Jump to content

The cause of my depression wants me to visit


Recommended Posts

So I have a week of vacation coming up and my dad has invited me to visit him in the very north end of Wisconsin for both our birthdays. His is the day before mine. Problem is that he is notorious for being emotionally abusive. Case in point the last time I spoke to him he accused me of being off my meds because I was doing things that were "not adult-like". Such as not having a full-time job or trying to make my own "board" game. He is also known for being all for doing what he wants on his birthday, but when it comes to mine he tries to find any way to make it about him. He is the very cause of most of my depression and suicidal thoughts. In fact I have posted here on Reddit my desire to go just so that I can jump off into Lake Superior and drown on my birthday. He is that toxic. But at the same time it's my dad. I've rediscovered church and one of the Ten Commandments is to honor thy mother and thy father. I feel that by not going I'm breaking that very Commandment. But what happens when the honor is not reciprocated?

In a recent conversation with him two concerning issues came up. First was his insistence that I take my meds in front of him. NO! Serious breach of privacy. Second is that he wants me to do some of his lawn work on about 2 acres. During a vacation. Hell no, that's not a vacation! Vacation is time away from work. I won't swap one type of work for another.

I really don't know what to do. Please help!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 hours ago, Thanos said:

So I have a week of vacation coming up and my dad has invited me to visit him in the very north end of Wisconsin for both our birthdays. His is the day before mine. Problem is that he is notorious for being emotionally abusive. Case in point the last time I spoke to him he accused me of being off my meds because I was doing things that were "not adult-like". Such as not having a full-time job or trying to make my own "board" game. He is also known for being all for doing what he wants on his birthday, but when it comes to mine he tries to find any way to make it about him. He is the very cause of most of my depression and suicidal thoughts. In fact I have posted here on Reddit my desire to go just so that I can jump off into Lake Superior and drown on my birthday. He is that toxic. But at the same time it's my dad. I've rediscovered church and one of the Ten Commandments is to honor thy mother and thy father. I feel that by not going I'm breaking that very Commandment. But what happens when the honor is not reciprocated?

In a recent conversation with him two concerning issues came up. First was his insistence that I take my meds in front of him. NO! Serious breach of privacy. Second is that he wants me to do some of his lawn work on about 2 acres. During a vacation. Hell no, that's not a vacation! Vacation is time away from work. I won't swap one type of work for another.

I really don't know what to do. Please help!

Just don't visit him, your first and if going there puts your mental state in jeopardy then no

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yard work can be fun.  Or, at least, a change of pace from other types of work.  (desk jobs especially)

I suppose one could honor a parent just by not creating conflict.  If your tolerance is limited to email or phone, then not showing up in person is honoring in a way.  (To me.  But then, I might be twisting things there)  "Honor" is a different word than "blindly obey".  (Old testy commandments don't leave much room for interpretation.  New testy parables are so much better with such less judgement)

If I were to imagine myself in your situation (with the limited information)...I'd get a hotel room so as not to be beholding to another person, create my own space and not intrude on someone else's domain.  I would also avoid "just hang out".  Set an itinerary or something.  Make sure that each day has something "together" and something "apart".  When I'm in that neck of the (literal) woods, I usually grab a "local waterfalls" map and set out in search of remote isolated falls to hike and photograph.  Or, fish or something.  If things are going well and I felt like tempting fate, I *might* work up to inviting someone else along.  (but still have the ability to retreat to my own space for a part of the day)  And maybe you could work in some yardwork somewhere.

And I would be prepared for certain questions or situations.  "take your meds in front of me!", answer "no, I take them at set times and need to keep to my schedule.  I am taking all my meds are prescribed by my doctor".  Of course there are likely more situations (don't dwell on this too much!) but having a quick and hard response ready and then moving on ...might get you thru. 

But, that is me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you really want to take a chance on seeing Dad, you will have to set boundaries in advance and enforce them. Tell him there will be no discussion of your meds. Tell him you will not be mowing the lawn (unless he is paying!) If he agrees, then you should have a Plan B for somewhere else to go when he breaks his word and becomes abusive again. This is how adults act with each other; you can honor him by showing him that he raised an adult human being who can take care of themself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Thanos,

You mentioned in some of your posts that you have autism.

I think it is possible your dad may have misinterpreted this and he is trying to parent you rather than have a vacation.

I would put a lot of thought into your spirituality and religion. You have to be even tempered as taking many religous things at face value can be dogmatic ensure that you are not being manipulated by your church and that it is helping you. Remember to think about things and do not be afraid to ask skeptical questions or think. I grew up in a cultlike environment and there was always a certain fear associated with these things.

I would try to talk to your dad on calls and discuss things more before you decide to visit or not.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've decided that I have to visit. I'm also going to drown myself on my birthday. One because I want to show just how much my dad has hurt me but two because my life sucks. I'm going to be turning 37 in about a week. I have lost at the game of life. I don't have a car because I got run off the road. My scars have made me look hideous. I also can't go out anymore because I have no way back to the apartment that I am having a real hard time keeping up with the rent on. I have no will to eat. I have no will to go to work each day. I have never had a real girlfriend in all my 37 years. I'm addicted to porn because I have never experienced the real thing. Church is full of people who already have everything I wanted and constantly remind me of how much I suck because there are absolutely ZERO non-married people there and my mere presence shows how much of a black sheep I am in the congregation. Nobody cares about me. My family hardly ever talks to me. Haven't talked to my brother in over 12 years and my dad likes to insult me every time he calls. My time on this earth is ending and nobody cares. This is my last week alive and I couldn't care less, just like everyone else in my life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Thanos,

I won't sugar coat it.  That is a lot of suck right there.  But 37 is still young.  And just because you have not found your thing in life, does not mean you can't.  (But yes, it can be hard to still be searching after a long time...and the longer, the harder it is to keep trying)   And I would not put much into how people at church act.  Kinda like social media...everyone shows their best face there no matter how bad.  It's fairly rare for truths to be seen there.  (And for anyone wishing to discuss that further, let's head over to that topic)

One thing that try to give focus, not letting others have control over what I do.  If I'm going to do something, it's because I'm going to do it.  I don't want to do something because someone else is manipulating or trying to control me.  (Different from me soliciting other's opinions of course...which I'm trying to do more often as I get older)  And while I can be quite vengeful, certain acts of vengeance are pointless.  The target of the vengeance will probably be too clueless, or rationalize it away etc.  Sometimes, the best revenge is finding a way to thrive in spite of our critics.

Is there something in the trip that you can look forward to?  (something besides the end?)

mm

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 hours ago, mmoose said:

Is there something in the trip that you can look forward to?  (something besides the end?)

mm

 

I was looking forward to some sightseeing, maybe a trip to the Wisconsin Dells where they have a new rotating wheel water slide. And playing a few board games that I can't get anyone around here to play. Oh and that whole drowning thing, looking forward to that.

And on the topic of church and social media, it's not so much the fact that they "shows their best face" as much as it is the mere fact that they're there with their family in the first place while I'm the only one there flying solo that hurts so much. I would give anything to have the issues that come with a relationship because that means that, while we might not see eye to eye on everything I'd have someone that finally cares about me. Someone who wants to know me on a deep spiritual level. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 hours ago, Thanos said:

Oh and that whole XXXXXX thing, looking forward to that.

I said "besides that"... oh well.

So social media and church, people are not just showing the best, but everyone is perfectly happy with family, no fighting, not envy or any other problem? 

It is good that you are looking on the positive side of that.  But I don't think you only see that, I would bet that you know that they are not perfect.

Which is worse? having a friend that is manipulative or no friend at all?   Or someone who gets to know you in depth and does not like what they see?  Maybe it's time to change focus or just meet a lot of people and see if any are trusty enough to think about a deeper connection.  Just some thoughts.  I don't know your entire situation of course.  But I know when I start running out of options, it's more a failure of my imagination on the subject and my perception than reality.  If I actually met everyone on this planet and they all sucked, then I could draw that conclusion with confidence...otherwise I am jumping to conclusions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, mmoose said:

Which is worse? having a friend that is manipulative or no friend at all?   Or someone who gets to know you in depth and does not like what they see?  Maybe it's time to change focus or just meet a lot of people and see if any are trusty enough to think about a deeper connection.  Just some thoughts.  I don't know your entire situation of course.  But I know when I start running out of options, it's more a failure of my imagination on the subject and my perception than reality.  If I actually met everyone on this planet and they all sucked, then I could draw that conclusion with confidence...otherwise I am jumping to conclusions.

Honestly I'd much rather have a friend who gets to know me in depth and doesn't like what they see. At least then there's the potential of seeing something in me worth exploring instead of being this NPC who just keeps getting ignored. I just don't know what else I can do. Like I said I got mangled in a car wreck and this city I live in is not nice to people without cars. I have little to no ability to "go out" and just meet people. I thought church would be a good start but it just makes things worse. I'd gladly take a relationship that's a little rocky (like I imagine all relationships are) as opposed to being alone all the time. Every day it's the same damn thing: work, home, eat, sleep, repeat. That's no way to live, at least for me. I tried online dating but every site wants extra money to send messages on top of paying just to have a profile. I just want what everyone I know has: someone who wants to know me. Right now nobody does. What can I do when everyone I try to get to become interested in me end up ignoring me? Am I just that boring? Are my expectations too high? I mean to want someone to be interested in some aspect of me, anything at all, I think is a pretty low bar but is that still too high? What am I missing here?

Edited by Thanos
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry, I'm a bit different.  I don't like attention.  And I'm trying to limit exposure to people.  Too many selfish or scammers out there.  I'd guess I would start with making a number of aquaintences.  Some of them might be interesting enough to try to be friends.  And then after a while getting to know them (and not just what they say about themselves) then risk some deeper connection.  To me, it is a process and a numbers game.  And the "willing to invest in others before they invest in you" has diminishing returns usually.  But, I am jaded.

I would really do the opposite.  Find the hobby or pasttime to invest your time in.  Something that you find worthwhile by itself.  (you've probably heard this a lot)  If it happens to be something that others find interesting, then you have a chance to encounter others along the way (Some of my tastes are too different or Euro for the typical 'merican, but I accept that limitation)  If you are have an interest or passion in something, it will show and sometimes that draws others in (sometimes, not in a good way) But even if others are not finding you, you can still enjoy something.

Just focusing on suddenly jumping into a deep friendship is something that most might run away from.  Too aggressive, too deep right away are red flags for me.  

Volunteer?  (car probably rules that out.  Got a bike?  yes it can be harder to travel in the world made for cars, but bike are a wonder tool for many purposes.  Just throwing some things out there.  And again, I'm a cynic toward people and working on the misogyny and should not be listened to)

m

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 6/16/2022 at 3:37 PM, mmoose said:

Sorry, I'm a bit different.  I don't like attention.  And I'm trying to limit exposure to people.  Too many selfish or scammers out there.  I'd guess I would start with making a number of aquaintences.  Some of them might be interesting enough to try to be friends.  And then after a while getting to know them (and not just what they say about themselves) then risk some deeper connection.  To me, it is a process and a numbers game.  And the "willing to invest in others before they invest in you" has diminishing returns usually.  But, I am jaded.

I would really do the opposite.  Find the hobby or pasttime to invest your time in.  Something that you find worthwhile by itself.  (you've probably heard this a lot)  If it happens to be something that others find interesting, then you have a chance to encounter others along the way (Some of my tastes are too different or Euro for the typical 'merican, but I accept that limitation)  If you are have an interest or passion in something, it will show and sometimes that draws others in (sometimes, not in a good way) But even if others are not finding you, you can still enjoy something.

m

I used to have a hobby that others liked. I met a lot of people at the local board game group that met a couple times every week. I almost had a deeper connection with a few of them. The COVID happened and it destroyed everything. Nobody has met in over 2 years. And there aren't any other groups around to meet up and play. Most other hobbies I have don't lend themselves well to meeting women. Either that or it's just too damn expensive. Or both. I lost everything that made me like life after COVID and even more after the car crash.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...