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Finally Defeated by NYC...And Myself

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I just have to vent.

I'm 55---to be 56 in November---and find myself facing having to leave New York City after almost 40 years because I've been out of work for two years and cannot find a job and the money has run out and move home...and in with my mother.

Yes, I can blame the first year or so on Covid. The city---hell the world---shut down and there was no work to be had. But once it started up I did nothing but continue to live off what little I had and enjoy it. Sleep late, go to the gym bike around the city at night taking photographs. Every time the money started to run out, fate gave me a reprieve of some sort. But I've had my last I think and now I'm preparing items to sell to help pay my rent and my journey home.

And I know this is my fault. I should have started job hunting much sooner and not waited until the last minute, but I hated working so much when I would actually try, I would have full blown anxiety attacks and wind up fetal on the floor of my apartment.

A recent temp job which granted me yet another brief reprieve reminded me just how awful it is to spend 8 hours a day some place where you have no interest or attachment. Also, because I've oddly fallen upwards, I'm now an Executive Assistant which means I'm qualified to support C-suite executives. I don't know if you know anything about them but they tend to be high-performance, high-demand people, hence their position. They can also be jerks, seemingly incapable of understanding that not everyone is proficient as they are. If we were they they wouldn't be special. They're also prone to self-infantilization, seeing themselves as too important to learn things like how their phone of computer works.  In my job search I'd see a request for "thick skin" more than once which let me know exactly how toxic that environment was. My sister tells me to just take any job, but it's not that simple. A bad job can make your life a living hell.  

I know this is also the result of a hard week. I had a job interview for a new temp position on Monday that I did not get and honestly felt slipping away from me in the interview. This was after losing a previous temp position I'd interviewed for the previous week which looked promising. Then there were multiple rejection emails for places I'd applied to. Including my second rejection from both AMC Cable and Trader Joes. TRADER JOES!!!!

Also, a filling fell out and because this is America there's nothing I can do about it without a job and benefits. Add this to other dental issues and the left side of my mouth is now a mine field for anything too hot or cold. 

So I'm so beaten down right now I can't see anything but failure and disappointment. I'm going home a failure.

Thanks for listening.

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Hi Arthur, reading your story I can feel all the stress and anxiety you’re  under and I feel for you. But honestly I don’t think you’re a failure at all! Yes there a lot of things you could have done and anyone could have or could do to make life easier for themselves but we don’t because the obvious choice isn’t always the easiest. 
I don’t think you shouldn’t blame yourself for not getting yourself where you want to be right after the pandemic. Reading your story I get the feeling you needed to give yourself that break! You needed that break post pandemic to destress and feel better. Heak I think we all need a little vacation with everything going on.

You’re not a failure for taking rest time. You’re not a failure for loosing a job and you’re not a failure for moving home. These are things out of your control and you’re brave for not giving up and doing what you have to do to move forward.

take your time to rebuild while you’re at home with your mom and look are your current job as a temporary stepping stone for where you want to be in the near future. 

traders Joe is also not the easiest job to get so no biggie. Their kind of snobby about who they pick anyways so don’t sweat it. 
i hope you give yourself more grace and I wish you all the best in this new chapter in your life. Hopefully you can save up some money and move back to NYC when you’re ready! 

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Hi Arthur,

I think some people just like the structure of having somewhere to be 8 hours a day. The way I see it is I can spend my day in a high stress environment at work or I can spend the day being miserable and alone at home. Either way is bad but at least work pays.

I don't know if you have your own family or wife or kids but if you don't have anything and have medical and mental health problems maybe just try to get on welfare or disability and only work if you want to.

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