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I don't want to be here


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2 hours ago, gandolfication said:

I'm not handling pressure and being tired today.  I'm burned out, and lack of money and ability to provide security for my kids seems like problems that are too big.

I feel like going.

I don't have the guts.

Back here again.

Well I'm glad that you signed on. And hopefully you don't have the guts because you're just not ready to leave yet. Your kids need you and you're giving them the most valuable kind of security by being there in their lives. That's the kind of security that money can't buy. I'm not going to compare my money problems to yours but in today's economy with prices going up and wages stay in the same a lot of people are having hard times. And trying to stretch that dollar farther than it will go also leads to stressful times and some days it is overwhelming. I hope tomorrow is better for you and if it's not make sure you come back to this forum and share.

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Darlene you are very eloquent.

I think sometimes it is just good to stop and count your blessings. Some peope want children but cannot have, or some want a job but cannot have, some actually just to be somewhere safe and not starving or forced labor. For free people the worst days they have are better than the best days of people in labor camp.

The only reason I mention this is because I know some people who got out of the place and they got to America and they are so happy even though they seem to have nothing and I see some people who are so rich, smart and beautiful but they are miserable because I think we make the mistake of believing circumstance dictates happiness but I believe it is perspective that both dicates happiness and upward circumstance.

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20 hours ago, Darlene Dunkley said:

Well I'm glad that you signed on. And hopefully you don't have the guts because you're just not ready to leave yet. Your kids need you and you're giving them the most valuable kind of security by being there in their lives. That's the kind of security that money can't buy. I'm not going to compare my money problems to yours but in today's economy with prices going up and wages stay in the same a lot of people are having hard times. And trying to stretch that dollar farther than it will go also leads to stressful times and some days it is overwhelming. I hope tomorrow is better for you and if it's not make sure you come back to this forum and share.

Thank you.

My court hearings are going well at least, and I think I'm returning to getting some things done in the office today.

Long days and nights come but about half the time I feel more alive than ever, and I need to remember that.

Thank you again

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9 hours ago, Evergreenforst4 said:

Darlene you are very eloquent.

I think sometimes it is just good to stop and count your blessings. Some peope want children but cannot have, or some want a job but cannot have, some actually just to be somewhere safe and not starving or forced labor. For free people the worst days they have are better than the best days of people in labor camp.

The only reason I mention this is because I know some people who got out of the place and they got to America and they are so happy even though they seem to have nothing and I see some people who are so rich, smart and beautiful but they are miserable because I think we make the mistake of believing circumstance dictates happiness but I believe it is perspective that both dicates happiness and upward circumstance.

So true, and I usually don't take well to this kind of it could be worse admission.  (Epicitas here does it well though).

But I've been working on this, gratitude, and specifically reducing complaining.

 

And reading Buddhism and radical acceptance and practicing mindfulness-based stress reduction in the like.

And what you're saying is absolutely true. Even not having money isn't really the problem, it's my reaction to it.

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I'm so sorry you are suffering, Gandolfication!  You are a personal hero of mine.  You are fighting an incredibly difficult battle and you are often deprived of weapons in that battle.  You remind me of the country of Ukraine which is fighting the battle of its life against almost insurmountable odds.  

From some of your previous posts, I know a bit about your medical history and so I know "in general" that the burden you bear is one of the heaviest a human being can be burdened with. 

Mental illnesses are brutally insidious.  Unlike other illnesses, they often blind the sufferer to their very existence.  Imagine being bitten by a snake with venom not only full of death but which would cause the person bitten to forget that he or she had been bitten.  Many mental illnesses are like this.

I am reminded of a saying of psychiatrist Peter Kramer speaking about depression:  "In depression, a person understands matters one way and feels them another, or sustains multiple understandings, of which the darkest are the most compelling."

Although I have been in a mental hospital because of my own mental illness, I have been spared the agonies you face and the cross you bear.  So I can look upon you only with respect, admiration and awe.  No one who isn't you can understand the torment you face.  Certainly not me.

I wish I knew what to say to ease your distress.   Please know that you are in my prayers always. 

When I am close to utter despair, I remember the words an elderly clergyman said to me.  He said:  "Despair in the absence of mental illness is a kind of pride.  It says:  "My weaknesses, failures, losses and falls are greater than God and His infinite mercy."  Despair in the absence of mental illness, there's the rub. 

I think there is something similar to this in Buddhism too, at least in some schools of Buddhism. 

If only your children were old enough to realize how heroic you are in your struggles.  I think they will be someday. 

I don't think coming to these Forums is a sign of weakness or failure.  In a battle or war, a general will use whatever strategy and tactic he can including tactical retreats.  Sometimes when one is overwhelmed one has to call for reinforcements.  This is not a military mistake.  It is good strategy.  I don't think that Ukraine begging nations for help all the time is shameful.  It is absolutely necessary when a nation is faced with superior forces.

I hope you will be able to find some tiny bit of encouragement and consolation from my poor words.  I wish I had greater and more helpful wisdom.  Others here have offered you really good words.  Please keep up the good fight my friend!

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On 8/2/2022 at 3:05 PM, Epictetus said:

Mental illnesses are brutally insidious.  Unlike other illnesses, they often blind the sufferer to their very existence.  Imagine being bitten by a snake with venom not only full of death but which would cause the person bitten to forget that he or she had been bitten.  Many mental illnesses are like this.

I am reminded of a saying of psychiatrist Peter Kramer speaking about depression:  "In depression, a person understands matters one way and feels them another, or sustains multiple understandings, of which the darkest are the most compelling."

Epic,

I could have quoted your whole post.  It was wise and generous, as I've come to know from you.  And inspiring, as much the same.
I'm just heartened by this. 

After now the 500th person in my life has told me, nearly verbatim, you're too hard on yourself, I'm starting to at least accept this as an article of faith.  I've been practicing self compassion (in the ways one can I suppose), and mindfulness....taking a really good (and completely free) mindfulness based stress reduction course palousemindfulness.

And yet, trying to really get at this thing inside me that just always says, it doesn't matter.  You're not enough.  You'll never be good enough.  And from the fundamentalist Christian teachings, you do not deserve love.  You're originally sinful and totally depraved, there is nothing good in you, no matter how hard you try You needed to be perfect, and this is of course ever more true now that you screwed up and lost your belief in the grace of God.  You deserve to and might as well **** yourself.  This stuff is baked in hard, and just keeps coming back.

Besides these constant harsh negative inner criticisms, that so many of us here and everywhere, deal with, you're right Epic, I do forget and fully discount that I have a mental illness.  I do go about my life discounting, forgetting, and not seeing that I have a thing called a mental illness and it matters, and I need more than anything else to cut myself some slack, find a way to be kinder, and find some way to find some rest.  I just assume, well this isn't new.  I can't use it as a crutch.  It doesn't help my kids or my clients or me, so I need to hold myself not just to a standard of others without mental illness, but actually the most perfect projection of those I measure myself up to (we all tend to do this).  My peers are all very accomplished, lawyers who are workaholics.  So winning a trial outright as I did on Monday, gives me a momentary feeling of exhilaration, and satisfaction - I helped someone else and did my job well, that was fun.

And then it starts over.  Because it is never enough.  Well, I'm trying to work through and make some progress on a lot of this in therapy, and some days maybe I can see it.

I'm reading my second of two excellent books on kindness.  I love them.  With every chapter I find myself crying at the poignancy of the wisdom and love on the page.  And I try.
Anyway, your post is somehow simultaneously gentle and provocative.  Thank you very much.  I have come back here to read it at the right time.  My many thanks.

-g

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