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lestat

How To Get Over Jealousy With Partner

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Hi all,

I was just wondering who of you get jealous when your partner talks to/about a member of the opposite sex.

The first few months of seeing her I didn't really care, like I felt independant and not worried about her associating with other guys. But it seems now I get quite jealous when she mentions anorther guys name, she hangs out with a male friend, or I see her laughing or talking with another guy. I know it's irrational so I don't say anything. i've mentioned that I have a jealous streak, But I don't always say "I was jealous when you did this or that", as I'd probably be saying it everytime I saw her.

I guess what I'm asking is this just a stage in the relationship that ervyone goes through? How did you overcome you jealousy?

I know if I bring it up it will cause a big issue and make matters worse, so do I just hold it in side?

I can't think of any startegies except that maybe the more and more I'm exposed to it, that in time I won't feel as threatened.

I tell myself "this doesn't mean anything, she just innocently talking to a guy", but it doesn't stop these jealous feelings.

I looked on th einternet and all I can find is things that say "don't get jealous about this, don't get jealous about that", but you can't just turn it off.

Edited by lestat

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What do you fear the most about this relationship? Jealousy can be caused by fear of loss, fear of rejection, life changes ......... I have only been jealous once and I felt 'green'!

I had been married for 3-4 years and had/have never worried about hubby talking or interacting with women: most of them I knew anyway. However, at an outdoor party I saw him looped over a friend dancing close, eyes shut, quite relaxed. He never danced with me ......... :hearts: when we went out together, preferring to sit on the side-lines. Well the more I thought about it during the night that followed the more green I became and by morning .......... :bump: so I told him. I made a joke of it and he was surprised that his body language had come across as it had - to me anyways!

Keep your friendship light and happy. Communicate - about everything and anything! That way you will tell if she is getting bored ......... people do survive after a relationship break up so if the worst comes to the worst ......... take each day as it arrives: tomorrow never comes, it's always today!

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Hi lestat

There could be a number of reasons you feel like this, but it can't just be turned off.

Its clear that you are starting to feel very deeply for her and it could be a fear that another guy will sweep her off her feet and steal her away from you, which is an insecurity in yourself. Worried that you are not good enough.

As leah said, it goes hand in hand with fear of rejection, loss and changes.

Jealousy, eventually turns to mistrust and some times controlling, possesive behaviour, all of which are detrimental to a relationship.

It would be beneficial to go for counselling or therapy for this, and learn to learn how to trust yourself, for you can't trust others if you don't trust yourself.

Trace

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((((((lestat))))) :hearts:

It's great you are talking openly here about your problems with jealousy and that you are actively seeking ways to manage these feelings. I know we've talked before and I've said that I also have problems with jealousy and insecurity. These feelings are no fun and I'm sorry you are wrestling with them.

Trace's idea of getting some counselling is an excellent one. Therapy has helped me a lot and I really hope you are able to find a good counsellor to work with on some of these issues.

It's also great that you realize your jealousy is "irrational" and that your girlfriend is not doing anything "wrong". I know that doesn't make the jealousy go away, but this realisation you have is definitely a huge step up from believing your gf is acting inappropriately and arguing with her about that.

So definitely keep on reminding yourself that everything your gf is doing is completely innocent and doesn't threaten your relationship in any way. It's great you are already doing that. And in the longer term, I do hope you can get some therapy also to work on some of the deeper-rooted causes of your insecurity.

You can get through these feelings lestat! And I'm wishing you all the very best.

Take care.

Joanna

Edited by Joanna

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Thanks for the reponses :hearts:

I do see a pdoc regularly is this what you guys mean about therapy/counselling? Or do you mean like a behavioural psychologist or something? I recently had to change to a new pdoc so I've only seen him twice, and I guess I haven't had too much of a chance to bring these things up.

I think it is a fear of her leaving me for somone else. Of her finding someone who's more fun loving to be around, someone who doesn't have problems with anxiety.

Also I'm inbetween changing meds so I'm probaby a bit more sensitive about things.

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Thanks for the reponses :hearts:

I do see a pdoc regularly is this what you guys mean about therapy/counselling? Or do you mean like a behavioural psychologist or something? I recently had to change to a new pdoc so I've only seen him twice, and I guess I haven't had too much of a chance to bring these things up.

I think it is a fear of her leaving me for somone else. Of her finding someone who's more fun loving to be around, someone who doesn't have problems with anxiety.

Also I'm inbetween changing meds so I'm probaby a bit more sensitive about things.

Hi lestat,

I believe a pdoc is a psychiatrist? And if so, I'm thinking you mainly discuss your meds with him? That is great and definitely a very important part of treatment. But by therapy or counselling I mean meeting with someone regularly to talk about your thoughts,feelings and behaviors (and not about your medication). My goals in therapy have always been to look at ways to change some of my negative patterns and to learn some new and more effective ways of thinking and behaving.

There are many different types of therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) could be a really good place for you to start. CBT helps us change some of our negative thoughts and behaviors and it can be very effective in self-esteem building. Of course, it's also important to try and figure out where the feelings of insecurity come from in the first place and for that, a more traditional "talk therapy" approach has been helpful for me.

Next time you see your pdoc perhaps you could ask him if he could recommend a therapist for you? Or perhaps your regular doctor could recommend someone?

Wishing you all the very best, lestat!

Take care.

Joanna

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........ who's more fun loving to be around, someone who doesn't have problems with anxiety ........ "

We can all fill needs in others but not necessarily all their needs. People split up relationships for many reasons. Enjoy her company whislt you are able to, find places to go together and have topics of conversation 'ready' : otherwise you will come over as controlling and needy: which you may be but it isn't the best way of showing your personality :-) - ask people around you how you 'come' across so that you become aware of your attitude in company. I'm always surprised at how others see *me* :hearts:

Despite our insecurities most of us are 'good' people who need to be reassured that we aren't boring, stupid, awkward ........ remember that others feel awkward, insecure etc. in social situations too!

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I'm going through the exact same thing you are right now. I didn't used to be jealous. I was incredibly confident in my hold on my boyfriend. But, now that I can tell he's so fed up with my depression it's much easier to imagine him leaving me for someone else. He talks about girls who like him at school and at work and I just want to go and strangle all of them. So far I haven't said anything to him about it. Actually, I started talking about other guys more often to get back at him. I feel like an *** everytime I do it, but I can't seem to help myself.

By the way...love the name. The Vampire Chronicles are amazing. :hearts:

Edited by Ender

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I'm going through the exact same thing you are right now. I didn't used to be jealous. I was incredibly confident in my hold on my boyfriend. But, now that I can tell he's so fed up with my depression it's much easier to imagine him leaving me for someone else. He talks about girls who like him at school and at work and I just want to go and strangle all of them. So far I haven't said anything to him about it. Actually, I started talking about other guys more often to get back at him. I feel like an *** everytime I do it, but I can't seem to help myself.

By the way...love the name. The Vampire Chronicles are amazing. :bump:

Hi Ender,

It sounds like he is intentionally trying to make you jealous. I would definitley be questioning why he is bringing up all these girls that supposedley like him. I seriously doubt that he knows for sure whther all these girls like him, in fact alot of them probably couldn't care less.

I think he is trying to get a reaction out of you. And you're right in saying that getting him back by talking about boys isn't a good thing to do, it's playing the game and feeding the problem.

Next time he does it I would say "Why do you feel the need to bring up other girls liking you when you know it upsets me?"

Another option when he brings it up is trying your best to be non-reactive. So just respond by saying "And".

I know it's so hard to control your actions when you're having such intense feelings, but I think it's a good idea to be honest about how it feels and don't play his game. He must be quite insecure if he feels he needs to constantly bring up all of these girls which "alledgeley" like him.

I'm glad you picked up on the Vampire Chonicles reference :hearts: I didn't think anyone else would pick it. I loved the movie "Interview with the Vampire" and the novels. I couldn't decide whether to be Lestat or Louis! I visited New Orleans and loved it, also saw Oak Alley plantation where some of the movie was filmed.

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I was the recipient of a jealous man in my early twenties. He made my life miserable. It crossed over into extreme attempts to control me. Everything I did was suspect, even my ballet classes and visiting my sister. It was horrible to live that way. I did not do anything to him to provoke it. He had some issues that really weren't my problem. I eventually escaped that mess.

Maybe you would benefit from talking with your girlfriend about your feelings regarding this. She probably doesn't realize how she is making you feel and she may just put your fears aside by telling you that you have nothing to be jealous of because she loves only you.

Also, look deep within yourself. I have had feelings of jealousy in the past, too, and it stemmed from a fear of being abandoned again. I eventually overcame that because I have much more confidence in myself now. I purposely cut a relationship I had in my early thirties and vowed to stay single for about 4 to 5 years. It sure broke that feeling of insecurity that I had when I was younger. If people are going to leave us, they'll leave us and sometimes we just can't do anything about it. We can't control others feelings and motives. Most important is to place value on you.

Peace and hope it works out.

Lucinda :hearts:

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Thanks for the reponses :hearts:

I do see a pdoc regularly is this what you guys mean about therapy/counselling? Or do you mean like a behavioural psychologist or something? I recently had to change to a new pdoc so I've only seen him twice, and I guess I haven't had too much of a chance to bring these things up.

I think it is a fear of her leaving me for somone else. Of her finding someone who's more fun loving to be around, someone who doesn't have problems with anxiety.

Also I'm inbetween changing meds so I'm probaby a bit more sensitive about things.

Lestat,

I'm a 40 yr old guy been married for 12 years...

I'm experiencing exactly what you're saying at the mo too. Never had problems before but suddently I'm very jealous/ insecure etc. Also, the stupid thing is shes never given me any reason to doubt her at all.

I go way over the top sometimes. Shes given me her facebook and hotmail passwords to prove theres nothing going on (I had a big paranoia issue about random fellas on facebook - you know what its like). Sometimes I cant help myself logging in and checking - sad really.

Sometimes I've confronted her about things as well or I'll go on about something silly for ages. Eventually, this annoys here if I overdo which is not cool or I guess I'll just end up pushing her towards the thing I fear.

Like you I changed meds a few months back so wondering if its this causing my problems because I was fine before (had other issues though).

Sorry cant provide any practical advice but though I'd just let you know your not the only one. One thing is I find I'm more paranoid etc when I'm having a bad depression spell so I'm fairly sure its this.

Probably not wise to trust my own feelings when I'm like this, so I try really hard not to do anything drastic at these times...

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I can relate to most of your stories have been battling with jealous insecurity issues for 20+ years of my 45 years on this mortal coil i have been very lucky to have a loving wife for the last 19 years. Went ont o meds for depression 12 years ago which managed to contain it a bit until they wore off.I agree with others about therapy i have just finished a 2 week intensive CBT course 4 weeks ago not having any sucess yet although every-one says to be patient. I too have no reason to doubt my wife in any regards with other relationships but i still get very cranky and anxious when she talks to the opp sex. My problems are that bad at times i feel like leaving to stop the chance off rejection and disapointment if it happens and she leaves due to my insecurities and depression and i feel she would have a lot less problems, i know every-one will say thats the depression talking but its talking louder than my positive thoughts at the moment.

Sorry to dump and not be able to give any direct positives but i do hope the CBT starts working soon.

Have a nice day

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