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Too Depressed To Be With Me?!


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Right now i'm so upset. My bf who had been away in another country came back a few days ago. He was taking 24 hrs care of his father who is dying ill in what basically is a hospice for the past 3 months. I had hardly heard from him and he comes back and he just didn't seem the same. I understood that he was very depressed because of what is going on, when he first came back he seemed really happy to see me but then I noticed he wasn't very happy the next day. I tried to call him up yesterday to see how he was doing and he gave me the news that he didn't want to be with me and just wanted to be friends because he is so depressed and sad because of all that is going on and said he thinks he needs professional help. But then said we can still go out and spend time as friends :bump: . He just said he doesn't have the energy for a relationship or the 'feelings' to give.. so I guess that's it. I really thought I was there for him and wasn't expecting this. I've never been in his shoes so I don't know what to think all I know is that someone I love doesn't seem to love me anymore. :hearts:

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Right now i'm so upset. My bf who had been away in another country came back a few days ago. He was taking 24 hrs care of his father who is dying ill in what basically is a hospice for the past 3 months. I had hardly heard from him and he comes back and he just didn't seem the same. I understood that he was very depressed because of what is going on, when he first came back he seemed really happy to see me but then I noticed he wasn't very happy the next day. I tried to call him up yesterday to see how he was doing and he gave me the news that he didn't want to be with me and just wanted to be friends because he is so depressed and sad because of all that is going on and said he thinks he needs professional help. But then said we can still go out and spend time as friends :bump: . He just said he doesn't have the energy for a relationship or the 'feelings' to give.. so I guess that's it. I really thought I was there for him and wasn't expecting this. I've never been in his shoes so I don't know what to think all I know is that someone I love doesn't seem to love me anymore. :hearts:

He's obviously going through a really rough time. Seeing his father everyday slowly die would be tramatizing for anyone. The fact that he still wants to hang out with you and have you as a friend doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore. If he's becoming severly depressed and is thinking about seeking professional help he's really doing a self-less thing in taking a break from the relationship. He can't be the best boyfriend to you if he can't take care of himself first. I know it sucks and it's difficult to fathom right now but just hang in there. You obvisoulsy care for him very much, so just be his best friend for now, but be sure to give him space when he asks for it; thats what he needs at this point in time. Be strong <3

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Hi IandI,

Dealing with depression can be all-consuming. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you anymore, it just means that the emotional turmoil you feel when you are depressed can suppress all other emotions (like feeling like you love someone). Of course being in love is a choice and an action, not just a feeling, but when you are consumed by depression, it can drain you of the ability to do anything, even giving the right kind of attention to a relationship. It seems to me like what he told you was an attempt to actually save you from having to deal with him. When I was deep into my depression, I used to tell my then-boyfriend (now husband) that it was okay to walk away, I would totally understand. I didn't know who I was anymore, and I didn't know who I would be at the end of that situation. I would suggest that you continue to be his friend, encourage him to get help, and just let him know you are there for him. The foundation of every love relationship should be friendship---offer him that if it's all he can give now.

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I've just had by boyfriend of 5 months break up with me for the same reason, though no family dying. He doesn't have the time or emotional energy for a relationship. But wants to be "friends". That sleep together. He's going through a divorce which was pretty nasty but is looking very amicable now since he broke up with me.

I said I would be here as his friend to support him no matter what and he said he doesn't want to lose me as a friend and that i am invaluable. But had been treating me like s*** and was cheating on me the whole time we were together and now seeing someone new. Maybe mine isnt a good example. He lied to me and the emotional line was probably just that...a line.

When I was 16 a boyfriend dumped me because my dad was dying and he didn't want to be around for that. Too much effort.

It sounds like your boyfriend is really struggling with his dad's passing and could do with a friend he can trust. Be there for him. Help him, support him, give him a cuddle when he needs it and let him know you are always there for him. Expect nothing back. Don't sleep with him. If and when he is ready he will come back to you. Otherwise he will move on. As should you. Don't be bitter like me.

You need to work out how long you can wait for him. How you will feel if he meets someone new. If you will be willing and open to see new people while he is grieving and healing.

Its not just about him, its about your happiness (or is the word contentness?) too.

Im really not an authority on this subject at all because I've been waiting for my ex to come back even though he has moved on. Several times over and I am still devestated by him. This isnt about me, its about you. Just be his friend and I will keep my belly button crossed than he sees how much he really does love you and comes back to you soon.

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:hearts: IandI :bump:

Reading your post made me think that this man loves you still and I could be wrong but thats what it feels like.

I think he is just going through a really bad time of it and cant give to the relationship at the moment the way he probably could before.

I dont think all is lost, he just needs to get help with what he is going through. He could very well fear that if he spends so much time trying to sort himself, he is going to neglect you and I dont think he wants to do that because he still wants to spend time with you. I think he still needs you in his life he just probably cant give the way he could if he was feeling better to you in a relationship.

HUGS

Isabeau :shocked:

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Being a care-taker saps energy - been there! Being in a relationship where 'things' are expected saps energy too ........ why are you taking this personally? How long have you known him? Maybe he feels more relaxed with friends, maybe he doesn't have to put on a 'face' ...... He is being honest ..... we only have so much to give and rather than dragging you into his situation he is giving you lee-way. Have you been introduced to his family at all?

Caring for someone often means lots of issues racing round the brain and people can be more issue too far! Try not to judge his options against how you feel - you don't know the situation he left well enough - yet - give him space and time and maybe, just maybe, he will get close again.

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Being a care-taker saps energy - been there! Being in a relationship where 'things' are expected saps energy too ........ why are you taking this personally? How long have you known him? Maybe he feels more relaxed with friends, maybe he doesn't have to put on a 'face' ...... He is being honest ..... we only have so much to give and rather than dragging you into his situation he is giving you lee-way. Have you been introduced to his family at all?

Caring for someone often means lots of issues racing round the brain and people can be more issue too far! Try not to judge his options against how you feel - you don't know the situation he left well enough - yet - give him space and time and maybe, just maybe, he will get close again.

Thank you all. We work together and had been dating about 4 months before he left (2 1/2), I haven't met his family because they all live in Central America, but he introduced me to his sister by phone. As for his 'friends', they haven't been much of any because his best friend/roomate stole over $2000 from his account while he was gone and that has him depressed too!

Before he left he was really sad about the sitaution and I tried to comfort him as much as possible. I thought a lot about what happened and tried to put myself in his shoes. I saw him at work and gave him a hug and told him that I couldn't imagine what he is going through right now and to please forgive me for not understanding because I was just shocked that he said it and wasn't thinking clearly, its just that I missed him sooo much and I prayed for him all the time and wanted to be there for him when he got back because it breaks my heart to see someone I love in so much misery. He wont even be able to see his father be buried because his FMLA ran out and $, which is why he came back.

He told me that he was just feeling so bad the other day and I let him know that it was no pressure and that I will be there for him whenever if I can, I'm having some health problems with my breast and uterus and am under a lot of stress and physical pain so I guess we both just need some time to handle our own issues. I do still love him and I can tell that he does still love me and is just genuinely having the hardest time of his life right now.

Edited by IandI
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You sound a really caring person. I don't think you can do much more than give him space whilst he works out what has happened in his life .......

I am sorry that you are experiencing problems, are you seeing a specialist?

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You sound a really caring person. I don't think you can do much more than give him space whilst he works out what has happened in his life .......

I am sorry that you are experiencing problems, are you seeing a specialist?

Yes i am seeing a specialist, I have a lot of confidence in her and she's very nice which makes things better. I appreciate everyones response, especially your post because it gives me a better perspective to hear it coming from someone who has been there caring for someone ill, I hope that all will be and is well for you.

Edited by IandI
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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm in the same situation now... My girlfriend of 18 months just dumped me. She's been really depressed for about 6 months now, her mom is really sick and just last week had to stop working because her health is so bad. She's moving out on me so she can move in with her mom and help out. But because she's been so down in the dumps for so long she feels the need to end our relationship as she doesnt think its fair to me to be with a grumpy girlfriend. I've tried to tell her I want to be there for her, I want to make this work and see her happy again -- but she's just so down that she's lost sight of such possibilities. So I'm stuck all alone now :(

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I might have missed this, but how long have you been together?

I agree with the other poster that said it sounds like he still loves you. He just needs space and to deal with things on his own. But you need to remember how important you are and while you should try to be there for him since you love him, remember to take care of yourself and your feelings too. I know that can be one of the toughest parts! Here is hope that if it is meant to be it will happen sooner rather than later for your sake.

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There's an old saying: "If you love her, set her free. If she comes back, it's meant to be"

That's what I keep repeating to myself the last few weeks, perhaps it will help you to do the same. Much like you, I have no choice but to let my girlfriend leave. She feels that somehow by doing so, she will find happiness. I want more than anything for her to find it. But I will support her as best I can, just because she's not going to be "with" me doesn't mean I can't be there for her. Perhaps in time she will come to appreciate this, and realize what she has left behind.

So be there for him. Shower him with love, and try to be positive. Hope is the only thing that get you through a time like this.

And if you need someone to talk to, just send me a pm

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