"we dont want you to be her"

[tiredoflife1]

for most of my life ive been the happy kid. like, I could do the worst thing on planet earth and nothing is wrong. When I was little I knew i was different. I didnt like the barbie dolls, or dressing up as a princess, i just wanted to save the princess. As I got older, I tried to conform the person everyone wanted me to be. I based my personality off of the stereotypical girl, and would do anything to earn my family's love. When i lost my grandmother everything changed. i went from being choked by the weight of my own existence, to suddenly having gasps of air. She was my favorite person on the earth, but a part of me was happy she was gone because I could finally be myself. instead of conforming I started fighting for who i was. which caused a rift within my family. I was so withdrawn that everyone just stayed away from me and i liked it. i liked being alone, and being in silence. I was finally comfortable enough with myself to come out to my older sister in march of 2021. she was proud of me, and she always knew that i was different. she understood the pressure of being in a family of preachers, and going to church multiple times a week. she was a god-loving human being and she didnt care that I want straight. i never knew that she would be gone 3 months later. I lost my best friend, and my support system all in one. All eyes were on me, and I had no choice in the decision. to this day, everyone around me holds me in a higher regard, because ive lost so many people, including my father a few months after my sister. "shes so strong". yeah i have to be. Im sick of the lies, and the constant hatred for everyone around me. I hate waking up in the morning knowing my house is so silent.  I wake everyday wishing it was me instead of my sister, because I know everyone would be better off if i was the one that died that day. i just want to live in a world where nobody cares who you date and who you love. With everything that ive been through, dont I deserve this? didnt I at least earn the right to be who I am after losing everything? 

I guess not.