have apologized repeatedly she will have nothing to do with me. She too slept around a lot trying to find love, even sleeping with my husband while we were dating. I forgave her as we were just dating and we had no commitment. Well I tried fixing her up with different guys and none ever worked out (she is pretty overweight). One guy I fixed her up with ended up more interested in me and I did a terrible thing and slept with him. Since that day (over 3 years ago) she has had nothing to do with me. She thought I was awfull even though she was notorious for sleeping with friends husbands. All of the sudden she was beyond reproach, it was like she forgot all the things she had done in the past. I tried to contact her one last time a few weeks ago and she still will not speak to me.

I forgave her but she cannot forgive me.. I just can't hold a grudge against anyone especially a long time friend and its hard to believe she would. I guess she has to live with that.

Its pretty sad that you can have such a long relationship with someone and then its like it never happened. I still miss our friendship but it is what it is and I can't change it.

Edited March 27, 2008 by Miss Mouse

[oOAllyOo]

She is very much indeed an insecure person. Its apparent to everyone who knows the definition of the word and knows her true self. Ive always wondered how she feels about me being with him and being so happy. I try to make her feel better about her current failing relationship by telling her that we have an argument once a week, but we do always get over it calmly and nicely. All couples will argue about something. I feel bad about everything as well, I feel as if I did something wrong to her, but I love this guy so very much. We both are so attached to one another. Perhaps its like that saying, some things were meant to fall apart so other things can come together....

Like it never happened. Sometimes, thats how she acts. Like our friendship never happened. She cheated on her boyfriends, she cheated on her husband. And she cheated on me. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Trust me though, I have tried to help her, SO many times. I tried so hard. But it only brought me down. Now, I must move on with my own life.

Edited March 27, 2008 by oOAllyOo

[Miss Mouse]

Good plan, move on!!! And I wouldn't make up stories that you have fights with your boyfriend to make her feel better, if she were ever a true friend she would be happy for you. Be happy and be done with her.

I did so many things for my friend even to the point of buying her food, buying her a dress for a special occassionand countless other items, all of which she promised to pay me back (except for the food, I did that because she was my bestest friend) and never did. I didn't care and didn't even ask her for the money to be repayed. Our friendship was worth way more than anything money could buy.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is our friendship was a one way friendship and that's not much of a friendship in my opinion. This sounds like your so called friendship as well...

You take care {{{hugs}}}

Suziee

[Tweed]

Hi there Ally,

Sounds like a lot of your time revolves around this friend. Alarm bells start ringing when I hear things like:

"According to her, I have saved her life simply because she thought of me before attempting to commit the act...."

^Sounds like emotional blackmail to me. Also the fact you supported her sham relationship gives off messages that you're a softy. I don't know, there's just a lot about your post that sounds as though you're being used. Also you're not equipped to help this person on your own. She needs some serious help here but she really has to want it too, she has to want to change. So many people in the world feel as thought they just haven't suffered enough.

What you've gotta ask yourself is:

Is the friendship worth salvaging?

Why do I hang around, what am I waiting or wishing for here?

Do I really care about this person, or do I just feel sorry for them?

I've been in a similar situation with an old school friend. Took me years to work out I was banging my head against a wall. Not saying this is what you should do but I will say if someone makes you feel bad..well, do you want to feel bad?

Take care, I know this isn't easy.

[oOAllyOo]

Indeed miss mouse, its probably the best thing I can do for myself. But I didnt make up stories for her. I did have arguments with my bf XD We always get over them and I encouraged her to do the same with her relationship.

Tweed, ive never really before thought of what you said. How exactly does what I say make you come to these conclusions? How does it sound like im being used? Perhaps im not seeing it from your point of view, because I cant see it very well, so please explain to me. Not saying I dont believe your point of view, its a rather interesting one since ive never heard it before.

[Leaflet]

I feel bad for both you and her. I'd ignore her for now, perhaps she needs to do this to work through her issues, maybe these experiences will change her. You did try to help as much as you were able, what more can be done?

I have a slightly odd twist on this. I have a high school friend who used to fancy me a lot. Unfortunately for her, I'm gay, so nothing could have happened, although had I been straight we'd have been a perfect couple. None the less our friendship continued to grow and we told all our secrets and worries to each other. So after school we went our separate ways off to different universities. Not too long, she got a bf. We were both very insecure about sex and relationships, until I lost my virginity at uni and obviously until she got her bf. What saddened me is that she didn't tell me she had a bf until I told her I had lost my virginity, even then she implied she had done nothing sexual with him, saying she felt insecure about it. Later on, I found out from another friend that she had had this bf since the start of uni and that she had done all sorts of things with him. Why did she tell the others and not me that she had a bf? And why had she lied about having had sex with him? Was our entire friendship based only on the fact that she liked me, and now that she has found a bf she feels she should no longer bother with me? Not too long a go, I asked if I could visit her house to say hello to her family. She said she was busy that evening so I asked if another day, but she implied it would never be appropriate. I feel bad she doesn't seem to have time for me any more but I can only move on now.

[Tweed]

The possibility of you being used jumped out at me out due to a bunch of stuff that happened a good many years ago. I'd like to share what happened with you cause I see many similarities. I don't think your friend sets out to deliberately use you, it's more of an indirect consequence. Same as my own situation.

My best friend at high school and for many years after was a really sweet gay guy. I was the first person he came out to and for a few years his sexuality was a secret only the two of us knew. This wasn't a problem, nor should it have been. He would tell me about his latest crushes and it was all innocent teen talk for a while. These were the good years.

As we got older and into our mid to late teens he asked me to attend a few social groups (Scouts, volunteer work that sort of thing), so I could meet with his latest crush. Always got the impression that he was seeking my approval of whoever he liked at the time. I was always polite and in instances where I thought a guy might have been a drop kick, I'd keep my mouth shut, just for the sake of being supportive really. None of these crushes ever eventuated into anything, he still wasn't comfortable being open about his sexuality at this stage - and for good reason, our school was rough as guts.

But our friendship became very one sided, he was never interested in anything that I had to say, or any troubles I may have been facing. Anything I said was met with a blank look until it was his turn to speak again. I didn't know it at the time, but I endured this because I felt sorry for him. I spent a lot of time traveling around town to various parties and outings to meet various guys who he fancied and his crushes changed with the wind, it was pretty stressful being pulled every which way. But in the end I was the one who allowed that to happen, I could've said no, but I never did.

Eventually he joined a few gay social networking groups around town and that was the best thing for our friendship. He got a boyfriend, came out to everyone and things were ok for a while. But then every time he had trouble in a relationship it'd be me he'd call on. Which offended me because he'd always brushed my problems aside. But I was a mug and didn't address this issue because I felt sorry for him and truth be told thought his friendship would probably be as good as I'd ever get. This went on for years and years.

The beginning of the end was when I moved to the UK, we kept in contact via the internet. Few years later he went traveling around Europe and was heading to the UK. Naturally I suggested we meet up, but he wasn't too keen and brushed the idea aside. Bit odd I thought, but didn't think too much of it. Months went by and I was staying in Australia over Christmas. He phoned me up and told me to come to Scotland to meet some new guy he'd met but I had to come within two weeks because he's leaving after that. Oh dear, that was it I said 'no way' to which he said "oh no but this guy's *the one*" He always said this. I kinda laughed and changed the subject. He cut the phone call short, and that was the last I heard from him for a loong while.

About a year later he messages me on net chat randomly asking if I can keep a secret. By this stage as far as I was concerned our friendship was more an acquaintance. He very rudely and graphically started telling me how he'd been selling his body and how proud he was of it, how I should lighten up and give it a try and to please not tell his parents. (I think he was actually asking me to tell his parents, think it was a cry for help) Nevertheless that was it for me and I made the decision to cut all ties. It wasn't what he was doing so much as how he had been treating me all these years, it all came to a head in few stupid instant messages! This might sound horrible of me, there is more to it, but I fear it might be triggering for some.

Last I heard he'd cleaned up his life and is now married to a nice man. So the story has a happy ending. But looking back I see the part I played here was enabling him to treat me badly, and also I fueled his self destructive behaviour by being so agreeable all the time. Even so I'm not responsible for his life choices, nor will I ever blame myself. But what started as a good friendship turned toxic for both of us. If I could do it over I wouldn't take any crap from him, and maybe our friendship may have been a healthy one.

I see myself in your situation because it sounds like your friendship has been over for some time. But you're both kinda drifting in uncertainty about it. That's what it was like for me for yeeears. You kinda live in denial that someones gonna come back to you when they're really not. But hey it could happen, just like one day I might find friendship with my ex friend. But in the meantime I think it's healthy to look upon it as over, and move on.

[oOAllyOo]

You basically said it in your first paragraph, paper. Ive done what I could, cant do more (for the sake of myself), so for now, I can only ignore her. Too bad its a difficult thing to do, but im going to try some things. Its not going to be easy cutting out some one from my life whose been there for so many years... Its odd that you mention you're gay though. One of the people whom she turned to as a comfort friend after I spent most of my times with my bf was a gay boy. This guy she has known all of highschool as well, but they didnt really start becoming friends until this boys other best friend moved to another state and I wasnt around as much. She actually liked him, and had a crush on him as well during high school. Its basically why I told her that I didnt feel like the friendship she made with him was a true one, because like with you, she is only friends with him because she likes him. And on top of that, he was using her as well because his best friend had gone some where else. Comfort Buddies. I was hurt she was betraying me for him (but even though, she did it because I was with my bf most of the time). I did explain it to her but she continued to do what she was doing. She was basically getting ready to find some one new, friend wise, to replace me.

I see what you mean Tweed. That your friend was using you. It sounds a lot like you were his fun friend, some one to go to when he was bored, not some one who was true. My friend was also like yours in that every time I said something to her it was returned with a blank stare and a blank mind. Even when I tried to confide in her about the things I am discussing now, she would just sit there with nothing to say except for maybe a "yeah" or "i know...". Like I said, her doors were always closed to me. I don't see what she could use me for though, except for sympathy. She never takes an effort to even call me. She doesn't talk to me. She dislikes my current personality (that ive changed into). Its nice that your friend found a happy ending, but considering the road mine is going, it doesn't seem like she is trying to do anything positive to help herself. I can see it, one day, she'll divorce her husband and the guy who is supposedly gay will get with her. Thats if he likes her enough. He likes her a whole lot as a friend, but as a lover, im not sure. I don't understand homosexuality much really. Thats if she gets enough guts to end her marriage... so far, she wont do anything. She claims she is used to him... Perhaps she wont come back to me. Ever. But perhaps that is also for the best. If her life is twirling down a black hole of sadness, It is best that I dont let her take me with her. Lately, its been feeling like ive been trying to help her so much that I am allowing myself to trip into the hole with her. Its very difficult to end this like this. I almost feel vengeful towards her... for using my friendship for nothing, for never truly being a friend to me, for abandoning and betraying me. Perhaps, success is the best type of revenge. And if she ever does try to come back to me, I wont accept her. No, not for making me feel this way...

Im trying to end this silently, slightly. Last I spoke to her in person, we were ok... I didnt express any animosity towards her. I would talk to her and tell her its over, but I wont get through to her and she will probably try more self-destructive behaviors..... Jeez. Im done with that. So done.