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just my depression rant


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I know we have our own stories as to why we are here. I myself have been off and on this forum through the years. Everyone here has always been amazing and supportive & I've tried to show the love I have felt here towards others either when I'm here or IRL.  Today sadly I'm back & i feel like I just need to rant, I'm sorry about wasting your time & honestly no one has to read this or reply I just feel the need to get these words out as I have no one to talk to. Here goes...

I was married for 20 years. During those 20 years I had cut myself off from family & life long friends, merely for the fact that my wife didn't care for them or that they might be a "bad influence" on me.  I did this knowingly & willingly. Why? Because she was my love & I had the mindset of "i don't need anyone as long as I have her".  I had 20 amazing years & raised 3 amazing children, then it all went away.  I was asked to leave by my wife in 2020.  More or less because she was no longer in love with me & didn't know if she ever really was.  Family and friends had all warned me for years that I was being used & settled for as a husband. I refused to believe this and alienated myself from them.  Like I said, as long as I had her I didn't need anyone else. Then it happened. I died inside that day.  Over the years I have suffered severely from depression & anxiety (as you can see from my sporadic posts). At my worst times I never knew how I'd make it through, but with the help of the folks here, medication & therapy I always seemed to bounce back. As long as I had my wife & kids around me, their love would always pull me through. This time is different.  There is an emptiness, a void, in my soul that will never be filled again.  Now the consequences of cutting people out of my life are being felt 10-fold.  I really do have no one. I'm 45, i live in my parents house because Massachusetts sucks & I can't afford to rent a place, I have no friends & I basically just want to go to sleep every night & not wake up the next day. My one enjoyment is actually going to work so I can socialize & feel semi-happy. Then the day ends or the weekend comes & I'm left with myself & my thoughts. They are crippling & consuming. I have even been invited to a co-workers house today for a cookout & I'm not going because I still can't go any place there may be other couples. I can't face not having my +1.  I see and talk to my kids as much as possible but they have their own lives & i understand they have things to do.  I still hope and pray that some day she will take me back but I know it's futile. Being with her was the only thing in my life that made sense & now nothing does...so yes I'd go back just to have that feeling of normalcy again.  I know it's idiotic but I'd rather be with someone who doesn't love me than be alone anymore.  We never fought, neither of us were abusive physically or verbally.  We were a pair in every sense of the word. It's pathetic & if I knew anyone who was talking this way I'd be the first to point that out... but that's how I feel. Because honestly if things don't change soon I don't know how much longer I can go on.  I can't have this emptiness & loneliness be my life for the next 40 years, no one should have to.

I'm sorry to go off but I told you it was a rant lol. Sadly I don't feel any better but it was nice to have people to talk to.  Thank you again DF for providing me a platform.

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I read your post and you have my sympathy.

That big fat empty void is a quintessential symptom of depression.

The trick is to see the "abyss" as a natural formation / resource.

My approach is to metaphorically anchor myself outside my deep, dark, dangerous depression "cave".

Throw all your well earned sorrow and regrets into that depression hole.

Time to move on.

My motto: Despair not / Repair a lot.

Oscar

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I read your post too and I feel your sadness and misery. I do hope things change for you and you find something to push you out to start making friends again but I kinda know the emotions that come up when you see couples and I know it’s something that can’t really be overcome in a few years. Hope you make some single friends so you don’t have to have that envious and emotional feelings. Or find a hobby of some sort. Have you thought of leaving her a type of freedom where you can re-start your life to find out what else you’re interested in and do anything and everything you want without asking anyone. But it ain’t easy I know. Take it slow ((Hugggs))

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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  • 2 weeks later...

External factors like peer pressure and competition often cause unrest, emptiness and disturb the peace of mind as a result of which common psychological errors are unknowingly committed. In this fast-paced age, people are caught in the vicious circle of aims, goals, and ambitions and they find it difficult to cope with it. Feeling lonely can also have a negative impact on your mental health, especially if these feelings have lasted a long time. Some research suggests that loneliness is associated with an increased risk of certain mental health problems, including depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, sleep problems and increased stress. That leads to depression & anxiety.

Listening to music that is soothing to the ears, also acts as a tonic to connect, fight and meet challenges. If you're dealing with Negative Thoughts, Loneliness, Stress or Anxiety. Music therapy can help you with communication and expression, help you explore your thoughts and feelings, improve your mood and concentration and develop coping & social skills.

Certified music therapists are using and recommending the healing capacity of music as a therapy to fight, motivate and cure negative thoughts. Not only can music calm your nervous system via your hormones, but it also controls Cortisol (stress hormone). What helps you to fight, motivate and get rid of negative thoughts.

 

Millions of people are regularly using Relaxing Sleep Music  and getting positive results not just to reduce stress and anxiety but for Positive energy, motivation, therapy to fight and get rid of negative thoughts.

 

Edited by Lindsay
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