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Are u afraid of loosing your mum?


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I’m asking cos my mother in law had a stroke and my husband is very afraid of loosing his mum. The sad thing is I’m not. I don’t know why I have no feelings for her. I had lived with her for 9 years. My relationship with her is not good, but I do my best as a daughter in law. Actually my relationship with my husband is not good either, but I do my best as a wife. Though our arguments even today this morning can be very horrible. 

I have to say that I might feel the same way if I were to think I might lose my mum, as in, I would probably think it’s just a part of life? I had always thought that leaving this world would be so much better than living in it. And even now I kinda still feel that way. I might miss my mum and what she had done for me and how I can’t go to her house anymore, and I can’t message her or call her.

I think I kinda understand the fear of loosing my mum, but is there more to that to make my husband so afraid? Maybe cos he himself is so dependent on her? I’ve tried to never be dependent on anyone. I know people will die so if I’m dependent on them, I might not survive when they leave me (in death or still living). 

That’s life, isn’t it? People live, people die. 

Help me understand the fear of loosing a mother. Cos I want to feel what my husband feels but somehow I can’t 😞 I know I’m a bad person for not being able to feel, but I’m really trying. And because my relationship with my husband is not good that we really can’t sit n talk anymore. He is too busy with work or will spend the whole night at the hospital. My own depression gets in the way of most of our talks too. 

Actually typing this out have made me feel a little more for him. It’s hard to lose someone who had been beside u your whole life. But I still think it’s life. People live, people die. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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My mum has been in and out of my life and I have some experience of living without her.

I have personally found it to be very unsettling and sometimes panic inducing to be without her as she represents my foundation and security in life. She was always a good provider, kept us warm, fed well and clothed well ...

She was also very abusive emotionally and this is the reason I have felt the need to be away from her as I am now.

...So I've been through the grieving process for her a couple of times.

There is a very strong bond between you and the person who cared for you as a child. Even though she has caused me a lot of pain in life I still grieve for her when she is not in my life. This doesn't mean I feel I have to have her back in my life but I do recognise that there is still a strong bond which is very difficult to break. 

I still care for her wellbeing and ask about her but I am currently staying away. 

I know that in the final act when she does eventually pass I will grieve further. 

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I agree you can't be dependent on people.  I wouldn't say I was dependent on mom.  We were dependent on each other.  Neither one of us would have made it on our own a lot of my adult life or at least that's what I thought.  When she passed away I got zero from people.  You're up to bat and everyone else disappears.  Well they keep watching hoping I'll screw up like vultures or hyenas waiting to pounce.  Like you said though I can't say it loud enough everyone listening don't allow yourself to become dependent on anyone.  It has taken such work to become independent and it's almost killed me getting here.  My other parent I've found out bits and pieces about how his health is.  He'll never be fully honest about it with even his wife.  I've been certain he's been very sick since he came back into my life but I'll never know until he's gone what is wrong with him for sure.  It's just scary even if the people in your life were abusive or neglectful.  At least there was someone there.  The scariest thing in the world is believing nobody is there in a world where life is like being in the prison yard.  It's terrifying.

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On 11/19/2022 at 6:21 PM, Nightjar said:

I know that in the final act when she does eventually pass I will grieve further. 

 

On 11/20/2022 at 8:13 PM, sober4life said:

The scariest thing in the world is believing nobody is there in a world where life is like being in the prison yard.  It's terrifying.

This. Thank you both for your time in giving me a different perspective. Really appreciate it 🥰

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I'm afraid of all loss; of loved ones, of home, of stuff, of my capacities . . . everything.  I have a great deal of anxiety about it and wonder what I can do to help myself.  My sister says that fear and anxiety are habit.  Maybe so.  

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I guess there r really a lot of people who still want to live in this world so they fear the loss of their loved ones. So maybe it’s my habit to not fear loss. I actually expect loss every single day, so that when I do lose it, I could say “I knew this would happen and it did.” And of course that comes with the grieve and pain of loss 😞  So maybe I’m so used to this grieve and pain that it’s becoming a comfortable place for me. Life is hard. I thought I’ve accepted that. Have I really? 

Sorry I need the space to just talk nonsense if what I say don’t make sense…my counsellor described this time of my life as a crisis. She talked about how the last 5 weeks of her mum’s life was the worst part of her life. It’s something I have yet to understand though, but try I have to…

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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Speaking as someone who lost her Mom very recently I can tell you it's absolutely horrendous. I feel you need to show a bit more empathy. It's not as easy as saying 'people live and people die'. I lost both my parents very young. It's driven me to depression and near suicide. People live and people die is heartless tbh.

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It doesn't upset me because she's being honest I guess.  When mom passed away I cared.  Everyone else that said anything was saying what they had to say waiting to get paid or waiting to see if they were in the will.  Then they were gone.  I'll never see them again.  I think empathy is a word that tv and movies came up with because you don't see it for one second in real life.  People stop talking about the person and take down their pictures and they don't mention them again.  Nobody calls or stops by to see how you're doing after you lose a loved one because nobody cares.  It's the sad truth.

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9 hours ago, SassySox said:

Speaking as someone who lost her Mom very recently I can tell you it's absolutely horrendous. I feel you need to show a bit more empathy. It's not as easy as saying 'people live and people die'. I lost both my parents very young. It's driven me to depression and near suicide. People live and people die is heartless tbh.

I’m sorry. It’s true I’m quite a heartless person even if I try to care. There’s a lot of things wrong with me, it’s hard to get through the day. Yes I was being honest and typing and seeing your replies here did make me realise loosing a parent really can cause a person to become depressed and want to leave this world after their death. I only understand depression because life is painful and I myself am going through it. And it’s hard for me when I feel there is nothing I can do to relieve the pain of the person going through depression. Maybe small things yes, but I can never bring back his mum if he looses her. And what sober4life said is true. Everyone else doesn’t care because they only care for themselves. 

But thank you for your post, it shows that I have more stress to go through cos it’s not the end and my husband is hoping the end won’t come. I do hope u will be able to survive the emotional breakdown that happened when u lost your parents. It’s hard, it won’t be easy, and some days can be unbearable, but I hope the people around u understand u and are there for u. 

I will try to show more “empathy”. Thanks again. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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