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Anhedonia apathy and numbness


Emu567

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Hi,

im a 26 year old student from wales . I have been hearing voices for the past 3 years. They are loud derogatory unpleasnent and sleazy

i also feel this intense emotional numbness . It feels like depression because I can’t feel anything positive either just sort of dull numb emptiness . I feel very detached from the people around me and I find I don’t actually care about anyone anymore - it’s very difficult to feel empathy when you have no emotions . I have started shouting things in the middle of the night because I feel so numb - I didn’t use to shout the reason I shout is because I want to feel emotions . I would never have shouted when I had anxiety and sadness. Unfortunately because I can’t feel anything I find myself yelling and screaming just to feel.

it all started when my grandma died . At her funeral I felt nothing no emotions positive or negative just indifference and apathy . I used to feel quite strongly towards my grandma but it was almost like a stranger had died no feelings. 
my dad came round today and again I felt no emotions towards him just an empty apathy . I even ran away to avoid talking to him as I can’t feel any love towards him anymore .

this is quite an uncomfortable feeling - I want my feelings back as I can’t feel any empathy or emotions towards people . Nothing has any meaning including the words I say - they don’t mean anything to me anymore .

i think I have some form of brain damage that has caused lack of inhibitions , apathy, lack of empathy and emotional numbness 

it’s a really terrible situation to be in please someone help 

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I was also repeatedly raped. The sexual abuse is continuing and has got worse recently . The men who do it see me as sub human or as a sex robot they don’t see me as a fully functioning human being with thoughts and feelings . They see me as an object as a piece of meat or flesh to be abused. It’s as simple as that 

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I also had brain surgery done by the same people who raped me. Again I didn’t consent to this . I think this is the worst part. Since the surgery I have no emotions good or bad - no happiness no sadness no anxiety no anger . Just a dull emptiness.

when my grandma died at first I felt overwhelmed with emotions and devastated . That’s when they originally operated on me . After the surgery I was completely numb - unable to grieve feel any sadness or anything . I literally couldn’t remember anything about the woman I’d grown up with and felt no emotions towards her. It was as if she was a stranger and I had no relationship towards her. Since then I gradually felt less and less and less- I became more and more numb , lost all my empathy and compassion and hope 

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I feel the same way about my dad as I did about my grandma. I simply cant feel anything towards him and cannot love him . I can’t because my brain is damaged . I also felt indifferent towards my grandparents .

i do feel regret because I have a vague memory of how I used to be. I remember loving people and also caring a lot about what other people thought of me , maybe too much . I also had a good sense of humour and would laugh easily. I used to be very sensitive not only about myself but about other people.

I no longer care what other people think of me or about other people . I have this emotional detachment from everybody around me and cannot feel what they feel

I badly want my emotions back because I can’t feel happy either - I think being this numb has damaged my mental health 

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I think I am my own worst enemy because I give ammunition to the people abusing /raping/operating on me. The more I shouted and struggled the more they operated on me and the more brain damage they gave me . The more I misbehaved and shouted at them the more they abused me . I gave them excuses to assault me. I am now severely brain damaged - and completely emotionless . 

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It is still rape and stalking and violence against women . It doesn’t excuse rape . I know I am being abused but I have no power to do anything to stop it . I am so used to it now I am completely emotionless when I think of being raped - it happened and I can’t feel anything about it 

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I am in a very bad situation- because I have been operated on and assaulted so many times . The brain damage that was inflicted on me by the surgeon has damaged me so much I’m not sure I will be able to complete my degree or hold down a job. It has made my life so difficult and a struggle . I want to be paid compensation from the surgeon but unfortunately they will try and deny that they have done any surgery on me 

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I also hear voices . One of the voices told me I was human garbage another one said they kept me on a leash another one said I deserved to be raped because I was an animal 

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